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Competition
is a barbaric, insensitive
ritual that reeks of social
Darwinism. We cannot allow
the fittest to survive on
our pages. Your loss is someone
else's gain, and your gain
is someone else's loss. Therefore,
losers contribute to the
society and winners take
away from it. Being a winner
is unethical, while a society
of losers is happy and striving
as a collective. In the spirit
of diversity, inclusiveness,
and collectivism our contests
shall have no winners. Everyone
is declared a loser, which
in our book means an ethical
team player.
Comrade Jeff Foxworthy has suggested that we compile a list of signs of thoughtcrime, similar to the one he has compiled for the red-state, bush-voting, fly-over, flag-waving Americans who for whatever counter-revolutionary reason go under the name of "red" necks. For instance, "You might be guilty of a thoughtcrime if you think Hillary really gives a damn about The Common Good™."
Komrade Palimpsest, surely you realize all litterature is to be tossed down the memory hole. I suggest you toss such ridiculous propaganda. I am sending you an extra copy of Dude, Where's My Country? for good measure.
As Comrade Citizen J has noted elsewhere in this forum, Orwell's 1984 is actually a blueprint, "cleverly disguised as a book", for the creation of the inevitable totalitarian state. It details all of the techniques that we and our fellow travelers have been using to control thought and crush individualism in order to promote true progressive collectivism.
But, by all means, please send me a copy of Dude, Where's My Country?--as I've often wondered the same thing. Be sure to use the government post office, not one of those capitalist shipping entities!
Dr. P, I am confused. To me it seems that the novel 1984 was an obvious attempt by the capital pig, Orwell, to try and villify the glorious inevitable future that he saw!! Perhaps I was wrong in this asessment; I am always on guard for those who would do in the glorious future we have in store for Amerika.
You've gotta learn to read between the lines.
Repeat after me: 2 + 2 = 5.
...if you think Martha Stewart was NOT guilty. (corrected by Red Eye)
That's a horrible thought crime, Citizen Betty, to think that Martha Stewart was not guilty. She was guilty already when she hired her first employee and made first capitalistic profit by exploiting that poor person. The rest of her life is too horrible to contemplate. We generally oppose death penalty (until the revolution arrives) but in Martha Stewart's case the Party is willing to make an exception. Remember - developing class envy and encouraging the People to count other People's money are important elements in conditioning Americans for the revolution.
Your title of the Kommissar is suspended until you repent and undergo a series of self-criticism sessions with an outpatient gulag program at the Karl Marx Treatment Center.
Red Eye
I am sorry for that mistake, I thought that all the cult groups that worship Martha Stewart in their insanity could be used as useful idiots by us to quicken the comming of the revolution. After several sessions of self-criticism classes I understand my mistake and feel horrible for making it.
...if you're here for the hippy pussy.
...if you use your capitalist exploitation units for anything EXCEPT Party-approved dry goods.
...if you think the French are latent homosexuals.
...if you own an SUV. (I don't care if you have a "Kucinich for President" bumper sticker or other assorted progressive propaganda plastered all over it.)
...if you flush the toilet after each use. (What a selfish waste of water.)
...if you take more than one shower a week. (see parenthetical phrase above.)
...if you don't own a pair of Birkenstocks.
...if you don't maintain a compost pile, for organic gardening, in your backyard.
...if you think trees should be used for anything other than climbing or looking at.
...if you, oh sorry; gotta run, my falafel is burning...
...you think that invading Iraq actually helps the war on terrorism.
...you "support the troops".
...you think Hillary and Chucky are pigs.
...you think Islamist Extremists are "evil".
...you don't think Islam is "the religion of peace".
...you think Islam is the "religion of piece".
Comrade, despite your taking the name of the most evil of capitalist profit-whores (no doubt in satire -- though you think too much...), you certainly have the idea. "Thinking" is an outmoded concept, and should only be done by the one and only licensed Party Brain.
You are guilty of thoughtcrime if:
...you've ever doubted that Indymedia is honest.
...you've ever eaten at McDonald Trump's.
...you've ever been annoyed or harassed by the State's regulations for the Common Good.
...you've ever felt sorry for those capitalists in New London whose ill-gotten "homes" were justly taken away.
...you knew in the People's Russia the little girl Alissa Rosenbaum and wonder what happened to her.
Comrade Jeff Foxworthy has suggested that we compile a list of signs of thoughtcrime, similar to the one he has compiled for the red-state, bush-voting, fly-over, flag-waving Americans who for whatever counter-revolutionary reason go under the name of "red" necks. For instance, "You might be guilty of a thought crime if you think Hillary is a stanky whore."
...if you dare to suggest that we Jews and gays are monumentally better off in this blessed nation, where we can obsess over nativity scenes on public property and marriage certificates, than our counterparts who are being routinely hanged, burned, and bombed by radical Islamist fanatics in the Mid-East.
...if you question the infallibility of Roe v. Wade
...if you don't refer to your wife as your "life partner"
...if you think UN may need to undergo change
...if you don't think the people of North Korea are happy under communism
...if you feel Bush is a legitimate president and should be recorded as such
...if you don't support the struggle against American corporate greed
...if you don't want George Bush to hang for war crimes
...if you don't fight against Coca Cola's terrorist murders of children in Columbia
...if you don't support back pay for prisoners serving life sentences
...if you don't condemn the Mossad for their 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center
...if you don't get enraged by phrases like "International Monetary Fund"
...if you've ever read, and agreed with, anything written by John Locke, Richard Cantillon, Adam Smith, Thomas Jefferson, Frédéric Bastiat, Ludwig von Mises, Murray Rothbard, or Ayn Rand.
...if you believe the individual is sovereign.
...if you believe the free market is working better than government ever did in Somalia.
...if you believe people own themselves.
...if you believe in private property.
...if you believe common law is better than civil law and ad hoc (e.g. party dictated) law.
...if you've ever used the terms "natural law" or "individual rights" in a non-mocking manner.
...if you believe government is unnecessary and wasteful.
...if you've ever used the term "free market anarchist" in a positive way, especially self-descriptively.
...if you believe the "individual good" is more important than the "common good".
...if you believe selfishness is a virtue.
...if you believe altruism is a vice.
...if you believe police, courts, and military services can and should be privatized.
...if you believe anything should be privatized.
...if you believe the only wild parts of the old American west were the parts with government, instead of a free market for law enforcement and courts, as much of the old west had prior to it being invaded by the Union Army in the late 1860s.
...if you've ever praised the Icelandic Commonwealth (circa 10th-13th centuries CE) and held it up as a positive example of a social system, while recognizing it as a long-lived, functional, and prosperous free market anarchy.
...if you believe that market value is based entirely on individual choice, which is itself based on subjective criteria, thus making the market unpredictable and thereby impossible to correctly centrally plan, ever.
...if you've ever claimed that the term "economics" historically, and correctly, refers solely to the scientific tradition from which the classically liberal political tradition was borne, thus implying free market advocacy and that Marx and Keynes were not "economists".
...if you believe that, when used by a socialist, the parade of horribles is still a logical fallacy.
...if you believe property predates government.
...if you, like a good little drone of the Collective, say the Citizen's Creed regularly, but do so only to mock those who clearly follow it religiously.
...if you believe governments are created by individuals and that, thus, they have no more legitimate authority than their creators and maintainers.
...if you believe the use of proxies for criminal action doesn't shield you from responsibility/liability for the crimes committed.
...if you believe slapping the label of "government" on a criminal organization, which survives on regular mass muggings called taxation, doesn't magically transmogrify said organization into something to be respected and worshipped.
...if you believe all "market failures" were/are really the result of government, and that free markets don't fail.
...if you believe competing self-interests balance each other out, leading to a civil and cooperative society.
This message was brought to you by the Ministry of Truth (Minitrue) - We Think, So You Don't Have To.
...if prometheus and the snake in the garden of eden were always your heros
I forget, who was Prometheus?
Prometheus was a demigod, one of the Titans, who was/is worshiped by craftsmen. Zeus hid fire from man, but Prometheus stole it and gave it back to us. This really pissed Zeus off so he chained Prometheus to a rock and every day an eagle came and ate out his liver, which then grew back every night so it would be there for the eagle to eat again the next day (kinda like Sisyphus and his boulder)... eventually Hercules rescued Prometheus...
... The snake is more my hero... though Cayote is up there...
... if you kommissarate with Cindy Sheehan's soon-to-be ex-husband.
... if you wonder WTF Israel and Palestine have to do with the war in Iraq and the death of her son.
... if you suspect that should the State of Israel actually ever cease to exist, the Muslim Hoard will just find another political football to kick around as justification for Jihadism.
Hoping the will redeem me, leading only to being sent to my gulag without dinner and short course of re-edukation, rather than purged outright....
S.M.O.
Seriously, may I suggest, as a compromise, "neo-classical liberalism" as propounded by the eminent economist-philosopher F. A. Hayek in The Constitution of Liberty and other great works.
If you believe that all men are created equal.
Why else do we need a Dictatorship of the Proletariate? We must take care of the weak (minded) and the lame (brained).
My mommy gives me 5 gummie bears each morning before I go to school. But only if I behaved the day before and helped with the dishes and kept my room neat. I'm a good boy and try very hard to make my mommy happy.
On my first day at school, my teacher, Ms. Primwhistle asked each of the children what they had brought to school that day. Since it was the first schoolday none of the other children had brought any goodies for recess. Ms. Primwhistle then began talking about the value of sharing. How the world would be a better place if we all shared what we had. No wars, no poverty, no misery, no hatred, all love and understanding.
Then she approached me and asked "Philo, wouldn't you like to share your gummie bears with the rest of the class?"
I looked up and smiled and said "F**k off Primwhistle you haggy Commie slut, I don't share sh*t with nobody. You want 'em? Try takin' 'em"!
... if you think that Western society has contributed anything positive to civilization.
Yeah nothing much apart from most of mathematics, physics, biology, chemistry, much of philosphy, economics, rennaissance, enlightenment, code of law, democracy/republicanism, the UN (largely founded by the US), electronics, optoelectronics, engineering, computers, space exploration, most of astronomy, cars, air travel, the internet, rights of man, womens' sufferage, anthropology, psychology, ethics, and just about everything else helpful and/or aesthetically pleasing which I have ever laid eyes on. Nothing much really.
This is my first post here. It is obviously a great website of enlightened people . I would first like to express my admiration for the incredible humanitarion work Bono has done. Here's My list:
You like Wal Mart, shop at Wal Mart, or have been to Wal Mart.
You root for the Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, or Wash. Redskins.
You cheered when John Rocker came in to pitch.
You think Kofi Anan would be better as Dallas Cowboys' mascot Crazy Ray than UN Secretary General.
You secretely wished the UN had been hit on 9-11 instead of the WTC.
You think the govt. is not telling all the truth about 9-11.
You think Yoko Ono helped break up the Beatles.
You were secretely relieved when Brokeback Mountain didn't win Best Picture.
You think Molly Ivins is mentally ill.
Comrade Jeff Foxworthy has suggested that we compile a list of signs of thoughtcrime, similar to the one he has compiled for the red-state, bush-voting, fly-over, flag-waving Americans who for whatever counter-revolutionary reason go under the name of "red" necks. For instance, "You might be guilty of a thoughtcrime if you think Hillary really gives a damn about The Common Good™."
Please post your signs and observations here.
If your idea of diversity includes the "diversity of thought"
...if you dont stuff your socks and red shorts with increminating National Archive documents that will highlight your old boss as an incompetent pervert that let Osama go.
...if you dont stuff your socks and red shorts with increminating National Archive documents that will highlight your old boss as an incompetent pervert that let Osama go.
... if you think of the gulag as punishment, rather than an oppurtunity for improvement and re-education
.. if you think 'you' refers to you as an individual, rather than the red tide of happy workers
... if you think. The Party does that for you. I will be visiting shortly
(on a personal note, this is my first ever post! Been a silent fan for ages of the fine work of the comrades here, may the smile of Lenin be upon you and pleased to meet you all)
-----------------
Welcome Comrade! Relax and just go with the collective flow. We're not judging anyone here, just watching intensely. Judgement will be made by the revolutionary tribunals at a later stage.
-- Red Square
SMO - you may be looking for your extensive discussions with Rich333 on this thread - I moved them to separate thread on the People's Blog for the following reasons:
1. To preserve them as a museum piece in a special SMO memorial place.
2. They made this thread hard to navigate.
3. I wanted to see how this "split topic" function works.
SMO - you may be looking for your extensive discussions with Rich333 on this thread
nope... I still have nightmares about a world covered with gallows, privatized police forces, bad roads, and no dictionaries... heheheh... I'm just catching up and seeing what I missed over the last year. Besides, isn't intellectual sentimentality a thoughtcrime?
... if you think that Western society has contributed anything positive to civilization.
Yeah nothing much apart from most of mathematics, physics, biology, chemistry, much of philosphy, economics, rennaissance, enlightenment, code of law, democracy/republicanism, the UN (largely founded by the US), electronics, optoelectronics, engineering, computers, space exploration, most of astronomy, cars, air travel, the internet, rights of man, womens' sufferage, anthropology, psychology, ethics, and just about everything else helpful and/or aesthetically pleasing which I have ever laid eyes on. Nothing much really.
I thought native americans did all that, and whitey stole it!
...if you think that Pat Robertson is right that the great champion of human rights and stalwart against AmeriKKKan imperialism, Hugo Chavez, is a putz and a thug who needs a 7.62mm round between his eyes.
...if you think that our Many Titted Empress is not the most magnificent, giving, nurturing Mother Earth that the world has ever seen, overflowing with kindness and concern.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
