The People's Cube :: - Goremon Choir: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Doomsday

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Goremon Choir: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Doomsday

By Red Square
12/17/2007, 8:52 pm

Lyrics by Comrade Ivan Betinov, music by Santa Claus, global warming by Al Gore

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Every-where we turn
we see ice caps are getting thin
because of our global sin
and polar bears are getting a sunburn

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Just as Gore did cry
buy a carbon credit right now
to offset your farting cow
If you don't we'll die!

But the Pa-r-ty bure-au-cra-ts in Bali will set all th-ings to right
Glo-bal warming deniers, they will lose their pitiful fight
The Carbon Credits guard us while we sleep
And the little Dutch boy has no cause to weep...no...more!

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Don't you dare forget:
Buy a compact flourescent light,
Turn off the heat at night,
and huddle together with your household pet!

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Red banners now unfurl
And the whims of the PCC
Soon will be a state decree
All across the world,
all acro-o-oss the-e-e Wor-l-d!

By Premier Betty
12/17/2007, 10:40 pm

Repent, repent, REPENT!!!!

By Ivan Betinov
12/18/2007, 11:56 am

Comrade Red Square, you used a fuller version of the music than I had access to, so here are the rest of the lyrics.

But the Pa-r-ty bure-au-cra-ts in Bali will set all th-ings to right
Glo-bal warming deniers, they will lose their pitiful fight
The Carbon Credits guard us while we sleep
And the little Dutch boy has no cause to weep...no...more!

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Don't you dare forget:
Buy a compact flourescent light,
Turn off the heat at night,
and huddle together with your household pet!

It's beginning to look a lot like doomsday
Red banners now unfurl
And the whims of the PCC
Soon will be a state decree
All across the world,
all acro-o-oss the-e-e Wor-l-d!

ADDED TO THE ORIGINAL POST
- Red Square

By Blue Bell
12/19/2007, 7:54 pm

Thank you Red Square for the lovely holiday greeting !! I sincerely wish you All a great Winter Soltice, a Merry Christmas, and a very Happy New Year. Do try to smile once in awhile. It does wonders.

Best Wishes,
Blue Bell

By Commissar Theocritus
12/21/2007, 9:42 pm

When I smile the cats, Calvin and Hobbes, run for cover.

By Premier Betty
12/22/2007, 12:32 am

Ummm....

By Commissarka Pinkie
12/26/2007, 8:56 am

Blue Bell, with a song in her heart and a chirping bluebird perched on her impeccably manicured, capitalist fingertips, wrote

Do try to smile once in awhile. It does wonders.

Oh looky.  Another conservative who thinks the surge is actually working and that the economy is humming along just fine.

Conservatives like you remind me of those Disney princesses who haven't a care in the world, because they cruelly exploit adorable little dancing mice and birds and squirrels by forcing them to do all their caring and thinking for them.  After all, what do conservatives know about caring and thinking?  Certainly less than those darling little mice you've got polishing your silver, robbed of their dignity by being forced to parade around in Barbie doll clothes.

Conservatives like you remind me of all those heroines from Rodgers & Hammerstein musicals.  Yeah, that's right.  When you hear about another jeep getting blown up in Baghdad, or another cute baby polar bear (sniff) losing his home to melting ice caps, do you care?  Do you wring your hands and say, "We must go to Bali and talk about what we should do to raise awareness about this, because we need to do something NOW?" Of course not.  Like the R & H heroines, when these things happen you just whistle a happy tune, sing about your favorite things, or just wash these problems right out of your hair.

What's there to smile about?  Our troops still aren't home.  Bush and Cheney still haven't been impeached.  Our civil rights are eroding by the minute.  Even as I type this, I'm constantly having to glance over my shoulder, for fear of being seized and hauled away to Gitmo by one of the Bushgoons.  (Did you know a member of the Religion of Peace is waterboarded at Gitmo every 2.5 minutes?)

Why should I smile?  The Supreme Court is tilted so far to the right now, that henceforth, every election will be decided in favor of Bush or another Republican.  One more conservative pick, and it's back to wire hangers and back alleys for all of us women.

Still want me to smile?  How can I, when our once great country will plunge into recession any moment now?  When tomorrow I could be homeless or hungry--or at the very least, have "food insecurity"?  That Jesus person was homeless, don't ya know--pretty much all his life.  If it can happen to the so-called Son of God, then it can happen to anyone, and that goes for you and me too, toots.

Still want me to show my teeth and lighten up?  Well, I'd love to, except I'm ashamed to show my teeth to anyone, because I don't have universal health care or dental.  Every month I have to decide whether to buy the medicine I need for my skin and tongue infections, or get the latest tattoo and body piercings so I can fit in with my friends and not feel like a freak.  It's horrible having to make that decision every time I get my government check, Blue Bell!  Simply horrible!  No one should have to make such difficult decisions.  No one should ever have to worry about that.  And no one should ever have to feel left out and like a freak, because they don't have what their friends have.

You want me to sing about my favorite things?  Well, my favorite things include the cute baby polar bears, who will soon be no more.  Every 2.5 minutes, 10 square feet of polar ice cap melts, and another cute baby polar bear becomes homeless and (sniff) . . . drowns!

And you think if I just smile, all of these problems will go away and magically disappear?

This is the only safe place where I can frown and whine and complain and be miserable.  And you and Bush and all Republicans and conservatives want to take that away from me!  Well, until Empress Hillary takes her rightful place, this is all I've got.  And I will not let you take it away from me!  I will not!  Dammit, if I have to get off my fat behind, stand up, and exert myself to fight for and defend SOMETHING--even if it means I have to stand outside on a street corner holding up a sign exhorting people to honk if they think Bush's America sucks--then it'll be for this, the Cube--my last refuge of misery.

Now go enjoy your capitalist holiday.  Drink your eggnog and regift that old fruitcake that's been making the rounds of your friends and family for the past decade.  All I ask is that you feel guilty for having it so much better than the rest of us.  That's all.  Just feel guilty.

No, put your Gucci wallet away (though I'm sure Comrade Dirk will be happy to take it off your finely manicured, smooth, callous-free capitalist hands).  I don't want your charity.  I want it from the government.  Give it to them.  And if you won't give it to them, never fear--Empress Hillary will take it and redistribute it for you in due course.  As a genius and The Smartest Woman in the World, she knows best!

What's that, you say?  You DO fear the coming of Hillary?  You're afraid of what will happen then?  No problem!  Just do what Deborah Kerr did when she was afraid--and whistle that happy little tune!

By Red Square
12/26/2007, 1:29 pm

You go, Commissarka!

By Blue Bell
12/29/2007, 2:54 pm

[quote="Commissarka Pinkie"]

Blue Bell, with a song in her heart and a chirping bluebird perched on her impeccably manicured, capitalist fingertips, wrote

Do try to smile once in awhile. It does wonders.

Dear Commissarka Pinkie,

A thousand pardons !!   No !!   A Million pardons !!   As I don’t 'addictively hover’ over TPC, I didn’t read your post of 12/26 until today… 12/29.   How remiss of me !!   I feel awful…   I just feel Awful !!   I really do !!   Especially since you’ve obviously been experiencing such horrific pain, torture, and even hallucinations !!   Was Santa mean to you this year ??   And those Damn Republican and Democratic presidential candidates !!   They’re enough to drive a sane person MAD !!   Where will it all end ???

Comrade Pinkie...   Do pull yourself together and try not to blame poor lil ole Blue Bell for all your pain and suffering…   Had I known…  Had I but known of your pain and suffering…   I would have soothed your fevered brow with cool compresses…   or better yet, by the gentle touch of my small, smooth hand.   I could have put a smile back on that frowny face of yours.   Next time…   just ring the ‘Bell’.

Kindly,
Blue Bell

By Commissar Theocritus
12/30/2007, 9:43 am

Commissarka Pinkie, I am red-faced with shame, and although the color is a fetching one, it does not become me for people start trying to dip me in garlic butter. Here I sit, in the Adolphus in Dallas, on my Winter Solstice Trip overseeing the workers' paradise to come in the Progressive World of Next Tuesday, down here in Takes-us, waiting for my Eggs Benedict to arrive, to eat here in my suite full of this Louis XIV furniture and I realize that the ham on the Eggs Benedict may not be organically raised by unionized workers with a child-care plan for their 3.7 children each, out of 4.5 fathers each.

Also, what if the ham did not come from a pig that was allowed to choose its mate? That benefactrix of the people, Astrid Lindgren, who gave the world Pippi Longstocking, has issued a perfectly sane encyclical that animals ought to be able to choose their sex partners just like people, or just like Meow with his toaster wife, Helen. What if the pig was actually--quelle horreur--bred without its consent? What if the pig did have the proper suite as do the homeless animals in the animal shelter in San Francisco, each with a television per dog?

I appeal to Cubists with more experience than I have. Does one actually have seizures when one eats an egg that is not free range?

The only salvation is the sauce hollandaise because the Dutch are enlightened and have socialized medicine. And they love it too--the minister of health, while being interviewed about the aborted Hillarycare, which Shall Rise Again, said that they controlled costs because they do not have such high expectations. And the Dutch are perfectly happy to know that if they're over 65 they don't get all the heart work that they might want. But then those resources need to go to the productive proles so that's okay.

I see that I'm wandering. It must be the effect of this loose living on the mind of this old socialist.

By Commissarka Pinkie
12/31/2007, 9:25 am

Excellent!  I've got Blue Bell feeling awful and Theocritus red-faced with shame.  If I can get just two people to feel as wretched as I do, then maybe 2007 hasn't been a total flush down the toilet--though I'm still ticked that our troops aren't home; that War Criminal Bush is still running amuck, slaughtering innocent people and ruthlessly crushing any and all dissent against his illegal dictatorship; and that we still don't have enough people who care enough to start talking to other people who don't care about how we need their signatures so we can present resolutions to be passed that resolve to take the steps our leaders must begin to take--NOW--to start addressing the problem of what must be done--and SOON--to begin doing something about getting everyone to make changes in their lives in hopes of stopping Global Warming--because there isn't a moment to lose anymore. (Did you know that while you were reading the previous sentence, 10 square miles of polar ice caps melted into the ocean, leaving 100 cute baby polar bears homeless and in danger of drowning?  It's THAT dire now!)

That said, I think Blue Bell and Theocritus should each go out and find two people--that's four people total--and fill them with just as much awful guilt and red-faced shame about what's happening to America and ultimately the Planet.  Then those four people will each go out and find four more people--rinse, wring hands, repeat, yada yada.

We'll start a chain--call it the People's Chain of Progress (or something)--and it'll be the greatest thing the People have ever done since--well, since the usual marches, sit-ins, die-ins, hokey-pokin's, etc.  The important thing is we'll be calling attention to the issues that concern us--and isn't that always the first step toward true Progressiveness?

By Commissar Theocritus
12/31/2007, 11:25 am

Oh yes, Pinkie, oh yes. I'm quite excited about this. And in fact in true progressive fashion it's the only thing that can get me excited. In fact my computer doesn't want to stay on my lap I'm so excited about making people feel really really bad.

I have a new idea on how to make people feel really really bad. As you know, or may now know, San Antonio has a Sea World. Now I am the first to hate the exploitation of these non-human sentient life forms, especially the crustaceans, which although they are bugs and first cousins to cockroaches (1) they taste really really good and (2) they can be relied on to vote Progressive after (3) they taste really really good.

Back to Sea World. They have an Orca. They also have seals. Did you know that killer whales eat baby seals? I think that we ought to agitate for a cabinet-level post to retrain killer whales to eat tofu. For you see, just because it's nature doesn't mean it's pretty. We have to change nature when it's not warm and fuzzy.

But we have to keep nature when it impedes the progress of the Kapitalists. Do you recall that highway outside of Denver that was rerouted so that raspberry bushes wouldn't be uprooted? Now that's what I call a truly progressive highway. And the sacrifice: millions of gallons of fossil fuel used to go around a few raspberry bushes with a lifetime of perhaps two years.

Damn. There goes the computer again.

By Red Square
12/31/2007, 1:52 pm

Pinkie -

I'm also excited about your idea (although unlike Theocritus, I'm using a desktop computer).

I think that you should post a sample chain letter on the Blog, briefly telling people why they need to feel awful, asking them to forward this letter to 12 people, and if they don't do that, 348 polar bear cubs will drown, 698 square miles of ice will melt into the ocean which will rise 246 feet above the scientists-approved level, Bush will continue to abduct and torture innocent pedestrians and tourists at the Washington Mall, etc.

Theocritus -

The idea to alter nature to make it more fuzzy is a grand one. Of course raising soy beans is what human peasants do, and when not forced by cruel capitalist exploiters, they are too lazy to grow enough to feed the humans, let alone countless other species. Why not then train animals to feed animals? I see nothing wrong with hordes of genetically modified hamsters and cockroaches planting, weeding, and harvesting soybeans. Since making tofu may require opposable thumbs, we can train monkeys to do it - or again, genetically modify dogs and cats so they can earn their keep too, instead of lazing about on the couches and licking various Party organs. Imagine your entire household leaving house in the morning, with your two cats joining you for breakfast, then hastening each other at the litterbox, then fastening lunchboxes with Friskies to their collars, and as you get into your Prius they will get on their little tricycles and speed off to the State Tofu Fabrika #61 for the 8-hour shift.

I'm sure we'll find the biggest supporters of this proposal among Labor Union leaders who will see an influx of millions of unionized animals as a sure way to reinvigorate their sagging statistics.

By Commissar Theocritus
12/31/2007, 10:44 pm

Red, by all means let's plasticize everything. Nothing should be immutable, all should bend to our will. I think that Calvin and Hobbes would be much improved growing soy beans. Surely they want something more fulfilling than having me pull their ears all the time and let's liberate Consuelo from sand-box duty.

But why stop there? We can make other things mutable too, and we are shown the way. After all, Nancy Pelosi is considered intelligent and if that's not a change from what nature gave her, I don't know what is.

And why not sexuality? Bruce La Bruce, in The Raspberry Reich has a woman leader of a gang patterned after some of my heros, the Baader-Meinhoff Gang, who declares that "Heterosexuality is the Opiate of the Masses!" And she makes her acolytes do it with each other. And why not? With enough prompting I might get a rise from contemplating the cellulite-laden thighs of Our Many Titted Empress, and Bruno would start camping out, in the best way, in Hooters. And this time he wouldn't be in drag. Now that would augur an earth-shaking change.

But why stop there? There is too much of me, and so I declare that gravity itself is mutable. Why diet when there is all that lovely food to eat? Gravity shall change.

By Laika the Space Dog
1/1/2008, 11:32 am

Happy New Year? How, may I ask, can anybody be happy when there are crying Bunnies in the world?
Pinkie, you are so right.
Let us weep.
Where's Dr. Kurgman? He usually leads us in weeping sessions. We have sooooo much to weep for. How about a new holiday? Weepsgiving?

By Commissar Theocritus
1/1/2008, 12:16 pm

Laika, I am like so confused. I mean, how can I cry if I'm really pissed off all the time? I thought I was supposed to be 110% righteous rage, you know, all that stuff that the Bushitler does to me that makes me so angry that I can't see straight. My head is about to explode, yada yada yada--take any post from the Kos Kiddies and you get my drift.

But how can I maintain that really pissed-off attitude if I deliquesce into tears? Now I do a good line in hurt tears, those big blue soulful eyes, you know--I spend time every day mugging into a mirror with a Precious Moments figurine just for the maximum effect.

But I am having a real problem switching between blubbering and raging at the flip of a switch. Now I expect that the Chairman could, you know--he does a really good line in rage. And Pinkie is our master, or mistress, in tears. That shovel and vodka schtick is a good one. Babushka, shit.

And I'm the resident bitch. So in this New Year's I shall reform. No, I'm not going to wail on Bruno no matter how much he needs it, and he does, he does, he does. I'm going to quit being so self important because it's not about me, is it? All that bitchiness is really about me, isn't it? How clever I am. When I can be so much more effective as a party member if I can alternate at the drop of a hat between hand-wringing (thank you Commissarka) and raging (tip of the shako to the Chairman).

Then while I've got everyone's attention, Dirk can lift their wallets, Hillary can squeeze them with her thunder thighs, Bruno can astonish them, and not in a good way, with a production number, and finally, at the end I can give them a little repartee:

Well, I can't swear off cold turkey, can I?

By Red Square
1/1/2008, 2:12 pm

The only Monty Python episode approved by the Party for viewing in peasant collectives is this one:

Feudal lord oppresses members of the anarcho-syndicalist commune.

By Laika the Space Dog
1/1/2008, 8:08 pm

Quote

raging at the flip of a switch.

OK then. Rage it is! Just as long as you're feeling something other than good or happiness.
How about baby seals? Rage against the senseless slaughter of the baby seals!
I believe that was the Greenpeace rage about 20 years ago.
Oh...wait a minute. The dying polar bears are eating the baby seals and the dying polar bears are the rage now.
Aww crap. How about if we rage against the dying polar bears and weep for the baby seals?

By Commissarka Pinkie
1/1/2008, 9:59 pm

Red Square wrote

Pinkie -

I think that you should post a sample chain letter on the Blog, briefly telling people why they need to feel awful, asking them to forward this letter to 12 people, and if they don't do that, 348 polar bear cubs will drown, 698 square miles of ice will melt into the ocean which will rise 246 feet above the scientists-approved level, Bush will continue to abduct and torture innocent pedestrians and tourists at the Washington Mall, etc.

Comrade, I would be happy to give it a shot, but the People's Blog will not allow me to post a "New Topic." I'm logged in, but when I click on "New Topic" I get a dirty message telling me that only "moderators" can post articles there.

Oddly enough, I can start threads in the bunker and even open a new topic here on Karaoke; haven't tried elsewhere.

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MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush'

Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.'

More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers

Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama

Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20

Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America

You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy

Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK.

Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers

Somali pirates hijack international space station

Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!"

Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers"

CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide

Seven Obama cousins found living in voting booth

US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria

US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force

Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber

Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check!

Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word

FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud

Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan'

Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them

World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you'

Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail'

Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crash

Dead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN

Biden calls taxes patriotic

Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter

Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected

KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists

Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter"

Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine"

Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby

Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart

Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked

Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan

Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals

International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes

Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement

February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so."

Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag

US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph

Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score

Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years

NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq

Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia

Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached

Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge

Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it.

Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day

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How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb?

Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint

Word of the day:
HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to Hussein

Obama: we have always been at peace with Hillary Clinton

Grand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt

Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans?

CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company

Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problem

Hillary supporters organize against Obama

Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists

Elian Gonzales - my kid is a Communist Party Honor Student

Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest

Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures

Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake

Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew'

NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station

Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans'

Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination

Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media

Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead

Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up

New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar

As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved

Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off

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Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket

Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it

International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma

Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator

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North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria

Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children!

Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools

Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich

Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise

Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich

Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare

Stop and smell the Sharpies

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy

Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month

NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes

Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes"

Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person"

Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself

New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey

KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next'

London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard

Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg

USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp

Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity

Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote

Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!'

Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement

To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam

NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp

Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General

Brokeback Mountain loses climber

NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on Mars

Las Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers

Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib

Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak

Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign

Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope

Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners

Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change

Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday

Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win

Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course

Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally

High school Meth teacher starts new class

Holy Mitt!

Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000%

Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick

Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive

"How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway

Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate

Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes

"Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad

New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline.

Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish'

NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others

Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough

Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress

Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news"

US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November

Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit.

LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead

USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller

Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia

MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home

Reid: The war on fire is lost

Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire

Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California

NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires

Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far.

Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore

Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed?

San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault

Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark

End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France

Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!"

Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland"

Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!"

Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics

Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants

CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground"

Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"

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Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart

Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming

To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama

Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes.

George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam

Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers

John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care

Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't kill

Democrats select 2008 presidential slogan:
"Death to America"

Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense

"Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues

Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's death

New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face

Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison

Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry

China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists

Al Gore to recall the Internet

Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month

First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle

Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead

William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package

Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis

Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program

Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos

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Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability

London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings

Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"

Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos"

Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship

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Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric

Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it?

US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in Iraq

US Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for?

Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"

MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!

Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page

As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem"

Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant

Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory

Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain"

Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey

Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists"

French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results

Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture

Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely

Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time

Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids

ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists'

Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops

Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling

Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision

Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves

Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases

Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro-
mote Global Warming Jelly

New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system

Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket

Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!"

Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up

Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards

Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries

Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again?

Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues

Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial

House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED

Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission

North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright

Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission

Is it time for Pinochet yet?

Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History

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