A foreign report from Dr. Fuku, on assignment in Europe
Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs!
"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our Cities?
As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way. We all know how successful their previous bold moves in socialized health care have been.
~
In a true socialist society, a death of one elderly parasite is a palpable gain for the entire community. "I like a good medicinal tonic now and then, but these oldies are out of control!" "Medicine is like a fine wine, to be had by few and only on special occasions." "I sleep with one eye open, else I get mercy killed by me son-in-law."
Not long ago the British Government took on a Health Care Hog who wanted to live on a feeding tube ON THE STATE'S DIME! This horrendous man, the so-called English Patient, sued to ensure that he will not be forced to endure death by dehydration when his paralysis kicks in. The socialist system must and will crush him like a bug for the sake of the common good! Indeed, if everyone in England gets a feeding tube, there won't be enough money for social equality programs and global warming studies!
Every day our British comrades see the useless amongst them demanding increasingly more than their share! The so-called "Alzheimer's patients" selfishly take expensive medications to delay the inevitable! Someone should tell these people that they have an INCURABLE illness. And in five minutes when they forget what they were told, we should tell them AGAIN! The Britons are screaming, "No drugs for the useless!" One could not be more envious! It is a historical necessity that such progressive collectivist ethics should also triumph over the backward individualism that still lingers the United States.
The most progress has been achieved, of course, by the French. We all applauded when the French said NON to the human leeches with too many decades against them, as forthright citizens deserted the elderly for August vacation leaving the prunes to wither and die! In a zero-sum game that is socialist society, a death of one elderly parasite is a palpable gain for the entire community. I am so proud of our European colleagues! Not since the French distributed AIDS tainted blood to avoid the excess cost of a screening test produced by American capitalists have I seen such forward thinking!
The main question of the day is, can Americans afford NOT to adopt socialized healthcare? Everyone knows that the individual will never take the necessary steps; it is up to the State to do it for us. In a vital decision like this, do we really need to depend on the vote of emotionally underdeveloped conservative segments? Those incapable or unwilling to acknowledge the moral superiority and the ethical progress of the more socially advanced Europeans, do not deserve a right to vote. Voting rights shall be taken away from them, as well as their medicine. One cannot expect a society to prolong the lives of its useless, degraded elements at its own peril.
Our Progressive brothers and sisters in Eurabia are
eliminating their own and replacing themselves with the
Glorious jihadofascists who will bring the revolutionary destruction of evil
white man Judeo-Christian explotation and civilized living!
And they are at last only one step away from reaching the true progressive ends
- recycling the parts for the greater good of hollywood actors looks.
Billary in '08 will bring this Progressivism to the UsSA!
What a refreshing read. You know, there are so many people in todays society that are taking up precious recourses, and not giving back to the common good. Retards, parapalegics, the comatose, amputees, and lets not forget those with a cleft palete. (lets face it, they uglify the planet [pun intended]) We really should have patrols that go out and seek out these miserable parasites, and exterminate them. Perhaps for those who reach a certain age and consume too much medical attention and medicine, early termination. Last month I turned 77 years old, and I really...........what............who are you people? Extermination? What? OH MY GOD! NOOOOOOOO
SQUAD 443887: THIS IS SQUAD 443887, PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT ONE Silence Dogood HAS BEEN ELIMINATED. PLEASE TERMINATE HER FROM THE COMMUNITY ROLLS. OUT
HQ: Copy Squad 443887, Termination complete of one Silence Doogood. Please head over to 15st SW building number 2706, Apt A, and locate one......(fade to black)
I am ashamed, it was I who called the Med-stopo on Miss Dogood, AND I WILL DO IT ALL TO YOU TOO IF YOUR 65 AND OVER!! Put the TV Guide down and get back to work you pharmaceutical free-rider junkies!!
Praise the European socialist intellectuals and their glorious committments to progress!!!
I am ashamed, it was I who called the Med-stopo on Miss Dogood, AND I WILL DO IT ALL TO YOU TOO IF YOUR 65 AND OVER!! Put the TV Guide down and get back to work you pharmaceutical free-rider junkies!!
Praise the European socialist intellectuals and their glorious committments to progress!!!
The Global Front for Healthcare FROWNS upon the use of the old term "Medstopo." We prefer current terms like "Managed Care" or "Medical Gatekeeper." Please refrain from use of inflamatory phrases like the outmoded and loaded term mentioned above, or the equally unfair label "liberal." All for one and one form of healthcare for all!
The best way to solve this problem is to stop the research of medicine. Without it, those leeches won't have anything to complain about.
Ah Comrade,
This has already begun. The attacks on the pharmaceutical companies are bearing fruit! The evil Merck is down and almost out thanks to the purposefully engineered useless killer drug "Vioxx." Other companies are too scared to make these newfangled ripoff medicines. Our flagship paper the NEW YORK TIMES crows about our victory! You can read a nice summary here:
Hey! In France, we prefer our young rioters, who are the future of our nation, to some old parasites, who could even vote for the right-conservative-reactionnaries.
U.S. Life Expectancy Hits All-Time High By MIKE STOBBE
Associated Press Writer
Dec 08 1:57 PM US/Eastern
ATLANTA - U.S. life expectancy has hit another all-time high -- 77.6 years -- and deaths from heart disease, cancer and stroke continue to drop, the government reported Thursday.
All these oldies are gonna take our dough and use too much medicine! I say OPEN THE SEASON ON HUNTING OLDIES! We do it with bears and deers and the likes! Why can't I hunt a 77.6 year old no-toother?
Comrades,
We must take this a step farther. We must ensure that people can not get their hands on the most damning examples of a free market economy. We must prevent the people from getting their hands of less expensive medication from Canada and India. Even though these medications are made by the giants like Pfizer and Upjohn they are not good for the people. They must purchase overpriced American medications for the good of the globe, because these higher prices in America permit these evil corporations to sell to foreign countries for less money. It is part of America's penance to foot at least part of the medical needs of the world's proletarians!!!!!
Che Baabaabooie
P.S. Our assassination attempt of Maragret Thatcher was a failure. We must destroy the one who put an end to Britain's most noble state run businesses!!!!
Fear not comrads, all the lower priced alternatives will be stopped by his O-lynes's Omnipotent Drug Czar! No unauthorized pharmasuticals stand a chance! And with Mr. Napolitano guarding the border no smuggler stands a chance!
I am all for the implementation of the fiery ritual of carousel! Perhaps you will be renewed!
The only medicine we need is the Peoples Vodka!!!!
Comrades, perhaps we should introduce mandatory retirement at 65. These elderly comrades have worked all their lives for The Greater Good. Should we not at least be humane with them and turn them into necro-voters on their 65th birthday? They deserve it!
Those with "useless lives" were treated to
er, 'medicine', and given some useful task to do,
like 'medical test subject' or 'lampshade'.
Those with "useful lives" shared their labor with the people.
Nowadays, thoughtful heroic Doctors can decide the usefulness of patients before they are even born. They are so efficient at this, that in the United States alone, 49,500,000 useless ones since 1973 have been made useful in the cosmetic and bioresearch industries, and by providing a profit for the kindly Medical Gatekeepers and eugenisists at Planned Parenthood.
A compassionate State must remove the useless eaters, so the rest can thrive,
just like a sick appendix should be removed after a 1 year wait to see a primary care gatekeeper, and a 2 year wait to see a surgeon.
This ObamaCare will be sooooo good, because only Doctors can know what is good for us, and then only if they recieve guidance from the compassionate State.
BTW 49,500,000 = 8.25 Holocausts(whatever that is)
Holocaust? Never heard of it. Buchenwald was a run down theme park, when western undercover masons infiltrated in the 1960's to build the grotesque looking monuments to give the DDR a bad name. Ernst Thaelmann was not murdered there either. He fled to the US to start the ACLU.
However, we could coin a new term for the selfless acts committed by these visionary doctors you are referring to: to mengele, i.e. My father was mengeled today! Or: "My daughter is going Planned Parenthood to get her baby mengeled! This is not to be confused with the term 'mangled', as the latter is inhumane.
The future is now, comrades! Here in the People's Republik of Kalifornia socialized medicine is a dream realized! Here is your bus pass, comrade. Please, do not bleed or cough on the other passengers. Once you arrive at the world-class and cutting-edge Cesar Chavez Clinic please have your state issued ID and health care rationing card prepared. Of course, if you are a newly arrived pre-citizen, then formalities such as a picture ID are unnecessary. If you do not stay in an orderly line, you will be asked to leave. Please, do not be culturally insensitive by asking about the appropriateness of the goat tied up in the corner or the straw on the floor. We find straw to be much more absorbent than saw dust and much more cost effective. Speaking of cost effectiveness, we will need to find a cheaper way to stop that bleeding. There we are! All healed. The wonder of modern medicine in the Post Modern age, amazing isn’t it? Now, here is your shovel get back to the field!
I do have to say one good thing about a clinic in SoCal. (Now mind you I work, so I didn't feel bad about using a public clinic for once in my adult life when I was between jobs and had a horrible tooth infection) they did get me in fairly quick and handled the problem in a professional and reasonable manner. I only wish I would have been allowed to purchase laughing gas, but they would not allow that (the joys of socialized medicine, everyone is equal, and you get no perks, even if you can pay) but the tooth came out and I got the drugs I needed afterwords.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I still want choices, which the Obama doesn't want us to have it seems.
Health care in this country is expensive. There are things that should be done to bring costs down, though none of these are panaceas, some examples are: tort reform, medical malpractice insurance caps and income tax credits for middle income purchasers of private insurance plans. It's unfortunate that illegal aliens that break our immigration laws as well as the chronically unemployed (and more unfortunately, their children) do not have access to the standard of care of those working full time and paying a premium every month. I want a Jaguar. So what? This is not the appropriate role of government in the life of the individual in a Republic. There is no health care crisis. It's fantasy. The assumption of those that think it is the responsibility of government to provide them health care is infantile. In California, no one is denied health care. There is already MediCal and numerous other programs. No one is turned away. Free heath care for everyone including nationals from other countries that break our immigration laws (Mexico does not extend that courtesy to Salvadorans entering their county illegally); no one falls through the cracks. Federally mandated universal health insurance is redundant and completely unnecessary. It is, in fact, an enormous power grab by technocrats, lawyers and career politicians at the expense of our individual liberty. For Alynski-ites like Hillary Clinton this kind of power over life and death is a mouth-watering prospect. It is a perfect avenue by which they, the chosen, may mete out social justice as it was prophesied back when they were smoking drugs and burning flags back in Berkeley. Onward, comrades, on the road to serfdom!
I don't live in Cali anymore, but given the amount of payroll taxes I was paying for stuff, I didn't feel bad at all for visiting the clinic. I was the only english speaker in that building the day I went in for an appointment, and there were cars with mexican license plates in the parking lot. Disturbing.
I agree, there is reform that could be done, but this artificial cry of "crisis" with the answer of "government will save you" is wrong.
Ah yes Comrades, Socialized Medicine will be another of our Dear Leader Obama's "Great Equalizers"! Just think of it....
Minorities and women shall receive preferential access to limited health care resources - white males need not apply (there are too many as it is)!
Did you have a heart attack due (possibly) to your "over-consumption" of environmentally unfriendly agricultural products like real dairy or beef? No treatment for you, oh pillager of Mother Gaia!
Are you a loyal party supporter and devotee of the Dear Leader? Move to the head of the line Comrade!
Yes, great things await the party faithful!
P.S. Of course, I hope that irritable rabbit toilet technicians are among the most privileged groups.
Minorities and women shall receive preferential access to limited health care resources - white males need not apply (there are too many as it is)!
In the Central Valley, California, as a white, male, heterosexual, that is to say--racist, sexist, homophobe, any trip to the clinic is already met with sneers and an incredulous atttitude. It's as if it's like, "What are you doing here? Your're white! This isn't for you! What are you trying to pull? You reached your social services quota at birth." The attitude is very palpable. I could be paranoid, but I don't think so. Our clinic is, of course, really named (like the library, new high-school, ECT) after Cesar Chavez and you are made to feel unwelcome.
The Chinese cull their convict population at $0.13 per round (probably not inflation/deflation/manipulation-adjusted), which is billed to the family. It is only fair for their selfishness in producing more consumers, but it doesn't create a supply of organs to strengthen the state. And as every prog knows the State always needs new organs.
Once all guns have been registered then confiscated, it's nice to know they won't be allowed to rust away from lack of use or maintenance.
Our clinic is, of course, really named (like the library, new high-school, ECT) after Cesar Chavez and you are made to feel unwelcome
Of course you are. You're a producer, MS, you're a producer. Just be very happy that there aren't people picketing your house when you use your own key to get into it.
The Chinese cull their convict population at $0.13 per round (probably not inflation/deflation/manipulation-adjusted), which is billed to the family. It is only fair for their selfishness in producing more consumers, but it doesn't create a supply of organs to strengthen the state. And as every prog knows the State always needs new organs.
Once all guns have been registered then confiscated, it's nice to know they won't be allowed to rust away from lack of use or maintenance.
Actually given the price of what chinese ammo is selling for in Canada (where it can be imported) 13 cents seems about right, mebbe even a bit high. Of course the time of the soldier should be factored into the cost, as well as the wear and tear on his rifle.
True. I do not know what firearm the Chinese use for non-Party expired worker organ (or, more recently, convicted-of-corruption-former-Party-organ) harvesting. I'm assuming the popular SKS, which gets exported just like expired convicts' organs.
I am not a Baby Boomer, but for those who supported The One and the steamroller of national health, I have a sneaking suspicion that in another 10-15 years when they're in their government retirement communities staffed by some of the people--all serious stoners--I knew years back who worked in those places, they'll hear in their ears (from the brain, thus obviating hearing loss) and feel in their frail (and possibly unwashed and, even sadder, abused bodies) the following:
True. I do not know what firearm the Chinese use for non-Party expired worker organ (or, more recently, convicted-of-corruption-former-Party-organ) harvesting. I'm assuming the popular SKS, which gets exported just like expired convicts' organs.
More likely the AK-47 or variant. They exported a lot of their SKS' for money as they were obsolete, and then even started making brand new ones to keep up with the demand.
A Television commercial in the NOT-SO-DISTANT future.
PAN TO A MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY IN THEIR LIVING ROOM...SOME ARE WATCHING TV AND SOME CHILDREN OR PLAYING.
THEN...PAN TO A PICTURE OF A SMILING OLD WOMAN SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR KNITTING.
DIALOGUE:
"OBAMA CARE" is quickly written across the screen and then fades away.
Narrator: Look at this scene. Almost idyllic isn't it. Mom and Dad and the children in
their own home made possible by "Obama Loans"
PAN TO GRANDMA
Narrator: Then there is Grandma. Look at her. She seems happy because she is
smiling at the kids. You, however, know better. You know her condition.
She is 69 years. She has a mild case of Adult Onslaught Diabetes.
. She has a cataract in one eye. She has a touch of arthiritus.
She walks with a cane. She also has gas. Constantly with the gas.
PAN TO GRANDMA'S HANDS....SOME FINGERS ARE GNARLED WITH ARTHIRITUS
BUT SHE CONTINUES TO KNIT AND ROCK. AS SHE ROCKS, AS IF THE
FAMILY HEARD THE NARRATOR, THE CAMERA NOW SHOWS THEIR
INDIVIDUAL FACES LOOKING TOWARD GRANDMA.
Narrator: Look at her. She is secretly suffering. YOu know she is. That smile is just
a brave facade. SHe can barely hear you when you talk to her. She is
more like a pet than a real person. You cannot bring her anywhere
because she embarrasses you and the kids. She talks loud. She tallks
about things that no one can relate to....like freedom, and patriotism,
and she tells stories about when she could walk all over town and not be
afraid of being attacked or mugged anywhere.
CAMERA PANS TO THE WHOLE FAMILY STOPPING WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND
STARING AT GRANDMA...WHO STOPS ROCKING AND LOOKS BACK IN BEWILDERMENT AND SAYS..."what? Did I pass gas again???
Narrator: Look at her. Remember your beloved pet dog Skippy..Well,..when Skippy
got old like Grandma and could hardly walk or chew....you brought him
to the Vet and had him put to sleep and put out of his misery. If you
cared that much for Skippy....could you not do the same for Grandma
and let her rest in peace??
NOW THE CAMERA SHOWS THE FRONT OF A NEW HOSPITAL-LIKE BUILDING WITH SOMEONE PUSHING AN OLD MAN IN A WHEEL CHAIR THROUGH THE GLASS DOORS. SOME PRETTY YOUNG NURSES GREET THE OLD MAN LIKE A ROCK STAR.
Narrator:Bring Grandma to The Happy Kenyan Medical Facility. It is really a nice,
upscale Euthanasia home. Bring her in and tell her her doctor has moved
his office to this building. They will treat her just as a waiting room in a
real doctor's office They will let her sit for about an hour. There will other
old people there waiting for their "doctor appointment" and a bunch of
actors posing as nurses and patients.
Finally her name will be called and she will be rolled in a wheel chair into
am exam room. She will set there reading a magazine and then the gas
fills the room. In no time...Grandma is relieved from her suffering.
CAMERA SHOWS AN OLD WOMAN SLUMPED OVER IN A WHEEL CHAIR IN A SMALL ROOM.
Narrator: Don't worry...it is quick and painless. She has gone to her reward. AND
If you decide to free Grandma at the Happy Kenyan, Dear Leader Obama
will give your family a check for 2000 dollars and a free trip to Vegas for
5 days and 4 nights.
CAMERA PANS TO SMILING FAMILY STILL LOOKING AT GRANDMA. GRANDMA LOOKS SCARED AND WORRIED.
Act Today. Free Grandma and help yourself at the same time.
ACROSS THE SCREEN THE WORDS....'OBAMA'S HEALTHCARE AND YOU'....ARE SCROLLED ALONG WITH A PHONE NUMBER.
Narrator: Obama-Care...call us and see what we can do for you...and Grandma.
Yes, if you're not a healthy prole capable of spending 12 hours a day at the shovel-ready projects, it's only patriotic that you check out to make room for others.
Comrades! Are your neighbors sheltering the old, the sick, the inform? Inform on them today!
I propose we research further (past the elderly) and determine what is best for those who cannot contribute to society. For where is happiness if you cannot contribute to the common good? Out of compassion, I will consult my magic eight ball, but in the meantime, I quote the great Josef Stalin “Death solves all problems - no man, no problem.”
Let us reflect on this
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." Since I'm a MadProg, I can blithely ignore the idiocy of that statement, or at least the attempt to coerce by making people take sides. And therefore if you're not contributing, you are not needed.
Just like, oh, sorry, Rosie the Red. You got there first.
Since I just solved the problem we can logically say that you are not part of the solution.
Well put Commissar Theo!
Not only will this reduce the strain on our universal healthcare, but balance the environment!
I wish to also quote the greatly treasured Georgia Guidestones: For this topic, I wish to reference numbers 1, 2, 8, and 10.
1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
10.Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature
What a wonderful idea. The population should be limited to the chablis-and-brie set and those who are needed to tend to them. All those messy other people can just go away. Let's have the Alphas and the Deltas only.
If we only have the bien pensant, the chablis-and-brie set, then we won't be bothered with all those nasty other people, the red-staters, the people who actually do things, like fix things and pay most of the taxes. And who are just so, well, I'm in camera here, uncouth.
Let's perfect plumbing and automobiles and all those messy little quotidian things and just get rid of people who just aren't our style.
I'm sure that Henry Louis Gates would understand just what I'm talking about.
It is, in fact, an enormous power grab by technocrats, lawyers and career politicians at the expense of our individual liberty. For Alynski-ites like Hillary Clinton this kind of power over life and death is a mouth-watering prospect. It is a perfect avenue by which they, the chosen, may mete out social justice as it was prophesied back when they were smoking drugs and burning flags back in Berkeley. Onward, comrades, on the road to serfdom!
Workers!
What have you done in my absence? I denounce "comrade"mackeral (sic) snapper as a counterrevolutionary!
What he describes is what all true workers have been striving for all these decades of beet production. Is not Her Grace, the many tited empress hillary at the center of all our plans?
NOW is her time to lead the dictatorship of the proletariat and sweep away the landed classes and install the workers paradise!
Labor is the only value. the workers must control the means of production. workers of the world unite! you have nothing to lose but your chains.
one ping only, I like the rhetoric that the workers have nothing to lose but their chains. It makes them happy as they sing, "The Internationale," while we rob them blind.
Here's a new fetching picture I found of Our Many Titted Empress:
I want that next to my Chia Obama
There are Determined Obama and Happy Obama. I do not see Progressive Obama--for a bust has no arms for inserting into other people's pockets.
I did get one and tried to move the head back to its normal position, which is staring at the ceiling, but it fell over backwards.
Here's a new fetching picture I found of Our Many Titted Empress:
Comrade
Thank you for the new picture of her grace. We will post it on the bulletin board so all might marvel at her magnificence and knell in silence.
now is the time! Workers, raise your hands and sing along~ (get ready to take wallets, Vassilly)
Stand up, all victims of oppression,
For the tyrants fear your might!
Don't cling so hard to your possessions,
For you have nothing if you have no rights!
Let racist ignorance be ended,
For respect makes the empires fall!
Freedom is merely privilege extended,
Unless enjoyed by one and all.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Philies: so did we
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Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
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Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
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Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
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Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
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Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
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Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
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WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History