| In a recent post, our Party Organ Donor Ivan Betinov described his "disturbing and traumatic experience" caused by a phone answering system that directed him to "press one for English" and "PRESS TWO FOR SPANISH." Being a "differently bodied" Comrade in a Jar, Betinov was outraged by this country's continued attempts to make second-class citizens out of our undocumented worker population. He then brilliantly suggested that it was demeaning always to relegate them to "number two" status, not to mention other non-English speakers. This got me thinking: why is the "number 1" always given such status? Should not all numbers be treated as equals? |
Giants stand on the shoulders of Giants! For Comrade "Brain in the Jar" Betinov responded as follows:The Campaign for Numerical Equality has begun! 1+1=2?
NO! Replace all numerals with "X"!
X+X=X!
Comrade Betinov
Commissar Pup, I am feeling a little dizzy with success. Or maybe Scotch. Little did I know when I typed that fateful formula that I was pioneering a new science of the People's Algebra. But it fits, nyet? Much like the People's Cube, it guarantees equality of success regardless of talent or intelligence, and like all good social engineering it makes you feel good without actually accomplishing anything.Quote:
Prole X's net value of possessions ≈ Chairman's net value of possessionQuote:
Commissar Pupovich's 2 minutes paperwork/week ≈ Prole's 140 hours backbreaking labor/week
However, as we know, while we are all equal, some ranks are also more equal than others. Therefore we have "The Power Has Its Privilege" Principle. Premier Betty
If there's a test I'll still end up flunking it....Quote:
If there's a test I'll still end up flunking it....Ivan Betinov
Commisar Pup--and thank you by the way for including me in the above paper; very uncharacteristic of the Party to acknowledge the contributions of others (guess those pictures I have of you from Burning Man came in handy after all)--the implications of your extrapolation of the basic premise are staggering...[Premier Betty
If there's a test I'll still end up flunking it....Ivan Betinov
....I have seen in your posts prompts me to ask if the phrase "Geaux Tigers" means anything to you. If so, this may have big and wonderous implications for the collective
The Pup
Premier, as my esteemed collaborator Comrade Betinov has stated, you will not fail the test. Oh no, you will pass before it is over.Quote:
Oh yes! It certainly means everything to the Commissar! The Commssar is from the Home of the Fighting Bayou Bengal Tigers of LSU! Geaux #1 Tigers!Ivan Betinov
...the Bayou Bengal Tiger and the Plains-Dwelling Auburn Tiger are mortal enemies in nature...yet here in the peace that is the Party, we can and do collaborate collectively for the common good.Ivan Betinov
And here is the miracle that is the People's Cube: I too am a Tiger, but a Tiger of a different Stripe. WEGL, WEGL, War-DAMN-Eagle, Kickeminnabutt BIG BLUERed Square
Comrades, comrades... Don't you know that the People's Math has recently proven the following:Quote:
... but let's not tell any other LSU or Auburn fans...We have our reputations to protect after all.Quote:
then there was the time when LSU was playing at Auburn, some Auburn fans actually set fire to their own gymnasium during the game in a futile attempt to distract my beloved LSU Tigers.Ivan Betinov
Entirely agreed, Commissar; should we meet in person, I suggest a mutual "spitting on the shadows" exercise to maintain our public facade.Ivan Betinov
I was at that game, comrade, and not to dispute your version of the facts, but I did see the LSU defensive tackle nudging the ball backward with his toe when all other heads were turned to watch as the flames shot up above the level of the stadium....Ivan Betinov
In all seriousness, that was a Hell of a sight; the gym that went up in flames (and yes, it was a careless AU fan who had set a hot hibachi up against the wall of the building before going to the game....Flames did indeed blaze a good 200 feet in the air and the shower of sparks when the roof caved in was spectacular. But this is the SEC; they didn't stop the game or delay a single play as a four-alarm fire raged literally within 100 yards of the stadium.Ivan Betinov
I got a government grant as a differently-bodied American that provides for all my needs...seeing eye prole, transcript services, thought-controlled keyboard...the works.Commissar Pupovich
Actually, there is a very good reason why we chose to use X exclusively in this paper Comrades. We understood, as has been demonstrated in several posts, that the explanation of the People's Math™ could prove difficult for some of our comrades as it is. Therefore, in an effort to try and minimize confusion and maximize understanding, it was critical to use but one letter.
Comrade Pupovich
In your descent into capitalist pride at being recognized by our Most Equal (Red Square) and thus being Unsocialistically Placed on a People's Pedestal above the rest of us, you forget the most important mathematical principle: Absolute Value. In the Peoples Math, all values must be Absolute. All Pedestals must be equal height. To paraphrase the Party Lion, Comrade Kennedy, "How else can we make everyone above average?" Therefore, your pedestal must be as deep in a trench as are the rest of our pedestals. Indeed, most of our pedestals-- save those of our beloved leaders-- must be holes, lest we become too vain to wear the "Che" shirts to glorify the Revolution.
For those not yet graduated from the Peoples' ReEducation Camp, "Absolute Value" in the Peoples Math is the same as "Absolute Value" in other scientific disciplines--viz:
Death Science: Dead=Dead; Really Dead=Dead; Extremely Dead=Dead, and, of course, the reverse is equally "Absolute" and is generally the most scientifically appropriate expression of the Formulae of Absolutisms:
Dead=Dead
Dead=Really Dead
Dead=Extremely Dead
Reproduction Science:
Pregnant=Pregnant
More Pregnant=Pregnant
Extremely Pregnant=Pregnant.
I digress for the sake of science: I must confess having seen someone "extremely pregnant" (decades ago). It required great communication skills on my part to enable her to understand that she was merely "pregnant"; however, the stupid capitalist gynecologist convinced her otherwise and then helped her deliver concrete proof. It was then I discovered the solution-- If More Pregnant=Pregnant, then Less-Pregnant=Pregnant; hence Pregnant=Finished Being Pregnant, so I rested my case. Now, back to today's lesson:
Sexiness:
Sexy=Sexy
Extremely Sexy=Sexy
Trans-Sexy=Sexy
Non-Sexy=Sexy
NOW=Sexy
Even the most loyal party members sometimes forget this Principle of Absolute Value. For example, last year, Sharon Stone expressed the deviant thought that Hillary is "too" sexy to be President. (That link is to the WayBack Machine's archives of the internet, so scroll-down on that page to find the March 27, 2006 article.) We NOW know that since all women are equally sexy, none can be "too" sexy. And, NOW that Hillary has begun her Long March to the White House, Sharon Stone has finally recognized that all women are equally sexy and therefore, she now "exhibits" her support for Hillary:
Nevertheless, as shown below (in Flash or wmv format), there remain some women who seem determined to undermine Party Doctrine that all women are "equally sexy." (Patience may be required for loading-time before "play" becomes operational)
Now, to resume the lesson by focusing on labor.
Labor=Labor
Overtime Labor=Labor
Ooops-- can't go there-- This might cause a disability in the lever-pulling arms or chad-punching fingers or screen-touching fingers of our always dependable Unionized Order of Perpetual Students in Voting ReEducation. I guess we sometimes must sacrifice science on the altar of what's best for those on the pedestals higher than, but equal in height to, our own.
So, Comrade Pupovich, the Collectivist Power of my mind's knowledge that all our pedestals are equal enables me to block the pain of the strain in my neck as I turn my head steeply upward to admire your glorious visage on your pedestal, the height-of-which-greater-than-mine=the-height-of-mine. Hence, the final formula:
Pedestalism:
Pedestal=Pedestal
Average Pedestal=Pedestal
Higher Pedestal=Pedestal
Lower Pedestal=Pedestal
Thus, your Higher Pedestal=My Extremely Low Pedestal. I bow to your superior equality.
Kommisar of Fatwas (for the WorkPlace)
Kommisar of Fatwas
In your descent into capitalist pride at being recognized by our Most Equal (Red Square) and thus being Unsocialistically Placed on a People's Pedestal above the rest of us, you forget the most important mathematical principle: Absolute Value. In PeopleMath™, all values must be Absolute. All Pedestals must be equal height. To paraphrase the Party Lion, Comrade Kennedy, "How else can we make everyone above average?" Therefore, your pedestal must be as deep in a trench as are the rest of our pedestals. Indeed, most of our pedestals-- save those of our beloved leaders-- must be holes, lest we become too vain to wear the "Che" shirts to glorify the Revolution.
Comrade Hasan
Comrades, I am beginning to understand this math.Red Square
Ivan Betinov
...the Bayou Bengal Tiger and the Plains-Dwelling Auburn Tiger are mortal enemies in nature...yet here in the peace that is the Party, we can and do collaborate collectively for the common good.Commissar M
Comrade Commissar Pupovich, this is truly the greatest revolution in Progressive education since "new math" was introduced during the 1960s- '70s. If we think the Proletariat Youth are dumb now, wait'll they start learning this. Glorious!Zampolit Blokhayev

Ivan Betinov
Zampolit Blokhayev, I do believe that come next Sunday one of us will want to kill the other. Tell you what: Let's make a bet on the Ironbowl, loser has to kiss an Uzbeck.Quote:
Better yet...Ivan Betinov
Quote:
If there's a test I'll still end up flunking it....Commissar Pupovich
Ivan Betinov
....I have seen in your posts prompts me to ask if the phrase "Geaux Tigers" means anything to you. If so, this may have big and wonderous implications for the collective
Ivan Betinov
Quote:
Better yet...Commissar Pupovich
I must admit, I am a bit surprised there was no comment on the Bear Bryant Memorial Power plant above from either of you. LOLO'Brien
Not only should we mandate equality in numbers, but in letters as well. We should mandate that letters be given equal representation in sentences, a Fairness Doctrine fot the Alphabet if you will. For every letter used you must use all of the other letters in the alphabet in that sentence.LoneRedStar
Hey I resemble that remark.....Zampolit Blokhayev
Commissar Pupovich
Zampolit Blokhayev
Ivan Betinov
Zampolit Blokhayev, I do believe that come next Sunday one of us will want to kill the other. Tell you what: Let's make a bet on the Ironbowl, loser has to kiss an Uzbeck.Quote:
Loser has to kiss Janet Reno. And it can't be some lame, dutiful little peck on the cheek like you give to your grandma. You have to use your tongue. And you have to put it ALL the way in her mouth (Janet's, not Grandma's), past the teeth and hold it for the count of X.



Comrad Bubalasky
Quote:
Comrade I am truly scared of this "E" grading system. What does this e mean if we are all X is E=X? Is it an e for effort? Dare i say is it E for Exceptional? We can have no such Exceptionality in our Utopia (except for the MTE of course and approved party members)Commissar Pupovich
Ivan Betinov
....I have seen in your posts prompts me to ask if the phrase "Geaux Tigers" means anything to you. If so, this may have big and wonderous implications for the collective
The Tsarevna
Comerades! We must contact CAIR before changing numerals or insisting that they not be used. Numerals are, after all, Arabic, and we do not want to seem xenophobic. All things are equal, but numerals are perhaps even more so.The Tsarevna
Wow, Commissar Pup! Can we borrow that in Michigan and have our last game of the season be Go to Hell Ohio State day? We used to be a French outpost too, you know. (Or should I say, ouie iaeux-s tou bi `a fringe aoutposte tu, iauex neaux?)Red Square
The Tsarevna
Comerades! We must contact CAIR before changing numerals or insisting that they not be used. Numerals are, after all, Arabic, and we do not want to seem xenophobic. All things are equal, but numerals are perhaps even more so.Commissarka Pinkie
I thought X = whatever I want it to be--whatever makes me feel good about myself. That's what they told me in public school. Anything else could shatter my self-esteem and make me want to go out and get a job working for some capitalist slimebag (pardon the redundancy).Hillary
And just how are we going to label thoughtcriminals? Huh? HUH?Hillary
And just how are we going to label thoughtcriminals? Huh? HUH?Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 6 guests
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed
Channel list
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed
Channel list
Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
I Own The World
Supercommissar Maksim
It's Big Fur Hat
Blur-Brain
Terry Colon
The Fine Report
The Looking Spoon
Sad Hill News
Professor Kurgman
kathy blog
FAQster
AWOL Civilization
BestObamaFacts.com
Looking at the Left
Red Planet Cartoons
Julia Gorin
Brain Terminal
Death By 1000 Papercuts
Zombietime