Stalkers across the state of Illinois got a wonderful windfall when Republican Governor Bruce Rauner signed the state's latest gun-control measure into law this week.

The new law mandates a 72-hour waiting period for firearm purchases, a move applauded by Otto Skeezix, chairman of the Illinois chapter of the Association of Stalkers, Sociopaths, Weirdos And Deviants. "This is going to make the world a much safer place for people like me," said Skeezix, "and it will certainly cut down on domestic gun violence."

It seems that in the past, a woman who had become the object of fixed attention could enter a gun store, and, having passed the simple FBI background check, purchase a firearm that very day, turning her home into an instant deathtrap for a well-meaning and entirely misunderstood suitor. "All any ASSWAD guy wants to do is talk, you know, explain to her that she was meant to be yours and if you can't have her, bad things are gonna happen," reported Skeezix, "and that's hard to do when the woman is holding a gun."

Skeezix, known as "Twitchy" to his associates, recalled the sad past of uncontrolled firearm ownership. "We've had ASSWAD guys shot at, wounded, and in some truly sad incidents, even killed by unreasonable objects of our affection." This reign of terror has been ended by the courageous Republican Governor Rauner, who stood up to NRA pressure and signed the bill with little thought to political consequence or anything else.

"Now we have a three-day grace period to convince the object of our fixation that we really were meant to be together, and do so in safety," smiled Skeezix. "The minute she walks into that gun shop, we know the clock is ticking. We've got 72 hours to make her see reason. This is great! Three whole days when you KNOW she doesn't have any way to resist your charms!"

Skeezix jerked a bit with the sad recollection of the way things used to be, and his knuckles went white as his hands clenched together as he continued. "It used to be that you'd be sweating like crazy when you were jimmying a door lock or window latch--what if she's got a gun? How can you explain to a woman that it was fate that brought you together with sweat pouring down your face? And then she gets all weird, and you have to touch her up a little bit, not much, you know, just a couple open hand, across the face, to get her to calm down and listen, youknowhattimean, if she'd just LISTEN I wouldn't HAVE to knock her around, youknowhattimean, and if she has a gun she might shoot you, youknowhatimean, it just isn't FAIR if she's RUNNINAROUNWITTAGUN!"

Now, thanks to the Illinois legislature and their heroic governor, Otto "Twitchy" Skeezix and thousands of other ASSWAD types can stalk without fear of being shot while entering the home of their object of afixation. Hopefully Illinois voters will remember this when they head to the polls this fall.

Yeah, one woman bought a protection order to prevent her husband from killing her. It didn't work. When he was stalking outside her home, she dialed 911, but it was too late.

Slain woman was afraid of husband. She filed for divorce twice and once sought a court order of protection. PUBLIC SAFETY

Pro-tip: Don't wait until you need one to buy a gun. You can always use the spare time to practice with it.

Well, it's a small step in the right direction, I guess.

In a perfect world (which is coming NEXT Tuesday, not today), no one should be allowed to own a gun, period. Indeed, no one should be allowed to own anything, as the State will take good care of us, and provide all of our needs.

And if you have a need that the State hasn't provided -- then, Comrade, you didn't really need it.

Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:Well, it's a small step in the right direction, I guess.

In a perfect world (which is coming NEXT Tuesday, not today), no one should be allowed to own a gun, period. Indeed, no one should be allowed to own anything, as the State will take good care of us, and provide all of our needs.

And if you have a need that the State hasn't provided -- then, Comrade, you didn't really need it.

This is a beautiful sentiment, Comrade. As we have long taught in our State schools, if you want it then you need it. And if you need it, then it is a right. And if it is a right, the State will force others to give it to you.