Yoko Ono and John Lennon
on the "Feminine Revolution"
The text is extracted from articles contained in the Spring and Summer 1972 editions of Sundance magazine. Although the words are attributed to John and Yoko jointly, they would appear to be written largely by Yoko.
Taken off this website along with the animated image on the left (and it also claims that the left side of the brain is bigger).
~------------------------------
There are no two mouths alike. Our bodies, in fact, are an assurance of our uniqueness. But we share our minds and our dreams. A dream you dream alone may be a dream, but a dream we dream together is reality. Positive attitudes create positive situations. Let's learn to aim high in our dreams. Together, there is nothing we can't do.
To middle America who are afraid of youth and the future: Please don't be afraid. Don't try to stop running water. Join us. If change is inevitable, let's change for the better for all of us. Our future cannot be anything but brightness. The law of nature is that once one knows, one can never unknow what one knows. Rapidly, more and more people will be aware. Without trying, the world is heading for perfect awareness - and you are part of it. You are part of the running water. The fenceless and doorless world is soon to come. It's our fear which is keeping the doors closed and the fences high. Please don't be afraid. Open your minds, they belong to the world. The mind knows no pain in the act of sharing, while sharing bread is often pain. Join us! - in the doorless world.
To the hard hats who think that they don't have the power to free themselves from the tyranny and suppression of the capitalists: It's not their power or money that is controlling you, as is generally believed. Their power depends on your fear and apathy. Once your awareness and confidence equals theirs, how could they keep you down? You outnumber them, don't let them close your eyes. I will send to you only in ESP.
To the youth who think they are silenced by the media and alienated from the world: The future is yours. Have the patience of a pregnant woman. But don't wait for the world to reach you. You are the aware ones. Reach out. Reach out. Reach out with love. Love communicates, whereas hatred, in the end, doesn't. Extend your hand to middle America with love. There cannot be a true world revolution without the support of the silent majority.
The world is now split into two kinds of people, and only two! One is the kind who communicate, and the other is the kind who doesn't. Those who don't, believe that they can't because they have no access to the communications media.
But you are the media. People are. Your message is the media not the other way around, and the media does not exist without people. Let's believe in people and their power. Total communication equals peace. Violence is to eliminate ignorance, apathy and hatred. Let's not fight among ourselves. Togetherness is the only power we have.
Water, on its own accord, always comes together. We're all water from different rivers. That's why it's so easy to meet. Barriers are products of our imagination. Why can't we focus our energies on a more positive image? Imagine there are no countries...all the people living life in peace. Imagine. Believe in it coming...sing about it, do something about it, and we are half way there.
*
Our society is driven by neurotic speed and force, accelerated by greed and the frustration of not being able to live up to the image of men and women we have created for ourselves - an image which has nothing do with the reality of people. How can we be eternal James Bond or Twiggy and raise three kids on the side? So we pass our kids on to babysitters, nursery and high school teachers - three of the most underpaid positions in our society! How can we help but do this when our wives constantly complain about insufficient material earnings, comparing us with Onassis. Or when we are living under the constant threat of losing our husbands to girls on the street with false eyelashes and the never-had-a-baby-or-a-full-meal look. In such an image-driven culture, a piece of reality like a child becomes a direct threat to our very false existence.
The only game we play together with our children is star-chasing; sadly, not stars in the sky, but "Stars" who we think have achieved the standard of the dream image we have imposed on the human race. We cannot trust ourselves anymore, because we know we have not "made it". Because we know that we are, well...too real.
The fact that we are not fake should make us happy, but instead, we are forever apologetic for being real. "Excuse me for shitting, excuse me for farting, excuse me for making love and smelling like a human being," we say, "instead of being that odorless, celluloid prince and princess image out there on the screen."
A professor who lives in a three tatami room in Tokyo (one tatami is a size of a mat for one person to lie down on) says he needs one tatami for himself, another for his companion, and the third for the two to breathe in. "In order for me to keep a room larger than a three-tatami in an overpopulated city like Tokyo, I have to use additional energy to fight for it. Any possession that is more than what you need belongs to someone who needs it. I don't want to waste my energies keeping it." He further claims that there are two poverty lines in this world. One is where you starve, the other is where you have excessive possessions. He has donated his only other possession - his books - to the local library.
In two-thousand years of effort, men have demonstrated to us their failure in running the world. Instead of falling into the same trap as men, women can offer something that society never, because of male dominance, had before. That is feminine direction.
Of course the question will be asked, "What is femininity and masculinity?" The stereotype ideas of femininity and masculinity really have nothing to do with the true nature of men and women. In fact, most people in our society show both masculine and feminine tendencies at the same time. But to a great extent, both men and women have believed in their own myths and have subsequently developed stereotype characters of themselves. As a result, quite apart from what men and women really are, so-called masculine and feminine tendencies do prevail in our society as characteristics of the society itself.
What we can do is to bring out the more feminine nature in society to replace the masculine one which is now at work as a very negative force. We can thus make more positive use of the feminine tendencies of the society which, up to now, have been either suppressed or dismised as something to be ashamed of or even as harmful, impractical and/or irrelevant in the making of that society. Obviously, a feminine society is not to be mistaken for a female-dominated society.
The contemporary society is competitive, logical (inasmuch as the society makes an or pretense of basing its thinking on logic) and power-oriented in its structure. Hypocrisy, violence and chaos result from this structure. We can now change the society with the feminine touch, or rather with feminine intelligence and awareness, into a basically organic, non-competitive one based on love rather than reasoning. The result will be balance, peace and contentment.
We can evolve rather than revolt, come together rather than claim independence, and feel rather than think. Now these are characteristics that are considered feminine and which men despise. But have men done so well by avoiding the development of these characteristics within themselves?
What our society needs now is not the speed born of competition, the invention of faster and faster machines, nor the so-called reality based on rational and practical thinking. The outcome of such reasoning is at best a two- to four- dimensional perception of reality, which is a limiting observation of life.
What we need now is the patience and natural wisdom of a pregnant woman; an awareness and acceptance of our natural resources (what is left of them); and the healthy existence of our bodies and feelings. Let's not kid ourselves and think of ours as an old and mature civilization. We are by no means mature. But that is all right. That is beautiful. Let's slow down, and try to grow organically, and as healthy as a newborn infant. The aim of the female revolution will have to be a total one, eventually making it a revolution for the whole world, since we can never separate ourselves from the world.
This article disturbs me because of it's brilliance... it's beautiful and organic brilliance, man. Like... if we were all limp wristed and feminine... like, the USSR can just waltz in and make things better like Yoko said. I mean like... the USSR man, they like... did it. Yeah, they built a utopia, man... like, everyone is happy over there in their "feminine society" (ignore the tanks, military parades and jets zipping through the air... Oh, also ignore those men clapping their hands as the tanks roll by). Like Yoko told me to eat this apple and like my eyes are open to everything now... and like, this man like told me I would have to leave this capitalist paradise for eating the Soviet's forbidden fruit, man... and like... now I live in coffin big enough for me, Yoko and like they give us enough room to wiggle our arms, man... and...and... lets do this for the children because they deserve coffins too, man!
Yoko strikes me as someone who may have been a KGB "Swallow". Any thoughts? Anybody at all?
What we need now is the patience and natural wisdom of a pregnant woman; an awareness and acceptance of our natural resources (what is left of them); and the healthy existence of our bodies and feelings
Quote
Have the patience of a pregnant woman.
But have as many abortions as you want! And is it OK to have a 4 tatami house? I seem to recall that John's mansion in England and his apartment (?) at the Dakota was larger than 3 tatamis.
I had "Two Virgins" on an Eight Track. I listened to it once. Mom came into the dining room where we had the phono/eight track/radio console and asked me if what I was listening to was what she thought it was. I claimed ignorance.....I still claim ignorance. I wish I wouldn't have thrown it away though. I could have made some rubles on EBay.
YES! Have as many Choices as you want, comrades - we surely don't need anymore people (unless planned) running around making disatrous carbon footprints! And on the subject of tatami... I believe you can have up to six million if your name is John Edwards and you have *great* hair.
This article disturbs me because of it's brilliance... it's beautiful and organic brilliance, man. Like... if we were all limp wristed and feminine...
Watch it, buddy. I don't care if you call me a pervert but don't call me one of those people. And who has time for all this? It's birdlime for fools while we get about the serious business of identity theft and raiding their bank accounts and issuing national IDs injected under the skin and implanting electrodes into the brain. That Kurt Vonnegut. Stupid fool let the cat out of the bag in "Harrison Bergeron." There really was a Diana Moon Glampers, the United States Handicapper General. And she was doing a great job, because the fools bought all this John and Yoko shit because their brains had been rotted out by this goo-goo.
Well, it will happen again and I will see to it. I'll have everyone standing naked in a forest, hugging trees, while Wahabis fly jets into every skyscraper, rape the women, kidnap the children, and kill all the men who are standing around saying, "We just have to understand them." And I've already made a deal with them. I only have to grow a beard and I can have all the funny boys that I want as long as I deliver the Great Satan.
Why oh why did Mark David Chapman shoot that fool? He was doing the Cube's work?
And by the way, it is now a rule for Cubists that we give iTunes gift certificates to everyone for Yoko's new album, which has subliminal messages in it. No words. It's just that it's so awful that it destroys resistance and saps the will. All hail Yoko!
Maybe we could get Yoko and Her Excellency together for some sushi... nothing bad, just two gals out on the town for some raw fish. Maybe a movie afterwards, some KY warming jelly and a large pile of sweaty campaign tribute to top things off. Yeah, that will surely put a smile on *Her* face! We really don't need our supreme leader getting down in the mouth over all this Obama clamor... especially when our careers (and lives) depend on *Her* stealing the White House.
As I heard, to my disgust, when young, there are only two things which smell like fish and fish is one of them. This may explain a great deal about me. I don't think that I could stand raw fish, marinated Japanese fish, and corn-fed American tuna. Every cat in the neighborhood would be running under the wheels of speeding cars to get away.
But I can imagine Our Many Titted Empress, her trotters besmeared with the residue of International Friendship and Cooperation, wallowing in a pile of green cash, the bills sticking to her thighs, which so resemble potato sacks filled with lard, while Yoko ululates, howls, and moans her latest disco number, with Bill looking on, his Peyronie's disease making his pin-prick turgidity point hard to the left.
As I heard, to my disgust, when young, there are only two things which smell like fish and fish is one of them. This may explain a great deal about me.
I love Canadian Kippers and anchovies....I guess that explains a lot about me.
Quote
I wish I could stop picturing those vivid descriptions in my mind. My brain damage is going to get worse now.
Be glad you never heard "Two Virgins". All it was ....was...was the sound of those two slopping, slurping and swapping body fluid, grunting, moaning, groaning and fucking like macacas in heat.
I was also contemplating a caption with regards to "any possession that is more than what you need belongs to someone who needs it" to include John's dick and balls that got appropriated by Yoko because she obviously needed them more than he did, but I didn't know how to do this without sounding like Commissar Theocritus.
but I didn't know how to do this without sounding like Commissar Theocritus.
And that's a bad thing? I can be rude in several languages, in several times, millennia apart, straight, gay, animal, vegetable, household appliance, Hillary--I am versatile in my breathtaking rudeness. I am an exemplar of it. I am the anti Miss Manners.
But I'm also culturally illiterate. All I know of Pearl Jam is that their lead singer offed himself.
I'm sure you're right. So illiterate am I that yesterday I was visiting a friend whose husband said that A&M was playing Vanderbilt and they headed for the goggle box, that being somehow important, perhaps a ritual.
Bill switched channels and I saw people playing basketball and I, perfect fool, said, "I forgot. Football is in the fall. But doesn't it go into the spring?" For it seems to run 65 weeks a year. I'm utterly indifferent to it, neither liking nor disliking it, and I only wonder why. I don't expect normal people to be interested, for example, in the vestigial uses of the dual number in Indo-European languages.
But the central question remains in what I am pleased to call my mind. Why Pearl Jam? Is that the group where the singer sounds as though he's enjoying being ministered to by the Hildo 7.0? Is that it?
And we haven't heard from SMO in four days. She's been fighting a bad cold and I fear she's taken a turn for the worse. Easy to do with her auto-immune-suppressing drugs.
Actually, Pearl Jam is quite good (or has been at times quite good; a lot of "filler" after their first 3 albums, with random good songs here and there).
I hope SMO is ok, she said she was coming down with something...wasn't she already coming off a cold/flu bug a few weeks ago??
Yes, she was. Inherited. She's susceptible because of the side-effects of some medicines, and she may be occupied with a pain-management clinic with new meds. A horribly complicated group of illnesses--and I've found that two illness is not twice an illness, but illnesses squared. And these days, with drugs so powerful and targeted, there are often side effects. In her case I'd expect that the bulls-eye target of the auto-immune-disease drugs (arthritis) interfere with the ability to fight off a simple cold, rendering it much more than a few days' inconvenience. I miss her frantic energy. And I thought that I typed a lot. I bow in submission.
By the way, I give all members of the cube carte blanche to make gay jokes. I do. If you want to lay into an eye-rolling queen, roll up your sleeves and dig in. I'll hold your coat. (And straighten the collar, too.) This ought to be the place of sanctuary from victimology, class envy, resentment-mongering, and whoring ability to dependency to buy power for some slave-owner wannabe.
By the way, I give all members of the cube carte blanche to make gay jokes. I do. If you want to lay into an eye-rolling queen, roll up your sleeves and dig in. I'll hold your coat. (And straighten the collar, too.) This ought to be the place of sanctuary from victimology, class envy, resentment-mongering, and whoring ability to dependency to buy power for some slave-owner wannabe.
Excuse me... excuse me... ARE YOU MAD!? We can't do that, Commissar Theocritus! The Cube is a venue for the exchange of politically correct and carefully monitored and/or scripted ideas that must be tolerant to everyone/everything at all times, and when I say "tolerant" I mean pity and hold feelings of shame. We cannot have anyone making "jokes" about anything or anybody that may offend his/her/its/appliances sensibilities. Ugh... this is unbelievable and I'm personally appalled. Commissar Theocritus, I think it would be in your best interest to serve some time in the gulag to make yourself a little bit more tolerant to yourself and help you realize that you are indeed a victim struggling in an abrasive, capitalist, hatemongering society that doesn't openly and willingly participate in your alternative lifestyle choice! Also, I think you should do some hard labor in the gulag to further appreciate the hard work we are doing to make everyone pity you... I feel as if you don't appreciate our efforts in turning you into a victim so that you will be dependent on the Party to make yourself feel accepted, loved and adored.
I'm filing the paper work now, you will be tolerant to yourself and others, dammit! YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU WILL BE TOLERANT TO YOURSELF... OR ELSE!
There is no “I” in “you”, which makes my work selfless, altruistic and progressive. My goodness, *my* ideological purity is flawless…. Ugh….. It brings a tear to my eye to realize how selfless *I* am when sending people away, by the boxcar load, to learn how to love and accept themselves for the Common Good.
No, Bonnie Fwank has someone butter his buns in the morning. Something about Vegemite, I think, although the yeast in Vegemite reminds me of Our Many Titted Empress. Have you ever thought, deeply, about invagination of your private parts with her? On the strength of her saying that she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary when she was born before that time, the very idea of stupping her turned me funny.
And you're next.
Also, noble Chairman, I confess that you did not fall for my entrapment. I had posted, at the ready, the entire staff of The Advocate ready do to violence to you, but while they were waiting, they whined so much and spent so much time bitching about the Bushitler that I offed them myself, and buried them.
Where they are providing excellent mulch for pansies.
In two-thousand years of effort, men have demonstrated to us their failure in running the world. Instead of falling into the same trap as men, women can offer something that society never, because of male dominance, had before. That is feminine direction.
LONG LIVE OUR NEW LEADER HILLARY CLINTOON
SMERSH HEAD of KGB.sec. 9
(PS) We shall ovetake the UN and make them ALL the new WHITE (RED) HOUSE. "Travel staff"
Lennon climbed up a ladder and opened a box at one of Yoko's exhibitions. He was expecting to find some lurid piece of shockabilia inside, but instead found a card that had a single brilliant word written on it. The word was: "Yes"! It was love at first read, comrades.
I want to hear you say "Yes", too, dearest comrades. Cry it out in the name of Lenin, for John's sake.
-Yes, you will sacrifice for yourself for the collective good.
-Yes, you will pay higher taxes so the Chairman and I can keep RedSkies One feuled and stocked with trendy booze and pricey call grrrls.
-Yes, you or a designated necroproxy will stand on every street corner of this country protesting Bush's Iraqi abattoir.
-Yes, _____________ (enter your own progressive offering here).
Oh, the tender moments of life are soooo precious. Keep them near to your hearts.
Dr. Palimpsest, I have found an underutilized method of furthering the People's Cause--and my desire for my own personal 747 with Gold's Gym in it, to swan about to the world's finest watering holes, there to laugh with the other glitterati and gilded, begauded ignorantsia about the evils of the Bushitler.
It is the Balkanization of America--when we have indeed an entire nation of Babel, then no one will be able to communicate and all will need our services. As the priests resisted the peasants' being able to read the Bible, we shall make firm our access to power.
In Liberia, that model of the brave new state, dialects of peoples separate by only a river are sometimes mutually incomprehensible. I am all for not only bilingual education (to be frank much less of a hot-button issue in Texas than you would think; Mexicans are not the idiots some people would like them to be).
So let's have education for dialects. The dialect spoken in El Paso. The dialect spoken in Del Rio. The dialect, utterly incomprehensible, spoken in the mountains of Chihuahua State. And remember the impossibility of printing text books--for literacy is always a minus for if people can read, they can defend themselves. Remember that and you will understand that the survival characteristic of the National Education Agency is not teaching people to read.
So, to boost the high-tech sector, and recall the Silicon Valley has many of the smartest people on earth, and if you don't believe that, ask them, and follow their politics, let us all have given, free, tablet PCs with touch screens, with software downloaded directly from DirecTV, which will give us the messages of Dear Leader, President Hillary for Life, starting in January of 2009, along with other edifying and uplifting messages.
And who knew that icons could be so useful? Banking will be done by icons. Mortgage payment will be by dragging a $ to a picture of a house. Interest? What's that? Financial planning will consist of knowing how much money comes to you each month--deductions kept as secret as possible, just like now--and everything is priced, not by its price but by how much per month. And the term is unimportant. Just like now.
And to sort this all out we will have the Texas Rural Legal Aid. Just like now.
Damn it. I didn't patent these ideas. I guess I'll just have to go back to flogging my peasants to harvest that last cantaloupe.
yer i think yoko was a russian spy sent to get john lennon on drugs adn do the shit he did
he shouldnt have been shot it should have been her in the head
Ah, John and Yoko. What an inspiration they are. Spending a week in bed at the Amsterdam Hilton (why not a quaint, more modest pension in some narrow little back street with the W.C. down the hall and space for only three tatamis?) because they're "only trying to get us some peace." Christ, that IS easy. Who among us doesn't do that every night, and for much the same reason? (And would the "bagism" thing explain "ACORN"?)
But if it weren't for the trailblazing example of John and Yoko, would I have perched myself on a ledge for 62 days? Would my chest be festooned with Awareness ribbons? Would I have wristbands all the way up to my armpit? Would anyone care more than I do about the Issues That Matter?
Pinkie, why don't we have a competition for the Most Caring-n-Compassionate Commissar? And who better to judge it than dear Commissar Theocritus. After all, look at my avatar. Ignore that impaling bit, for the nonce.
We can have solo caring, team caring, relay caring. This last one is patterned after the Reverend Jesse Jackson's fasting. He fasts for some worthwhile cause, until he gets hungry and then someone else fasts while he's throwing calories down his cakehole, which is for the moment silent.
This is relay fasting. We can have relay caring. I will care so very much over the plight of the poor, uninsured people, puppies with sore paws, the Stephens Kangaroo Rat, and what not, and when my attention wanders, as it does, I'll merely let you take over the caring for me.
.....because they're "only trying to get us some peace." Christ, that IS easy. Who among us doesn't do that every night, and for much the same reason? (And would the "bagism" thing explain "ACORN"?)
Where's Jodin? You'd think that Jodin Morey would be around somewhere, his head perkily cocked to the side. Or did he pull a bender having been awarded Peach of the Week by Mikael the Minnesota Moonbat Mime?
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
