~ If you are a foul-mouthed progressive candidate suffering from a poor public perception, this product is guaranteed to leave your tongue and the nation's memory sparkling clean and ready for your leadership. PeopleSpeak™ mouth detergent and word-replacement formula works by filtering out inappropriate statements, automatically replacing them with nurturing words that reach into people's hearts and establish the positive model of care, motherhood, breastfeeding, and unconditional handouts.
To prove its effectiveness, our scientists took some of the most vulgar statements made by Hillary Clinton over the years - and, by using the PeopleSpeak™ automated transformation process, converted them into a product suitable for the Good Morning America show with Diane Sawyer.
The chart below illustrates how this revolutionary formula helps to frame the debate in the most favorable terms for our customers.
Hillary Clinton's documented statements
The PeopleSpeak™ Version
"You f**king idiot." (From the book "Crossfire" p. 84 - Hillary to a State Trooper who was driving her to an event.)
You are a disadvantaged victim of the unenlightened society. Have a candy.
"Get f**ked! Get the f**k out of my way!!! Get out of my face!!!" (From the book "Hillary's Scheme" p. 89 - Hillary's various comments to her Secret Service detail agents.)
How do you like my healthcare proposal that would include free facelifts? I want to make sure that all needy Americans can socialize more effectively and find adequate sex partners.
"Where's the miserable c*ck sucker?" (From the book "The Truth About Hillary" by Edward Klein, p. 5 - Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer)
Where's the happy activist for Rainbow Coalition whom I hired out of respect for alternative lifestyles?
"Where is the G-damn f**king flag? I want the G-damn f**king flag up every f**king morning at f**king sunrise." (From the book "Inside The White House" by Ronald Kessler, p. 244 - Hillary to the staff at the Arkansas Governor's mansion on Labor Day, 1991)
Oh say can you see the poor people's flag? I want it up by the dawn's early light! It gives me proof through the day of my benevolent power o'er the land of the sick and the home of the uninsured.
"You sold out, you mother f**ker! You sold out!" From the book "Inside" by Joseph Califano, p. 213 - Hillary yelling at Democrat lawyer.)
It is a disgrace that mothers in this country are forced to sell their children to keep up with the growing gasoline prices.
F**k off! It's enough that I have to see you shit-kickers every day, I'm not going to talk to you too!! Just do your G*damn job and keep your mouth shut." (From the book "American Evita" by Christopher Anderson, p. 90 - Hillary to her State Trooper bodyguards after one of them greeted her with "Good morning.")
Did you take that free colonoscopy test I recommended? One day I'll make the diagnostics for gastrointestinal disorders a free mandatory procedure for all working Americans. No exceptions!
"Put this on the ground! I left my sunglasses in the limo. I need those sunglasses. We need to go back!" (From the book "Dereliction of Duty" p. 71-72 - Hillary to Marine One helicopter pilot to turn back while en route to Air Force One.)
Fly faster! I must get to a TV camera before every middle class citizen in this great country dies of hunger, desperation, and lack of affordable housing. Americans can't wait for me to look them in the eye and give them hope!
"If you want to remain on this detail, get your f**king ass over here and grab those bags!" (From the book "The First Partner" p. 259 - Hillary to a Secret Service Agent who was reluctant to carry her luggage because he wanted to keep his hands free in case of an incident.)
I think this heavy bag has just pulled my arm out of its socket. But never mind me, run quickly and feed those starving children!
"Stay the f**k back, stay the f**k away from me! Don't come within ten yards of me, or else! Just f**king do as I s ay, Okay!!!?" (From the book "Unlimited Access", by Clinton FBI Agent in Charge, Gary Aldrige, p. 139 - Hillary screaming at her Secret Service detail.)
With my arm out of the socket I'm slowing down your steady progress. Leave me here to die, I implore you! I'm ordering you as your future president! The American people must be taken good care of, with or without me!
A right-wing network was after his presidency...including perverting the Constitution." (To Barbara Walters about the Republicans who impeached her husband; 20/20, ABC 6/8/2003.)
Doesn't the Constitution say that every American regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference has an inalienable right to a rationing coupon?
"What are you doing inviting these people into my home? These people are our enemies! They are trying to destroy us!" (From the book "The Survivor" by John Harris, p. 99 - Hillary screaming to an aide, when she found out that some Republicans had been invited to the Clinton White House)
Of course we welcome everyone to partake in our collective effort to build an equitable, sustainable campaign fund, open to donations from every single person on the planet.
"Come on Bill, put your dick up! You can't f**k her here!!" (From the book "Inside The White House" by Ronald Kessler, p. 243 - Hillary to Gov. Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female at an Arkansas political rally)
Bill, why don't you write a check to Make-A-Wish Foundation? Let's teach this dying child the value of delayed gratification. What do you mean she's not dying? There, she's dying now!
"Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?!" (From the book "The Survivor," by John Harris, p. 382 - Hillary in her 2000 Senate campaign)
Lie is a non-word devised by the right-wing network to distract me from redistributing their wealth for the Common Good. All words are equal, so I can choose any words I want as long as they get me to the Common Good faster.
Don't start your political campaign with a filthy mouth! Maintain a steady progress towards the Common Good™ with PeopleSpeak™!
LISTEN TO WHAT OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS ARE SAYING...
John Edwards: By preventing embarrassing dirty-mouth moments and covering up existing blemishes, the PeopleSpeak™ double-action formula will give you that spotless legacy you always wanted, driving your ratings up all the way to the public office.
Diane Feinstein: I voted for appropriations worth billions to my husband's firms, but thanks to PeopleSpeak™ all the voters could hear was that I care about the children and that I'm willing to sacrifice my personal interests for the Common Good.
Harry Reid: Every time someone mentions my lack of spine, duplicity, or shady land deals, a generous application of PeopleSpeak™ eliminates any traces of wrongdoing and restores a healthy balance of power.
Rev. Al Sharpton: With PeopleSpeak™ I can say anything I goddamn want - and all you dummies will hear is how sensitive I am to your goddamn pain. Hell, if it weren't for PeopleSpeak™ I might actually have to work as a minister in some goddamn church and speak from a filthy pulpit instead of posh TV studios!
Barney Frank: I used to have a male prostitution ring run from my home, but an application of PeopleSpeak™ made it sound as if I supported sexual minorities in their struggle against oppression. It pays to be a dedicated PeopleSpeak™ user!
John McCain: When I was PeopleSpeak™user the media loved me. I was always on TV with celebrities, speaking against torture and stuff. Then I skipped a dose... The media dumped me and I became just another Republican nobody. I thought they liked me - but it was PeopleSpeak™ in me that they liked!
Ted Kennedy: The great people of Massachusetts are increasingly getting spoiled, asking me to cuddle with them when I'm not in the mood. That's when I let PeopleSpeak™ talk for me. I have discovered that a mix of PeopleSpeak™ and scotch is the greatest invention since scotch!
George Soros: With my billions of dollars I don't even have to use PeopleSpeak™, but I tried it just for kicks - and now I'm addicted. It makes me commiserate with the downtrodden! To sit on a golden toilet and commiserate with the downtrodden is a thrill you've got to experience for yourself in order to understand it.
PeopleSpeak™ Mouth Detergent Carefully formulated for the dirtiest People's Leaders
A truly WONDROUS product of our progressive scientists striving to hasten the day when Party Truth™ can accomplish ten or more 180deg flip-flops a day and our loyal followers will not have to strain their brain housing groups to keep up (or question).
Example (before PeopleSpeak) of what goes through a Progressive Leader's mind when speaking to the masses:
This crap is a Progressive EMP wave to the common useful idiot brain with a 20 second attention span and one TV Season long term memory. These creepy, smelly "progressive" morons cannot even remember that leftists were all for something before they found they could make the issue political, endanger America, cause America's enemies to rally and kill American Soldiers, etc and then became against it. These leftist "progressive" morons are so easy to fool that we cannot question their idiocy, but so long as they remain "useful", we do not have to show them the Hell of life for commoners in a true socialist "utopia". After we "silence" all conservatives permanently, "leading" these moronic "progressive" lemmings will be simple!
After PeopleSpeak. What the Glorious Progressive Leader says:
This glorious product ensures the evil vast right wing conspiracy cannot pollute the media with lies like they intentionally and maliciously pollute the environment with their evil pick-up trucks. We all know that progressives are obviously FAR more intelligent than these red-neck idiotic, barbaric buffoons as we "see beyond" the rhetoric and know the truth! It is only the pollution of propaganda from the evil conservatives which slows our inevitable march to the true socialist utopia! After we "silence" all conservatives permanently, everything will be simple and glorious for the working class!
Praise Marx and Lenin!!! Praise to the Party™ scientists who worked to bring this miracle product of Progressive science to the World for the Common Good™!!!
If only the VRWC would be required to use People Speak™ Mouth Detergent!!! This will no doubt be one of Hillary's first directives, along with purges and reeducation camps, once the Sheeple have coronated Her to the Throne. Then their viscious and unfounded lies about Our Empress and Her minions would vanish and this KKKountry could march forward towards it's Progressive destiny.
Was a similar product used to whitewash the collective memory of the media and the Party elite regarding claims of WMDs in Iraq during the 1990s? Just curious... the media and useful idiots have successfully manipulated the masses in believing only BusHitler lied about WMDs... no mention of Clinton's claims.
Yes, this may present the Party with the means to generate hard cash for Party approved projects. Like any good heroin pusher, we can charge these politicians a lower price to begin with and the closer to the election, we can charge a higher price for People Speak™. I put it out for the consideration of the Party.
Yes, this may present the Party with the means to generate hard cash for Party approved projects. Like any good heroin pusher, we can charge these politicians a lower price to begin with and the closer to the election, we can charge a higher price for People Speak™. I put it out for the consideration of the Party.
Great idea Komrade! Wait a minute, that sounds like capitalism...
*chugs a bottle of peopleSpeak*
A socially responsible alternative to capitalism is *hiccup* taxation. Each man, woman, child and *hiccup* underrepresented sexual-minority should deliver thier salaries to the state in exchange for coupons good for peopleSpeak. As our rightful leaders *hiccup*, democratic politicians will, of course, recieve these coupons free of charge. *hiccup*
Uh... Comrade Red Square... far be it for me, a lowly Zampolit, to complain. But ...uh... the Party Scientists have not returned any of the thirty-two 55 gallon drums of Ethylene Glycol that I loaned them and which I in turn got from Chairman Meow. Uh... did they use all 1,760 gallons of it? The reason I ask is that it is getting close to time to mixing up a new batch of Party Approved Margaritas™ in preparation for Spring Break and The Party™ Recruitment drive in Cozumel, Mexico that is coming up in mid-March.
Using PeopleSpeak™ instead of Ethylene Glycol in the Party Approved Margarita has not been tested and is therefore not Party Approved. I guess I could mix up an experimental margarita batch and give it to Meow to test it out. What do you think? Personally, giving any experimental chemical concoction to Meow frightens the hell out of me. But I am unable to find anyone more qualified than Meow when it comes to ingesting unusual chemical formulations. The way I see it is, if Meow's liver can handle it then it's gold!
Yes, this may present the Party with the means to generate hard cash for Party approved projects. Like any good heroin pusher, we can charge these politicians a lower price to begin with and the closer to the election, we can charge a higher price for People Speak™. I put it out for the consideration of the Party.
Interesting Idea.... Especially the heroin part. We could alter the formula for the working class by makinging it addictive. The proceeds could be funneled to our Al Qeada allies in order for them to continue their distraction of the "Great Satan" until we are fully in power and the AQ leaders are no longer needed.
In addition, the working class will then be even MORE dependent on our loving, progressive government (in reality, how is it any different than crib to grave welfare?).
"Opiate of the Masses with Molasses" has a really nice ring, even better than "my daddy worked in the mill"TM or "I have over 35 years of experience being me"TM, but would it really be in the Party's best interest to enable every common sociopath to become leader of the once-free world? In order for the Party to succeed, we need to stick with tried and true elite sociopaths.
Comrade Hasan. You sound like a Bush mole! "Undocumented???" Do you want the People™ to be able to deduce that the perpetrator was not a white middle-class reactionary???? Here, let Kommissar Vodkov try:
Which cubist managed to plant this satirical article in the party organ NYT?
Very clever to think up a scheme where the Empress would be the best "choice" on the people's ballot. Imagine the people's party getting all candiates but one deleted from the ballot. Demokracy! Bwa ha ha ha!
4 Democrats Pull Out of Michigan Primary
Komrads®, After some careful reflection and a self imposed gulag (I used to think....no, I used to to work hard....no, I used to think I worked hard) see this is what I am trying to get at, Gulag didn't work, reflection is thinking. Is there a derivitive of this amazing miracle cure for actual thought? A bottle of say "Peoplethink" that would releive my masters of the burden of having to consume something (possibly Ethelyne Glycol, eeek!) for my benifit. We can't have hitlery not being able to spout invectives at "Right wingers" or have them hear "I love all of you" when she is going off on them for their benifit. I want to consume, so when Herr Empress says anything we will simply agree, toast the party and do another shot regardless of what she said. Perhaps it could be worked into voldka rations or dripped into IV's when we go to a party approved medical clinics...... I am not doing my part towing the party line am I? Those thoughts should come naturally to one who has dug (and filled...why is there always so much extra dirt?) as many holes as I have. Maybe I just need more Gulag, Sorry to waste your time with my "thinking" I am going to go hit myself with a shovel and see if that helps.
Is there a similar product to correct this sad sorry state of affairs?
What sorry state of affairs? Are you suggesting that the Empress was singing off key and had forgotten some of the words to the National Anthem? Surely you meant that the band was playing out of tune, and that additional (and unauthorized) words had been added to the original lyrics so faithfully engraved on the dear leader's heart.
Comrades, forgive my narrow sighted lack of vision. I was led astray by ... Bush, yes, Bush and his warm fuzzy seductive words. Our many-titted empress' laugh is not a thing to be cured by incessant maniacal scrubbing nor cleaned by obsessive/compulsive uses of mouthrinse. No, it is a force to be channeled; a dynamo; a herculean polyhymnia capable of affecting great change and movement. Just listen:
Why, already I feel an intense movement within the deepest recesses of my bowels and suspect that an immense and satisfying change will soon occur. I propose that this mellifluous concatenation be processed, bottled, packaged, and distributed to the masses such that the party might benefit. What think you comrades? From each according to his excess to each according to her need!
I'm sorry..... Um... what were we talking about again? I got.... um.. lost in the visuals. They just kind of popped out at me and I know we were talking about cleavage..... oh, um.. I mean Mouth...um... mmmmm... OctoberFest.... oh, um mouth detergent to keep non-correct thought from busting out... I mean um....
What the hell are you people talking about? The Cube™ is a very important website that is critical to the Revolution that is coming next Tuesday. This site is to used for the purpose of discussing official party busi ....
*Scrolls up a bit*
WHOA!!!
uh... party business... and ... uh .... to ... uh ...
What the hell was I talking about?
Ah Hell who cares! I have this sudden urge to get a Corona outta the fridge!
Frankly, I don't know what's worse: The Leetspeak, the proliferation of cleavage symbolic of the deep divide in our society (soon to be remedied by MTE)--or the sudden onslaught of drooling everywhere.
And it's not just on this thread either--earlier today someone was doing it on another. The drooling, that is.
Well, OK, the other things too. On every other thread, in fact.
But you'll note I'm not doing any of these things. And I think feel that makes me more Progressive than all of you droolers, leetspeakers, and--and--and dividers.
I am not drooling! I am conducting a very educational and informative study of the liquidity of assets possessed by the party; esp. in their capacity to convert an unattractive male into a highly attractive player in only a few liters.
Watch this instructional video to understand more:
A properly progressive young comrade...you can see the red cover of her Party identification papers peeking out of her jeans pocket. No, down there. Her pockets are down here, comrades...uh...um...
I hate the term "Swiftboating." I hate how the name of the boats we honored when we were in uniform in Vietnam has become a verb for the twisted politics of Karl Rove.
I really like this one.
Quote
We can't let the right-wing steal another election with lies and distortions.
If the 2004 election is any indication, all the vicious "Dem on Dem" personal attacks will later be transformed into vicious Republican attacks by the media who will reinforce the image that the Dems were always at peace with Dems and anything wrong that ever happened was the Republican fault.
Once they accomplish that, they'll start claiming that since the media disseminated the hostile jabs, they must have been doing the Republican bidding and therefore nobody can seriously claim that the media is covertly working for the Democrats.
It happened before, it'll happen again.
I heard a Dem hack on the NPR making such a claim: because the media destroyed Howard Dean's image after his donkey scream, the media was working against the Democrats and betrayed its right-wing leanings. What he conveniently didn't mention was that it happened during the primaries when Dean was competing against John Kerry who most likely had the support of the Clintons. Thus Left-on-Left bashing was successfully transformed into Right-on-Left bashing, giving the media a license and an incentive to continue sliding even more to the left.
Gotta love how he deplores the so-called corruption of "Swiftboat"--then proceeds to use it TWICE in that same deplorable context.
Here, Senator, let dumb old Pinkie, who was too stoopid to get into college so she joined the military instead, fix this for you:
Quote
The right left-wing has nothing to offer but fear and smears, and they are gearing up to deliver plenty of it. Already we hear of a conservative group with ties to theBushWhite House -- Freedom's Watch -- liberal group that claims to own the Democrats--called MoveOn.Org--that plans to spend a quarter of a billion dollars on this election. I think we all know enough about how the right- left wing operates to know that this money won't go to helping voters make informed choices. That money will go to smearing Republican candidates across and all that's good and great about America, up and down the ballot.
Gee, Senator, I guess you must be too stoopid to get a real job working to support the wealthy lifestyle you enjoy, so you married yourself a rich Republican's widow. Now that's Progressive!
Gee, Senator, I guess you must be too stoopid to get a real job working to support the wealthy lifestyle you enjoy, so you married yourself a rich Republican's widow. Now that's Progressive!
Now that's a pretty saucy comment if you ask me. (Lenin, but I live for bad puns!)
Gee, Senator, I guess you must be too stoopid to get a real job working to support the wealthy lifestyle you enjoy, so you married yourself a rich Republican's widow. Now that's Progressive!
(Pinkie on, retracts claws)
Meeeeee oooowww!!! (And I ain't talkin' about the Chairman!)
Has Her Excellency seen this? There's a photographer (or some counter-revolutionary graphic artist with Photoshop) out there who may win a free vacation to their favorite gulag!!!
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
NY Times, Newsweek offer editorial inoculations to concerned readers of Sarah Palin's book
Going Rogue: FEMA braces for massive outbreaks of Palin Derangement Syndrome
Following Fort Hood tragedy, Obama declares all military bases gun-free zones
Pelosi: we won.
Philies: so did we
Study: Global Warming linked to consumption of beans and beef patties
Pro-Obama gamers discover 'cheat codes' in U.S. Constitution
Police trained in using end of life counselingtechniques to negotiate suicide threats
Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
buy a T-shirt
leave your tongue and the nation's memory sparkling clean and ready for your leadership. PeopleSpeak™ mouth detergent and word-replacement formula works by filtering out inappropriate statements, automatically replacing them with nurturing words that reach into people's hearts and establish the positive model of care, motherhood, breastfeeding, and unconditional handouts. 
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
buy this sticker
Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
