Do you miss those days in Little League when everyone received a trophy no matter how poorly you played? Now glory can be yours, for the Nobel Peace Prize is within reach of even the most incompetent fools. Just open a box of Cracker Jack.
Do you miss those days in Little League when everyone received a trophy no matter how poorly you played?
Sadly I had a disadvantaged childhood. Back in those days the outcome of schoolyard games were not equal. We had winners and losers. My self esteem still has not recovered.
Had the People's Cube been around back then, things might have turned out very different.
Congratulations, Comrade RAUM EMMANUAL GOLDSTEIN! (No, not you, Maksim, now sit down.)
Yes, Comrade Goldstein, you are the latest recipient of Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week Award!
In addition to this honor--the most coveted and sought after in The People's Cube--you will receive one free coupon (non-transferable, blackout dates apply) to Pup's Pleasure Party Palace and a bumpersticker for your mom:
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments, knowing that in the future he will more than live up to the honor. However, I’m uncertain that REG is the best choice given his propensity to post highly offensive material. I fear he has too far to travel to reach the height of mediocrity usually required to receive the award. To avoid future embarrassment and tarnishing of your stellar record should REG fail; I suggest you start him on a daily regiment of shovel whacks.
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments...
I share the sentiment, but we must be careful not to cheapen such a highly prestigious award as Beet of the Week by giving it to new comrades who have spent 12 days on the People's Cube and posted a total of three comments.
Comrade Superkommissar: What do you "win" if you collect all 11+ Nobel Peace Prizes?? Can these be exchange for an Oscar? How many Carbon Credits does one get for a Nobel Prize in oh lets say Public Health......
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments...
I share the sentiment, but we must be careful not to cheapen such a highly prestigious award as Beet of the Week by giving it to new comrades who have spent 12 days on the People's Cube and posted a total of three comments.
You boys with your tunnel vision just don't see the great big picture that I do. This isn't about rewarding achievement, or accomplishment, or even results. In fact, I defy any one of you to name one thing in The Party that even remotely smacks of any of those things. Surely you've noticed, for example, that for the past 30 years, we've been saying we have less than 10 years to save the planet from global warming.
What happens should we ever achieve or accomplish anything? Do you really want all that money to stop coming in? Don't you enjoy all that power over the multitudes?
I know I do.
No, methinks the only one in danger of being "cheapened" or embarrassed by this is Comrade REG, should he not live up to the expectations we have set for him by handing him this award.
It's a Call to Action. Let's sit back and see if he heeds it by coming up with more creative ways to raise awareness of the need to call for even more action . . . or if he does the unthinkable, and cuts through all the crap and verbs and . . . just acts.
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments...
I share the sentiment, but we must be careful not to cheapen such a highly prestigious award as Beet of the Week by giving it to new comrades who have spent 12 days on the People's Cube and posted a total of three comments.
Most Esteemed Trapezoidal Leader,
Are you suggesting that Dear Leader was not worthy of the Cracker Jack esteemed Nobel Peace Prize? Just 9 months in office and justonlya sh*8load a mere 14.2 trillion later on his lifetime rule of the USSA (after we aquire more necro-proxy votes for the next election cycle of course) Dear Leader has surely accomplished just as muchwell almost as much er, MORE than New Prole Comrade Fresh Fish er.... RAUM EMMANUAL GOLDSTEIN... No?
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments...
I share the sentiment, but we must be careful not to cheapen such a highly prestigious award as Beet of the Week by giving it to new comrades who have spent 12 days on the People's Cube and posted a total of three comments.
Indeed. Where is mine? I started out nearly a year ago as a mere prole, and now look at me. Leader of a rag tag band of revolutionary Red Guards, and THE FREAKING COMMISSAR OF TIME. But do *I* get a Beet of The Week? Noooo...... I think Pinkie is biased. (I say this because I am wearing a kevlar helmet, and am testing a program to redistribute her whacking time elsewhere).
Did someone mention DUCK? CRISPY DUCK, perhaps? My favorite!
I applaud Supercommissar Maxism's more equal Photoshop/Agitprop skills. Again, he hits the nail on the head. and torso, and sensitive extremities. And what clever subtleties in the Cracker Jack meme...our Cracker don't know Jack!
What an amazing age we live in, comrades. Even Chauncey Gardener, the unlikely but charmed President in Being There, walked on water but never ever won the Nobel Peace Prize.
No, methinks the only one in danger of being "cheapened" or embarrassed by this is Comrade REG, should he not live up to the expectations we have set for him by handing him this award.
It's a Call to Action. Let's sit back and see if he heeds it by coming up with more creative ways to raise awareness of the need to call for even more action . . . or if he does the unthinkable, and cuts through all the crap and verbs and . . . just acts.
It is with great honor to present COMMISSARKA PINKIE with the following award from the People's Navy!
For your brilliant insight as to why you awarded your prestigious "Beet of the Week" to a rookie who is still in his diapers, using the very same logic as the Nobel prize committee did to award theirs to, 'The One'.
Make room on your "I Love me Wall" in your Dacha to hang this.
I denounce Commodore Snoogie Woogums for his horrible pun and demand an apology for making me nearly spew vodka on my keyboard. Because of course, it would never be my fault if something like that happened.
I DENOUNCE Colonel 7.62 for not fully appreciating my NOBEL attempt at humor.
You really do take the PRIZE sometimes in your denouncements Colonel.
Oh and I also denounce General Mousey, for not inviting me to share some of that Duck you sent his way, mighty un-progressive of that fiendish feline if you ask me.
I wouldn't have denounced you if your marines hadn't boarded my yacht and demanded papers, vodka and bribes. That's intolerable to a fellow Inner Circle™ member. You may have noticed your fleet had scheduling problems lately? That's my revenge.
They were sent only to inspect and ensure the new engines you installed were fully operational and would pass your initial 'shake-down' cruise. There seems to be a little confusion on what their orders where regarding what a 'shake-down' cruise really means.
Please accept these little tokens from me as consolation for this little misunderstanding as to what my orders really were.
Note to Self.......No more recruits from ACORN will be accepted into The People's Navy.
Looks like Betinov has been drinking the extra formaldehyde from the mass graves too. Somebodies gotta do it comrades.
Proles just haven't been dying like the last most recent edit before the 5th final edit of the 5th 5 year plan professed, and I just have to keep up my quota of formaldehyde or the formaldehyde funds will dry up and we wouldn't want that now would we comrades?
I have just received an envelope in the mail with Ed McMahon’s picture on the front…It’s addressed from the Noble Peace Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I was about to toss it out with all the other capitalist junk mail (you know bills, etc...) then I noticed the envelope had printed on the front has in Large Red Letters:
"Raum Emmanual Goldstein! You may have already won the Noble Peace Prize!”
After the Dear Leader (apuH) received a surprise visit from the Nobel Sweepstakes Prize patrol, I’m thinking….You know? I could win that too and be just almost like the Dear Leader (apuH). According to the enclosed instructions, I just have to enter to win.
So, I mailed in my entry form. I hope the prize patrol visits me next! I’m so excited! I like balloons and big cardboard checks!
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments, knowing that in the future he will more than live up to the honor. However, I’m uncertain that REG is the best choice given his propensity to post highly offensive material. I fear he has too far to travel to reach the height of mediocrity usually required to receive the award. To avoid future embarrassment and tarnishing of your stellar record should REG fail; I suggest you start him on a daily regiment of shovel whacks.
Ooooooo.... Shovel whacks! Isn't that what I'd receive at Pup's Pleasure Party Palace?
Even the whackos calling into "Coast-to-Coast" (a late night radio show specializing in bigfoot, alien abductions and other fringe subjects) tonight are scratching their heads and asking "What the...?" regarding the latest annointing of the Annointed One.
Pinkie, I commend your decision to award Beet of the Week to a new comrade with little experience or accomplishments, knowing that in the future he will more than live up to the honor. However, I’m uncertain that REG is the best choice given his propensity to post highly offensive material. I fear he has too far to travel to reach the height of mediocrity usually required to receive the award. To avoid future embarrassment and tarnishing of your stellar record should REG fail; I suggest you start him on a daily regiment of shovel whacks.
Ooooooo.... Shovel whacks! Isn't that what I'd receive at Pup's Pleasure Party Palace?
I can't WAIT!
A couple of little hints as you make your way on your journey to be true, more than equal, equal comrade here on the Cube.
Serious Groveling and blatant Toadyism are traits that are valued and nurtured in a prole. Sucking up to Red Square always brings a brighter shade of Red to his cube. Telling Commissarka Pinkie, that there is NOTHING on this planet that woman could ever wear that would make her look fat goes a long way.
After you master those basics, I'll fill you in on the backstabbing, bribery and the usual shenanigans that goes on here as we make our way into the glorious world of next Tuesday.
You've got great potential to be a complete leech on society REG, I'll be watching you to see how you fare here Comrade.
Betinov, Drinking formaldehyde and listening to Art Bell, er George Noory... now why didn't I think of that?
Speaking of which, I don't know why Commodore Snoogie refuses to accept his origins? I think he may need some more formaldehyde... being from extraterrestrial origins puts him right up there with The One and the Nobel Prize Committee, walking manifestations of afterlife... many are afraid of death, it's o.k. Commodore.
I am most surprised and flattered by your recognition of my myriad achievements within the collective (although I’m still not certain as to exactly what those are, but I will trust your wise judgment in the matter)…especially from such a fetching comrade as yourself.
[DISCLAIMER: That last comment is in no way offered except as a platonic admiration of the general magnetism of the recipient (which she has rightly earned regardless) and should in no way be misconstrued as an objectification of someone who is certainly most worthy of objectification if said comment is taken or otherwise perceived by the recipient of said non-objectification objectification as an undesirable advance of a non-platonik nature and in no way requires (nor limits) reciprocity on behalf of the recipient .]
My gratitude aside, no comrade is any more capable (or incapable) of the potential near achievements which have been almost but not quite achieved by yours truly (inshahobama). Indeed, I could not have achieved the very nearly achieved achieveable achievements that may or may not soon be achieved without your unwavering collective support. I must therefore share the honor of the most coveted and sought after honor of the Beet of the Week with the collective equally.
My gratitude aside, no comrade is any more capable (or incapable) of the potential near achievements which have been almost but not quite achieved by yours truly (inshahobama). Indeed, I could not have achieved the very nearly achieved achieveable achievements that may or may not soon be achieved without your unwavering collective support. I must therefore share the honor of the most coveted and sought after honor of the Beet of the Week with the collective equally.
Comrade Goldstein: THIS IS NOT ALLOWED!
Yet this is just what I should expect from someone who attempted to shove Christofascist hate speech down my throat in the form of posting on one of MY THREADS a picture of something that belongs in a giant vat of urine.
I'll bet one of your favorite movies is The Robe, isn't it? I was once subjected to that movie as part of a forced Christofascist indoctrination that didn't take thanks to my open, tolerant mind and my unique gift for being able to reason and think for myself instead of relying on Fox News or talk radio to do it for me like it seems to have done for you.
So I can only say that--what was I saying? Oh yes, The Robe. I remember what happened when Richard Burton gave the donkey to the boy. Do you remember what the boy, in turn, did with the donkey? I tell you, it was beyond despicable, and I've been seething with outrage ever since. It is totally beyond everything The Party stands for.
When I give you Beet of the Week, you do not turn it around and share it with, or even give it, to ANYONE, even if it's the entire Collective. In the first place, even if you've earned it (and clearly there are those here who say you haven't) it is not yours to do with as you see fit or even as it amuses you. And in the second place, you have no way of knowing exactly to whom you should give it. There are some, you see, who need it more than others, and others (Colonel 7.62 comes to mind) who have no need of it at all.
But I am a member of The Party, a made Progressive as Theocritus would say. That makes me more equal than you, and therefore I know better than you what should be done with your Beet of the Week, especially if you think you have no need for it yourself.
Therefore, I hereby confiscate appropriate your Beet of the Week Award that I may redistribute it to someone more deserving. And that most assuredly does not include everyone in the Collective--especially Colonel 7.62, who would only cheapen its prestige with his notion of using it as a "chick magnet."
Honestly, you could learn so much from Maksim. He gets Beet of the Week all the time, more than anyone else. Not fair, you say, especially since he's in charge of the nominating forms? Maybe, maybe not, but that's not for him to decide--and he knows it. He would never dream of sharing it or redistributing it to others, not when he knows The Party is better able to do that for him.
Why, I'm almost tempted to redistribute your Beet of the Week to Maksim, simply because he understands that with it comes great responsibility--not for himself, silly goose--but of The Party!
When the nObel prize was announced, I knew it was finally time to join The Cube. It was just too good to be true!
To celebrate the the nObel prize and to contribute to the greater good, I would like to make a beet casserolefor everyone!
As a citizen of a community in the Statist State of Kalifornia, I have been a member of The Party for a long time, but did not know it because I could not read or write. But "an acquaintance" from the Free Republic of Texas informed me that there they must have MORE than a beating heart (oh,wait...a face) and English as a second language to obtain a driver's license, vote, and receive free care! And so I began to feel very lucky to live in SSK and decided to become more involved in The Party to avoid being sent to the gulag for fraternizing with a capitalist.
I align myself with the Cube each night after I tuck my four little beets into bed.
Maybe next year, we will celebrate the nObel prize with some fireworks from Iran when the award goes to the heroic police who kept the violent, disappointed voters at bay!
We need more female comrades on the Cube to keep the appearance of orderliness. Someone has to cook beet casserole for the boys in the bunker too, since the official Party Kook™ Comradka Che Gourmet is AWOL and Sister Massively Opiated, who is the Commissar of Housekeeping, Disappearances, Composting, and Limo Service, has been temporarily decommissioned. Of the few remaining womyn, Leninka has a goatee, Pinkie is a serial shovel-wielding assassin, Comradka Lenya has a male name, and Ivana Tinkle is a cat.
Comrade Castrate, you simply must stop creating clocks. Your little island nation will remain trapped in the 1950's until you do.
Pinkie, so what if I would use Beet of The Week™ as a babe magnet? I feel entitled to one, and that's all that matters. My self esteem will assuredly suffer, and when that happens, I do vindictive things. Despite my powers over time, a yacht that gets escorted by Commodore Snoogie's security ships (or is that shadowed and watched?) and a whole bunch of Revolutionary Red Guards laying around the compound drunk and shooting at things, I still have trouble getting babes. A Beet of The Week™ would do so much to make me feel better. And feelings are what it's all about.
Welcome Comrade Casserole! It is most equal to have a woman doing the cooking around here, as strangely enough it's been men and the odd cat or dog doing such things.
I was at least hoping for SOME FORM of gratitude from Commissarka Pinkie for my giving her "The Swab of Truth" award.
News flash Pinkiekins, you might think the Swab of truth Award is just like a Nobel prize that anyone can get just because they aren't BUSHITLER or a registered Rethuglikkan but you would be wrong, wrong, wrong.
You were in fact the second recipient only in the entire history of the Award!
And not even a measley thank you or gee, that's kinda nice, or even a short acceptance speech that included the word "I" at least 20 times.
I THEREFORE WITHDRAW MY AWARD AND HAND IT TO COLONEL 7.62
Besides what a better way to help him get progressive chicks than by handing them a mop and pointing them toward the kitchen.
Why thank you Comrade Commodore. I think I don't deserve this award, but I will humbly try to accept it, and the honor it bestows upon me. This will allow me to put something in the hands of those in my galley so that they can clean for me.
I'm sorry, Snoogie, but you didn't give me a chance. I was still dealing with Comrade Goldstein.
I'm dealing with a great many things right now. You have to bear in mind what a big mess I inherited when I first came into the Collective.
If you want something fast, you'll have to go to the private sector--but you wouldn't, would you?
And welcome to Casserole Czar. I should've known there was a new female in the Collective when I came in here to see all the male comrades (save Theocritus) wearing pants and controlling their flatulence for a change. I remember when they did that for me. It must've lasted all of three days.
Oh well, at least I'll be able to breathe until Monday.
I light of your explanation, I feel truly guilty now. Which of course is just natural for a prog such as myself, as I feel guilty about everything since I am a white male of european descent and the cause of all the misery in the world. I cannot re-award you since the Colonel has now accepted and most graciously I might add.
Though, I can offer you this in light of not really giving you a chance to respond to the Honor I bestowed upon you and felt I had to withdraw it.
A Chocolate Boat perhaps my little Babushka well help here?
Commissarka Pinkie, why the obsession with pants? Boxers work just as well, and provide support. Or, for the bold and daring male comrade, there is the UtiliKilt, made in Progressive Seattle. Nothing like a little ventilation, and letting it all hang loose.
Thank you for the warm welcome. Tonight, I am baking a culinary masterpiece...a soon to be favorite of the masses, beet casserole. I have heard some say that they prefer potato, but I don't have enough carbon credits to purchase some. (Although I probably have more now than I will have when the flatulence returns and all you males decide on UtiliKilts.)
I will be happy to assume the mopping job in the kitchen. It is my joy to grovel, since my purpose in life is to be a servant of The One as Demi and Ashton instructed me (and my first grader...and my second grader). So glad they didn't stop the Principal from sharing THAT one at the pep rally!
Ah, Snoogie! You have discovered the heretofore unknown secret shortcut to a Commissarka's mushy heart--chocolate and lots of it!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! And kissy-kissy all over your baby soft cheeks, and a noo-noo-noo on your cute button nose!
For this you are hereby named the latest recipient of Pinkie's prestigious Beet of the Week award!
In addition to a free coupon (non-transferable, blackout dates apply) to Pup's Pleasure Party Palace, you also get this bumpersticker for your mom:
And as for you Colonel 7.62:
Congratulations on your Swab of Truth Award. I'll bet you can hardly wait to see how many hot chicks you can attract with that mop!
In fact, here's one right now:
And here's another one:
Who says you need Beet of the Week? Here's one you're sure to sweep off her feet:
A good thing you have that Swab of Truth, Colonel! You may need it just to "beet" them off at this rate!
I am truly honored! Words almost fail to describe the joy I feel right now. Rest assured the award will be placed in a spot in the People's Naval headquarters, where all can view it once they enter!!!!!!!!!
The bumper sticker will look great on the back of my Mom's car. In an ironic twist since you mentioned that the males here where finally wearing pants again since another female has joined the collective......well mom's car is a:
As for the others who were in competition I wish to extend my hand and wish you better luck next time as each one of you all have extreme talent and I'm sure that will be awarded many accolades in the future. As a true prog I will not stoop to gloating or other heathen neo-con traits. In short......Naah, naah, na naah na, LOSERS. It is always for the children.
I am truly honored! Words almost fail to describe the joy I feel right now. Rest assured the award will be placed in a spot in the People's Naval headquarters, where all can view it once they enter!!!!!!!!!
The bumper sticker will look great on the back of my Mom's car. In an ironic twist since you mentioned that the males here where finally wearing pants again since another female has joined the collective......well mom's car is a:
As for the others who were in competition I wish to extend my hand and wish you better luck next time as each one of you all have extreme talent and I'm sure that will be awarded many accolades in the future. As a true prog I will not stoop to gloating or other heathen neo-con traits. In short......Naah, naah, na naah na, LOSERS. It is always for the children.
Commodore Snoogie Woogums,
Those chocolates for your special order came in. I gift wrapped them and sent to the address of your special lady as you requested.
I'm sorry for the delay in shipping as I know you had requested expedite service, seems the Cuban Mail Service workers need shot better organization.
I hope I haven't shipped those too late.
Thanks for your order and please keep the Cuban Travel Store in mind for all your gift needs.
Ahhh. I am familiar with the Cuban Travel Store. But I was afraid to admit this because I thought maybe all pleasure seeking may have to be approved by Red Square first and that one might be tempted to enjoy something that someone else might not also get to experience thus rising above, in an unacceptable way, all of his/her peers?
Perhaps the best thing about this ceremony was that Kanye West was not present and could not tarnish the glamour of the ignomious prestigious nobel peace (inventing dynamite is peaceful?) prize!
Ahhh. I am familiar with the Cuban Travel Store. But I was afraid to admit this because I thought maybe all pleasure seeking may have to be approved by Red Square first and that one might be tempted to enjoy something that someone else might not also get to experience thus rising above, in an unacceptable way, all of his/her peers?
Well The Great Castratetm and the Cuban Travel Storetm always rise to the occasion. Our motto, We Aim To Pleasetm.
We need more female comrades on the Cube to keep the appearance of orderliness... Of the few remaining womyn, Leninka has a goatee, Pinkie is a serial shovel-wielding assassin, Comradka Lenya has a male name...
I didn't realize it was a man's name! Ask Neil Simon about it... (See my reply in White House Announces Olympic Boycott thread).
I took out the trash and am still waiting for my Nobel.
And Pinkie, I always wear pants, except when I don't. Now I don't do drag. Once I went to a Halloween party in camp drag--didn't shave the mustache I had then, and when I saw the pictures I turned whiter than Glen Beck and tore them up. Pitched the costume. Of course I did go as Monica and hand out cigars.
And as for cooking. Believe it or not, I can cook. Not for families; never learned that, but no one has died yet.
Would anyone care for escalloped beets? What about a terrine of beet and potato? Beet blinis? I can make three gallons of borscht using two beets, one potato, and one tablespoon of old, runny, clotted sour cream. I'm a regular Betty Crockervitski.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
