Although the mainstream media won't report it as such, Obama's approval numbers are shrinking. Which means that elsewhere, certain numbers are growing - the unreported-by-the-MSM growing numbers of Americans who are kicking themselves for not having bothered to read the small print underneath the word "change."
The small print was kind of blurry, while "change" was spelled in huge, pleasing letters on the signs they held at the rallies. The fierce urgency of now was in the air. Everybody was in such a hurry to bring about change; there was no time to ask "why" or "what kind of change." As objectivity faded into the sunset, their individual brains melted into a euphoric collective mush, swirling around the only remaining absolute - change. In the absence of other standards, the truth became a mere matter of taste, subject to change without notice. If it didn't change, it wasn't the truth.
~
So they won the election; now what? Three months later and almost a month into Obama's presidency, as the nation is beginning to rub its sore, swollen eyelids and finally trying to focus on reality, it looks in the mirror and, with a shock, notices a gigantic hammer and sickle tattooed on its forehead, which clearly wasn't there before.
The bubbling euphoric pulp has solidified into a depressing pile of unpaid bills and warrants. The computer has turned into a shovel and the big-screen TV into a 1930s-style radio, with the disciplined voice of Dear Leader calling for unity and sacrifice in the face of mounting economic hardships. The only thing left unchanged is the Obama t-shirt with the magic word "change" on the chest.
Being an immigrant from the former USSR - the land of equally redistributed misery - I used to cringe when Americans complained to me about the perceived misery and lack of opportunity under capitalism. I laughed at American homegrown agitators who were carping on behalf of "communities" about the lack of "economic justice." They sounded like ignorant, spoiled brats who hated their rich parents for giving them the car of the wrong color. The whiners either didn't realize how good they had it or they were being deliberately misleading. Either way their message was a fraud.
I had witnessed the stagnation and the collapse of a centralized command economy that, in the absence of the markets, was fueled by the carrot and stick of coercion and stale motivational slogans. I had lived through the hyperinflation, when I had to pay a million rubles to a guy who fixed the rusty refrigerator in my kitchen. I had seen the old country plunge into the chaos of mass unemployment and crime, while it was being robbed to the bone by crooked unelected officials who profited from the corrupt scheme to merge socialism and capitalism - a half-baked brainchild of Clinton's economists who are now advising Obama.
In other words, I had been at the end of this road and I didn't want to take it again.
Like most other immigrants in America, I had discovered a treasure trove of opportunities and was able to provide a comfortable living for my family. I wasn't rich - but every time I would get into my GM car, turn on my HP computer, or watch a DVD from Netflix, I would give thanks for the perks that only an affluent capitalist society could provide. I didn't want any change - except, perhaps, towards fewer government regulations.
But Obama managed to convince millions of Americans that they were so destitute and helpless that only a system of government rationing could save them from imminent starvation and homelessness. All of a sudden, previously self-reliant Americans found themselves in the position of neutered house pets, meowing and howling at the prospect of not getting their guaranteed three meals a day.
Opponents of capitalism will tell you that market demand is created, not by necessity, but by sneaky marketing campaigns that generate a false perception of necessity. The same experts have now implemented this perverted theory by running a multimillion-dollar, Madison-Avenue-style marketing campaign, whose goal was to sell to the generally well-off Americans the notion that they were living in misery, poverty, and hopelessness - thus creating a false perception of a need for change.
And change is materializing fast. Every time the new president opens his mouth, the market plunges. The banking crisis, which Obama used to get in power, was nothing compared to the post-election economic meltdown. On February 10 alone, after Treasury Secretary Geithner proposed a new economic rescue plan, the Dow lost 5% of its value. The unemployment is soaring while consumer confidence is sinking. Obama's aggressive marketing of perceived mass poverty became a self-fulfilling prophecy. As the shadow of the New Deal is darkening the horizon and the heavy steps of the approaching depression are sending tremors throughout the world, the appeal of Obama's plan is no longer in the eyes of the beholder.
This is where the goat comes in (in case you're still wondering about the title). Consider this old Jewish joke I heard back in Ukraine:
A man comes to the rabbi and complains about his life: "I have almost no money, my wife is a shrew, and we live in a small apartment with seven unruly kids. It's messy, it's noisy, it's smelly, and I don't want to live." The rabbi says, "Buy a goat." "What? I just told you there's hardly room for nine people, and it's messy as it is!" "Look, you came for advice, so I'm giving you advice. Buy a goat and come back in a month." In a month the man comes back and he is even more depressed: "It's gotten worse! The filthy goat breaks everything, and it stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?" The rabbi says, "Sell the goat." A few days later the man returns to the rabbi, beaming with happiness: "Life is wonderful! We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat - only the nine of us. The kids are well-behaved, the wife is agreeable - and we even have some money!"
Obama's "change" is precisely the goat that Americans bought when they lost the appreciation of how good they had it. But the perception of misery is not set in stone; this self-inflicted disaster may as well serve as a remedy - an unpleasant but necessary shock therapy helping the misguided voters come to their senses and begin to appreciate what they had lost. And once they get rid of the socialist goat, they will hopefully regain confidence in their own system and continue to enjoy liberty and prosperity as they always did - with the head held high and without the silliness of feeling guilty about it.
The trick is not to let the goat grow on you. Don't settle for socialism. Capitalism may be a self-regulating system, but it won't be able to heal itself if the socialization goes too far. Then it would be a whole different goat story.
Actually, that would be a good way to make money. Get a bunch of goats, go down to the local orphanage, abduct a few of those smelly unwashed brats, cook them up and feed them to the goats.
Comrade Red Square, I have a friend who also fled the old Soviet Union back when Reagan was President. He tells me that he and his wife came to America with 4 suitcases containing everything they owned. In 20 years, he's earned a Doctorate in Engineering, his wife is a research physician and they are multi-millionaires.
He's literally beside himself with grief and anxiety over what Obama has done to his new homeland. He tells me he's seen all this happen before. He wants no part of it. But there is no place left on Earth where he can run, now that America has become a Socialist disaster in the making.
I DENOUNCE Comrade Red Square for his lack of faith in the New Order. The collapse of the Soviet Union proves nothing! Likewise the collapse of all her satellite states, and the miserable, repressive, destitute equal condition of the remaining socialist states. It's only evidence that the great Socialist Experimenttm hasn't really come about yet.
No one has the understanding of Marx and Lenin like we do now! We are the generation that shall see the true Workers' Paradise (patent pending) wrought forth from our own hands!
What is it with the Leftist mentality that can't learn from History? It hasn't been 20 years since the collapse of the USSR, and still these idiots think Marxism is good for a healthy country and healthy society.
This is lies. This filthy rabbi of satan did not explain the purpose for goat. When fighting holy wars, the Prophet (PBUH) would often enjoy the company of a goat. After a time (or two) the flesh could not be consumed nor the milk. This is by Allah's word. Though it is written it can then be sold to others like the impure kafir. Oh the joy the holy Prophet and his companions must have shared. This is how one finds happiness.
Your foolish tales make a need to bang my head on the ground.
If you should like a goat, I have..... at good price for you.
It's obvious what went wrong with the goat. Comrades, this is the sad result of deregulation, lack of government oversight, and the failures of faith-based initiatives, e.g., taking your problems to a rabbi.
You can't just buy a goat, take it home, and expect miracles. For crying out loud--that's the kind of failed thinking that destroyed the economy these past eight years!
That's why we need a fully funded government program to oversee the goat.
Instead of telling the man to buy a goat and leave it at that, the rabbi should have referred him to the proper government agency so he could apply for a goat, get the proper permits, undergo the required waiting period, etc. What's that, you say? There is no such agency? That figures. Well, I'm sure there must be one somewhere in Obama's new stimulus package. Think of all the jobs it will create!
Also, the man obviously didn't know he had to milk the goat to get anything out of it (no doubt that's why the poor creature was breaking things and making so much noise). Again, that's the tried and false "you're-on-your-own" thinking of the Bush Administration that loved to inflict pain and suffering on humans and animals alike. Government intervention is clearly the only solution.
In short, you'll get nothing from anything unless you milk it for everything.
P.S. And the man only thought he was happy after getting rid of the goat. All the more reason he needs Obama--to tell him how miserable he really is!
Do not believe the goat! Only government can solve our problems! Do not return to the failed policies of the past 8 years! Looking ahead, we will declare carbon dioxide to be the vile poison that it is! Then we will have glorious carbon rationing! That will fix everything! Then the great burden will be lifted from the shoulders of the downtrodden masses....
LOL. Great picture, Maksim. But for Him to develop interest in this book, the shovel-wielding masses must first restore the glorious railroad infrastructure to the condition in which it was in the 1950s, followed by a few hundred passengers suffocating in a long railroad tunnel because it wasn't designed for trains pulled by old, coal-fueled locomotives.
Without this literally happening, our progressive intellectuals will never understand the book's meaning. Just like the book's characters, they'll keep following in the current path towards the Common Good until everything around them is broken, and then they'll capture the last remaining capitalist and plead with him to help them, and if he sends them to hell, they'll start torturing him. That would be the torture they can believe in, because it's for the Common Good (since it'll help them to perpetuate their power of the masses). Waterboard John Galt! Waterboard John Galt!
<off>
Brilliant, BRILLIANT post! I forwarded it to everyone I could think of. I wish some of those brain dead people on the Pajama Media would get a clue, but sadly, I think they'll have to experience it for themselves while dragging us along in the process.
I DENOUNCE Comrade Red Square for his lack of faith in the New Order. The collapse of the Soviet Union proves nothing! Likewise the collapse of all her satellite states, and the miserable, repressive, destitute equal condition of the remaining socialist states. It's only evidence that the great Socialist Experimenttm hasn't really come about yet.
No one has the understanding of Marx and Lenin like we do now! We are the generation that shall see the true Workers' Paradise (patent pending) wrought forth from our own hands!
I am in lockstep with comrade DDR Kamerad. This man who wrote this piece on the goat. What he doesn't understand, is yes, our chosen system of sharing and "equalization of opportunity" may have failed in the Soviet Union, China, Cuba, Cambodia, Vietnam, American Communes, General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Cuba, and countless other companies and countries that have tried it, as well as in the fictional story, of Atlas Shrugged, but we can make it work here! I forsee the day when The One will have led us to such collective bliss, that when, in four years another leader offers us freedom, we will say: "Freedom, we don't need your stinking Freedom! We have one goat between the thirty of us, and that is enough for us! Give me the collective, or give me death! As for Mr. Galt, he can keep his stinking car, too! I would take an ox cart any day over a stinking car that runs on static electricity from the air!
This modern technology is amazing. I accidentally found a site that features this story as a narration - and I can't even tell if it's a live person or a computer reading. It's too good to come from a robot, but a couple of words still sounded too artificial. Either way it was fun to hear your own text read back to you as in an audio book. Just in case I saved an MP3 file to my hard disk.
Someone named Larwyn sent me an email illustrating the signs mentioned in the story: "The small print was kind of blurry, while "change" was spelled in huge, pleasing letters"
.
CHANGE! For the worse
CHANGE! is all that will be left in your bank account
I think it was professionally done, RS. There are too many variations, and a couple of barely-noticeable flubs in a couple of words and just the flow of the whole thing convince me it was done by a professional narrator.
"If a "goat" craps in the woods, will Congress hear it? Because those who walk in those woods will certainly remember that "goat", while cleaning their new shoes and breathing that fresh country air!
On behalf of the only true sentient species I must strongly protest!
Only humans would sell goats. Only humans would even want goats! Only humans in their selfish and narcisstic self-indulgence would think of owning a creature coming from such a lowly developed species! And who knows what humans really do with goats! In fact, who wants to know!
Obama's approval rates are irrelevant. Obama is just human and as such he is replaceable. He will play his part, but once that is done he will be removed and replaced with someone more fitting.
Cooperation will be rewarded. Disobediance will be punished.
We are already in your capitals. We have already captured the hearts of your children. There is nothing you can do.
((On a more serious note: I'm still waiting for my World of Warcraft bailout. But seriously, I always thought that the Americans were smarter than that. Obama would fit perfectly into politics here in Europe. Lot's of words, but no message. Lot's of rambling, but no actual idea. Yes, I'm European and I think Obama is really the worst case scenario for the free world and any free market. $13? Wow, that's... one month subscription to WoW. Damn it! I want a WoW bailout as well! Oi! Obama! American aircraft bombed my hometown in WW2, where's my compensation for that?))
Comrade Guin, who is FIRST among the animals, wrote
Obama's approval rates are irrelevant. Obama is just human and as such he is replaceable. He will play his part, but once that is done he will be removed and replaced with someone more fitting.
I AGREE! Somone more fitting and possibly female and, uh, Italian-American and, uh, and the daughter of a former mayor. Yes, I think such a person -- who is a member of Congress, mind you -- would be much, much more fitting to lead this country.
I raise a gnarled thumb in respect. You have detailed The Strategy quite accurately -- an act which previously would make me defensive and to hurl much namecalling in your direction. But now that the 'neutered house pets' have fully empowered OLAS Barack Obama there is hardly a danger that any amount of subversive writings or clandestine meetings can deter his plans.
You and your Rabbi's goat have been smote. Long live the State of Ophoria!
By Allah's will, through ImamObama his messenger, the goat has become a passage to glory and gratitude. Today a morning journey to the foot bath revealed his unequaled grace. The county government center, where I pray, has made easy for one to acquire a goat. You need only input your identification and the purchase is taken from the benefit of being unemployed.
Maybe we are missing a great chance to rid the world of those who would enslave animals through "pet" ownership. We could asign a "judas chimp" to those who would want a "pet". But what they wouldn't know is that the chimp would be programed to gain their trust. Then, when the time is right, the chimp would attak their friends and hopefully the "owner" aswell. Perhaps we could teach goats to kill and eat people also.
Comrade Red Square, I have a friend who also fled the old Soviet Union back when Reagan was President. He tells me that he and his wife came to America with 4 suitcases containing everything they owned. In 20 years, he's earned a Doctorate in Engineering, his wife is a research physician and they are multi-millionaires.
He's literally beside himself with grief and anxiety over what Obama has done to his new homeland. He tells me he's seen all this happen before. He wants no part of it. But there is no place left on Earth where he can run, now that America has become a Socialist disaster in the making.
Comrade Comrade Whoopie
I had that same conversation with a woman that I didn't even know. She had come from Russia years before and now owns a barber shop. She's not rich, but having lived through the same thing Obama is trying to ease us into, she still appreciates what she has here - unlike my liberal - uh, I mean progressive friend who I was arguing with when the Russian woman stepped in.
Welcome to the Collective, Guin. Now your re-education may begin.
Lesson One: double parenthesis are a bourgeoise affectation and are not tolerated. If you feel the need to slip out of character, please avail yourself of the proper Party approved clip art, available by clicking on the "edit" button and inserting the appropriate graphic. For example you wrote:
Quote
((On a more serious note: I'm still waiting for my World of Warcraft bailout. But seriously, I always thought that the Americans were smarter than that. Obama would fit perfectly into politics here in Europe. Lot's of words, but no message. Lot's of rambling, but no actual idea. Yes, I'm European and I think Obama is really the worst case scenario for the free world and any free market. $13? Wow, that's... one month subscription to WoW. Damn it! I want a WoW bailout as well! Oi! Obama! American aircraft bombed my hometown in WW2, where's my compensation for that?))
Properly expressed (with one of only many options) it would appear:
Quote
I'm still waiting for my World of Warcraft bailout. But seriously, I always thought that the Americans were smarter than that. Obama would fit perfectly into politics here in Europe. Lot's of words, but no message. Lot's of rambling, but no actual idea. Yes, I'm European and I think Obama is really the worst case scenario for the free world and any free market. $13? Wow, that's... one month subscription to WoW. Damn it! I want a WoW bailout as well! Oi! Obama! American aircraft bombed my hometown in WW2, where's my compensation for that?
We're all in favor of freedom of expression here, as long as it meets the goals, norms and rubrics of a centrally planned thought script.
On an additional note, you might want to get to know DDR Kamerade. You may find you share some common interests.
Was the goat provided by Central Planning through proper channels, or was it a black market goat? Did the prole declare proceeds from the sale on his taxes? What prefect is he from...where is the commissar who approved this mess in the first place? Is there no oversight committee monitoring goat distribution these days? Good Mao, they could have given him a chimpanzee by mistake...
Dahlinks, I do believe the Obamessiah must appoint a special czar to oversee the goat distribution! And then a committee must be appointed to determine the economic worthiness of the goat distribution. A few years and millions of dollars later, we will each have our own stinky male goats that aren't even good for milk (although I have tasted barbecued goat ribs and they were delicious ... much better than beets).
Wait! What's that? Dahlinks, the little voices in my head are telling me that the Obamessiah's friends at PETA would be quite upset by the mass goat distibution. We will still have the czar, the committee and the loss of time and money but in the end we will get no goat! Instead we will get a pamphlet telling us of the gloriousness of a vegetarian diet. Back to the beet fields with us!
Wonderfully written, RS! So many liberals have turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the failure of communism and socialism. It is refreshing to read someone bring it back to life and expressed so succinctly! Good work, dahlink!
On an additional note, you might want to get to know DDR Kamerade. You may find you share some common interests.
I sympathize greatly with all that Comrade Guin has suffered for having his hometown bombed when his grandparents were alive. Was it Dresden, by any chance? Did the KKKapitalist aggressors even bother to help you rebuild your home? Oh, the horror of your poverty! And for two generations!
It's almost on-par with the Palestinian refugees! Or the great-great-great-great grandchildren of slaves in our own country! Such travesties must be paid for!
You deserve a chunk of the stimulus package! Hell, so what if you're not AmeriKKKan? President Pelosi has authorized the expenditure that exceeds the GDP of 227 countries! We surely have enough to cover the needs of our progressive brethren in Europe!
So what if they already have their own socialist programs in place! Everyone needs a cash infusion! Our favorite party isn't called the Spend-on-Crap Partytm for nothing!
But for Him to develop interest in this book, the shovel-wielding masses must first restore the glorious railroad infrastructure to the condition in which it was in the 1950s, followed by a few hundred passengers suffocating in a long railroad tunnel because it wasn't designed for trains pulled by old, coal-fueled locomotives.
People are utterly blinded by their hope for this poseur, having defaulted on their responsibility to think.
The best of all worlds (that are open to us now) is that things get really bad on the watch of His O'liness, until he is no longer cool nor are Nanners and Reid et al.
I have a very financially sophisticated friend who remarked on the weaknesses in the banking system, and on Greenspan saying that every century or so you had to nationalize banks. Greenspan, who sat at the feet of Ayn Rand. My friend's point is that things are dire indeed.
Which view is bolstered by the good stocks which are taking a beating: GE, AmEx, and others.
I've not been through this, being lucky enough to be a lifelong American, but we can hope that the bien pensant might be shocked out of cheapjack sloganeering into actual thinking when things get worse under His O'liness than they were under the reviled W.
More and more I get the feeling that Obama is just clueless, having never really thought about governance past a few tired nostrums. He's letting Nanners and others run things while he does the simple and pleasing chore of campaigning. Even Slick Willie suggested that Obama might be more of a cheerleader for the country.
מבקשים "תקווה ושינוי"? קנו עז
עצתו של רב זקן מאוקראינה
למרות שהתקשורת הממוסדת לא תרבה לדווח על כך, אחוזי התמיכה באובמה מצטמקים. משמעות הדבר כי במקום אחר, מספרים אחרים צומחים – המספרים הצומחים הבלתי-מדווחים על ידי התקשורת ההמונית הם של אמריקאים הבועטים בעצמם משום שלא טרחו לקרוא את האותיות הקטנות מתחת למילה "שינוי" שנכתבה באותיות ענק, מענגות, על גבי השלטים אותם החזיקו בעצרות.
Let me raise a bottle of Mazal-Tov cocktail on this side of the Atlantic, in solidarity with our Israeli brethren and cistern sistren!
Comrades...
Sheik Abu Moham is correct. The prophet (phuh) has loved many goats. It is written...the prophet with a goat is a smiling prophet. I am really a socialist atheist like our dear Leader..Obama..but I do not wish to insult our Muslim friends who are almost always on our side.
No, Silly. Bush did. All these reactionary pigs calling this "The Obama Economy" should be purged! Even the stuff that dates back to Clinton can be blamed on Bush...
No, Silly. Bush did. All these reactionary pigs calling this "The Obama Economy" should be purged! Even the stuff that dates back to Clinton can be blamed on Bush...
No, no, no! The problems of the Clinton era are to be laid at the feet of the even greater arch-criminal, Reagan. Except when His Obamaness (grind the organ, sound the calliope, beat the tocsin, and all MUST bow down) is addressing the Generation Duh voters who have no personal memory of the arch-criminal Reagan and whose history classes were properly spent studying the glories of the Cultural Revolution. Then it must be blamed on Bush--and quickly, before they are distracted by a shiny object or strange noise.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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But Obama managed to convince millions of Americans that they were so destitute and helpless that only a system of government rationing could save them from imminent starvation and homelessness. All of a sudden, previously self-reliant Americans found themselves in the position of neutered house pets, meowing and howling at the prospect of not getting their guaranteed three meals a day.
Maybe we are missing a great chance to rid the world of those who would enslave animals through "pet" ownership. We could asign a "judas chimp" to those who would want a "pet". But what they wouldn't know is that the chimp would be programed to gain their trust. Then, when the time is right, the chimp would attak their friends and hopefully the "owner" aswell. Perhaps we could teach goats to kill and eat people also. 
Change is good...no matter what the cost comrades! 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
