Politically Correct Pickup Lines

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The recently surfaced pictures of Senator John Kerry partying with a group of underage intoxicated female voters underscored the urgent need for Party-approved pickup lines, so that progressive leaders would no longer embarrass the movement with lame offers to "play socialized medicine," or brag about their "really small carbon footprint." If applied correctly, such pickup lines would save the working people and the middle class of this country innumerable hours they would rather devote to advancing progress in their communities.
Below are some of our suggestions, broken down by categories. Feel free to add your own.


  1. They say I have animal attraction because I'm attracted to animals.
  2. Do you dance? Then go dance and let me have a word with your boyfriend.
  3. If you were half as pretty as I am I might continue this conversation.
  4. Wait till I show you my gigantic ego!
  5. You are so metrosexual that I would marry your toaster just to get into your family.
  6. Want to come up to my loft and play socialized medicine?

Image Image Image Image Image

  1. Hi, can I offer you a carbon offset?
  2. Are you always this hot - or did you just release a cloud of global warming gases?
  3. Would you come to my place and help me recycle some rubber?
  4. Baby, you so hot, you should be banned under the Kyoto Accords!
  5. Let's go back to your place and cut back on your carbon imprint.
  6. If we share our body heat, we can lower the thermostat by another ten degrees. You do want to save the polar bears, don't you?
Bush hater:

  1. I'm lonely tonight and it's Bush's fault!
  2. Bush lied, and now I'm about to die! Will you take pity on me?
  3. Can I interest you in a discussion about Bush, Dick, and Colin?
  4. Want to see an interpretive dance about impeaching Bush?
  5. Did you know that HBO also stands for Hate Bush Orgasm? Want to find out why?
  6. Let's go down to my Mom's basement and defeat Bush together.
Leftist professor:

  1. Has anyone told you that you look like Socialism with a human face?
  2. They call me Mao Tse Dong.
  3. Want to practice some diversity after classes?
  4. Is your father Bill Ayers? 'Cause you're a bomb!
  5. Didn't I see you in the library - on the cover of Communist Manifesto?
  6. It's the Che way or the highway.
Democrat Party Strategist:

  1. I'd like your opinion on my poll.
  2. What is your favorite position in the energy crisis debate?
  3. Damn baby, you have more curves than the Democrat Party line.
  4. I promise not to gusher when I drill. I'll pull out like a good Democrat Party plan for Iraq.
  5. Want to go see the Donkey Show in Denver this month?
  6. Turn out the lights and lets play "Find the Speaker."
Obama supporter:

  1. I'm always the one I've been waiting for, but tonight I'm hoping to change that!
  2. How'd you like to feel a thrill up your leg?
  3. Why won't you go out with me? Is it because I don't look like all those other guys you see on dollar bills?
  4. So you're looking for a guy just like Barack? Stinky feet, snores, can't remember to fold the laundry or put the butter away, or close the bread so it doesn't dry out? I'm your man!
  5. Let me show you my pressure gauge and we'll see if it gives you more mileage.
  6. Free moustache rides with every tuneup. Lift your hood and let's get started.

  1. Let's get hammered and I'll show you my sickle
  2. I'm the comrade who puts the "pro" into progressive.
  3. Are you up for a few revolutions? 'Cause I'm up for a massive uprising!
  4. Has Nader won the elections? Cause this must be workers' paradise!
  5. If I say you have a beautiful subsidy would you hold it against me?
  6. I have a five year plan and it includes you. It doesn't have to be five years, one night works for me.

  1. Would you like to be a mote in our vast collective?
  2. It is our duty closely to examine all Party Organs.
  3. We strive for the collective ownership of the means of reproduction.
  4. I'll show you my collective farm if you bring a girlfriend.
  5. Let's join efforts and work together for the common good.
  6. Put your hands behind your back and stand still, so we can pick you up!
Old School (Bolshevik):

  1. Do you ride in this box car often?
  2. Is this the Lubyanka? You have my heart locked up.
  3. Care to come to my dacha and plant some turnips?
  4. I've got an All-Russia Congress of the Workers' and Soldiers' Soviets in my pants, and you've just been nominated to the Central Committee!
  5. I'm a Commissar, I can make good things happen for you or I can have bad things happen. Which shall it be?
  6. The State said we have to... Is required.
Commissarka Pinkie: Progressive women don't use pickup lines - we skank ourselves up, sit on the barstool with our skirt hitched over our thighs and one leg propped up like Anne Bancroft, and hope some equal loser of the opposite sex will stop throwing darts or playing pinball long enough to take pity on us.

That being said, here are my favorite crowd pleasers:

  • Just where does that shovel of yours end?
  • Want me to show you a true worker's paradise?
  • Wanna plant carrots with me?
  • Lookin' for a new hoe?
  • I've always heard it's not the size of the shovel that counts - it's how fast and deep you can dig with it.
Communists for Kerry: If we are to discard the old bourgeois moral values, we must make sure that no void is left in their place. This can be achieved through mandatory sensitivity and diversity training sessions, which would arm the community with effective tools of achieving progress in all areas of communal life, especially such popular activity as spontaneous sex with drunken strangers.
Progressive pickup lines above have been generated by the Groupthink computer. Plugged in were the brains of Red Square, Commissarka Pinkie, Marshal Pupovich, Ivan Betinov, Laika the Space Dog, Margaret, and other members of the people's collective.

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Ut oh...looks like there is some code leakage somewheres?

Anybody else see the text going to the right?
Pun not intended.

Thanks for the revolutionary vigilance. Problem fixed (it only appeared in IE, the Firefox at the headquarters displayed it correctly.

-- Red Square


Safari clobbers it too--Theocritus.

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Heh. Heheheheh. I got plugged into the GroupThink Computer.

Ali Mentary

Tovarich Kerry gavarit:

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl we coudn't get much higher.
Come on babe inflate my tire
Come on babe inflate my tire


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Da, is good information I must try.

I am most confused since I love bush and hate Bush.


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I approve this modern collectivist foreplay. It is good to combine edukation with fornikation. Old school hook ups were rough and sudden causing bruising and hay fever. Always it was back to the potatoes with barely time for Party salute or cigarette. In new century females have choice of partner in variety of body hair and skin texture. The hairless Dandys of old days were detested but now have proud Party standing as metrosexual sympathizers showing progressive Big Barn attitude.

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Speaking of politically correct foreplay and time-saving techniques, today I came across this wonderful "global warming" ice breaker. If this doesn't help you strike the right tone, nothing else will...

And there's more where it came from:

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Comrades, I think that you have drunk too deeply from the capitalist, meritocratic well. All of your pick-up lines are merely riffs on ones which <i>have some personal identity in them</i>.

A true socialist would say, "I may be as fat as Michael Moore and as bald as Kojak, but it is your duty to have sex with me for I am owed it just by being alive. I may not have the money of Michael Moore to make the sex more interesting but then it is oppressive capitalism for you to require money. Cannot you see my progressive heart beating beneath the hundredweight of man boobs?

"It is your duty as a compassionate liberal to haul my ashes because no one else does. Because I am sexually disenfranchised. In fact I insist that no more rappers have sex until Carmen Electra and Beyonce both ring my bell over and over."

I am ashamed that in this august forum you would even think of the need for a pick-up line. After all, sex is a right. In fact I'm going to expound on that right a Gold's Gym right now and tell them their progressive duty.

I exist. I am owed.

I am the Mime.

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I agree Commissar, just the fact that we are in need should be more than sufficient for a real socialist he/she/appliance babe to do whatever it takes to satisfy my needs, Of course, on the down side, being a true socialist babe, she will fail to fulfill the "5 Minute Plan."

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But you always get to make another five-minute plan, no? In fact one after the other.

I just hope that these five-minute plans don't end in tears and reassurances that it's never happened before.

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Is the 5 year plan the correct metaphor here? After all, they focus on OUTPUT, and I believe the key interest in comradely fellowship is INPUT.

Commissar Theocritus has an excellent point - I exist, therefore I deserve sexual gratification of any form I choose at any frequency I desire. Pickup lines are for frustrated Republican day-traders and software developers.

The real turn-on for true collectivists - as I have discovered with the kittens in my collective - is purity of political thought. Read the 5-year plan to them instead of foreplay. With correct inflection and a suitably passionate recital, the politically reliable pussycat will be purring with pleasure as you outline projected farm implement quotas. Don't forget the seed drill statistics.

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Are you a big-endian or a little-endian? I am not so orthodox and can with ease think of putting in or putting out.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Are you a big-endian or a little-endian? I am not so orthodox and can with ease think of putting in or putting out.

In my native Shanghai, Commissar, both sides of the street are wide and well traveled. And, sadly, so are its gutters. One comrade's virgin is another comrade's whore. One comrade's right is another comrades's wrong.

A haiku to parody the destruction of the hedonistic west:

It is all about me
all of the time
summer breeze heralds the mime

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Must we spell it out Comrade Cat? We are talking about our need. Our need only seeks the completion of our 5 Minute Plan. Now if someone else has a Party approved need, and they have a 5 minute Plan, I hope Lenin blesses them with completion of said plan, provided they clean up after themselves.

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Pickup lines? These are old whores for the taking. A 'Mujahid' does not have to speak in order to gain possession of a slave woman. "One's right hand possesses!!!...."

Your kind of thinking is most unholy.

The blessed way is purchase a few young girls for marriage.

I am Sheik Abu Ibn Ali Moham son of Fakhr

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How could you forget of us War Protesters?! I present a few to fellow comrades,

Iraq? How about your rack?
Let's go back to my place and picket!
I do it grassroots style, do you?
You can camp at my place!
My house has it's own protest sign, want to see it?

Ali Mentary wrote:Sdrasviche!

Tovarich Kerry gavarit:

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl we coudn't get much higher.
Come on babe inflate my tire
Come on babe inflate my tire



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7. Let's get natural and party!
8. A logging company is coming tomorrow. This could be your last chance to climb my tree.
9. How'd you like to help me plant my seed?
10. I've got a copy of "An Inconvenient Truth" on DVD. What say we watch it and make sure it ends in a climax?
11. I'm 40. Think how many tree rings wide my root is.
12. You're as beautiful as a flower and I've got one hell of a pistil and plenty of stamen.
13. Have you ever sewn wild oats? (In case there's confusion about Wild Oats Markets: "No, not the organic grocery sell-outs, the real thing.")
14. The Japanese revere nature and loving sculpt trees and bushes with tender loving strokes, passionate caresses developed over centuries, and I know what I'm talking about, X-<i>chan</i>.
15. It might be a <i>bon mot</i>, but I bet I can make your <i>bon-sai</i>.
16. I'm organizing a small group to protect sapsuckers. Would you like to contribute to the cause?
17. It's a beautiful day. What say we do a little field work.
18. Damn! The hair on your legs is fine, girl!
19. I've got the stem and you've got the bush--let's play ecosystem.

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Come to my house, Tovarich. I'll tell you the PIN of my capitalist-pig brother's ATM card.

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I was impressed with the strong show of diversity, with comrades of all races, creeds, and colors at the Pro-Kerry rally. We should all remember the great sacrifices and risks the Haughty John Kerry, who served in vietnam, took, when he served as a double Agent in Vietnam for our side, the USSR.

Again though, what diversity....


Red Square wrote:Speaking of politically correct foreplay and time-saving techniques, today I came across this wonderful "global warming" ice breaker. If this doesn't help you strike the right tone, nothing else will...

And there's more where it came from:

Comrade Square, I trust you read the ever-important disclaimer our comrades left us at that link....

Disclaimer: The funny t-shirts found on are just novelty items. None of the proceeds will go toward the fight against Global Warming. You are not purchasing Carbon Credits or Carbon Offsets. Wearing these t-shirts will not actually make you Carbon Neutral or eliminate any Greenhouse Gases (GHG) including, but not limited to, Carbon Dioxide (CO2) or Methane (CH4). You cannot trade Carbon Credits for sex in an attempt to Prevent Global Warming

Damn it! God Damn Amerika!

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I fail to see the big thing here. After all, how hard is it to pose a cardboard cutout of non-person K with some party gals?

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Kerry doesn't have a carbon footprint; he has a carbon cutout. (Whatever that means).

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That is an interesting point Red Square, do our cardboard cutouts really need to pay for carbon credits? Or for that matter, how about our necro voters? Haven't they already paid the price for theirs?

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No one ever pays a sufficient price for me. And how can the necroproxy voters complain? They're dead after all. Ask Landslide Lyndon.

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Well, since they no longer consume, it is hard to understand why they need pay, After all, the Party above all must be fair....

Bwahhhhaaahhhaaaaa!!! It was all I could do to type that!

Of course they can and will pay Commissar!

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It still brings a tear to my eye, a tear of admiration, to think of the Chicoms who billed the families of thoughtcriminals for the bullets used to recycle them.

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Did they not steal that idea from the Motherland?

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I am not a racist. Any good totalitarian port in a storm. Chicom, Soviet, even Jolly Danny Ortega. What's sauce for the commissar is sauce for the commissarka.

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It was most inappropriate for me to have used the word "steal" commissar. It was Bush's fault of course. It is obvious that Progressive thinking is not limited to but one People's state and so a good idea such as having the family pay for the bullet is bound to emerge naturally from the logic of a Peoples State.

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Yes, and I'm thinking of filing a lawsuit against the company that made the bullet--see my logic? Get 'em both ways.

A true aspirationist should be flexible in his planning, you see--follow the money for that's where the power is. And that also insulates you from the proles who don't wash the way they should.

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And what of Bullet%20For%20My%20Valentine? Do we charge them for the bullets they use?


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Why stop at the bullet manufacturer? We should also go after Big Steel, Big Lead, and Big Gunpowder for providing the means to make said bullet. Speaking of tears flowing.... today I saw a sight I did not think was still out there to see.... yes, I saw candy cigarettes in the store, and not just one, but 3 different brands! Yes, get the proles early so they purchase the Peoples Beet Smokes, while at the same time bringing in a new generation of necro voters.

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What of the old classic:

Pantload of Revolution!

Some of the variations:

"Who wants to see my pantload of revolution?"
"I have a pantload of revolution with your name all over it!"
"My pantload of revolution is ready to blow like Russia 1917!"
"If you were a true Bolshevik, you would join my pantload of revolution!"
"Show me your Proles and I'll show you my pantload of revolution"

And so on....



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How 'bout...

"Ooooh.... Chairman Mousevitch Punchy-wunchy... let's get out of here and go back to my Party™ subsidized nine bedroom apartment and kommisarate with each other... the peasants are revolting".....

Oh wait... didn't Dr. P use that on you last year?

Glorious Red... aren't you glad I'm sick?... I only post one and is stolen from Dr. P though I doubt Punchenko remembers.

Sister Massively Opiated...

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another popped into my fevered brain.... a slightly jihadist flavour....

Did I accidentally detonate, or is paradise missing a virgin? (or a martyr... I guess it depends on your orientation)

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SMO!!!! You are back!!! It is so wonderful to see you again Comrade! And I mean that from the bottom of my soulless, Lenin fearing, greedy, self centered, progressive, black heart!

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Spasibo Comrade Marshal Pupovich...

... while I'm here, a few more, but still not up to snuff... perhaps when I'm feeling a bit better.. in any case, I was much taken with Comrade Commisarka Pinkie's 'tool'-inspired submissions, and the Party knows how I appreciate a good tool...

- Comrade, you must be a Party Standard Issue Peoples Broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
- Comrade, would you like to come back to the Kolkhozy and plow my field?
- If I admire your Party Organ, would you hold it against me?
- Can I pretend your pants are Georgia and invade them? (okay... that was just tasteless... I'll just denounce myself now...)

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Here is my favorite pickup line...


Dance with me or else I'll ship your kids to siberia in a box.

Oh! Another one!


I have gas and am very cranky. Dance with me or else I'll have the NKVD burn down your hut and slaughter your livestock.

This one always works...

I have alot of money and power.

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Great thing about appliance sex.... no need for pick up lines, progressive or otherwise.

I must confess this romancing is a weak point of mine. Best pickup line I could muster before I became a more equal comrade was "What kind of subsidy would it take?"

Now I prefer to imitate the Chairman's more direct approach such as...

Yes, that is an AK-47 in my pocket and I am glad to see you.

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Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:Hey baby, The Party is in my pants!

Yes, yes, we know, but is everyone invited again like last year? We were all impressed with your surprisingly LARGE TURNOUT (my compliments, as always, dear comrade doctor)

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Are you a big-endian or a little-endian? I am not so orthodox and can with ease think of putting in or putting out.
Just to clarify, Comrade Commissar Theocritus, might one say that you are asking, in other words, "Are you the Peoples bitch or the Peoples butch? I am very flexible (waggle eyebrows suggestively here)."

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So, could I buy you a grande double-mocha-latte made from the finest, organic Columbian coffee beans?

What's a zealous young apparachik like you doing in a decadent, kapitalist establishment like this?

Hey baby, you can carry my protest placard anytime!

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Ah Dr Palimpsest, why would a handsome Hero of the Collective such as you ever need such lines?

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Come to my house, Tovarich. I'll tell you the PIN of my capitalist-pig brother's ATM card.

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Comrade Commissar Theocritus,

Thank you for the individual collective compliment, which I will redistribute to those more needy than myself, as I will do when I get that PIN and redistribute the capitalist exploitation units to which it will provide me access.

Speaking thereof, allow me to propose an alternative: I have 914 comrades in Nigeria who might be able to provide a way to access said account without a physical visit. Not only would that save me the cost of gas, it would strike a minor blow against the Big Oil eco-terrorists (and also give me, potentially, a new environmentalist pickup line). Not only is my alternative alternative, it would also empower some oppressed and exploited Third Worlders ripe for Revolution.

In solidarity to the cause,


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Marshal Pupovich said: "Yes, that is an AK-47 in my pocket and I am glad to see you."

Ah, I'm relieved. I had mistaken it for a Polonium-tipped retractable umbrella.

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Comrade_Tovarich wrote:Marshal Pupovich said: "Yes, that is an AK-47 in my pocket and I am glad to see you."

Ah, I'm relieved. I had mistaken it for a Polonium-tipped retractable umbrella.

Y'know.... I have one of those... no... not a Kalashnikov... and no... not a rodney... But I do have a Polonium-tipped retractable umbrella... Red gave it to me for my birthday a few years back and I will treasure it always...

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I've got an AK-47. You can borrow it if you want to, Sister.

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Only if you'll let me show you how to field strip my Uzi and clean it... there's a little silly piece of solder that's supposed to keep it from being set on automatic (as some types of automatic weapons are illegal in Canadistan...), but it's easily knocked up... I mean off...

Or if you prefer, I'll show you my AUG and you can look through my tritium night site... it's a .223, but you know what they say.... 'it's not the calibre of the weapon... it's the spread of the ammo..."... and I've never gone for jacketed myself...

Wait... this is the politically correct pick-up line thread... right?...

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Yeah...I went jacketed one time and all I got for my trouble was a knocked up target...wait, I mean knocked off. See, now I'm all confused...

By the way, I'd take a peek through your tritium night site anytime.

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It does a socialist's heart good to see SMO engaging in politically correct pick up lines with Comrade Kalishnikov. Oh, and I would like to see that plotonium tipped umbrella!

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You may be interested in the weekend special at the Pup's Party Pleasure Palace? It comes with the partner the state chooses for you with a complementary beet dip and fried rat on a stick.