This is reactionary heresy! The message from the last election is that Amerikka does not want to be protected from terrorism if doing so makes others unhappy! We do not life and liberty if having these makes the rest of the world dislike us. Don't you read the newspapers??? Oh, I feel so guilty that this country elected this vile and evil demon twice. Curse you, Commissar Maksim! These gruesome images are killing my marijuana rhododendron plants. I think I'm having a spell.... Calling Obama! Emergency, code pink! Aaaacccckkkk.....
Yes this robbing the terrorist of their rights to kill and injure is just plain wrong. Terrorist need jobs too. History will remember President Bush as a Big Fat Meanie.
Conversely History will remember Obago with the reverence of Peanut Carter.
Yes, terrorists need jobs too, but it is discriminatory to call them terrorists. Take a page from Reuters who call them freedom fighters. Or something like that. For one man's bondage is another man's freedom--unless it's America which as we know holds the entire world in bondage.
If it weren't for America, Afghani women would all be wearing burqas. Afghani women would not have medical care, except for a male doctor calling out instructions through a keyhole to an untrained woman doing the work.
And if it weren't for America, Saddam Hussein would still be controlling the population of the evilest thing on earth, homo sapiens, with his huge human garbage grinder with the rotating blades.
If it weren't for America, Africa would not have those AIDS drugs, which are, as we all know, merely a method for oppressive Big Pharma to get rich.
Yes, my dear Commissar, Bushitler does control the oppressive Big Pharma, and the drugs are not really to combat the AIDS epidemic, but to sterilize the masses, ie.: Bushitler's cruel campaign is for population control,
There is cause for hope, because it doesn't seem to be working very well.
You're right, Che--and the people who are killed by the Bushitler will be made into Soylent Green. This will satisfy Howard Zinn and Paul Kurgman, who call for increasing investment in the economy. Is there anything more selfless than investing your body to be made into food?
What's this sickening filth doing on my Cube? This cult-of-personality agitprop from the digitally lobotomized, Faux News addicted, knuckle-dragging 23 percenters who worship Bush, lick Bush's boots, and drool over the idea of him refusing to leave office next Tuesday?
These are the same blind, deaf, not to mention totally DUMB rightard Bush-is-a-demigod idiots who buy up Bush commemorative coins and plates and collectors' trains--CHOO-CHOO! Let's chug-chug-choo-choo our country into the dark tunnel and down the toilet all thanks to Bush. Well, looks like you slobbering neocons finally ran out of track. Too bad. Bush should be tied down to them so he can be run over by his own train wreck of an administration.
Sheesh, Maksim. You forgot the rays of sunlight and the rainbows and the unicorns and the happy little dancing forest animals. Why not perch a chirpy little bluebird on Bush's shoulder? Oh, and don't forget the children and the babies. Bush just loves unaborted babies, but will he give them free health care for life?
I hereby denounce you, Maksim. Report to my office immediately, so you can get what's coming to you. And give me your boots so they can be reissued. You won't be needing them after I'm done with you. NOW!
Never fear comrades. Once the evil Bushitler is gone, Obama will talk to the terrorists . . . uh, I mean freedom fighters, and then . . . and then . . . oh f*ck.
Never fear comrades. Once the evil Bushitler is gone, Obama will talk to the terrorists . . . uh, I mean freedom fighters, and then . . . and then . . . oh f*ck.
Oh heck! Bad news on that front comrades. This afternoon, I caught a few moments of The One's speech at the Obama Lincoln Memorial. He actually acknowledged that the country was at WAR! Worse still, he didn't qualify it with "Bush's illegal, immoral war for oil and profit™". What in the hell is going on here? We were supposed to be loved by the world, war would stop, the rising seas would recede and Utopia would be upon us. Late last week, a FISA review court upheld Bush's use of illegal wire tapping of innocent terrorists' grandmothers' phone conversations! Pelosi is demanding immediate repeal of Bush's tax cuts for the rich, while The One seems reluctant to do it.
Me thinks that El Presidente' -elect has spent some time getting security briefings and finding what's really going outside of the constant rhetorical scream and howl of the media and the leftist blogs. There seems to a creeping Clinton-esque pragmatism running through the Obama administration. We'll see, of course but it has been interesting to watch how much more subdued His Highness has become in recent weeks.
Sheesh, Maksim. You forgot the rays of sunlight and the rainbows and the unicorns and the happy little dancing forest animals. Why not perch a chirpy little bluebird on Bush's shoulder? Oh, and don't forget the children and the babies. Bush just loves unaborted babies, but will he give them free health care for life?
I find the Bushitler tribute to be quite fitting for the Proletariat. It is a day of mourning, in much the same way the repeal of Prohibition was something of a let-down for the Kennedy family.
Freedom fighters DO need someone to fight against to validate themselves...at least Bushitler gave them some real competition. I fear that the days of Obamessiah will only give them the option of opium junkies locally, and "don't ask, don't tell" Bruno-loving Section-8 candidates exported from the US Military-Industrial complex.
If we consider His O'liness's associates we can only assume that he's utterly unprincipled, or that he's stupid (which he is not) or that he is a lightweight, who, being an affirmative-action baby, never had to make difficult choices. People say that this job is too big for on-the-job training but every president got it. I still get the feeling that he is a puppet.
Back to the topic, isn't "popularity" a bad thing? I believe that everything that is popular is wrong (Like McDonald's). The only things that are popular and good for The Common Good™ are sex, drugs, and anything that's popular among the Party members.
The only bad things are what the Party declares bad. The only good is what we say is good. The MSM then broadcasts our truth to the masses.
In other words do as we say, not as we do. These are the simple truths of the Party. Individual thought about what is good or bad is very dangerous and could lead to a re-education camp in your future.
Skinnee Jay, Mark Twain said, "When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to reform." There is a lot of herd mentality of course. McDonald's is utterly vile, as is hip-hop. But when the movie Amadeus came out Mozart was popular for a while and there is NOTHING wrong with Mozart. If it's popular there's nothing wrong with being predisposed against it but still in every case you have to apply your own judgment.
Then there are things which are popular, but may not be understood right. The idea of freedom is popular but I'm not sure that people understand it. They sure as hell don't vote as though they do.
And Cone of Silence comes from the sixties sitcom Get Smart where Don Adams plays Maxwell Smart, an idiot secret agent. Anytime he needs to have a secret conversation with his boss, Chief, Edward Platt, he insists on this huge lucite thing coming down over their heads and it always screws up. A cultural icon here.
Obamarchy, do not fret. His O'liness is assured another election and that ought to be enough for Progressive luminaries like Professor Kurgman to convince the rest of the world, with their lofty intellects and nonpareil insights, that democracy is just so wasteful and useless that we won't bother with another election.
So His O'liness will remain elevated on the Throne of Washington.
(off)
Thank you,Maksim, for the artwork,
and thank you Mr. President for 7 years of unambiguous desire to keep America safe, and share the blessings of liberty with peoples too weakened and oppressed to achieve it themselves.
When I am feeling the heaviness of anxiety
over the socialist bent of Obama and his ilk,
I find that singing this song,
(well, a prayer, really) helps:
We shall overcome,
we shall overcome,
we shall overcome someday.
Deep in my heart,
I do believe,
we shall overcome someday.
If we consider His O'liness's associates we can only assume that he's utterly unprincipled, or that he's stupid (which he is not) or that he is a lightweight, who, being an affirmative-action baby, never had to make difficult choices. People say that this job is too big for on-the-job training but every president got it. I still get the feeling that he is a puppet.
It reminds me of a quote from Hochhuth's "Der Stellvertreter," when a remark was made about the Vatican making a Pact with Hitler. The Pope said that Hitler was a tool they would let fall as soon as they can.
With Obama's pliability, I would not doubt at all if we find something very similar during the next four years.
When I am feeling the heaviness of anxiety
over the socialist bent of Obama and his ilk,
I find that singing this song,
(well, a prayer, really) helps:
We shall overcome,
we shall overcome,
we shall overcome someday.
Deep in my heart,
I do believe,
we shall overcome someday.
which is saccharine, cloying and treacly. But notice that there is one black man who says, "I promise to be an American and not an African-American." Hope that's accurate; I'm at work and don't want Youtube noise.
If this is a trend, it will be the first time ever that the left has not used identity politics and grievance mongering as divide and conquer. This folks could be huge.
Amen. For all his many faults, he's been a man of principle. In 100 years, when this generation of salivating, booger eating leftists have passed, he'll get the credit he deserves for his leadership in the GWOT.
His O'liness was just sworn in about 1 minute ago. Today begins the New Dark Age of the Tyranny of Socialism for America. Welcome to the United Soviet States of a AmeriKa.
"forebearers"????
Love the uplifting message:"Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet. "
in the words of scripture:"in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things."which? does he mean Cor 13:11 (When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.)
YAY:"Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. "
DOUBLE YAY:"the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. "
TRIPLE YAY:"We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. "
ONE NATION ... "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. " ... under GOG
Your tax dollars at work:"To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it."
Faith in..."it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. " YOURSELF! Just like Disney has told us in numerous educational movies.
"...with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations. " Oh, I hope not.
I just read your glowing diatribe at Jessica's Well. I do so agree with you that there is no longer an excuse for peoples of color to say that they cannot succeed.
Man Up should be the rallying cry for the oppressed poor black masses. Amen !
I don't think so. (That indeed was a great post on the well.)
But with Lowery's conclusion to his benediction,
Benediction at Obama 's inauguration, Rev. Joseph Lowery: 'Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen. Say Amen'...
It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.
It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.
And never will. He traffics in grievances. It didn't matter how much decent people repented of Jim Crow or the casual racism of 50 years ago; it doesn't matter how much I wince at some of the Old Time Radio on XM 164; still there was that cloud...
In a way I have it easier than most people. If I were accosted by, "You don't know what it's like to be black," I would riposte with, "You don't know what it's like to hear your mother say that AIDS is God's revenge on the queers." (That was a long time ago.)
In a world without ethics all decisions are made purely by tastes. It is the common taste, convenient to minorities and people who want to wear that mantle, and pleasing to hair-shirt leftists, that whites are automatically guilty regardless of how absurd the charge. And the lemma to this is that minorities are innocent because (1) we have to understand why they did it, or (2) they were forced to do it by societal pressures which they were victims of, which is really (1). So there needed to be one huge incontrovertible fact that some secret cabal of old white men is not ruling the world. And now we have it.
If people have the guts to do it, the Investiture of His O'liness can be the silver bullet to stop the accusations. This is a sound-bite age and not one of thinking, so we need phrases like, "You're the man now."
I truly hope that Obama does well; appointing old Clinton retreads is frightening but could be a hell of a lot worse; he promised ACORN that he'd let them in to set policy. Get out the scissors for the Constitution and drink up your savings. Might as well. But they're not there. I still think his O'liness is a lightweight--sonorous, attractive, trained in the resonances of the black church--but he'll get rolled--is being rolled--by the piranha Democrats in Congress, who are showing open contempt for him now. And what will happen when a "community organizer," who relies on being protected by laws as he breaks them (think on that one for a second), and whose other jobs have been chablis-and-brie meet and greets, gets in touch with a certifiable homicidal madman like the president of Iran? He said that losing 5 million Iranians would be worth it to get rid of Israel.
Do you really think that his O'liness can wrap his tender feelings around that? He's an utter creature of laws. I fear, and do NOT hope, that his administration will give away the store as the world perceives him to be clueless, as he shivers in the Oval Office finding out that the mellifluous cadences just don't work with butchers, bullies and thugs.
Hell, he'd understand more if his father hadn't been a Kenyan but a Rastafarian street thug. I'd have more confidence in him then.
It seems whites still aint got it right by Lowery's sight.
Hell, he'd understand more if his father hadn't been a Kenyan but a Rastafarian street thug. I'd have more confidence in him then.
Amen to that. At least a Rastafarian thug would either A) be reformed and long for the good or B) have the cujones to gun down (figuratively) anyone who threatened the nation or the office (including the sharks in the Dem party).
As to the rightness of the whiteness; I learned long ago not to feel guilt for things I cannot change and not to be apologetic for deeds I have not done.
I chuckled at the closing of the benediction, divide & conquer. The sheeple will be lead into the slavery of socialism chanting "four legs good, two legs bad".
Never mind our enemies, wait until Western leaders realize that the guy is an empty suit.
Where is the Current Truth page depicting the gloriousness of our Obamasiah's Inaguration?! I'd make it myself, but I have to work am just waiting around for it to be made, and feel it should be up by now.
I must confess, I never could boycott my french brandy. Napoleon all the way.
(French beer, no problem)
I can say the bottle has a Mexican tax stamp on it. The nice man who sold it too me says it came with some nice french technology. Good for me he doesn't drink.
But he limits most of his delusions (until recently) to the EU, which is fine by me. Chirac divided his time between befriending tyrants like Mugabe/Sadam and trying to actively counter U.S. foreign policy.
But he limits most of his delusions (until recently) to the EU, which is fine by me. Chirac divided his time between befriending tyrants like Mugabe/Sadam and trying to actively counter U.S. foreign policy.
I think Chirac thought of himself as the 2nd coming of de Gaulle. Unfortunately, it was spilt on the floor.
Ol' de Gaulle, "Hey NATO, get the f*** out of my country. We will defeat the Russians on our own! Didn't you witness us do it to the hated Bosch twice in the past 60 years?" I suppose he figured, I got a couple of nukes, what can they do to me?
I dunno, he kinda looks like ol Walt. Separated at Birth?
General Snippet:I warn you, madam - I know the entire Geneva Convention by heart!
Grand Duchess Gloriana:Oh, how nice! You must recite it for me some evening; I play the harpsichord.
C. Hitchens was magnificently dismissive of Chirac, for just those same reasons, calling him "the rat that soared."
Fitting. Then you have Gerhard Schroeder who now works for comrade Putin at Gazprom. Still there, even as Putin "removes" obstacles, critics and reclaims "state" assets. So Sarkozy might have some flaws but he's head and shoulders above so called "pragmatic" leaders like Chirac/Schroeder.
But bear in mind that all French leaders are friends only when they need us, and stab us in the back when they don't. And on D-Day French farmers tried to block American access to the country.
However this does not apply to all of France; I'm told that Brittany is very grateful indeed to America. And when I was there the countryside was nice.
With the exception of Angela Merkel, all the Euroweenie leaders are empty suits.
I don't know...Queen Margrethe of Denmark showed some testicular fortitude in '06 when she told the Islamists that, while they were welcome in her country, they had no right to dictate matters to it. Furthermore, if they wanted to live in Denmark, they would do well to integrate themselves into it, rather than insulate themselves from it.
Very ballsy coming from a Scandinavian country, since most of them tend to lean quite left.
EDIT: Did some more searching around for Margrethe, specifically looking for the article where I first saw her quoted on the matter. However, it seems she has been on the case of radical muslims for a good while, even before the infamous Danish cartoons.
Sarko is an improvement but he's also got, like all French presidents, delusions of grandeur and, pardon, short-man syndrome.
The Dissident Frogman says it all right here:
The post where that image was placed can be found here. Make sure to send the Frogman an email message to post something new! He hasn't updated in a good while, and reading about bear repellent got old many weeks ago.
I didn't know that about Queen Margrethe; thanks. Google "French Military Victories." You'll like it. It says it can't find anything and asks if you meant "French Military Defeats." Which if you say yes, gives you:
***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.
We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.
Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
I didn't know that about Queen Margrethe; thanks. Google "French Military Victories." You'll like it. It says it can't find anything and asks if you meant "French Military Defeats." Which if you say yes, gives you:
***Please note that the Web designer is not American and blaming the Web designer for America's history is illogical. Though you may critisize this oversimplified French history all you wish, blaming or threatening the Web designer is not nice.
We are still accepting submissions from history researchers.
Last update: May 4, 2005.
- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]
- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
- Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the following losses:
Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.
Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".
Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.
Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.
Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.
Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.
India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.
Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.
1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.
French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):
1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.
St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.
Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.
Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.
[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.
Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.
Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:
Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).
Richard Mann, an American in France wants to add the following:
The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.
I think I can add two new rules to this whole list.
1. (France) Don't fight against the Germans.
2 (Germans) A war against France is a garunteed victory.
Ah, les froggies. I recall, with a tear in my socialist's eye, how they developed their force de frappe, or atom bomb, with a striking distance of seventy miles! Ah. To nuke Belgium as the Huns marched across it.
Personally while I was watching the Python sketch I kept zoning out thinking I was listening to Edith Piaf. But after a while I knew it wasn't Piaf because the paint on my walls didn't peel and the eggs in my fridge are not addled.
But I'll hand it to them. When I was in Paris in 1979 they'd just taken the male pissoirs off the street. The ones which showed the man's legs and head.
I am told that washing machines are better now--instead of hanging sheets outside the window to air them, and then throwing them away when they're black, they get washed.
Navigator, you may have to become a base-born socialist. That's a footpad.
We here in the inner circle know that there is no moral difference between a redistributive socialist and a mugger--except that mugging is over a hell of a lot faster. And the mugger only takes what you have on you right then.
Commissar Theocritus and Commissar_Elliott,
Please explain career opportunities in mugging.
Waiting for promises from Mr Faith Hope and Change to arrive at doorstep gives me calluses in places other than my hands.
Do I apply at congress or senate or can I simply start out on my own?
I'm ready to start.
Navigator, you start off as a simple street thug--a cutpurse or a footpad. Then you get involved in hip-hop. You become a performance artist, and a street artist--that means graffiti.
Then you complain about police harassment, and ride that into notoriety which is synonymous with fame--it's all part of the celebrity machine of the new millennium, when what you're famous for isn't as important as the fame itself.
Then it's a short step into community organizing. Then to elected office.
Navigator, you start off as a simple street thug--a cutpurse or a footpad. Then you get involved in hip-hop. You become a performance artist, and a street artist--that means graffiti.
Then you complain about police harassment, and ride that into notoriety which is synonymous with fame--it's all part of the celebrity machine of the new millennium, when what you're famous for isn't as important as the fame itself.
Then it's a short step into community organizing. Then to elected office.
See where I'm going?
Don't forget, this is also a sign the community is in poor shape due to a crapitalistic system the US of KKKA has. Otherwise, Commissar Theocritus has it right, course I never saw the Obamasiah rap, got any videos?
Commissar Theocritus,
Wow...I never expected it was so easy!
All this time I thought I was doing the right thing as a small business owner.
Now that my work has come to a complete standstill because of the "stimulus" program Capitalism Destruction Effort .... I'm seeing the shape of things to come:
I'm looking forward to my new career as a mugger!
Do any muggers listen to country music?
Rex, I'm a bit uncertain. Testicular vice sounds like something that our first black President, Mr. Clinton had. Testicular vise sounds like something that Our Many Titted Empress has.
Although the credit crisis was caused by Fannie Mae buying bad loans, Bush was at the back of it. Even though Jimmy Carter started the law and Roberta Achtenberg and Janet Reno of the Clinton Administration pressed for mortgages which couldn't be repaid. And Our Blessed President, on returning to Chicago, was hired by Madeline Talbot, the director of Chicago's ACORN, to train her troops in community organizing.
Such a mensch! These ACORN people threatened the wives and children of mortgage lenders to make these bad, but utterly necessary, loans, and Barney Frank and Chris Dodd got Fannie Mae to buy the loans.
And all the while George W. Bush wasn't even president. So he must be responsible.
And for those two horrible wars. I have on good authority that all the votes for the wars, the votes for, by Democrats, were actually fraudulent votes, just like the Florida 2000 election was fraudulent. Because good Democrat shock troops couldn't go behind closed doors to get what they want.
And Bush is still responsible because the stimulus bill is being called an Emergency Measure, and so the Republicans aren't allowed to review it. And even though Barack Obama ("We'll start following our ethical standards soon") let Nancy Pelosi write a bill which will have his name on it, it's Bush's fault.
And most of all, it's Bush's fault that Saddam Hussein's abbatoir has been shut down. You know, the rotating knives with a truck underneath that he and his sons would throw inconvenient people into.
Yes. It's all Bush's fault. I quite agree. What an evil, horrible man.
How can you capitalist pigs like bush, he fucked up our economy, and got us into 2 horrible wars, how can you still like him?
As Obamissar of Gulags, I nominate this Comrade for Platform 11, which leads straight to the Gulag for Trolls. However, I do not have an Obamissar's Magic Wand yet...
Rex, that sound you here is this confused Commissar with an index finger on each temple. Obama's magic wand...using Obama's magic wand.
I see Keith Olbermann. I see Chris Matthews. I see knee pads...
sorry, bad joke, and far too subtle. So here, I'll explain it and take all the humor away.
Vodkavich said "Obamissar's Magic Wand" from which my mind immediately leaped to the earlier discussion about certain, um, inappropriate Obama products which were constructed by a well-known proprietor of Jessica's Well.
Then that same proprietor said that this Magic Wand was a "boogie-man" story from which my mind leapt to the other more nuanced meaning of the word "boogie" as in "to boogie" or "boogie down" or "boogie in your butt" (Eddie Murphy); to which I asked obscurely "which man?" as in which man would be getting boogied by the Obamissar's Magic Wand.
So, anyway, too subtly perverse for my own good, I guess and now I'm hoisted on my own canard.
Ah. Sorry. The Obamado was just about my only outing in PS. And I'm not the proprietor of Jessica's Well, only the most obnoxious one there. See? I'm a good progressive. I make noise and don't do the heavy lifting. Ask Red Square.
Since I am of the opinion that His O'liness has Nanners' arm all the way to the elbow up his butt, does the Obamdo ring the changes on Onanism? It certainly redefines autoencephaloproctology.
So you're telling me that none of you Big Mighty "real" Commissars have wands that can edit other people's douchebaggery into the Gulag for Trolls?!! Just what makes y'all so freakin Progressive?!?! A lot of big talk and nothin' to back it up, huh?? You remind me of The One trying to pimp the PORKulus... I guess it's true what they say- pimpin' ain't easy. Well since Big Mighty "real" Commissar powers are just figments of ass-boogie (Thanks, Rex, for the pervisons. The man is Everyman, btw) I will take the one from that dead man over there since it will do just as much good.
Congratulations to Theo for not doing the heavy lifting. I guess he's the only psuedoREAL Commissar here.
To recap: It's Progressive to talk smack and then not do anything UNLESS it's advancing the Progressive agenda that doesn't get done, in which case it's just lame, UNLESS it's Theo or the third Thursday of the month, or Labor day when we all don't work, or if Nanners has a pimple on one of her ass cheeks.... Hmmmm...
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
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Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
