Substance. It's the impression that Barack Obama has none that now worries his campaign. Though he's inspired millions with his vision of Hope and Change, now, when he has come so far, it may not be enough. Some claim that he is nothing but an empty suit spouting empty words, platitudes, feel good politics.
Mr Obama is eager to dispel this impression. "I don't simply repeat the words "hope" and "change," he stated at a news conference. "You can believe in Hope and Change because the Hope and Change I offer is based on my firm belief in Liberal Substance. Liberal Substance knows no race, knows no gender, knows no age, and knows no barriers to what it can do and accomplish! Substance is the very core of my being. My campaign is filled with Liberal Substance. Substance means what it says. Liberal Substance defines us. Liberal Substance gives us hope and brings about change. We have substance. To say that my campaign lacks substance is to say that every face out there in that crowd that believes in Hope and Change lacks substance. It is an insult to people everywhere. We have substance! Those that say I'm campaigning on empty words just don't get it. Maybe they never will. I feel very sorry for them."
Liberal Substance, says Mr Obama, holds that we, as one people, can work together and, through the government, achieve great things - as Progressives have always done. Liberal Substance is as old as the Progressive movement. The country, he says, longs for a national leader attuned to the will of the people to accomplish the common good. "I hear the people," Obama says "and together we will build a better future. We will give everyone health care, we will make certain that no one is hungry, we will end our addiction to oil and we will invest in a sustainable future. We will end war by talking with dignity to our enemies. Together, with me as the leader, we will work toward a better future. We can create a new tomorrow. That is hope and change. That is the essence of Liberal Substance. Liberal Substance is government with a smile on its face. I have a smile on my face. I am the will of the people."
Thanks, Margaret, for throwing substance into the mix. Because I felt the nation was entering a language crisis lately, with the words like Change and Hope losing any trace of meaning and becoming interchangeable - or is it interhopeable?
You have earlier noticed how climate change logically led to climate hope. Now even the cashiers at the corner stores sometimes get confused and give you hope instead of change after you buy something. Some of the progressives no longer change socks or underwear - they only hope they do it, or the government does it for them.
A beggar in the street recently asked me for some loose hope - so I gave him some, saying that if he's having a good day I would surely change it. The bus that I took, too had a sign "Prepare exact hope."
The residents of Hope, AZ, have also been complaining that their mail was being delivered to Change, France and Change, Pakistan. The loudest outcry came from the Obama campaign whose entire supply of election leaflets destined for Hope wound up in Change - but the Post Office responded that they only had themselves to blame for the confusion.
So I'm glad the word "substance" has come into play now, and I change (or hope?) that there will be no substance abuse.
But then, of course, there's always a backup plan way to end any linguistic confusion - by converting to Islam, which allows to replace any of these words with "Allah willing." That happens in Arabic that doesn't have future tense, only "insalla" (if god pleases).
Margaret - you may want to leave a comment there saying that the author of this article is not someone named OA but you - a progressive niece of $$ Halliburton.
I like your image. Considering the title of Obama's other book, The Audacity of Hope, we might also think of a sequel - The Audacity of Change. And then maybe even The Audacity of Substance. Further titles may range from "The Hope Strikes Back" to "The Son of Change" to "The Rise of Substance."
In the case of this book, I'd add just one more line:
Considering the title of Obama's other book, The Audacity of Hope, we might also think of a sequel - The Audacity of Change. And then maybe even The Audacity of Substance. Further titles may range from "The Hope Strikes Back" to "The Son of Change" to "The Rise of Substance."
The Audacity of Audacity
The Substance of the Audacity of the Hope of Change
Of Human Hope and Change
The Great Hope Also Rises
Teach a Man Hope and He Can Bum Change The Rest of His Life
I don't see how anyone could confuse it with Mein Kampf. Adolf Hitler was a fascist. Barack Obama is a Progressive. Adolf Hitler's intentions were evil. Barack Obama's intentions are good. "Struggle" has a very long and valued history among the Left. Hitler had no right to use the term "struggle." Mein Kampf was diabolical. Liberal Substance is the nectar of the gods.
There is one more thing, comrades, that we must consider. Since intentions are all, we must take a preemptive strike against other people who have good intentions. Since things are what we say they are, we must declare that the intentions of others are bad.
But does this, I hate to suggest, mean that we must declare the intentions of our beloved MTE to be evil? I know that she doesn't give a damn about anything but the acquisition of pure power, but if we're selling intentions, we have to get our act in order.
Thanks for mentioning me, Gerard. Long time no speak. I mustmention, however, that the Obama piece you linked to was written by oneof my American friends. Obama's message of change tickles his fancy.
But my choice of the ideal progressive president for America is Putin!
If change is what the Americans want, Putin can give it to them betterthan Obama or Hillary. And trust me, it won't be some cosmetic do-over- it will be a change that's final and irreversible. I challenge allthe progressives who talk about change to put their money where theirmouth is and support Vladimir Putin for American President.
No candidate is perfect. We always have to make concessions. I think the important thing in this election is to make sure our domestic policy reflects our Left leaning values. There must be an American Putin out there. Maybe next election. The Right always asks: who is the most Reaganesque? We should ask: who is the most Putinesque? Hillary or Obama? Until a real American Putin comes along we have to go with what we have.
Until a real American Putin comes along we have to go with what we have.
<Sigh>... America needs a Putin. We need a president who understands that killing the opposition is the only way to successfully push a forward-thinking progressive agenda. We need a president who will torture Americans into embracing quality, affordable healthcare and universal pre-k. We need a Putin, and most importantly, our Children need a Putin.
I've changed my mind. Word on the street is the baitch is gonna morph that into "Substance Abuse" and try and pin some some more shit on me.
Let's just stick to Hope & Change LLP for right now.
I've changed my mind. Word on the street is the baitch is gonna morph that into "Substance Abuse" and try and pin some some more shit on me.
Let's just stick to Hope & Change LLP for right now.
Obama wants to deflect the issue. I can see why. Your "Hope and Change" is part of a greater thing, it is another flavor of "Ism." It's a substance abuse alright. It's the stuff of Kool-Aid drinkers everywhere. But Obama deflects the issue of what he stands for by not identifying it. That's right, Obama. Just stick with Hope and Change. That's like a professional magician using timing and props to misdirect the attention of the audience. Nice try, but I've seen this trick. Environmentalism is a frightening new flavor of "ism," but your kind really frightens me. Your kind gets in under the door like oozing slime. When the magic election show is over then what have you in store?
Some of you have seen this video already, but this is Barack Obama and he's selling a new flavor of "ism." I don't think this video can be seen too many times.
I don't get the video. All I see is a big white gap underneath the text. A big white, racist gap that should be sent to the re-education camps where his guilt will force him to vote for Osamabama.
Dear Lenin! LIes! LIes! Damnable lies SS Haliburton! The only germ of truth in that hideous film was the depiction of this country pumping so much more earth killing CO2 into the atmosphere than all the other nations combined. This video must be destroyed! For the Children™!
Can we make it a non-video? I had to press "Menu" and copy the link to get to it, before Mikhail added his link. As we made that ex-president, whosisname, a non-person, this ought to be a non-video.
Yeah. Sure. You ought to see what she did at the Rancho the last time. I have a lot of hope that I'll be able to change out the furniture.
Isn't that a job for Bruno? Or is he/she/it too depressed to do these duties after hearing of your recent efforts to foist Bruno on someone else? Yes, Bruno probably deserves a subsidy to help ease the pain.
Do not worry, Comrades; I've got Bruno a gig he'll really enjoy. Should you come a cropper with the Party, you too will have a ticket on TransSiberian Railroads and be able to enjoy Bruno y sus Corazones in their full splendor.
Damn. I'm pissy today. Entirely too many Realtors. Sorry.
I heard la Raza will come out with their version too. It is called Lucha Mia. Its about a struggle against laws, English grammar, and adopting to a alien country.
There is another gig. Get elected to county government as a commissioner. Hire a member of a large family and keep him employed long enough to qualify for unemployment. Fire him. His family is pleased. Repeat. Screw the high employment taxes in the People's Republic of Texas--you've kept some families very happy.
Another gig. Get elected as, oh, county clerk. Where the survival characteristic is being in the office three months before every quadrennial election and making nice. Where the survival characteristic is not keeping the records. Where the survival characteristic of the deputies is not keeping the records but keeping the clerk happy. Once the clerk, a very nice woman, came to me with a problem for I've had a half century's experience with county government--from the outside.
"Theocritus, what should I do about the mistakes?"
"Fire T." Kindly, nice, sweet, but as we say in math, nondeterministic.
After an hour of "Fire T" the clerk left, satisfied she'd done her duty by asking me, but not hearing a word I'd said.
T got fired. Not because of incompetence but because she got a boyfriend before the clerk.
T.'s survival characteristic was being fatter than the clerk.
I have a job for Bruno Commissar! As you know now, the United Socialist States of America is now a for certain thing with it down to Hillary, Obama, or McCain. But now is the time to strike the death knell for the republican party forever. We need to send Bruno on a mission.... to "catch" McCain tapping out a "code" in the bathroom! Bruno would be perfect for this mission, and it would ensure that the most talented socialist of the three will be victorious.
I have no Idea... I just logged on and it was like that. I suspect that it was due to the graciousness of dear comrade Red Square again. When the avatar system was first introduced, he made mine for me from a picture I posted. I never did thank him, and now he has updated it again and made it much better from its original appearance.
Thank you Red Square!
It also appears that Pinkie has been... um... "modified" as well.
It also appears that Pinkie has been... um... "modified" as well.
(GASP!) Oh, my Lenin! What does that mean? What has Red Square done to me? Why am I wrapped in all these bandages? I am not his mummy.
Someone mentioned Anastasia . . . ooh, do I look like Ingrid Bergman now?
Did he whiten my teeth? Clear up my skin? Give me a boob job?
All I know is, he better not have removed my red headscarf, or I will smash out the windows of his Party-leased SUV with my shovel a la bald-headed Britney Spears.
Someone get these bandages off and fetch a hand mirror so I can see what Red did to me! Give me that mirror! GIVE IT TO ME!
Only I think the shovel should have a boy's name. Don't ask me to explain. I'll think about it over a bottle of Putinka.
Um... uh... it is not my position to question your motives. I suggest the name "Bourn Bourgenjorgen". I dunno why. It is not your position to question my motives.
There seems to be some confusion comrades. Most is what has been commented on goes to the positive side of the negative effect. As I recall the words were 'knows no' since there is no knowing what barriers exist they cannot be breached. Since no race is known, it cannot be run? Since no gender is know there can be no confusion of man and woman, and since no age is known there can be no attainment of same and all will remain young at heart forever. This is both good and bad as it furthers the requirements of the State to at some point in time 'know' these things for for no other reason than to subjugate them properly. This is something we can all hope for and when it occurs we will see more change to a positive substance, something like the blob. perhaps.
I'm the last person to want to hold someone back. I so overflowing with the milk of human kindness, like, I'm sure, all the good Party members, that I will do anything for my fellow beyings and appliances.
And so I've been insisting, yes, absolutely insisting that Bruno explore his queenhood to its full capacity, and to that end I've been opening the door for him and insisting that he see the fine West Texas air, and to keep him company and bid him godspeed I've thrown shoes, bowling balls, and even Meow's ex-wife, the pop-tart toaster Helen, who showed up here one night drunk on 220V.
It sure didn't work in Louisiana. BHO came to woo the voters, Hillary sent Bill. I suspect he "worked the crowds" in New Orleans pretty good though, after all, he has always been one who enjoyed "pressing the flesh."
I will never abandon our MTE--unless there is someone else in power.
Unless there is someone else in power? REALLY? Hmmm... well... last time I checked - which was about a minute ago after finishing my enema - I saw a large sign on the wall that said I AM THE BOSS! GOT IT?
Until Hillary pulls off a miracle and becomes the nominee of our Party I AM THE BOSS. Oh, and by the way, she won't pull off a miracle because I went on Bloomberg today and made it clear THAT THOSE DELEGATES IN MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA SHOULD NOT BE SEATED. So there.... you are officially supporting Obama, Theocritus - JUST LIKE THE REST OF US!
The same with L. Ron Hubbard. I defy anyone to read a single full page.
Looks like its time for somebody's audit. I sense too many Carbon Thetans infesting his soul. How does somebody expect to get into Climatology Heaven with all those Carbon Thetans? I say about $1M worth of Carbon Credits can get you a "clear audit".
I will never abandon our MTE--unless there is someone else in power.
Unless there is someone else in power? REALLY? Hmmm... well... last time I checked - which was about a minute ago after finishing my enema - I saw a large sign on the wall that said I AM THE BOSS! GOT IT?
Until Hillary pulls off a miracle and becomes the nominee of our Party I AM THE BOSS. Oh, and by the way, she won't pull off a miracle because I went on Bloomberg today and made it clear THAT THOSE DELEGATES IN MICHIGAN AND FLORIDA SHOULD NOT BE SEATED. So there.... you are officially supporting Obama, Theocritus - JUST LIKE THE REST OF US!
SHUT UP you drunk, aging, heifer!!!
You never did a damned thing to help our MTE win a single primary!!! Except pay her lip service (and I mean that literally) at Theo's ranch. And that won't do it.
BOSS? YOU? I got your boss. My size 10 steel toed boots are your boss. Now sober up and get your flabby arse back to work destroying this country!!!
Zampolit, let's have some mercy on Nansky. When His Infernal Majesty the Ickesaurus has elevated Our Many Titted Empress onto the throne of Perpetual Power, built on the Bones of the People, Nansky will become our Empress' Groom of the Stool. In other words, she will clean the behind of Our Empress after her hour-long defecations. And considering the real estate and the stippling, she'll need a power-washer.
That would be an excellent job for Nancsky! But for the time being, she has not accomplished one single task as Speaker of the House that we have assigned to her!!! The troops are still are still in Iraq, Al Qaeda has not attacked us again, the Iranians still have not got a nuclear tipped ICBM working yet. What the hell is wrong with her? I'll tell you what is wrong with her. She's a drunk-ass weak liberal!!! It's like she is trying to compete with Comrade Teddy K. instead of weakening this country like she was appointed to do by The Party™ .
Zampolit, let's have some mercy on Nansky. When His Infernal Majesty the Ickesaurus has elevated Our Many Titted Empress onto the throne of Perpetual Power, built on the Bones of the People, Nansky will become our Empress' Groom of the Stool. In other words, she will clean the behind of Our Empress after her hour-long defecations. And considering the real estate and the stippling, she'll need a power-washer.
Think on this Commissar, regardless of what happens in November, Nancy will still be in power. If the Empress wins, then she and Nancy will be inseperable, other than when the Empress' new squeeze is around. If another wins, Nancy's power will be even greater.
I am not that far away from you, Zam. You do know that, don't you? You do know NOVA is but a stones throw away from my palatial D.C townhouse. You are aware of this, right? Hmm? Did you know that? Oh... you did? Really? THEN SHUT THE HELL UP, PEON! I AM THE BOSS! GET IT?!
Zam, dear, you fail to realize that regardless of who wins this show-election that I-- SPEAKER PELOSI-- am the third in line to ascend to the crown majestical. You also fail to realize that I am the face and power of the Party. You also fail to realize that I am the most powerful womyn in the U.S and will remain so if Hillary fails to snatch the nom from BHO.
I wear the pantsuit around here and don't you ever forget it!
Listen up and listen good, Nacsky!!! There is NO WAY IN HELL you are the BOSS over me!!!! That vacuous cavity between your ears has no where near the neural fire power needed to do that job. Hell ... you can't even do the job The Party™ has assigned to you!!!
I know where you live. I can bring a couple of my friends, Mr. Heckler and Mr. Koch, over to your D.C. whorehouse and we can play a little game of "Hide the Jacketed Hollow Point" with you. Don't threaten me lushbag!!! I survived Stalin, Khrushchev, that oaf Brezhnev, and 25 years with a psycho ex-wife who would scream "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" repeatedly at o'dark thirty in the morning at me. So understand this .... You don't scare me!!!
Why don't you do what The Inner Circle™ ordered you to do? Are the troops out of Iraq so that it can turn into the middle east version of medieval Romania? NO! Has Bu$hitler been impeached yet? NO! Has Al Qaeda attacked U.S. soil? NO! Is the Venezuelan Navy's aircraft carriers parked off of our coast? NO! Does The Venezuelan Navy HAVE aircraft carriers? NOOOOO!!!! Does Iran have a nuclear warhead and an ICBM to deploy it with? NO! Sounds to me like you got a whole lot of catching up to do!!!!
Speaker of the House, my ass!!! All you've managed to accomplish in that role is to convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. You have a NATION to DESTROY, Missy!!!! GET TO IT!!!!!
And one more thing ...
I wear the steel toed Jack Boots around here and don't you ever forget that!!!
I know where you live. I can bring a couple of my friends, Mr. Heckler and Mr. Koch, over to your
Blokhayev
Comrade Blokhayev, you have made a most convincing case that Nancy is indead a traitor and an Enemy of the People. But I have to ask: why just shoot her? Why not torture her a little first and make her tell all her secrets? That's the Party Way™! I will help you!
After we have tortured her we can have a bottle or two of vodka and then execute her in the basement.
We can bring Pinkie with us. She can entertain us with song and belly dancing.
That has yet to be determined Zampoloit..... Da, but you gave me a good laugh this morning, but must you go so hard on Comrade Nancy? She is but a woman after all, and not a particularly brilliant or good looking one. Actually, that picture makes her look like a sturgeon with a hook in it's mouth. Were I not The Man of Steel, I would pity her.
Patiently, I sat staring out a large window in the bank, hoping to stave off foreclosure of my beet crop. The window I peered from was cleaned as only a capitalistic venture would have it. Squeaky Klean. It was an optimistic view. I was repulsed.
A nighthawk crashed into the window as I sat there contemplating the hopelessness of my Bush induced circumstances.
Bonk! Splat! Feathers filtered down to mark the occasion.
The bird quivered on the ground a little bit then died. Its bird's feet pointing straight into the air.
Any reference I have made to Obama's transparent promises via a clean window representing the iron fist of -ISM's (Liberal mostly) and a nighthawk metaphor for We The People is purely coincidental!
Bird is good if you know how to cook it.
With beets of course.
Don't these gals just make you want to shake your bottle till the cork pops and spews foam everywhere?
Shame and cellulite? This is not an excuse. Please, do it For the Children™!
And thank you for tricking me into viewing these pictures. I will now be a virtual gelding for several weeks and the vodka suddenly stopped working! Shame on you commissarka! Shame on you! You have sabotaged the People's Kommissar's manhood and vodka. Prepare for some phonecalls!
Have you lost all sense of Party discipline Kommissar Vodkov? Blaming one of the Party's most loyal and diligent workers for your sabotaged manhood and vodka? Threatening her? Perhaps you need some time on a People's Shovel to help you get your manhood back in shape. Why you even admit that you were tricked into this, What does that say about your judgment Kommissar?
We are all about Change and Hope, Hope and Change. Think on this Comrade.
It is correct that insignificant Party members are not allowed to think but somebody must. That somebody is me, Kommissar Vodkov. I must think about lots of things. Assassinations of class enemies, defamation campaigns, blackmail and yes; stalking of dubious Party members if necessary. Commissarka Pinkie is lucky I haven't assigned her case to my wet works team. A suspected Huckabee supporter in our midst who is protected by respected Party members? Shameful! Heads will roll!
So Kommissar, you claim that you have the right to think? A mere Kommissar? Don't you know that I am an Honorary Vice Chairman now? I will tell you when to think, and right now you need to get your shovel, your sandals, and go collect some ca$h for the Change and Hope campaign! Do not pass Pinkie, go directly to the streets, the malls, the banks! We need ca$h! Super delegates don't come cheap Kommissar.
Vodkov, for the last time (though something tells me it isn't), I am not THAT kind of HO!
In fact, I'm not even sure if I'm any kind of HO now.
But even IF I were guilty of something, the fact that I refuse to belly dance should be sufficient to get me off the hook. Trust me--you guys should thank me for not being like those junk-to-jewels belly dancers or those Boobs Not Bombs (like what's the difference there?)
Shame on you for trying to exploit me and turn me into some kind of object!
Pupovich: For the record, how many times now has he been denounced? And still no show trial?
You may leave your "guest soaps" in the dish next to the wash basin on the way out.
If you survive your show trial and can go for at least one week without being denounced thereafter, The Party might consider issuing you a new replacement pair. Of course they won't be the same ones. Be nice to me and maybe I can swing (oops, not the best verb choice) get the Mime's for you.
I'm very surprised to hear that the Mime indeed has any to spare. How exactly did you find out about that commissarka??? Is there something you haven't told us - your comrades?
Don't you know that I am an Honorary Vice Chairman now?
So a Hillary supporter got a promtion ehh? You will surely be purged right after HRC's head hits the ground and starts rolling. Maybe you will be shown mercy and sent to the Gulag instead, without shoes and shovel though.
Stop it! Just STOP IT! Can't you see that all this candidate choosing is tearing us apart? We can't take over the U.S. if we are bickering like children (more so, I mean)! We must be organized about this and not worry about picking sides until a candidate is chosen.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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SPONSORED BY:
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Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Substance. It's the impression that Barack Obama has none that now worries his campaign. Though he's inspired millions with his vision of Hope and Change, now, when he has come so far, it may not be enough. Some claim that he is nothing but an empty suit spouting empty words, platitudes, feel good politics.
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
