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The People's Alphabet

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Comrades, I have noticed an enormous inequality in the world. Some letters are larger and take more ink than do others, and some words have more letters and sound cooler. After a great deal of thought, I have come up with a solution, The People's Alphabet. This new progressive alphabet has one letter: A. All words are spelled "AAA". Thus we will not be dealing with such inequalities in words anymore. All proles should immediately be renamed "AAA", although we in the Party, being more equal, will all keep our names. The proles should be made to only speak in repetitions of AAA. Thus, all words are now equal.

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Comrade Joe - this is a wholesome Marxist idea, yet I must denounce you for using the bourgeois ambitious "I'm the first one" letter A. In addition, it takes wasteful training on part of the prole children to learn to write it - and we must always remember to care about the children.

The most equal letter is, of course, O. It's easy to write, consists of only one line, appears in the middle of the current alphabet, and is a symbol of the glorious Nothingness of our Living Messiah in the White House.

In addition, the image of lips pronouncing the O sound conveys the notion of sucking. Works on so many levels, from sucking on the government tit and on to endless horizons.

The most progressive letter is, beyond any doubt, O.

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Red Square wrote:Comrade Joe - this is a wholesome Marxist idea, yet I must denounce you for using the bourgeois ambitious "I'm the first one" letter A. In addition, it takes wasteful training on part of the prole children to learn to write it - and we must always remember to care about the children.

The most equal letter is, of course, O. It's easy to write, consists of only one line, appears in the middle of the current alphabet, and is a symbol of the glorious Nothingness of our Living Messiah in the White House.

In addition, the image of lips pronouncing the O sound conveys the notion of sucking. Works on so many levels, from sucking on the government tit and on to endless horizons.

The most progressive letter is, beyond any doubt, O.

Comrade Red Square, I denounce you for saying that the easiest letter to write is an O, when it is clearly an l. l is just one line, as opposed to the circle O. It is much easier to remember and to teach to the children. After all, it is far harder to draw a circle than a line. Therefore, the most progressive letter is clearly l.

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I is individualistic. If we are to develop selfless sacrifice of the individual to the collective, we must dispose of the letter I.

Besides, it is hard and harmful to self-esteem, to keep the letter I straight. O can be as curvy as you can draw it, and you don't even have to connect the two ends to make it look like O.

As for the denunciation of me, People's Director, we surely hope you will denounce yourself and launch a campaign of public self-criticism, self-flagellation, and self-incrimination within the next fifteen minutes, if you don't wish all of your extended family to end their lives in Camp 22, unaware of your whereabouts.

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Red Square wrote:I is individualistic. If we are to develop selfless sacrifice of the individual to the collective, we must dispose of the letter I.

Besides, it is hard and harmful to self-esteem, to keep the letter I straight. O can be as curvy as you can draw it, and you don't even have to connect the two ends to make it look like O.

As for the denunciation of me, People's Director, we surely hope you will denounce yourself and launch a campaign of public self-criticism, self-flagellation, and self-incrimination within the next fifteen minutes, if you don't wish all of your extended family to end their lives in Camp 22, unaware of your whereabouts.

I once again denounce you for failing to realize that l is a lower-case L, not an I.

As for my family, I sent them to Camp 22 years ago.

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1111. . . 1101 10011 1011010 110 100110, 0 1011011 101011 1010.
(Hmmm. . . This confuse the people, I suggest binary code)

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I denounce Comrade Joe for twice denouncing Comrade Red Square. Furthermore an elite group of mostly sober Revolutionary Red Guards(TM) has been dispatched to Comrade Joe's location. There is much looting and destruction to do I think. My Che Monster is giddy with joy at the thought of this action.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade Joe for twice denouncing Comrade Red Square. Furthermore an elite group of mostly sober Revolutionary Red Guards(TM) has been dispatched to Comrade Joe's location. There is much looting and destruction to do I think. My Che Monster is giddy with joy at the thought of this action.

I presume you are referring to the people that just pulled up in my front yard, took out a rocket launcher, pointed it at the ground at their feet, and blew themselves up, correct? Anyway, I denounce you as well.

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01001, 101011 1010, 01'1 1011 01 "1"1 011 "0"1, 01 01100110 "1"1 011 "0"1.
(Again, binary code, it's both of "L"s and "O"s, or actually "1"s and "0"s.

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Comrade Joe wrote:
Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade Joe for twice denouncing Comrade Red Square. Furthermore an elite group of mostly sober Revolutionary Red Guards(TM) has been dispatched to Comrade Joe's location. There is much looting and destruction to do I think. My Che Monster is giddy with joy at the thought of this action.

I presume you are referring to the people that just pulled up in my front yard, took out a rocket launcher, pointed it at the ground at their feet, and blew themselves up, correct? Anyway, I denounce you as well.

LENIN DAMNIT! I TOLD THOSE TROTSKY LOVERS NOT TO DRINK ON THE JOB. Mmmph. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

Anyway I gave a Che Monster a rifle, watch out for that.

Ya ya ya, you denounce me too. Got it. Do you know how many denouncements I get EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK? Boring. Goes straight into the recycle bin, where they are ground up and used to stretch out the gruel for the proles.

Anyway I sent ANOTHER squad after you. You will answer to Revolutionary Justice(TM) or I'll run out of Revolutionaries, one or the other.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:
Comrade Joe wrote:
Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade Joe for twice denouncing Comrade Red Square. Furthermore an elite group of mostly sober Revolutionary Red Guards(TM) has been dispatched to Comrade Joe's location. There is much looting and destruction to do I think. My Che Monster is giddy with joy at the thought of this action.

I presume you are referring to the people that just pulled up in my front yard, took out a rocket launcher, pointed it at the ground at their feet, and blew themselves up, correct? Anyway, I denounce you as well.

LENIN DAMNIT! I TOLD THOSE TROTSKY LOVERS NOT TO DRINK ON THE JOB. Mmmph. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

Anyway I gave a Che Monster a rifle, watch out for that.

Ya ya ya, you denounce me too. Got it. Do you know how many denouncements I get EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK? Boring. Goes straight into the recycle bin, where they are ground up and used to stretch out the gruel for the proles.

Anyway I sent ANOTHER squad after you. You will answer to Revolutionary Justice(TM) or I'll run out of Revolutionaries, one or the other.

I can only conclude that the other squad was the group of men that jumped out of a truck waving weapons and ran towards my house a few minutes ago. They stepped on a mine I planted in my garden. Thus far, I have not needed to use any of my own goons at all. You'll have to send more, I guess.

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Actually I sent an all women squad this time. Perhaps they failed to shave this morning?

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Actually I sent an all women squad this time. Perhaps they failed to shave this morning?

Given the pictures of the women in your base my spies sent me, I'd say that that is likely.

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I am preparing a very stern warning Comrade Joe! Just you watch out. Also did you see the rockets I launched?

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:I am preparing a very stern warning Comrade Joe! Just you watch out. Also did you see the rockets I launched?

Yes, I saw those rockets. My specially trained suicide missile defense pigeons took them out.

"Stern warning" this:


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So you have trained pigeons eh? I'm sure Commissar Theocritus would be most interested in knowing that.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:So you have trained pigeons eh? I'm sure Commissar Theocritus would be most interested in knowing that.

Yes, I have them. They are trained to fly into missiles and blow them up in the air. Training them to do that is really hard, as I'm sure you can imagine.

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They take talent-shitting on Theocritus' garage door as a hobby when they're off duty.

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Methinks that soon Comrade Joe will have Bruno to deal with as well.

Meanwhile I've dispatched a DickCheney clone with his shotgun to deal with the pigeons.

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Red Square wrote:They take talent-shitting on Theocritus' garage door as a hobby when they're off duty.

That is simply not possible, Comrade Red Square. He must be mistaking some kkkapitalist, bourgeois pigeons for mine. I mean, look how disciplined my pigeon is:

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off/

First time comment, long time reader. I have to say this is the funniest post ever!
I am at work and cannot control myself. Thanks

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Red Square wrote:They take talent-shitting on Theocritus' garage door as a hobby when they're off duty.

And his car as they pass by.
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After much thought, I have decided to send my deadly assassin Chuckles after Colonel 7.62. Here's a picture:

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That does it. I've sent a very strongly worded protest to the Politburo, as well a s deployed a contingent of Che Monsters. Marshal Pupovich, I'm planning to deploy artillery with Regan Jelly Beans against the thought criminal Comrade Joe.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:
Comrade Joe wrote:
Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade Joe for twice denouncing Comrade Red Square. Furthermore an elite group of mostly sober Revolutionary Red Guards(TM) has been dispatched to Comrade Joe's location. There is much looting and destruction to do I think. My Che Monster is giddy with joy at the thought of this action.

I presume you are referring to the people that just pulled up in my front yard, took out a rocket launcher, pointed it at the ground at their feet, and blew themselves up, correct? Anyway, I denounce you as well.

LENIN DAMNIT! I TOLD THOSE TROTSKY LOVERS NOT TO DRINK ON THE JOB. Mmmph. If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

Anyway I gave a Che Monster a rifle, watch out for that.

Ya ya ya, you denounce me too. Got it. Do you know how many denouncements I get EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE WEEK? Boring. Goes straight into the recycle bin, where they are ground up and used to stretch out the gruel for the proles.

Anyway I sent ANOTHER squad after you. You will answer to Revolutionary Justice(TM) or I'll run out of Revolutionaries, one or the other.

Not to worry Colonel!...

I have promised favor with The Party™ in exchange for proficient work from proper red-flagged guerrilla group, pictured below:

<img width="550" src="https://www.icanhasmotivation.com/wp-co ... pidter.jpg">

I am told they are very good at what they do!...

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Comrade Car most equal work indeed. You perhaps want position in Revolutionary Red Guards? Vodka? Extra bread ration? Woman who has shaved beard in last week?

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Oh, hard choice Colonel... vodka is good for forgetting both lack of beardless woman and lack of bread in cupboard... but position in Revolutionary Red Guards is good for getting vodka and helps in reallocating more of the other items to myself... so that I may distribute them equally.

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Excellent choice Comrade car. You are learning the ways of True Socialism(TM) well. What is mine is mine and what is yours is also mine. You will make a most worthy comrade in The Revolution.

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Colonel 7.62, I have decided to deploy my suicide bomber pigeons to counter your latest pathetic squad of idiots. And Chuckles is lurking behind you as you look at your computer. He's watching you right now.

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Comrade Joe, as we speak I am enjoying a delightful meal of roast squab, and contemplating which Gulag to send Chuckles to. After all, even prisoners need entertainment.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Comrade Joe, as we speak I am enjoying a delightful meal of roast squab, and contemplating which Gulag to send Chuckles to. After all, even prisoners need entertainment.

Good. I never liked that creepy little clown anyway. Oh yeah, while you were eating, my goons snuck up and shot your latest squad in the back. Then they escaped using the teleporter technology I developed.

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Eh, revolutionaries are cheap and easy to acquire. So is teleporter technology. It is already being sold in Hong Kong.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:Eh, revolutionaries are cheap and easy to acquire. So is teleporter technology. It is already being sold in Hong Kong.

Yeah, revolutionaries are on sale for $3.99 for 12 down a Stalinmart. I bought a few thousand.

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You have a Stalinmart where you live? Awww.. I only have a K Marx, and they charge 30 cents more per dozen for revolutionaries.But they come in a nifty cardboard carton you can also bury them in when you are done with 'em.

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Komrades, as a Vassal to great Stalin (praise be his name), may I humbly point out zat ze use of a Letter from ze latin Alfabet intrinsikally reeks of vestern Imperialism and Bourschoisie? Vat about ze Mozer Tongue or ze natif Tongue of our Dear Reader or Ho Chi Minh? As a Kompromiss I humbly sudjest to ze Politbuero to make ze simple "." the most ekval Letter. It is universally rekongnised, it represents ze Means to all Ends, is easy on Gaia as it uses ze least Amount of Karbon and nossing should be more beautiful in our ekval Elites Ears zan ze Sound of Silence from ze Masses.

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I Denounce all denouncers for denouncing the denounced due to their denoucing, which was the fault of overzealous denouncing; which can never be wrong, unless it is, which normally happens but cannot!!

Who says socialism is an overly complicated and paradoxal ideology?

By the way, I denounce Colenel 7.62 and Comrade Joe for participating in the RepubliKKKan act of trade! My revolutionaries are supplied by The State, most of them are Kulaks imprisoned for thoughtcrimes!

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I denounce Comrade Goose for failing to realize that just as Moscow had GUM so does AmeriKKKa have Stalin Mart and K-Marx. Say idea, different names. Trade is equitable when it is done at state owned stores purchasing state produced products.

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I haf to denouce Komrades Colonel and Goose as differenz betveen USSA and Moskva is zat USSA aktshully has produkt in its Stores... for now.

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I denounce Colonel 7.62 for denouncing me! My friends in the air will be arriving within the hour.

Also Comrade Joe, I have stolen the body of Chuckles, who, after looking after a picture of Our Fearless Leader, Obama, has risen from the dead! I have sent him after Genosse Pieck, who I also denounce for denouncing me!

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INFIGHTING! I CALL THE BRICK WALL FOR SUMMARY EXECUTIONS!


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Comrades!

For the sake of Party unity, may I suggest a compromise. AAA would be too confusing for the masses and would cause much trouble for stranded motorists and possibly alcoholics who have relapsed and whose vision is blurry.

I suggest we adopt I, O, & U. Thus we satify Comrade Red Square and Comrde Joe.

This will also make it easier for the masses after Our Great Leader destroys the evil dollar. In The World of Next TuesdayTM, the masses will be able to write script, like "IOU a bushel of beats".

I do feel Comrade Joe owes Comrade Red Square and The PartyTM an apology and should submit to The PartyTMa formal letter of self-criticism.

I do not feel liquidation is appropriate for a loyal Party member who was willing to denounce his own family for The Common GoodTMand send them to Camp 22. Even Comrade Molotov didn't have the balls to denounce his own wife.

In Socialist Solidarity!

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Komrade Mortgages, viz all due respekt, but as of today, ze publik indoktrination centers for minors have been instrukted not to teach vriting or reading to ze Komsomol. The masses in ze Vorld of next Tuesday do not need to read or vrite, only know how to efficiently use shovels (made by the Vorkers Kombinate Kruppstahl, of course - as my kontribution to ze effort.)

Solidarity and International Druzhba for The People and Children!

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Comrade Pieck,

Excuse me for the confusion, but my suggestion of writing scripts for goods was for Party Members only. The masses will remove stickers from thier ration books and attach them to their IOU as a medium to exchange and trade the People's GoodsTM.

In Socialist Solidarity!

Genosse Pieck wrote:Komrade Mortgages, viz all due respekt, but as of today, ze publik indoktrination centers for minors have been instrukted not to teach vriting or reading to ze Komsomol. The masses in ze Vorld of next Tuesday do not need to read or vrite, only know how to efficiently use shovels (made by the Vorkers Kombinate Kruppstahl, of course - as my kontribution to ze effort.)

Solidarity and International Druzhba for The People and Children!

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Ah! Sank you for klarifying, Comrade Mortgages.

I have anozer proposal. Razer zan vaisting ration books and stickers on ze masses, loyal Party Members should be promoted from beet diggers to beet slop feeders, dumping beet slop into troughs (made of cedar and douglas fir planks) for ze masses to feed in zeir corrals. If one mass does not get food, he dies. Survival of ze fittest, Praise be Darvin! Of course dead mass vill be inkorporated into next day's beet slop, leaving more beet rations for the Nomenklatura.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote:I denounce Comrade Goose for failing to realize that just as Moscow had GUM so does AmeriKKKa have Stalin Mart and K-Marx. Say idea, different names. Trade is equitable when it is done at state owned stores purchasing state produced products.

And using state money, of course. I denounce Comrade Goose as well.

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Ok guys... National Denounce A Comrade Month ended a while ago. We must pay proper heed to the current grievance group of the month...


 
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