Ever since the Republican annihilation in the 2012 elections, GOP insiders have been trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel at the bottom of the abyss. According to media experts, there is no hope left for the "Stupid Party" outside of begging for scraps from the triumphant progressive table.
"We need a way to be relevant in the Great Age of Obama," stated washed-out evil genius Karl Rove. "No thanks to the Tea Party, who turned us into an elephant's rump faction with such fringe notions as fiscal sanity."
"If we remain contrite, the Democrats might still let us run some sewerage authorities here and there," said Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, as he was emptying trash cans outside Harry Reid's office with the hope to earn a few minutes with Senate Majority Leader.
"I'm just happy Nancy Pelosi let me be House Speaker a while longer," said teary-eyed Rep. John Boehner (R-Nowhere). "I'd also like to express my gratitude to President Obama for exempting my tanning salon from total destruction by the PPACA."
Since the electoral wipeout, powerful intellects at non-partisan media bastions, such as the New York Times and MSNBC, have offered much-needed sound advice to the underdog party, lest the GOP leaders turn up at the pundits' favorite bistros begging for spare change.
Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell: "If
we remain contrite, the Democrats might still
let us run a couple of sewerage authorities.""They must become more moderate," wrote New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, his skull throbbing with unlimited brainpower. "On immigration, they must let in every undocumented Democrat who shows up in the back of a van in Texas, and then send the van back for more. On civil rights, they must forget about Voter ID and instead, allow multiple votes to people with no ID. On taxes and spending, they must tax and spend until the non-Democrat one-percenters cry 'Uncle Oyango!'"
"If they moderate their stances as I've suggested," Krugman sums up, "they may broaden their appeal and maybe win a few sewerage authority elections. But I doubt it."
Others put the Republican problem in starker terms. "They are just a party of white people" was the consensus among all the noted white people at both the New Republic and MSNBC.
However, David Brooks, a neoconservative commentator at The New York Times, believes the Republicans can easily get back in the game if they nominate Barack Obama as their 2016 Presidential candidate.
"Obama already has everything the Republicans lack - hipness, coolness, social media outreach, modern communications expertise, a huge database of supporters, a crackerjack campaign organization, and an unlimited supply of deep-pocketed donors," Brooks writes. "It would take the GOP decades to match any one of those. The failure of Romney's ORCA last fall shows how hopelessly behind they are."
A GOP insider, who wished to remain anonymous, agrees: "The media's love of Mr. Obama is worth ten points in and of itself. They loathe every single one of the GOP candidates - black, white, yellow, or brown - but they love Barack Obama. Republicans could never hope to close the gap working against such a cultural disadvantage, unless they choose Obama as their standard bearer. The media won't be able to turn against a candidate on whom they heaped approval for eight years. The public is stupid but not that stupid. The media are stupid but they're smart enough to know the public is not that stupid."
At the same time, the source dismissed the GOP's allegedly rising stars Rubio and Cruz as extremists: "The Tea Party is so 2010. Conservatism is stuck in the 20th century - haven't you been listening to the media? Republicans have got to moderate and Obama is the epitome of moderation. Even GOP stalwarts like Mike Bloomberg and Jon Huntsman say so."
"The voters having a choice between competing visions may be good in theory," he said, "but those whom they choose not to elect still have bills to pay and cronies to reward. They can't do that unless they control the spoils system, known to the low information types as 'the government'."
"It's fine to be standing for principles," the source continued, "but you can't eat principles at a five star restaurant. It all comes down to this: do you want to do the right thing or do you want to win?"
While according to the Constitution, Obama will no longer be eligible in 2016 after having served two terms, the GOP insider was hopeful: "After eight years of his presidency, do you really think anybody will care anymore what the Constitution says?"
The Amazing Bipartisan Elephant
Karl Rove in 2012 election: "The votes went thataway!"
"I call this one John Boehner"
I'm on travel so I don't have photoshop on my laptop. Can someone shop a pink tie on the elephant?
Obama and Boehner: the king and his fool
The problem, really, is our Constitution. I know, I know, and we have had many delightful and lubricated nights at the Rancho discussing it, reading it, cherishing it, and looking for loopholes.
Do you remember the time that we had each had eight Bloody Nanskis? We were, as you would expect, nearly seeing double. Which was a good thing, as I find out, because I didn't feel any guilt at all when I told Bruno that I saw the mailman leave a parcel in the mailbox on the road and didn't he order something from Victoria's Secret? Then he ran out, and I locked the door. For the next couple of hours, while we had a few more Bloody Nanskis, there was this gawdawful howling from the outside. Remember how we looked out and saw Bruno pawing at the turf, and howling at the moon in his peignoir? You know, the one with the empire waist (he informed that's pronounced "ahmPEER," the snotty bastard) that just squeezes out his chest hair?
Oh, that reminds me of a story about a time when our Many Titted Empress was at the Rancho but I'll save that for another time. I did find though, that if you can get our Empress Hillary on her back--not for THAT, for Lenin's sake--and tickle her side, she'll shake her leg like a dog and if you rub her belly, she'll go asleep like a horny toad. Which is good; it's saved my floors.
Ah. Back to the chase. We pored over the Constitution, and poured over it too, and finally realized that it was, if you believed it, rather air tight. Damn that bastard Madison. I recalled that Dr. Johnson, the old fraud with appalling judgment and shockingly clear sight, was presented with a piece of idiocy and asked to refute it. He kicked a stone. "I refute it thus."
So we closed one eye, each, and stumbled toward the door. Bruno came bounding in, with grass stains on his peignoir, and I did not choose to see which side they were on, for fear of a particularly libidinous jackrabbit in the neighborhood, and then we poured a whole pitcher of Bloody Nanskis down his throat.
It's hard to get him drunk because alcohol doesn't affect the thinking ability of muscle, only brain, and although he's got a 54" chest, he has a hat size of 7, and even that's generous. Takes a lot of hootch to get to the few brain cells which are not required for autonomic purposes. And the others, devoted to Streisand, Bette and Justin Beaver, were fried decades ago. (Justin is an overlay of his Patty Lupone-destroyed brain cells.)
Then I told him to put on his fuck-me stiletto pumps, with the lacy leather on the toe. You know, they scream, "Hello, SAILOR!" A cat in heat couldn't yowl more. But the point is the stiletto heels.
So we put the Constitution on the rug, and told Bruno to do "Tico Tico." I haven't posted this for a while, but this is a constant at the Rancho:
And Bruno, unconsciously following Dr. Johnson, completely shredded the Constitution.
Problem solved. Well, Ruth Buzzy Ginsberg told people not to model a new constitution on the one she swore to defend, but on the South African one, which doesn't have trial by jury, but by judge.
How wonderful. Cuts out that bit about peers, doesn't it?
1 part Stoli private reserve (aged under the Black Dolphin prison in Moscow)
3 parts blood of rich, white, Republican virgin girls. Blond a premium
1 dash Worchestershire sauce
Grating of stolen white truffle (it adds nothing but it expensive)
Sprinkling of yellow-cake uranium
Served with a side car of widows' tears.
This is only for True Progs. Normal people can have a Bloody Mary with
1 part Putinka vodka or antifreeze
3 parts juice of rotting tomatoes
garnish with twist of moldy potato, if you haven't eaten it all to survive.
http://www.americanthinker.com/cartoons ... be_27.html