"It requires that everybody be covered. It requires that everybody get preventive care," he told a crowd sitting in lawn chairs in front of the Cedar County Courthouse. "If you are going to be in the system, you can't choose not to go to the doctor for 20 years. You have to go in and be checked and make sure that you are OK."
This prompted an immediate response from the Hillary Clinton campaign.
In a statement issued today Hillary mocked the North Carolina Senator.
"Ha...Twenty years? My health care plan calls for five minutes in the middle of the night. A simple house call by state doctors and a knock on the door at 3AM when you're given five minutes to pack one suitcase before you are taken by health care professionals to the nearest hospital if the state deems you unhealthy and not fit."
"Mammograms? Hell no, euthanasia. Leave it to the professionals to decide whether you are healthy or not. Simple diagnostic tests like if you're able to hold a shovel will determine your general heath."
I sure hope that happens. Then I'll never have to worry about health insurance costs. It will be so simple you just make one (large) payment and everything will be taken care of. From food to healthcare, and even what kind of family you can have.
Gone will be the days when a greedy kkkapitalist entrepreneur like Kaiser of Kaiser Steel can create a plan that people can willingly sign up for to receive healthcare. We can't have people helping others now can we?
I sure hope that happens. Then I'll never have to worry about health insurance costs. It will be so simple you just make one (large) payment and everything will be taken care of. From food to healthcare, and even what kind of family you can have.
Premier B and other komrades, thank you for reminding me on this issue.
As Kommisar of the Oz Stray-yan Greens I have become very savvy on healthcare issues. While we are very busy caring for the eco-enviro-cology, and so on...we at the Greens understand that most political parties have some kind of health care policy. I looked it up.
So, in between funding APEC summit protests (where our proud revolutionaries strongly resist the fascist police and their fascist horses), coddling the charms of the religion of peace, preventing the fascist Kristians from meddling with ovaries, the Strayan greens have formulated a very progressive healthcare policy.
Early in the policy list we mention the need for planning "for changing disease patterns arising from climate change".
I hope komrade Hillary notes our ability to work the glorious creed of climatology into HEALTH CARE. We mention it on no less than three more occasions in our health care policy list.
I'll just say it again: working CLIMATE CHANGE into HEALTHCARE.
HEALTH CARE!!!!
(Sorry komrades. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my own talent).
Naturally we have not as yet worked out what, exactly, some of those "diseases" might be. If anyone else in the kollective have suggestions on this I would be most grateful (preferably with as little science or pragmatism as possible)
If I may humbly make a suggestion regarding efficiency and saving of party resources...
Why even bring a suitcase?... From my own experiences in "waiting rooms" all one really needs is their People's Cube to bide the time - whatever time there may be... to drag along a suitcase that one must pack, is to waste the Party's resources in terms of time, and should one find themselves caught out with something terminal, the suitcase and its contents would then have to be processed before it could be given to the next deserving prole, rather than them simply moving into the ex-patient's residence and taking over from where the previous prole left off... the whole suitcase thing seems wholly unnecessary and redundant to me, as long as there is a ready supply of those paper gowns with the plastic tie strings, and should the Party feel magnanimous, paper booties...
AND if we are allowed to bring our Cubes with us (please forgive my, perhaps, inappropriate attachment to my People's Cube... it's only that it has seen me through so many hours in so many waiting rooms and I find the sheer redness of its squares so soporifically non-competitive and calming, and the twisting of those squares... always succeeding in aligning them correctly, so reassuring... and as it is so compact and each is exactly the same, there are none of the difficulties associated with suitcases and their contents which must needs have some differences... and therefore hold the potential for some form of competition, if only that one prole's suitcase and its contents is 'better', or more full, or more equal, than another's... you know how easily proles can backslide into even the most elemental of thoughtcrimes...)
The very sameness of each People's Cube makes it an ideal companion for any doctors visit and an ideal item for the Party to process should the patient not prove a viable returnee, as it were...
Uh, ok. With Hillary promising every god damn person everything, what the hell am I going to offer my useful idiots in the Labor industry? WTF? John Edwards guarenteeing everyone a "paycheck". Who is going to drive to work and strike? Holy crap. At least Obama has got it right...threatning to bomb Pakistan further into the stone age...helping to eliminate the flow of tech support outsourcing. We need those Paki's over here to help bolster the ranks.
I am starting to feel like a party stooge. Is it possible that the Socialist Democrats are using me? I'll keep on toeing the party line, sending millions, harrasing future rank and file, but just because I am out there busting heads, doesn't mean I have to like it. (Ok, I like it) BTW, did you all sign your card checks? Get em in.
The Hillderbeast only wants what's best for us, the unwashed, illiterate, Bushitler-supporting, warmongering, brainwashed proletariat dregs. Who are you to question her, lest of all mock her?
Really, Comrade, you need to accept who's buttering your bread - and if she has her way, who will be the sole source of making and distributing it. (And I don't mean Wal-Mart, on whose board she sat/sits her double-wide ass).
The Hillderbeast is the smartest, most moral, most enlightened and most caring woman ever to step foot on Earth. And we would all be greedy uncaring capitalist scum if we didn't wholeheartedly endorse her grand vision for placing all our enterprises, all our lives, all our choices, and all our bodies under her rule (or at least that of her acolyte leg-humping worshippers).
Guess I really told you!!!
Take that, Comrade.
Yours,
JonQuixote
(PS: OK, now I've driven myself nauseus, trying to think like a leftist Hillary worshipper. Ugh. Thanks!!!)
Whoa there, Union Boss! The Party understands you have to wave that cookie in front of your drones to get them to...errhhmmm... "do things". We all know about getting people to "do things"... and that is why nothing will scare your worker bees more than threatening them with the wall or making “marks” or “comments” in their State Work Record. Here, let us do a few exercises to help you understand a little clearly how the Party gets others to "do things".
Union member: Hell no, Boss! We aren't picketing since the Party is paying us a generous paycheck and ensuring that all our needs, wants and carnal desires are met by the Nanny-State!
Union Boss: Oh no, you will picket and you will smile while you picket... OR ELSE UP AGAINST THE WALL WITH YA!
Union Member: <pisses pants> Yes, sir! Right away, sir! Do you want to sleep with my wife, sir? Anything for the Party and the People, sir!!!
See? See how threatening the unwashed masses with The Wall works so well? There is no need to dangle that cookie anymore when we obtain power since we, the Party and all her servants, will be hoarding those cookies for ourselves! Let us try another exercise, my personal favorite:
Apparatchik:Comrade Chairman, I can no longer work in Department 34589/G - 6-5 due to my family and the hardships we are going through.
Me: Oh, I see... hmmm... this is troubling. Are you and your family starving?
Apparatchik: Yes, Comrade Chairman. I have no other choice but to hold down several more jobs to put bread on the floor.
Me: Yes, well, I will be placing your lack of being a team player in your State Work Record.
Apparatchik: But...
Me: Not a word, comrade! I am not finished! You have been slacking since you started here twenty years ago and I'm not the least bit amused! This kind of thing doesn't happen in Department 34589/G - 6-5! Perhaps it happens in Department 34234/H - 9-8, but never in Department 34589/G - 6-5! You should be ashamed and I have no choice but to put this latest failure in your State Work Record!
Apparatchik: No! Please! They will put me up against the wall if I have an infraction on my State Work Record! What about my family, Comrade Chairman!? WHAT ABOUT MY FAMILY!?
Me: Now, now... your kids will be fine in state-run orphanage and I'm sure your wife will suffice selling her body for a few Rubles. You know the policy, comrade... one strike and you're out! And not being a team player is enough grounds for an infraction.
Apparatchik: Please! I will work harder! Chain me to my desk if you have to!
Me: Chain you to your desk? Oh, all right... I guess I can be merciful and chain you to your desk. Yuri, help Comrade Kirov to his desk and put the chain around his ankle.
Apparatchik: Oh thank you, Comrade Chairman! Thank you! Now what about my family? Will my being here and working overtime ensure their survival???
Me: Ummmmmm........ NO. How will they be able to survive if their father/husband is not their to provide for them when he is too busy working overtime here at HQ??? No, your kids will be A-OK in a state-run orphanage and your wife will do just fine whoring for bread. I'm sorry, comrade... but the State is more important. You do want to be a team player, don't you? Oh, and before you are dragged out by Yuri: your wife is the blonde tart with the great rack, right? Hmm, I thought so. Go on, Yuri; escort Comrade Kirov to his new permanent residence. I will take the time out of my busy schedule to take Mrs. Kirov out for lunch and possibly dinner and a movie.
Apparatchik: <uncontrollable crying as he is dragged out of my office and chained to his desk outside>.
Me: Awwah! Look how happy he is since our little talk! Why, he can barely contain his tears of joy! Ugh, this is why I do it. This is why I toil for the Party the way I do. I do it for proles like Comrade Kirov and his family. I do it…. FOR THE CHILDREN.
There you go, Union Boss. Two great examples of how to get your Useful-Idiots to “do things” for the Greater Good.
My beloved Sister Massivly Opiated, it seems to me that you are using the word "my" far too much: "my People's Cube" and an inferred "my suitcase" full of "my things." Every good party member knows that property is theft and that there is no "my" in the phrase "proper collective society." Please, for your own mental heaalth and that of the chldren, who should never be exposed to the concept of personal ownership of anything--goods, responsibility, thought--engage in an immediate self-criticism session and renounce your thought crimes of ownership.
As to the relative merits of the proposed health plans, it must be revealed that Senator Edwards includes not only state-provided, mandatory health care, but also state-provided mandatory hair care, and is thus clearly superior. We shall be a nation of perfectly coifed superpersons as a result. Think of it comrades! A million iron-jawed chins thrust confidently into the future (thanks to the People's Prosthetic Dental Services)! A million steely eyes gazing on the fruits of Socialist labor (thanks to the People's Eye Clinics and the stainlees steel "Gimlet" line of replacement eyeballs--only one to a comrade, please)! A million perfectly parted haircuts lying atop a million brains thinking the same thoughts toward the Dear Leader....
Okay, perhaps a million survivors of the implementation of the Edwards Health Care Plan is optimistic, but even five hundred thousand perfect, empty heads would be impressive and well worth the cost for the greater good.
Dahlinks! Dahlinks! Yes, we must look towards 2008 so that Supreme Leader Hiliary will help our Party reach its fruition but we must think of ways to make these master plans permanent! Comrade Edwards is on the right track with his plan costing $120 billion per year. That is a drop in the bucket, comrades! We must find a way to make it more. Maybe we should make the people work for their healthcare and feed them a bit of water and bread while they are waiting in line? It will make the masses too weak to protest and with the quality of healthcare under the Plan, they will never regain their strength.
No, No, No! The People must never work for anything! They might start thinking that they deserve something in return for their labor. Everything is provided by the state free of charge and is paid for by expropriating the ill-gained lucre of the wealthy.
Comrade Betinov is scoring some serious points with his Prolier than Thou disposition. Your loyalty and urge to chirp at others for not toeing the Party line will be well rewarded, comrade Betinov... the Party always favors those steeped in revolutionary fervor and selfless zeal. I bet you would sacrifice an entire village for the Common Good, wouldn’t you, comrade Betinov?
HOWEVER... it isn't prudent to correct members within the Politburo for displaying possession in either word or deed. After all, the People did choose the Party to have ownership over EVERYTHING in the name of the Common Good. It is our duty and mandate to control and have ownership over all things great and small to make sure it is all handed out evenly amongst the People. You wouldn't want to hinder us from serving the People, now would you, comrade Betinov? I mean... that wouldn't reflect well in your State Work Record or your KGB dossier.
Natasha dear, I think you misplaced a decimal point. These nationalized health care programs will have a budget of at least $1.2 TRILLION (increasing each year). But what is a mere decimal to the Party?
Of course, the masses will never believe that they are going to pay a far higher price for this socialized medicine and get less care (both quality and quantity/availability). Our comrade Mikael 'Goebbels' Moore will simply make more 'documentaries' highlighting the glories of the state health system!
The sheep will drink the "Party Truth" and believe that the "rich" will be "punished" by the left (who is funded by said rich) taxing them. These useful idiots will never question why they have less and less net pay and at the same time have to wait longer and longer for increasingly meager services.
Well, those pesky conservatives will question, but when they are disarmed by the Party, their voices will be silenced......
Question for Comrade Edwards: What happens if one fails to show up for their mandatory exam?
My beloved Sister Massivly Opiated, it seems to me that you are using the word "my" far too much: "my People's Cube" and an inferred "my suitcase" full of "my things." Every good party member knows that property is theft and that there is no "my" in the phrase "proper collective society." Please, for your own mental heaalth and that of the chldren, who should never be exposed to the concept of personal ownership of anything--goods, responsibility, thought--engage in an immediate self-criticism session and renounce your thought crimes of ownership.
My Beloved Comrade Ivan Betinov,
I certainly understand what you mean. In thanks for Your esteemed wisdom, I think I will send one of My Limousines from My Kommissariate to pick you up at Your residence, and bring you to a place where you will receive a very special reward of My devising...
Yours truly
Sister Massively Opiated
Kommissar of Housekeeping, Disappearances, Composting, Dissection and Limo Service.
Comrade Betinov is scoring some serious points with his Prolier than Thou disposition. Your loyalty and urge to chirp at others for not toeing the Party line will be well rewarded, comrade Betinov... the Party always favors those steeped in revolutionary fervor and selfless zeal. I bet you would sacrifice an entire village for the Common Good, wouldn’t you, comrade Betinov?
HOWEVER... it isn't prudent to correct members within the Politburo for displaying possession in either word or deed. After all, the People did choose the Party to have ownership over EVERYTHING in the name of the Common Good. It is our duty and mandate to control and have ownership over all things great and small to make sure it is all handed out evenly amongst the People. You wouldn't want to hinder us from serving the People, now would you, comrade Betinov? I mean... that wouldn't reflect well in your State Work Record or your KGB dossier.
Just a suggestion.
Meowsevitch Darling...
No worries please... calm yourself... I was just running short of potential necro-proxies and I do my best work on those who truly earn the honour... Shall I give you a ring to come have a look at the work?... Besides... you know that nobody f**ks with my cube... Fidel, the Trotsky Monster tries each full moon to steal it and paint each square a different colour, and yet, I prevail... it is that some do not realize that it is a tool... a very necessary tool for maintaining Sister's calm demeanor, and that to deny her the soothing spinning of its squares into their eternally correct position brings strife, which can only have a detrimental effect on the entire kollektive... but they will learn, will they not?...
BTW - would you prefer a Merlot or perhaps a spicy Ripasso with dinner... I believe the Ostrich has been cooked to perfection and the filet is so tender it will melt in your mouth... I would like to make sure they are decanted with enough time to breath...
Comrades, I apologize for not having been here over the Labor Day weekend. I have had a breakdown. Every night when I go to bed my cube is perfectly red, as it should be. SMO tells me over and over that it should be red, and what shade of red and no redder than hers, of course, except when my birthday coincides with Lenin's birthday which never seems to happen but she says that good things happen to those who wait.
But when I wake up, my cube is painted in different colors. I have carefully checked the cat but he seems unable to hold a paint brush, and being a cat he's not interested in something which smells of work. Therefore I can only think that I have started having visits from a succubus seduces me every night into abandoning my socialist vows and makes me paint my cube.
To counteract that I have burned 1,000 copies of The Fountainhead but it is of no use. Every morning my cube, which at night is of the proper SMO-approved crimson hue, becomes rainbow colored.
And it's not Bruno. Black is the new rainbow. Just as 59 is the new 58, according to Algore on Larry King. And my head hurts. But I can't sleep it off because I've run out of red cubes.
You have an Trotsky monster infestation... I think I'd better put together a information page on the Trotsky Monster and how to deal with recurrent infestations (as they are Nospurratu's, and so return with each full moon... yep... you gotta keep killing them or they'll steal your People's Cubes and your butter... and coffee, the little bastards... )...
First introduced in post 11866 - please ignore the picture of me and scroll down to see The Creature... a discussion ensued concerning said Trotsky monster - it goes on to page two and continues for some time, chronicling the events over the course of several weeks, wherein I discovered I had an infestation and tried a number of ways of dealing with it... it seemed to have worked but I think it was only that summer came and to the Norpurratu moved outdoors to raid the gardens of neighbouring Dachas... with the impending winter, he has moved back inside and I fear we will once again have to hide our butter from him...
In any case, if everyone will be patient with me, I will put together a bulletin explaining the basic history and biology of the Progressive Trotsky Monster (Norpurratus have the uncanny ability to appear like Ushenkas, thereby tricking unwary Cubists into ignoring them... it was Red who discovered this particularly disturbing trait)... The little freak even stole my cube and got into the closet with it... he'd managed to paint a number of the squares different colours before I wrestled it away from him and ruined one of my favourite and best knives by stabbing him in the top of the skull...
Until I can provide the appropriate information, anyone interested has the link to the first Norpurratu post, and can follow subsequent posts concerning this seemingly harmless pest... I say seemingly, because you have to sleep some time...
I stand corrected and see the error of my ways. Having been blinded by the pure light of Marxism-Leninism and dizzy with my success of driving the People's Tractor from the People's Collective Farm #6642071321 just outside of Magentogorsk to the glorious People's Central Government Complex with only thirteen major mechanical breakdowns, I mistakenly applied Progressive Ideals without application of the Party maxim "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his status within the Party hierarchy." I am but a simple collective farm boy, fresh from the fields and still overwhelmed by the glorious buildings (some of them even THREE STORIES high!) and the almost uninterupted supply of electrical power on even numbered days.
I am mortified by this breach of Party manners and it was certainly not my intent to appear Holier than Mao. I have already sent word to the Collective to send my niece Amichka to Siberia in atonement.
In addition, I hereby offer my body up to the greater good of Soviet medicine. What need have I for two eyes when one will do? My Progressive brother needs a new liver to keep up with his state mandated vodka consumption target goal? Take half of mine. The Party needs to make a quick buck to cover an excessive bar tab? I have two kidneys, comrades; just leave me one and a bucket of ice. And as for the brain? What need have I of a brain if the Party does all my thinking for me?
Comrade Sister Massively Opiated, Chairman Punchenko:
I stand corrected and see the error of my ways. Having been blinded by the pure light of Marxism-Leninism and dizzy with my success of driving the People's Tractor from the People's Collective Farm #6642071321 just outside of Magentogorsk to the glorious People's Central Government Complex with only thirteen major mechanical breakdowns, I mistakenly applied Progressive Ideals without application of the Party maxim "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his status within the Party hierarchy." I am but a simple collective farm boy, fresh from the fields and still overwhelmed by the glorious buildings (some of them even THREE STORIES high!) and the almost uninterupted supply of electrical power on even numbered days.
I am mortified by this breach of Party manners and it was certainly not my intent to appear Holier than Mao. I have already sent word to the Collective to send my niece Amichka to Siberia in atonement.
In addition, I hereby offer my body up to the greater good of Soviet medicine. What need have I for two eyes when one will do? My Progressive brother needs a new liver to keep up with his state mandated vodka consumption target goal? Take half of mine. The Party needs to make a quick buck to cover an excessive bar tab? I have two kidneys, comrades; just leave me one and a bucket of ice. And as for the brain? What need have I of a brain if the Party does all my thinking for me?
Hey Meow,
You know, this isn't bad, considering he wrote while his brain was in a jar... waddya think?... thumbs up or thumbs down?... I leave it to you, as always, but should you be in a magnanimous mood, I'll just leave this on your desk...
SMO
///sets Insta-Power-Abuse slip on Meow's guilded Louis XIV desk/// -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet and rightfully elected by the People with the consent of the People’s chosen deputies ///snicker…snort!/// I, MEOWSEVICH S. PUNCHENKO, on DATE in the year of our sovereign Empress, Hillary Rodham Clinton, with the power vested in me by the left hand of Her Excellency and the by powers of the Soviet constitution as outlined in section {insert section and number you wish to abuse here ?} 121 #11: hereby {insert power you wish to abuse here ?}PARDON {insert name here ?} PROLE: for committing the thoughtcrime(s) {insert crime against the state here ?} EVERYTHING : and will place full blame {insert individual/group name here ?}PROLE(S): for all crimes against the State, the Party and the People.
For crimes committed against the State, the Party and the People, I, MEOWSEVICH S. PUNCHENKO, hereby condemn the {insert individual/group name here ?} PROLE(S): to accept the rightful punishment(s) chosen for him/her/it/them by the People to include {insert punishment(s) here ?} CONFISCATION OF PROPERTY, FORCED LABOR, EXECUTION: and for these punishment(s) to be carried out {insert a time best for you here ?} NOW: as decreed by the State, the Party and the People.
NOTE: As of 1/5/03, boxes on the Insta-Power-Abuse slips DO NOT have to be checked anymore for order specifications to be carried out. This is partly due to failure of Commissars to properly check the boxes which led to a Tuttle/Buttle like incident. Please insert as directed the appropriate information needed. Once again, THE BOXES DO NOT HAVE TO BE CHECKED.
NOTE: Both RED SLIPS and BLUE SLIPS are to be kept by the firing squad and are to be submitted with NAME and ADDRESS of the accused/executed so that the bill for the bullet(s) and/or poodle(s) may be mailed. Please submit both RED SLIPS and BLUE SLIPS to the Office of Party Billing, Slush Funds and Off-Shore Accounts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meow: please note the change in policy re: billing of next of kollektive for ammunition used in processing of accused - we are now billing for both bullet AND poodles. As per note of 1/5/03, boxes on the Insta-Power-Abuse slips DO NOT have to be checked with regard to type of ammunition used in processing. Once again, THE BOXES DO NOT HAVE TO BE CHECKED.
///scrawls p.s./// Oh... before I forget, you'll get a kick out of this... Heheheh... other day, accused actually asked if we vaccinated the poodles for rabies and distemper before discharging them... heheheheh...
Best
SMO
///humming to herself as she saunters off... Braaaziilllll... where hearts were entertaining June... We stood beneath an amber moon... dah dah dah dah dah dah dah daaahhhhh... daahhhh daahhhh.... daahhhhh daah......///
I have just received an email from a toiling worker who was so inspired by Ivan Betinov's new avatar (Inner Comrade™) that he proposed to take this idea further and make a Party Organ Donor card.
Toiling Worker Tim wrote
...you need to make up a Party Organ Donor card. Something about giving to the Party is patriotic and therefore required, your death is not necessary for organs to be harvested, each donor will be compensated with a Certificate of Compliance stating the donor has met his/her obligation for now.
Thanks for you time, now its back to my gulag-cubicle.
This will be our first test assignment to our new member Betinov, which will decide whether his organs are indeed worth the jars they are stored in. He can use his earlier statement and rearrange the words slightly so that it looks more like a binding legal document.
Ivan Betinov wrote
I hereby offer my body up to the greater good of Soviet medicine. What need have I for two eyes when one will do? My Progressive brother needs a new liver to keep up with his state mandated vodka consumption target goal? Take half of mine. The Party needs to make a quick buck to cover an excessive bar tab? I have two kidneys, comrades; just leave me one and a bucket of ice. And as for the brain? What need have I of a brain if the Party does all my thinking for me?
Thanks, Sis, for placing that Insta-Power-Abuse slip on my very lovely gilded desk (we will not go into detail if the desk indeed belonged to Louis… not with these proles lurking around and pointing fingers at “extravagance”).
Yes, yes… Comrade Betinov’s apology was well received and the sacrificing of his niece for the Greater Good earns him points as well. I’m sure she will have a fine time starving to death and chiseling blocks of ice for the Greater Good of the People. And speaking of the People, I think the People (all our new comrades now joining us) can learn a thing or two from Comrade Betinov. Yes, so far he has blamed someone else for his shortcomings, sacrificed someone he “loves” or “cares” about on behalf of the State, denounced others for not toeing the Party line and also – and this is very nice I must say – he donated his brain to the Party and the People to further advance Soviet medicine. Comrade Betinov is indeed trying very hard to become the Communist New Man and I have to give him (and others equally, mind you) credit for that.
With all that crap above said, I will add that Comrade Betinov is officially the Party’s pet and for now on I will ask other comrades (who are lacking the blind obedience and total disregard for humyn life that the Party so enthusiastically demands of her members) why they can’t be more like Comrade Betinov.
Congratulations, Comrade Betinov! You are now the Marsha Brady of the Collective!
Draft Proposal
Text of People's Party Organ Donor Card Mandate
All Rights Credited to the Party
WHEREAS the individual is beholden to the Greater Good and the Party is the guardian thereof, AND
WHEREAS there exists an unequal distribution of vital body parts, AND
WHEREAS from time to time it suits the needs of the Party to sell organs and various bodily parts on the left, AND
WHEREAS it is the patriotic duty of every Party member to give until it hurts and beyond,
BE IT THEREFOR RESOLVED:
1. All participants in Hillary Care will voluntarily sign up for a Party Organ Donor Card. Failure to comply will result in termination of all health benefits, confiscation of all property, and immediate execution.
2. Holders of the Party Organ Donor Card will surrender on demand by duly authorized Party Officials any and all such organs as are required by the State for the Greater Good.
3. Holders of the Party Organ Donor Card will be recognized for their contributions in the following manner:
--For the first major or the first two minor organs donated, the Card holder will receive five carbon offset credits and a certificate of compliance suitable for framing.
--For the second major or fourth minor organs donated, the Card holder will receive a lifetime bus pass good for free travel on all public transportation in Minsk during off-peak hours and an additional certificate of compliance suitable for framing.
--For the third major organ donated the Card holder will receive a full color picture of the beloved comrade Hillary Clinton and a Xeroxed letter of appreciation signed with her own personal rubber stamp and an additional certificate of compliance suitable for framing.
--For each additional organ donated the Card holder will be allowed to jump forward two spaces in line at any Collective store and will receive a certificate of compliance suitable for framing.
Brillant, Comrade Betinov! Absolutely brilliant! All I need you to do now is sign my name at the bottom and fax it over to my secretary (the one I'm not sleeping with) so I can hand it into Her Excellency tomorrow morning and take full credit for your work. Ugh... why can't everyone else be more like Comrade Betinov!? If there was a Comrade Betinov in every child's class we wouldn't have to worry about low standarized test scores, now would we?? We also wouldn't have to worry about all the work our poor underpaid and underappreciated educators have to deal with since Comrade Betinov would be there to do it for them, now would we??
Everyone be more like Comrade Betinov so we won't have to throw you up against the wall before your time... oh, and so we won't have to scratch catty comments in your State Work Record also. It's a bitch having to actually write something in those damn work records... takes forever and makes my hand get tired and stuff. Ugh! WORK! UGH!
Thank you comrade Chairman! The first merit badge I received in the Young Pioneers was for boot licking and ass kissing and I have always been very good at it, thanks to the education provided at the Komsomol school.
By the way, I have finished waxing the Rolls. May I have the keys to the Lexus so I can get to work on the carpet stains?
And so, once again the Cube is at peace... From each according to his ability, to each according to his need... and to the loyal, a milkbone and a scratch behind the ear...
The preceding Morality Play "Comrade Betinov Goes to Party Central Headquarters" was brought to you by a generous grant from the NEH and Geoge Soros. The producers wish to extend special thanks to Comrades Sister Massively Opiated and Chairman M.S. Punchenko for their roles in demonstrating how easily seductive the Party's doctrines can be to the freshly arrived fellow traveller.
We must all redouble our efforts to propagandize our progressive ideology among the toiling masses so that every Young Pioneer would want to become a selfless "model worker" and Hero of Socialist Labor like Ivan Betinov!
Click on the medal, comrade Betinov!
Continue to work double shifts and spare no effort nor yourselves in the fields of Progressive Arts and Party-Approved Entertainment! You don't have much to do at home anyway, not in that government-subsidized communal rat hole we gave you, and there's nothing on TV except the same Party-Approved Entertainment anyway.
/// packs five suitcases preparing to leave for a month-long vacation at the government-subsidized Writers Union 20-room dacha ///
We must all redouble our efforts to propagandize our progressive ideology among the toiling masses so that every Young Pioneer would want to become a selfless "model worker" and Hero of Socialist Labor like Ivan Betinov!
Continue to work double shifts and spare no effort nor yourselves in the fields of Progressive Arts and Party-Approved Entertainment! You don't have much to do at home anyway, not in that government-subsidized communal rat hole we gave you, and there's nothing on TV except the same Party-Approved Entertainment anyway.
It occurs to me that with the coming of the cold months, and the inevitable influx of The Progressive Trotsky Monsters seeking shelter in every government subsidized communal rat-hole they can infiltrate... stealing our People's Cubes (they are like magpies who like red things! But that is an insult to magpies...), our butter and our coffee, not to mention sitting around pretending to be Ushankas and Budenovkas, and then biting us in our sleep and drinking our blood (red again!... but then they are Nospurratu... ) that we don't have an Official Nospurratur Catcher at the Cube... A sort of Pied Piper of Potymkingrad. It will be a painful job, given the little bastards' pentient for biting... or rather, tasting helpless proles in their sleep - sometimes they don't so much puncture and drink as nibble, the disgusting creatures... But perhaps the removal of the Nospurratu Catcher's brain will dampen the pain centres in some of the workers (it certainly couldn't hurt in the production of Party-Approved Entertainment as it now exists)... it is just a thought, and I will have to complete the gathering of information I have begun in order to put out the information page we had discussed, but perhaps it is a solution for one who wishes to serve the party so diligently, but who has already donated his brain. And I believe that the removal of the brain, against what one would instinctively hold to be true, actually makes the worker faster at certain tasks as it frees them up from unnecessary extemporaneous decision making,
and distractions removed, they are quick to focus solely on running down the grey felt-like vermin and bashing them to death...
Is just a thought... and I would, of course, lament the loss of targets, but sometimes one must allow priorities to hold sway and certainly, in the dark months, coffee is a priority... and although the poodles keep us warm, we can always just sheer them and use their hair for clothing... I will work up a pro forma CBA and forward my findings to the Caymans branch of the Party Accounting and Oversight Office.
I would certainly like to welcome Comrade Betinov as well! Dare I say he has even surpassed yours truly in the art of sucking up? He will be a welcome addition no doubt!
To try and get in the spirit of HillaryCare, as Commissar of EcoProstitution and Mental Health, I have ordered all Party Pleasure Palaces to immediately implement free medical checkups to everyone who enters the premises, regardless of the reason for entering said premises. After examining my database, it is clear that will cover a sizable proportion of the country, and for that matter, most everyone here at the Cube it would appear.
Deep Breaths... she is overwhelming, is she not?... and it is very easy to become overwrought, especially when one's brain is so far from the rest of the comrade...
I often find when I'm overwhelmed that gazing upon Laika helps... Laika is calming, yet inspirational... A friend of the People; gentle, yet of firm paw... Noble of whisker, and keen of mind and wise in tooth. He guides us in rightness... we will have to make sure we have your tinfoil hat properly refitted for your brain so that no untoward discomfort results from the salinity of the medium it floats in coming in contact with the metal of your receiver. In the mean time, gaze upon Laika and I'm sure you will be comforted...
we will have to make sure we have your tinfoil hat properly refitted for your brain so that no untoward discomfort results from the salinity of the medium it floats in coming in contact with the metal of your receiver.
I understood he had donated his brain? Finding a tin hat for that jar should prove to be no problem.
Just because he's donated his brain, doesn't mean he still can't use it... or that it somehow isn't using him... and he was clearly overwrought by his experience of clicking on the medal of HRC... I wouldn't want the brain to overheat, and since no one took the tinfoil hat off the brain before it got put in the salty solution it now resides in, there was quite a current building up... and frankly, you've not seen a mess till you've seen poached brain sprayed all over the inside of a jar... and the smell... well... never mind the smell...
... and I want to use the brain (I've been working on some things with the necro-proxies)... a brain is a terrible thing to waste... so I simply sought to cool down the brain and find a way to keep the hat away from the salt in its briny home... and Laika seemed the surest way... just as your suggestion for putting the tinfoil hat on the jar makes a great deal of sense (as long as no one mistakes it for something bound for the oven... which is not as infrequent a mistake as you might imagine... and a brain is a terrible thing to taste)...
... Pup... you'll have to excuse Sister... it's been a very trying day, what with the weather and my arthritis and this damnable word game... the air quality in Toronto is very poor - we have a smog alert in September, for goodness sake, and it's clogging up the rebreathers, giving me a headache and making my allergies unhappy, and it is supposed to continue for several days... never good with all my autoimmune problems and the immunosuppressants I'm on as they tend to make me susceptible to respiratory infections and with all the little ones back in school now, sharing all their germs, I always end up with something this time of year and the smog will only make this more likely... we had record temperatures today and everyone is very grumpy because it is as if you could chew the air... and the whole Bread and Butter thing really got to me... I think I woke up on the wrong side of the tank today and tomorrow is promising to be just as meteorologically challenged - it's not even supposed to go below 72F tonight and they are actually forecasting for it to be between 75 and 80 overnight... fine for my friends in Nawleans who are used to this type of climate, but very strange for this time of year in Toronto... and I have too much to do and don't feel like doing anything... and my cousin left to go back to Australia this afternoon and her mother is not doing well and so I am sad as well...
I know, I know... I am complaining terribly, but what is a dolphin to do, Kommissar or no?... I am going to bed shortly and will be setting the alarm for early to take advantage of whatever cool the early morning will provide, as it is supposed to go up to between 91 and 94 again tomorrow, AND we are supposed to have thunderstorms, which although I enjoy them a great deal, tend to make me hurt because of the changes in air pressure... I am just waiting for the more seasonable weather that is supposed to come around by about Saturday night... But I still have to endure one more day of this cruddy air and heat, and try to get some things accomplished - I will water the garden first thing and then try and do as much of the physical work around here as I can before it gets too grungy, and then I'll work on easier things... though I did finish another commission piece this afternoon (dolphins also make art on demand for money! This was a beaded cover for a Jewish religious scroll - anathema, I know, but we can purge them after the high holidays... ), and so is finished just in time for the Jewish New Year and I am quite pleased with it, as are they, which is what matters most to Sister... I have two more to finish and would like to have all done by Monday as the Jewish New Year is beginning on Wednesday evening, so I will try to have one done by tomorrow night... I am not religious, but as it is a religious article, it seems incorrect to work on it on the Sabbath... and the last I will finish on Sunday... In the mean time, the breeze brings a foul wind into the apartment - you can smell the air it is so bad, and it leaves a metallic taste in my mouth... even the cat is out of sorts...
I did get some good news today though - a group of pieces that were made for a show last year and which have since been in shows in NYC and Boston, are to go to Montreal to be exhibited... my Mother and I made them and they are some of my favourite pieces - I cannot sell them... do not want to sell them, but it is nice to have them seen.
In any case, you will have to please excuse Sister for her moodiness... there is too much going on in unpleasant circumstances.... and I'm always grumpy when Theocritus disappears for several days...
Ah, so he can borrow the brain as needed then? I assume though it is a communal brain now, that all can share..... of course some of us, being more equal than others, can share it more Da?
I am sorry to hear you suffering from the Glorious Global Warming. It's a funny thing though, this Global Warming. I swear, while it still gets pretty darn warm down here, these past few summers have almost seemed mild to this Pup. We haven't had any real droughts this year, and the amount of rain we have had has helped keep it reasonable. I heard on the radio the other day that Texas was 100% drought free for the first time in 15 years.
Of course you may use the brain... It is not mine - I am only conducting necro-proxy experiments on it and trying to keep it becalmed for purely humane reasons, it so recently having been separated from its previous owner... it is clearly a party organ...
I am pleased to hear you enjoy Jewish music... I am assuming you mean Klezmer... though there is some very good classical Jewish music - for instance, Kol Nidre - the prayer sung on Yom Kippur which is the Day of Atonement - means All Vows and is in many ways a legal liturgy... asking forgiveness of unfulfilled Vows and for wrongdoings committed by the individual - the individual must recite it for himself and ultimately, must ask the person or people he has wronged for forgiveness... as well as asking God... and so it has both religious and legal implications - it requires that the individual take personal responsibility to another individual he has wronged and to ask their forgiveness... but there are many classical performances of it that are quite striking and it is an haunting lament... very beautiful... Klezmir, on the other hand, is the traditional Jewish music one hears 'itinerant' musicians play - the music we think of with clarinets and violins... like in Fiddler on the Roof... so there are many Jewish musical traditions, just as there are many Christian and Muslim musical traditions... or Buddhist and Hindu for that matter... Sister enjoys Javanese and Balanese gamalon music, which is quite raucous sometimes, but can also be quite soothing... also, I like North African music quite a bit, and traditional Pakistani music by musicians such as Nusrat Fatah Ali Khan... but I also love Classical religious music... Pergolesi's Stabat Mater is one of my favourites (if you are not familiar with it, it means Sorrowing Mother)... but even traditional chanting is quite beautiful... then of course, I also listen to Industrial and Punk music... as well as good old fashioned blues... I do not enjoy either Country or Western...
More details about John Edwards's plan are being revealed. This is from a new site recently started by a beginning cartoonist who is really good at what he/she/it does. Will have to find out the gender (or at least the gender identity) of the author.
And the site's name is - Comrade Otis, you gotta hear this - Red Planet! I discovered it because it has a link to the Cube.
Ooo. I have seen Red Planet before.... Egads I am glad I went there from your link... how many times have I used the expression "kumbahyah" here? Oh, and cheer up! Why, just tonight I saw where our progressives have already started printing up their Iran bumperstickers... US/Iran Start Counting the Body Bags and other typical stuff.
More details about John Edwards's plan are being revealed. This is from a new site recently started by a beginning cartoonist who is really good at what he/she/it does. Will have to find out the gender (or at least the gender identity) of the author. And the site's name is - Comrade Otis, you gotta hear this - Red Planet! I discovered it because it has a link to the Cube.
http://www.redplanetcartoons.com
OoooOOOoooh! Peace scarf will go perfectly with my Baader-Meinhof/RAF Swing Coat for Der Deutsche Herbst...
Good News Comrades!
Hillary to Unveil $110 Billion Universal Health Care Plan
DES MOINES, Iowa — Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton is unveiling a sweeping health care reform proposal Monday that would require every American to carry health insurance and offer federal subsidies to help reduce the cost of coverage.
....Ah, and she is employing one of my favorite words...
The centerpiece of Clinton's plan is the so-called "individual mandate," requiring everyone to have health insurance — just as most states require drivers to purchase auto insurance.
And as you can be sure, do not worry about that paltry $100 billion, for we know that is just a figure to throw out there, and we will find much much more money taken from those greedy capitalists!
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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TIPTON IOWA -- Presidential hopeful John Edwards yesterday stated that his 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
