Rumors are circulating that British-born ISIS beheading extraordinaire "Jihadi John", also known as Mohammed Emwazi, was killed in a U.S. drone strike. The Islamic State wishes to assure the public that such a preposterous thing could not possibly have occurred, and that his death was likely the result of a protest over a disgusting internet video.
Comrade StierlitzTHIS JUST IN: Investigators have found out upon review of his personal computer that Jihadi John cooperated closely with a Carlos Danger when planning his inductance into ISIS. No details have been released to the public as of this writing but this writer speculates that the Carlos Danger may have sent Jihadi John some incriminating photographs of his exploits in the middle east that inspired John to join him. Only time will tell what happens to John.
John has apparently assumed room temperature. The question of most import is, "Where in the World is Carlos Danger aka Carmen San Diego?"