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Captain Craptek and the Show Trial of Tomorrow

POLL: Captain Craptek is

Poll ended at 1/25/2016, 9:02 am

Guilty
20
59%
Not Guilty
14
41%

TOTAL VOTES: 34

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Show_Trial_Craptek.jpg
This thread will be the where we gather evidence, accusations, and witnesses as we give Comrade Craptek his chance to prove his innocence or the prosecutors a chance to get the hammer down on criminals. Here the people shall know the Current Truth.

I volunteer for Judge.

SEE BACKGROUND HERE

Jump to next trial.

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I will volunteer myself to be on the defense for the prosecution team, as there's no telling how many vicious attacks will emanate from the denounced squirrel. I have no evidence yet to present as most of it was stolen from me (presumably by Craptek), but I still have a pile of boxes in the back room that may contain incriminating pictures of him acting against the Party Interests™, as well as some yoga pictures and maybe even some that include a little bit of both.

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Comrades, I wish to introduce into evidence a photograph I took in my back yard recently.

As you can see, Captain Craptek is completely innocent. He never even noticed that there was a bird feeder next to him.

5256-Fox Squirrel 1.jpg

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Captain Craptek, I expect an alibi from you.

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I will distribute the People's Popcorn and collect donations for the Party.

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Who is bringing the charges? Where is the prosecuting team? Cannot proceed further without them.


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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Who is bringing the charges? Where is the prosecuting team? Cannot proceed further without them.
Sentence first, charges afterward.


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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Do we have a lawyer for the accused?
Maybe May?

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Captain Craptek and the Showtrial of the Future? Will we have rocket ships and ray guns? Can I be the spunky sidekick Lester, the Boy Genius who builds all kind of cool prototype gizmos for Cap'n Craptek, Scourge of the Spaceways?

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I shall make myself available to the highest bidder.

Ok, maybe someone still has a copy of the pictures from THAT night that we don't talk about in polite company. I'll sign up on that team.


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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:I shall make myself available to the highest bidder.

Ok, maybe someone still has a copy of the pictures from THAT night that we don't talk about in polite company. I'll sign up on that team.

Just to be sure, do you mean the pictures from THIS party?

[ivanbentover.jpg has been redacted from The People's Server by order of the Party Director]

Would anyone like to see more, or has Ivan made up his mind?


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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Captain Craptek, I expect an alibi from you.

Sorry Comrade Hammer - My hearing and vision are,.. well,.. beginning to fade in my old age. I beg your forgiveness... brrrrrrrrr....it's freezing out here tonight. I certainly hope you and your wonderful family are warm and comfortable. I'll be off now...time to gather more beets for supper.

Your good buddy

CC

Poor-Craptek.jpg

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Nice performance, Craptek. But the Motherland distrusts tears.

Moscow_Distrusts_Tears.jpg
If you're hoping for the Oscar, you've chosen the wrong year, unless you're white and human. But you're a self-described red squirrel. Maybe if you hurry and change your self-identification to "human" you may still have a chance.

Now, back to business.

I nominate Ivan the Stakhanovets for People's Prosecutor as soon as he sobers up.

I volunteer as a witness, confirming the abundant evidence found on this thread, which started as a modest celebration of Lenin's life and ended with a disastrous discovery of fraud, corruption, theft and embezzlement.

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Hello Komrades.
(Minus Comrade Craptek)

It has come to my attention that Comrade Craptek is trying to bribe potential jurors in the midst of his upcoming show trial. I have already collected two attempts of bribery on two different discussions on this organ:

Captain Craptek wrote:
Ivan Betinov wrote:Captain Craptek and the Showtrial of the Future? Will we have rocket ships and ray guns? Can I be the spunky sidekick Lester, the Boy Genius who builds all kind of cool prototype gizmos for Cap'n Craptek, Scourge of the Spaceways?

Comrade Betinov! My dear friend - how are things in your world jar lately? All's going well I trust? And, incidentally, that's a wonderful summary of the latest Tinsel Town buffoonery you just posted above. Superb.

BTW: I understand you have an urge to help the ol'Captain at his little event tomorrow if, say, he were to promise you a new ray gun and your own rocket ship. Just a passing thought.

Captain Craptek wrote:
Pamalinsky wrote:
Captain Craptek wrote:
Comrades,

Thank you,.... thank you....There were those who said my acting seemed dull, lifeless, and flat - but my thanks go out to Comrade Putout for setting them straight. At least someone around here appreciates me.

Still Alive

Well, so do I, Comrade Craptek1 Whaddabout meee?
I have a presser arranged to show my solidarity with Squirell Lives Matter.
They're waiting for me! I know I can count on you for a public fist bump on this. Right?
Oops, gotta go! XXOO!

Dearest and Faithful Friend Pammie,

You might want to stop by this thread tomorrow and put in a good word for the ol'Captain before they liquidate put me on trial. What-da-ya-say?

Please do not listen to the furry bastard, he is simply trying to buy his way out of his trial the same way that Kapitalist bastards buy their way out of trials. He is an enemy of the state and must be avoided, trialed, charged, and sent to the Gulags at all costs. We must rise up against him, he could have been present at our Glorious Lenin Shindig, but no,he couldn't be there. He couldn't have been working, the state bans all work on that day. He was slacking off and wasn't celebrating in the approved way. He must pay for this.

I would also say to Comrades Ivan Betinov and Pamalinsky that you mustn't listen to their lies. Get an emergency reeducation done down at the local Jiffy-Lobo, you'll need it.

Thank you for your time,
~Comrade Stierlitz

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Comrade Stierlitz, I have read your report. I found that it is not a bribe, but it will be archived for later just in case there are any favors after trial. The jury will vote on the 24th.

I just love a show trial! The fancy dresses, ditching the kids with a babysitter, three hours of gawdawful caterwauling the wonderful songs, the (deleted) afterward ... I just love a show trial.

CraptekBroDown.jpg

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[color=#C0392B]My, my... how Comrade Stierlitz enjoyed himself when he[/color] wrote:Hello Komrades.
(Minus Comrade Craptek)

[highlight=#ffff00]It has come to my attention that Comrade Craptek is trying to bribe potential jurors in the midst of his upcoming show trial. I have already collected two attempts of bribery on two different discussions[/highlight] <snip>

[highlight=#ffff00]He is an enemy of the state and must be avoided, trialed, charged, and sent to the Gulags at all costs.[/highlight] <snip>

[highlight=#ffff00]I would also say to Comrades Ivan Betinov and Pamalinsky that you mustn't listen to their lies. Get an emergency reeducation done down at the local Jiffy-Lobo, you'll need it.[/highlight] <snip>

Hi Comrade Stierlitz,

I certainly hope you had a good time at the party. I know I did. What's that comrade - you say I wasn't there... tsk,..tsk,...Sir,... If I wasn't there, how do I know where you hid Leader Red Square's briefcase containing his pen and a phone, blank signed stationery with executive orders, and compromising materials on all party members? Hmmmmmmm? I must admit, though, I'm doubtful you stole his nuts.

And the case of The People's Beet Vodka that's still missing - Oh, yes,...we know where it's hiding,... don't we comrade? Gosh, it'd be a terrible crime against The Party if someone buried it in a field and didn't tell Ivan. Anyway, I'm sure you'll come across it soon and turn it over to the proper authorities.

Oh, well... it's getting late and I wouldn't want to miss my execution in the morning. So, I'll bid you good evening. Hopefully, they won't come for you during the night and drag you away screaming - I hate it when they do that, don't you?

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Captain Craptek wrote:
[color=#C0392B]My, my... how Comrade Stierlitz enjoyed himself when he[/color] wrote:Hello Komrades.
(Minus Comrade Craptek)

[highlight=#ffff00]It has come to my attention that Comrade Craptek is trying to bribe potential jurors in the midst of his upcoming show trial. I have already collected two attempts of bribery on two different discussions[/highlight] <snip>

[highlight=#ffff00]He is an enemy of the state and must be avoided, trialed, charged, and sent to the Gulags at all costs.[/highlight] <snip>

[highlight=#ffff00]I would also say to Comrades Ivan Betinov and Pamalinsky that you mustn't listen to their lies. Get an emergency reeducation done down at the local Jiffy-Lobo, you'll need it.[/highlight] <snip>

Hi Comrade Stierlitz,

I certainly hope you had a good time at the party. I know I did. What's that comrade - you say I wasn't there... tsk,..tsk,...Sir,... If I wasn't there, how do I know where you hid Leader Red Square's briefcase containing his pen and a phone, blank signed stationery with executive orders, and compromising materials on all party members? Hmmmmmmm? I must admit, though, I'm doubtful you stole his nuts.

And the case of The People's Beet Vodka that's still missing - Oh, yes,...we know where it's hiding,... don't we comrade? Gosh, it'd be a terrible crime against The Party if someone buried it in a field and didn't tell Ivan. Anyway, I'm sure you'll come across it soon and turn it over to the proper authorities.

Oh, well... it's getting late and I wouldn't want to miss my execution in the morning. So, I'll bid you good evening. Hopefully, they won't come for you during the night and drag you away screaming - I hate it when they do that, don't you?

You wanna add a defamation charge too, huh? You ARE a glutton for punishment, aren't you?

Notice by my posts on the page of the party that I was the only one sober. I was tasked with the duty of explaining to passing Komissars what was happening and to say that this was a Direktor-sponsored event. I couldn't have been sober. However, you were. If you were also sober it you haven't come forward with this information and it is off the record as of now. Your statements, therefore, must be interpreted as being observed under the influence of alcohol. If you were drunk there's no way you could have been making conscious decisions or observations. Therefore, how can your testimony be trusted?

You're simply trying to shift the blame of your crimes on me. Sure, I've made a couple petty crimes, like everyone else has, but nothing as heinous as your crimes of treason! You just hate being told the truth. See how I presented facts both in my original and in this post, whereas you didn't come forth with any evidence at all. The evidence points to you, Komrade, I wasn't the one begging for tampered testimonies.

I've always been loyal to the party, I've always known of it's glorious means of swift reproduction. I knew that if the Direktor's pen, phone, blank stationery, and documents were stolen, they would all be replaced, seeing as the Ministry of Plenty makes sure there is plenty for all, from the lowly farm worker to the Direktor himself. I guess you didn't know this, seeing as your little escapade did nothing to interrupt the Kube except trigger a Show Trial.

The Direktor has suspected you from the very beginning, and seeing as he has access to secret intelligence that we can only dream of having, I say that he's in the right. You will be sent to the northernmost Gulag for this, you may even be airdropped into the arctic to die.

Something tells me you stole the materials AND the vodka, buried them in one of your secret little acorn hiding spots, and invented this story to frame me and to disrupt and delay the investigation. I could never have dug a hole, the ground was frozen that night. I would have required pickaxes to break through the ice. And, even then, I still wouldn't have been able to bury the paraphernalia under any sort of secure layer of dirt, the dirt would have been like rubble. But your squirrel instincts allow you to dig holes in all conditions. You have a leg up on me and could have buried the paraphernalia without trouble.

Plus, why would I have buried the things? I would've returned them to the Bureau for sending back to the Dirketor's office, and if they were in the office I would have left them alone, if I could get into the office. Now we know how you hid the stuff, and we'll be looking day and night with metal detectors and ground-penetrating radar to find it.

I hope you enjoy the additional charges of defamation, obstruction of justice, and fraud.

And "The People's" brand? Puh-leeze. It's like making love in a canoe; it's fucking close to water! I enjoy an import called "Lenin's Piss" made by one of our satellite states in the east. Costs more ration stamps but you DEFINITELY get more for your stamp.

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Soon to be X-Comrade Stierlitz,

Comrade Putout, acting as my official barrister and personal seamstress, will disabuse you of your fallacious, hangover-induced reasoning during the trial. I suggest you get a good night's sleep comrade - after a lengthy (but pleasant) train journey you'll need all your strength to cultivate the endless rows of beet plants springing from the frozen tundra of Gulag #4N.

Craptek-Defense-Team.jpg

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The People shall vote for today. In the beginning of this thread will be a place where the votes will be counted. You must convince the people to get on your side.

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My problem with Captain Craptek is that he drinks too much Stoli and apparently corrupted GAIA into supporting his habits way back during the Blizzard of 2014:


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Also, Captain Craptek also seems to keep bad company (especially during blizzards like the one we're now enduring thanks to Global Warming):

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And, he continually tries to stay close to the quite-subversive and incorrigible Comrade Putout (for obvious reasons), which helps explain why he may want her to be his defense counsel (also for two obviously good reasons).


But, he is after all, the only squirrel who came back from the dead after having been electrocuted:

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But then he tried to spread Bubonic Plague in California:

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Who knows what Craptek is capable of doing?

He's already seduced GAIA into drinking Stoli with him (and thereby ignoring her duties to Al Gore by allowing the Blizzard of 2014 and now the Blizzard of 2016), continually tried to share his nuts (the People's nuts) with the infamous Putout, sabotaged the nuclear power station serving the Peoples Republic of Northern Virginia, returned from the dead, tried to spread disease and pestilence in California (our beloved Left Coast), etc.

I fear that we just have no way of knowing (and no way of noing) what he's likely to do next.

If we allow a squirrel to escape the purge, what's next-- beavers?

--KOOK

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Red Square wrote: I nominate Ivan the Stakhanovets for People's Prosecutor as soon as he sobers up.
This will be a walk in the park.

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A potential jury member, a Miss Pamalinsky, demonstrates her desire and qualifications to participate in '
The Show Trial.'

She was excused...
.

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Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:
Red Square wrote: I nominate Ivan the Stakhanovets for People's Prosecutor as soon as he sobers up.
[highlight=#ffff00]This will be a walk in the park.[/highlight]

Would that be Central Park, NYC? At 3AM? I'll be watching you Comrade Ivan, alias Comrade T, aka "The Stak"- prepare yourself for the unmasking of Stierlitz and his diabolical pact with The People's Enemy - the odious D. McTrump! Put THAT in your flask and slurp it!

OneForTheRoad.jpg

Ah! I see Barrister Putout has arrived. I must have a word with her before your final destruction.

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As an unbiased witness, I would like to add this disturbing security camera footage to the pile of compromising materials.

Squirrel_Criminal_Laugh.png
In this screenshot, Craptek is clearly seen laughing at the People's justice system a moment before he disappeared with a stolen briefcase containing a pen and a phone, blank signed stationeries with executive orders, and compromising materials on every People's Cube member, all of which later resurfaced at the Iowa headquarters of the People's Enemy McTrump. A search under Craptek's bed uncovered an unregistered email server with filed serial numbers. The insides of the server contained a lot of dirt and some nut shells.

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Our most honorable [color=#C0392B]Red Square[/color] wrote:As an unbiased witness...

I would like to point out that 'unbiased witness' Director Red Square is also acting as Judge Red Square!

And I couldn't help but notice that a very recent new member, Comandante Cero,
.

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has joined the defense team!

Yes... it is Comandante Cero without a beard!!

I am concerned for Captain Craptek's freedom!
.

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I wish to submit the following Friend of the Court document into evidence, Your Honor... and while I'm at it, just exactly where is this "Stierlitz" fellow anyway?

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I have cast my Jury vote and thus equalized the votes to 6-Guilty, 6-Non-guilty. I move that we create a temporary law banning the casting of non-guilty votes.

Captain Craptek wrote:I wish to submit the following Friend of the Court document into evidence, Your Honor... and while I'm at it, just exactly where is this "Stierlitz" fellow anyway?

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You squirrely bastard, I've been here in the shadows (the lightbulb's out in my section of the jury box)! Surely your Italian friend would've known this, he seems like he has a lot of experience with shadows. And shadowy figures such as yourself!

And it isn't me who you should be talkin' to. I'm just a loyal Komrade under the direction of Direktor Square. Just cause I'm on the front line of this battle, which will end in crushing defeat for you, doesn't mean that I know everything. I just take my orders and do them.

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This is all so disheartening. i'm at my wit's end seeing little Craptek like this. Can we please get this trial over with and shoot him already. I need to get back on with my life.

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Red Square wrote:As an unbiased witness, I would like to add this disturbing security camera footage to the pile of compromising materials.

Squirrel_Criminal_Laugh.png
In this screenshot, Craptek is clearly seen laughing at the People's justice system a moment before he disappeared with a stolen briefcase containing a pen and a phone, blank signed stationeries with executive orders, and compromising materials on every People's Cube member, all of which later resurfaced at the Iowa headquarters of the People's Enemy McTrump. A search under Craptek's bed uncovered an unregistered email server with filed serial numbers. The insides of the server contained a lot of dirt and some nut shells.

Hmmm... Interesting... He was not wearing shoes at the time?

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:I have cast my Jury vote and thus equalized the votes to 6-Guilty, 6-Non-guilty. I move that we create a temporary law banning the casting of non-guilty votes.

Captain Craptek wrote:I wish to submit the following Friend of the Court document into evidence, Your Honor... and while I'm at it, just exactly where is this "Stierlitz" fellow anyway?



You squirrely bastard, I've been here in the shadows (the lightbulb's out in my section of the jury box)! Surely your Italian friend would've known this, he seems like he has a lot of experience with shadows. And shadowy figures such as yourself!

And it isn't me who you should be talkin' to. I'm just a loyal Komrade under the direction of Direktor Square. Just cause I'm on the front line of this battle, which will end in crushing defeat for you, doesn't mean that I know everything. I just take my orders and do them.

Court clerk, please write that ultraviolet bulbs are not the best light bulbs in the jury box.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:I have cast my Jury vote and thus equalized the votes to 6-Guilty, 6-Non-guilty. I move that we create a temporary law banning the casting of non-guilty votes.

[highlight=#FFFF00]You squirrely bastard[/highlight], I've been here in the shadows (the lightbulb's out in my section of the jury box)! Surely your [highlight=#FFFF00]Italian friend[/highlight] would've known this, he seems like he [highlight=#FFFF00]has a lot of experience with shadows[/highlight]. And shadowy figures such as yourself!

And it isn't me who you should be talkin' to. I'm just a loyal Komrade under the direction of Direktor Square. Just cause I'm on the front line of this battle, which will end in crushing defeat for you, doesn't mean that I know everything.[highlight=#FFFF00] I just take my orders and do them[/highlight].

Now you've gone and hurt my feelings! I shall sue for everything you've ever robbed from fellow comrades or stolen from Ivan's party during your drunken criminal escapades! You sir, are toast!

For the Children.jpg

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Margaret wrote:This is all so disheartening. i'm at my wit's end seeing little Craptek like this. [highlight=#ffff00]Can we please get this trial over with and shoot him already.[/highlight] I need to get back on with my life.

Thanks for the help Margaret. You're sweet.

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Captain Craptek wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:I have cast my Jury vote and thus equalized the votes to 6-Guilty, 6-Non-guilty. I move that we create a temporary law banning the casting of non-guilty votes.

[highlight=#FFFF00]You squirrely bastard[/highlight], I've been here in the shadows (the lightbulb's out in my section of the jury box)! Surely your [highlight=#FFFF00]Italian friend[/highlight] would've known this, he seems like he [highlight=#FFFF00]has a lot of experience with shadows[/highlight]. And shadowy figures such as yourself!

And it isn't me who you should be talkin' to. I'm just a loyal Komrade under the direction of Direktor Square. Just cause I'm on the front line of this battle, which will end in crushing defeat for you, doesn't mean that I know everything.[highlight=#FFFF00] I just take my orders and do them[/highlight].

Now you've gone and hurt my feelings! I shall sue for everything you've ever robbed from fellow comrades or stolen from Ivan's party during your drunken criminal escapades! You sir, are toast!

For the Children.jpg

Oh great, now you're using religious emblems and golden rings, the former of which is banned and the later of which is only available to Komissars. Which you aren't. So now not only have you committed treason, defamation, and conspiracy, now you've committed theft and thoughtkrime! You'll be toast, no wait, you'll be ice, you dirty, filthy, stinky, bastard squirrel!

Captain Craptek wrote:
Margaret wrote:This is all so disheartening. i'm at my wit's end seeing little Craptek like this. Can we please get this trial over with and shoot him already. I need to get back on with my life.

Thanks for the help Margaret. You're sweet.

Oh great, trying to win over the jury are we? using those hyper-emotional arguments won't get you anywhere except a concrete room! FACTS Craptek, WE THE STATE have them, YOU DON'T! You don't have any facts so now you have to resort to petty emotional appeals. You aren't fooling anybody by trying to blind them with happiness. Only the state can blind people with happiness! Do you think yourself an appropriate substitute for the state!? HUH!? BECAUSE YOU AREN'T! Not only are you insane, you're also an impersonator of the State, and that is a crime worse than treason. It's enough cause for exile to the Arctic.

Listen you bastard squirrel. You WILL die in the Gulags. The State has made it so. This trial is merely a show, your fate is set in stone. No matter what the votes say, they WILL be edited to reflect the State's true intentions and what the people actually want. You see, the little people such as yourself cannot comprehend the Show Trial. You think you actually have a choice and a chance, HAH! No, the State is the only one with the choice, and it is not giving you a chance. Go ahead and kick and scream as much as you want, but keep in mind that those are merely death throes. Goodbye squirrel, it has not been nice knowing you, and I hope your frozen carcass is never found.

May your family also take pity upon you. Normally they'd be detained also, but they have suffered enough and will not be detained. They will be moved from that tree you call a home into an actual home, a class B apartment. We have already shown them their new home and they love it. They're living in it right now, and your former home is now uprooted and is being used as firewood in the People's Direktor's Palace. Your property has also been transferred into the State's impoundment facility and will soon be broken up, shredded, compacted into blocks and sunken into the sea. And don't cry 'Pollution!", they're specially treated so that they will help the ocean and other blocks of the same kind are currently being used as artificial reefs.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Captain Craptek wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:I have cast my Jury vote and thus equalized the votes to 6-Guilty, 6-Non-guilty. I move that we create a temporary law banning the casting of non-guilty votes.

[highlight=#FFFF00]You squirrely bastard[/highlight], I've been here in the shadows (the lightbulb's out in my section of the jury box)! Surely your [highlight=#FFFF00]Italian friend[/highlight] would've known this, he seems like he [highlight=#FFFF00]has a lot of experience with shadows[/highlight]. And shadowy figures such as yourself!

And it isn't me who you should be talkin' to. I'm just a loyal Komrade under the direction of Direktor Square. Just cause I'm on the front line of this battle, which will end in crushing defeat for you, doesn't mean that I know everything.[highlight=#FFFF00] I just take my orders and do them[/highlight].

Now you've gone and hurt my feelings! I shall sue for everything you've ever robbed from fellow comrades or stolen from Ivan's party during your drunken criminal escapades! You sir, are toast!

For the Children.jpg

Oh great, now you're using religious emblems and golden rings, the former of which is banned and the later of which is only available to Komissars. Which you aren't. So now not only have you committed treason, defamation, and conspiracy, now you've committed theft and thoughtkrime! You'll be toast, no wait, you'll be ice, you dirty, filthy, stinky, bastard squirrel!

Captain Craptek wrote:
Margaret wrote:This is all so disheartening. i'm at my wit's end seeing little Craptek like this. Can we please get this trial over with and shoot him already. I need to get back on with my life.

Thanks for the help Margaret. You're sweet.

Oh great, trying to win over the jury are we? using those hyper-emotional arguments won't get you anywhere except a concrete room! FACTS Craptek, WE THE STATE have them, YOU DON'T! You don't have any facts so now you have to resort to petty emotional appeals. You aren't fooling anybody by trying to blind them with happiness. Only the state can blind people with happiness! Do you think yourself an appropriate substitute for the state!? HUH!? BECAUSE YOU AREN'T! Not only are you insane, you're also an impersonator of the State, and that is a crime worse than treason. It's enough cause for exile to the Arctic.

Listen you bastard squirrel. You WILL die in the Gulags. The State has made it so. This trial is merely a show, your fate is set in stone. No matter what the votes say, they WILL be edited to reflect the State's true intentions and what the people actually want. You see, the little people such as yourself cannot comprehend the Show Trial. You think you actually have a choice and a chance, HAH! No, the State is the only one with the choice, and it is not giving you a chance. Go ahead and kick and scream as much as you want, but keep in mind that those are merely death throes. Goodbye squirrel, it has not been nice knowing you, and I hope your frozen carcass is never found.

May your family also take pity upon you. Normally they'd be detained also, but they have suffered enough and will not be detained. They will be moved from that tree you call a home into an actual home, a class B apartment. We have already shown them their new home and they love it. They're living in it right now, and your former home is now uprooted and is being used as firewood in the People's Direktor's Palace. Your property has also been transferred into the State's impoundment facility and will soon be broken up, shredded, compacted into blocks and sunken into the sea. And don't cry 'Pollution!", they're specially treated so that they will help the ocean and other blocks of the same kind are currently being used as artificial reefs.

Interesting Comrade Stierlitz, but as a juror you should not talk to the defense or we will consider you as working with the defense.

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Interesting Comrade Stierlitz, but as a juror you should not talk to the defense or we will consider you as working with the defense.

Ah yes, thank you for the heads-up. My passion for the state sometimes leaks out in situations. Plus, a guy's gotta protect his own reputation, y'know? Can't have a criminal spreading fishy rumours about you.

Although, I am glad to see that Guilty is currently leading with 9.

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Good Lenin, Sterlitz! Why the hostility? This is a slam-dunk, the rodent will spend his days (the ones he can't afford to buy early release for) in a gulag. Nothing to fear there. Save the anger and resentment for Rethuglikkkans and millionaires and billionaires, they need work.

We can find Craptek guilty on Monday morning and use HIS ration cards to pay for OUR lunch while he's waiting for a train. No muss, no fuss!

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After shifting through the assorted boxes of yoga photos and Party Members in compromising positions (lesser eyes would be blinded by now), I've finally come across the piece of evidence we need to convict this squirrel.

SECRETLYDOCTOREDPHOTOGRAPH#11657.jpg

As you can clearly see in this photo, Craptek has been previously caught stealing rations from the People's Storehouse. But not only that, if you look closely, you may be able to see the piece of evidence we've been looking for the entire time. Don't see it?

ENHANCE.png

By using advanced Peoplezoom™ technology, we were able to make out the text.

SECRETLYDOCTOREDPHOTOGRAPH#11657 zoom.jpg

It is clear that he has already violated party rules by stealing important Party documents, but taking the people's rations that he was explicitly denied access to? This is merely another nail in the coffin (which we won't be making for him due to a recent mini-coffin shortage).

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Comrade Craptek, you can reach a settlement with the prosecutors. I am sure they are willing to reach an agreement.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Interesting Comrade Stierlitz, but as a juror you should not talk to the defense or we will consider you as working with the defense.

Ah yes, thank you for the heads-up. My passion for the state sometimes leaks out in situations. Plus, a guy's gotta protect his own reputation, y'know? Can't have a criminal spreading fishy rumours about you.

Although, I am glad to see that Guilty is currently leading with 9.

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If this is going to be a jury trial, I think we need to take the Oscars as an abject lesson. At least half of the jurors need to be jurors of color, and their votes need to count as three votes each. If they are guilty votes, that is, because that squirrel is guilty as Hell. Whatever the charges.

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:Comrade Craptek, you can reach a settlement with the prosecutors. I am sure they are willing to reach an agreement.

Comrades,

OK - I'm willing to concede,... it was Stierlitz. I've tried to protect him up till now, but I see there's no point in kidding myself. He's the one! He made me eat the bag of People's Beet Ration™. But I didn't want to.

I hope Comrade Hammer & Loupe doesn't release the names and addresses of all the comrades
voting in his Show Trial Poll. What could happen to the ones who voted inkorrektly?

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Captain Craptek wrote:
I hope Comrade Hammer & Loupe doesn't release the names and addresses of all the comrades
voting in his Show Trial Poll. What could happen to the ones who voted inkorrektly?

Don't worry comrade, the state never releases names and addresses. They are all locked up.

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Captain Craptek wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:Comrade Craptek, you can reach a settlement with the prosecutors. I am sure they are willing to reach an agreement.

Comrades,

OK - I'm willing to concede,... it was Stierlitz. I've tried to protect him up till now, but I see there's no point in kidding myself. He's the one! H[highlight=#ffff00]e made me eat the bag of People's Beet Ration™. But I didn't want to. [/highlight]

I hope Comrade Hammer & Loupe doesn't release the names and addresses of all the comrades
voting in his Show Trial Poll. What could happen to the ones who voted inkorrektly?

DISCLAIMER
: I'm not part of the defense nor prosecution. I am a juror.

You squirrel whore! That's how we can tell you're lying! That is a CARDBOARD BOX! just look at the material beneath the ink! You ever heard of a cardboard bag?

And I'm not obsessed. My reputation is important, it's how I convert people over to the Kubist way, and if I have a bad one that's caused by rumors I can't perform my state-issued duty as well as I can.

Quit with the rumors and fess up, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Captain Craptek wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:Comrade Craptek, you can reach a settlement with the prosecutors. I am sure they are willing to reach an agreement.

Comrades,

OK - I'm willing to concede,... it was Stierlitz. I've tried to protect him up till now, but I see there's no point in kidding myself. He's the one! H[highlight=#ffff00]e made me eat the bag of People's Beet Ration™. But I didn't want to. [/highlight]

I hope Comrade Hammer & Loupe doesn't release the names and addresses of all the comrades
voting in his Show Trial Poll. What could happen to the ones who voted inkorrektly?

DISCLAIMER
: I'm not part of the defense nor prosecution. I am a juror.

You squirrel whore! That's how we can tell you're lying! [highlight=#FFFF00]That is a CARDBOARD BOX! just look at the material beneath the ink! You ever heard of a cardboard bag?[/highlight]

And I'm not obsessed. My reputation is important, it's how I convert people over to the Kubist way, and if I have a bad one that's caused by rumors I can't perform my state-issued duty as well as I can.

Quit with the rumors and fess up, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Yo! Stierlitz! Ever hear of a box filled with bags of People's Beet Ration™ chips? Putz!

User avatar
Ivan Betinov wrote:If this is going to be a jury trial, I think we need to take the Oscars as an abject lesson. [highlight=#ffff00]At least half of the jurors need to be jurors of color[/highlight], and their votes need to count as three votes each. If they are guilty votes, that is, because that squirrel is guilty as Hell. Whatever the charges.
Does tabby count as a color?


CraptekGoesNutsOver.jpg

And this news just in here at the news desk. CBS's Charles Collingwood has the story.

"In an astounding display of apparently genuine emotion, Captain Craptek is reported to have gone nuts over hsstt pssssssh ..."

We'll have the rest of that story when we can reconnect with Charles.

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The election at the top: is that the popular vote, or have we gone straight to the electoral college results?

The majority of the attendees of Electoral College were advised to check their privilege and attend mandatory suggested sensitivity classes, so it may be a while.


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Comrade Red Square, I would like to see the brief case of the accused.

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Craptek delivering merciful justice to a previous scapegoat convicted enemy of the state.Image

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Lev, I have long pondered the British expression of being "caught in a cleft stick." Thank you for this interesting and informative illustration of the principle.

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Comrade Sovremennyy wrote:After shifting through the assorted boxes of yoga photos and Party Members in compromising positions (lesser eyes would be blinded by now), I've finally come across the piece of evidence we need to convict this squirrel.

The attachment SECRETLYDOCTOREDPHOTOGRAPH#11657.jpg is no longer available

As you can clearly see in this photo, Craptek has been previously caught stealing rations from the People's Storehouse. But not only that, if you look closely, you may be able to see the piece of evidence we've been looking for the entire time. Don't see it?

The attachment ENHANCE.png is no longer available

By using advanced Peoplezoom™ technology, we were able to make out the text.

The attachment SECRETLYDOCTOREDPHOTOGRAPH#11657 zoom.jpg is no longer available

It is clear that he has already violated party rules by stealing important Party documents, but taking the people's rations that he was explicitly denied access to? This is merely another nail in the coffin (which we won't be making for him due to a recent mini-coffin shortage).

Your Honor,

I spent all night unraveling the mysterious PSP image file presented earlier by Comrade Sovremennyy. As I suspected, it's just one more item in the monstrous conspiracy to ruin my reputation and destroy Craptek's Safer-Space World.™ Working backward through, and removing, the 39 added layers reveals the original image! I am INNOCENT!

37276-SECRETLY-UN-DOCTOREDPHOTOGRAPH.jpg

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Your honor, I requested from the defense the legal briefs of the accused. They are not taking this seriously.Image

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So comrades, the results are in......... Damn! A hung jury.... Retrial!

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:So comrades, the results are in......... Damn! A hung jury.... Retrial!
I will be glad to vote a few more times if the Party wishes it.

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So to get him a jury of his peers, do we need to find 12 more traitorous thieving criminal nut-nibbling rodents?

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A failure of the jury created a mistrial. Unfortunately, we need to proceed with a new trial, and hopefully more information on if our comrade, Captain Craptek, is indeed a traitor. We might I highly suggest the prosecution add some other comrades as well to the group of the accused, but it must be under Comrade Red Square's approval.


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Capt. Craptek,
The numbers shown above are for fairness purposes only.
Actual count was 143 for conviction, none opposed! This is the second round count, we started with 145, but had to eliminate two to arrive at a final verdict.

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General Confusion wrote:Capt. Craptek,
The numbers shown above are for fairness purposes only.
Actual count was 143 for conviction, none opposed! This is the second round count, we started with 145, but had to eliminate two to arrive at a final verdict.

General Confusion,

Thanks for the update. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach to know so many comrades care.


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This time, the state will select your peers. Comrade Stierliz, you are now under investigation of conspiracy with Captain Craptek. We are further looking for other members of this treasonous conspiracy ring.

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:This time, the state will select your peers. Comrade Sterliz, you are now under investigation of conspiracy with Captain Craptek. We are further looking for other members of this treasonous conspiracy ring.

Great, I'd love to see this "Comrade Stierliz" be brought to justice. I don't like my name being ripped off by substandard imitations.

Also, I didn't do anything. Everything up there is a fabrication of Craptek. If you ever investigate me keep in mind he's trying to frame me. But, if I AM convicted, I'll accept nothing more than a revocation of Vodka Stamps for one to three years. I've done my time in the Gulags as part of KGB service and training, and I am exempt from any Gulag internment because of my KGB service.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:This time, the state will select your peers. Comrade Sterliz, you are now under investigation of conspiracy with Captain Craptek. We are further looking for other members of this treasonous conspiracy ring.

Great, I'd love to see this "Comrade Stierliz" be brought to justice. I don't like my name being ripped off by substandard imitations.

Also, I didn't do anything. Everything up there is a fabrication of Craptek. If you ever investigate me keep in mind he's trying to frame me. But, if I AM convicted, I'll accept nothing more than a revocation of Vodka Stamps for one to three years. I've done my time in the Gulags as part of KGB service and training, and I am exempt from any Gulag internment because of my KGB service.
Well, the state has both of your information. Would you like to know how much they know? The price may well as be telling everyone your secrets.

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:This time, the state will select your peers. Comrade Sterliz, you are now under investigation of conspiracy with Captain Craptek. We are further looking for other members of this treasonous conspiracy ring.

Great, I'd love to see this "Comrade Stierliz" be brought to justice. I don't like my name being ripped off by substandard imitations.

Also, I didn't do anything. Everything up there is a fabrication of Craptek. If you ever investigate me keep in mind he's trying to frame me. But, if I AM convicted, I'll accept nothing more than a revocation of Vodka Stamps for one to three years. I've done my time in the Gulags as part of KGB service and training, and I am exempt from any Gulag internment because of my KGB service.
Well, the state has both of your information. Would you like to know how much they know? The price may well as be telling everyone your secrets.

Well, you aren't part of the State. From your picture you're a hammer with a magnifying glass welded on. Therefore, you don't know if the State has good or incriminating information on me. Plus, being former KGB, my information is only accessible to very high-up members of the Party and about half of of it can't be used in court.

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Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Well, you aren't part of the State. From your picture you're a hammer with a magnifying glass welded on. Therefore, you don't know if the State has good or incriminating information on me. Plus, being former KGB, my information is only accessible to very high-up members of the Party and about half of of it can't be used in court.
Interesting piece right here. Well I never knew how you loved those things and kept them alive. Damn they must be too cute for comrade Stierlitz to execute his duties.Enough of today! Recess until tomorrow. We will have a jury by that point. Comrade Stierliz, I suggest to watch what you say in court or the state will prosecute you for changing people's minds.

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Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Well, you aren't part of the State. From your picture you're a hammer with a magnifying glass welded on. Therefore, you don't know if the State has good or incriminating information on me. Plus, being former KGB, my information is only accessible to very high-up members of the Party and about half of of it can't be used in court.
Interesting piece right here. Well I never knew how you loved those things and kept them alive. Damn they must be too cute for comrade Stierlitz to execute his duties.

Listen, I WAS trying to do a slow poison thing but I formulated the stuff at 4:45 on a Friday and I was looking forward to seeing a new propaganda flick down at the pictures. I was acting like I loved them so that they would take the stuff without thinking. Must not've worked. GOD DAMMIT! WHY DIDN'T I JUST STAY THE EXTRA HOUR!?

Oh wait, THOSE things? Nope, those are my pet rats. I was talking about some lizards I was ordered to do lethal experimentation on. I just kept my rats at work because if I didn't supervise them they'd figure out how to manipulate the door latch and they'll get out and gnaw on any wood and eat any house plants or paper. I dunno who you have, maybe you've got Comrade Stierletsz, he's an old KGB buddy and he was ordered to kill some furry little shits. He was a big animal rights guy, he let his beliefs get in the way of his orders ALL the time. I hated the god damn things myself, I wished I got the order to kill them. I put through for the order but they said that he was unexperienced and needed the practice.

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As prosecutor for the People, the evidence is clear. Craptek arrived at a party empty-handed and left with a briefcase of controlled items. Including but not limited to Red Square's nuts. Granted, he's a rodent, and his preference for nuts is genetic (nature not nurture). His sexual deviance is documented, and disgraceful, and we all envy his access to comrade Putout.

Guilty is the only possible outcome, so the discussion is sentencing. I'd like to see him get the fullest punishment, but the little bastard probably (no doubt) made copies of the goods in the briefcase.

At his point I'll denounce him, and have a sternly worded letter placed in his file. Damn you Craptek, this chapter is over, but it's not finished!

User avatar
Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
[highlight=#FFFF00]Well, you aren't part of the State. From your picture you're a hammer with a magnifying glass welded on. [/highlight]Therefore, you don't know if the State has good or incriminating information on me. Plus, being former KGB, my information is only accessible to very high-up members of the Party and about half of of it can't be used in court.
Interesting piece right here. Well I never knew how you loved those things and kept them alive. Damn they must be too cute for comrade Stierlitz to execute his duties.Enough of today! Recess until tomorrow. We will have a jury by that point. Comrade Stierliz, I suggest to watch what you say in court or the state will prosecute you for changing people's minds.

Comrade Hammer,

Back in the old days we'd have considered charges of "contempt of court" against this Stierlitz fellow. But that was then. Ah, yes.... I often long for the "good old days"...

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[color=#C0392B]Comrade Stierlitz[/color] wrote:
Hammer and Loupe wrote:
Comrade Stierlitz wrote:
Well, you aren't part of the State. From your picture you're a hammer with a magnifying glass welded on. Therefore, you don't know if the State has good or incriminating information on me. Plus, being former KGB, my information is only accessible to very high-up members of the Party and about half of of it can't be used in court.
Interesting piece right here. Well I never knew how you loved those things and kept them alive. Damn they must be too cute for comrade Stierlitz to execute his duties.

Listen, I WAS trying to do a slow poison thing but I formulated the stuff at 4:45 on a Friday and I was looking forward to seeing a new propaganda flick down at the pictures. I was acting like I loved them so that they would take the stuff without thinking. Must not've worked. GOD DAMMIT! WHY DIDN'T I JUST STAY THE EXTRA HOUR!?

Oh wait, THOSE things? Nope, those are my pet rats. I was talking about some lizards I was ordered to do lethal experimentation on. I just kept my rats at work because if I didn't supervise them they'd figure out how to manipulate the door latch and they'll get out and gnaw on any wood and eat any house plants or paper. I dunno who you have, maybe you've got Comrade Stierletsz, he's an old KGB buddy and he was ordered to kill some furry little shits. He was a big animal rights guy, he let his beliefs get in the way of his orders ALL the time. I hated the god damn things myself, I wished I got the order to kill them. I put through for the order but they said that he was unexperienced and needed the practice.


User avatar
Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:As prosecutor for the People, the evidence is clear. Craptek arrived at a party empty-handed and left with a briefcase of controlled items. Including but not limited to Red Square's nuts. Granted, he's a rodent, and his preference for nuts is genetic (nature not nurture). His sexual deviance is documented, and disgraceful, and [highlight=#ffff00]we all envy his access to comrade Putout[/highlight].

Guilty is the only possible outcome, so the discussion is sentencing. I'd like to see him get the fullest punishment, but the little bastard [highlight=#ffff00]probably (no doubt) made copies of the goods in the briefcase.[/highlight]

At his point I'll denounce him, and have a sternly worded letter placed in his file. Damn you Craptek, this chapter is over, but it's not finished!

Ivan the Stakhanovets,

Though your numerous enemies never tire of condeming you for what they call "his dispicable nature", I've always maintained you are basically a good person at heart. Image:-) Friend?


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I'm very disappointed in you, comrade Craptek.

I thought I trained you better on how to distribute popcorn.

Apparently, you never learned your lesson and here we find ourselves. At least, here you find yourself. I had nothing to do with this debacle.

I've a good mind to turn State's evidence just to teach you a lesson.

There are always ways to convince accusers that you're innocent or that they are mistaken about what they witnessed, if you're simply willing to employ them.

Do you forget how we were able to convince the judge in the last show trial?

Popcorn, anyone?


 
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