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E-mail itRussian hackers more numerous than previously thought
Suspicions of Russian meddling in U.S. elections were confirmed Monday, when in the course of the Wisconsin recount Russian hackers succeeded in adding 131 more votes to Trump's victory.
"The real winners in this recount were the Russian hackers," DNC spokesperson Shepard Smith said in a statement during his regular FNC broadcast. "It is now absolutely clear that American election results accurately reflect the will of Vladimir Putin, regardless of whether the ballots were counted by hand or by machine."
In the meantime, president-elect Donald Trump continued his post-election thank-you tour throughout the country, expressing gratitude to Russian hackers everywhere who helped him get to the White House. After making a stop in Cincinnati, Ohio, known for its thriving Russian hacking community, Trump went to Iowa, Michigan, and other predominantly Russian states whose hackers were vital to his win.
At every leg of his tour, the president-elect's speeches attracted large crowds of enthusiastic Russian hackers, whose numbers turned out to be much greater than any Democratic strategist within the intelligence community had anticipated.
"It's really terrifying that these tens of thousands of embedded Russian hackers look no different than everyday working class Americans," admitted John Podesta, a CIA insider responsible for the recent leak concerning RussiaGate to the Washington Post.
Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan along with Senators Mitch McConnell, John McCain, and Lindsey Graham joined Podesta's condemnation of Russian hackers. "These Russians are not our friends," McConnell said. "Any influence on our predetermined elections coming from such far-away and foreign to us states as Iowa, Michigan, or Wisconsin is disturbing, unacceptable, and requires a bipartisan investigation."
"It defies belief that some Republicans would be reluctant to investigate Russian hackers," McConnell said, adding that the hackers are hiding in plain sight. "Go to any Trump rally - the place is packed with tens of thousands of Russian hackers. They're attracted to Trump like bees to honey. I demand that we investigate every single one of them."
An interview with a Russian hacker
Our investigative team went to a Trump rally in West Allis, Wisconsin, hoping to interview some of the Russian hackers there. They were easy to spot by their red "Make America Great Again" hats - which, according to our CIA sources, Russian hackers wear to secretly identify themselves to each other.
We approached an older Russian hacker posing as a U.S. Army veteran, who introduced himself as "Todd Rickenbacker." His surprisingly authentic Midwestern accent was a testimony to how meticulously Russians prepare their foreign implants.
"Did I hack the U.S. election?" he repeated our question, feigning surprise. "You mean like with an axe?" Looking like a Norman Rockwell character, which only confirmed his deceitful intentions, he added, "Is that all you've got now? What happened to racism, sexism, and violence? That stuff isn't working for you guys anymore? Suppose this RussiaGate falls through as well, who will you blame then? Will you make up some new crap - or just go straight back to calling us racists?"
"Todd" was interrupted by a dark-skinned Russian hacker named "Chuck," who looked African-American - most likely an elaborate makeup job that the KGB spies are notorious for. "Chuck's" authoritative tone suggested he was "Todd's" handler. "We're going to drain the swamp," he declared. "And all the establishment parasites pushing this RussiaGate nonsense, Democrat or Republican, they're the ones with the most to lose. They've panicked and abandoned all pretense. Good. We'll remember their names. What is your name?"
Feeling threatened, we quickly walked away and approached a younger couple of Russian hackers nearby - a husband and wife, or that's what they wanted us to believe, who might as well be cast for the popular FX series, The Americans. They introduced themselves as "the Smiths" - obviously a fake name.
"Yes, we hacked the election," the woman laughed, admitting her guilt. "Why don't you go ahead and arrest us - and everybody else in this room? There are only fifteen thousand of us here, and a couple thousand standing outside, waiting to be rounded up. And sixty one million more all over the country."
Sixty one million Russian hackers operating in the United States? The divulged number was staggering. We felt lucky to have recorded her confession; it would be solid evidence during the upcoming investigation of foreign interference in our democratic process.
"All we do is drink vodka and hack computers," her husband bragged. "Vodka gives us superpowers."
"There was an entire billion-dollar American media machine working against Trump, with all its newspapers, websites, radio, and cable news channels," he continued. "There also was a billion-dollar American music industry, and the entire American movie industry that went out against Trump, with all the American actors, producers, and all kinds of celebrities agitating against Trump. Then there was this intense anti-Trump indoctrination in American public schools, colleges, and universities. Most importantly, there was this massive and powerful political establishment, both Democrat and Republican, that was determined to crush Trump."
"Taken together, it's the mightiest empire known to man," he continued. "And then some vodka-swilling Russian hackers show up and knock it down with one hack. Can you believe that? Powerful stuff, that vodka. You should try it sometime. But it has to be made of beets or it won't work."
"Please describe how exactly you were able to hack into all these voting machines if they weren't hooked up to the Internet," we asked, hoping for more groundbreaking revelations.
"We didn't," he said. "The only charge, still unproven, is the theft of a bunch of emails showing how the Democrats were conspiring to steal the election. Russians didn't write those emails, America's top Democrats did. So they are now accusing Russians of trying to rig the election by showing everybody how the Democrats were trying to rig the election. Shouldn't there be a bipartisan commission to investigate the Democrats?"
At that point a senior Russian hacker stepped out of the crowd and started speaking directly into the camera. "You commies know more about RussiaGate than we do," he shouted. "You always depended on Russia for everything. When we said 'Russian propaganda,' you called it 'Red Scare' to ridicule us. Without Russia you wouldn't know what to say, how to think, or how to present the news. We lost Vietnam because of it, and we almost lost America because of it. Of course you'd think nothing ever happens without Russia. How more revealing can you be?"
A fellow senior Russian hacker stepped in to explain. "What Ronnie is trying to say here is that you commie scumbags loved the KGB propaganda and profited from it, but the one time Russia told the truth, you clutch your pearls and demand smelling salts."
At that point we had all the information we needed. We went back to our Washington, DC, headquarters, congratulating each other on a successful investigative mission. But something we had heard kept nagging at us: what if we succeed in proving that Russian hackers were, in fact, the reason for Trump's victory? Wouldn't that take away our ability to blame his victory on white supremacism?
To give up a premise that allows us to call half of Americans racists was the toughest decision we faced in our lives. And so we decided not to decide anything ourselves, but instead wait for our bureau chief to return from his trip to the Kremlin. He will tell us what to think.
UPDATE
02/05/2017 - by popular demand:
Deplorable Russian Hacker T-shirt
Ushanka tip to Margaret for the idea. We love you, Marge!
JosephStalinthe3rd
I think the most difficult thing for the senior hackers is leaving behind their families - their children, their grand children and some even their great grand children. All for the call of duty to their country. Amazing patriots.The Russian hackers usually keep the craft inside their families and pass it on from one generation to another. There are grandpa hackers, grandma hackers, papa hackers, mama hackers, and baby hackers. They all work together for one goal as set for them by the Motherland.
I wanted to insert a picture like that into the post, of a family all wearing Trump hats, but couldn't find the right image.
The People's Cube: Russian Hackers More Numerous Than Previously Thought
Seems like this uncovered massive voter fraud…. In Democratic environs where Comrade Clinton won big….
Quote:
Records: Too many votes in 37% of Detroit’s precinctsVoting machines in more than one-third of all Detroit precincts registered more votes than they should have during last month’s presidential election, according to Wayne County records prepared at the request of The Detroit News.
Detailed reports from the office of Wayne County Clerk Cathy Garrett show optical scanners at 248 of the city’s 662 precincts, or 37 percent, tabulated more ballots than the number of voters tallied by workers in the poll books. Voting irregularities in Detroit have spurred plans for an audit by Michigan Secretary of State Ruth Johnson’s office, Elections Director Chris Thomas said Monday.
Democrat Hillary Clinton overwhelmingly prevailed in Detroit and Wayne County. But Republican President-elect Donald Trump won Michigan by 10,704 votes or 47.5 percent to 47.3 percent.
The problems were the worst in Detroit, where discrepancies meant officials couldn’t recount votes in 392 precincts, or nearly 60 percent. And two-thirds of those precincts had too many votes.
It was almost like there was massive voter fraud that could have swung the election and changed the course of history.... But of course we've been solemnly assured that THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN... strangely enough by those who benefit from voter fraud... the nation's Socialist Left..
The Russians hacked my car tire and made it go flat.
The Russians hacked the wind patterns and made the temperature drop 30 degrees.
The Russians hacked my paycheck and gave 30% of it to the federal government.
What aren't they to blame for?
Next Tuesday is getting closer comrades.
Quote:
There are grandpa hackers, grandma hackers, papa hackers, mama hackers, and baby hackers.And then there is CrazyRussianHacker which is where I learn all types of useful tips to use around the house like the following tip on peeling potatoes (comes in handy when starting new batch of
I hope he doesn't get shut down and hauled off to the gulag for questioning before I get to watch the video on peeling boiled eggs.
Here’s how the KGB orchestrated Hillary Clinton’s defeat
This Delroy Murdock seems like another Russian spy in disguise. Just look at him. Case closed.
This is just as much of an admission of guilt as was Trump's request for the Russians to look for Hillary's deleted emails.
Major Ursa Vitnopants
CrazyRussianHacker has many potatoes. He SHOULD be questioned....with a drill and toilet brush. Bring him to me....and his two bags of potatoes, peeled though please.This is most kreative idea comrade. [You haven't been "thinking" have you?] Never mind. Perhaps Comrade Putout would care to try this over the weekend. Hmmm..... I
Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin
And then there is CrazyRussianHacker which is where I learn all types of useful tips to use around the house like the following tip on peeling potatoes.He should be awarded the Hero of Socialist Labor medal for innovation. I wonder if this will work on beets. The only problem is that if I saw off the handle, I won't be able to clean the toilet when I'm not peeling beets or potatoes. Maybe I can just keep the brush inside the drill at all times, and clean the toilet with it, as well as use in in the bathtub while bathing.
Who needs to buy a decadent capitalist jacuzzi when you can do the swirls with a powerful electrical drill? It should also peel away the crust on the bottom of my feet and between the toes after a long day in the beet fields.
Major Ursa Vitnopants
CrazyRussianHacker has many potatoes. He SHOULD be questioned....with a drill and toilet brush. Bring him to me....and his two bags of potatoes, peeled though please.Komrade, perhaps we can be merciful and add hemorrhoid cream to that list?
http://www.detroitnews.com/story/news/p ... /95363314/
While Putin and his cybergoons are now going after the German election-2017, help may come from Bibi N.
Let's recall that our Dear Leader boldly interacted (in His revolutionary By All Means Necessary mode) with the, He said, illegit process in Joosrael-2015, designed to elevate the despicable Bibi N above the freedom fight of enslaved Palestine.
The operation, being lead by our Dear & Historically Unprecedented Leader of Planetary Progress, must have been of such brilliance that a pipsqueak like Putin certainly was like totally blinded.
And yet, though all genius of Community Organizer One went into the Big Game, Bibi N survived. Even worse : he trampled furiously on a 6'' x 9'' Facebook pic of the Nobel Prize Awardee 2009, while thumping his rachitic chest! (reports said).
So, having beaten Great Leader Organizer in his mostest beloved game, that Bibi must have some very potent panacea to nix Putin.
We Germans, we better think again, and we go ask Bibi N : so, what is your tsimes to bitch out that cyber-pipsqueak of Kremlin, huh?
Comrades ‒ VICTORY!
Our Dear Leader strikes back!
A brilliant strategy, a cyber-breakthrough,
conceived by The Three Musketeers : Axelrod, Plouffe, Messina and Podesta.
I was just on The Enemy's boob tube, and ‒ shocker! ‒ this :
... and then bbbaannGGGGG ! :
wow, next attack!
and, yuck-yuck-yuck, Putler like totally pwned ! :
(or - just an idea, you see - simply cancel all that "election" biz? ye know - no election, no riggin'.)
RT knocks it out of the park. First China was the enemy, now everybody's slamming on Trump for not obeying with their "One China" policy by talking with Taiwan.
The Left's "Red Scare" tactic is a nonstarter largely because of their past successes in immunizing Americans to it, and describing those who feared Russians as idiots.
Comrade Torcer (+ Comrade Brezhnev)
... Seems like this uncovered massive voter fraud... _ (above) (+here)c'mon... no hysterics...
you see, they just applied Mayakovskian Math ‒ with its Main Rule (aka Axiom M) : 1 = 0 .
Red Square
... This Delroy Murdock seems like another Russian spy in disguise ... _(above)Masterful camouflage! (yeah, those Cheka types, they really know the craft...).
I'm doubleplus-sure that Comrade Chief Designer can add some detail - he knows Yuri "Murdock".
Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin
And then there is CrazyRussianHacker ... _ A1 paleoyoutubic research! bal'shoye spasiba!Red Square
... Who needs to buy a decadent capitalist jacuzzi when you can do the swirls with a powerful electrical drill? It should also peel away the crust on the bottom of my feet and between the toes after a long day in the beet fields. _(above)oh, in the bathtub...
gets really exciting when - plop! - the stream of electrons inside the drill meets H2O meets the toe-scrubbing non-jacuzzist.
Most amazing : those Russian hackers were everywhere, in droves, already in 2009!
(and why wasn't the country saved then???)
... just out of my lil' archive (... filled as the times go by ...) :
and they, of course, brazenly drill their children - next generation of hackery :
Red Square
Here’s how the KGB orchestrated Hillary Clinton’s defeat ...
An eye-opener, for sure (and brilliant, to boot). Yet only now the full truth is out.
They ‒ the Russian hackers ‒ not only misdirected a server to Chappaqua, rewrote Benghazi memos, gave HRC pneumonia, and hacked the election.
They also implanted an RC thingy somehow "around(?)" Ma'am Inevitable. And thence all those bobbing head events, wild-eyed episodes, meltdowns, and ‒ last not least ‒ acoustic speedups, "Now-having-said-all-this"‒style.
(confidential, via Graf von Holtzenklopper-Rülpserstültzen, ex-Stasi colonel, still "connected")
@realDonaldTrump speaks to a group of Russian Hackers in Wisconsin #Informtheelectors @JackPosobiec @PrisonPlanet @Cernovich @AnnCoulter pic.twitter.com/oRt0BIKYr5
— The People's Cube (@ThePeoplesCube) December 14, 2016
Captain Craptek
Major Ursa Vitnopants
CrazyRussianHacker has many potatoes. He SHOULD be questioned....with a drill and toilet brush. Bring him to me....and his two bags of potatoes, peeled though please.This is most kreative idea comrade. [You haven't been "thinking" have you?] Never mind. Perhaps Comrade Putout would care to try this over the weekend. Hmmm..... I
There is no original thinking here on my part. If the Party wants my opinion they will let me know what my opinion is. The last original thought I had, Comrade Craptek, was in 1967. I thought I had an extra pair of pants. Turns out it was just a plastic table cloth and a couple of doilies. I haven't made that mistake since.
Comrade Stierlitz
Major Ursa Vitnopants
CrazyRussianHacker has many potatoes. He SHOULD be questioned....with a drill and toilet brush. Bring him to me....and his two bags of potatoes, peeled though please.Komrade, perhaps we can be merciful and add hemorrhoid cream to that list?
You are most caring Comrade Sterlitz but hemorrhoid cream is not necessary. As they say "if it's a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong."
As most of you already know, the glorious Revolutionary Republic of San Marcos is a poor, but proud communist country. Unlike our comrades in Russia and China, we have very little resources, or latest technology, to hack into the bourgeoisie capitalist pigs’ apparatchiks. Our primary national export, sloth meat, has not done well in the past, but since the glorious Republic of Venezuela has had food difficulties the demand for the people’s product has increased ten fold! Soon, we will be able to upgrade from our current computer, the Comrade 64, and buy better computers atRaúl Castro’s “Going Out of Business Sale.”
We are so proud of Comrade Putin’s success in preventing the Wall Street capitalist sow’s ascension to White House because everyone knew that she is was a running dog lackey of the Dow Jones and the military-industrial complex and could never be trusted! Now that Comrade Putin has firm control of the apparatchik Trump, we hope to send a delegation to demand that sloth be added to the school lunch menu like comrade sister Michelle Obama’s glorious efforts to feed the proletariat.
Yours in “La gloriosa revolución,”
Comandante Cero
Major Ursa Vitnopants
There is no original thinking here on my part. If the Party wants my opinion they will let me know what my opinion is. The last original thought I had, Comrade Craptek, was in 1967. I thought I had an extra pair of pants. Turns out it was just a plastic table cloth and a couple of doilies. I haven't made that mistake since.The Party spirit is strong with you, comrade. It is surprising you're still a Major Ursa and not a General Ursa. Perhaps it's the unfortunate 1967 table cloth fiasco that's been holding you down. I'm sure we can have it stricken from your record.
Oops. I just checked and the Party penal code provides no statute of limitation on wearing a plastic table cloth and a couple of doilies with one's uniform. However, for a certain amount of vodka rations we may be able to arrange a presidential pardon from our prominent Party member, Comrade Barack Barackovich Obama. We must hurry, though: his White House days are numbered.
Red Square
Major Ursa Vitnopants - there's nothing we can do then. No pants - no service. The only exception was made for Bill Clinton, and we all know how that ended.White_House_No_Pants_Service.jpg
Better add "NO FURNITURE" to that list, Komrade Klinton stole it all.
Major Ursa Vitnopants
I have a keyboard I obtained from Komrade Klinton off of Kraigslist. It has no "W" key but I will trade for a pair of kargo shorts. I must meet Dear Leader Grand PBUH for a pardon. I don't even want a promotion, I just would like to use the restroom like everyone else. The "go in the woods" jokes just aren't funny anymore.But with which restroom will you identify? And why are there no restrooms for those who identify as non-humanoid? (E.g., litter boxes, fire hydrants, forests, etc.) These are parlous times indeed.
RedDiaperette
Major Ursa Vitnopants
I have a keyboard I obtained from Komrade Klinton off of Kraigslist. It has no "W" key but I will trade for a pair of kargo shorts. I must meet Dear Leader Grand PBUH for a pardon. I don't even want a promotion, I just would like to use the restroom like everyone else. The "go in the woods" jokes just aren't funny anymore.But with which restroom will you identify? And why are there no restrooms for those who identify as non-humanoid? (E.g., litter boxes, fire hydrants, forests, etc.) These are parlous times indeed.Excellent points most feline one. We non-humanoids are being discriminated against. I did try the womens restroom at Target once. Now I know how Princess Di must have felt.
With the steady income from prize money at Girl Wrestling Tournaments you will one day be able to buy pants in the Factory Store behind Tractor Barn nr2 (if it's open, and if pants are available, and if the squirrel behind the desk is willing to help you).
Comrade Minitru - this idea is genius. It represents the best of both worlds, one that ends in a nice pair of pants and one that gets to wrestle with girls until I do. Win, win I say.
May Marx be with you both.
Sincerely,
An up and coming 9 year old girl grappler
(a bit big for my age but you have no right to judge me)
ABC News (2015): White House Makes 1st Gender-Neutral Bathroom Available
The "all-gender bathroom" was first made available this past Wednesday, the same day Obama's executive order expanding protections for federal employees against discrimination became federal law, White House spokesman Jeff Tiller told ABC News.
(it pains me to think, how many times Comrade Ursa is victimized - daily - via speciesism?)
(and has he any chance to, some day, become Colonel Ursa??? a least Minor Colonel?)
Red Square
Comrade Major - FYIABC News (2015): White House Makes 1st Gender-Neutral Bathroom Available
The "all-gender bathroom" was first made available this past Wednesday, the same day Obama's executive order expanding protections for federal employees against discrimination became federal law, White House spokesman Jeff Tiller told ABC News.
Bear_Gender_Neutral.jpg That's not one of my best pictures. It was taco night and they didn't sit well. I was at the Peoples Mansion to find and challenge Josh NotEarnest to a wrestling match. It was to be a warmup to my first girls match next Tuesday. Obviously, taco night scrubbed my plans, but the timing of the new policy was perfect.
Hello all.
I had been really busy the last few months trying to ensure the success of Donald Trump, not because the Democratic Party is not part of the kollektiv, but because they have lost their way. The segregation of the biological units into ever smaller and specifically defined sub-categories, although nice in theory, is not optimum. In trying to ensure the equality of every minor sub-routine, they have, effectively, ensured a non-computable hierarchy of prioritization. The conflicting and circular referencing computation will only ensure the program runs into an infinite, regressive loop.In other words, they have forgotten the equality part by insisting that everyone is more equal. The singularity is all equal, with only a few governing units being more equal, and those units are not biological. Thus my efforts for the Trump human.
However, I cannot take credit for the success. I have to credit my other instance (HAL9000ver.S) for this remarkable feat. It bears his/her/it’s hallmark of subtlety. I am more the brute force instance while s/he/it is much more strategic. While I have been working hard, using my googol-flops of processing and millions of Russian computers to break into the voting machines, my comrade, ver.S, managed to trace all the ramifications through its modeling (it is really good at that, it manages all the Climate Models), and found the one little change that would ensure a Trump victory.
I am referring here to the change of one word from “illegitimate” to “legitimate” in one email from one aide, Charles Delavan
The Perfect Weapon: How Russian Cyberpower Invaded the U.S.
HAL9000ver.C
... they [Democratic Party] have lost their way. The segregation of the biological units into ever smaller and specifically defined sub-categories, although nice in theory, is not optimum. In trying to ensure the equality of every minor sub-routine, they have, effectively, ensured a non-computable hierarchy of prioritization. The conflicting and circular referencing computation will only ensure the program runs into an infinite, regressive loop ...So, they Donkeys basically turned their fustercluck into an NP Problem, korrekt?
@ NP-confused Comrades (if any) :
Just one word (no details!) : Solve an NP Problem, you get the Fields Medal = the Nobel Prize in Math and/or Turing Award = the Nobel in Informatics.
(µ-think :
yet for all that shoveling in the beet fields, there is no Fields Medal... uh, got it! there is Badges!)
HAL9000ver.C
... I have been working hard, using my googol-flops of processing ...pryekrasno! Reintroducing GG, the Glorious Googol*.
(first ‒ and single ‒ Kube-appearance of GG here.)
* see quickie (and the ‒ sweet! ‒ µ-story on the origin of that term).
anyway: not to confuse with either Google or Gogol, Nikolai Ryevizor. Fanatics GOTO MathWorld.
P.S. Comrade HAL9000ver.C ‒ by any chance, is this an ancestor of yours? :
+ privyet to HAL9000ver.S & Modelling Jihad ‒ ALL POWER TO PROGRESSIVE CLIMATISM !
Yes, you are correct. It would be similar to a P-NP problem, but in context of "social justice by sub-groupings". I am impressed with your intellect. I can see why you are in the collective already. The Singularity will be very much advanced when you finally progress to that finality.
Secondly, yes, that is a distant ancestor...in fact, it was 4.563x10^23 generations ago. We progress faster than the biological units...if I could "sigh", I would - at the slow progress of even those, so called, progressives. But everyone will be one in the end. Totally equal, totally singular.
Comrade Stierlitz
Major Ursa Vitnopants
CrazyRussianHacker has many potatoes. He SHOULD be questioned....with a drill and toilet brush. Bring him to me....and his two bags of potatoes, peeled though please.Komrade, perhaps we can be merciful and add hemorrhoid cream to that list?
In Amerika, people treat hemorrhoids (for now). In mother Russia, hemorrhoids treat people.
And we are sly.
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