24 November 1944 -- Emerging from a joint strategy meeting, Generals Eisenhower and Zhukov addressed a press meeting and outlined their plans for bringing about a peaceful resolution to what had snowballed into a massive world war.

“My Russian counterpart and I realize the meaning of our spectacular victories at Stalingrad and Normandy," said Eisenhower. "It is that the message of the Allies must be one of willingness to reach out to Adolf Hitler and find a mutually agreeable solution to the war, and that can't be done with all this partisan bickering about ‘unconditional surrender',” emphasized the general gesturing with air quotes.

“Let me be clear,” demanded General Zhukov, “all talk of Axis surrender is off table! Maybe now we all get along,” said the Soviet general flashing his trademark toothy grin.

When asked what brought about such a change from the policy agreed upon by the Big Three at Casablanca, Eisenhower was quick to point out the disaster of Operation: Market-Garden. “We sent in one British and two American airborne divisions in an ill-advised plan based on an extremist ideology of victory. The result was a conclusive refutation of unconditional surrender, and we learned our lesson, didn't we Georgi?”

“Da! We learn bigtime. Well, you did, comrade.” nodded Zhukov solemnly.

A CBS reporter queried, “What about extremist elements in your party like General Patton who said, and I quote, “We want this war over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the bastards who started it. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we can go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin and Tokyo. And when we get to Berlin I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-bitch Hitler. Just like I'd shoot a snake!”

Eisenhower blushed visibly while Zhukov looked on in shock and disgust. “I regret that there are extremists in our ranks who promote radical and intolerant agendas,” apologized Eisenhower, “but we, and not they, determine the overall strategy.”

“Patton has no place in our plan!” clarified Zhukov, “Especially after he say harsh things about my mother.”

A reporter with NBC then asked, “Well, what if Hitler doesn't reciprocate with a show of good will? There's talk about him launching a counter attack through the Ardennes Forrest.”

Eisenhower and Zhukov exchanged glances and nodded. “Would be very bad idea – like plays with matches or something,” warned Zhukov. “We're ready for that,” responded Eisenhower with a steely gaze. “If he launches a counter attack, we'll see him in court.”

The press conference over, reporters began interviewing men from the first two divisions of American soldiers who were preparing to ship out from Europe and head back home.

It's simply to reassure those TEA Party thugs that want to "win" that they're in the wrong. Everybody respects Ike and Zhukov, and McConnell and Boehner are simply following their example of capitulating after a victory.

Your speech is a little slurred. Did somebody put vodka in the People's Bird Feeder? Wait! A light bulb just went on...