New Spirit of Municipal Randomness

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Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness

Image New York firefighters perform random dousing of
one house per neighborhood per week.

Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions.

Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves."

Starting next week, municipal randomness will be implemented as follows:
Image Doctors randomly treating
tooth pain

Image Kelly: "If we're all suspects,
then no one is a suspect,
and no one will feel hurt."

  • The Fire Department will douse random houses according to a strict formula of one house per neighborhood per week. A spokesman said, "Since it will be random, we'll soak a real fire every so often. It's inevitable."
  • The Sanitation Department will remove random property from people's homes. Commissioner Doherty said, "Sometimes, we'll take away your garbage. But other times, we might tow your car. All depends on the throw of the dice." He emphatically denied rumors that people would be kidnapped from their driveways, however. "But if we did, I can assure you it would be random."
  • City Hospitals will treat patients for random diseases. Most often, patients will receive treatment for heart attacks and cancer, but it will be done without bias towards their actual malady. Medical authorities feel that such an approach will not, for instance, stigmatize stroke patients with stroke care. And they feel that when heart-attack patients receive a random treatment of chemotherapy, they will be more sensitized to the ordeals of cancer patients - or at least those cancer patients who aren't treated for appendicitis.
  • Mayor Bloomberg will invest his money in a random fashion. Said The Mayor: "I'll spin the wheel at Atlantic City to see what I should do with my money. And with any luck, the random outcome will have me spend it all right there with Mr. Trump."

Others have caught "random fever" as well. ACLU President Nadine Strossen announced that her legal group already began defending random causes. She pointed out that "it's just so equitable and non-discriminatory." Their first random cause, selected by drawing straws, will be to defend a group of young men who blow up abortion clinics. Strossen said, "That will be a little out of character for us - but then, we already defended Nazis. The transition will be easy."

Randi Weingarten
FINALLY! Somebody (besides the United Federation of Teachers) gets it!

Our random curriculum policy, while a grand success, has been widely misunderstood. Perhaps now people will see the light.

When it comes down to it, choosing one subject of study over another, or emphasizing one subject rather than another, is a sign of <b><i>BIAS</i></b>. Therefore, in a just society, randomness (based on "Heisenbergian Social Theory") is absolutely necessary. If history has taught us anything, it has taught us that randomness is the rule. After all, if things weren't random, then Bush would never be President, and white men would never be in charge!

At the Board of Ed, we strive for randomness. Our principals are appointed through random lottery, our grades are distributed in a double-blind manner, and we attempt to eradicate all points of view from our materials. Of course, occasionally a point of view seems to come across, but that is only because the lack of a WHITE MALE DOMINATED point of view SEEMS LIKE A POINT OF VIEW ITSELF when in fact the playingfield is so level and frictionless as to be a utopian surface, created by the entities formerly known as "Gods."

Keep up the good work people! We are on our way!

(By the way, nothing is funny about random salary increases for teachers. These must be based on sound fiscal policy and must occur every quarter.)

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The Global Front for Healthcare has started its annual "Prostate Health" drive. In accordance with our commitment to fairness, no profiling of patients will be performed. Individuals who are male or female and of any age will be screened in a random fashion. Unfortunately, due to limited resources, the screenings will be by lottery out of necessity. If you receive a screening ticket YOU MUST COMPLY! Excuses (e.g. "I'm a woman," "I'm only fourteen," or "I've already had my prostate removed twenty years ago") will not be tolerated. This year, every fifth prostate screening comes with a free mammogram, pelvic exam and testicular cancer screening, so enjoy!

Elsworth Toohey
Reminds me of a similar practice that has been used by census counters. I believe they get an actual hand count of citizens and then round up a certain percentage to account for those that they may have missed or those ethnis c groups that may not trust census takers.

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I was delighted to have my ovaries X-rayed the other day.

Reporting Comrades,

I have finalized my report on black social collectivism!

Based on my research, African Americans are supporting in a bloc our "Dear Leaders" Bill and Hillary Clinton. The relationship between our party, African Americans, and our Dear Leader have never been stronger.

They have even made our "Dear Leader" officaly black, like a magic wand, they have made him "black".

They also have denied blackness to undercover blacks, who are the enemies of the State! They have been working to keep the people's cube from black folks! These fascist, uncle tom, capitalist pigs have been identified by names as Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell, Condi Rice, all are according to our records officialy no longer black!!!!

We have given them some state approved drugs, to see if they were born black or if they were white CIA operatives! We will know soon comrades! Within weeks their skin will get lighter and lighter until it starts to peel and boil, revealing the spies' true colors. Good ole White Craker, Republicans!

We will report as soon as possible... stay tuned!

I have also articulated to the people how Neo-Progressive ideas will help them become dependent on the STATE! And according to the last reports, it's been working like a charm.

I have sent the 10.000 dollar check, to the "ministry of minority propraganda". Minsiters Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, who are ministers for the State, are often confused for men of the cloth!

Comrades, we thought this mishap would hurt us but as time has gone on it has been a, well, a blessing!

"Amen" Comrades! Amen!... And can the Church say AMEN!!!

bohemian like you
I love the new randomness.

The courts awarded me back child support for someone else's kids! Only in Amerika!


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I tried making a randomizer in C++ once, but it didn't work.

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What do you know, The Village Voice linked to this story this morning, in a rather moot article about ACLU and racial profiling. ... es-6667322

But they liked us, judging from this excerpt:

No Lawsuit Ceasefire on NYPD Searches

The Village Voice wrote:Most importantly, if anyone hasn't seen the brilliant send-up of the "random" searches from The People's Cube, see it here. It'll keep you chuckling as you try to find the token booth clerk in our new, safer subways.

If any of The Village Voice readers get as far as this line, I'd recommend they also check out our story about The Village Voice here -

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I remembered this old spoof the other day, seeing how the old "unbiased randomness" is being reborn on a larger scale as "unbiased totalitarianism."

There is a reason why no one is trying to prevent fires by equally dousing all houses, or to treat the irritable bowel syndrome by mandating that the entire population takes one and the same pill, or to make a living by investing money equally into all stocks, regardless of their performance. Why can't the same common sense be applied to our security? Unless there are other considerations at play...

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Comrade Square,

No longer will fireman, for example, be able to lay around, the firehouse and lift weights, and clean things.

The tax payer will get "more banged up" by having perpetual fire drills and call response,
Try to get the chiefs moving without quantities of prune juice and ex lax.