Communists of Petersburg and the Leningrad Oblast have issued an official statement on Barack Obama's victory in the 2008 presidential election. They are the same glorious party who earlier denounced Harrison Ford with Cate Blanchett for the anti-Soviet propaganda in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and most recently accused Olga Kurylenko of treason for playing the new Bond girl.
If you find the text over the top, please note that we are not making this up: this is our most thorough word-for-word translation of their Russian-language statement posted on the official Party website:
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Communists of Petersburg on Obama Victory
The Secretary of the Volkhov District Committee of the Communist Party Katerina Petrova has expressed the Party's position in her statement regarding the victory in the presidential election of the candidate of the liberal wing of the Democrat Party Barack Obama:
"The days of the bloodthirsty and thieving Bush administration are ending. The American people have rejected the rabid Russophobia and anti-Sovietism of McCain. We, the Communists, believe that McCain must respond to his own defeat like an honorable officer and shoot himself in the head. Or there will be no respect left for him.
Even though Obama was supported by many left-wing forces in the U.S., including - at our request - The Communist Party of America, Barack is clearly being controlled by the Pentagon and Wall Street. Comrade Zyuganov has correctly observed with dismay that Obama is surrounded by slithering certified Russophobes - Brzezinski and the maniacal Albright. Therefore, Russia cannot lower its guard - we must be prepared for the continuation of the Cold War. But there still is a chance that Barack Obama chooses a realistic policy and brings new people into his team. The Communists and the Socialist Party USA, as well as Negro organizations, must demand that Obama appoint their representatives to key management positions! Let's also hope that Obama is intelligent enough to reach out to Venezuela, Cuba, Syria, Korea, Zimbabwe, and Palestine.
We would like to alert the progressive forces of America: if Obama chooses the policies of reason and renounces Bush's policies of aggression and intervention, the CIA will try to assassinate the new president. To this end, the American Left must hide Obama in some sort of Uncle Tom's cabin. But in the event Obama succumbs to the pressure from the bankers and the military reactionaries, all the workers who have contributed money to his campaign must withdraw their dollars back.
We have noticed the hope and enthusiasm with which the people's America is celebrating the Negro boy's victory; how it is being cheered in the streets of American towns and villages by common toilers who are tired of the war in Iraq, of the absolute power of monopolies, of the hawks in the White House; it is impossible not to get excited at the sight of the dark-skinned Americans - so thirsty for change... You better not mislead them, Barack Obama! Do not leave them exposed to the forces of blind fate! Do not betray the legacy of glorious Americans - Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Martin Luther King! Or you won't be worth a red cent!"
The People's Cube Statement regarding the Communists of Petersburg Statement regarding Obama victory:
Comrades!
American toiling masses under the guidance of the People's Cube wholeheartedly support Communists of Petersburg and the Leningrad Oblast! In a statement regarding your statement, we would like the entire world once again to denounce McCarthyism and the rabid dogs of Cold War paranoia as evidence of America's incorrigible ignorance about the world's good intentions. It is a disgrace that in our progressive age, Red Scare continues to guide American policies as the masses are slaving under the yoke of inefficient capitalist monopolies - a sad reality that is causing resentment and anti-Americanism in the lands that are enlightened and peaceful.
As the rest of the world plunges further into the normalcy of peace and socialism, it would have loved to take the United States with it - if only Americans weren't so ridiculously scared of change proposed by foreign and domestic fighters for social and economic justice. But with the election of Barack Obama to the highest office that change may finally come - and we hope that in the end the Communists of Petersburg and the Leningrad Oblast will find it in their hearts to forgive our past transgressions and deservedly call us equals in a just and happy community of pegs in the machine of progress.
In other news, the same Communists of Petersburg have just issued the following list of traditional party-approved slogans for the November 7th celebration of the 91st Anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution:
Long live the Great October!
Strive for the unity of communists and socialists!
The rabid dog of capitalism is dead - give us the flaming winged socialism!
Russia's true names are Lenin, Stalin, Gagarin!
Education, healthcare, housing - free of charge!
Green light to the Russian culture! Wipe the ugly Americanism off our screens!
Yes to the nationalization of foreign companies in Russia!
Yes to the unification of Russia with Byelorussia, Abkhazia, Ossetia, Transdnestr, and the Crimea!
Return palaces to the children!
Greetings to the states of socialism and people's democracy - Cuba, Vietnam, China, North Korea, Venezuela, Nicaragua, Bolivia, Syria, Nepal, Ecuador, Angola, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Laos!
Comrades, perhaps we are being selfish. If they venerate B._.O. so highly, perhaps we should send him to rule Russia. What better place to hide him than Uncle Vlad's cabin, nyet?
The Communist Party of St. Petersburg has gone soft. Why else would it call for McCain to shoot himself, when Obama has perfectly good goons to carry that out for him?
Disturbingly, this sweet little socialistka reveals her bourgeois side when she appeals to "honor." I believe she is in need of serious Stalinist reeducation. This little pussy cat is just the one for the job. Hold on my sexy little Kat Petrova! Reeeeooowwww!
Glad to see that indeed the world respects us again, the well-wishes are pouring in. The great change is upon us.
A word of caution, though. Let us not make too much of the triumph of comrades of color, lest we disenfranchise them all over again. You see, if the bourgeoisie believe that Amerikka is truly post-racial, all support for our social justice movement will evaporate! We must continue to beat the drum! Opposition to any Democrat policies means pockets of racism are still smoldering!
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of <st1><st1>Texas</st1></st1> , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'<o></o>
Ah, The Dear Leader So much for the lies and rumors that you were ill.
I want you to attend the inauguration (or whatever we decide to call it) and administer the oath to THE ONE.
Comrades, this is no good.
Quote
"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute theoffice ofPresident of the United States, and will to the best of my ability,preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."
I want it changed. We did demand CHANGE, didn't we comrades? So, let's CHANGE it; anyone up to the task?
Glory to THE DEAR LEADER, Comrade Kim Jung IL.
WE are humbled and infinately honored for you to guide us.
Where do I get my shiny satiny Smock of Collectivized Followerhood? My potato harvesting activities would be much more enhanced were I to sport a spiffy emblazoned smock while I worked.
It's not vanity that drives me, comrades, but the ability to work in honor of the glorious collective while simultaneously wearing proof of my dedication to the Good of the People ™ on my upper torso. Look on the joy on the faces on those modeling this newest fashion item! Look at the Hope ™ that shines from their eyes!
Our glorious future - we'll all have the same faces! Is that me or... the soldier, the engineer, and NKVD-shnik in blue have the same faces? May be I am just dizzy with success...
Where do I get my shiny satiny Smock of Collectivized Followerhood? My potato harvesting activities would be much more enhanced were I to sport a spiffy emblazoned smock while I worked.
KittyRed
Please report to The Eastern El Paso County Collective Farm of the Commonwealth of Colorado. You have been promoted to corn, wheat, and cattles feed. Once there you will be issued--er I mean GIFTED with a shiny satiny what ever you said. Please do not be late, as the new time clock shoots...I mean sends a report causing me tons of paper work. I do enjoy paperwork for the glory of my lord and savior Barry but I find that my time is better used encouraging the laborers by--I mean AND keeping my AK polished.
Hail Obama and the Peoples Party who we thank for the latest farming technology. * a tear of joy falls on my wooden handled spade*
It was obviously a secret message to Comrades Vlad and Bruno.
Doctor, there is no need of secret messages to me. I detect code words in everything. Why, just the other day I was reading the Declaration of Independence, looking for loopholes, and I found that
Thomas Jefferson wrote wrote
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
Yeah. Like that's really what he meant. Here's the real deal:
Thomas Jefferson meant, in code wrote
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for some people to wail the shit out of other people because they want to and they can, that's just fine as long as it's progressives wailing the shit out of people.
Yeah. Like that's really what he meant. Here's the real deal:
Thomas Jefferson meant, in code wrote
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for some people to wail the shit out of other people because they want to and they can, that's just fine as long as it's progressives wailing the shit out of people.
And just what is this "we" shit? You mean me, don't you?
I mean me. I'm primus inter pares among progressives.
But Comrade Vlad, there is nothing more truly progressive than referring to oneself in the third person, as all royalty should. It's not like anybody other than the less equal proles would have thought The Obamessiah meant otherwise!
Dr., I do recognize the medical we, the regal we, and the editorial we. Now I will accept that I sometimes use the editorial and the regal we. Bruno, to whom you referred, which jerked his attention away from a rhinestone he was playing with, only uses we when he has a gerbil in his pocket.
Dr., I do recognize the medical we, the regal we, and the editorial we. Now I will accept that I sometimes use the editorial and the regal we. Bruno, to whom you referred, which jerked his attention away from a rhinestone he was playing with, only uses we when he has a gerbil in his pocket.
Bruno is the product of a chemical experiment. He was born after some man got quite drunk before he went to a Liza Minelli concert that his wife dragged him to and he, in a fit of homosexual panic, decided to show her he was a a man instead of running for the hills.
And thus we have Bruno.
Or thus I have Bruno. You want Bruno? He comes with a trousseau. Meow's Hummels.
Where do I get my shiny satiny Smock of Collectivized Followerhood? My potato harvesting activities would be much more enhanced were I to sport a spiffy emblazoned smock while I worked.
Comrade Potato Harvester Red Kitty,
I hope those aren't Yukon Gold spuds you're using your People's Shovel™ to dig up! They will only dull it, leading to your forced transfer from Harvesting to Necroproxy duty, or if the venerable but equal Comrade Doctor Otis is bored, a visit to the Karl Marx Treatment Centre where you will be required to listen to Children Singing for Obama until you bleed from the ears and eyes, especially if they are removed.... Your People's Shovel™ may only be used to harvest Official Peoples Cube™ Red Potatoes (or the occasional ACORN), and miraculously, even when shipped one by one via fuel guzzling foreign-made SUVs, there is absolutely no carbon footprint associated with either their cultivation or transportation. The Obama has made it so, Gore be Praised!
Sister Massively Opiated
Kommissar of Housekeeping... Forever Mopping up the Carbon Footprints of those who would crush our Hope.
ps. We respectfully request that our over-enthusiastic Comrades stop tossing CHANGE in the Laika - Friend of Peoples Fountain™ in front of the the Karl Marx Treatment Centre. It is bunging up the filters. Just drop it off at the front desk to recieve a ration coupon for free shovel sharpening, and a recipe for scalloped potatoes made with ration coupons for free shovel sharpening.
Or thus I have Bruno. You want Bruno? He comes with a trousseau. Meow's Hummels.
Yes Comrades!
Take Bruno... Please...
Housekeeping is tired of having to dust those damn Hummels, and frankly, after that drunken insurgent, Blue Belle broke them last year, Meow attempted to repair them with Tester's model glue and between his sobbing and huffing the glue, put them back together in somewhat... um... er... well... decadent postures... and they frighten the housekeeping staff... as do his sheets...
Theocritus... may we include Meow's sheets in Bruno's trousseau as well?... I've given up trying to get the stains out of them and am sure they are quite ruined and he's already requisitioned new ones anyway...
Sister, of course we may include Meow's sheets in Bruno's trousseau. In fact Meow happens to be at the present wrapped up in them. And he will remain wrapped up in them until I loosen the knots which keep him wrapped up in them.
It's amazing how you and I, dear Sister, think so much alike. You in Canuckistan and I in the Soon-To-Be-People's Republic of Texas. Consanguinity? I have determined that Meow's carbon footprint will be much diminished if he breathes through stained sheets wrapped tightly around him.
But also, Sister, I think that we can go further in our exploration of what makes a carbon footprint.
By definition Party Members do not make carbon footprints. Carbon footprints are made by people that we don't like and we impute carbon footprints much as the people of Salem pointed a finger at Hester Prynn and made her wear a Scarlet A. For the reality is not the reality of the footprint but it is the reality of our desire for the footprint.
Does this sound like schizophrenia? It is not, I assure you. It is merely minding the store.
SMO, can I be your spousal unit? Please. Pretty please!
"Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is thewhole idea of this machine, you know.... the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simpleto understand... and completely credible and convincing."... "It would not be difficult, Mein Fuhrer. Nuclear reactors could... I'm sorry, Mr. President... nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. "
.. .. (snort.. snicker... )
..
.. um .. so... yeah... I guess if you want we could... y'know... like... uh huh...
Huh? What?..... ... nothing...
Sister Massively Opiated
("Mein Führer! I can walk!" Ow... motherfu.. freaking ketamine! MEOW!!!)
Sister, of course we may include Meow's sheets in Bruno's trousseau. In fact Meow happens to be at the present wrapped up in them. And he will remain wrapped up in them until I loosen the knots which keep him wrapped up in them.
It's amazing how you and I, dear Sister, think so much alike. You in Canuckistan and I in the Soon-To-Be-People's Republic of Texas. Consanguinity? I have determined that Meow's carbon footprint will be much diminished if he breathes through stained sheets wrapped tightly around him.
Ahhh... you found my Midori book! I thought Meow had lost it, the bastard... last time I front him anything...
ungh... do you know he's spiked his cognac with ketamine again... coulda warned me...
Sister, a nail gun? Is that not a little extreme? I would expect that of Pupovich, in one of his prolier-than-thou phases. After all, strong Soviet socialism, the triumph of the worker, the rule of the proletariat, and all that stuff. But you?
I'd have thought rather a Water Weasel filled with ammonia. Or ice picks disguised as hair combs.
Sister, of course we may include Meow's sheets in Bruno's trousseau. In fact Meow happens to be at the present wrapped up in them. And he will remain wrapped up in them until I loosen the knots which keep him wrapped up in them.
It's amazing how you and I, dear Sister, think so much alike. You in Canuckistan and I in the Soon-To-Be-People's Republic of Texas. Consanguinity? I have determined that Meow's carbon footprint will be much diminished if he breathes through stained sheets wrapped tightly around him.
Ahhh... you found my Midori book! I thought Meow had lost it, the bastard... last time I front him anything...
ungh... do you know he's spiked his cognac with ketamine again... coulda warned me...
Goin' to fal... lie down now
Sm
Damnit. And here I thought Midori was just a chartreuse colored alcoholic beverage. Thanks for shattering my innocenct little world, sister.
Despite our now obvious to me relatedness (How could I have failed to see it?... I am surprised at my own inattention, honestly)...you know, I'd always wondered what happened to the one the family mutters about as I am currently the oldest of all the cousins... so many stories... Gypsies... Cossacks... Magick beans... Baba Yaga...and all overheard as the Alters whispered around the kitchen table at night, drinking Crown Royal and eating schmaltz and greaven on black rye while playing infinite rounds of Penuchle and Cribbage, after we'd been all been put to bed in the back room of our sod hut on the Prairie, in the big bed... we grew up believing that old child's song "There Were Ten In the Bed and the Little One Said..." was about us... but I digress... I'd always wondered if it were true that there was one before me who had mysteriously disappeared. Where the freak have you been?!? Do you know how much cousin-sitting you owe me!
But anyway... we'll sort that out later... in the mean time... Yes.. nail guns... You know I have a sweet spot for power tools... radial arm saws... reciprocating saws... hammer drills... winches (No Meow!... NOT WENCHES!)... ANYTHING Dremel, especially if you can do dental work with it... tattoo guns... even just a good old Stanley, 16 oz. claw hammer - no cords attached... but someone has made off with my nail gun.... I suspect Betty as he has previously exhibited a proclivity for power staplers, but I cannot be sure... and no... I am not speaking metaphorically... I mean REAL power tools... Makita, Black and Decker, DeWalt... You know I am a complicated girl... dolphin... whatever... And a shop vac... one can never go amiss with a good shop vac... and a 300 psi home air compressor... and impact gun... and a big bathtub of sulfuric acid... but I digress...
And I'm not ashamed of it. I have no skeletons in my closet, mostly because they are either all dissolved or I've put them in Meow's closet (sometimes you just can't save a necroproxy but that's no reason not to take any opportunity to scare the shit of of Meow when he comes home from a bender... or just has a bender at home.... and then goes looking for his favourite smoking jacket. I consider it my duty to scare the living crap out of him as often and deeply as possible, seeing how often he does the same to all of us. It is the only way to keep his twisted psyche in check and frankly, you should all be thanking me... but I digress...
.... Though kudos on getting him all bound up in his sheets.... I told him that satin might be slippery but that it's hell to get unknotted, but...
How odd... It was, in fact, Chartreuse, that horrendous herbal alcoholic beverage, that had a hand in shattering my own little innocent world... I had a job at 15, busing tables in a restaurant/bar, the two of which were separated at the main entrance. Legally, I could bus tables in the restaurant but as it was 1980 in Regina - a time when you could be pulled over for having open beer in your car and only get a '56'... a $56 fine and the humiliation of having to pour your beer down the sewer while the police watched and then sent you on your way without even a breathalyzer test, or checking to see if you were old enough to drive (after all, Regina is very flat and the streets very straight) - if we got busy on the weekend, the managers were only too happy to switch us over to the bar.... and after closing, we would sit around with the bartenders who had committed themselves to finding a mixed drink that I would actually like (I had a slight aversion to almost any alcohol but beer by that point, having already been given what in retrospect must have been alcohol poisoning by way of my youngest aunt, who at less than two years older than me was quite a role model and all my friends being older anyway... so to this day even the smell of rum turns my stomach and it was years before I could go on a tequila bender again)... They went through iterations of almost anything and everything from root beer floats to god knows what and one of them was intensely Chartreuse... the only thing I can liken it to is the smell of Aqua Velva and may very well have contained aftershave, for all I know...
... inevitably they'd eventually just give up and get me stoned...
... which should explain quite a bit, really, if you think about it...
Sister, yes satin sheets are slippery. But do you think that I'd put Meow on satin sheets? Do you think that he'd know after he's given the kitchen wench half my roofies? But since he'd taken your ketamine, he wasn't in shape to be as agreeable to the kitchen wench as the kitchen wench was going to be agreeable to him, and so she smeared him with all the grease she's saved up out of the Fryolater and then we wrapped him up in sheets.
Well, sheets is perhaps to strong a word. Sailcloth is more like it. Yes, sailcloth. That's a good word for it.
And I had meant to tie him up with detonator cord but Bruno, that silly beast, got clothesline instead, and so we had a very greasy Meow tied up in rat-infested burlap the finest sailcloth.
And then because we'd all been trying to get him to the state that we could do that, and as you know Meow has a hollow leg, and another hole where a normal person would have a conscience, we passed out too.
Sister, yes satin sheets are slippery. But do you think that I'd put Meow on satin sheets? Do you think that he'd know after he's given the kitchen wench half my roofies? But since he'd taken your ketamine, he wasn't in shape to be as agreeable to the kitchen wench as the kitchen wench was going to be agreeable to him, and so she smeared him with all the grease she's saved up out of the Fryolater and then we wrapped him up in sheets.
Dear Theo,
The ketamine was all his... honest...
Commissar Theocritus wrote
And then because we'd all been trying to get him to the state that we could do that, and as you know Meow has a hollow leg, and another hole where a normal person would have a conscience, we passed out too.
I can only hope you woke before he did...
In any case, I'm off to the doc to get my chesteses checked... gots to make sure I'm getting rid of this bug and I'm never sure until it's good and gone. (NO MEOW... not that bug!... but I'll pick up your 'special cream' for you while I'm at the pharmacy... don't worry... it'll stop hurting when you pee soon and I'm sure the swelling is almost gone as long as you haven't been picking at it again, though no, I won't check for you.)
In the light of the historic eye-opening article of comrade Petrova I propose to beg The Savior of Russia Tzar Putin to graciously extend his iron fist warm fatherly care over our sorry land. The annexation must be swift and final. I suggest that it start in Alaska, where as an added bonus, comrade Petrova should replace the shameless proponent of capitalism Gov. Palin and become the permanent Red Commissar of Soviet Socialist Gulag of Alaska.
The Texas doctors will need to perform a surgery to attach Putin’s head to the body of our beloved Messiah. The transformation must be complete by Jan.20, 2009 to allow the forever thankful proletarians of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics of America (USSRA) to duly rejoice at the inauguration of the truly unique Two in One Leader.
Stavropol, a two-in-one leader? I thought that the Clintons had been vanquished to outer darkness by their being, well, the Clintons. But have you seen Putin with his shirt off? We may want to keep his body too. Unless there was Soviet-era photo retouching. Which is so much easier now in the days of PS.
Sister, by no means let Meow tell you that he itches down below. It's a ruse. Which he tries even on me.. Think about that. You'd never think it. But come to think of it, he did admit to waking up in Mao's coffin with an empty bottle of booze and a half-empty jar of pain-killers. Although I found out that they were my roofies, which I'd taken from our Many Titted Empress, and why in the name of Lenin Meow had given Mao roofies I'll never know.
This is bothersome, sister, very bothersome. I'm seeing a new side of Meow. And it's even more unattractive than the other ones. Which must beggar belief but there you have it.
Sister, a nail gun? Is that not a little extreme? I would expect that of Pupovich, in one of his prolier-than-thou phases. After all, strong Soviet socialism, the triumph of the worker, the rule of the proletariat, and all that stuff. But you?
I'd have thought rather a Water Weasel filled with ammonia. Or ice picks disguised as hair combs.
I'll take the Water Weasel. I've breathed in enough ammonia from my laboratory to make me immune to the stuff (mixed with some concentrated hydrogen peroxide, it's great for dissolving even some of the most stubborn residues). Hell, I even eat the raw skate that is served as a delicacy here in the DPRK. It really clears the sinuses!
Now sulfuric acid is something I have on hand, although I do have more nitric. Sure, sulfuric acid burns more and does faster tissue damage, but nitric acid prolongs the pain and suffering...
Dr. Strangelove, thank you for your suggestion about an ablution solution. I shall try it on the stakes at my next impaling. One the creosote-impregnated ones downwind of Rancho de Rio Grande, though, the ones that I intend to roast Rethglicans on so the smoke will surround the Bu$hitler's house when he returns to Texas. The ones upwind, however, will remain unsullied. Ché Gourmet suggested that they be black cherry wood for that true flavor that we all love.
When I think of roasted Rethuglican, those awful people who are so concentrated on the oppression of the progressive, who think that actions have consequences thereby cutting me out of the loop, my eyes fill with water, and not from the smoke but with tears of solidarity with the proletariat, or those washed ones that is. My insides burst into flame with pride, although it's not quite the same sort of flame that the staked Rethuglicans are feeling.
Dr., since you are such a stalwart party member, I issue you an invitation to Rancho de Rio Grande and as a special honor I'll schedule your visit when our Many Titted Empress is not here. Also when the Chosen One is not here for we are all about 2" shorter when he's here from having our heads walked on.
A dimethylmercury solution or hydrofluoric acid are better choices for eliminating the less desirables since only a few drops of either are needed and the damage isn't apparent until later. However, make sure not to mix any dimethylmercury-tainted meat into The PartyTM feedstock as it will have undesirable effects. Save it for the prolis as we wouldn't want anything to go to waste, and we can always drum up more votes by blaming it on environmental pollution from industrial waste runoff.
I would be greatly honored to attend the event at Rancho del Rio Grande. Having grown up in Arizona, I rather enjoy mesquite-smoked meat.
Sister, by no means let Meow tell you that he itches down below. It's a ruse. Which he tries even on me.. Think about that. You'd never think it. But come to think of it, he did admit to waking up in Mao's coffin with an empty bottle of booze and a half-empty jar of pain-killers. Although I found out that they were my roofies, which I'd taken from our Many Titted Empress, and why in the name of Lenin Meow had given Mao roofies I'll never know.
No Worries Comrade Cousin,
He'd never try that shit on me. Housekeeping washes his undies, and the last time he got out of line, we went out and got those stickymouse traps and... well... no worries...
Commissar Theocritus wrote
This is bothersome, sister, very bothersome. I'm seeing a new side of Meow. And it's even more unattractive than the other ones. Which must beggar belief but there you have it.
And yet we still love him... so what does that say about us, Theo... what does it say about us?
And yet we still love him... so what does that say about us, Theo... what does it say about us?
Dr., Sister and I go way back and are very tolerant. Because Meow has a stronger head than either of us and a high pain threshold too, and we have not yet gotten those Swiss bank account numbers.
Once we thought that we had them, and flew to Switzerland hoping to get our rookers on all that lovely lolly and found that they were instead the well-known telephone number of a local phone-sex line. It's hard to tell in Switzerland, even with the Swiss. You know, that's what they say. In heaven the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the police English, the lovers Italian, and the Swiss run everything.
In hell, the cooks are English, the mechanics French, the police German, the lovers Swiss, and the Italians run everything.
In the Progressive World of Next Tuesday, the cooks will be FDA-inspected lunch ladies with hairnets, the mechanics will be assembly-line workers on the AMC Gremlin, the police will be headed by Janet Reno, the lovers will be encased in full-body condoms, and ACORN will run everything.
And yet we still love him... so what does that say about us, Theo... what does it say about us?
Dr., Sister and I go way back and are very tolerant. Because Meow has a stronger head than either of us and a high pain threshold too, and we have not yet gotten those Swiss bank account numbers.
See! Yet another use for the nail gun... a nail gun will never go amiss. He does have lovely fingernails though, doesn't he Theocritus?... I've saved them all in a little jar... so well manicured.
Which reminds me... is Bruno available for a pedicure?... for me... not for Bruno...
And yet we still love him... so what does that say about us, Theo... what does it say about us?
Dr., Sister and I go way back and are very tolerant. Because Meow has a stronger head than either of us and a high pain threshold too, and we have not yet gotten those Swiss bank account numbers.
See! Yet another use for the nail gun... a nail gun will never go amiss.
She does have a good point (pun intended), Comrade Vlad.
Doctor, I see that you have found the X-ray from the Reeves County Hospital from the time that Bruno was complaining of head ache. Once Bruno came in and complained to me that Juan, the plantation manager, had threatened to lobotomize him. He blubbered and blubbered and said, through the tears, "Theocritus, what's a lobotomy?"
"Don't worry, Bruno. You have no prefrontal lobes. You're nothing but a walking id in platform shoes with a fruitstand on your hand. Nothing and no one could lobotomize you any more than you could be given a hysterectomy. Which might, on balance, not be a bad idea..."
Sister, Bruno will be very happy to give you a mani/pedi any time that you want. But remember that he was there when we extracted Meow's fingernails gave Meow that manicure that he so desired, and although he's as dim as a 1968 Monsanto LED, he did remember that. Something in his little brain--no prefrontal lobes, you know--always remembers self-adornment.
And, Doctor, when I mentioned that we'd have a chemist come to stay with us at the Rancho, Bruno got very excited and jumped up and down and clapped his hands, which is not a pretty sight. "A chemist! I need someone to tell me what to add to Maybelline to get Clinique. And maybe he can get off that tattoo that I had..."
"Bruno, you know that I told you that you didn't need to have your eyebrows tattooed over in that parlor in Cuńa. It's not my fault that you look like a fruit stand riding a fruit bat."
Just why did you two start talking about dogs named Duncan and Lady McBeth? Bruno has now taken to walking around the house in his, or on his, platform shoes, singing, "Maybe this time...I can make it...maybe this time I'll win..." and then oddly enough segueing into
"Maybelline, she is all they claim
With her eyes of night and lips as bright as flame
Maybelline, when she dances by, senoritas stare and caballeros sigh
And I've seen toasts to Maybelline"
Which sounds really strange coming out in Sinatra's voice.
It's just when he sits on that chair under a spotlight, wearing a bowler hat that I realize that he was not born of woman. He was born of Liza Minelli. And perhaps those birch woods be come to Dunsinane if I have to carry the goddamned spikes there on my own aching back.
Publius, I am not smoking. I live in a miasma of insanity which emanates in waves from Bruno. I keep trying to give him away. Once I took him to Needless Markup in Dallas with $500 in cash and said I'd be back in two hours. Instantly I hurried back to the Ranch. Since he can't find his way out of anything, except of course a closet, I figured I'd be safe, with him stalking the aisles of Needless Markup until the ghost of Stanley Marcus came back and kicked him out onto Commerce Street.
But he beat me home. He's a homing queen. That's the worst sort.
And the reason that I'm massively pissed at Meow is that he promised to relieve me of Bruno, and took my money, and slipped me five of my own Loretabs, and while I was out, very out, took off with my Lalique, the money, and Bruno was still there.
Oh, Meow will pay. He'll pay. And since that time my only solace is very bad parodiorthosis.
Publius is new, no?... He doesn't know our little family... Does he understand Meow's pathological decadence?... Or how The Dead Red Queen has saddled you with Bruno?... Or that I'm a navy-trained cetacean escapee of Katrina, now making a living in the Saint Lawrence with my pod?... clearly not... Nor does he know that I'm a morphine addict, that you do a booming trade in diazepenes of various types (mostly to keep Bruno calm... it might help if you explained that rather than vintage, scarfing Valium with his Rob Roys is really just cheesily passé, but then, on second thought, it'd probably just trigger a crying jag... never mind...)... and that Meow will profiteer in almost any situation, which is often his downfall because he tends to sample his own wares a little too often, as well as bogarting everyone else's...
Simply knowing that Meow spikes his cognac with ketamine might explain the whole thing...
I'm not sure our explaining our various roles within the party would necessarily help, except to say that much of my own pain is driven by having to perpetually clean up after Meowsevitch and get him out of whatever scrape he's gotten himself into, and that your role as Director of Unanimous Caring, Compassion, Backstabbing and Impaling for the Common Good™ (formerly Conspicuous Caring, &tc. &tc.) and my duties as Kommissar of Housekeeping, Disappearances, Composting, Dissection & Limo Services often overlap...
Or we could just get him stoned on Meow's cognac, and have a Limo pick him up and drop him off at your place so that Bruno could style his hair... As it's Friday, it's your pick... Just let me know, though personally, I don't like that 'citizens' remark...
The term "citizen" predates the term "comrade" by several thousand years. Check your Greek and/or Roman history. You will see that I am no revolutionary, "Johnny come lately!" I refuse to change my vocabulary just to be trendy! If I have offended you, then I am pleased, very pleased!
Dispatching a Limo as we speak, and just when I had no necroproxies to process...
Publius, we do not use 'comrade' or our titles to be 'trendy'... trend implied impermanence and the rightness of our Kollektive is unquestionable and unchanging. We take our orders from our Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid Leader, Red Square. This is no demokracy... we are mindless drones driven by fear. Memes at best... We have been indoktrinated into an understanding of ancient history (was only just discussing Hattusas with Theo), and we know that the mirage of quasi-demokracy represented by the Roman hegemony (Pax my ass) was valuable only for whatever forced homogeneity (such that it was... financial and legal, if not kultural) it managed to instill in its 'citizens', and for its publik works...
Here at the Cube we 'encourage' homogeneity and publik works without the annoyance of kultural diversity and individualism (except where it is required for political correctness)... We are The Peoples Cube... You are a citizen... an individual... it is anathema... we must crush your spirit...
Sister, I just had some dealings with Wells Fargo's home-mortgage division and I'm quite sure that one of the people I was dealing with there is turned on in the morning by her computer and not the other way around. I suspect from her work that her monitor is on a bungee cord so that her swiveling eyes can follow it.
Therefore, ergo, and that is why I think that Publius may need a little education, which we so specialize in. Or you specialise in. Or Bruno just stares vacantly at.
I think that the hair-styling would be very appropriate.
Sister, I had a thought. We could arrange various stages of punishment for misbehaving party members.
For a minor infraction, having to dig an extra day or so in the beet and potato fields. This is for say not spitting after saying the name "Bush."
For a worse sin, having Bruno do your hair. This would be for watching Faux News.
Next up would be giving a pedicure to Our Many Titted Empress. This is for a horrible infraction, such as not spreading Socialism as much as possible, leaving money in someone else's bank account, or not groveling to me.
Sister, I just had some dealings with Wells Fargo's home-mortgage division and I'm quite sure that one of the people I was dealing with there is turned on in the morning by her computer and not the other way around. I suspect from her work that her monitor is on a bungee cord so that her swiveling eyes can follow it.
Therefore, ergo, and that is why I think that Publius may need a little education, which we so specialize in. Or you specialise in. Or Bruno just stares vacantly at.
I think that the hair-styling would be very appropriate.
Sister, I had a thought. We could arrange various stages of punishment for misbehaving party members.
For a minor infraction, having to dig an extra day or so in the beet and potato fields. This is for say not spitting after saying the name "Bush."
For a worse sin, having Bruno do your hair. This would be for watching Faux News.
Next up would be giving a pedicure to Our Many Titted Empress. This is for a horrible infraction, such as not spreading Socialism as much as possible, leaving money in someone else's bank account, or not groveling to me.
Or Sister.
um I didn't know there were any more "extra" days available....24/7/365 not enough??? we need The Chosen One to create an extra weekday...hmmm what to name it....Barakday? A day set aside completely for Toiling In His Name
What about another month? July is after Julius Caesar; August after Augustus. Which is why September (Latin septem, seven) is the 9th month. And so forth.
We can call Barack Month 0.
Or what an extra hour in a new clock. It can be 25 o'Barack.
The One already has a holiday to celebrate his birth, it is commonly called Christmas by the masses, but is more properly known as Obamas. I think a whole month to celebrate his existance would be a little too much. We must remember that Stalin, the father, settled for having a city named in his honor!
... a nail gun will never go amiss. He does have lovely fingernails though, doesn't he Theocritus?... I've saved them all in a little jar... so well manicured.
My god. How could I have missed this? The crucial nail-polish-blogging demographic.
And all that time I thought that people might, quite by mistake, think that the McCain's time in a prison camp meant something. And all the time it was nail-polish blogging.
The funny thing is... Those are Meow's nails... Red was being absolutely serious.... Poor Meow.
And yes, The Comrade Private Pravda formerly known at Prin.. as Field Marshall... I shall always have your back, just as I shall always have Meow's nails (and shortly, those bank account numbers... he is weakening... every afternoon he begins to sob and mummble, "Victor... Victor..."... he's clearly going through The Young and the Restless withdrawal... heheheheheh... Hahahah.... HAHAHAH... Theo! We have him!... I've told him that if he's good, I'll let him see all the episodes he's missed since we borrowed him, on the Tivo... a ruse, as I only record Animal Planet shows, but one he will not find out about until he cracks, and he is close... Poor Meow... )... but I digress...
Sorry.... Pravda... you will always be Field Marshal S.A.F. to me and I have carefully maintained you service weapon for when you return... which reminds me... I will shortly have some fotos of a recent kitting out and training session that Aki underwent on some of the new armaments... he accidentally shot a Canadian Coast Guard human, but it is of no consequence... they hadn't accurately calibrated his flipper-eye controls, and although he was slightly embarrassed, we gave him some extra Vodka rations and all's well that ends well... also, we've finally managed to instill in him the understanding that he must allow the soft humans to clear the firing range before he begins target practice and that they are not meant to be shot... He really is growing up so fast. He melon-butted a police diver the other day... such a mischievous calf... ahhh...
Oh!... and we hit a Russian submarine... there was some garbage on the news about them having a fire or some such rubbish, but that was our Aki... those self-adhering mines were a wonderful find... I will have to thank our Pointy Red Foxy friend when he next comes to demonstrate his wares... That will show Putin that he cannot lend his subs to help protect the Japanese whaling fleet and not feel our wrath! Booyah!
Okay... off to chase some herring... mmmm.... herring... and then play with Meow some more... though I've tried to teach the boys not to play with their food, but you know young dolphins... Poor Meow...
Dear Sister, when I hear you say "Poor Meow" it sends shivers up and down my spine, which as you know is not that much good. I have infinite brass check and even a good brass neck but not that much spine. But I am never slow to slug someone when I can get away with it, making me the perfect warrior for the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.
"Poor Meow." You are never more frightening than when you play at being compassionate. We all know the value of compassion in these circles--nice guys finish last and I spell last as d-e-a-d. But it's good press. Why once I sent a tape of you being compassionate to Al Franken and he soiled himself wondering if he could ever step into your shoes, or what passes for shoes under the waves.
But do you think you're up to Rahm Emanuel? I'm told that he pulls his own teeth.
I just love this comment left on subject blog by someone named Pinky (no relation):
Quote
The true brilliancy here was the fact that Obama’s campaign had a definitive slogan and a specific symbol. The Republicans lacked both which just showed how disorganized their campaign was.
HA! Substance is dead, comrades. DEAD! Those idiot Republicans will never figure out that all one needs to win an election is a catchy slogan, a snazzy logo, and a pretty face. THOSE are The Real Issues. Anything else is just a petty distraction, if not downright racist.
Of course, Pinkie, of course. "We are the ones we have been waiting for!"
I have always taken that to be the sign ultimate sexual liberation but in a purely onomastic sense, which when you think of it perfectly describes the Obama campaign.
And come to think of it, it perfectly describes the Obama campaign in an onanastic sense too.
Dear Sister, when I hear you say "Poor Meow" it sends shivers up and down my spine, which as you know is not that much good. I have infinite brass check and even a good brass neck but not that much spine. But I am never slow to slug someone when I can get away with it, making me the perfect warrior for the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.
"Poor Meow." You are never more frightening than when you play at being compassionate. We all know the value of compassion in these circles--nice guys finish last and I spell last as d-e-a-d. But it's good press. Why once I sent a tape of you being compassionate to Al Franken and he soiled himself wondering if he could ever step into your shoes, or what passes for shoes under the waves.
But do you think you're up to Rahm Emanuel? I'm told that he pulls his own teeth.
Twas more along the lines of A Room With A View's, "Pooooor Charlotte..."... We all know he will forever be getting into these scrapes because of who he is... Pity and compassion are to different things, Mein Director Thereof... both Conspicuous Compassion AND Impalement... One and the same, perhaps?
It's Bidness Comrades... Just Bidness.... I'm expecting to see a fifty foot tall Gap Poster featuring His O'ness in the latest everyman sweater and scarf for the holiday season... Everyone will have to have one, they'll sell out, people will 'scalp' them on EBay for thousands more than their worth... It's for the Children...
Pinkey,
P'raps Theo should be Direktor of Conspicuous Compassion and Consumption. He is truly a President for our times, this Obama...
Sister! Do you think that I have the makings for a Director of Consumption too? Well, if you think about it impalement is consumption but I rather expect that you meant another sort of consumption.
Or is that the consumption that Meow gets from time to time in the far east? Once he was here at Rancho de Rio Grande and woke up, after a particularly bad episode of huffing freon (which did not reveal those Swiss bank-account numbers) and Bruno had painted his toe-nails purple.
"Oh lord!," screamed Meow. "It's that goddamned Saigon clap again! Why don't they fix that? I've taken every pill and drug there is, and here my toenails are purple again! And I only rented that entire whorehouse one night. Just one night. Is that fair? I ask you, is that fair? Bill Clinton had the entire White House for eight years and I get the purple-toed clap after only one night in the best whorehouse in Saigon!"
"Meow," I purred at him, "you better get in your order for drugs from Merck because after his O'ness ascends to the throne, there will be no more medical research in the world and your toenails will have to remain purple."
I did not, of course, tell him that it wasn't the clap but Maybelline (she's all they say) that was making his toenails purple. There is still hope about those Swiss bank-account numbers.
Sister, I think that's your preference for Red, which is our patriotic color of course. But I wonder if Meow isn't aiming to be affiliated with the Queen of Cream, Estee Lauder. Once time, quite in his cups, he confessed tearfully to me that he aspired to be Clinique material.
"Theocritus," he sobbed. "You know how I care. When I come here, why can't I have Clinique?"
"Meow, you know I love you like the brother I had until he decided he wanted to inherit equally from our parents, but face it. You're a janitor-in-a-drum comrade, and nothing more."
Never mind Russia. Putin is one of us! He has followed the Communist plan to a tee, and even had guys train Ayers (who trained Obama). And, now Obama is going to go after the chain dogs of capitalism in the USA, and turn the USA into the USSA. Rejoice, comrades!!!!!!!
Comrades! In an effort to help spread Obama Facts to the reactionary web-sites, that don't allow JavaScript in the postings (like the very useful LiveJournal), I made a little web-script of my own, which creates ready images on the server:
Should the Party find my contribution acceptable, I'll set it up on a couple of servers for redundancy and post a more reliable URL.
Comrades,
I am sure that you know that the brainwashing proper party education begains in eary grade school where the kids even hold mock elections. Based on the large number of "teachers for Obama" stickers on cars in my kids' school parking lot, I knew that my offspring were being well educated. Oh! How proud I was when my oldest said she "voted" for the Obamessiah! Then my kindergardener said he voted for McCain..... I like to let my children teach eachother.
Farmworker, I think that the child who voted for McCain needs to be sent to another reeducation camp kindergarten. Although young, it is never too early to begin their teaching. "Give me a child until he is five and he'll a bomb-throwing, radical Marxist forever"--Saul Alinsky.
Comrades,
I am sure that you know that the brainwashing proper party education begains in eary grade school where the kids even hold mock elections. Based on the large number of "teachers for Obama" stickers on cars in my kids' school parking lot, I knew that my offspring were being well educated. Oh! How proud I was when my oldest said she "voted" for the Obamessiah! Then my kindergardener said he voted for McCain..... I like to let my children teach eachother.
Indeed, comrade, let the one with the biggest shovel win (that's a pretty nice shovel, too - much better than mine which is shorter, blunt, and gives me splinters when I try to break rocks with it).
Is this picture, then, emblematic of the election outcome? As in
McCain supporter: I'm up to my neck in this crap!
Obama supporter: We will bury you! (pounds shoe on nearby bench and goes to take drink of Sunny-D)
Sister, I just had some dealings with Wells Fargo's home-mortgage division and I'm quite sure that one of the people I was dealing with there is turned on in the morning by her computer and not the other way around. I suspect from her work that her monitor is on a bungee cord so that her swiveling eyes can follow it.
Therefore, ergo, and that is why I think that Publius may need a little education, which we so specialize in. Or you specialise in. Or Bruno just stares vacantly at.
I think that the hair-styling would be very appropriate.
Sister, I had a thought. We could arrange various stages of punishment for misbehaving party members.
For a minor infraction, having to dig an extra day or so in the beet and potato fields. This is for say not spitting after saying the name "Bush."
For a worse sin, having Bruno do your hair. This would be for watching Faux News.
Next up would be giving a pedicure to Our Many Titted Empress. This is for a horrible infraction, such as not spreading Socialism as much as possible, leaving money in someone else's bank account, or not groveling to me.
Or Sister.
And, as Betty will tell you, The PartyTM's most severe punishment, significantly worse than the second most severe punishment: Reassignment to The Party Necroproxy CorpsTM, is assisting Madam Speaker with her monthly enema.
Dr., you can if you wish consider that the Party's worst punishment is assisting Madam Speaker with her monthly enema. Or you can look at it as a chance to get the bits and pieces of the egesta to the Democratic steering committee.
Where they will be made use of. And the other bits can go to Frank Murtha for his pleasure.
Sister, I just had some dealings with Wells Fargo's home-mortgage division and I'm quite sure that one of the people I was dealing with there is turned on in the morning by her computer and not the other way around. I suspect from her work that her monitor is on a bungee cord so that her swiveling eyes can follow it.
Therefore, ergo, and that is why I think that Publius may need a little education, which we so specialize in. Or you specialise in. Or Bruno just stares vacantly at.
I think that the hair-styling would be very appropriate.
Sister, I had a thought. We could arrange various stages of punishment for misbehaving party members.
For a minor infraction, having to dig an extra day or so in the beet and potato fields. This is for say not spitting after saying the name "Bush."
For a worse sin, having Bruno do your hair. This would be for watching Faux News.
Next up would be giving a pedicure to Our Many Titted Empress. This is for a horrible infraction, such as not spreading Socialism as much as possible, leaving money in someone else's bank account, or not groveling to me.
Or Sister.
I have a belt sander! It'll get the job done in about 20 minutes.
However, I regret to tell you that an acetylene torch would not remove these nails, bunions, and calluses. But it would soften them up quite nicely prior to employing the belt sander!
Zampolit, I understand your idea. Do you think that we could use the chemical experience of Dr. Strangelove for some sort of chemical regent in lieu of a softening cream? Before the torch before the belt sander. After all, the sinning prole must be punished but we don't want to kill them all. Someone must work.
A long soak in SMO's sulfuric acid bath might do the trick or, better yet, we can mix a little concentrated hydrogen peroxide into the concentrated H2SO4 for a piranha etch solution bath! It just might soften things up a bit after a 3-hour soak. If that doesn't work, there's always ion-milling or laser ablation.
Once again, I must nominate Betty for the job of cleaning out the rancid puss and toe jam from beneath the MTE's toenails (with his teeth). I'm sure we can find some crime to convict him of. All in favor say, "Da!"
Dr. Strangelove, you do know that our MTE doesn't have toenails. She has trotters. You cannot believe the difficulty she has in getting shoes which do not show off her trotters but make them look like feet.
Once, here at the Rancho, she was drunk (surprise! surprise!) and started musing, "Theocritus, baby"--here I projectile vomited; it was so bad that I reached for Bruno, god help me--"I'd give anything to have trotters like Petunia Pig. I mean that's one hot sow. And Porky will do anything for her, you know. I wish that Bill would do things like that for me."
"Maybe he would if you'd shine up my trotters like Petunia's."
Then she wiggled her trotters at me, with the chipped bits all flailing about, slinging the detritus all over the walls, and grunted, her eyes narrowed in pleasure in anticipation of a good trottercure.
I turned five shades of white but then she passed out.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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SPONSORED BY:
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Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
