[img]/images/Apocalypse_Horsemen_Pope_ClimateChange.jpg[/img]

Today the Vatican released a highly anticipated Papal encyclical containing a carefully worded prediction of the imminent destruction of Earth's environment at the hands of wealthy countries and individuals. Titled "Laudato Si," ("Be Praised"), the new encyclical leaves little doubt that its author, Pope Francis, is attempting to bridge the widening gap between the boring and preachy Epistle of Jude and the still popular and hardcore Book of Revelation, while also courting a younger, progressive generation of Mother Earth worshippers by adding a cool new "Horseman of Global Warming" to the existing Doomsday scenario, bringing the total number of Horsemen of the Apocalypse to five.

Prior to the release, a senior Vatican official explained the purpose of the encyclical as a good faith effort by the Pope to demonize unbridled capitalism as the sole threat to our common planet, thus endearing himself and the Church he shepherds to the largely untapped progressive community. "If this encyclical receives the popular support it deserves, it may well find its way into the Canon of Scripture, and possibly into movie theaters worldwide," the source told the press on condition of anonymity, explaining that "stealing the Holy Father's thunder" is an excommunicable offense.

"It may seem odd to suggest that St. John, author of the Book of Revelation, shared a common failing with the early prophets of Climate Change, but it's true. In his eagerness to steer readers to God, John wrote as though it was essential that people immediately embrace holy living so as to avoid the fast-approaching horrors of Armageddon. Likewise, until recently, the harbingers of carbon-based annihilation demanded drastic lifestyle changes among the world's consumers to prevent climate cataclysm," said the insider of an increasingly enlightened and once again relevant Catholic institution.

"Their mutual mistake was the specificity of predictions and deadlines for action, which have all passed without any noticeable impact. New York remains above water and natural disasters have not increased, while the seven seals remain unbroken and the stars are still attached to the firmament," the Vatican source said.

And yet we shouldn't lose hope: "The infallible Vicar of Christ won't repeat those mistakes. His encyclical skillfully combines compelling, Revelationesque doomsday scenarios with a generous use of tempering vagaries such as 'may' and 'potential.'"

Even though none of the earlier predictions have materialized, there is still reason for optimism, as Revelation and Climate Change Science both continue to be wildly popular among the respective groups of believers.

"The encyclical capitalizes on that popularity while serving as a long overdue segue between the present time, where nothing of note is happening, and the apocalyptic events which may still be decades away," said the Vatican official, ending the anonymous statement with a prediction that the eventual Hollywood screenplay may potentially feature a snappier, dire-sounding title.

Additional reporting by Red Square

Welcome to the Cube, Comrade Kilroy! Hope to see another story from you soon. This one goes straight to Mother Page!

I knew you could do it Kilroy. Well done comrade. Welcome to the collective.

Holy See...


...See I told'ja so!

Someone posted this on our Facebook:

Here they are again... "The Five Pack Haulers of the Alpaca Lips."

Red Square wrote:Someone posted this on our Facebook:

Here they are again... "The Five Pack Haulers of the Alpaca Lips."

Alpaca.jpg

That's so…

…Alpaca Liptic.

A member of the Cube all afternoon, one post, and hits the mother page? Rare, but possible. Must be a graduate of the Chedoh Academy...

Komrades!

One must consider the effect of Kilmate Change ™ over all.

The effect must be Kontrolled by Kollektivist Redistribution ™ !

Because, Science is a product of Science and the only Science worthy of mention is the Science of Kollektivist Redistribution ™ ,Kollektivist Redistribution ™ is paramount!

Thus the answer to Klimate Change ™ can only be Kollektivist Redistribution ™ !

Tovarisch everybody!

(Circular logic is fun)

I did what was required. Where is the line for that alpaca meat?

Welcome to the Cube, comrade. I've been away so long I feel like I'm a new member, myself.

Kilroy wrote:I did what was required. Where is the line for that alpaca meat?

The line forms just as it does for tenured unionized teachers. Newbies receive their ration cards after relatively green members of The Red Party, like myself. However, with your immediate promotion to the Mother Page on your first day of service, I expect you will rise through the ranks rapidly. Regarding the fifth horseman, do you know if the Vatican plans to issue an additional action figure to complete the previously issued Four Horsemen Playset? Also, is there any truth to the rumor that the band Metallica will reissue their song 'The Four Horsemen' with updated lyrics and title in order to reflect these changes? HEIL HILLARY!

Congrats Comrade!

Kilroy wrote:I did what was required. Where is the line for that alpaca meat?

Tastes like chicken.

Kudos, Komrade Kilroy!

Here's a revised and improved picture of a revised and improved Doomsday.

[img]/images/Apocalypse_Horsemen_Pope_Pony.jpg[/img]

Ouch ouch ouch! No more Commisarka Pinkie!

Sorry comrades, I got a flashback.

Apocalypse Pony: the new Vatican rendition.

In this cautionary tale, bad white American kids who have been rich, wasteful, and preoccupied with green-house flatulence, are being duly punished by Apocalypse Ponies.

Comrades, it is Child Abuse™ to fail to teach The Children™ of the impending Apocalypse™. Besides which, if we give them hope in The Future™, what hope could they have in The Party™? We all know what must be done, comrades.

Red Square wrote:"The Five Pack Haulers of the Alpaca Lips."

Looks like a furry convention. Oh icky.

Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt wrote:Comrades, it is Child Abuse™ to fail to teach The Children™ of the impending Apocalypse™. Besides which, if we give them hope in The Future™, what hope could they have in The Party™? We all know what must be done, comrades.

Here is the excerpt from the book of Climate models that relates to this prophecy.
Chapter two was lost to the apostate heathens that vandalized the Senate in 2014. But once Party Doctrinal scholars have finished the translation into newspeak, we will have the tire book of climate models.
Chapter 1

1. And I, Gore, do now speak somewhat concerning revelations given to me by climate models.
   
2. Now, hearken ye unto my words. For behold, I am constrained by the power of the party to speak, and cannot be silenced.
   
3. Verily, Verily, I say unto you, cursed is he who heareth the word of Lenin, and obeyeth not, for swiftly shalt he be cast out unto the Gulag.
   
4. And it came unto pass that the voice of Lenin came forth unto me saying: Look!
   
5. And I looked forth upon the face of the waters, and beheld the ice of the sea, yea, and the beasts of the earth that filled Ice.
   
6. And it came to pass that even as I beheld the Ice, that it did melt and whither before me even as a cube doth melt in a cup that overthloweth.
   
7. And the Beasts of the earth and of the sea did mourn. And the land of the north was filled with much mourning, and sorrow, and much weeping and wailing and flapping of flippers.
   
8. For behold, the land of their inheritance had been consumed by the fires of Carbon, yea, even had the ice of the sea been sunken down into the depths of the sea. And the children of the beasts were swallowed up by the sea and drowned.
   
9. And I hearkened, and heard the trump of the media sound.

I must congratulate and denounce you Comrade Kilroy. Motherpage on first post is an achievement. Are you trying to be better than us??? Ambition?? What is this world coming to?????

Welcome Comrade Kilroy! And congratulations on your first post going straight to the Mother Page! It is true that there is another horseman of the apocalypse, truth be told there may be even more. I hear one of them looks remarkably like Rand Paul.... But I digress. I do have to warn you that success is seen as a moral failure, so while I congratulate you I also have to consider denouncing you.... We will see... I am watching you, Comrade....

I didn't want to write it. In fact, I felt that it was terribly unfair that somebody else didn't do it for me. Besides, the crucial final edit and the awesome graphic came directly from Red Square.

Kilroy wrote:I didn't want to write it. In fact, I felt that it was terribly unfair that somebody else didn't do it for me. Besides, the crucial final edit and the awesome graphic came directly from Red Square.

I suggest, in the future, comrade, that you write under the pseudonym "Kapitan Kangaroo Kourt". That way you won't have to be embarrassed by fame and fortune and I will happily sacrifice my good reputation to protect yours. It's what being a good member of the collective is all about.

We have missed your voice of reason around here lo these many weeks Kapitan. Your self-sacrificing spirit sets a magnificent example for our new comrades to follow all the way to the glories of Next Tuesday... BTW Comrade Kourt, is that a didgeridoo in your pouch, or are you just excited to be back among the collective?

HEIL HILLARY!

It's a common misconception, comrade Punk. Male Kangaroos don't have pouches. I'll leave you to conclude what you may.

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Kilroy!

Good to see you again... usually you are only around during war time! Perhaps we are at war?

Don't worry about this vandalism behind TRACTOR BARN #2. We have a pretty good idea who is responsible. He's kind of our special needs comrade!

He actually built this barn without any help just 6 months ago. Two comrades have perished while using the structure since its completion. It was not over-engineered!

May

(PS - are you a married man?)
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Ok Kilroy, I shall accept your story that this was a sacrifice for the greater good...but you need extra shovel time. Pay it forward, Comrade!

Considering:

Good points, Mi!

As for Kilroy, a little healthy paranoia never hurt a comrade in good standing.

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Comrades - I'm not trying to start any trouble here...

...and this is just a question, but...

Has anyone seen Kilroy and El Presidente in the same beet field or together behind Tractor Barn #2™?

I have not!!

(Plus Kilroy is on the MoFo Mother Page first time out of the chute... I can't even find the Mother Page!)
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