Comrades from all over the world are converging. Young, old, dead, plant, pets, oatmeal and just everyone and everything in between is ready, willing and now registered to hand Senator Obama -- OUR SAVIOR -- a solid and decisive VICTORY!
Comrades, inform us, the Inner Party, of your experience today voting. Let us know how things are going. Spread the wealth as in how your day was at the polls and what you are seeing in your respective states.
We are the ones we have been waiting for. And today… WE STEAL THE ELECTION!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We are surging into Socialism and won't stop till every dead voter is counted -THRICE!
Our Savior who is Barack
Thy middle name is Hussein
Thy Welfare come
Confiscate all guns
And Spreading the wealth is heaven
Taketh away our daily bread
And giveth to those who tresspass against work
Lead us not into prosperity
For all earnings are evil
For thine is the pollsters, the media, and Hollywood.
Forever and ever
O-men.
Now take the day off.
Vote early.
Vote often.
And don't forget the Molotov cocktails for tonight's celebration!
What's a Party™ without a little broken glass, looting, burning cars..etc?
The crybabies at townhall.com are already whining about our dear leaders fairness at the polls in Philly. Have the right wingers no shame?!?!?
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
A Repeat of 2004 Philly Voter Chaos, Fraud
Posted by: Amanda Carpenter at 7:46 AM
GOP Election Board members have been tossed out of polling stations in at least half a dozen polling stations in Philadelphia because of their party status.
A Pennsylvania judge previously ruled that court-appointed poll watchers could be NOT removed from their boards by an on-site election judge, but that is exactly what is happening.
It is the duty of election board workers to monitor and guard the integrity of the voting process.
Denying access to the minority (in this case Republican) poll watchers and inspectors is a violation of Pennsylvania state law. Those who violate the law can be punished with a misdemeanor and subjected to a fine of $1,000 and sent to prison between one month and two years.
Those on site are describing the situation as "pandemonium" and there may be video coming of the chaos.
Some of the precincts where Republicans have been removed are: the 44th Ward, 12th and 13th divisions; 6th Ward, 12th division; 32nd Ward, Division 28.
“Election board officials guard the legitimacy of the election process and the idea that Republicans are being intimidated and banned for partisan purposes does not allow for an honest and open election process,” said McCain-Palin spokesman Ben Porritt in a statement to Townhall.
The City of Brotherly Love was roiled in controversy during the 2004 election because of rigged voting machines that showed nearly 2,000 votes for Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry before the polls had opened. A man also used a gun to intimidate poll workers at Ward 30, division 11 in 2004.
Glorious strides are being made here in Pennsylvania!
Our listening post in Pittsburgh intercepted an enemy transmission coming from a Bitter Clinger known as Jim Quinn that another Bitter Clinger overheard a Party Commissar giving voting instructions to a Young Pioneer:
"Vote very slowly. See all those people standing behind you, they're Republicans, and they have to go to work."
This Mt. Lebanongrad Commissar is to be complimented on political instruction, but please make sure all Commissars WHISPER these instructions as not to be overheard.
The enemy doesn't necessarily need to know our battle plans!
Comrades I report to you today for the Peoples Collective of Suwanee located in the Peoples Republik of Goergia. Glorious news. The district Commissars are passing out pre filled out ballots. All one need do is to make his mark on it and drop it in the ballot box.
There have been a few trouble makers, but they were quickly quelled by the marvelous peoples police dogs. Victory is at hand comrades.
I shall drink heavily from the vodka bottle tonight.
Reporting from Collective of Smyrna Georgia, not far from aforementioned Suwanee Collective. Similar news, many shovels. We rejoice, as it appears that our once reliably red Collective of Georgia may now turn blue.
-off-
Surprised I didn't get arrested in line for having a shirt with a hammer and sickle, after watching ridiculously left leaning news coverage of someone with an Obama shirt being removed from line for violating state anti-campaigning laws at a polling place.
I am sad to report that the evil redneck state of Al'obama will not vote for our Savior! Two weeks ago, I personally flew on the great People's Jet there to see the disaster for myself.. I arrived this morning. But on the brighter side, when Lord Obama wins, I think we have found a location for our new gulags.. Those greedy kapitalists have ruffled my fur for the last time.. Obama will take care of them..
What is the deal in Philly? Doesn't the right wing propaganda tool Faux News not realize the election has been decided in advance. Why do the republikkkans even bother to vote? Soon those nightsticks will be applied in the proper method.
I have trekked to the breakaway republic known as Staten Island and have observed not so many voters for the One, but i am sure they are hiding their intentions, to avoid the voter police like in Philly, and will, when as close the booth curtains, become suddenly and ardently enraptured by the One and vote for him (though isn't the One truly above such issues as gender, sweetie).
As a good standing member of the Party i voted as often as i could.
Raining in SC and here in NC. Good rain for cotton fields I passed. No happy workers in fields though. Glorious One has given them the day off. (please....not a racist comment......we really do have cotton fields down here)
Past 3 graveyards. No fresh, open graves. Guess no need to bother the dead. NC & SC already in the bag.
Peoples going in to polling places. No lines. Peoples seem serious though. Must be the rain.
Petrol only $2.34
Note to Party members in Philly:
Cool it...Not yet brothers and sisters.....We're sooooo close!
Here in Michigan, I arrived at my polling place at 6:45 AM. Due to the long line, it took me an hour to vote. I was thankful though, as this was good practice for waiting in the upcoming bread lines when the Anointed One is officially anointed.
Reporting from Collective of Smyrna Georgia, not far from aforementioned Suwanee Collective. Similar news, many shovels. We rejoice, as it appears that our once reliably red Collective of Georgia may now turn blue.
-off-
Surprised I didn't get arrested in line for having a shirt with a hammer and sickle, after watching ridiculously left leaning news coverage of someone with an Obama shirt being removed from line for violating state anti-campaigning laws at a polling place.
Small world, Comrade! I cast my ballots in the Kennesaw Gulag, located only minutes away from the Smyrna and Suwanne Collectives. Now we must hope for the impending change. Georgia is key for the Great One's plan to gain full, Oligarchic control!
Here in the mid-Atlantic seaboard, all is going better than expected.
I personally had the high honor of ladling out the ObaMessiah™ KoolAde to true believers at all 31 district polling stations here --- each of which I voted at, thanks to my ACORN "Vote Early, Vote Often" card.
To all those BusHitler miscreants who cried foul, claiming that only citizens should be able to vote, and to only vote once, in their assigned district, I cried out that magic word that cows all such reactionary capitalist tools into immediate submission: "RACIST!!!" And of course, ObaMessiah™-worshipping tools in the MSM swarmed these dissidents, shoved microphones and cameras in their faces, and demanded to know the date of their last cross-burning, and whether or not they had their KKK membership cards on hand. My fellow comrades and comradettes, it was truly glorious!!!
As you've probably seen, in Pennsylvania, our black comrades took matters into their own hands, harassing and threatening any Republican stooges who attempted to examine voting rolls, to confirm whether or not illegal aliens, dead people, cartoon characters and other classes whom America has been victimizing and discriminating against, were registered to vote. And the MSM slavishly ignored it all, while focusing on whether or not Bristol Palin's menstrual cycles are regular or not.
Comrades (and comradettes), we are on the cusp of a glorious, progressive revolution, and the final subversion of the U.S. Constitution. We are about to elect America's first Marxist president, and better still, anyone who criticizes him, or in any way exposes the danger he presents to freedom, will be intimidated into glorious silence by our friends in the MSM.
On this joyous occasion, I am about to break the shackles of my evil capitalist enslaver and go vote for the glorious future of the United Soviet States of Amerika, the paradise that the Obamessiah has promised to deliver to all of us tomorrow. Already, I have heard of "computer problems" here in the People's Socialist Republic of Fairtax County, VA. WELL DONE, ACORN!!! There is no doubt that The Anointed One, The Obamessiah, will easily take The People's Commonwealth of Virginia.
There are 2 people we need to thank that made The Obamessiah's victory possible here in the PCVA. First, I want to thank myself. For coordinating ACORN's "Get The Necro Proxies Out To Vote" drive. And for getting my young brownshirt students to the polling places to ensure that the proles cast the "correct" vote. And secondly to Comrade Chairman Meowsevich S. Punchenko and his outstanding blackmail and strong armed robbery fundraising efforts. Chairman Meow serves as an inspiration to all Young Pioneers who work diligently for his Socialist dream of free scotch and miscellaneous hallucinogenic chemicals. Salute, Comrade Chairman!!!
Attention proles: Each of you will be expected to have memorized the lyrics and melody of the Obama Anthem, which will, of course, replace that war-mongering "Star Spangled Banner" anthem so despised by The One's brilliant political mentors, Bomber-Bill Ayers, Rev. White Ain't Wright, Father Pfreedom-Pflogger Pflager, Frank "Rainy Day" Raines, Jumpin' Jim Johnson, Barney Notso Frank, Harry Kari Reid, Nancy Palooza, and more.
Keith Overbite-
A small world indeed. The Kennesaw Gulag is where I report daily for shoveling!
A bit more news from the Deep South region, as a federal judge has smote the Chosen One by upholding the evil voter ID law here. Thus accordingly I did pass a few polling places with lines that contained several incarnations of the great Mickey Mouse, as the dead have yet to walk here. It's rumored that glorious Party officials are already en route to said judge's residence to purge him.
In a sign of things to come during the reign of Glorious Leader, his minions where in full force annoying oppressed voters to cast a vote for the Vanguard party. One rogue republikkkan is reported to have informed the authorities because they are "violating Ohio's electioneering laws." Hopefully the New Black Panther Party will be in immediately to address the situation.
Happy to report that here in the deep, damned redneck south, I saw many known Progressives at the polls this morning. (I should mentioned however, that this is the precinct where many professors from nearby Big State U. live.) Sadly, I'm sure that my wretched state will remain "red" in the currently misapplied vernacular but soon the entire country will be freed of this menace of RethugliKKKan-KKKonservatism and the outdated, disproven concept of individualism.
Red November arrives today, Comrades! The Glorious dawn of the Utopian Socialist State of America is soon to follow!
Keith Overbite-
A small world indeed. The Kennesaw Gulag is where I report daily for shoveling!
A bit more news from the Deep South region, as a federal judge has smote the Chosen One by upholding the evil voter ID law here. Thus accordingly I did pass a few polling places with lines that contained several incarnations of the great Mickey Mouse, as the dead have yet to walk here. It's rumored that glorious Party officials are already en route to said judge's residence to purge him.
A very small world,
I myself am asigned to the Covington gulag on the eastern front of the lessor Atlanta metro area. Yes. Tt is true that redneck and racist propaganda like "Dukes of Hazard" and "In the Heat of the Night" have been made here. (The old party secretary here was weak and constantly drunk. Now he is organizing the necro vote....personally!) But I digress.
With the sub-prime housing scam program in full effect in the Newton Protectorate, many, many Obatons have aquired housing and can now vote and make a difference. They're vote was wasted afterall, in the protectorates like DeKalb and Fulton, where Obamatons are very numerous and uppity.
"Red November arrives today, Comrades! The Glorious dawn of the Utopian Socialist State of America is soon to follow!" [Color emphasis added by yours truly]
Commissar M, your visage appears to indicate you're too young to remember that in virtually all color-television broadcasts of election coverage before the Year 2000 when BushHitler stole the election from yours truly, Gorbels Cube, the broadcast networks used the color blue to denote states declared for Republican and red for states declared for Democrats.
Perceiving this habit as one that unfairely (though accurately, of course) associated our gloriously progressive party with the collectivist agenda, our dutiful followers in the broadcast media collectively agreed in 2000 that the color blue would be used to denote Democratic victories and with red for Republican victories. Virtually no one in the Amerian electorate noticed this subliminal message that our party was "true blue" rather than collectivist in its agenda. This gave cover for expansion of our base to include those who previously had been suspicious of our true colors.
Amazingly, the Republicans accepted this change and began proudly calling themselves "Red Staters." (Remember, Lenin assured us the capitalists would furnish the rope for their own hanging.) Of course, this will make it far earier for them to accomodate themselves to our victory today-- especially now that you have "let the cat out of the bag" by officially admitting that our goal is for a a collectivist "Red November." The only question left is whether Chairman Obama, when he confronts his first international crisis, will ask for "One Ping Only," or will instead ask "What is a 'ping'?"
My greatest due respects to Gorbels Cube, but wasn't it in fact the great Stalin that said the Capitalists would sell him the rope he'd hang them with?
My greatest due respects to Gorbels Cube, but wasn't it in fact the great Stalin that said the Capitalists would sell him the rope he'd hang them with?
Sorry, KonvertedKomrade, I was there by Lenin's side. He called me to his side because he had learned that I had invented the rope with which capitalism could be hung. Of course, I had to go into hiding for many years until it was safe for me to emerge (still appearing youthful courtesy of Botox) and to re-name the rope "Global Warming," which I invented in the high-tech laboratories deep inside Gorbels Cube, where I also invented the GAIA HAT to protect Mother Earth from being made "too hot" by callous men.
I have been listening to the glorious news on NPR. REJOICE!! They have interviewed only voters for THE ONE, so it follows, only THE ONE is getting the votes!
Reporting from Ohio, where our loyal party leaders have been busy for weeks bending over backwards for ACORN. I was outraged to see that McKKKain was at the top of the ballot!!!! The One was like fifth on the ballot! Never mind they were listed in alphabetical order. I believe this is an apparent attempt by right wingers to make change hungry voters look hard for The One. If the ballots need to be in alphabetical order, shouldn't it be logical to put Obama first, because in his past life his last name began with a C(hrist).
Have discovered fine site paying homage to The One. Peace, Comrades!
Ah! My Fellow Enlighteneds! I am loath to report that in that Capitalist Pig Capital, St. Louis, Missouri's Western (spit!) suburbs, the masses have turned out to vote in droves. Eager to hang on to their ill-gotten filthy lucre, they have even bussed their mothers and fathers to be available for the head count. And, they're ALIVE!!! Never have I seen such selfishness! They should be busing their poor, oppressed, overworked, illegal immigrant maids and gardeners to vote! As the New Regime Dawns, the roles will be reversed. They should learn to respect the people for whom they will be working!
I ask them if they are not eager to hand over their hard work for the Beautification of Kenya, Iran, The Southern Region of The Phillipines, specifically General Santos and Zamoanga City, North Korea and other fine regimes of the coming Savior, and they indicated that they, who have put in long hours and years should be able to spend their money as they see fit, including charities.
One pig-dog, who had run for office in Missouri (spit!, that red state!) confided to me that many of his fellow poll answerers had admitted they LIED about their support to The One! I have since dispatched the Commisar to his town and all LIARS have been lined up to be shot.
I spit at them in their capitalist pig wallowing! I am ready to join the new regime. Where's my shovel?
My brave Georgia Comrades, now is not the time to rest. We must keep the pressure on. I have been patrolling my collective and making sure that certain miscreants are unable to attend their appointed polling place. Sometimes their tires were mysteriously flattened, or the local authorities made a visit to their appointed working area. Perhaps their names were somehow purged from the approved rolls. For the glory of the "One" and Joe the Biden.
We are on the brink of shutting the Iron curtin on Amerikkka! Just last week I went back to Keiv to dig up my Grand parents so they could cast thier vote for the Obomessiah. I never thought the day would come that we would over take the captialist pigs of this racest nation. Soon we will all be equaly worthless. Money will have no value. There will be no need to work harded than the man or woman next to you. Now I can die happy so that I may vote from the grave!
"Red November arrives today, Comrades! The Glorious dawn of the Utopian Socialist State of America is soon to follow!" [Color emphasis added by yours truly]
Commissar M, your visage appears to indicate you're too young to remember that in virtually all color-television broadcasts of election coverage before the Year 2000 when BushHitler stole the election from yours truly, Gorbels Cube, the broadcast networks used the color blue to denote states declared for Republican and red for states declared for Democrats.
Perceiving this habit as one that unfairely (though accurately, of course) associated our gloriously progressive party with the collectivist agenda, our dutiful followers in the broadcast media collectively agreed in 2000 that the color blue would be used to denote Democratic victories and with red for Republican victories. Virtually no one in the Amerian electorate noticed this subliminal message that our party was "true blue" rather than collectivist in its agenda. This gave cover for expansion of our base to include those who previously had been suspicious of our true colors.
Amazingly, the Republicans accepted this change and began proudly calling themselves "Red Staters." (Remember, Lenin assured us the capitalists would furnish the rope for their own hanging.) Of course, this will make it far earier for them to accomodate themselves to our victory today-- especially now that you have "let the cat out of the bag" by officially admitting that our goal is for a a collectivist "Red November." The only question left is whether Chairman Obama, when he confronts his first international crisis, will ask for "One Ping Only," or will instead ask "What is a 'ping'?"
I ascribe my youthful visage to my intake of vodka and my stylin' aluminum foil ushanka.
I am old enough to remember a crushing Tuesday evening in early November, 28 years ago, when I had been "shooting hoops" with my next door neighbors in their back yard. My mother came around to the gate and (gleefully) informed us that our Glorious Progressive Future had come to a screeching halt. Yes, REAGAN had been declared winner of that year's political popularity contest. It still makes me sick to this day and I have looked forward to Red November and the rise of a new Socialist Messiah ever since.
I also recall the old days when different networks used either blue or red as those chose. I've been pointing out to various comrades for a number of years that I suspect this is because, at least in US military terms, the "red" forces are the bad guys while blue are the good guys. Also, I'm sure it wasn't lost on the mediacrats that assigning the color red to the DemocRats would be a source of jokes and derision from the hated rightwingnuts.
Here in the "swing" state of Kolorado, I knew something was amiss when I entered the voting booth. The names under the presidential column were scratched up, whited out, and corrected with a Sharpee. I was unsure how to cast my ballot. My choices were:
J--oe Biden
S--enator Obama
Barack Obama
Joe Biden
Chuck B--arry-O
Da--Commander in Chief
Bob Barr-y-O
W--illiam Ayers
and so forth. Were agents of The One busy during the night?
The Progressive Thought Police of Next TuesdayTM have been mobilized, Chairman, to ensure the liberty and right to vote of all who deserve to vote! We can now trust the integrity of the voting process this one last time that we will need it!
Glorious news from Colorado, polls show 52% of our comrades voted early and often! They say Co is a purple state right now, it will be purple once the nightsticks are properly applied! Our time is at hand comrades, I must go sharpen my shovel.
Pols were open at seven and happy to report most of the voting was ALREADY DONE. Only a handful of ObamaWannaBees buzzing around in our leftist paradise. Most of the voting took place by absentee and early voting, where it is reported voters stood in line for up to four hours! HAHA HA HA HAAA! We only waited in line for twenty mintes.
The Gallant Stone of Gall!
PS:
Spit on the grave of the Rand writer who penned a novel about Capitalist Pig Shrugging, but peoples of the world have been warned by the American Producers:
THEY ARE THREATENING TO GO JOHN GALT IF THE ONE IS ELECTED!
Actually, you just elected me. The name said Barack Obama but the actual person was I, AbecedariusRex, now elected the last king of Scotland. All those opposed, prepare to be eaten!
I am proud to report, I was within single digits at 7am and witnessed the proclamation of the polls opening.
Hear-Ye-Hear-Ye!
I had a tingle in my leg knowing I would be among the first to usher in the new revolution.
ALL where festive.
Many speaking of the number of years they had attended this very event, at this very location. Retired academia no doubt. (I live on campus MSU). None the less, it is obvious they know far more than I. So I submit. The One will surely distribute their success equally.
We did it, comrades!! We have turned this nation into a bunch of Hussies!
Our Lord and Saviour,BHO,has won!! Vive le Socialism!! Next Tuesday is now!!!
I can't see to write anymore,for the tears streaming from my eyes. A beautiful day,comrades,a beautiful day!!
Boy are we in for a fun four years. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my tummy.
At long last, we have finally thrown off the bonds of experience, integrity, and accountability, and we have erected a new state for a new world! THE USSA WILL USHER IN A NEW AGE OF FREEDOM AND PROSPERITY, THROUGH CENSORSHIP AND REDISTRIBUTION! Finally, we are free to see people's union ballots, punish them accordingly, and slaughter the unborn to our heart's content!
As always, comrades in the wonderful republik of Wisconsin have done their best to help the Messiah win, dahlinks! Laws of all sorts were discarded in the name of success. Most notably were those who wore campaign paraphenalia at the polling places or who had Obama pamphlets on hand on the polling tables. ACORN was prevelent in Wisconsin, resurrecting our dead and our invisible. Pollsters were discouraging the "right" voters from registering. And with the the help of our outstanding democratic governor and legislators, we require no identification when voting. Why I could have voted 4 times in 4 different precincts! Only my hairdresser knows for sure how many times I did vote, dahlinks. ;^) A new day is dawning. Victory has finally been achieved! I can't wait to see all the hard working Amerikans bend over tomorrow morning and kissing their @sses good-bye along with their wallets! Viva la Revolution!
Such a historic moment! Now, please, enlightened Party Members, point me to some Kulaks so I may off them in celebration. With my shovel, of course, as Guns Are Bad.
Back in the US... Back in the US... Back in the USSA.
Amazing to me that the Dems actually won seats! I've been saying for years that public opinion polls are less than worthless and this pretty much proves it. I recall Congressional approval ratings at one point not long ago hovering under 10% and I think the last time I checked, they'd "rebounded" all the way to 17%. "Hey, you've f***ed up so much the last two years, let's reward you with more seats in Congress!" Last I heard, William Jefferson in N.O. was still in the race. Because of Louisiana's open primary system, we may not know if he retains his seat until next month. Wanna bet that not only does he win the run off but that he'll run again in '10? This is what happens when your voters only care about party power and your media is nothing more than a mouthpiece for the DemocRats.
Keith Overbite-
A small world indeed. The Kennesaw Gulag is where I report daily for shoveling!
A bit more news from the Deep South region, as a federal judge has smote the Chosen One by upholding the evil voter ID law here. Thus accordingly I did pass a few polling places with lines that contained several incarnations of the great Mickey Mouse, as the dead have yet to walk here. It's rumored that glorious Party officials are already en route to said judge's residence to purge him.
A very small world,
I myself am asigned to the Covington gulag on the eastern front of the lessor Atlanta metro area. Yes. Tt is true that redneck and racist propaganda like "Dukes of Hazard" and "In the Heat of the Night" have been made here. (The old party secretary here was weak and constantly drunk. Now he is organizing the necro vote....personally!) But I digress.
To make it a tad smaller (I live in Florida), I work for the communicatons company with the big red checkmark. I get calls all day from ATL, Kennesaw, Smyrna, Covington, Hinesville, Statesboro, Savanah etc. etc. etc.
Even worse than just Congressional seats, they are getting many state legislature seats, too. Those are the bozos that re-draw the congressional districts and re-write state election laws/rules for future elections.
Even worse than just Congressional seats, they are getting many state legislature seats, too. Those are the bozos that re-draw the congressional districts and re-write state election laws/rules for future elections.
Oh yeah, there's that too. People that are consoling themselves with "Oh well, there's 2010" aren't thinking about how their congressional districts will be gerrymandered out of existence by then.
To be honest, I often wonder if those people giving Congress 9% approval rating even have a clue as to which party runs Congress. They clearly aren't aware of the Dems' role in the mortgage crisis and/or just don't give a crap. People have been so brainwashed in to accepting the idea of the president as overlord that they probably barely register what those boring old farts on C-SPAN are doing anyway.
I'm also interested to see how the whole cadre of fair weather Conservatives will react when it becomes apparent that Obama is a numbskull who will be driving the country right in to the dirt. How do people like Michael Smerconish reconcile their alleged core beliefs with voting for someone who represents none of them?
I would like to believe that at some point, the failures of the Obama administration (which are unavoidable, since no administration is perfect) will be too obvious to miss. I figure they've got a bit of time to blame everything on Bush but then what? Maybe voter's remorse? Or, if the media ass-licking party is any indication, will we hear how "The Beloved One Gloriously screws up"?
Though Japan is the land of the Rising Sun, AmeriKKKa is today the land of the Risen One.
AmeriKKKan comrades pondering travel abroad for pleasure, rush to Europe and Canada right now, for you have maybe 3 days before you are hated again. For foreign travel in general, you have until just after inauguration when your currency will soon be inflated to nothing, assuming anything remains after it's been "spread around."
I will celebrate the glorious, foretold victory of the Obamesiah by kayaking to the melting North Pole and save a polar bear or two. Reliable sources have told me that global temperatures have cooled several degrees just minutes after our Lord and master finished his victory speech.
I cannot wait to have my mind control chip finally activated so all my cares are taken over by the glorious USSA collective.
The name said Barack Obama but the actual person was I, AbecedariusRex, now elected the last king of Scotland.
What? You dare claim my title?
It is I, his Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography, who is the last king of Scotland!
You comrades, enjoy your new "workers' paradise!" Ha! ha! ha! Don't forget to turn in your guns! Ha! ha! and your website passwords!
Comrade Red Square, I am so sorry.... sorry that you came all this way to escape the ravages of Marxism only to see it take root here.
My good Comrade Marshal Pupovich-
Dittos for me too. But, please take solace in the fact that Comrade Red Square is assuredly better off here in the USA, and as long as we live and breathe, we will fight to save our country from the Marxist pigs! The reversal of Obama's good fortunes shall begin anew again, with the help of the CUBE and many other like-minded individuals. Take heart my proud canine! All is not lost!
Relax, my friend. I too, know the pain the Cube is experiencing today. It's not like we expected some miracle to happen. Unfortunately, we are stuck with him for at least four years, but take solace in the fact that he will make such a mess of the country by then, that we will be able to rebound, even stronger. It shouldn't take too long before Obama is tested. There is no way that he will pass. He's a wuss of the highest order. A real coward, and when Europe, Russia, China and the Middle East laugh in his face, his true colors will show- not red, white and blue - just yellow!
I must warn my Enlightened here that one must be hypervigilant and on the constant watch for Infidels/Capitalist pigdogs/Imperialists/Americans/ in the coming years. Especially the next two.
We must always be alert of any discontent in the masses as the stream of "misunderstood" promises are changed "for the greater good". If any dissention, or any disagreement with which fluid policies and goals are dispensed, we must stamp it out.
For that forsaken land, The USA, still has elections on its books which elects new senators every two years and The Enemy might elect more Capitalist representation unless something is done now!
I will humbly submit to The One that, instead of The Enemy be allowed to vote, that members of his family, the Saudis, Iraqis (those left alive after the immediate retreat of Imperialism), North Koreans and other critics of The Enemy be allowed to dictate (ahem) advise him. Further elections should now be unnecessary.
The Proletariat has all the wisdom it needs and then can concentrate on working for the greater good.
Obama with democrats (especially Madam Speaker) running Congress will result in such a socialist agenda that the democrats will end up showing their true communist/socialist colors. They are going to be so giddy because they think that everyone has mandated their socialist agenda now that they won't be able to help themselves or show any restraint, so the public in general will finally see the truth behind the mask.
The Republicans need a time out for letting power corrupt them so much over the last 8 years. Maybe we'll get some new Republicans later that will act like they were supposed to: conservative. They wasted having control of government by opting for a moderate domestic agenda, including the new Medicare drug benefit and illegal alien shamnesty, that pissed off the people who elected them (like me).
I grew up with McFeingold McKennedy McBackstabber as my Senator in AZ, and I couldn't hold my nose and vote for him, even with Palin on the ticket (Don't worry, "my friends," I didn't vote for Obama either).
I guess I might be staying here in Korea for a while longer with my after-tax fixed salary from Samsung...
It is I, his Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography, who is the last king of Scotland!
I eat you, fishy!
The history of the world, my sweet,
Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!
-Stephen Sondheim
Comrades! New documented footage of the Republican Party's demise (photographed by an eyewitness to the event using top secret concealed spy camera in lapel)
the secret top concealed hyperduper camera
the agent (name concealed; call her olga) flanked by two loyal party members
the actual footage of the demise!
Study this footage, comrades, it may come in handy next time around for destroying the evil capitalist pigdogs.
Sorry, KonvertedKomrade, I was there by Lenin's side. He called me to his side because he had learned that I had invented the rope with which capitalism could be hung. Of course, I had to go into hiding for many years until it was safe for me to emerge (still appearing youthful courtesy of Botox) and to re-name the rope "Global Warming," which I invented in the high-tech laboratories deep inside Gorbels Cube, where I also invented the GAIA HAT to protect Mother Earth from being made "too hot" by callous men.
{{{funny Gore video with excellent animation here}}}
I must admit I found this video from the Onion to be particularly amusing:
Obama with democrats (especially Madam Speaker) running Congress will result in such a socialist agenda that the democrats will end up showing their true communist/socialist colors. They are going to be so giddy because they think that everyone has mandated their socialist agenda now that they won't be able to help themselves or show any restraint, so the public in general will finally see the truth behind the mask.
The Republicans need a time out for letting power corrupt them so much over the last 8 years. Maybe we'll get some new Republicans later that will act like they were supposed to: conservative. They wasted having control of government by opting for a moderate domestic agenda, including the new Medicare drug benefit and illegal alien shamnesty, that pissed off the people who elected them (like me).
I grew up with McFeingold McKennedy McBackstabber as my Senator in AZ, and I couldn't hold my nose and vote for him, even with Palin on the ticket (Don't worry, "my friends," I didn't vote for Obama either).
I guess I might be staying here in Korea for a while longer with my after-tax fixed salary from Samsung...
That assumes the impossible that the electorate are smart and observant...they aren't...they'll just be hanging out with their hands out....it's gonna be hilarious when the dipshits think they can quit making car/house/credit card payments and not pay the consequences...I can hear them now "But I VOTED FOR OBAMA!!!"
It is I, his Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography, who is the last king of Scotland!
I eat you, fishy!
The history of the world, my sweet,
Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!
-Stephen Sondheim
Obama campaign workers angry over unpaid wages Posted: Nov 5, 2008 03:38 PM
Indianapolis - Lines were long and tempers flared Wednesday not to vote but to get paid for canvassing for Barack Obama. Several hundred people are still waiting to get their pay for last-minute campaigning. Police were called to the Obama campaign office on North Meridian Street downtown to control the crowd.
The line was long and the crowd was angry at times.
"I want my money today! It's my money. I want it right now!" yelled one former campaign worker.
I have sent a crack team of my troops into the capital of the former US government and am proud to say that I have assumed control of the Ministry of Patriotism (formally known as the IRS, the Dept of Revenue et al). Yes, I call it a Ministry, for I will run it with compassion, not by those old, judgmental laws. I will also be watching out for who is showing the proper amount of patriotism. and we will be needing a lot of patriotic people to step forward. From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need... less a small percentage for Party costs of course.
Not to fret Comrade Red Square, I am sure I will be able to take care of many other jobs as well as the Ministry of Patriotism.
Would that be Minister of Patriotism and Taxation? Has a nice ring to it, sure to instill the fear of Stalin in those filthy wealth creators.
It's nice to see, Pupovich, that while everybody is distraught over the elections and trying to find their way in the changing reality, you continue steadily to promote your own career, benefits, connections, and rank. That's the Party spirit!
The Party will continue to be victorious for as long as it continues to attract such incorrigible patriots as Marshal Pupovich!
Comrade Red Square is the universal embodiment of The PartyTM and The RevolutionTM. He needs no position, fore he is all of them at once! He permeates everything and is everywhere yet nowhere! He is Rta!
I denounce you, thought criminal! Off to the gulag with you to await your fate in Comrade Vlad's BBQ Pits of Next TuesdayTM!
You are right! I humbly accept my denouncement and further, I denounce myself for daring to suggest such a thing. I will go to reeducation camp immediately. After I inform on all my friends and relatives, perhaps I will be back in the good graces and rations of the party.
Let no good deed go unpunished!
ETA: Who or what the heck is "Rta"? Is it like a personification of the Juche?
McCain spent more time promising to "fight" than he did explaining and championing the freedoms for which he himself once literally fought. Toward the end, it was a race in which both candidates were mainly hawking "change." On those vague and utopian terms, Obama had a hands-down lead.
I liked it so much that I posted this comment on Forbes. Let's hope she reads it.
RedSquare wrote
Excellent points. I also regretted that McCain wound up parroting Obama's spin which he could never do as smoothly as Obama himself could.
When Obama said during the first debate that he and his opponent had fundamental philosophical differences, McCain ducked the charge and continued to pretend they shared the same philosophy. But they did not! He should've said, "You bet we have different philosophies! Mine is that of individual liberty, prosperity, and hope - while yours is that of collective serfdom, misery, and despair!"
Instead, McCain allowed Obama to drag him into the leftist frame of references where Obama was king and made circles around the poor old guy. I hope the next Republican candidate will stand his ground and use the frame of references based on individual liberty - it would've done to Obama what salt does to a slug.
That is, if the next time the Republicans nominate someone who actually believes in individual liberty.
Would that be Minister of Patriotism and Taxation? Has a nice ring to it, sure to instill the fear of Stalin in those filthy wealth creators.
It's nice to see, Pupovich, that while everybody is distraught over the elections and trying to find their way in the changing reality, you continue steadily to promote your own career, benefits, connections, and rank. That's the Party spirit!
The Party will continue to be victorious for as long as it continues to attract such incorrigible patriots as Marshal Pupovich!
Many Thanks Glorious Red Square! Yes, I like that even better, the Minister of Patriotism and Taxation. I for one do not understand why other comrades are not busy trying to see where they can contribute to the new reality that we have fought for so long. But as you say, I have kept my eye on the prize.... yes indeed. Now I will find out just how patriotic everyone truly are.
ETA: Who or what the heck is "Rta"? Is it like a personification of the Juche?
Rta(or"Reuta") is Sanskrit for "order, harmony, and balance of the cosmos." What kind of multicultural progressive are you?! Hurry off to the K. Marx Reeducation Center and immerse yourself in the Dharma of the Vedic sutras before Comrades Vlad and Bruno run out of fresh meat! Although, watching Dharma and Greg will satify the same course requirement.
Not a very good one apparently, though now that we are in an environment conducive to learning the ways of the progressive, I am sure to be enlightened soon at one of the Gulags run by Great Comrade Obama's Defense Force, or perhaps in a state-funded world history class taught by Bill Ayers. But in my defense, the proles aren't supposed to know anything anyway. I leave it up to the Party and the Messiah to decide what is best for me, so I am never in danger of rational thought or other dangerous concepts. All I need to know to do the will of the Party is which end of a shovel goes into the ground.
Ah, Comrade duhflushtech is a quick learner! The Party hereby sentences you to immediate execution for thought crimes against humanity. Beg for your life from the All Merciful Obamessiah.
Yes, gives a whole new meaning to "questioning someone's patriotism."
The Repubs continually questioned our patriotism - now it's time to start questioning theirs!
I just thought you should know another move I have been considering now that our time has arrived. General Mousey Tongue has been following in my pawprints so to speak, and has been seeking further means by which he can serve the Party. He was wondering about a position in propaganda, but of course that is an area where we have much talent already. But I may have found a good position for him to serve that will fit his talents and even give him some propaganda time as well.
I believe General Cat (Mousey Tongue) should be elevated to Surgeon General of the USSA. Sure, this does not sound as glamorous when compared to it's previous inhabitants. However, with the start of the Obamessiah's Universal Health Care, this position takes on a whole new gamut of power and responsibility, not to mention a position from which he can skim his needs from. It will take a tremendous influx of patriotism, which will be collected by my Ministry of Patriotism and Taxation, to provide the funds needed For the Common Good™. Because this is the People's Patriotism™ being collected and spent, then of course the State has a vested interest in how this patriotism is spent, and what sort of personal behavior and recreation that pose a risk to the individual, and therefore the state, that may be allowed and that may be restricted. This will also entail considerable propaganda as well.
Oh, and Glorious Red Cube, while I am full of it, ideas that is, may I suggest that Commissar Theocritus be nominated for Supreme Court Justice? As Obamessiah suggested, he wanted judges that ruled based on compassion and caring, not on empty, faceless, heartless concepts as written law. Who is more compassioonate than Commissar Theocritus? Who uses the flowery language necessary for the position better than Commissar Theocritus? Who is more unbiased in regard to his impaling?
Beg for your life from the All Merciful Obamessiah.
In accordance with your command, I did beg for mercy. The benevolent Obamessiah (may he be praised), in his great mercy, downgraded my sentence to life in hard labor, but only if I give up my guns. Since I already lost all of mine in a tragic boating accident, I quickly kissed his feet and took the offer.
It is I, his Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography, who is the last king of Scotland!
I eat you, fishy!
The history of the world, my sweet,
Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!
-Stephen Sondheim
I sense a disturbance in the force...
My goodness. It seems the doctors are all in agreement that I need a little more peace and hope in my life lest something strange happen to my DNA and I get too upset. From now on I will only be contemplating the best things about this great and glorious regime and only the happy things of life, such as flowers and butterflies and sunsets. I do hope that no comrade was too upset by my sudden and rather dramatic alteration and that no one whose internal organs I might have accidentally flayed is suffering too great a loss (I would return the organs but they are in a, um, lessened state). From now on my posts will only be placid and full of hope. I see four fingers and fields of rolling green.
Putin has begun testing the mettle of Our Young Lord Barry by positioning nuclear missiles on the borders of Russia's former territories. Putin will come to fear the stammering Lord Barry when he issues vague ultimatums and deadlines and threatens the Rogue with UN SANCTIONS, people! Then we shall see indeed if he is willing as we hope and suspect he is, to cede Alaska back to its rightful owners.
According to USSR Today, 57,434,084 people voted for John Mc Cain for president. These numbers will absolutely OVERWHELM my re-education camps! I need emergency assistance.
My only recourse is most of these voters will have to become organ donors.
The People's input on this crisis is badly needed.
Have you forgotten Hope and Change comrades? Those are not going to be Vienna Saudages like your mom fed you.... No, they will be forever known as Obama Steak from here on.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Boy are we in for a fun four years. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my tummy. 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
