It sounds too good to be true, but our days of supporting Weak Liberals are at an end. With Barack Obama we finally have a true Strong Communist.
Understandably he doesn't admit to being a Marxist. No American politician does. However, a brief look at his openly Marxist friends and family will show that he is a fellow traveler.
First his parents, followed by his mentor Frank Marshall Davis, then Chicago where he was supported by several leftists, and finally his official campaign blogger who is also a contributor to the Socialist Viewpoint magazine.
You may ask, how can we be sure? He sort of walks and talks like a capitalist. Can he really be one of us? Is he really a Marxist in Progressive clothing? It is actually very easy to prove. Just ask any unenlightened capitalist how many Communist friends and family members he has. Let me guess: not a single one. But Obama's entire life is a string of involvements with true believers, who follow one after another like beads in a rosary. The answer is as plain as the Hammer and Sickle on the Soviet flag.
He Is The One.
~
Stanley Ann Dunham Obama Soetoro aka Mom
Ann Dunham was a radical leftist and cultural Marxist. She lived in the Seattle area, spending her teenage years in Seattle's coffee shops with other young radical leftists. Despite Obama's claims that his mother's family were conservative Methodists or Baptists from Kansas, they were members of a left-wing Unitarian church near Seattle.
The church located in Bellevue , Washington was nicknamed "the little red church," because of it's communist leanings.
The school Ann attended, Mercer Island High School, was a hotbed of pro-Marxist indoctrination. John Stenhouse, board member, told the House Un-American Activities Subcommittee that he had been a member of the Communist Party USA and this school had a number of Marxists on its staff. Two teachers at this school, Val Foubert and Jim Wichterman, both Frankfurt School style Marxists, taught a critical theory curriculum, which included rejection of societal norms, attacks on Christianity, and the traditional family. They also assigned readings by Karl Marx. The hallway between Foubert's and Wichterman classrooms was sometimes called "anarchy ally."
Barack Hussein Obama Sr.
In 1965 Obama Sr. wrote an important paper titled "Problems Facing Our Socialism," published in the East Africa Journal. It harshly criticized the blueprint for national planning titled "African Socialism and Its Applicability to Planning in Kenya," produced by Tom Mboya's Ministry of Economic Planning and Development.
Obama's paper put him on the side of communist-allied leader Oginga Odinga against pro-Western 'third way" leader Tom Mboya and the President of Kenya Jomo Kenyatta.
Frank Marshall Davis
In Hawaii, Barack was mentored by a member of the Communist Party by the name of Frank Marshall Davis. Davis, whom Obama calls “Frank” in his memoir “Dreams from My Father,” was an unrepentant communist. He stayed with the Communist Party even after the Hitler-Stalin pact. That’s why he is referred to as “a Stalinist agent.”
Other prominent black Americans who had been members of the Communist Party had left it after it had become an apologist for horrible crimes committed by Stalin and the Soviet system. Yet Frank Marshall Davis stayed with the party and wrote some infamous poems defending the Soviet Union and attacking the United States.
Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn
The Weather Underground terrorists, Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn, weren't just any '60s radicals. They were communists who openly supported the enemy killing Americans in Vietnam. Some of the members in this group, including Dohrn, had traveled to Havana, Cuba, to get instructions from the communists about how to wage their campaign in the United States.
Sen. Alice Palmer and Dr. Quentin Young
According to the public evidence Obama launched his political career in Chicago at the home of Bernardine Dohrn and Bill Ayers. Other people who were there include then-state Sen. Alice Palmer and a Dr. Quentin Young. Those two people are almost as significant as Ayers and Dohrn.
There are two reports that state Sen. Palmer had been involved in a Communist Party front group called the U.S. Peace Council and had actually made a trip to the old Soviet Union.
Dr. Quentin Young had been accused of involvement and membership in the Communist Party, and he refused to answer as well when he was called before a committee to explain his financial support for radicals who were behind the riots in Chicago at the Democratic National Convention back in 1968.
Sam Graham-Felsen
Hired to run Obama's blog, Sam Graham-Felsen writes in a Marxist publications that openly calls for revolution against the American government.
Sam is a former writer for the leftist Nation magazine and a contributor to the Socialist Viewpoint. He is certainly a believer in class warfare. The product of a Harvard education, Sam is an admirer of anti-American academic Noam Chomsky. Mr. Chomsky is fond of visiting dictators and terrorists and giving speeches that blame the worlds' ills on America.
Activists from Illinois were immersed in the campaign to elect Barack Obama to the U.S. Senate. Obama won a landslide victory in the March 16 Democratic primary. If Obama wins in November, he would be only the third African American senator since Reconstruction.
“This was a historic victory. It was a victory for political independence and grassroots, coalition, and issue oriented politics over the machine and money,” said John Bachtell, Illinois CP district organizer.
Obama has a long history of rubbing elbows with Marxists, so it's no wonder he views raising capital gain taxes as a question of fairness, not increasing revenues.
The Progressive World of Next Tuesday is at hand, comrades.
In the great leftist tradition, much of the above was copied and pasted. For further information just google Obama Marxist.
This is an inspiring report about our Messiah and soon to be POTUS. The New World of Next Tuesday is within our grasp. Soon the proles and the world will witness the Power and the Glory that is Obama.
We must rally the Necro-proxy voters and make sure every voter's vote is counted....at least twice. We must begin making lists of those who will need to be arrested and purged.
We will all have a Chris Matthew's moment in November, after the Sultan of Change wins the election.
But we still must find out other questions about Obama...
Is he an internationalist socialist or a national socialist?
Is he one of those useless incrementalist socialists or a real socialist?
Further, in spite of an otherwise outstanding socialist background, we are yet to see if he has the socialist cojones to squash his enemies like the former Empress.
I'm so glad that all of them haven't yet been told the big lie that socialism and communism are failed ideologies. We finally have the chance to put a true believer in the whitehouse....or should I say, Wrighthouse.
Obama/Wright '08 !!
('cause you know he still love him some Rev. Wright)
I'm so glad that all of them haven't figured out yet that socialism and communism are failed ideologies.
What is this? What sort of ThoughtCrime™ are you spreading? Great Stalin's Ghost! My heart is beating like a polar bear cub as the ice floe under his feet is melting! Comrade! Socialism and Communism have never failed! Any where, any place! There have been many "people" that have failed Socialism and failed Communism!
How many times must you go back to the Karl Marx Re-Education Center before your mind is cleaned?
Well stated Commissar Pupovich!! We are like a vine growing around a house. Soon we'll totally envelope the house and choke out the KKKapitalists inside and their ilk.
As for the photo of the donkeys going over the cliff, every Comrade must make a sacrifice for the good of the Party. It would've been better if Howard Dean was jumping off the cliff too.
I'm so glad that all of them haven't figured out yet that socialism and communism are failed ideologies.
What is this? What sort of ThoughtCrime™ are you spreading? Great Stalin's Ghost! My heart is beating like a polar bear cub as the ice floe under his feet is melting! Comrade! Socialism and Communism have never failed! Any where, any place! There have been many "people" that have failed Socialism and failed Communism!
How many times must you go back to the Karl Marx Re-Education Center before your mind is cleaned?
Alright,comrade...please don't freak on me.
I fixed my post. Please don't send me back there....unless Betty and Betinov can come too?
Oh,and my HU wanted to write a little sump'n sump'n:
Her mind will never be clean...she's very naughty.
Oh,and my HU wanted to write a little sump'n sump'n:
Her mind will never be clean...she's very naughty.
Comrade Lenin 'n Thingies, as you should know by now, the Party looks with great favor on those who engage in shall we say, activities that the corrupt class exploiting imperialists call "naughty" or other such names. I for one embrace such forward thinking and acting comrades. As Commissar of Eco-Prostitution and Mental Health, I can certainly assure you that your "HU" will be welcome. Er.... what does HU stand for if you don't mind? Hottie Unionist?
Greetings commrades! Will the Poliburo grant permission to a First Post?
Welcome Comrade Vornoff. Of course you are granted permission for this initial post. But rules are rules. Welcome to the Cube, you may collect your blunt shovel from the guard and get in the line to the left. You will be washed down in the People's Shower to rid your self of any possible "bugs" and initial capitalist delousement. The bus will take you to the Karl Marx Re-Education Center where for those who survive, will begin to get in touch with their "Inner Comrade."
How To Get In Touch With Your InnerComrade
Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow,deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general. Keep digging until the need for self-sacrifice overwhelms you. Breathe out selfishness,self-esteem, personal responsibility, and any thoughtcrimes that may have been haunting you. Allow shame, despair, guilt for your very existence, and blind faith in the Party doctrine to spread from the top of your head, all the way down to the tips of your fingers and toes,erasing every curvy line in your brain. This should take about five hours of uninterrupted self-criticism.
Once you feel totally guilty, worthless, and fearful, imagine yourself as a powerful Commissar in charge of purges, disappearances,and composting. Look into the piercing eyes of this Commissar and ask yourself these questions:
If you were a Commissar looking down at this worthless piece of crap with a shovel (you), what would you say to him/her/it?
- Will you be disgusted and feel an urge to squash this human stain for the common good?
- Will you denounce him/her/it as Enemy of the People?
- Will you want to promote him/her/it to the rank of your assistant in charge of composting Enemies of the People?
- Will you reward him/her/it with an extra rationing coupon?
- Or will you see something in those eyes that will turn your feet cold with fear and you will fall on your knees and announce the advent of the New Leader, Friend of People, and Father of Nations?
Once you know a clear answer to those questions, your self-criticism session is complete. You have discovered your InnerComrade™
Okay,I see that I should have clarified, that by participate,I meant he wanted to write something. He wrote the line; "Her mind will never be clean....."
And yes,Comrade Pupovich,men can indeed be very naughty...where do you think us wimmins learn to be naughty? That's right,y'all been corrupting us from day one.
Also,for Mikhail darling...we're kinky,but not THAT kinky.....no sadism for this chicky
Stepping outside Party doctrine for a moment... No Lenin 'n Thingies, I can not agree. It all goes back to Adam and Eve. Men were completely innocent. trusting. and pure. It is the normal state of all men. But Adam, like all men who followed him, are born completely trusting, unable to comprehend any one lying or deceiving another. But Eve tricked Adam. and so all men were doomed to a world of work and pain. Yet men still do their best to remain innocent and trusting souls... but the wimmin are still there, trying to lure them into being "naughty" as you say. Thus says the Gospel of St Pup the Innocent.
Yeah,I thought you might try to use that old apple story. Even considering the validity of this story,it was Satan who tempted Eve w/ godhood and told her to partake of the apple and entice Adam to take a bite of the apple. And Satan,I do believe,is of the male gender........you were saying,Comrade?
Besides,from personal experience,I can tell you that I was just a poor,innocent lass before the male species corrupted me w/ their wiley ways. Doesn't matter that I enjoyed every minute of the corruption,I was still corrupted!
And now that I'm thinking about it,I demand reparations for my ecstasy suffering at the hands of the mens...or maybe restitution...yes,I demand my innocence back! Give it to me now!!......wait a minute,that's how I got into this mess in the first place
Hmmmm, all we know it was a snake that ALLEGEDLY tempted Eve, No, I think the facts are clear. Ask any man on the street and they will no doubt tell you they are innocent of those charges.
Hmmmm, all we know it was a snake that ALLEGEDLY tempted Eve, No, I think the facts are clear. Ask any man on the street and they will no doubt tell you they are innocent of those charges.
I am surprised anyone needs to be reminded of party theology: If it can be imagined, with effort, that the Bush/Cheney cabal was involved, then it is their fault. Eve was obviously influenced by an anscestor of Carl Rove.
Hmmmm, all we know it was a snake that ALLEGEDLY tempted Eve, No, I think the facts are clear. Ask any man on the street and they will no doubt tell you they are innocent of those charges.
All I know is that Adam and Eve were the first communists. They had no clothes, no food, no skills, no morals - and they believed they lived in paradise.
Comrades, I fear we must be on our guard for non-progressive, imperialist species! I recently came into possession of a video from an online friend of mine...a video made by the Tedious Marmosets. On the plus side, at least they didn't sing.....I have heard them sing many times.
Bravo Cammisar Maksim, proof once again, The Party has great control over this election and many glorious Progressives will help the Obamasiah become the president of Amerika.
(Karakter off)
Commisar Pupovich, the video was a hoot. I'm laughing still.
You don't need my associates or family to describe my political views!
Straight Up, Muthaf#@kers....From my megady megady macdaddy bestseller, pages 100 and 101:
"To avoid being mistaken for a sellout,I chose my friends carefully.The more politically active black students.The foreign students.The Chicanos.The Marxist Professors, and the structural feminists and punk-rock performance poets.We smoked cigarettes and wore leather jackets.At night,in the dorms,we discussed neocolonialism,Franz Fanon,Eurocentrism,and patriarchy.When we ground out our cigarettes in the hallway carpet or set our stereos so loud that the walls began to shake,we were resistingbourgeois society's stifling constraints.We weren't indifferent or careless or insecure.We were alienated."
America finally gets her chance to elect a president who is EXPERIENCED in pretense resistance to pretense oppression by the "bourgeois society's stifling constraints."
I suppose that is somewhat better Obama.... but I still find it hard to support you as I should. You still are lacking the cold blooded lust for power and revenge so embodied in the former Empress. Perhaps you could work with Nancy for awhile to build up your ball busting skills?
Perhaps you could work with Nancy for awhile to build up your ball busting skills?
I'm penciled in for The Progressive World of Next Tuesday™, in the mean....and I do mean mean..meantime I still have Michelle for that.
What's important now is that I continue my Crackerspeech classes with my mentor Chappelle. Dave has really helped me out in that area. Have you noticed I sound just like him when he talks like The Man?
What's important now is that I continue my Crackerspeech classes with my mentor Chappelle. Dave has really helped me out in that area. Have you noticed I sound just like him when he talks like The Man?
No, sorry I had not noticed this as I am not as up to date on the latest in entertainment-politics as I should be, but I have taken the time to invstigate and am so down with you now....
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History