New York State Senator Tony Avella (?-Queens)* has introduced legislation to ban the sale and possession of machetes.

NY SENATOR WHO PUSHED GUN CONTROL, NOW PUSHING MACHETE CONTROL

The move is widely denounced by Mullah Abdul Abu Graibas, spokesman for the Islamic State.

"This is clearly an attempt to deny us our religious and cultural rights," said Graibas, through an interpreter. "Today it is machetes, tomorrow it will be any form of long knife. This oppression must stop!"

He went on to point out the absolute cultural necessity of ritual beheading to the Islamic State, and the obvious difficulty of doing so without a knife of some kind.

When asked about the possibility of using an ax, he replied "The use of the ax to smite the neck of the infidel is haram; the ax is a Crusader weapon, and Muhammad, Peace be unto Him, did not use the ax to smite the infidel!"

Since the Islamic State is not currently conducting operations in New York, the validity of Mullah Graibas's charge has been called into question. However, top authorities agree that this is without doubt an attack on the Islamic State.

"This is rather obviously a hate crime," agreed Dr. Myron Cruikstaff, chairman of the Department of Social and Cultural Grievance at CUNY. "It is an attack on the cultural diversity of the city, and by extrapolation of all mankind."

He explained that the White-Hetero-Patrio-Christo-fascist "norms" foisted on society by Western Society are themselves a hate-crime.

"There is no difference between the Islamic State beheading Christians for being infidels and a Baptist preacher refusing to perform same-sex marriages," he intoned, "except that the Baptist preacher is committing a hate-crime against a group that has been historically marginalized while the Islamic State is merely defending their religious values from outside influences."

The Mullah is currently mulling a lawsuit against the state senator.

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*Since his political affiliation might damage a certain party that we strongly support, we have decided to let our readers decide if this senator is a saintly, progressive Democrat or a vile and hate-filled Republican. The editorial staff admits there was a bit of an amoral quandary in the pressroom over running with this story, but ultimately we decided that a story about poor innocent Muslims being oppressed by wicked and sinful American society was too important to ignore.

Actually comrade, Mexicans use this technology. Not only this is a Hate Crime, it is racist.

Ivan Betinov wrote:New York State Senator Tony Avella (?-Queens)* has introduced legislation to ban the sale and possession of machetes. ... The move is widely denounced by Mullah Abdul Abu Graibas, spokesman for the Islamic State.

"This is clearly an attempt to deny us our religious and cultural rights," said Graibas, through an interpreter. "Today it is machetes, tomorrow it will be any form of long knife. This oppression must stop!"...

I support Komrade Peoples Senator Avella, regardless of his party affiliation. Remember, the ends justify the means, even if the means violate the rights of muzlums who are oppressed viktims of unemployment and poverty. They are just going to have to understand that we all must make sacrifices for the "kommon good."

I believe the intent of Komrade Senator Avella is to give us a "common sense approach" to make us "safe." It's for "the children." I believe that the legislation should be revised to include not only machetes. It should include all sharp and pointed objects including letter openers, pencils, pens, screw drivers, steak knives and forks. Perhaps even blunt objects like hammers, baseball bats, lead pipe, etc.

Hail to the revolution, komrades! Forward!

Box-cutters, of course, will be exempt ... no?

RedDiaperette wrote:Box-cutters, of course, will be exempt ... no?

I suppose they could be exempted for now, but owners will be required to submit to "universal background checks," "permitting," and "registration." Komrade Glorious Leader will reassure them that if they like their box cutters they can keep 'em. Maybe a year down the road, the glorious government of the province of Newyorkistan can ban them. Box cutter owners will be given several months to turn them in to the local polizei station or else risk the possibility of having "militarized police" pay them the customary 3 a.m. visit.

Gummipuppe wrote:

RedDiaperette wrote:Box-cutters, of course, will be exempt ... no?

I suppose they could be exempted for now, but owners will be required to submit to "universal background checks," "permitting," and "registration." Komrade Glorious Leader will reassure them that if they like their box cutters they can keep 'em. Maybe a year down the road, the glorious government of the province of Newyorkistan can ban them. Box cutter owners will be given several months to turn them in to the local polizei station or else risk the possibility of having "militarized police" pay them the customary 3 a.m. visit.

What about safety pins? Are they exempt as well?

Hammer and Loupe wrote:
What about safety pins? Are they exempt as well?

Banned. Contrary to their name, they are not "safe." They're "cop killers." They are more dangerous than straight pins (which also must be banned) because they have a piece that covers the barrel of the pin and they can be stored in high capacity cough drop tins.

As you can see from the Michaelangelo's image above, Allah created man by giving him a machete. Without a machete, man is but a hollow vessel.

Furthermore, Allah dictated these instructions:

- Whoever is without a machete does not know Allah.
- If Allah gave us a machete, we must hack one another.
- If we hack one another, Allah remains in us, and his machete is brought to perfection in us.
- Allah is machete, and whoever hacks with machete remains in Allah and Allah in him.

And so on....

Gummipuppe wrote:

Hammer and Loupe wrote:
What about safety pins? Are they exempt as well?

[highlight=#ffff00]Banned. Contrary to their name, they are not "safe."[/highlight] They're "cop killers." They are more dangerous than straight pins (which also must be banned) because they have a piece that covers the barrel of the pin and they can be stored in high capacity cough drop tins.

Indeed safety-pins can be dangerous. However, just as an exception has been made by the People's TSA™ regarding the amount of baby formula/breast milk allowed under the liquid ban on flights, will there also be an exception for safety pins when required for baby diapers? (as well as adult diapers, where applicable). Or does the GloriousLeadercare™ mandate (that we use only eco-friendly disposable diapers such as Guvs™) remove the need for this exception?

Konservative_Punk wrote:...Indeed safety-pins can be dangerous. However, just as an exception has been made by the People's TSA™ regarding the amount of baby formula/breast milk allowed under the liquid ban on flights, will there also be an exception for safety pins when required for baby diapers? (as well as adult diapers, where applicable). Or does the GloriousLeadercare™ mandate (that we use only eco-friendly disposable diapers such as Guvs™) remove the need for this exception?

Unfortunately, komrade Punk, eco-friendly diapers are not "eco-friendly." This is because they carry methane-producing fecal matter. Methane is a green house gas that is destroying the planet's ozone layer. Same for other disposable and cloth diapers. If people kontinue to use diapers, and take dumps, the planet will be destroyed.

Rest assured. Komrade Glorious Leader is right now drafting an eksekutive order that will ban diapers and place restrictions and limits on defecation. Violations will result in fines that will be deducted by the Internal Revenue Sturmabteilung from income tax refunds as per the legal precident set by the Supreme Soviet in the glorious Obamacare case.

Hammer and Loupe wrote:Not only this is a Hate Crime, it is racist.

Has the People's Institute of Thought Crime Prevention considered the possible ramifications of the lost tax revenues and jobs for machete makers that would ensue from such a ban and the inevitable black market that would be sure to follow? We must ensure that quality-control practices are strictly adhered to. We cannot afford to have sub-standard grade machetes floating around in society. The potential for injuries caused by these black-market blades may be more numerous and gruesome than the ones resulting from the machetes which are currently approved for use by The Party™.

All machetes must be banned, confiscated and melted down to make more armored vehikles for the militarized NSA, TSA, IRS, EIEIO, sheriffs departments, and police departments across the motherland. This will truly make us "safe."

Gummipuppe wrote:...more dangerous than straight pins (which also must be banned) ...

They should be banned just for their blatant homophobia!

GUILTY!

Has this program been cleared through OSHA? The appropriate unions? And where is the environmental impact study? Tsk. A new agency must be instituted to investigate these matters. As always, I selflessly volunteer myself and my family and cronies highly experienced staff to administer same.

Comrades, this is indeed good news. We have overlooked the biggest win, win. The effective ban on these implements should also be extended beyond any sharp object, stepladders, hammers, and other dangerous implements. Removing these implements would prevent dangerous injuries and effectively lower healthcare costs to the state, our citizens and future children of whom we have yet to abort. Forward

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:

Gummipuppe wrote:...more dangerous than straight pins (which also must be banned) ...

They should be banned just for their blatant homophobia!

GUILTY!

Good point, komrade Stakhanovets. Not only dangerous, but haters as well. They should be immediately registered, banned, and confiscated.

BTW, Komrade Glorious Leader assures us that if we like our pushpins we can keep 'em.

RedDiaperette wrote:Has this program been cleared through OSHA? The appropriate unions? And where is the environmental impact study? Tsk. A new agency must be instituted to investigate these matters. As always, I selflessly volunteer myself and my family and cronies highly experienced staff to administer same.

Since this legislation was created in the province of NewYorkistan which is in lock-step with Komrade Glorious Leader's agenda, all arms of the party are onboard with it, including OSHA and the unions. Since the ends justify the means, no environmental impact study is required in this instance. Right now, Komrade Glorious Leader is planning a Machete and Sharp, Pointed Object Summit where participants will form break-out sessions to create an agency to investigate.

Red Square wrote:As you can see from the Michaelangelo's image above, Allah created man by giving him a machete. Without a machete, man is but a hollow vessel.

Once again proving that edumacation abounds on the Cube. And to think (something I tend to not do due to the health hazards associated with it) all of these years I believed it was a depiction of the original "pull my finger" joke.