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The People's Cube Archive: January - December 2005
Mother Page » 2020 » 2019 » 2018 » 2017 » 2016 » 2015 » 2014 » 2013 » 2012 » 2011 » 2010 » 2009 » 2008 » 2007 » 2006 » 2005Merry Kwahaneidmas, Breast Cancer, and Domestic Violence!
 A snapshot of the poster we took with our own camera at the local post office. |
This holiday season our warmest greetings go to the US Postal Service, an exemplary government-run organization, for issuing an official holiday poster that documents a positive paradigm shift in our national mentality. Displayed at post offices nationwide, it unobtrusively reminds Americans what national holidays they should observe this December: Hanukkah Ball, Kwanzaa Parade, Muslim Eid Carnival, Breast Cancer Gala, and Family Violence Bash (not necessarily in that order). In case you missed it, Chr***mas is not part of the holiday season. Come to think of it, it has never been. What Chr***mas? Never heard of it. The suspicious Madonna stamp on the poster may seem like a weak compromise, but we believe it's a wise move to soften the blow and to ensure a smooth transition to a new progressive era. MORE >> |
Stalin's half-man, half-ape super-warriors
 Super-troopers: Stalin wanted Planet of the Apes-like troops, insensitive to pain and hardship. |
The Soviet dictator Josef Stalin ordered the creation of Planet of the Apes-style warriors by crossing humans with apes, according to recently uncovered secret documents. Stalin to scientist: "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat." MORE >> |
Gay Dentist Movie a Critical Success
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Proving that homosexuality comes in all professions, the new gay dentistry film Broke Back Molar is transgressing all boundaries. It was once thought to be a profession for straights only, but this new film speaks to power in a way that none has before (besides the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain, currently in theaters near you). "It breaks all stereotypes," says student John Welshman. "I always thought dentists were straight! Boy did this open my eyes!" The Gay and Lesbian Association of Dentists (GLAD) applauded the movie as "groundbreaking." Howard Fine, President of GLAD, could not be happier. "Over 80% of dentists are really gay. The rest are sadists," Fine stated bluntly. MORE >> |
My American Revolutionary Kicked Your Commie Revolutionary's Ass
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This email exchange started when a student from Communist China currently living in Japan bought an anti-Che T-shirt "My American Revolutionary Kicked Your Commie Revolutionary's Ass" from Che-Mart, an online store associated with the People's Cube. This letter makes one ponder about what America means to people in other countries, what message American freedom sends to the world by the very virtue of its existence. It also makes one think about those Americans who want to change this country, to make it look more like the Old World, and thus to kill hope for people like Billy. MORE >> |
INTERNATIONALE (Rap Version)
More revolutions per minute than any capitalist label!
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Red Square Records, the new recording label of The People's Cube, is proud to present the first single by progressive, hip-hop artist Jihad E. Titled "Internationale," the song is a rousing tribute to the Communist Internationals (or Cominterns) of the twentieth century. NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FROM PROGRESSIVE SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS! MORE >> |
Socialized Healthcare: No Drugs For The Useless!
A foreign report from Dr. Fuku, on assignment in Europe
 Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs! |
"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our Cities? As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way... MORE >> |
Kazakhstanis Against Borat
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Is this for real or just a clever spoof in the style of CFK? Go to StopBorat.net (highly recommended) and decide for yourself. The fact is, Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action against comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport. MORE >> |
Radical Islam Surrenders to Progressivism
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The War on Terror has entered a new successful stage once the US field commanders began to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the US Army increasingly faces on a daily basis. One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." Even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!" MORE >> |
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Let's Do Empire Right!The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake of our boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan! MORE >> |
Jewish Terrorists Misfire
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We break our rule of publishing only original stories for Comrade Julia Gorin, our undercover field operative, who first published this piece in Jewish World Review. In the past, she had also succesfully infiltrated Opinion Journal, FrontPage Magazine, Fox News, and other right-wing bourgeois organs. Operating on the mistaken assumption that engaging in terrorism can win sympathy for Jews the way it does for Muslims, two Israeli men opened fire on Palestinian civilians in separate incidents last month. But even though attacking the World Trade Center and the Pentagon four years ago turned out to be the best public relations move for Muslims yet, the two Israeli settlers misfired in their petty, low-key attempts to duplicate that successful strategy. MORE >> |
Muslim Riots Spread to Amish, Hare Krishnas, Jews, Others
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The French Muslim riots, caused by an uncontrollable reaction to poverty, racism, and a profound sense of alienation from the larger society, have recently inspired some American groups who share very similar grievances, to use mass violence as a means of gaining recognition and respect. As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents. MORE >> |
Hare Krishnas: "We are tired of smirks and dissing while working our asses off at major airports for little or no pay. Enough is enough! We demand state-enforced conversions and equal redistribution of faith and donations!"
ACLU and al Qaeda: Possible Split?
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Rumors of a possible split between leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been fueled by an increased chatter level over the past few weeks, as follows from these interoffice memos obtained by our field operative at ACLU headquarters, in New York. * * * Dear Sir: |
E-indictments
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E-indictments are sweeping the nation! Criminalize your neighbor, spouse, boss, co-worker, or a mere stranger with E-indictments! Most cards are free, some are reserved for Party members only. Every card sent helps eliminate an enemy of the people. Note: cats, dogs, and most barn animals cannot be indicted. To have a public enemy of your choice indicted you must first give a contribution to the Democratic Party campaign. Terms of confinement may vary. Not valid in all Red States. MORE >> |
God Yields to Angry Left, Distributes Disasters Equitably
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"The vigorous campaign led by human rights groups accusing God of favoritism towards Western countries and of unfair distribution of natural disasters that targeted minorities has caused God to reconsider His ways," God's spokesman announced yesterday at a press-conference held by an international clergy group representing Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. "This summer's unusual flooding in Europe and two devastating hurricanes in the USA serve as a proof of God's reconstructed, more equitable, and politically correct approach to weather patterns," the spokesman said... MORE >> |
Have good wholesome fun scaring away weak liberals with the ghosts of work, family, responsibility, capitalism, Rush Limbaugh, and others!
SCARE THE INTRACTABLE INTO OBEDIENCE! (Now in two versions)
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Scare those annoying unaborted fetuses with real monsters! Did I miss anyone? |
THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
Exactly one year ago the progressive world of the dead was preparing to vote for John Kerry:
International Coalition of Dead Voters Endorses John Kerry
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The International Coalition of Dead Voters has always supported progressive causes, being the most dedicated constituency of the Democratic Party. Consistently voting for the political Left they are playing an increasingly important role in the American democratic process. It is important that this Halloween all dead people of good will, again, take advantage of early voting and cast their vote for John Kerry. MORE >> |
What Would Che Say?
 Ernesto Che' Guevara signing order to arrest and shoot everybody at Cafepress.com. |
A lot of progressive people ask themselves when faced with life's problems: What would Che' say? We can assure you that in most cases our Ernie would say, Put 'em up against the wall and shoot 'em! And this is exactly what he would say in this case as well. Shoot the photographer who took the famous picture and all of his family members who hold the copyright to that image. The same goes for the Cafepress.com executive board, their lawyers, programmers, designers, mail room clerks, and the poor Albanian cleaning lady - for being capitalist pig-dog profiteers, the "Little Eichmans" in Ward Churchill's words, who dare make a living by exploiting Che's image, his life, and passion. They explicitly or implicitly participate in the running of Che' through the grinds, the gears, and the conveyer belt of the hated capitalist industry which Che' sought to destroy. MORE >> |
Hillary-Guevara '08 shorts, anyone?
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In our previous story we described how Cafepress.com censored our "Che is Dead" design with a hairy skull in a beret on a vague pretext of copyright infringement - while they turned a blind eye on other shopkeepers who blatantly used corporate logos and trademarks in designs that denigrated American corporations and capitalism in general. MORE >> |
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Cafepress.com on many of its news pages is promoting a pro-communist store that, among hammers and red stars, also sells "Hillary Guevara" design based on the famed Che' picture by the Cuban photographer Korda. One can buy Hillary Guevara shirts, pins, mugs,
bags, baby and doggie items, and yes, boxer shorts commanding you to "vote Hillary '08." More on that later.Cafepress.com Censors The People's Cube
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I understand and respect the copyright law, but did I really violate it? Here's my letter to Cafepress. Dear Content Usage Associate, A picture of a hairy skull in a beret that I drew myself as an artist can not be an infringement of anyone's copyright. I assure you it isn't even Che Guevara's skull... MORE >> |
Israel Dismantles; World's Problems End
 Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct." |
Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week." "My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago." MORE >> |
Let's Do Imperialism Right
$.$. Halliburton's simple plan to continue Imperialism apace, strengthen Capitalist class at the expense of the oppressed, ensure its political hegemony, and put a damn pretty penny in each and every one of his bank accounts. As every right-wing fascist knows, democracy is cumbersome and inefficient. Try to get something accomplished and you find yourself butting heads with every unwashed, uncouth commoner who has no conception of what's good for Class, Empire and the world... MORE >> |
Utopia Bay Beach Resort: Paradise for Weary Activists
Are you a professional radical activist? Has your rigorous schedule of anti-war and anti-capitalism rallies left you exhausted? Perhaps you're beginning to feel more like a programmed automaton than a free-thinking human being? Are slogans like "No blood for oil" starting to seem a bit inane and trite? If so, you could be suffering from Protest Fatigue Syndrome (PFS), a common malady among full-time malcontents. MORE >> |
Attention progressive, socialist, liberal, pacifist, anarchist, feminist, or environmentalist debaters! Whether you are fighting class enemy over the Internet, in school, or at your parent's house over dinner, this tool is for you. No more awkward mumbling or looking for the right word! Just enter your ideological opponent's name and generate a Progressive Truth that will render your enemies speechless!
| The People's Research Institute (PRI) has found a way of stopping right-wing ideology in America and ending our losses at the ballot box: we need to face our opponent's "facts" and "logic" by learning how to frame the debate. The Progressive Truth GeneratorT will help you to set the terms of debate on issues in your favor and quickly terminate all discussion! |  |
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This research is ongoing. We encourage you to submit your favorite debate framing elements for the following groups: "adjectives," "nouns," and "'because' statements" here >>
Mother Moonbat: The Movie. Don't miss It!!!
 We are proud to present our first video production. |
On Sunday, Sept. 18th, when a huge full moon shone over the city and miasmic odors oozed quite appropriately from disturbed sewage systems, Cindy Sheehan's bus stopped at Lafayette Ave. Presbyterian Church in Brooklyn, letting out a small pack of moonbats. Out trusty camera captured the event in a night-vision mode, complete with the sermon and a short interview with Mother Moonbat herself. She was apprehensive at first, but when we said we represented a socialist Karl Marx Treatment Center, she smiled and relaxed... MORE >> |
Million Moonbats March
From the mouth of Laika The Space Dog, chief coordinator >>Who let the gays out?
 "Southern Decadence" in New Orleans,Sept. 5, 2005 |
We understand the importance of gay pride here at The People's Cube, but could there be a worse timing or place for such frivolity? This Sunday, Sept. 5, two dozen gay men and a few lesbians paraded down New Orleans's famous thoroughfare, Bourbon Street, while wearing beaded necklaces, hula skirts, and wigs - at the time when all progressive media outlets, political activists, and Democratic Party leaders have selflessly converged to paint a lurid picture of horror, death, and desperation in that very area, multiplied by Republican incompetence, racism, and mismanagement!... MORE >> |
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No text... Words fail to describe this tragedy |
Iraqi Looter Turns Up in New Orleans
 The donkey-cart Baghdad looter, whose image was lovingly reproduced by worldwide media networks two years ago at the start of the Iraqi war, has turned up in New Orleans this year with colleagues |
Members of the Louisiana National Guard, fresh from Iraq, have stated that the scene in New Orleans bears an eerie resemblance to Baghdad in the wake of the Hussein regime's collapse. A few Guardsmen, formerly with the 3rd ID, believe they saw familiar faces among The Big Easy's looters, whom they witnessed filling a donkey cart with furniture stolen from Mayor Nagin's office. Some others were simply carrying chairs away on their backs--as did Muhammad Al Sayef, a self-described serial looter who turned up in New Orleans this week for the four-day media extravaganza and made himself available for interviews. MORE >> |
Commander In Chief
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The latest creation by counter-revolutionary agents provocateurs and chain dogs of the bourgeoisie who defaced our Commander In Chief's image and signed it with ThePeoplesCube.com and Che-Mart.com's URLs. MORE >> |
Howard Dean's Constructive Solution: Even Killing Field
 Dr. Dean: "To rectify the situation, all those whites who evacuated submerged homes must be returned to those homes and drowned immediately." |
While Senator Clinton has proposed a commission to determine just how racist the hurricane and Government have been, Howard Dean seeks to cut out the middleman. "We don't need a commission to know that this is really about race," chairman of the Democratic Party said in a speech to the National Baptist Convention of America, one of the nation's largest black church groups. "Natural disasters never kill this many white people. Well, if the natural disasters don't want to play fair, we will." Tired of hearing that the Democrats are a party of baseless finger-pointing without constructive solutions, the former presidential candidate Howard Dean offered an undeniably constructive solution in his Wednesday speech in Miami, Fla.... MORE >> |
Katrina Reporters: Act Locally, Think Globally
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As events unfold in New Orleans, the Third World watches in astonishment |
America Strikes Back At The Environment
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As Americans are trying to come to grips with nature's attack on the Gulf Coast, reports are growing about an increased level of hate crimes against environment in US cities and rural areas. In Georgia, a man was arrested for screaming environmental slurs at the passing clouds and threatening them with a shotgun, while in other areas local residents were seen "accidentally" ramming trees, rocks, and flowery hedges with their cars, trucks, and SUVs. No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards the environment in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged out of the vehicle and beaten with sticks by a gang of angry neighbors. MORE >> |
Coalition of the Gloating: No Hurricane Relief for USA!
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The day after Hurricane Katrina smashed into eastern Louisiana and western Mississippi, leaving a swath of devastation comparable to some of the worst in history, a multi-national coalition formed for the express purpose of discouraging countries from providing any relief aid to the beleaguered inhabitants of the Gulf Coast. MORE >> |
Vengeful Science Sends Fire and Brimstone on Bible Belt
"Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty last night as the hurricane approached, it would have been turned aside, for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared the ultraprogressive pulpiter who is sometimes criticized for interpreting scientific texts too literally. "But Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour went against science, they sealed their ears to Science's prophets, and for that Science unleashed its wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall be their home: an evil fate!" "It is a mortal sin to think that Science is open to interpretation, that scientific phenomena can mean more than one thing, or that Climate Change has a million factors! That would be just as bad as the ludicrous literal interpretation of Scripture by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight those who do not profess the true faith! Remember that Science gives firmness to the believers, and it instills terror into the hearts of the unbelievers!" MORE >> |
Osama to Cindy: Will You Be My 37th Wife?
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A new video released today on al Jazeera captivated not only regulars enticed by displays of flying body parts and beheadings, but drew in scores of reality TV aficionados, many of whom wept tears of sympathetic tenderness.Hurricane Shield Revisited
Clearly, if America had elected John Kerry in 2004, none of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina would have happened. This is what we said almost exactly a year ago in a story below - and we stand by it!
Kerry To Build Hurricane Shield If Elected
By Red Eye
09/09/04 - 1:22 am
In addition to his previous campaign promises meant to improve the life situation for those who resent capitalism at the expense of those who are happy with it, Senator John F. Kerry has now announced a plan to harness the very nature itself...
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It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...Marx, Jesus, Iraq, Moonbats, and MSM: It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world! Thanks to our trusty Dr. Fuku who posted these images here. We thought they were too good to be buried in comments, so we made this collage. Poor Casey would fit in the top picture, but there's no place for him in the bottom one. If he were to come back to life they'd bury him again. MORE >> |
Global Warming: Alaska Needs More Air Conditioners
 Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day. |
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism. "Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!" MORE >> |
Iran Nuke Destroys Cleveland, Nobody Cares
 Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city." |
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things. "Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?" In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..." MORE >> |
Neocons Imprison Mick Jagger Without Trial
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In an unabashed show of Neocon power, the Bush administration dragged the legendary Rolling Stones' lead singer Mick Jagger off the stage and threw him in prison without trial. It happened Sunday night in front of 36,000 Stones' fans, as the musicians were getting ready to kick off their latest tour with a concert in Boston's Fenway Park. Upon witnessing the arrest, the fans quietly went home in groups of not more than three, content in their knowledge that Jagger was right and not simply running his big mouth when he sang the new song My Sweet Neocon: MORE >> |
Cindy Sheehan Writes A How-To Book
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Cindy Sheehan, who is angry with President Bush for disobeying her explicit orders to give in to Islamic terrorists, has bravely decided to return to Crawford, Texas, after visiting her bed-ridden mother. "I have THREE questions for the head terrorist Bush now," she says: "#1. Why did he kill Casey? #2. Why did he give my mother a stroke? #3. How much did he pay my husband to divorce me?" |
Chairman Dean's Message: Turn Up Volume
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A careful analysis of today's political scene shows that people are not hearing the Democrat Party's message. "Our message is right there, people just aren't hearing it," says the Party Chairman Dr. Howard Dean. "It's in our speeches, political ads, sympathetic radio and TV programming, friendly newspaper publications, progressive blogging, and mass emailing campaigns. Our (Democrat) message is clearly the only one that makes sense. So if we're still losing at the ballot boxes, that must only mean people aren't hearing us. Therefore, we need to make the same points, but make them louder." Millions of dollars spent by the Democrats have done surprisingly little to familiarize Americans with their program.... MORE >> |
Jury Finds U.S. Constitution at Fault for Everything
 Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year." |
In the largest class-action suit ever, a federal jury has found the United States Constitution at fault for every problem faced by everyone, everywhere. The award, for over $2,000 billion, is equal to the entire federal budget. Of this, $500 billion will be for punitive damages - but most of it, $1,500 billion, will be for mental anguish suffered by the rest of the world. "Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property... MORE >> |
Cindy Sheehan Loves America
By Cindy Sheehan (edited for language by Red Square) |
I love America - but not the filthy rich capitalist society it is now. That America is inherently evil, it has been killing people on this continent since it was started. As if that were not enough, it is now spreading the cancer of Pax Americana and imperialism in the Middle East. No, the America that I love is the non-polluted, sparsely populated country of five hundred years ago, with its various tribes free of capitalist exploitation, breaking each other's skulls with stone axes, shitting in the woods and getting eaten by wild animals. We want our country back! MORE >> |
"DQ Mom" Blames Elders of Zion, Finds Audience
 "We will catch that Zionist Dairy Queen whoever she is, then we will rape her, and Allah willing, we will remove her head with a rusty saw." |
Ella Cinder, whose son Chucky was injured in an accident involving a partially-eaten Chili Lime Chicken Strip Basket at the State Fair, is still holding a vigil outside a local Dairy Queen and is now claiming that the entire incident might have been avoided if "The Zionist Entity withdrew from Palestine." When asked what relevance Israel had to her son tripping on a Dairy Queen product, she started to tremble and then wailed, "Shaddup, you filthy mother-disrespecting son of a bitch!"... MORE >> |
Nebraska Mom Demands Meeting With DQ CEO
 "We've hated Dairy Queen for a long time, but now they've gone too far with their Chili Lime Chicken Strip Baskets!" |
Inspired by Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain soldier who is camping outside President Bush's ranch until she gets a face-to-face explanation of why he killed her son, other mothers begin to demand apologies for their grievances as well. In Wipeit NE, mom Ella Cinder has pitched a tent outside a local Dairy Queen, demanding a meeting with its CEO so he can explain his culpability for her 32-year old son Chucky slipping on a partially-eaten Chili Lime Chicken Strip Basket at the State Fair. MORE >> |
Jihadists Against Bag Searches
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?" "They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties... MORE >> |
NY Times to Roberts: Why weren't your children aborted?
The Drudge Report story about the New York Times investigating the adoption by John Roberts of his two children continues to generate intolerant rhetoric in the right-wing conservative circles. We asked the New York Times Executive Editor to give us his take on this story. Here is what he told The People's Cube: As is often the case, the original "source" of this "story," the Drudge Report is wrong, overwrought and a gross misrepresentation of what has happened. What really happened is that our reporters, with great care, understanding the sensitivity of the issue, only asked a few legitimate questions. One of our reporters simply asked, "Are these children really from South America? They look awfully white to me. Are they really children, or are they midgets with severe conservative right-wing agendas? Are these alleged "children" members of the Federalist Society?" MORE >> |
Amends for Hiroshima: Congress To Bomb Two U.S. Cities
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In a belated expression of remorse for the nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki sixty years ago, Congress has authorized the Army to launch apologetic nuclear strikes on two American cities. The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state. MORE >> |
Kennedy: The Shuttle Doesn't Need To Be Fixed
 Kennedy: "The biggest threat to the shuttle Discovery is George Bush and the Republican Party!" |
Encouraged by the success of his attack against President Bush's plan to fix Social Security, Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy took it a step further today, launching an attack against NASA's plan to fix the shuttle Discovery while in orbit. "There is no need to fix the shuttle," said Kennedy. "I categorically reject the deceptive and dangerous claim that there is something wrong with it! The shuttle will serve us another forty years without problem. The biggest threat to Discovery today is not the foam tiles, it's George Bush and the Republican Party." MORE >> |
ACLU Lawyers Volunteer to Get Their Heads Sawed Off
 When the Taliban complain about broken AC in their cells, what else can we do but allow them to saw our heads off? |
Getting one's head sawed off might seem like reason for concern, but in fact, ACLU lawyers turning themselves over to their Guantanamo clients for this purpose have gone a long way in addressing Taliban dissatisfaction with the camp's amenities like poor wi-fi reception.
In an unprecedented display of compassion, volunteers from the ACLU and Amnesty International are lining up to get their heads sawed off by disgruntled Taliban prisoners. This new spirit of international caring has its genesis in the Human Shields tradition... MORE >> |
Africa to Hillary: How Much for Your Daughter?
Members of the right-wing conspiracy immediately went on the attack:"Hillary's third world values seem ... MORE >> |
New Spirit of Municipal Randomness
Random Bag Checks in NY Subway Lead to A New Spirit of Municipal Randomness|
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Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions. Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves." MORE >> |
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Most people know that Americans benefit from
But most people lack the training to fully understand why we derive benefits from these policies, and why government control over public anything results in unsurpassable quality (transportation, education, health, etc.). |
To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.
From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.
MORE >>Bush Nominates Ray Romano as Supreme Judge
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Soon after President Bush named Fred Thompson, former Senator and actor on the NBC television series "Law & Order," to help shepherd his yet-to-be named Supreme Court nominee through the Senate, he also announced a much-awaited list of nominees. "After a long process of selection, aimed at satisfying all parties and groups," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "The President has finalized a list that he hopes everybody will love." MORE >> |
Winston Palimpsest Does Tour de France
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A press photographer at the Tour de France captured this image of our very own Professor Palimpsest protesting the Yankee imperialist, Lance Armstrong. MORE >> |
Newspaper Runs Out Of Anti-Bush Headlines
It was only a matter of time before the mainstream media ran out of catchy anti-Bush headlines. Starting with the 2000 elections the US editors appeared to be engaged in a prestigious contest: who would cast the President in the worst possible light. The opportunities seemed unlimited. The headline-writers spent countless nights awash in the pale
glow of their monitors, coming up with one brilliant hook after another. But four years of consistent Bush-bashing have eventually exhausted everyone's vocabulary and imagination. So when George W. Bush was reelected in November of 2004, several pundits sensed that a crisis of creativity would soon plague the media. By the end of the second quarter of this year, the national media hit rock bottom.
"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds into the Stone Age in Alaska...
MORE >>Live 8: A Corporate Conspiracy
Africa must remain poor to avoid MacDonaldizationBy Comrade Smirnoff, our (The People's) political consultant in Edinburgh, Scotland. He has his own progressive blog, http://www.world-socialism.blogspot.com
 Bob Geldof: He may dress like a Maoist, but he doesn't fool us! |
They seek to 'MacDonaldize' African society just as they have done the West. With the forward advance of global capitalist hegemony in the West, all that is solid has melted into the air. In this context, Africa is not poor at all; it is spiritually and culturally rich, free from the rabid individualism and excessive materialism of the west. Let's keep it that way! "This is not about charity; this is about trying to redress the balance between rich and poor." Right wing cynics will question why we ought to take lessons from Mr. John, a man who lives a life of extravagant, hedonistic luxury (he recently claimed to spend 200,000 pounds per month on flowers) ... MORE >> |
Chomsky, Churchill, Fulani Cancel "Little Eichmanns" Tour to London
NEW YORK - July 7. As news of London terrorist attack by an al-Qaeda group spread Thursday, three progressive intellectuals Noam Chomsky, Ward Churchill, and Lenora Fulani immediately felt in their hearts the need to reach out and explain to Londoners why the attacks that killed over 40 people and injured 300 were their own fault and that they fully deserved what they got.
The three progressive icons gathered in New York for a press conference, where they stated that "Based on the first reactions out of London, we sense a glaring lack of guilt for being attacked. It is our duty as citizens of this world, to go to Britain and instill an enormous amount of guilt in the government and its constituents. We would like to see the British apologize before al-Qaeda for what happened"...
MORE >>Pictures From Iraq:
Too Shocking & Graphic for The Mainstream Media |
EXCLUSIVE! Photos that will never make the news... You will not see these pictures in Time, Newsweek, and the New York Times! Why? |
 Abdul Mendel, America Last League,wearing non-programmable tin hat |
America Last!Interview with Abdul Mendel, America Last League"Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners." MORE >> |
Dick Durbin's Surprise Fourth of July Speech
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Washington, July 4 - In another half-assed attempt at apologizing for his Flag Day (June 14th) speech on the Senate Floor, Senator Dick Durbin from the Islamic Republic of Illinois ( IRI ) has decided to change his name to Dick Durbin-Laden. "As a super patriot and big friend of our military," the Senator explained, "I feel it is my citizen's duty to do it out of solidarity with the poor mistreated detainees at Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Until every detainee is freed, given a house and home, two cars in every garage, a chicken in every pot, 72 live virgins, and a non-flushable Koran, we will fight the good fight, right every wrong, and out-French the French in pusillanimity every chance we get," Senator Durbin-Laden added. MORE >> |
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European Left Helps DNC to Re-Educate America
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This site, as well as the Mother Site (CFK) has been bombarded with righteous anti-American, Republican-bashing posts written in good English, without mentioning the posters' nationality. But site administrators have a way of checking IP addresses. Some of them came from the Netherlands, some from Germany, and all of them point to RIPE Network Coordination Centre in Amsterdam... MORE >> |
Supreme Court Ushers in Collectivization; Purges to Follow
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WASHINGTON (PC) - A divided Supreme Court ruled Thursday that private property is a big lie concocted by the Bush Administration to further its capitalistic agenda, in a decision anxiously awaited by all communists and other progressive pressure groups in America. The Supreme Court's decision cleared the way for the city of New London, Conn., to seize private homes and businesses against the owners' will, and bulldoze family residences in order to build projects that generate more tax revenue for the Common Goodâ„¢ MORE >> |
Tikritos: Cruel Ranch and Other Progressive Flavors
 Tikritos: It's cool, its progressive, it's rebellious! Every crunch is a loud political statement! Great for street protests and sleepovers! |
Our affiliate, Che-Mart superstore, was the first to learn the news from socialist networks: Saddam Hussein still believes he is president of Iraq, is obsessed with cleanliness, makes bad coffee, and loves Doritos, an ex-guard has revealed. Anticipating a new fad among its progressive consumers, Che-Mart rushed the manufacturing of Tikritos, a new product modeled on capitalist Doritos. In the spirit of socialist competition, the fastest-growing producer of progressive products didn't spare any of its sweatshop laborers in bringing the new favorite socialist flavor to the masses. COMMENTS >> |
Rafsanjani to Penn: "Sean, I am your Father!"
 It has long been thought that Sean Penn was born the son of Leo Penn, a Hollywood director who defied the House Committee on Un-American Activities and was subsequently blacklisted. But shortly before the US invasion in Iraq the actor's mother confided in him that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" from a grocery on the corner. |
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?" MORE >> |
Public School Student Fails to Hang Himself
"Not enough funding," says teachers-union president |
Schoolmates describe Joe as an impressionable 15-year-old New York kid with a heightened sense of social justice. So nobody was surprised at his yesterday's attempt to take his own life. "We live in the worst country of the world, ever!" says Joe's best friend Michael. "We kill, steal, enslave, and torture everybody! The ozone hole is growing and the rainforest is dwindling. If we don't suffocate and die of skin cancer by the age of thirty, global warming will finish us up anyway. The Western civilization did it, man. There's no point in anything anymore. When I come home from school I often want to kill myself too. I once tried to eat some deadly pills in my mom's medicine cabinet like I saw in a movie, but I couldn't read the labels." MORE >> |
Tyson Quits, Has No Stomach For Taxidermists
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WASHINGTON -- Mike Tyson's career ended abruptly Saturday night after the sixth round against Ireland 's Kevin McBride. Three men - Black, Asian, and Hispanic - approached him as he sat on the floor and whispered something in his swollen ear. Tyson stayed seated for a few moments, then hesitatingly rose and walked to his corner, nevermore to return. Looking more like an aging man than the champion who once terrorized the heavyweight division, Tyson complained about being betrayed, threatened, and harassed by everybody, from the print media to communist governments to NAACP to Chinese taxidermists. "I had made some wrong choices," Tyson confessed, pointing at his tattoos of Mao Tse Dung, Che Guevara, and Arthur Ashe. MORE >> |
Rangel: Let's Give al-Qaeda a Fair Chance
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In a new display of fairness and lack of partisanship, Rep. Charles B. Rangel has come up with an initiative to grant US citizenship equally to both the families of the US soldiers killed in the Middle East and to those families whose sons are fighting against the U.S.-led coalition in the region. "We can't be so unilateral in our policies as to exclude the militarily disadvantaged opposition to America from entering our country and becoming citizens," New York Democrat said. "I say let's level the playing field. To those who say Americans fight the urban warfare better, I say let's give al-Qaeda a try. I truly believe there shouldn't be any moral standards in determining our role in the world. If we agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, we must also agree that way too few Americans are getting killed, as opposed to their "enemies." It is a glaring violation of international fairness and justice. My plan will enable a more equitable representation of people making sacrifices on the both sides," the U.S. lawmaker said. MORE >> |
Marxists Riot over Desecration of Their Holy Book
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Violent protests erupted yesterday among faculty members on American and European campuses, accompanied by massive looting, flag-burning, and clashes with riot police, after Newsweek magazine published a report stating that a U.S. interrogator desecrated Das Kapital. The holy book of an estimated 1.5 billion world's Marxists was allegedly flushed down the toilet in order to humiliate and demoralize a progressive human rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne Stewart. Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest... |
HARD TO SWALLOW:
Deep Throat Meets All the President's Men
Memoirs of Laika the Space Dog
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Watergate, just like McCarthyism, Iraq's WMD, and other revolutionary mantras, can't be mentioned too often. Every participant of the story, including the Albanian cleaning lady, has already published a book and cashed in on it. But the main hero of the people, the most proactive creature that brought down President Nixon, had remained anonymous and silent until this day. Well, not anymore. Laika the Space Dog has recently come out with a masterly written suspenseful narrative. Hard To Swallow: Deep Throat Does All the President's Men is jam-packed with riveting revelations, unknown facts, and shocking images. Below is a synopsis of Laika's new book soon to come out at the People's Book Club... MORE >> |
Bush-Bashing XBOX Ad Proves Marx Wrong
 Punch out American President and they'll FedEx you a reward! |
This ad popped up on my screen today, inviting me - if I wanted a free new XBOX - to punch President Bush in the face against the background of the American flag. In this simple game I needed to bruise the war-time American president twice and make his mouth bleed. The third punch sent Bush on the floor and I was redirected to onlinerewardcenter.com which offered me to fill out a sweepstakes questionnaire. Such marketing strategy made me wonder: do they mean to sell XBOX via Bush-bashing, or to sell Bush-bashing via XBOX? If the former is true, they must believe either that all XBOX players hate Bush, or that most Bush-haters play XBOX. If the latter is true, however, they should switch to promoting The People's Cube instead. MORE >> |
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 The Rosen Trial: Mission Accomplished! |
 Warren Beatty's mind control wave machine |
I am pleased to report that the Republican show trial of David Rosen over Comrade Hillary's fund-raising fraud has ended in total silence, suppression and acquittal. After Kommander Kenneth and I jammed the media outlets emitting from the future socialist state of Marxifornia we proceeded to make contact with KGB General David Kendall. Once contact was made, Kendall led us to the secret Laurel Canyon hideout of Warren Beatty... MORE >> |
Grade Points: Fair Redistribution Among The Less Gifted
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By Dr. Winston S. Palimpsest, Chair, Cultural Hegemony Studies Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed in their minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie! MORE >> |
Right-Wing Muslims For Bush?
 Muslim neoconservatives |
WASHINGTON, D.C. May 14th, 2005. Our reporter attends a rally held by Free Muslims Against Terrorism at Freedom Plaza on Pennsylvania Ave. So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek. Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American flag... MORE >> |
Chairman Dean Sends DeLay to Gulag, Demands Purges
 "It's time you all started calling me The Great Helmsman, Chairman Howard Zedean!" |
In comments long-awaited by the progressive community, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean blasted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on May 14, 2005 as a criminal, saying that the top Republican belongs in a re-education camp. "I think Tom DeLay ought to be shipped off to the Gulag, where he can serve his jail sentence down there," Dean told Massachusetts Democrats at their state convention, while wearing the trademark Chairman's hat. "I also think it's time you all started calling me The Great Helmsman, Chairman Howard Zedean!" |
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Social Security: Enough is Enough!
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All this talk of Social Security is making me sick! It's going nowhere! The revolutionary masses distrust our puppet Bush. The insubordinate and uncompromising world media have blown the insidious cover that we, the capitalists, had so cleverly constructed for this President. Now everyone not lazy enough to turn on the TV knows the terrible truth - that the US President is, in fact, a remotely-controlled zombie whose brain had been replaced with Styrofoam pebbles at a Grateful Dead concert back in 1974! Curiously enough, it was at the same concert that Hillary Clinton was turned into a cold-hearted cyborg by Saul Alinsky, her radical mentor! But let's go back to Social Security. MORE >> |
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It is a matter of common knowledge that the path to a better future lies trough the creation of a gigantic number of progressive organizations, groups, fronts, initiatives, leagues, unions, centers, and movements. The number of existing ones is not nearly sufficient. Why? The logic is quite simple. If they were numerous enough, we would already be living in a better future, now wouldn't we? MORE >> |
Adventures of Lenin in 2005, Part I
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What does Lenin say to another Lenin when they meet in the time-space continuum? "My mummy can beat up your mummy!" Just kiddin', Vladimir. But seriously, remember what Herbert G. Wells told us in 1920 in the Kremlin as we discussed how time travel could help the revolution? He said, meeting your own self during time travel can be fatal. But hey, would you trust a Marxist? My guess is as good as yours. I say, screw the time-space continuum! MORE >> |
May Day '05 in New York (Soviet Union Square)
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For thousands of years, since the end of Ice Age, international workers gathered in their caves on May Day to organize, protest, and represent. They sat around bonfires chanting Party-approved slogans and denouncing U.S. imperialism. But now, in a truly Orwellian fashion, we are being told that May Day really is about rejoicing and merrymaking around some stupid Maypole. That is ridiculous! Reclaim May Day as International Workers' Day or bust! MORE >> |
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Official May Day AddressAnnual Transmission to Toiling Masses from Laika the Space Dog, Member of Politburo, Friend of Progressive People, on occasion of International Workers' Day MORE >> |
Fartman: Bush Poisons Atmosphere In Washington
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WASHINGTON, April 28. President Bush's press conference at the White House was, as always, jam-packed with relentless questioning directed at G.W. Bush by the White House press corps. Even though most questions were of vital importance for the future of America and the rest of the world, admittedly, the biggest question on everyone's mind still was, "who farted?" The smell appeared shortly after a portly man entered the room, wearing brown cape and yellow spandex with the letter "F" embroidered on his chest, a half-finished can of Heinz Cheesy Tomato Baked Beans in his hand. Within minutes the stench became nauseating, covering lenses of major TV networks' cameras with solid fog. MORE >> |
Lenin Is Risen, Talks to Press
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Following up on our earlier interview with Al Gore, a TPC correspondent went to Moscow and met with the reanimated Leader of Workers and Peasants, Vladimir Lenin. Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window. MORE >> |
Postcards From Red Planet
Young cosmo-pioneers! Join the future here!
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Kerry Exposes US Spy, Gets People's Hero Medal AwardSenator John Kerry, who after losing the 2004 election was purged and declared "non-person" by CommunistsForKerry.com (CFK), a powerful pressure group that acts as a shadow Politburo behind the DNC, may now be forgiven and allowed to resume his revolutionary duties for his successful exposure of a CIA spy yesterday. MORE >> |
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Ask me about technology. No more politics. I have returned to what I love and know best - inventions! Remember: frequent computer crashes happen because people press the W key too much. Avoid it at all costs! That key had been removed from all White House keyboards on my secret orders! Every time you press a W key George W Bush knows what you're thinking... And don't listen to static in your phone line - you never know who may be playing with your brain. A lot of folks who I know did that wound up voting for W. Enough said. - Al Gore, inventor MORE >> |
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Ask your new Kommissar a question, infidel dog! You may remember me from the other web site CFK, or from the news reports of our glorious victories over the forces of the warmonger W. I will only report the "whole" truth, no matter how painful that may be for you Godless Infidels. Your questions will be answered, unlike the other current slackers in the Party, I don't want to mention any names here.
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International Workers Fools Day
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Back in the 16th century, progressive French pagan and atheist activists who attempted to celebrate New Year in April, were ridiculed as "fools" and harassed by the reactionary Christian Church. A few dark, oppressive centuries had passed before the winning Marxist ideology unveiled the reality of April Fools! MORE >> |
The Cube Is In Your Corner!
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The wait is over! Oppressed workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia of our great American Motherland! The People'sâ„¢ Cube has finally risen over the virtual horizon like the red sun of the revolution, dispelling the right-wing darkness of the blogosphere! This day shall be known as the dawn of Gulagosphere. It shall become a state holiday, celebrated in centuries ahead by spontaneous street marches of correctly educated proletarians chanting Party-approved slogans, peacefully hurling bricks at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie, and vigorously consuming quantities of inexpensive People's Cube sugar beet vodka! COMMENTS >> |
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Flat Gareth
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Unlike most high school students in his native Brooklyn, New York, Gareth knows exactly what he wants in life. Since the beginning of the war in Iraq, Gareth has joined every socialist, pacifist, feminist, pro-abortion, environmental, vegetarian, civil rights, or communist group on the Internet. He travels extensively to participate in as many anti-capitalist rallies as his modest student budget allows.
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The Lumpenwagon: People's Housing and Locomotion Unit
We in the spirit of Socialist competition have liberated the People from the oil-carriages that the exploiters use to keep them in submission. The Lumpenwagon need only the fervent energy and motivation of the proletarians to propel it towards greatness!
We humbly petition The Central Committee to alter the next Five Year Plan to build these Universal People Transporters and free State resources for the armed struggle against war and imperialism.
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In the future everyone will get canceled for fifteen minutes
Biden proposes bill to spend two trillion dollars on more money printing factories
Social unity: They pretend to hold elections and we pretend we voted
Immigrants to Texas and Florida from New York and California break down and cry when they realize all their sacrifices for a better tomorrow were based on lies
China anal swabs detect new 'silent but deadly' transmission of covid-19 variant
Social science breakthrough: 'White' is the new way of saying 'Bourgeois'
Biden administration swat teams make sweeping arrests of underground female-only track meets
'Green energy' to be renamed 'blackout energy' for easier comprehension of climate complexities
New children's game: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Science
Texas: Biden administration sends emergency wind turbines to help fight the blackouts
BREAKING: Biden signs executive order canceling the number 45
ATTENTION: It is your duty to report anyone who says this is no longer a free country. Fact-checking commissars are monitoring all state-approved social media platforms for your convenience
OUT: If you don't vote, you can't complain!
IN: If you didn't vote Democrat, you can't complain!
Social media justice: followers removed from pro-Trump accounts will be added to Biden's Twitter account
Fact check: a democratic election is the one in which votes are counted until Democrats win
JUST IN: China bans Twitter for being too totalitarian
Pelosi introduces new House rule to replace 'gender' terms like mother, daughter, father, son with the word 'comrade'; the only acceptable pronoun will also be 'comrade'
Sources: Biden transition team demands access to White House basement to begin renovations
BREAKING: President Trump pardons America for its past
Prime Minister Modi: to avoid accusations of racism India will change its name to Cleveland
Biden creates Antifascist Librarian Justice Committee; the first book scheduled for burning is Fahrenheit 451
Media study: 148% of Americans believe voter fraud doesn't exist
2020 Election forecast: if Joe Biden emerges from the basement on Election Day and sees his shadow, expect four more years of Trump
BREAKING: President Trump pardons Corn Pop
Toobin, though on administrative leave, is still pulling for Biden
Chinese whistleblower: Biden-20 was genetically engineered in a Wuhan lab
Nancy Pelosi sponsors a bill to create the office of removal of the President
New college humanities major: Critical Trump Studies
Opinion: Joe Biden is just an idea
CNN: Biden took a solid second place in the debate, while Trump only came next to last
Having ordered that all Californians switch to electric cars by 2035, Gov. Gavin Newsom follows up by mandating them to have electricity by 2035
Election 2020: Joe Biden pledges to a peaceful post-election transfer of power to George Soros
Out: Flatten the curve. In: Flatten the country.
Breaking: the Democrat Party has finished transitioning from being the party of JFK to being the party of Lee Harvey Oswald
Paradigm shift in Chromatics: Study shows Indigo (#3F00FF) mixed with Jamaic (#C0FF01) yields Black (#000000)
Study: the trouble with wokeism is eventually you run out of victims
Stacey Abrams refuses to concede to Harris; declares herself Biden's VP
Election 2020: Spunky former presidential candidate wins VP slot by a head
Churches in many states to hold services in opened up pubs and bars
Election 2020: Xi Jinping still undecided on vice president for Joe Biden
Reports: Republicans pounce on 'Republicans pounce' reports
Minneapolis launches online looting app to combat Covid-19
DNC study finds lockdowns no longer necessary as the economy is now being destroyed more effectively by looters and rioters
With America in lockdown, China offers to host Democrat primary
Bernie Sanders tests negative for President
In related news, Joe Biden follows other candidates in withdrawing from race and endorsing Joe Biden
New York Governor Cuomo shuts down all 'non-essential' business, surprised to find himself out of a job
Biden commits to picking a woman as running mate as long as she passes his sniff test
Joe Biden's coronavirus prevention tips: always rub hand sanitizer on young girls before sniffing and fondling them
Russian lawmakers warned that the American Democrats are meddling to re-elect Putin
Joe Biden promises lucrative board member jobs as door prizes to get people to his rallies
Democrats now worried they might even lose the illegal alien vote
Soleimani's remains FedExed back to Iran and now no one knows what happened to the box
BREAKING: massive search underway in Iran after Soleimani's boxed FedEx'd remains stolen off front porch
Liz Warren harshly critical of Biden's suggestion to coal miners that they should learn to code, offers to have them trained as romance novelists instead
Pelosi: "First we have to impeach Donald Trump before we can find out why we impeached him."
Schiff calls his Amazon Alexa to testify: 'She knows absolutely everything'
Iran answers to new Reagan statue in Berlin by erecting Obama statue at Tehran airport where he delivered pallets of cash
California accepts award for most progressive environmental policies; further progressive developments to be announced as blackouts permit
BREAKING: Romney DNA test reveals he is 1/1024th Republican
California Governor Gavin Newsom blames electricity blackouts on Ukrainian kulaks, vows revenge
Rat falling from White House ceiling fears for his life, begs reporters for protection, offers a tell-all memoir
Latest UN climate report shows this month so far has seen the scariest climate pronouncements on record
Climate science: there's no need for climate protests in China because China is already communist
Islamic clerics split on whether Reps. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib should be traveling around the world without an accompanying male relative
Dem candidates call for the Beatles' song 'Get Back' and the 'White Album' to be banned; surviving two white guys of the group must pay reparations
Bond's number is up: next 007 will be a black woman, played by Barack Obama
NYT: moon landing was one small step for Man, one giant leap for White Male Supremacy
HURRICANE WATCH: Tropical storm Barry has records sealed, once offshore expected to change name to Barack
Trump politicizes the 4th of July, declares it henceforth to be called the 45th of July, or July the Trumpth
Barack Obama critical of Trump for failing to insert 'I, me, my' into his 4th of July speech: "very unpresidential!"
Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeached
Bernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominated
International Women's Day observed, women only paid 73% of attention afforded to men
Democrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorry
AOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generation
Bernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if elected
West Virginia renames itself Eastern Kentucky to avoid further embarrassment from Virginia
BREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams Morgan
DNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem polls
Orwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal Farm
Progress in gender justice: online dating industry issues recommendations for men to wear body cameras, bring attorneys as chaperones
Study: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialists
Poll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across America
CNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degrees
Harry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high school
Hollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happen
Protest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselves
HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Jerry Brown single-handedly stops wildfires in his state by issuing an immediate statewide ban on wildfires
San Francisco closes all Planned Parenthood clinics after sting operation catches employees using plastic straws
Vegan mother undergoes experimental surgery to force her breasts to produce almond milk
With none of his emails answered, frustrated Nigerian man commits suicide and leaves $100bn fortune to charity
California gives new meaning to strawman argument as caped Strawman battles supervillains in restaurants, bars, and fast food joints
Violence increases in Mexico as cartels switch from smuggling drugs to plastic straws to San Francisco
Obama proposes a Paris Economic Change agreement among nations to address how world will cope with future runaway economic warming
Stormy Daniels plans border visit to give migrant children freebies
San Francisco: man dumping off 20 lbs of human waste in plastic bag on street corner cited for using non-biodegradable plastic bag
BREAKING: ICE renamed Planned Citizenship, immediately absolving it of all criticism
Senate Democrats demand Supreme Court nominee not be unduly influenced by U.S. Constitution
BREAKING: In 2018, Obama and Biden can finally celebrate Recovery Summer
IG Report: the FBI broke the law, but since there was no criminal intent, no reasonable prosecutor would bring such a case
Pelosi on Trump's MS-13 "animals" comments: "Four legs good, two legs bad"
Iran nuclear talks set to resume between the United States and John Kerry
Report: The Mueller investigation has finally determined that the lyrics to Louie Louie are not about Trump and Russian collusion
MARKETS: Demand for carbon credits spikes as Hamas seeks to undo damage to Earth's atmosphere caused by burning 10,000 tires on Gaza border
BREAKING: After state reassignment surgery Pennsylvania will henceforth be known as Transylvania
Experts: If we don't act now, unicorns will be extinct in just ten years. Children will ask, "Mommy, what's a unicorn?" Women and minorities will be forced to seek alternative hallucinations
Korean war must continue: Hawaiian federal judge declares Trump's peace effort unconstitutional
New York: feminists march on Broadway, demand the street be given new, non-misogynistic name
Experts: California's planned transition of all state jobs from citizens to illegal aliens by 2020 will help to avoid bankruptcy and save money for social programs for illegal aliens
Putin: If I didn't want Hillary to be president she would be dead
Doritos maker PepsiCo to introduce snack line for women; new Doritasâ„¢ chips will be 77% as big as Doritos and won't make any scary 'crunchy noises'
TMZ: Tooth Fairy accused of sexually assaulting millions of children, outs self as Transgendered Tooth Recovery Specialist
RUSSIA COLLUSION: Trump offers Putin to trade Rep. Maxine Waters for two unnamed members of the State Duma
Ikea founder dead at 91; his coffin arrived in a box with confusing instructions and took 3 hours to assemble
This Thanksgiving ex-president Obama continues with his tradition of apologizing to turkeys everywhere for the injustice they suffered since America's founding
Oslo, Norway: 2017 Nobel Peace Prize goes to advocacy group about which you'll forget immediately after reading this headline
Cambridge, MA, library to replace racist 'Cat in the Hat' with inclusive 'Che in a Beret'
Millions of men worldwide eagerly await broadcast of Hugh Hefner's funeral, solely for the articles
Bill Gates offers to pay for Trump's wall on condition he gets to install Windows
Bernie Sanders introduces single-payer public transportation bill to end America's unequal, unfair, and expensive private transportation system
DNC embroiled in controversy after official Twitter account accidentally 'likes' pictures of US Constitution and Bill of Rights
Hurricane Irma hits Cuba, causes millions of dollars worth of improvements to property and infrastructure
Climate study: extreme weather may be caused by unlicensed witches casting wrong spells in well-meaning effort to destroy Trump
Ex-president Obama declares Irma "Hurricane of Peace," urges not to jump to conclusions and succumb to stormophobia
CNN: Trump reverses Obama's executive order banning hurricanes
ISIS claims responsibility for a total solar eclipse over the lands of American crusaders and nonbelievers
When asked if they could point to North Korea on a map many college students didn't know what a map was
CNN: We must bring America into the 21st century by replacing the 18th century Constitution with 19th century poetry
Pelosi: 'We have to impeach the president in order to find out what we impeached him for'
BREAKING: As of Saturday July 8, 2017, all of Earth's ecosystems have shut down as per Prince Charles's super scientific pronouncement made 96 months ago. Everything is dead. All is lost. Life on Earth is no more.
DNC to pick new election slogan out of four finalists: 'Give us more government or everyone dies,' 'Vote for Democrats or everyone dies,' 'Impeach Trump or everyone dies,' 'Stop the fearmongering or everyone dies'
Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power" is humanity's last chance to save the Earth before it ends five years ago
Experts: The more we embrace diversity the more everything is the same
BOMBSHELL: TMZ offers Kathy Griffin $5 mil to keep any future sex tape private
DEVELOPING: CNN, WaPo, NYT anonymous sources say Vladimir Putin may have ties to Russia
BREAKING: Manning and Snowden have come out with strong condemnation of Donald Trump leaking classified information to Russia
Gun store goes into lockdown over report an "active university professor" roving the grounds
Dozens injured at Ralph Lauren & Louis Vuitton headquarters after Ivanka calls in missile strikes on rival fashion houses
BOMBSHELL: Evidence proves Donald Trump conspired with his campaign to defeat Hillary Clinton
University ranked "very intolerant of free speech" fights the accusation by banning the study and all involved
Concerned that Russians don't consume enough alcohol in the month of March, Russia's Orthodox Church makes St. Patrick's Day official holiday
Grassroots group calls for "The Million Regulators March" on Washington, supported by all who fear the loss of their betters telling them what to do
Experts: Starbucks CEO Schultz's hiring of 10,000 Muslim refugees likely to blow up in his face
Will the groundprog be frightened by its own shadow and hide - or will there be another season of insane protests?
Trump signs executive order making California and New York national monuments; residents have two days to vacate
Women's March against fascism completed with 400,000 fewer deaths than anticipated
Feminist historians uncover ghastly concentration camps where so-called "housewives" were forced to live inauthentic lives slaving away in kitchens
Dictionary of the future: Global Warming was a popular computer simulation game, where the only way to win was not to play
"Anti-fascist" groups violently protest misspelling of their original name, "aren't-we-fascists"
Post-inauguration blues: millions of democrats distraught as the reality of having to find real jobs sets in
"Journalism is the continuation of war by other means" is exposed as a fake quote by mainstream media journalists
Congressional Democrats: "We cannot just simply replace Obamacare with freedom because then millions of Americans will suddenly become free"
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