Ushering in a new era of openness in the notoriously secretive intelligence community, the Defense Intelligence Agency is now directing male and female employees alike to stop suppressing their inner desires and sexual fantasies simply because they work for the government.
Historically known for their all-business, i.e., homophobic and misogynistic approach towards employee behavior and appearances, the new DIA leaders now encourage their closeted staffers to pile on the makeup and express their sexuality by wearing skirts, paint their nails, 'not be afraid of color,' and participating in 'Queer Eye for the Spy Guy' professional development training.
"The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender community is encouraged by this new sign of openness to our lifestyles among the shady individuals who collect and organize military intelligence for the Pentagon," said Pat Diddler, an activist with Out in Cammo, a LGBT organization which lobbies for gay rights for military members. "If this spy agency can get in touch with itself, there are plenty of places where the same liberating attitude can take hold as well."
Since President Obama's decision to allow gays to serve in the military, many speculated that it was only a matter of time before some of the more shadowy defense agencies would also break out of the confines of traditional standards of conduct.
Experts predict that once the government takes on the responsibility to encourage this new openness, all covert agents will be officially required to 'come out,' participate in gay-pride workplace activities, and attend mandatory group encounters designed to help the reticent staffers express their suppressed private desires and secret wishes.
"It would be fabulous to see even straight spooks partake in some healthy sexual experimentation," Diddler said. "In addition to Casual Fridays, they can now have Cross-Dressing Mondays, Leather Tuesdays, Bondage Wednesdays, and S&M Thursdays."
"Everyone in the cloak-and-dagger community must have the right, so to speak, to open their cloak and expose their dagger, united in their acceptance of sexual minorities at their workplace," he said.
While some observers expect a certain degree of resentment of such activities, Diddler is confident that all intolerant or bigoted staffers can be quickly and effectively weeded out through mandatory training programs, as existing policies against discrimination in the workplace will make it a breeze for supervisors to isolate and eliminate intolerant operatives.
"You can find out a lot about a man by making him wear a dress," Diddler noted. "Given our secret agents' extensive training in concealing their true thoughts and feelings, it is imperative that cross-dressing activities become mandatory in order to find out who the homophobes are. The public should not be paying for hatred."
Bigots display intolerance as a covert DIA operative comes out of the closet.
He openly favors exposing all kinds of things.
Raise of what? There's little left to raise among your clothes. Of those two clothes, only the bra can be raised and the and the thong has to be lowered.