As the state moves to expand healthcare coverage to millions of Californians under President Obama's healthcare law, it faces a major obstacle: There aren't enough doctors to treat a crush of newly insured patients.
While this is undoubtedly due to something George W. Bush and The One Percent did in attempt to sabtotage the plan and prevent poor people from getting free healthcare, Party leaders are advising the public not to worry their pretty little heads about it. As always, the Party braintrust led by Dear Leader Barack Obama is one step ahead of the insurgents.
They are working on proposals that would allow physician assistants to treat more patients and nurse practitioners to set up independent practices. Pharmacists and optometrists could act as primary care providers, diagnosing and managing some chronic illnesses, such as diabetes and high-blood pressure.
"Mom's gonna be so proud, I'm gonna be a doctor!" screamed
"I've always wanted to help people, ya know? I always feel bad when I see folks hurtin', it doesn't even matter if they're hurtin' cause I just beat the crap outta them for owin' me money. It's like that song, 'I'd like to buy da world a coke!', that's how I feel about it. I really would like to buy da world a coke."
Healthcare providers and consumers are not the only ones that are expected to benefit. The Common Good ™ will profit, as well.
"This is not only going to greatly expand the availability of healthcare, it is going to juice the state's economy faster than a bullet train!" exclaimed State Sen. Ima Haffass (D-Fantasyland) at one of her numerous press conferences. "Should-be Speaker Pelosi said ObamaCare was about JOBS and we're gonna make her prophecy come true!"
"Not that we have any budget problems but now they'll be going away", posited relieved Governor Jerry Brown, who sees taxes and fees from all the new healthcare-related businesses that will soon be operating closing the state's budget gap and then some. "The State Legislature is already going to work with ideas on how to spend the anticipated extra revenue", he related.
"This is going to open up a lot of opportunities for small businesses like me", agreed Candy Canes, who says she is a nurse practitioner whose speciality is sexual health. Candy told us her business depends on repeat customers so she wants to be sure every patient is satisfied. She believes ObamaCare will improve her business as well as the general health of the public because it will lead to people being treated for diseases and conditions they formerly ignored.
"Just as an example, you wouldn't believe how many guys have untreated chronic constipation", she volunteered. "I'll bet there are a lot more of them out there who suffer in silence because they don't have
Although not mentioned in the current discussion of provider expansion, alternative treatments are also expected to get a boost. "Why should ObamaCare just focus on the same, tired old ways of treating illness?" asked Swami Bananarama of the Snakeoyl Healing Center in downtown Snakeoyl, CA.
"My products have been passed down to me by generations of healers and work just as well as Western techniques, if not better. The only reason these methods are not utilized more here is due to bigotry and racism on the part of insurance and drug companies. It is our hope the PPACA will finally change that."
The Swami chairs a foundation, Alternative Medicine R Us, which plans to spend millions of dollars to change the minds of legislators and educate the public (but mostly to change the minds of legislators) as to the efficacy of his alternative treatments and enable his patients to be covered under ObamaCare.
Some critics worry that the State Legislature, in a well-meaning attempt to try and remedy problems created by what they characterize as an unworkable and poorly-designed federal healthcare reform, will go too far and enable large numbers of crackpots and charlatans to gain access to the public treasury, thus worsening the practice of healthcare as well as budgetary issues.
"Nonsense", said Sen. Haffass, "When the hell do you ever see anything like that happening? We politicians are not fools. Now excuse me, I've got to catch the 4:15 bullet train to Fresno to be on hand for the opening of a new federally-funded combination solar panel plant and carbon trading exchange."