Alternative Tips for Avoiding U.S. Drone Strikes

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Hiding from the U.S. government and media need not involve smearing one's self with mud.


Al-Qaeda operatives: forget about that list of 22 crude anti-drone tactics discovered in an abandoned building in Mali. If those tactics had been genuinely useful, why did al-Qaeda leave there?

Granted, rubbing a mixture of mud and sugar on yourself and your vehicles could make you partially invisible to the next drone — but wouldn't the wiser tactic be to become completely invisible to the entire U.S. government and mass media altogether?

All it takes is learning a few useful facts about the American political establishment. Try these 23 alternative tips: if used as directed, people in Washington will either pretend you don't exist or they will alter your public image until you become unrecognizable - even to yourself.

Alternative Tips for Avoiding U.S. Drone Strikes

  1. Join the church where Al Sharpton is a preacher. No one knows where it is.
  2. If you can't find it, join the church Obama frequents.
  3. If you can't find that: register as a Republican Senate candidate from New York, New Jersey, or California.
  4. Get a federal "green energy" loan, then declare bankruptcy. The U.S. government will cover for you.
  5. Proclaim you are a victim of black-on-black crime. The media will render you invisible.
  6. Come out as a black conservative. The media will render you unrecognizable.
  7. If you are a woman: confess that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy once propositioned you.
  8. Hide in the back of a Massachusetts senator's submerged car. It will buy you at least a few hours.
  9. Become a member of Obama's Job Council.
  10. Insert yourself in the next 2,000-page bill.
  11. Follow Jesse Jackson to an honest day's work.
  12. Get friendly with Sandra Fluke. Nobody has ever been able to find any of those guys.
  13. Say "Hi, I'm Jon Huntsman and I'm still running for president."
  14. Pretend you're a salad; at least the First Lady won't spot you.
  15. Never walk in New York holding a 16oz Styrofoam soda cup.
  16. Never drink from a bottle of water in front of a camera. This will put you in the media spotlight 24/7 for days.
  17. Get in line at the DMV or another government office; by the time you emerge, drones will be obsolete.
  18. Impersonate an American taxpayer.
  19. Hide in plain sight in Benghazi; it makes a lot of difference.
  20. Camp out at Obama's shooting range; no one is ever there.
  21. Stay where Obama keeps his college transcripts, U.S. passport records, or financial records. You will never be disclosed.
  22. Set up in one of Chicago's highest murder-rate zones. A truckload of fighters with RPGs will go undetected.
  23. Hold a sign, preferably bilingual, declaring a "Drone-Free Zone."

These 23 tips for avoiding drones by al Qaeda came from several People's Cube writers and appeared on Twitter under the hashtags #AlQaedaTipsToAvoidDrones and #TipsForDodgingDrones.

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If I were to wear a "Karl Rove" name tag and give away books on "How to Win an Election as a Republican" I could go completely unnoticed too...

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Hi, my name is Jon Huntsman and I'm still running for president.

Become a black victim of a black criminal - there is no such thing according to the media.

Better yet, become a black conservative - the media and the left (I know, I repeat myself) will say you are really a white guy and the drones will go after Newt Gingrich instead.

If you're a woman, say that Bill Clinton or Ted Kennedy once propositioned you.

Be a Republican Senate candidate from NY, NJ or California.

"I liked my health insurance and I KEPT it under ObamaCare... try and find me!"

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Thanks. Opiate! Tweeted and added to the list above!

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Put a democrat donkey bumper sticker on your truck.


Enter America Illegally. Nobody will notice. Or care.
Go with Obama to the shotgun range. Nobody will be there but you.
Refuel the aircraft carrier Lincoln. Not much happening there.
Become a member of the Church Obama attends. If this doesn't work, join the church where Al Sharpton preaches at.
Start to work on the Keystone pipeline.
Get an Obama green job.
Work at the 5th rated network, NBC.
Become a pro-life Democrat.
Move to Detroit where all the buildings have been pre-bombed. You will blend right in.

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Tell the truth anywhere in media ... poof, you are scarce as hen's teeth.
A politician stands up to Obama's political appeal ... zap, you are nowhere to be found.
Follow Jesse Jackson to an honest day's work ... bingo, into thin air.
Stand up against bloated government bureaucracy ... "where did he go"?

drone proof.jpg

If all else fails and the drone spots you

Immediately start an attack on the nearest American consulate; the drone will be called off

Send a radio message pretending to be a SEAL asking for immediate fire support; again, the drone will be called off

Pretend to be an Egyptian Coptic Christian about to be torn limb from limb by a Muslim mob; the drone will ignore you

Organize a mob to burn an American flag or perhaps gang rape a female Western journalist or maybe even set fire to a Christian church, preferably with worshipers still inside; again, the drone will leave you alone

Wave a cartoon of Muhammad in the air and point at it angrily; the drone is programmed not to interfere with your right to curtail the free speech of others

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As much as I cringe to say it, get a fake Canadian passport...

(too soon?)

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If a woman, declare yourself a prolife feminist. If a man, claim to be a Muslim who supports the right of Israel to exist.


A long, long time ago (1992!) I went to journalism school and wanted to write for a major paper. After two of the papers I worked for went bankrupt in the early 1990's recession, I decided maybe newspapers are not where I should be. It is so nice to see that 21(!) years later, three of my quotes made the "paper". Thanks Red Square!!!!

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Become a journalist in Russia. Make fun of Putin.

You won't necessarily survive, but if you get snuffed out it won't be by an American drone.

Comrade Napolitano, Commissar for State Security said Her drones can spot "an armed civilian. Is way to shape AR like a dildo? Then Peckerwood Division can storm the Obamastag, no?

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Soopermexican posted this yesterday. We have great competition!

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Oh and lest we forget the wise words of Robert Gibbs (which Bee Gee was he, anyway?) make sure you choose a far more responsible father than other American teens may have: ... 12438.html

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Since Al Qaeda doesn't have the technology and local economic infrastructure to make the anti-drone manuals widely available to everyone, this task falls on their comrades in Western countries, which they perform meticulously and with flair. Or is it with flare?



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Image That guide will look nice hanging in my office so I ordered one. If the democrats continue to stay in power it will probably come in handy someday. My fellow Cuber's may want to order one as well. After all, we are all on "someone's" list!