Study Finds Economic Bias in Gravitational Law Enforcement

A landmark study by a major university today found the Law of Gravity is selectively enforced and that the heaviest burden tended to fall on members of disadvantaged and oppressed socio-economic groups.

Professor Omar Amabo, Chief Community Organizer and Chair of the Victimology Department at the University of East Angrya recently concluded the decades-long study and revealed the results at a national press conference today. They showed that while it is true that members of disadvantaged socio-economic groups tended to have heavier body weights than priviledged groups, this was not due to bad eating habits and lack of exercise as previously thought but rather a systematic and coordinated over-zealous selective enforcement of gravitational statutes.
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Professor Amabo stated that while he found a tendency to anti-poor bias in appilcations of gravitational law in every administration, the problem tended to be much worse in periods when Republicans controlled the presidency and/or one or both houses of congress, a fact he attributed to their lack of interest in oversight over gravitational law enforcement efforts. "They just don't care about the heavy burdens of the gravitationally-challenged", he stated, "but that's what we expected to find."

The study also discovered hitherto unrecognized inequities in the distribution of gravity itself throughout the nation. Patrons at McDonalds and Chips N' Cheese Fries 'R Us tended to experience increased gravity as compared to diners at Eat Veggies Or Die and Rice Cakes To Go.

Initially, this was thought to be due to socio-economic factors but Dr. Amabo also noted a feedback mechanism at work: the more a person ate at restaurants built over areas of increased gravity, the heavier one became and thus was even more attracted by the gravity at these restaurants.

The study concludes that rather than being coincidence, the location of such restaurants at areas of high gravity was an intentional conspiracy to further burden the gravitationally-challenged.

The release of the study caused an immediate earthquake in the social policy arena.

Advocates for the disadvantaged cited the results in loudly demanding increased federal supervision over the enforcement of gravitational laws, especially in states like Texas where the gravity-industrial complex benefits economically from its unequal application.

They forsee a call for new federal programs to provide services to the victims of higher gravity in order to help them compensate for its effects. Legal scholars predict thousands of lawsuits will shortly be filed on behalf of those suffering from the aftershocks of over-zealous gravitational law enforcement in an attempt to recoup monetary damages for the injuries inflicted.

"It's gonna be big" said a giddy attorney at the public interest law firm of Pickens E. Pockits. "I'm already scoping out a new Mercedes," he stated.

Enforcement efforts of other physical laws will also see an impact. Spokespersons for groups representing longer wavelength colors such as red are examining the findings to see if a case can be made for bias and selective application of the speed of light. Bernoulli's principle may see a challenge due to the unfair demand that faster talking should cause decreased pressure inside the speakers' heads. Mathematical laws may come under scrutiny also.

One advocate for the poor noted that throughout history, any number times zero is zero. "It's not fair", he complained. "You work hard to get a little bit and along comes somebody to multiply it by zero and then YOU GOT NOTHING while those who multiplied by three or four get twice as much!"

Political observers say there will likely be renewed calls for repeal of archaic Gravitational Laws. "These laws date back to the 17th century, for cryin' out loud," complained one anti-gravity activist. "They're just kept on the books to hold poor people down!", another added.

But despite questions about the fairness or even applicability of gravitational laws in the modern age, repeal or reform is unlikely in the near term. "It would be very difficult", said one congressional staffer. "The Law of Gravity is so deeply embedded in so many aspects of society, it would be hard to get rid of it without everything falling apart."

That may be true, but for the victims of high gravity, it is of small comfort.

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Wait. Does this mean that we have to treat Evil KKKapitali$t Running-Dog KKKhris KKKhristie as a victim?
 

Comrade Goose

Wait. Does this mean that we have to treat Evil KKKapitali$t Running-Dog KKKhris KKKhristie as a victim?

No, you silly Comrade Goose. Chris Christie is a member of the 1% of body mass over-achievers.
 

Despite the fact that my job is to punish Thought-Crimes whenever and wherever found, I must condemn the assertion that gravity affects everyone the same way or that everyone is an equal victim of gravity rather than The Truth that Everyone Ought To Be Affected by Gravity in the Same Way. Consider, for example, the third babe from the left, who obviously is in the 99% category and thus is clearly a victim of gravity but then the second babe from the left seems to be in the 1% category and does not suffer from gravity. Something needs to be done to make them equal.




--Thought-Crime Warden
(By the way, they've already committed themselve to attend the Occupy Chicago Rally on May 1, 2012. No doubt they will seduce many passerbys to our cause.)
 

Comrade Warden, I'm sure one of the more enlightened Progs on here may have a device that can distribute her chest gravity equally. Or, Obamacare can get her implants.
 

As a severe sufferer of a disproportional backside gravity-sag, I have heard that if these gravitational laws are repealed that it would be the first time that prof Amabo's wife would be proud of her country......
 

Broadening of opportunities for the Lawyer-American community! Support the politicians who support the repeal of the law of gravity!

ARE YOU A VICTIM OF GRAVITY?


 

Red Square

Broadening of opportunities for the Lawyer-American community! Support the politicians who support the repeal of the law of gravity!
You left out Charlie Crist. Pretty sure that's the outfit he went to schill for.
 

Indeed, comrades, this Gravitational Force (here seen being used by Teabaggers to lure Delightful Film Maker Michael Moore into, well, more Moore) is a destructive and evil force, because, Bush!
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Indeed, comrades, this Gravitational Force (here seen being used by Teabaggers to lure Delightful Film Maker Michael Moore into, well, more Moore) is a destructive and evil force, because, Bush!

I understand Comrade Moore, esteemed member of the 99% and victim of gravitational profiling, will soon be making a movie about gravitational injustice in the US and trace its roots to Nazi-era ideas such as Planck's constant. He will again visit Cuba and North Korea and be amazed to discover the effects of gravity are much less there, for some reason.
 

Red Square

Broadening of opportunities for the Lawyer-American community! Support the politicians who support the repeal of the law of gravity!

ARE YOU A VICTIM OF GRAVITY?
Komrade Red Square, surely you must know that Newton- the original KKKapitalist who came up with the law of gravity- is dead. But this is a minor detail, I presume, as nothing is impossible for the Glorious Party.
 

Rock Tsar

Comrade Warden, I'm sure one of the more enlightened Progs on here may have a device that can distribute her chest gravity equally. Or, Obamacare can get her implants.Comrade Rock Tsar, where in the HELL have you been, lo these many months?

You have ANY idea how difficult it is to get the progs around here to stay in tune?!?
 

Comrade Rock in the USA, you are not nearly suspicious enough !

So........your friend just happens to "show up" after a prolonged absence ?

Perhaps it would be wise to interrogate ..... ah....... debrief this "Rock Tsar" fellow at Party headquarters to determine if he is either a possible Republican subversive sent here to learn disrupt our operations, or is still loyal to our cause, which is, of course, the demise of the American capitalist economy and replacing it with wonderful socialism, directed of course by our appointed President for Life, Barack Hussein Obama.)


 

Comrade R.O.C.K., all tuning is equal. My tuning is more equal than others, yet they are still equal. Accept it and move on.

Comrade Krasnodar, I would happily sit for a chat at Party headquarters. My problem is, since when have we, the glorious Kollektive, set our sights only on Socialism? My understanding was that Next Tuesday ™ would be a glorious communist world, with Socialism as a stepping stone. Have we set our sights lower? or are you the plant, and this new goal will allow your controllers to revert our progress? You are awful quick to send the suspicion elsewhere, Comrade.

As to the matter at hand: We must remember how bad these laws are for the environment. They cause everything to be less fuel efficient, and trap evil Carbon in the atmosphere. For the sake of the planet, they must be repealed NOW!
 

Need I say more?
 

I wonder Comrades, does this explain the Bermuda Triangle? Perhaps a clever means of not only enforcing Gravitational laws but also a device for ridding this glorious socialist bound world of subversive Rethuglicans.
A part of the world where the Laws of Gravity can be selectively enhanced thus causing the 'disappearance' of certain 'unwanteds'.
Those who are charged with enforcement of Gravity must remain hidden and out of sight so that those who would take action against them cannot find them.
These true believers are indeed 'down' for the cause. They must be protected. This is a 'Heavy Burden' for those who lead us but one I am sure they can handle. If nothing else enforcing these Gravitational Laws can be an 'uplifting' experience.
I note there are a few other places where 'Disappearances are common as in Japans Devil Sea, Hamakulia Hawaii and others. This is good. We have obviously been working hard in these areas. If we all 'pull' together this will work.
 

Comrade Guardian, the "Bermuda Triangle" is a Gingrich-contrived racial codeword which he uses to secretly signal the KKK members in the Rethuglican party of his agreement with their raaaaacist stereotype that indigenous island people are lazy and should sink into the sea. As such, we do not seek to explain it but rather use our RAAAAACISM ™brand party dog whistles to summon OUR attack dogs to bark annoyingly during Rethuglican debates until the entire audience gives up and changes the channel.
 

Comrades! You are all overlooking the most devious aspects of Gravitational Law and it's racist enforcement practices. Falling down! Yes, falling down! Look at how the less privileged proletarians fall down many times more often than WEMs and RethugliKKKans. Have the RethugliKKKans any compassion for other human beings??? NO!

There is only one solution to this travesty, comrades. Gravitational Law enforcement must be moved under the Civilian National Security Force's jurisdiction!
 

R.O.C.K. in the USSA

Need I say more?

Not at all, Comrade, not at all.
 

Au contraire, Komrad! Our philosophical leader, Charles Fourier, true creator of scientific socialism, has told us differently!According to Fourier, gravity and the position of the planets shall grant us the Great New World of Next Tuesday ™ ... or as he calls it "Harmony".

First the earth must endure16 periods of ascending and descending vibrations over 40,000 years, then we will have 8,000 years of bliss.Our current moon (whose name incidentally is Phoebe), the cadavre blafard that it is, will die away and will be replaced with six superior moons!!! Not to mention that the oceans shall turn to lemonade.

We shall all live to the ripe old age of 144, of which 120 we shall spend making love to one another!And there shall be many new useful and friendly animals in Harmony. Anti-whales shall tow ships across the oceans.


For anyone who hasn't heard of Charles Fourier, I recommend Alexander Grey's The Socialist Tradition: Moses to Lenin, available in PDF or ePub download here. It is an excellent book, but the chapter on Fourier is HILARIOUS! As socialist psychobabble goes, Fourier is the top. He makes Nancy Pelosi look like some sort of savant.
 

The effects of Gravity on others is somehow related to a pallid Corpse. Oy!. We have definitely wrought wonders from within the Party Glorious.
I appreciate the Gravity of this situation myself. Those who speak on it have obvious Gravitas.
I noticed some very heavy people sneaking around a McDonalds, perhaps they are one of the way stations for those trying to hide from the GP.
 

As you can plainly see, comrades, perfect equality is a simple matter of space.