Associated Press
British tycoon Richard Branson dangled a $25 million prize before the world's top scientists Friday seeking to spur research into devising ways to suck greenhouse gases out of the air.
Former Vice President Al Gore lent his support to the challenge, which came a week after a landmark report by the world's leading climate scientists and government officials warned that global warming will continue, creating a far different planet in 100 years.
"Man created the problem, therefore man should solve the problem," Branson said.
He compared the quest to a competition Britain's Parliament launched in 1714 to devise a method of estimating longitude accurately. Six decades passed before English clockmaker John Harrison received his prize from King George III for discovering an accurate method.
"The Earth cannot wait 60 years. We need everybody capable of discovering an answer to put their minds to it today," Branson said.
I think what we need to do is kill off as many people as possible... maybe two or three billion for starters. You know its coming to that anyway so I thought I'd be first. Do I get my $25 million now?
Well now, that 25 million is surely mine for I, Meowsevich S. Punchenko, have devised a new social movement which will take this bloated greed ridden country by storm. Yes, my mind combined with various U.N lackeys has meshed together to form Crapping For Climate Change®, a progressive new pro-active group which will collectively crap, fart and spew methane gases into the atmosphere to save our Mother Earth from the dreaded global warming apocalypse! I am currently urging all useful-idiots to join me and countless others around the world on June 14th as we crap, fart and spew brown fluids in public to save our Earth! We poo for the children! We do it for them!
Q: How does this work?
A: It's easy! All you have to do is make a generous contribution of $500 to Crapping For Climate Change®, meet us on the 14th outside local restuarants and other public venues in D.C, pull your pants down, drink a bottle of super-lax, and then let mother nature do the rest! Our collective crap will reek to the point that the Earth has no choice but to produce what we call "cooling air" to rid itself of the smell. Either that or the White House decides to sign the Kyoto Treaty to get us (the unwashed masses) from crapping all over the place.
Q: Can I bring my friends, family and pets with me?
A: Sure! We need everyone around the world to donate and then collectively crap at the same time for this to work. Of course we know everyone can't travel to D.C on the 14th, so we are asking folks in China, North Korea, Cuba, Europe and other progressive countries/land masses/acceptable places to live other than America to just mail their turds in an envelope! Go ahead, shove Fido's turd in the mail and send it to us! We would LOVE to line the streets with multi-cultural turds the world over! We are doing this to save humanity.... we crap for the children, remember that!
Q: My grandmother is dead, can I bring her anyways?
A: I don't see why not! She is voting Democrat isn't she?! Well, isn't she!?! Go ahead and bring nanna and whatever else you can find that has a particular stange odor... we need all the help we can get to usher in Global Methane Cooling... you do want to help the children, don't you?
...' think what we need to do is kill off as many people as possible... maybe two or three billion for starters. You ... Do I get my $25 million now?'
Sorry, friend. Comrades Blackmun, Burger, Brennan, Douglas, Marshall, Powell and Stewart already beat you to that idea - and have impimented it to great success.
I think what we need to do is kill off as many people as possible... maybe two or three billion for starters. You know its coming to that anyway so I thought I'd be first. Do I get my $25 million now?
The good news is, YES!!! YOU HAVE WON $25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! *ka-ching!*
The bad news is, you're going to be among the two or three billion scheduled to be killed off. Sorry, Margaret. Rules are rules. (Take that suitcase with ca$h from her and give it to me. Good. Now put her in handcuffs and call her uncle - he can have her back for another $25 mil. Tell him it's for the children.)
Gahaha! I just got the grant approved for my company, The D.C Metro Waste Disposal Inc., to handle the "clean up efforts" after the useful idiots crap all over the streets! Ahaha! Easy money, comrades... easy money. All that poo... who is going to clean it up!? Oh, Congress knows! Congress will get Meowsevich's Waste Disposal contractor to clean it up! Yes! And then he can charge $2,000 for every turd (which will be in the millions, mind you) to be cleaned up! PERFECT! Ugh, I love our new progressive Congress and the tax-dollars that can be weaseled out of it... Global Warming is definitely my new ca$h cow. The money alone from the $500 entry donation will tally up enough to buy myself a new private jet... and the millions in turd sweeping will allow me to buy a private island in the Caribbean so that I may take a trip in my new private jet! <lights cigar> yes, it doesn’t get any better than this <pffftttttt><pheeeewww>
Sorry Margie about your dilemma, wish I could help ya but I'm to busy reaping in the rewards. Yuk yuk yuk!
The good news is, YES!!! YOU HAVE WON $25 MILLION DOLLARS!!! *ka-ching!*
The bad news is, you're going to be among the two or three billion scheduled to be killed off. Sorry, Margaret. Rules are rules.
Not in my book mister Square. I'm a girl, and a very wealthy girl with a lot more wherewithal than that. And you aren't. This is Richard Branson and Al Gore's contest not yours.
But, I've been thinking about this carbon dioxide thing. I was having lunch at Mitzie's and drinking a Bubble Up and watching all those little bubbles bubbling up in the glass and I realized something that no one seems to've thought of. This global warming thing is really Coca-Cola and Pepsi's fault. It's really simple when you see it. There's a lot of soda pop. I drink soda-pop, you drink soda-pop. People are drinking soda pop all over the world. Gallons of it. And every time you drink soda pop it's releasing huge amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. What do you think carbonation is? Gasoline is just oil that's been refined. How much carbon dioxide is there in that? About none, that's how much. You ever see any little bubbles sparkling up in gasoline like the bubbles in a 7-Up? Nope. So, I think it should be illegal to make or drink any carbonated beverages. I mean, that's where the carbon dioxide is.
But don't millions of people die in the production of this "soda-pop" you speak of, Margie? I mean, don't we want people to die to reduce their "ecological foot-print" on the earth? Hmmm... I'm confused and require a prolier being to explain this to me.
I'm confused and require a prolier being to explain this to me.
No you don't. This is really easy. All you have to know Chairman is that the war against soda pop and it's usage will create a black market for illegal soda pop. That's where you come in. What we need is a War Against Soda Pop in order to save the Planet! ...along the lines of the war against drugs. It's a real Feel Good - Feel Good solution to the problem of pollution!
Yes! And then we can expand the beauracracies to fight this "scourge of soda-pop" that is taking our youngsters by storm! We can then fill the federal posts with our friends, relatives, appliances and pets and, and, and then divert the federal money into our personal coffers! BRILLIANT! Of course we would have to go after the suppliers and not the users... that way we can ensure that this perpetual war against "soda-pop" will last for centuries!
I knew you'd come around. Soda pop is a danger to the world. I'll bet the rising production and drinking of soda pop around the world can even be correlated with the results from global warming computer climate models. This is big. Really big. The large amounts of carbon released into the atmosphere correspond to the increasing worldwide production of softdrinks. Why, this is so big it might have to be written up as it's own column!
Yes, we must bring the truth to The People™ about Big Soda Pop™ and the dangers it has on the environment, The People™, The Children™, equality, the economy, The Appliances™ ect. We must launch numerous campaigns, think-tanks, Congressional hearings and then top it off with a media blitz on the gross profits that Big Soda Pop™ enjoyed during Hurricane of Racial Hatred Katrina™... I see outrage; I see pandemonium and unwashed pony-tailed activist lining the streets in D.C in Collective Moral Outrage™ over this corporate fiend and its horrendous profiteering!
REGULATE THE SODA INDUSTRY, NOW! PRO-ACTIVE SPORKS AND SPOONS!!!
Comrades! You are thinking too much into this. The solution is easy, albeit a complex one to implement. Think of this:
Was there global warming in 10000 BC?
No, everything was hunky dory. So all we need to do is revert civilization back to what it was in 10000BC. That includes world population. So we outlaw the drilling of all oil and natural gas. Viola! Problem solved. Without oil, there will be nothing for autos to run on, no plastic, no nothing made from oil. In turn, there will be no computers, no vehicles, no fancy houses, no streets, no clothes, no machines, etc. That will accomplish reverting us technologically back to the stone age. Now the population problem will take care of itself with all the riots and starvings and such.
The Party faithful will of course be given the appropriate cave space that is due their rank and shall be spared from the misery of the transition, for we will need to be around to keep some semblance of society after the dust settles.
Then we can all sit around in the dark at night (no fires...pollution) and rest easy knowing that we have done our parts to save the world.
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Comrade O'Brien........... ARE YOU MAD!?! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GO WITHOUT THREE LIMOS’ AND ALL THE MODERN PERKS OF AN APPARATCHIK!?!?!?
OK, deep breaths, Meow....inhale.....exhale... ahh, OK, I'm better now..
Errhhmmm... let us start from the beginning, which is a very good place to start if you ask me.
The goal of The Party is to establish Feudalism... OK, that is the goal... North Korea being the model we wish to work off of. OK, now then... Science will serve as our "religion"... OK, think of peasants in the medieval ages who couldn't read the Latin Bible... OK, and had to have the help of a clergyman to "read" for him/her/it... Following me yet? OK, good... so now then, we The Party Elite (or Feudal Lords) will prevail over the peasants (unwashed masses of People) while having Science to JUSTIFY (key word here) that we ARE RIGHT TO RULE by the DIVINITY OF NATURAL SELECTION which His Most Exalted Excellency, Charles Darwin, so decided. We will use our "science" (if that's what you want to call it ) to maintain control over the masses... how can they disagree with something when they 1.) know very little about it 2.) are taught that numbers triumph over all 3.) a man in a white coat and thick glasses tells them so... how can they disagree with that!? THE ANSWER, MY DEAREST O'BRIEN, IS THAT THEY CAN'T!
We are building a paradise and will get to keep our perks while doing so.... all because Charles Darwin, hallowed be thy name, overcame reason with deformed monkey bones! Thank the deformed monkey bones, O'Brien, thank them - they deserve it!
The Party faithful will of course be given the appropriate cave space that is due their rank and shall be spared from the misery of the transition, for we will need to be around to keep some semblance of society after the dust settles.
Then we can all sit around in the dark at night (no fires...pollution) and rest easy knowing that we have done our parts to save the world.
No way. That doesn't work for me. I like to eat at cafes and restaurants not in some darn cave gnawing on bones. I like to go on shopping safari to Europe and Singapore. I'm not doing any hunter gatherer stuff. If I'm going to rough it in primitive surroundings I stay at the Ritz-Carlton on Maui. You know what the night life is like on Maui? It's like non-existent.
What we need to do is get our priorities straight and go after Big Soda Pop. They're the biggest producers of carbon dioxide in the world. They're practicaly pumping the stuff into the air. We have to raise the consiousness of the world on this issue. Big Soda Pop is going to destroy the planet and kill us all. They're already drowning all those cute polar bears. Why, all that carbon dioxide is even affecting the poor polar bears minds. Until just very recently polar bears were one of the most proficent swimmers in the world but now that they've been breathing all that carbon dioxide emitted by Big Soda Pop they can't even remember how to swim!
Global warming has to stop!
Down with Big Soda Pop!
The Party is currently fabricating the needed computer generated models (with numbers!) to take down the scourge of Big Soda Pop™. Al Gore is currently on line-two and we have a few DNC Strategist coaching him on his presentation. As for me, well, I will be making my rounds at the U.N to pay-off a few "white-coats" (wink, wink...nudge,nudge) to go along with the data we came up with... which the Tides Foundation (Lenin bless them) spent a whole ten minutes fabricating... ugh, they work so hard... how do they do it!? HOW!?
Ok ok. No sitting in caves gnawing on bones. Got it.
So now we must fabricate the lies about how we The Party elite must unfortunately have the jets and limos and things that are shiny, not because we want them mind you, but because we are forced to have them for the common good. How else is glorious Chairman Punchenko supposed to get from place to place to dole out the Common Good , if not in a limo? How else am I supposed to root out dissidents if not zipping from point A to point B in my luxury jumbo jet? Those dissidents are quick! How else is Comrade Red supposed to hand down party approved doctrine if not from a twenty room mansion complete with harem? He must have a means of relaxation comrades. Remember it's a curse really that we will be forced to have all of these things, but it is a curse we will be bear, for we bear it for the children.
Better?
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
The Party is currently fabricating the needed computer generated models (with numbers!) to take down the scourge of Big Soda Pop™.
O'Brien wrote
So now we must fabricate the lies about how we The Party elite must unfortunately have the jets and limos and things...
Mister O'Brien sir, we don't deal in lies. This is one of the most deadly serious issues of our time. Coca Cola and Pepsi are getting away with murder.
What we need is a rock concert fund-raiser. There's nothing that convinces people about the seriousness of an issue like a rock concert fund-raiser.
Mister O'Brien sir, we don't deal in lies. This is one of the most deadly serious issues of our time. Coca Cola and Pepsi are getting away with murder.
Lies? Did I say lies? It must have been a typo. What I mean of course is relative truth. We must spread the relative truth to the masses, and of course a rock concert full of progressive minded individuals is the perfect venue! They could work themselves into a frothy orgy of anti CO2 blather!
I for one (...stuffs sacks of Mr. Pibb into trunk of limo..) am outraged at the negligence of these kapitalist corporations (*stuff* *stuff* Need more room!!) and they should all be held (..jumps on trunk to get it closed..) personally liable! (..throws cases of Pepsi into the back seat..) I call for a petition campaign so that we can sue (..throws cases of Jack Daniels on top of the Pepsi..) the bejeebus out of Big Soda!! (*slams door*)
I of course will be monitoring and organizing these events from my command center in my estate..er humble dacha.
(*peals out*)
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
I think France wins the big prize. They're going to implement an enlightened regimen of taxation and regulation in order to get everyone in line. One of Chirac's big plans is to tax countries that don't sign the Kyoto treaty a special "carbon tax" on any imported items they sell in France. What this means in practice is, they will force their fellow Frenchmen, perhaps the entire EU, to pay more for imports.
This will make the Americans pay for ignoring the Kyoto treaty. "Sign the papers or we'll shoot ourselves!" Let that be a lesson to you, imperialist swine!
France Tells U.S. To Sign Climate Pacts or Face Tax wrote
He [Jacques Chirac] said that he welcomed last week’s State of the Union address in which President Bush described climate change as a “serious challenge” and acknowledged that a growing number of American politicians now favor emissions cuts.
But he warned that if the United States did not sign the agreements, a carbon tax across Europe on imports from nations that have not signed the Kyoto treaty could be imposed to try to force compliance. The European Union is the largest export market for American goods.
Carbon Tax! Brilliant! Why did not we think of it?! Just goes to show you what men of courage the French are, taking on evil capitalist. -- Carbon Tax! I Love it!
Hmmm mayhap we should expand this idea of a 'carbon tax'. It sounds to me that we should tax producers of carbon, so we should tax people who own cars, people who use natural gas to heat their homes (or cook), people who have fireplaces, people who build campfires, people who drink soda, people who burp, people who fart, and breathing!!! Yes!! Breathing has got to be the number one producer of CO2 in the world! Comrades we must start a campaign to either get everyone to stop breathing in the name of the planet or to wear heavy bulky cumbersome filtration units similar to the ones we require coal burning power plants to use!
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Yes!! Breathing has got to be the number one producer of CO2 in the world!
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Actually... and please don't ask how I know this... the effects of oxygen breathing life forms putting out CO2 as a result of breathing is cancelled out somewhat by CO2 breathing life forms - there is a net decrease... However, because flatus is similar among all life forms whether they breathe O2 or CO2, there is a net increase because there is no cancelling effect... so... the carbon culprit your lookin' for is farts...
That said, the world's cow population produces monumental amounts of methane...
Breathing has got to be the number one producer of CO2 in the world! Comrades we must start a campaign to either get everyone to stop breathing in the name of the planet or to wear heavy bulky cumbersome filtration units similar to the ones we require coal burning power plants to use!
That's it! Mister O'Brien I think you've found the best way to eliminate carbon. Everyone should have to wear special filtration units.
I never thought of it before but all those billions of people around the planet all breathing out carbon dioxide has to be the biggest single contributor to atmospheric carbon dioxide. I wonder how many tons of carbon dioxide each person breathes out every year? And then there's Al Gore. He's one of those "heavy breathers" and should probably be considered an environmental risk to the Planet. I think everyone should have to go through testing every year or two, like cars in some areas are tested for exhaust pollution, to measure carbon breathing output.
Actually... and please don't ask how I know this... the effects of oxygen breathing life forms putting out CO2 as a result of breathing is cancelled out somewhat by CO2 breathing life forms - there is a net decrease... However, because flatus is similar among all life forms whether they breathe O2 or CO2, there is a net increase because there is no cancelling effect... so... the carbon culprit your lookin' for is farts...
That said, the world's cow population produces monumental amounts of methane...
Sounds like paid industry propaganda to me. Everyone knows that the Planet's forests are being clear cut down to nothing and global warming is creating deserts. There's hardly any plants left anymore. Thousands and thousands of acres of forest are being destroyed every year. Al Gore just recently said so.
Well... as you say Margaret, eliminating carbon would really go a long way to helping... oh... wait... life on earth is carbon-based... Crap, crap, crap (no... I'm not saying crap is the problem)... Oh well... back to the drawing board! <cue laugh track... and... APPLAUSE>...
Holy crap! I just remember an article I read about methane hydrates! In a nutshell these hydrates are basically frozen methane that are naturally formed in the earths oceans due to pressure and other scientific mucky muck. These hydrates break free from earthquakes or mud slides or some scientific blah blah and then proceed to 'melt' and release the methane into the atmosphere thus contributing to global warming! They must be stopped! I think we need to drain the world's oceans to prevent these hydrates from forming! For if they don't form they can't eventually 'evaporate' and pollute our atmosphere!
I'm sure our crack(pot) scientists can figure out a reason why these hydrates are caused by man's being on the planet.
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
OH MAH DARWIN! I saw the same thing about Methane Hydrates on the Discovery Channel yesterday! We must mobilize at once to drain this ocean "swamp of corruption" to prevent the senseless exploitation of Hydrates! NO BLOOD FOR HYDRATES, THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DRAIN THE OCEAN NOW, END GLOBAL WARMING! BLAME GEORGE BUSH! BLAME GEORGE BUSH! <passes out>
NO BLOOD FOR HYDRATES, THE WORLD IS WATCHING! DRAIN THE OCEAN NOW, END GLOBAL WARMING!
Yes!!! But don't forget that the release of frozen methane is triggered by volcanic eruptions. We must force all world government (by taxing them) to put a cap on those volcanos.
STOP ALL VOLCANIC ACTIVITY NOW!
HEAT SKOOLS, NOT AMOSPHERE!
END THE CULTURE OF ERUPTION!
More solutions to the Imminent Global Warming Doomsday Catastrophic Event Just Around The Corner (IGWDCEJATC)! This one is kind of killing two birds with one stone kind of thing. The answer:
BEETS!
Yes Comrades, Beets! Consuming beets manufactures inordinate amounts of gas that is eventually expelled into the atmosphere by flagellating proles! We must end the beet ration now! Plus this also helps our vegetable brothers and sisters end the inhumane exploitation perpetrated upon them by the evil beings who think they are higher on the 'food chain' whatever that is. I visualize more of a food sphere where all are equal and nothing is higher than anything else!
No Vegetable Exploitation = No Global Warming!
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
O'Brien.... you're brilliant....absolutely brilliant. The puzzle pieces all make sense now, it’s the beets.... THE BEETS! WHY DIDN'T WE KNOW!?!? For the record... I want my Crapping For Climate Change® event to take place BEFORE we start regulating flatulence, carbon, carbon caused flatulence, beets ect. ect.
Comrades - I'm currently reaching the $ 2.5 Million mark and need another $2 Million in order to buy my new private jet and Barbados Plantation…err I mean village, my Barbados village....which I need or else I die. Do you want me to die? Well, do you? No, I didn't think so and that is why I need you to hold out a little while longer before closing the pooping for climate whatever loop-hole.
More solutions to the Imminent Global Warming Doomsday Catastrophic Event Just Around The Corner (IGWDCEJATC)! This one is kind of killing two birds with one stone kind of thing. The answer:
BEETS!
Yes Comrades, Beets! Consuming beets manufactures inordinate amounts of gas that is eventually expelled into the atmosphere by flagellating proles! We must end the beet ration now! No Vegetable Exploitation = No Global Warming!
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Wait!... why are the proles whipping themselves? Isn't that a part of some weird Dan Brown thought-crime art-crime novel against the State? OMG! The CO2 and beet hydrate levels in the atmosphere must clearly be starting to reach apoplectic proportions much sooner than even Algore predicted, leading the Proles to beat themselves in confusion... Run.... RUN!!!.... IT'S THE END!!!
Oh... wait... flatulating... sorry... never mind... sorry for the undue panic and hysteria...
Ow... hey... HEY! Something wet just fell on me.... Some-thing wet just fell and HIT me... THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLI..... <hisssss>.
Ow... hey... HEY! Something wet just fell on me.... Some-thing wet just fell and HIT me... THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLI..... <hisssss.... transmission ends... >.
Comrade Sister Massively Opiated: Commissar of Housekeeping, defender of the progressive faith, blah blah she will be missed blah blah.... I GOT DIBS ON HER STEREO! I CALLED IT!
We must be careful, comrades... the sky here could just fall for no reason and kill us all if we are not careful. Marshal Pravda, I think it is time that a formal declaration of peaceful protest be declared against the towering menace known as the "sky".
Ugh... I'm sick... <sneeze><cough><cough> Ugh.... I found this little gem on Macy's website to keep you warm this Ice-Age, SMO... It's for men but I'm sure you could make use of it (the comment below is pretty funny).
Ugh... I'm sick... <sneeze><cough><cough> Ugh.... I found this little gem on Macy's website to keep you warm this Ice-Age, SMO... It's for men but I'm sure you could make use of it (the comment below is pretty funny).
http://www1.macys.com/catalog/product/index.ognc?ID=194788&CategoryID=26000
Meowski,
Is very nice - they have same at my local Mountain Equipment Co-op, but comes with cute Soviet style man-candy and no exploding anti-shoplifting device... Happy Valentines Day!!!
I am sorry you are feeling below the weather. Please gargle with several drops of Tea Tree oil in warm water... I will have Chicken Sushi prepare hot bath with eucalyptus oil to clear your respiratory system, and get your favourite brandy snifter while she is warming your towels. We have three days until Dr. P. needs you to continue on with him for your war chest drive... you know how hard it is to pick someone's pock.. I mean pry those wallets from the hands of the masses when there's only one of you and no one to distract the mar.. the future voters... We must have you healthy and free of the shakes.
Also, I believe Dr. P. has arranged for the two of you to meet some local business leaders in da club, sippin on some Bud, after your Friday meetings... Just one moment... He left you a message while you were out... ummm... ahhh... here it is... "Daddy, I got what you need, you a sexy little thug - We gon party like its your birthday... Dr. P."
...ahem... 'kay... well... your bath is ready dear Chairman...
oh.. and your Jimmy Chu kicks are beside your door.. I fixed the heel... please stay off escalators in them...
Sweet dreams
SMO
Looks like we got our Red The Progressive Hedgehog, Kommissar of Wildlife and Robotics. I didn't know he was moonlighting for Macy's. One might almost conclude that the ration coupons we so generously give him are not enough to support this comrade's lifestyle.
Whether you're scaling a mountain - or just the Party and state hierarchy, this warm-up jacket will keep you cozy and stylin' - you never know when they'll come for you at 3 in the morning to shove you in a box car on the way to Siberia, so better keep this North Face apparel under your bed at all times. Comes with a shovel.
Oh... wait... flatulating... sorry... never mind... sorry for the undue panic and hysteria...
Yes yes. Flatulating not flagellating. I have had an inordinate amount of typos lately, I wonder wh.....GLOBAL WARMING!! Global Warming is the main cause of typos in the world. Oh when oh when will the evil kaptalist pig dog scum realize that they are not only destroying our planet, but our minds as well! We must get our crack(pot) scientists on this immediately! Alert Al Gore and his cronies! I feel "An Inconvenient Truth Part 2: The Flatulence Equation" coming on!
And your blizzard SMO, we experienced a similar snow storm here in the Peoples State of Illinois, it's because of global warming! Yes! Global warming is causing sub zero temperatures and snow and ice and all things cold! I have proof! See it's all hot and stuff around the equator right, getting hotter and hotter and hotter cause of global warming. So as we all know hot air rises right? Where where does the air come from to replace the air that is rising? From north of the equator (or south)! It sucks all the cold air from the poles to replace all the warm air that is rising and thus making everything cold and snowy and blizzardy and stuff! Damn you global warming for cooling everything off! *shakes fist at random objects*
(*NOTE* I cannot take credit for making this up, I actually read that very theory in an article somewhere that I can't remember who wrote it or where I read it, but it just made me gape and shake my head)
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Looks like we got our Red The Progressive Hedgehog, Kommissar of Wildlife and Robotics. I didn't know he was moonlighting for Macy's. One might almost conclude that the ration coupons we so generously give him are not enough to support this comrade's lifestyle.
Hey! I will have you know that it is true that the ration coupons are not supporting me anymore. The more that I climb up the party, the more I realize that I need more. The condo, sports car, and endless supply of rationing coupons are not enough anymore. I need to relax more when I go home (bossing robots around and hunting furs for The Common Good really takes it out of me.) I had to go to Macy's to earn more $money$ to support what I modestly need (btw Kommissar SMO, since you are the Kommissar of house cleaning, could you send a kleaning komrade over to take care of my condo, its a disater), but I am not going over to the kapitalist side of the force. As you can see, I am using this opprotunity to spread the party's doctrine.
it is true that the ration coupons are not supporting me anymore.
Good. We feel the need to discontinue the redistribution of beets because they cause flatulence which results in Global Warming. All Party members are directed to switch to either sustenance farming or highway robbery and extortion - whichever better suits your needs.
Please contact our Robbery and Extortion Coordinator (Chairman Punchenko) for details. We currently don't have a Sustenance Farming Coordinator for lack of requests.
....selling Alar apples amd Globalized heat
and de Villepan's collection of Frog legs and feet
France proposes carbon import tax
The EU should impose an additional tax on goods imported from countries that fail to join a post-2012 climate agreement, according to French prime minister Dominique de Villepin.
De Villepin said a ‘carbon tax’ on imports of industrial goods is necessary to avoid environmental ‘dumping’, where carbon-intensive products are manufactured in countries that have no targets to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
Cremation of human corpses has been outlawed by the WFSU.
The Soylent Green / Stranger in a Strange Land solution law has passed the Parliamentary Soviet Congress of Planetary Suffrage in the burning of carbon units of any kind. With this development and the successful passage of non-volcanic eruption and non-oceanic evaporation law that had come into earlier effect, the Global Warming Solution has been Solved for all eternity.
April 22nd will now be a World Holiday now known as Ira Einhorn Day
Josef H. Stalin! When will the Plantation House learn that Fwance calls the shots in the International Commune - when will they learn!? Lenin forbid if we piss Fwance off... they might stop shipping frog legs and snails to my Dacha!!! I cannot entertain without frog legs and snails! TRA-VES-TY!
SMO - Dr. P and I will be attending New York Fashion Week soon, we plan to shake down the whole Progressive Elite Community while viewing the nations top rag makers. We also plan on unionizing the models there... that is after we get them drunk and, uhhh, well you know.
OK, I want to give a tip on how to effectively conduct a successful highway robbery:
1.) Find unwashed womyn student activist, a broken down VW Bus (painted in trippy colors) and dress them in something *cute* (ask Margie about what works)
2.) Have broken down VW Bus on the side of a major highway (outside a college campus and near an Applebee's) and wait for unsuspecting "do-gooder" or "horny male chauvinist pig" to stop for assistance.
3.) have unwashed womyn student activist flirt for exactly two minutes before pulling out AK-47's to execute a " Progressive Moral Action" (robbery).
4.) Collect watches, wallets, expensive shoes, jewelry of any nature and purses (that is if a class-exploiter woman is present) and anything else of considerable value.
5.) Call the police and have "do-gooder", "good Samaritan", ect. ect. taken away for "sexual harassment" and "aggravated assault" and "armed robbery"
NOTE: It is imperative that you get the finger-prints of the victim onto the AK-47's before calling the hatemongering police!
6.) Wait exactly ten minutes and repeat.
Congratulations... you have completed a successful highway robbery for the Common Good™ and have effectively condemned a capitalist knuckle-dragging exploiter to possibly 20 years in a Federal prison! Go ahead, pat yourself on the back - YOU deserve it!
On Ira Einhorn Day, all Collectivist Youth will be required to wear a super-glued unicorn horn on their foreheads in celebration of this brave, courageous and noble man/womyn/it and his/her/its contribution to Ecological Freedom Fighting!
Cremation of human corpses has been outlawed by the WFSU.
The Soylent Green / Stranger in a Strange Land solution law has passed the Parliamentary Soviet Congress of Planetary Suffrage in the burning of carbon units of any kind. With this development and the successful passage of non-volcanic eruption and non-oceanic evaporation law that had come into earlier effect, the Global Warming Solution has been Solved for all eternity.
April 22nd will now be a World Holiday now known as Ira Einhorn Day
Quite right! We must revile the evil thought-criminal Robert Heinlein. His perverse musings have led millions of young mouldable minds to such backward and destructive concepts as TANSTAAFL (there ain't no such thing as a free lunch - one of his favourite aphorisms, which clearly puts him at odds with the Party and the People), and the idea that voluntary militarism is an appropriate response and a duty when your civilization is threatened, as outlined in his hate pamphlet, Starship Troopers (it was eventually sanitized into a perfectly harmless movie by our brothers and sisters in Hollywood, but the book remains a threat to future generations).
I propose we begin our celebration of this monumental new global holiday by killing someone we love and stuffing them in a trunk in the closet (thereby removing one more person who might breathe or fart), and then eating as many copies of Heinlein's books as possible. Alternately, we could eat the person we killed as a sort of final ironic Grokish flip-off to the thought-criminal Heinlein, and so we don't go hungry... the books can be for dessert... or we could stuff our clothes with them to stay warm when global warming covers our world with ice...
Looks like we got our Red The Progressive Hedgehog, Kommissar of Wildlife and Robotics. I didn't know he was moonlighting for Macy's. One might almost conclude that the ration coupons we so generously give him are not enough to support this comrade's lifestyle.
The CCCP track jacket is a staple of my campus wardrobe - I'm rarely seen without one. I happen to own three of the brand that RedProgHog is so adeptly modeling here.
Thank Allah they're not trees. They suck up Co2 and turn it into oxygen so more people (and infidels...that there are left) can breath.
Wait....I'm confused, if we quit burning and eating people, the trees will die....and what about cow flatulence?
OMG!
Hmmm... I see we have more problems then anticipated. Well then, progressive means always yields a morally acceptable solution!
First we pre-select those useful-idiots who will be needed to keep the trees alive. We then chain these useful-idiots to the trees in order for the tree to have "people powered life-support™". All other useful-idiots who are in questionable health will be used for food (except the elderly, we need them in order to use Social Security scare tactics to garner more votes). There you go... that problem is solved. As for the cows, we could always do what O'Brien suggested and fit them with special "filtering-suits" which will turn the CO2 into a nice patchouli incense smell (thus overpowering the smell of burning pot once we legalize it). These suits will be expensive and will require ridiculous amounts of tax-dollars - ridiculous, maybe, but ridiculous is just another word for necessity!
Hmmm.... burning people will have to be outlawed which isn't a problem, we still have the mass-grave technique which IS more Earth friendly and would fertilize the soil so that The People™ can grow potatoes.
Dr. P and I will be attending New York Fashion Week soon, we plan to shake down the whole Progressive Elite Community while viewing the nations top rag makers. We also plan on unionizing the models there... that is after we get them drunk and, uhhh, well you know.
...and work on their essay skills, of course - to help them work up a solid thesis and bring the point to its successful conclusion. <get your minds out of the gutter>
I just love New York Fashion Week. Kid in a candy store... And if we can't convince the six-foot-something, size zero, coke-snorting, bulimic/anorexic, haute-couture-wearing glitterati to unionize, then no one can, baby.
BTW, Punchy, ole pal, which Hollywood tool is loaning us his/her jet for this year's festivities?
And your blizzard SMO, we experienced a similar snow storm here in the Peoples State of Illinois, it's because of global warming! Yes! Global warming is causing sub zero temperatures and snow and ice and all things cold! I have proof! See it's all hot and stuff around the equator right, getting hotter and hotter and hotter cause of global warming. So as we all know hot air rises right? Where where does the air come from to replace the air that is rising? From north of the equator (or south)! It sucks all the cold air from the poles to replace all the warm air that is rising and thus making everything cold and snowy and blizzardy and stuff! Damn you global warming for cooling everything off! *shakes fist at random objects*
(*NOTE* I cannot take credit for making this up, I actually read that very theory in an article somewhere that I can't remember who wrote it or where I read it, but it just made me gape and shake my head)
O'Brien
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
Comrade O'Brien,
Is quite pathetic storm as Kanadski storms go, and nothing compared to our neighbours in Oswego, NY... is only going to be maybe 18 inches by the end in my area.. and isn't wet snow... is no good for making snowmen or projectiles or forts. Eastern part of country is much worse - I think about 28 " (70 cm) very quickly. I believe the mechanism you are referring to is called Global Convection, and it is, in fact, responsible for the arctic air mass coming over Toronto that has been causing such bad wind chill factors in Ontario for the past two weeks. Tonight wind will be 60 km/h - is about 36 mph only, but b/c is cold, will feel about -35C. Global Convection is science - same mechanism responsible for helicopter which hovers too long in still air mass, getting sucked downward and dropping from sky... low pressure creates vacuum... in Kanadistan, no one can hear you scream... because we all have scarves wrapped very tightly around our heads... So... theory might sound funny, but doesn't mean it is... besides - is first real snow storm for Toronto this winter... is two months late, and next week, temperature will go up to 10C... that is 50F, and a bit warm for winter in Kanadistan...
Okay... time to go feed migrating polar bears before they get into Chairman's Hot Pockets and Schnappes...
Hasta Luego
SMO
Instead of burning corpses we must utilize them for the Greater Good through meals on wheels program, feeding the homeless and their pets. Those whose decomposition level makes them unsuitable for the consumption by the homeless and their pets, can be turned into pulp for growing tomatoes.
A model for such moral and balanced lifestyle has been provided for us in the politically correct movie "Waterworld" by People's Artist Kevin Kostin. The very premise of the movie is the aftermath of Global Warming and rising oceans, so in order to prevent that from happening and to protect Chairman Punchenko's waterfront property we need to start adopting that lifestyle without delay. The militaristic smokers and gas-guzzlers (Republican voters) on the one side, the progressive community growing tomatoes from the pulp made of dead bodies (Democrat voters) on the other side.
Everybody must stop using environmentally harmful soap and start wearing fishnets, tattoos, body piercings, and funny haircuts while living in close communes and sharing the scarce resources that the sea washes out on the shore. Since no industries will be allowed nobody will have to work. Yay! Imagine how many votes this plan will bring us.
AHHH... Does this mean The Chairman and Dr. P will be needing your Highwaymen outfits cleaned? Dr. P! You are very difficult to find "hosiery" for, given your height... and will have to be digging for black powder and musket balls... damn! Why can't you give a dolphin a little more notice!!!
Please let me know what type of plumage is for going on funny Britisher hats. May I also suggest plain black masks this time, as you look silly in Mardi Gras fifi things and no models on catwalk will 'show you their tits' in return for beads, during fashion week... I promise...
SMO
ps... am not renting you horses this time out!... PETA is still sending hate mail.. is good for kindling, but sometimes detonates too soon...
BTW, Punchy, ole pal, which Hollywood tool is loaning us his/her jet for this year's festivities?
I think Harvey decided to bite the bullet this year. His jet is most accommodating and will be big enough to fit all the models, $oft-ca$h, luggage, crates of Propaganda, limousines and all the other essentials needed to make us look extremely important and influential. I would petition the Madame Speaker to loan us her luxury liner for the week - but she has some "business" with some corporate fat-cats.
Tis a shame really, I was looking forward to getting drunk with Barney the Dinosaur and Babs.
*Clink*
-- Meowsevich
P.S SMO - Make sure my ruffle pirate shirt is dry-cleaned, I wish to impress Calvin and Tommy this year (I know those bastards will seat Dr. P and I next to them AGAIN - they always do!) Oh, pick up my tiger print Ushanka too, you know, the one with the ivory elephant tusk sticking out.
AHHH... Does this mean The Chairman and Dr. P will be needing your Highwaymen outfits cleaned? Dr. P! You are very difficult to find "hosiery" for, given your height... and will have to be digging for black powder and musket balls... damn! Why can't you give a dolphin a little more notice!!!
Sorry, SMO, but redistribution duty calls. Yes, we'll be needing our "dandy" highwaymen outfits pressed to perfection so that we can look "flash" and grab our quarry's attention! <The devil take your stereo and your record collection> Err, pardon that last bit.
In addition to powder and ball, we'll also require some new flints -- you remember how the Chairman's pistol misfired on our last outing and we almost made damned fools of ourselves. Blasted cheap N. Korean flints!
Sister Massively Opiated wrote
Please let me know what type of plumage is for going on funny Britisher hats. May I also suggest plain black masks this time, as you look silly in Mardi Gras fifi things and no models on catwalk will 'show you their tits' in return for beads, during fashion week... I promise...
SMO!!!
ps... am not renting you horses this time out!... PETA is still sending hate mail.. is good for kindling, but sometimes detonates too soon...
As for the plumage, it's got to be ostrich feather, and, I agree with your suggestion of going with "plain black masks". I guess the foppish chartreuse and gold disguise that I wore last time didn't quite inspire the requisite dread in our kulak prey. Yeah, so they laughed at me...
Oh, and, I didn't realize that the emaciated models of our age had 'tits'.
That whole pistol misfiring was particularly embarrassing, that is until the projectile hit Commissar Roscoe in the face (which made it most amusing). Of course he suffered in agonizing pain and had to wear metal nose piece for the rest of his days, or should I say until he was shipped out to Siberia for the whole Taurus incident... yes, I believe the ACLU collected him around two in the morning and had to pull him out of a soaking wet bed (he was bed-wetter, I'm told). Which is a shame no doubt, I heard horror stories of how a bed-wetter doesn't last in Siberia, you know, with it being below zero and all... yes, I hear some have to be thawed out of their own urine before given a speedy trial.
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ANYONE WHO DARES TO CHAUFFER PARTY OFFICIALS IN A FORD TAURUS! UNACCEPTABLE… ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE!
P.S SMO - Make sure my ruffle pirate shirt is dry-cleaned, I wish to impress Calvin and Tommy this year (I know those bastards will seat Dr. P and I next to them AGAIN - they always do!) Oh, pick up my tiger print Ushanka too, you know, the one with the ivory elephant tusk sticking out.
Done and done... if you have the valet hang it on the back of the bathroom door as soon as you arrive, when you shower, the ruffles will pouffe out munificently. I promise you will be the Belle of the Ball... Please just be careful with the ivory on your chapeau... Linda Evangelista has still not forgiven you for scratching her cornea and I don't want you getting into it with Naomi again this year... I swear, if that bitch hits you with a telephone again, I'll... well... never mind that... no use giving her warning, but being friends with Mandella won't help her...
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote
Sorry, SMO, but redistribution duty calls. Yes, we'll be needing our "dandy" highwaymen outfits pressed to perfection so that we can look "flash" and grab our quarry's attention! <The devil take your stereo and your record collection> Err, pardon that last bit.
Dr. P... you will find an Adam Ant compilation disk in your carry on... please do not work yourself up too soon...
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote
In addition to powder and ball, we'll also require some new flints -- you remember how the Chairman's pistol misfired on our last outing and we almost made damned fools of ourselves. Blasted cheap N. Korean flints!
I have changed suppliers - we are now using the same one as the Society for Anachronistic Thought-Crimes... they also have wonderful chain mail and armour, if you and the Chairman find yourself jousting... <perish the thought>...
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote
As for the plumage, it's got to be ostrich feather and I agree with your suggestion of going with "plain black masks". I guess the foppish chartreuse and gold disguise that I wore last time didn't quite inspire the requisite dread in our kulak prey.
Oh, and, I didn't realize that the emaciated models of our age had 'tits'.
They don't... which is really the problem... of course, if you tossed 'eight-balls' at them, they'd show you anything, but that gets a bit expensive and Anna Wintour will only try to sneak up to steal them before the "stick figures with pouffy lips" can bend down to retrieve them...
That whole pistol misfiring was particularly embarrassing, that is until the projectile hit Commissar Roscoe in the face (which made it most amusing)
Poor Meow,
It was no less than that syphilitic libertine deserved... should it ever happen again, please just pistol whip whoever it is to death... I promise I'll get the stains out.
mwah (air kiss to the left)... mwah (air kiss to the right),
SMO
Dr. P and I have already arrived at the conclusion that Donnatella deserves a potatoe (yes, spelled with the "toe" because MSWord spell-check said so) in her limo exhaust pipe. That bitch had the audacity to bribe the editors to pass up *our* photo spread of "prole chic" on the cover of PQ Magazine for Kim Jong Il wearing his decadent gutter filth! UNACCEPTABLE! I'M SICK OF HIM GETTING ALL OF THE ATTENTION!
You're more than welcomed to come with us, Margie. I know how you like to hob-nob with the super rich and famous. If you come I will buy you a very cheap second-hand Hello-Kitty sketch book so you can draw all the latest rag styles. Your Uncle Ka-Ching told me how much you like to be around the well-to-do coked up people of alternative life-styles and how much you enjoy hitting up the night scene with this years "it girl" (although I think Paris Hilton is still in the headlines, or on the cover of some raunchy tabloid). Just be sure to let us know so we can give you a private room on the jet so that we can keep you away from the scantily-clad models in the orgy room (I wouldn't want you to become corrupted on account of Dr. P and I - that is until you are fully programmed by the media to become a coke whore... and when I say coke you know I mean fairy dust and not the dreaded soda-pop which is destroying the youth).
I know how you like to hob-nob with the super rich and famous. If you come I will buy you a very cheap second-hand Hello-Kitty sketch book so you can draw all the latest rag styles. Your Uncle Ka-Ching told me how much you like to be around the well-to-do coked up people of alternative life-styles and how much you enjoy hitting up the night scene with this years "it girl" (although I think Paris Hilton is still in the headlines, or on the cover of some raunchy tabloid). Just be sure to let us know so we can give you a private room on the jet so that we can keep you away from the scantily-clad models in the orgy room (I wouldn't want you to become corrupted on account of Dr. P and I - that is until you are fully programmed by the media to become a coke whore... and when I say coke you know I mean fairy dust and not the dreaded soda-pop which is destroying the youth).
Not hardly, Chairman. That's not my crowd at all. And I'll thank you to not be so patronizing. Hello Kitty and Japanese anime isn't my style, my style is more "retro cool."
Comrade! Is that CO2 bubbling up out of that pool?
Very perceptive. The modern version of Hell. Suffer for thy sins, corporate fascist sinner, and be cast into the fires of damnation and Global Warming. The modern Hell has pools of bubbling CO2 to help keep the place hot. But, a nice lady like me can always get a cool drink. Get it?
That whole pistol misfiring was particularly embarrassing, that is until the projectile hit Commissar Roscoe in the face (which made it most amusing). Of course he suffered in agonizing pain and had to wear metal nose piece for the rest of his days, or should I say until he was shipped out to Siberia for the whole Taurus incident...
Yes, I must admit that Roscoe's brief stint in the Tyco Brahe lookalike club provided enough levity to get us through 1000 misfires.
SMO: People's Arbiter Elegantiae wrote
Dr. P... you will find an Adam Ant compilation disk in your carry on... please do not work yourself up too soon...
You never miss a detail, SMO. And, of course, your taste is impeccable. I believe your distinguished service merits you an additional title! Will you be The Party's Petronius, our arbiter of elegance?
Oh, and, by the way, my code name is "Jolly Roger" and the Chairman's is "Goody Two Shoes." Just kidding, Chairman, you can be "Stuart Goddard".
Dr. P... you will find an Adam Ant compilation disk in your carry on... please do not work yourself up too soon...
You never miss a detail, SMO. And, of course, your taste is impeccable. I believe your distinguished service merits you an additional title! Will you be The Party's Petronius, our arbiter of elegance?
Oh, and, by the way, my code name is "Jolly Roger" and the Chairman's is "Goody Two Shoes." Just kidding, Chairman, you can be "Stuart Goddard".
Great Uncle Nikita's Shoe!
Arbiter Elegantiae... well... certainly, as long as it's not considered a thought-crime, but I must say, invoking the author of the Satyricon gives me chills... I was once made to sit through Fellini's Satyricon in its entirety by an insane film theory professor... Fellini never sat through Fellini's Satyricon in its entirety!!!
Hmmm... wait a minute... perhaps Dr. P has become muse to SMO's art... a new torture perhaps??... It is inspired! First we make them sit through an Eric Rohmer film... and then through Satyricon... and then through another Eric Rohmer film, by which time they will beg to give us their overseas account numbers and access codes... hell... they'll beg for the privilege of typing them in themselves before the coup de gras...
They call her Sister, Sister, faster than lightning,
no-one you see, is smarter than she,
and we know Sister, lives in a world full of wonder,
flying there-under, Arbiter Elegantiae!
Great Uncle Nikita's Shoe!
Arbiter Elegantiae... well... certainly, as long as it's not considered a thought-crime, but I must say, invoking the author of the Satyricon gives me chills... I was once made to sit through Fellini's Satyricon in its entirety by an insane film theory professor... Fellini never sat through Fellini's Satyricon in its entirety!!!
Hmmm... wait a minute... perhaps Dr. P has become muse to SMO's art... a new torture perhaps??... It is inspired! First we make them sit through an Eric Rohmer film... and then through Satyricon... and then through another Eric Rohmer film, by which time they will beg to give us their overseas account numbers and access codes... hell... they'll beg for the privilege of typing them in themselves before the coup de gras...
SMOAE: Of course it's not a thoughtcrime: it's the will of The Party.
Regarding Petronius' Satyricon, you've got love "Dinner with Trimalchio". The story's main antagonist, Trimalchio, is a boorish parvenu - the perfect personification of a proto-capitalist - guilty of every appalling inelegance and excess known to humankind. If someone could have used a subscription to Ditch Living and Collective Gardening®, it would have been him.
So he held a lavish party at his house and invited the hungry poor to attend. Big whoop - he didn't do it for The Common Good™ - he did it to make himself look beneficent - disgusting pig! In fact, he patronized the proles with his ostentatious display. This was not altruism, this was the false charity of capitalism, which always has self-interest at its heart.
When the Chairman and I throw a wild bash abounding with delicacies and sumptuous sundries, we don't invite the proples. No, we care about their welfare and self-esteem so much that we would never dare to condescend to them. We are all altruists!
SMOAE: Of course it's not a thoughtcrime: it's the will of The Party.
Regarding Petronius' Satyricon, you've got love "Dinner with Trimalchio". The story's main antagonist, Trimalchio, is a boorish parvenu - the perfect personification of a proto-capitalist - guilty of every appalling inelegance and excess known to humankind. If someone could have used a subscription to Ditch Living and Collective Gardening®, it would have been him.
So he held a lavish party at his house and invited the hungry poor to attend. Big whoop - he didn't do it for The Common Good™ - he did it to make himself look beneficent - disgusting pig! In fact, he patronized the proles with his ostentatious display. This was not altruism, this was the false charity of capitalism, which always has self-interest at its heart.
When the Chairman and I throw a wild bash abounding with delicacies and sumptuous sundries, we don't invite the proples. No, we care about their welfare and self-esteem so much that we would never dare to condescend to them. We are all altruists!
Dr. P.
Great Uncle Nikita's Shoe indeed... there will always be pseudo-socialists who play the populist card, not to mention boors (poor Uncle Nikita... never quite got over the whole country bumpkin thing)... Reminds me of Juan and Eva.. a couple so-called "Justicialistas" playing to the proles under the guise of caring... Earth-mother Evita <snort>... and in the end, just a couple more Mussolini-loving facists groupies who kept company with Nazi's and admired their style...
You and the Chairman would never stoop to such vulgarism, surely! To lift people out of their ditches for even a second risks that they will see over the edge, and the precipitous drop back into reality from such heady heights of bourgeoise opulance will certainly crush their spirits, and hinder the cause. Such "altruism" would only be cruelty. They have no idea how good they have it and they have the true Altruism of Dr. P and Chairman Meow to thank for their happiness.
You are true heroes of the People, though I must be honest and say that neither of you are poets of Laika's stature...
I've been doing some thinking lately. Yes, I've been thinking about our little transportation problem. "Why," I've been asking myself, "should the Chairman and I have to hitch a flight on some Hollywood bore's jet?" We shouldn't. We deserve our own wings, dammit! We've earned them.
Hey, Progressive Hedgehog. Based on your avatar, you must have connections with Aeroflot. You know, they're phasing out the Tupolev Tu-154-B, the pride of Soviet civil aviation. See if you can get us a deal on one those celestial beauties.
I can see it now. We'll rip out the seats and install a swingin' cocktail bar as the centerpiece. How does "Svetlana's Skyway Lounge" sound? Sure is music to my ears. We can even put in a small stage where Laika can recite his poetry as SMOAE looks on adoringly with hammers-and-sickles in eyes.
The whole interior will done in communist chic: Warhol "Mao", Patty Hearst photos, etc., etc.
Of course, my vision would not be complete without a few private love nests, where senior Party officials can retire with their whoredeurves.
Even Margaret should be pleased -- it's so retro-cool, is it not?
All the radical jetsetters will be clamoring to fly the Red Skies!
To lift people out of their ditches for even a second risks that they will see over the edge, and the precipitous drop back into reality from such heady heights of bourgeoise opulance will certainly crush their spirits, and hinder the cause.
This reminds me of a cute little tale I heard in my junior years back in the Motherland:
A baby belly-worm and his mother stick their heads out of a sleeping guy's asshole and look around.
"What is that huge blue thing above our heads, Mother?" the little belly-worm asks.
"It's the sky, dear," she answers.
"And what is that huge green thing below?"
"It's a grassy lawn, honey."
"It's so beautiful, Mother. Why can't we go and live there instead of this stinky asshole?"
"Because, my dear son, this asshole is our Motherland, and we must always love it and be forever grateful and faithful to it."
Hey, Progressive Hedgehog. Based on your avatar, you must have connections with Aeroflot. You know, they're phasing out the Tupolev Tu-154-B, the pride of Soviet civil aviation. See if you can get us a deal on one those celestial beauties.
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest, Please forgive me for taking so long. I went to a man that I knew in the institution, and he had the nerve to suggest that you and the Chairman actually pay for the plane! After I sent him off to Siberia for thought crimes, I was able to get you and the Chairman one, with tax money that was taxed to Kapitalist, and redistributed for both of your needs. The plane will be at your local airport, enjoy!
oooOoooh... Hedgehog is good! I will soon be needing some parts for the Sikorsky S-70A's... can use some UH-60L Black Hawk parts but my contact in Australian Army is... on long vacation... and is difficult to get into Kanadistan from Amerikkka right now as border is not as... porous as usual... can we work something out? I have friends in BC with very special farm!
Dr. W. S. Palimpsest, Please forgive me for taking so long. I went to a man that I knew in the institution, and he had the nerve to suggest that you and the Chairman actually pay for the plane! After I sent him off to Siberia for thought crimes, I was able to get you and the Chairman one, with tax money that was taxed to Kapitalist, and redistributed for both of your needs. The plane will be at your local airport, enjoy!
Kommissar Hedgehog: Excellent work, kid! And, hey, I like your style.
Good morning comrades and welcome aboard Air RedSkies flight "Revolution", this is your captain general speaking,
That is a brilliant idea Premier Betty! Although we have a problem, where should the next attack be? I am personally tied between both the Kapitalist Tower (Sears) or the Statue of Liberty (the symbol of evil!).
No, we need the Statue of Liberty to stay because it is both a gift from the ever superior French, and to destroy it might bring their military wrath down upon us. For that reason, and because it is also the ACLU's mascot. we don't want to bother them with trying to find another one. They already have enough to deal with, what with their activist lawsuits, and undermining and corrupting of the constitution. I believe the Sears tower would be a perfect location for the next terrorist, I mean, peaceful demonstration of disapproval.
Yes, good idea Premier Betty, that way more infedels will die. Layers, Businessmen, Bankers..... Oh! So exciting! This will be an awsome att- I mean "Peaceful Protest".
I think though, that we should paint it red. As it stands right now, it is the ACLU's mascot, but it is also preverted by Kapitailist. They use it as thier symbol of what they say is freedom (which anyone that got an re-edukation should know that is not true.) Thus, painting it red (like on the gay revonultionary guard did in thier music video), will throw away its old symbol and become a internationally accepted mascot for the slendid ACLU.
A transgendered Statue of Socialism is what we need - not the bloated bigoted relics of the past (which the Statue of Liberty clearly is). Of course the Statue of Socialism will stand eighty stories tall, will be constructed by the finest in unionized labor, made in shoddy materials, and of course..... it will resemble Phil Donahue (complete with black rim glasses and cheesy grin). Out Statue of Socialism will hold a glow-in-the-dark dildo which will serve as the beacon of progressive hope to the unwashed masses of the third-world!
The People's interpretation of Emma Lazarus' "New Colossus" which will be dedicated to the Phil Donahue Statue of Socialism...
"Give me your ignorant, lazy, deadbeat losers. Your unwashed masses yearning to rape the system. Send these, the victims, the temptress' tot to me. I lift my glowing dildo beside the golden door of entitlement programs!"
You'd better believe it, SMO. Our Gwyneths will be Union gals, through and through, handpicked from the best that UFO (Union of Flight Occupationists) has to offer.
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
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Obama commits more troops to War on Fox News, still awaiting Afghan troop surge
Pass Rush: NFL okays Fidel Castro's bid to buy Miami Dolphins
Study: the road to hell paved with Nobel Peace Prizes
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize. Wishing all our readers a Happy April First!
Roman Polanski named new School Safety Czar in wake of Jennings scandal
Charles Manson: 'Leave Polanski alone, hasn't he suffered enough?'
Obama loses Olympic bid, will try for Special Olympics next
Carter: if the IOC doesn't give the Olympics to Chicago, they're racists
Saudis: the word 'assassina- tion' will never be the same
Al Qaeda: 'We shove bombs up our butts'
Richard Gere denies Al Qaeda membership
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
Study: 90% of G20 protestors driven to Pittsburgh by mom
Ahmadinejad: Iran needs enriched uranium to purchase large IKEA sofa
Obama: If we don't bomb Iran now, we'll never pass healthcare reform
Taliban hires DC lobbyist in effort to get Obama's attention
Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled
Media study: Caucasian toddlers are more likely to cut eye-holes into "blankies"
Democrat strategist: 9 out of 10 white infants prefer cross burning over mother's milk
Mahmoud’s Liquidation Warehouse: 50% off Israel - this weekend only - it won’t last long
Obama: Black kids still forced to beat people up at back
of bus
Charlie Gibson: Neil Armstrong went where?
Obamacare, it’s finger-licking good!
Ben and Jerry release 'Hate Monger Bigot' flavor to celebrate those who support traditional marriage
'Shiver me Timbers!': Somalia unveils People's Institute for Redistribution, Adventurism & Thalassic Extortion (PIRATE)
Energy Czar: to save energy, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off
Other 49 states impose carbon tax on California due to wildfire smoke
Following Scotland's lead, US Justice Dept releases Charles Manson, citing battle with chronic hemorrhoids
Obama to media: Please respect our girls' privacy, especially Mr. Letterman
Teachable moment: Obama to hold 'beer summit' between offended Post Office and UPS
Taliban sends protesters to Afghan town hall meetings in attempt to get Obama administration to withdraw Gotham villains working for the Common Good™
White House recalibrates description of town hall protesters from 'terrorists' to 'man-made Nazi fascist pigs'
Experts: when buying Astroturf, remember to look for the Union LabelNational-socialist health care?
Drudge insulates self from White House anger by naming his site MoveOn.Drudge
ABC greenlights epic 12-part miniseries based on Beer Summit
Moveon.org petitions Dems to leave Bush/Cheney alone and 'move on to pressing issues facing the nation'
Palin: Critics ipso facto are quitters
Honduran ex-president Zelaya holds press- conference, presents birth certificate for examination
Cambridge: fighting racial bias, Obama picks black scholar Henry Louis Gates as Door Jigging Czar
Obama: white cop acted like inexperienced rookie, but being one I may be biased
On the international front: Obama brings back Cold War, switches sides
Signs of recovery: WH study finds number of searches for 'economic depression' on Google lower than it could have been under FDR
Obama inherited broken teleprompter from George W Bush
Zelaya: we support the democratically-elected President of the USA, even though he has strongly opposed American policies
Eco group 'Earth First' protests burying non- biodegradeable body of Michael Jackson under the ground
Study: Media orgasm over Michael Jackson's death oddly appropriate
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
Seven Obama cousins found living in voting boothUS choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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) to maintain control over the masses... how can they disagree with something when they 1.) know very little about it 2.) are taught that numbers triumph over all 3.) a man in a white coat and thick glasses tells them so... how can they disagree with that!? THE ANSWER, MY DEAREST O'BRIEN, IS THAT THEY CAN'T!
Experts: assassin hid bomb in anal cavity adjacent to brain
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
