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Intoxicated Biden vomits during book reading at preschool

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CHICAGO, IL - A public relations nightmare ensued today after Vice President Joe Biden visited a prominent preschool in the greater Chicago area that enrolls the children of Chicago's elite citizens, while being heavily intoxicated. Despite the pleas of his security detail, Biden refused to cancel the reading of Of Thee I Sing: A Letter To My Daughters, a children's book written by Barack Obama.

Teachers at the school said they saw Biden stumble and lean against the wall as he made his way to the library where the event was held. They claimed the Vice President was acting combative towards a female Secret Service agent when she stood between him and the library door, begging him not to go in. Witnesses allegedly heard Biden yell, "God dammit, when I say I'm gonna do something I do it," before shoving the female agent out of the way and stumbling into the room.

Once inside the library Biden made an attempt to sit in his chair, falling to the ground as body guards rushed to his aid. Several dozen excited children watched as the Vice President swung his arms at the agents and said, "Get away from me I don't need your f****** help!" There was a slight gasp in the room from adults, while most children were still laughing at the sight of the Vice President falling down.

As the book reading began, even teachers in the back of the room reportedly began to notice the smell of alcohol. Biden was noticeably having difficulty reading the book. The Vice President mispronounced common words, repeated the same lines, and slurred as he followed the text with his finger while swaying in his seat.

After the first two pages Biden handed the book off to a preschooler, saying, "Here, isn't your job to be read-learning anyway?" He then immediately snatched the book back from the shocked student and continued to read the "blurry words." Having read for a few more minutes, the Vice President stopped in mid-sentence, as his blood-shot eyes seemingly tried to focus on the back of the room.

The library went dead silent, with teachers and members of Biden's security detail exchanging anxious looks. After what some later described as "an eternity of a silent built-up of tension," Biden suddenly began projectile vomiting on the book in his hands and towards the students. In the words of Ruby Valentine, a student attending the book reading, "His eyes got real big, like baseballs, and then he started barfing everywhere."

The silence broke as screaming children ran away from the Vice President and the security rushed to help him up out of his chair. In the process of getting up, the Vice President lost his balance, stumbled, and fell down towards the frightened children, knocking over a few chairs and a bookshelf. That caused even louder cries of terror from the students as stunned teachers tried to calm them down.

Martha Hazard, one of the preschool teachers, later told reporters that "all these kids have a change of clothes on hand and fortunately, only those in the front row needed to be changed. We keep extra clothes in case they get dirty or soiled, but no one ever expected we would have to change them because of the Vice President of the United States. This is surely one of the most disturbing days our academy has ever seen."

Accompanied by continued screaming, Biden was carried out of the room since he was no longer able to walk on his own. He was heard sobbing and muttering, "Why'd you have to go, Ted," apparently referring to the late Ted Kennedy, a former close friend of Joe Biden.

Having recovered from the momentary confusion, remaining members of the Secret Service collected everyone's cellphones and other recording devices, instructing the perturbed audience that the Vice President was "sick with the flu." They also confiscated all the security footage from that day.

As a result, no record of the incident exists anymore, with the exception of eyewitness accounts from teachers and frightened children. Later that day, however, the cleaning staff discovered a nearly empty metal flask with the initials "J.B." engraved on it, under a pile of children's books from the overturned bookshelf. It is surmised that the flask fell out of the Vice President's pocket when he fell down.

Joe Biden's office has refused to accept any calls and has aggressively declined to comment.

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Attention Snopes,

Nothing to see here, move along. This is current truth, and not to be trifled with by you.

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I'd like all the dead and krippled komrades in the audience to stand up and give Komrade Vice Premier Biden a hearty round of applause for trying to read the book. Good intentions kount more than anything.


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Children love Uncle Joe - he can relate!

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Eh, so what. George W. Bush holding a book upside down (true story) was SO much worse than this! Being VP is a stressful job. Why not let Uncle Joe enjoy a drink around children every now and then? (This is only if the VP is a democrat. If the VP is republican, drinking shows terrible judgment.)

I would like to see the documentation for that article

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Not to worry, we all anticipate our comrades of Snopes.com to provide us with authoritative validation quite shortly


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Chedoh wrote:
Biden_School_Vomit_Library.jpg
CHICAGO, IL - A public relations nightmare ensued today after Vice President Joe Biden visited a prominent preschool in the greater Chicago area that enrolls the children of Chicago's elite citizens, while being heavily intoxicated. Despite the pleas of his security detail, Biden refused to cancel the reading of Of Thee I Sing: A Letter To My Daughters, a children's book written by Barack Obama.

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Che doh, SLOOOOOOWWWW DOOOOOWN You're making us all look less funny than you!Er, sound less funny. Or something.

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Oh, that was JOE BIDEN???? He was at the ER where I work last night! He's a gawd awful singer, by the way.

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Witnesses allegedly heard Biden yell, "God dammit, when I say I'm gonna do something I do it," before shoving the female agent out of the way and stumbling into the room.

A politician that told the truth?
Great work of fiction Comrade Chedoh!

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OksanaTheTerrible wrote:Witnesses allegedly heard Biden yell, "God dammit, when I say I'm gonna do something I do it," before shoving the female agent out of the way and stumbling into the room.

A politician that told the truth?
Great work of fiction Comrade Chedoh!

Thank you, Comrade Oksana and a most hearty and equal welcome to the Cube! You will find your bunk is the one closest to rickety door that lets all the cold air through in the entrance of your barrack. As time progresses and as you receive promotions you may find yourself moving closer and closer to the furnace near the back!

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Cozy, eh?

Anyways, I would like to point out that all my reporting is proved to be 100% factual by state censors, the word "fiction" actually holds no meaning with me. (Is that French?) But I digress, when you're in line for your evening meal later make sure to say Comrade Kommissar Chedoh said you can have an extra beet slice.

Once again, welcome to the Cube and happy posting!

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mamabert wrote:I would like to see the documentation for that article

How DARE you question my credibility?

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Kids. No respect for their elders, and based on the harvest, no fear of the quota.

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Chedoh wrote:
mamabert wrote:I would like to see the documentation for that article

How DARE you question my credibility?

How dare any question of credibility be expressed at The People's Cube™! The Integrity™ of TPC™ is beyond reproach!

It's also beyond credulity or the ability of your average prol to understand.

TPC™ is more infallible than the Pope!

Some re-education seems appropriate!

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The important truth is: Who's gonna eat that? Joe Biden is human version of Brian Griffin. All that smug BS going on. Suddenly, Biden realized prison is his next stop.


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Many thanks, Comrade Chedoh! When I was in The Marine Corps under Glorious Leader Kommander Klinton, I learned that most Comrades stepped over my head on the way to the Latrine. The ones that cared softly tapped my head with their boots. I cannot tell you how many moments of clarity I had after their gentle nudging! Others checked me to make sure I was alive! That, and the many rodents for company warmed my heart more than the far away stove.


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Admitting association with rodents is right up there with bragging about a successful stock portfolio. Don't do it, new comrade. You will quickly learn why.

Back to work, there are beets that need tending.


 
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