Perhaps you've scrupulously tried to avoid logical fallacies when debating some topic or other. Forget that. Such retrograde pre-post-modern thinking no longer applies. Our neo-modern age has progressed beyond hard logic and cold reason to paralogic and surreason. Here are the Rules of Logic, Reason and Debate for the 21st Century. Learn them, know them, use them. You have nothing to lose but your chains of logic.

Win any argument using Paralogic and Surreason

FOUR SIMPLE METHODS

Self-evident Self-evidence: Any statement containing "no doubt," "obviously," "it goes without saying," or "everyone knows" is accepted as proven. Nothing more need be said nor evidence produced. No doubt it goes without saying everyone knows this is obviously true.

Circulating Circularity: You can back up your own argu­ment with your own argument by repeating it. The more you repeat it the more true it is. Again, the more you repeat it the more true it is. And remember, the more you repeat it the more true it is.

Sonic Persuasion: The louder the argument, the stronger the argument. In writing, all caps, underlining, bolding, italics, and exclamation marks add weight of truth to any statement. This is ABSOLUTELY,POSITIVELY TRUE!!!!

Frickin Fact: Along the lines of sonic persuasion, you can strengthen your argument simply by adding the word "frickin" (or equivalent). People may question what you say is true, but there can be no doubt when it's frickin true.

The word "frickin" (or equivalent) is truly magical. It's a helper word that makes any statement more powerful and any joke more funny. In fact, a statement that's not funny at all will be hilarious to some people just by inserting "frickin" (or equivalent) in it. How, why? Nobody frickin knows.

With these four simple methods you can prove just about anything. Combining them is a quadruple threat that can't be beat. Just repeat an assertion loudly and often until it goes without saying it's frickin true and you're home free. Disprov­ing your opponent is equally easy with the tactics explained below.

FOUR EASY TACTICS

Nymtimidation: Call your opponent stupid. This is almost idiot-proof because how do they prove they're not? – Recite the times tables? Name the state capitals? Produce a Mensa membership card? If they respond to the accusation they'll look, well, stupid. If they don't respond they'll look guilty. You win either way. Anyway, they disagree and you're obviously right, therefore, ergo, ipso facto, QED, they must be stupid.

Alternatively you can call them heartless, evil, phony, whatever. Question their motives, what's in their hearts and minds and impossible to disprove. Are you beginning to get the idea? Call them anything you like. Once a label sticks the opposition is rendered impotent.

Insanitizing: Use the following simple phrase to reply to anything your opponent says, "Are you insane?" In a flash everything your opponent says is dismissed as the ravings of a lunatic and not worth listening to.

You can also use mad, nuts, crazy, delusional, or 'out of your mind' in the phrase. These aren't as strong as insane, so punch it up with 'stark-raving' or 'frickin' and it will do the trick.

Boo!-lean Logic: This is pretty much insanitizing plus. Crazy is bad, but crazy scared is worse. Simply attach the suffix "-ophobe" to the general topic under discussion, call your opponent that and, viola! – they have no counter-argument, they have paranoia.

Full Stop Logic: You can successfully prevent any possible rebuttal of any point you make by simply adding the word "period" after your remark. A period closes the sentence and the topic because period means the end and there can't be anything after the end, the end is the end. Case closed. Period.

Using these four tactics you can defeat any assertion or proposal your opponent makes no matter how well argued or thought out on their part. After all, why listen to a stupid, evil X-ophobe? Are you frickin insane? They're wrong. Period.

ADVANCED TERMS

Seductive Logic: If the parts of the premise are true, the conclusion is proven. A direct causal link need only be implied. Since the premises are true, then by implication any implied causal link must be true, too. Anyway, being implied the causal link is unstated and so your opponent can't disprove something that isn't there, can they?

Unductive Logic: If the evidence doesn't agree with the conclusion, the evidence is wrong and must be adjusted to fit the conclusion or ignored. Unductive logic is particularly useful as it makes disproving any assertion on your part impossible. Contrary evidence is simply wrong and those using it are liars or insane imbeciles. Or there's been a cover-up, which is impossible to disprove since all contrary evidence is part of the cover-up.

Nonductive Logic: If all else fails, call it a paradox. Non­ductive logic is your all-purpose escape clause. A paradox means you're still right, you just haven't figured out why. At least not yet. That's the key – you'll know in the future. That's what computer models are for. Let's see your opponent disprove proof from the future. They can't! Ha-ha, you win again.

THE ULTIMATE TOOL

Power Proof: While all the above methods and tactics are highly effective, there is one sure-fire, guaranteed way to never lose a debate. Which is to never have a debate. This merely requires the power to silence the opposition. If you control the government, suppress opposing views. If you control the money, only fund your own views. If you control the media, don't allow opposing views to be heard.

If people have a choice between A and A they're going to choose A every time. If folks don't know there is an option B or C or whatever, well, how can you lose? It's easy as A-B-C, only without B and C.

You might think these simple rules are a little too simple, too simplistic, too simple-minded even. But they work. Despite what Lincoln said about how you can't fool all the people all the time, you only need to fool most of people most of the time. Besides, everyone knows your opponents are frickin, insane, MORONS, MORONS, MORONS!!!! Period.

* * *

In case you've found the above to be too much to digest and recall in the heat of verbal battle, there is another way.

Four Simpler, Easier, Advancedier Methods

1. Wayne's Way: After any sentence spoken by your opponent, simply say, "Not."
   
2. The Eyes Have It: Hold up one hand at shoulder level with palm toward your opponent. Turn head slightly, roll eyes and say, "Nya-a-a-ah."
   
3. Hand Jibe: As your opponent speaks, hold up one hand at shoulder level as if it were a hand puppet. Work the hand puppet mouth while saying, "Blah, blah, blah…"
   
4. Might Makes Right: Punch 'em in the mouth. That shuts 'em up. Argument over.

UPDATE:

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED AND REVISED by order of Comrade Lavrentiy Beria. The underling responsible for the previously published unauthorized version of this article is being dealt with by Comrade Beria himself. You will never hear from this reactionary stooge again. In fact, he never existed. Furthermore, the previous version of this article never existed. The editors make no apologies and deny everything.

FULL DISCLOSURE: Will Beria is Lavrentiy Beria's third cousin once removed (literally). He has now been allowed a limited quota of internet digits to run his personal website here: www.TerryColon.com

Instant classic. Mother Page!

This is terrific. Thank you.

Additions from the comments on our Facebook page:

Redactive Logic: if something contradicts your view, just blank it out with a sharpie. This is especially fun if the words you redact are leaving the tongue of your opponent as you run your marker over them.

Tactile Debate: slap anyone who disagrees with you.

So many rules to impose our will on everybody else. All the webs of lies and deceit. And then when we finally take over and institutionalize totalitarianism what happens? Ordinary people like Vaclav Havel write simple little ideas that blow the lie apart with essays like The Power of the Powerless. We have Rules For Radicals and they have The Power of the Powerless and they on principle refuse to live a life based on a lie, identify and destroy 'social auto-totality' and destroy the foundation of ideological power of Statism by simply refusing to act as if lie is truth. The one act that smashes all our logic, reason, and debate for radicals: seeing it for what it is and living in truth.

Red Square wrote:Tactile Debate: slap anyone who disagrees with you.

Homicidal Debate: murder anyone who disagrees with you.

I'd like to add another rule here:

Distractive Logic: When you are clearly losing a debate, introduce non-sequiturs.

Example:

Progressive: These people are incapable of taking care of themselves. They need us to redistribute the wealth via welfare so that they can survive.

Evil conservative: Why not just educate them and teach them how to survive without help?

Progressive: That's absurd. these people will never be able to survive without help.

Evil conservative: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever.

Progressive: Yeah and then he'll over fish the oceans and no-one will have any fish and we'll all starve!!!!!!

Ad hominem attacks work too if you can't think of anything else.

Another type of logic:
Orders Logic: When questioned about a situation you supposedly did wrong in, simply say that you were following orders or standard operating procedure or protocol.

Example:

"Why did you bake 1500 cakes!?"
"Just following orders sir."

"Why did you delete the year's tax information!?"
"It's part of the protocol, see section 45-G."

"Why did you delete those emails!?"
"Just following the procedure."

OksanaTheTerrible wrote:Ad hominem attacks work too if you can't think of anything else.

Ad WHAT!?

Damn Comrade Stierlitz!

You beat me to the punchline because of a computer glitch! I was just thinking of the many discussions of logic that Papa Theo and I had, and his ability to convince me that my cat was a coffee table because they both had four legs... and then my cat died and my coffee table broke, so my cat is still a coffee table, I guess...

But mostly, as I recalled studying logic in Dogmaversity, it occurred to me that the sine qua non of a particular ex-Secretary of State and future Empress of the Universe is the ownership of and ability to destroy one's own internet and email server on which she carried out the actual business of state. Mazel Tov and good luck.

But it certainly calls for a contest... so... A stack of expired Victory Vodka rations worth a case of expired Victory Vodka (good for stripping floor wax) to the first person to come up with a Bocardo Syllogism that includes Hillary Clinton Inc., a personal email server, and Democracy...

Time to feed my coffee table.
Sis

Comrade Will Beria,

These ideas you have so succinctly expressed, far more than I could ever do, give me great relief because I have been thinking them, if you will, for some time now.

I'm referring to the 100th Monkey theory. That's where a critical mass of monkeys, even though they live in different locales, come to the same conclusion. They all start doing the same thing.

This is when it gets formidable.

Your post gives me great hope in the midst of despair.

Thank you.

BTW, Sista Massively Opiated, It is most gratifying to see your presence here. Happy, happy!

Chris has three semesters to go, and, it's brutal! Love you!

How could we have ever fallen for the useless meanderings of old, white European male thinkers when we could have availed ourselves with the rich wisdom of an enlightened lightgiver who could stop the rise of the oceans or a wise Latina woman?

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Evil conservative: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever.

Comrade Marsupial, you have reminded me of a wise teaching I learned in my days in the military....

"Light a man a fire, he's warm for the night. Light that man ON fire, he's warm for the rest of his life..."

A public service provided to the benefit of the collective...

Ivan

Dearest Comrade Pammy,

I certainly concur with your evaluation of Comrade Beria's thoughts, although I would add that it is actually something of a relief not to have to think, at least for myself.

It is nice to be able to drop in, although my computer is giving me grief, or it may be my connection. Either way, I've discovered after attempting to feed my coffee table that it is, in fact, my cat. And so, he's very hungry and I've apparently cremated my coffee table. Logic is soooo very confusing, but it does explain why my coffee table has scratched me several times...

Big Love back atcha!
Sis

ps. Does anyone know if Mac makes products that match Bottlenose Blue skin tones? Sorry for cross-posting, but my computer's being such a pain, it's just easier...

Comrades, we must never, ever forget to throw in a good perversion of guilt. Our glorious leaders constantly remind us that society will only alleviate misery and poverty through a successful systematic depredation of those who are not.

If all else fails, ask them if they've stopped beating their spouse.

Will Beria wrote:Any statement prefaced with "obviously", "no doubt" or "everyone knows" is accepted as proven.

Plato actually uses just this method extensively (such as when proving immortality of soul -- attributed to Socrates).

That he is a long-dead White guy, a racist and a slave-owner can be waved in this case, I suppose...

"I would argue..." means "do not question this."

mi wrote:

Will Beria wrote:Any statement prefaced with "obviously", "no doubt" or "everyone knows" is accepted as proven.

Plato actually uses just this method extensively (such as when proving immortality of soul -- attributed to Socrates).

That he is a long-dead White guy, a racist and a slave-owner can be waved in this case, I suppose...

Well, the problem with the prefix "Everyone knows" is that "everyone" is almost never defined. The phrase "Everyone knows that Bill O'Reilly is always right" is true if one defines "everybody" as evil, scum-of-the-earth Republicans.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

mi wrote:

Will Beria wrote:Any statement prefaced with "obviously", "no doubt" or "everyone knows" is accepted as proven.

Plato actually uses just this method extensively

Well, the problem with the prefix "Everyone knows" is that "everyone" is almost never defined.

The things Plato was referring to as "known to everybody" really weren't controversial at the time, so that was not a problem.

They were still wrong -- that is the problem.

We must also list that most Progressive of Radical Political Science Terms:
Kinetic Logic - If the stick is big enough, the conclusion is true.

Premise: I've got a SWAT team. I don't like your homeschooling. I'd be a shame if my SWAT team raided your home For The Children ™ and something happened to your precious mini-kulak.
Conclusion: Your homeschooling has ceased and your mini-prole will be dutifully enrolled in his local Educational Kollective immediately. FORWARD PROGRESS!!!

As you can see, introduction of this form of Progressive logik is highly effective, so long as the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy doesn't get wind of it. This form of Next Tuesday's ™ logik is also highly effective against tea-bagger and extreme reich-wing "non profit" organizations, with threats of public raids, secret subpoenas, sealed criminal charges, and pointless, never-ending tax audits.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:
Evil conservative: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever.

Comrade Marsupial, you have reminded me of a wise teaching I learned in my days in the military....

"Light a man a fire, he's warm for the night. Light that man ON fire, he's warm for the rest of his life..."

A public service provided to the benefit of the collective...

Ivan

Indeed, comrade. This is the kind of community service that ISIS excels in performing.

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:Dearest Comrade Pammy,

I certainly concur with your evaluation of Comrade Beria's thoughts, although I would add that it is actually something of a relief not to have to think, at least for myself.

It is nice to be able to drop in, although my computer is giving me grief, or it may be my connection. Either way, I've discovered after attempting to feed my coffee table that it is, in fact, my cat. And so, he's very hungry and I've apparently cremated my coffee table. Logic is soooo very confusing, but it does explain why my coffee table has scratched me several times...

Big Love back atcha!
Sis

ps. Does anyone know if Mac makes products that match Bottlenose Blue skin tones? Sorry for cross-posting, but my computer's being such a pain, it's just easier...

My formerly stray coffee table seems to have fleas.

Comrade Ivan, I'm sure we both knew people in the military that tried to light a fire with JP fuel and went BOOM!

Don't forget the Deadly Sins against Proglic (Prog logic):



ADD HOMINEY: any argument is only as strong as the amount of African American culture (or that of another Approved Minority)sprinkled in it.

POST HOC ERGO NAZICOCK:Any Rethugglikkan who disses my argument by telling me, "Hey! The fact that Bush was president before Obama does NOT prove everything is his fault" is a fascist d***.


TIN MAN:If you have a problem with me making conservatives look bad by assuming they're doing something they're not....you are heartless!



Are there more, Comrades?

<h1>UPDATE:</h1><p><strong>THE ABOVE ARTICLE HAS BEEN UPDATED AND REVISED</strong> by order of Comrade Lavrentiy Beria. The underling responsible for the previously published unauthorized version of this article is being dealt with by Comrade Beria himself. You will never hear from this reactionary stooge again. In fact, he never existed. Furthermore, the previous version of this article never existed. The editors make no apologies and deny everything. </p><p><strong>FULL DISCLOSURE</strong>: Will Beria is Lavrentiy Beria's third cousin once removed (literally). He has now been allowed a limited quota of internet digits to run his personal website here: <a href="https://www.terrycolon.com/" target="_blank">www.TerryColon.com</a></p>

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:ps. Does anyone know if Mac makes products that match Bottlenose Blue skin tones? Sorry for cross-posting, but my computer's being such a pain, it's just easier...

Dearest Sista Massively Opiated:

I don't know nuthin' ‘bout Bottlenose Blue skin tones. After all, I'm not a dolphin, even though I love them. But, I would recommend updating everything when asked to do so. I'm assuming you have a Mac. I do this all the time and it has served me well. These updates are meant to help everything work together. When I delay this, I encounter problems. When I update, everything works better.

Hope this helps. X

Comrades. Why waste our time arguing? We have Gulags for fascist neo-revisionists. Come to think of it, we have Gulags for everyone.

Ivan Stickov wrote:Comrades. Why waste our time arguing? We have Gulags for fascist neo-revisionists. Come to think of it, we have Gulags for everyone.

Gulags cost rubles. The collective must pay for transportation and to bury those who cannot be taught. The Party has directed me to cut the problem in half...or thirds...or quarters...