Exemplary Letter to the Editor: 'More Modern Way of Living'

The following Letter to the Editor, published in the Jan. 23 edition of a North Carolina local paper and signed "PROUD TO BE A DEMOCRAT," has gone viral on the Web after a reader linked it to a Fox News Facebook page. It had received more than 4,000 comments and been shared more than 12,000 times by Tuesday morning.

Your letters could be just as popular too, if you learned to write and think like that.

This author doesn't just imitate the People's Cube - he/she/it practically lives inside of it!

Quote:

Beaufort, N.C.
Jan. 17, 2013

TO THE EDITOR:

Republicans and “so-called” conservatives are at it again. They are claiming that the Constitution gives people the right to have guns without the permission of the government. If that were true, then how could New York and Chicago have laws against it?
We Democrats are sick and tired of Republicans constantly using the Constitution to cover up their true plans, which are to make us all afraid of everyone else. Our great president came from a civilized part of the country where there is strict gun control, and he is only trying to bring the benefits of that more modern way of living to the rest of us. I don’t know the exact statistics, but I’m quite certain that Chicago is a lot safer that Morehead City, when it comes to gun violence.

But do Republicans and conservatives listen to the voice of reason? No, of course not. All they want to do is whine and complain about how gun control and wealth redistribution violate the Constitution, as if the Constitution were all that great, anyway. There are a lot of things that need to be changed about the Constitution, I’d say, and President Obama needs to change it.

The Republicans are just trying to stand in the way, because the president is black. They even dared to question whether he was born in this country. I think all this demonstrates that the Constitution needs to be amended when it comes to the qualifications for being president. Right now, it says that a person has to be 35 years old and be a natural born citizen. Well, that is obviously unfair because there are a great many otherwise qualified people who cannot run for president because their mothers had to have a C-section. But because the Constitution was written a hundred years ago, nobody even thought of the discrimination that would result from a doctor having to deliver a baby in this unnatural way. Now that we Democrats are in control of the government, that’s just one more thing we should change in our drive to make life fair.

Please withhold my name because I don’t want to get crank calls.

PROUD TO BE A DEMOCRAT~
We have obtained a photo of the actual paper:



Now, which one of you Cubists wrote this? Was it you, Pinkie?
 

We're still not sure if it was a serious letter or a spoof. Just in case, our old graphic that helps explain the phenomenon:


 

I think I have identified the comrade who wrote this letter:

Quote:

Why do they put "deer crossings" on the interstate instead of lightly-traveled roads?

“It seems to me that it’s so irresponsible of us to allow these deer crossings to be in an area where these deer are so likely to be struck by oncoming traffic,” she said. “Wouldn’t you agree?”


Finally, one host attempts to explain that the deer crossing signs aren’t strategically placed to encourage the animals to cross at a particular location. Instead, the signs serve as a warning to drivers to be cautious on roadways where deer populations are large.


This explanation was apparently lost on Donna, who makes it clear that she is operating under the assumption that deer do indeed heed directives on traffic signs. She then offered a solution to the deer crossing epidemic she believes is plaguing the upper Midwest.


Relocate the deer crossing signs to nearby schools, Donna said, so that both the animals and children can safely cross the road together.


“The government can direct the deer population anywhere they want to” she said. “All they have to do is move that deer crossing sign.”




I heard about this letter a few weeks ago when it was first published and the sentiment seemed to be evenly divided as to whether it was a satire or not. I think it is but I think a lot of people might fall for it.
 

That bit at the end about natural born citizens and C section birth gives it away. Nobody's that stupid and low information except Paul Krugman.
 

Well, there you go. Paul Krugman wrote it. Mystery solved!

It all makes sense now. Didn't he once say the prospect of an alien invasion was the perfect justification for more stimulus programs to rebuild our infrastructure to withstand an ID4 or War of the Worlds attack or some such blather? All the more reason to disarm the citizenry! For what's the point of all that anti-alien stimulus if we're well armed enough to take out the aliens before they can do much damage?

You gotta admit, I make just as much sense as anything he says.
 

Someone needs to get this Comrade by the scruff of the neck and duck-walk them off to Gulag for freely giving away Party secrets....

PROG/OFF

What worries me is that there are plenty more people that think exactly this way than many realize. They believe this stuff as vehemently as they believe in the Bush Family Evil Empire (BFEE), 911 Trufe, UFOs, mink liberation, and arson in the name of Gaia.

There simply is no reasoning with a moon unit whose starting position is anything resembling a rant like this one. The best thing to do is give them a "Gun Free" sign to hang in their window....
 

I've got it. We put up Obama crossing signs in high traffic areas and comrades of all persuasions will be encouraged to cross into oncoming traffic. Problem solved!
 

Commissar Wahoo

mink liberation...
LOL!
 

Beaufort, N.C.

But because the Constitution was written a hundred years ago, nobody even thought of the discrimination that would result from a doctor having to deliver a baby in this unnatural way."

Golly, Andy...I didn't know the Constitution was written in 1913. Is it really that old?
 

LONG LIVE LOW INFORMATION!
 

"I'm gonna sit wite down and wite myself a wetter, and make beweeve it came fwom you."

-Nat King Cole

 

Dibs!
 

Hey, you don't suppose that letter is actually one of those templates fromObama for America, Organizing for America, Oppressive Fucking Assholes,--oh hell, whatever it is they're calling it these days--but you know how OFA always wants the masses to make phone calls and knock on doors and write letters to the editor to promote Obama's agenda, and they always provide a script or sample letter of what you should say or write, because really, who among Obama's Witnesses could ever come up with anything even halfway coherent and persuasive on their own?
 

Bush's peoples are still following TPC and taking unauthorized photo's of our personage when we are not looking or are sleeping. I feel deprived spied upon!
Here is evidence that was sent to my secret email account at the gulag postal office -- see the photo of one of our comrades. He has deprived of constitutionally guaranteed rights to privacy of our privates. Be aware, comrades! (and I am thinking his private phone conversation was hacked on posted regarding his dear deer crossings! Yes??)


 

Fraulein Pulloskies,

I wonder...in the image you provided...is that dangling thingy a brain stem, or pull cord that activates the LIV?
 

I.M. Craptek

...is that dangling thingy a brain stem, or pull cord that activates the LIV?
Comrade Craptek, I looked up your acronym and found a long list of definitions. At this point it can mean anything. What's your pick?

LIV Legislative Indexing Vocabulary
LIV Light Current Voltage
LIV Leipziger Informatik-Verbund
LIV Low-Information Voter (political science)
LIV Lunar and Interplanetary Vehicle
LIV Landstinget I Varmland (Swedish)
Liv Livonian (linguistics)
LIV Law Institute of Victoria (Australia)
LIV Livermore, California (border patrol sector)
 

I vote for das Livermore, CA as the most likely candidate.
 

I.M. Craptek

Fraulein Pulloskies,

I wonder...in the image you provided...is that dangling thingy a brain stem, or pull cord that activates the LIV?
dearest comrade Craptek, I am simply your lowly poster of all things photogenic -- it is above my paygrade as Fraulein of the Peoples Gulag, to know or be knowing of answers. I am thinking it is unnecessary for loyal Democratic voters to have use of any brain, stem or thought processes, since we are duty bound and gulag bound, to vote Democrat! What use is there in thinking? et and all, therefore: no need for the brain or stem or roots or whatever. That could be his personal LIV - lizard in vitro, for all I am knowing.
 

I need less information in order to vote again - Light Current Voltage? no, Livonian Intra Venously? I can no longer cast a vote well.
 

Licentious Indiscriminate Vagabond
 

I must add comrades that it really depends on where you come from when you try to understand those 3 letters.


In the southern parts of the USSA it stands for:

Louscious

Inbred

Vaginas
 

Comrades -

LIV is shorthand for the more technically accurate scientific term "labefaction initiating vacuole". (a brain structure in lower primates) In non-technical terms, "low information voter". Pulling gently on the subjects "chain" initiates a sudden discharge of guilt inducing thoughts accompanied by mild dizziness and an overwhelming desire to comply with Party directives. Sorry for the confusion. I thought this was common knowledge.
 

Great, comrade Craptek, now I have WAY too much information and am incapable of voting on anything.
 

Once I got off the floor about the bit about the C-Section, I re-read the article and noticed this.

I don’t know the exact statistics, but I’m quite certain that Chicago is a lot safer that Morehead City, when it comes to gun violence.

For sheer stupidity,IMHO this tops the bit about the C-section. Has this person seen how many people get shot in Chicago in a day? More people are gonna get shot this weekend in Chi-Town than died at Sandy Hook. How can they honestly say their town (or any other town) is safer? More Americans got shot in the Windy City last year than died in Afganistan. Low information does not begin to scratch the surface as to how dumb this person is. And yes, I do believe this was written by a real Democrat. I am around a lot writers all day long and they would kill to write something this funny.