I have in my possession an angry message from a woman named Charlene who has taken issue over my rank and title within the glorious Party hierarchy. This whore is accusing me of being "sexist" (stupid tart) and has the gall to instruct me to change my title to a more "gender-neutral" one.
~

She wrote: Dear Pig,

I was perusing this ‘People's Cube' website and noticed that you refer to yourself as ‘Chairman'. What kind of knuckle-dragging ---- eating mother ------- piece of ---- are you? Call yourself a Progressive? Huh? Call yourself a mother ------- Progressive? What a sick and twisted joke you are!

First and foremost I hope you rot in hell with only Gloria Steinem's feces to keep you company, pig! I am also taking the personal liberty right now to report you to NOW, NARAL and The View so that they – and woman everywhere, for that matter – can know that Meow S. Punchenko is a filthy sexist pig too important to select a gender-neutral title!
EAT ---- AND DIE, PIG!

-- Charlene

I just had to respond, Comrades! I just had to show this woman that I as a Party member in good standing am totally receptive to the needs, wants and even demands of those beneath me and in lesser human value. I just had to show her that I Care™.

I wrote: Dear Charlene,

I slept with your bra-burning sister and forgot to tip her – but that is entirely beside the point right now. As a tolerant, forward-thinking Progressive; I can totally see where you are coming from and will change my title to "Chairperson". I hope this change will suite you and other feminist since you all are a very, very important demographic within the Democratic Party. I simply cannot think of a group that I admire more than the feminist. You broads are really something and I mean that – I really, really mean that.

Good luck on your activism and I hope to see you all soon at the Denver convention (in something slinky and skanktastic, of course).

Cheers,

Chairperson M. S. Punchenko

Comrades, am I sexist? No, I think not. I am all for dames baring their breast for beads or helping the office slut work her way up to administrative assistant or whatever the hell we call the dumb whore who works the reception desk. I am all for breaking the glass ceiling! No one is more politically-correct or more forward-thinking than me! NO ONE! I am a progressive's progressive! I hate America and complain about tax breaks! I hate small business and big business! Am I not progressive!? Am I really sexist!? My guilt levels! I can feel my guilt levels rising! Smelling cash! I need smelling cash! Quick, someone get me the leftover Hillary 08 cash!

Getting faint… guilt… too much guilt… *passes out*

CURRENT TRUTH UPDATE ON SEPTEMBER 3, 2008: Sexism is now permissible and is expected to be practiced by all Party members. Mothers should stay in the kitchen, raise their kids and STAY FAR AWAY FROM THE VICE-PRESIDENCY if they are a Conservative Republican.

I stopped reading at “George Bush,” in regards to the poll. After seeing his name, there was no reason to read any further…We all know it was his fault!!! Did you come in contact with Bushitler in Beijing? That is if you were even in Beijing, I just assume that someone of your standing would be over there to further the cause.

I mean the Bushitler made Russia attack Georgia, so it is possible. Why have we not received any information as to how and why the Bushitler forced Russia to attack Georgia…I have no idea as to how I am suppose to oppose the elephant guilds on this issue.

I'm not allowed back to Beijing, Comrade Sea-Bass -- at least not after the "incident".

Long story short: I was found drunk and naked inside Mao's glass casket. I thought it was a trendy aquarium bed with a Chinese blow-up doll. I was wrong. All I had on me when I was arrested was my ushanka, an empty bottle of Jim Beam and a half-empty bottle of painkillers.


It was an honest mistake and I have apologized to the Chinese government on several occasions.

Go China!

I'm not allowed back to Beijing, Comrade Sea-Bass -- atleast not after the "incident".

Long story short: I was found drunk and naked inside Mao's glass casket. I thought it was a trendy aquarium bed with a Chinese blow-up doll. I was wrong. All I had on me when I was arrested was my ushanka, an empty bottle of Jim Beam and a half-empty bottle of painkillers.

LOL!! Who is that laughing?? That is but a simple mistake, how are we to know such a thing is not to be toyed with?? Was there at least a fortune cookie inside?? And did it tell of the glorious progressive future in store for us??

No fortune cookie, Comrade Sea-Bass. I did however get bamboo shoots rammed up my fingernails -- something I hope we adopt once the Messiah becomes the Supreme Leader of everything.

I also got stuck with a rather hefty dry-cleaning bill once the Chinese authorities discovered that I urinated all over Mao while inside his glass casket. Once again I made an honest mistake which is due to my rather weak bladder.

Go China!

Thank you, Chairperson Punchenko, for being sensitive to our female comrades concerns and needs.

We all must help every office whore, whatever their gender, to rise in the ranks of the workplace.

It's good to hear that you were able to explain to the Chinese that it was an honest mistake and you were merely testing the security for Mao's casket. I hope the guard who was on duty was punished for sleeping on duty.

Chairperson?

There he goes again, implying the HUMAN.
Damn anthropocentricists, always lording over us other species, phylum and families that they're special, they're human.
Well, La de da, Mr. Chairperson. Why not Chairmammal? Or Chairthing?
This just proves to me Meow wasn't good enough for <3 Helen (PBUH) Potomac Being Underwater Her...

Comrades! I am so torn! When I was first coming here to see this outrage, I was convinced that I would stand up to this mad feminist who clearly takes this "audacity of change" campaign chant as official policy, I mean really, are we now to refer to Stalin as the Person of Steel? I was going to point out that progressive thinking does not mean absence of thinking.... but then I quickly realized that yes, it does. But aside from that, we are talking about the Chairman after all, his delicate sensibilities, and how does this bra burning, under achiever, dare to treat the Chairman in such a manner?

Then I read the Comrade Punchenko's honest defense of his well known progressive attitudes and history, and his acceptance of this recommendation by some woman who no doubt achieved her current party standing through sleeping about, poorly it would seem given her lack of title, and figured if Comrade Punchenko is happy with Chairperson, who am I to argue? (Chairman.... never forget my offer... that I will cut down any tree, no matter how big or small....)

But then the Hero Space Dog Laika has brought up yet a more astounding and progressive point! The very notion of Chairperson smacks of specieism and exclusionist thinking. Chair Punchenko....it does have a nice ring to it, Then again, we could just forget this, and say "Let them eat beets" to this brazen hussie's complaint.

Comrades we all need to calm down and ask ourselves “What would the Messiah do?”
He would take a poll, and make a speech regardless of what he said less than an hour before, for and against the name, species, and gender argument. He would have been for the little Bimbos contentions before he was against them.

Chairperson I have nothing but the most respect and admiration for you, and your candid, and truthful accounts of your very minor transgression in China.

I feel you were very kind in not showing the full blame the Bottler of Jim Beam for their part in this. Had they placed a clear warning on the bottle that consumption of this adult beverage could cause a person to be found “drunk and naked inside Mao's glass casket” it would have never happened, I personally blame Jim Beam!!

I feel Charlene owes you an apology and should make you dinner and give you a…….

If you need us to go have a talk with this individual please just say the word, we can have her on a train to Minsk before you can say Stalin!!!

What makes you assume Charlene is a female?
Sexist pig!

Chairman Punchenko,
When Comrade Bond ... James Bond ... is getting shot at the game begins.
Are you growing weary of the game?
Perhaps you would like some of my vit-a-mins?
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Meow, my gimlet eye has fastened on that half-empty bottle of painkillers. Give what you haven't taken back to <i>me</i>, you filthy Republican swine. You know where you got them, you...you...you...toaster-pronger. You got them from <i>me</i> and Bruno wants them back.

Also did you know that Mao's physician said that he never washed his private parts thinking that that would cut down on his virility? Well, you know now. And that he thought that if he slept with 1000 virgins he'd never die?

Can we expect a retumescence? In any sense of the word?

I'm waiting, you sexist swine. I'm waiting.

Bruno is waiting. We're all waiting.

Dish.

The painkillers are mine, Theocritus. Bruno can busy himself watching men's gymnastics or whatever is on Bravo.

I know how the gays like Bravo, Theocritus -- it is the gay version of ESPN full of gay-friendly sporting events like sewing, interior decoration and hairstyling. Yes, he can busy himself with that while I kick back these last few painkillers with a rum and coke.

Mmmm... Pharmaceutical goodness. I'm thinking about flying out to Pyongyang tonight. I heard they have a trendy aquarium bed there, too -- not to mention the Happy Corps. Volunteers.

Comrade Chairperson Meow, I have fretted all day about the discomfort that misguided feminist has caused you. I have the simple answer to her nonsense Meow, Her whole feeble argument about Chairman being sexist rests on the foolish assumption that anyone but you could ever hold your position and rank in the Party, thus you will always be Chairman, unless of course you choose to "take the road less traveled" so to speak. But damn it! That would be YOUR choice, not the whim of some angry feminist.

Be that as it may be, as Marshal, I have discovered that I have a bit more clout and so I have found you the prime parking spot that you have needed for so long. I have also staffed it with guards, and a Party Power Chair to get you around, along with an "aide" to help you out of your car and into your Power Chair.

I do hope this will please you.

I'm laughing about Bravo. I find that I'm addicted to <i>Project Runway</i> because it's about people who exist to make other people look good, which could be said of James Carville although he sucks at it. These days.

Bear in mind, Meow, I'm by training a numbers-cruncher and here are those people who drape rags on frames. Phrases like, "I'm just saying..." which translates to, "You sorry asshole, I don't give a shit..."

And have you seen <i>Shear Genius</i>? But nothing is as bad as <i>Bridezillas</i> or <i>Kimora</i>.

Having admitted this I will admit that my preferred tipple is documentaries on the ancient world or science and engineering.

I do sometimes like to ride around naked on my power chair -- even if the temp. is below zero (awakens the senses!).

My mother is addicted to Bravo too, Theocritus. She watches Project Runway every Wednesday night and sometimes I will sit down and watch it with her (I personally can't get enough of Michael Kors' shitty comments).

Feminist be damned Meow, you will always be "The Man." Last I heard, you were Chairman for life... so no need for a "person" designation.

I am glad you like your Power Chair, and I hope the attendant gives you good service. Despite her Paris Hilton appearance, she is one of the untouched virgins from a shipment from Dr. Idi Amin for Hillary's stable that was mistakenly shipped to one of my warehouses.

<i>Project Runway</i> is on now and the challenge is to design a costume for a drag queen. They're all 8' tall. Bruno is sobbing on the floor, raging, "Theocritus! You told me <i>I</i> was the best!"

Whatever the best is, yeah.

I almost feel sorry for Bruno.....almost, not quite.

Don't bother. He feels plenty sorry for himself. It's a full-time job.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Don't bother. He feels plenty sorry for himself. It's a full-time job.

Why is it that all drag queens are also drama queens, but not all drama queens are drag queens?

Maybe Bawney Fwank answer that question?

--

Rumor has it that when Meow got back from being <s>@$$ raped in</s> the guest of China, Hillary pimped him out to Pelosivich?

I'll bet that's why he kept your pain pills, Theo.

I'm still trying to figure out that Meowsovicth/Pelosivoch connection. I know there's an excuse for pain pills and there's a strange logic to Mao's coffin, but still--no matter how much Meow stole from me, and no matter how much he laughed at Bruno singing "Tico Tico" with a hundredweight of fruit on his head, I still can't quite figure that one out.

Keeps me from trusting him as much as I trust all comrades.

Jeez. I wet 'em.

The expression "sexist pig", is it related in any way to "makin' bacon"?

(off)
So what else is new in the Left (behind?) World. . .

Publius, you fail to realize that "sexist pig" no longer means a man who slaps a woman's ass. It is a man who does not bow to everything that one of our feminist sisters demands, no matter her logic in demanding it.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:no matter her logic....

Or the lack thereof.

--

Zampolit, logic is <i>so</i> Age of Reason. This is the Age of Petulant Demanding, Grievance Mongering, and Whining.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:Zampolit, logic is <i>so</i> Age of Reason. This is the Age of Petulant Demanding, Grievance Mongering, and Whining.

How true you are sircomrade Theocritus.

Quite true, comrade Doctor Theocritus!

And yet, does not Marxism base it's arguments against Capitalism on logic that was founded in the Age of Reason?

The Good Comrade Doctor Theocritus wrote: This is the Age of Petulant Demanding, Grievance Mongering, and Whining.

We could shorten this to: The Age of Perceived Victimization.

--

The Esteemed Zampolit wrote:The Age of Perceived Victimization

This is right, although in these days perception is truth. After all look how brilliantly we have done in saying that the war in Iraq is a failure when even The Chosen One (PBUH) has acknowledged that attacks are down considerably. We know of course that they're half that of Chicago but the war will not be won until there are <i>no</i> deaths in Iraq, including normal mortality. In other words, the Bu$hitler/Cheney/Halliburton War Machine has to have eternal life for all Iraqis before we concede that the war is winning. But the perception is that all is lost.

And as for the Age of Reason? I choose reason only when it serves to make machines that I want. In all other cases, reason is subject to my whim. That's why I love politics and arts and letters. If you do not use reason in constructing an airplane, it falls from the skies. But if you do not use reason and, say, insist that forcing children to read is racist or sexist or classist or elitist, you can say that children are being better educated than ever before and after 30 years you can still say it when they are totally illiterate and incapable of rational thought, their heads stuffed with the false accomplishments of self-esteem and when they are trained, like Pavlov's dogs, to respond to cues without thinking.

That's why I <i>love</i> the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Education Association. Just <i>love</i> them.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: We know of course that they're half that of Chicago but the war will not be won until there are <i>no</i> deaths in Iraq, including normal mortality.

Comrade Commissar,

I think your data on Chicago is wrong, for how can there be so many deaths in Chicago when guns are outlawed there? I'll have to check but it just doesn't seem right. Daley wouldn't steer the people wrong.....

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

No, O'Brien, Daley wouldn't steer people wrong. He's not steering anyone anywhere these days. Daley is, how do I say this with tact? I'm so fucking tactful I could just shit. Daley couldn't steal the 2000 election in Florida with the Florida Supreme Court all with a raging hard-on for the Goracle. Get that? Daley is <i>over</i> and his old man is turning like a gyroscope in hell right now. To think that a chip off that old cell block can't steal an election. Next you'll see a Rockefeller in a soup line. Or a tasteful Hilton--of the blood or cavanserai. My god. Did <i>none</i> of that $100K that Joe Kennedy paid the old man to steal the Kennedy/Nixon election go toward on-the-job training? What did the old man do with it? Buy one of Joe's old hookers? Jeez. You'd think that a doting ward-boss, machine-politics, corrupt Democrat father, PBUH, would at least <i>teach</i> his son how to steal an election.

So Daley just doesn't matter. I mean. If a Daley can't steal an election. A Chicago Daley?

It is to laugh. Daley's don't mean any more than Our Many Titted Empress does now, since she was vanquished by The Chosen One (PBUH). And if the Chosen One loses to McShame, then The Chosen One can walk across all the water that he wants and his lovely, and I do mean lovely with the best possible will wife Michelle will be wishing mightily that she'd kept that $600 instead of buying earrings because she just might find it the little bit that she needs to keep the process servers at bay.

But I say this out of the purest socialist love. It's all for the party you know.

Ah Commissar, were that what you speak of be true.
Having lived through the Daley machine I know he will not so easily be dethroned. You see the mindset of the proles in Chicago proper is one of carelessness. Daley slaps a coat of paint on the street put up some plastic cows, pays $500,000 for some shiny bean and the proles cheer him. You see they like shiny things. They don't care if they are being taxed into oblivion, as long as they get their free crap from the state (south and west sides) and they get their shiny bean (north side) they are fine. Doesn't matter whose corrupt or who pays who off or anything. The proles actually expect it and don't care. For if they do care, explain Stroger.
No my friend I think Daley will be around for a long time, until he decides to retire or drops dead from a heart attack in office.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

Then the only hope for Daley is that he not stand in the way of the Progressive World of Next Tuesday.

If he does, then I can have Tony, Vinnie, and Lou come in from New York and 'splain it to him.

Hate to tell you, Zampolit, but Vinnie met Bruno at Las Vegas outside the door to the Divine Miss M's dressing room. They're in the other room swapping makeup secrets.

Jeez. Just when you thought you'd got it all figured out. I think the thing that gets me the most is hearing Vinnie say, "Fugeddaboutit, Bruno, jew put dat bah-ul of make up down an come ovah heah and give me a back comb."

They're in the other room swapping makeup secrets.

Among other things...

I rather doubt that. It has the sound of a sorority. What really gets me is the basso profundo screams of the leg waxing.

Hey... That's okay! Even amongst Mafia Kneecap Specialists then are bound to be a few that are ... mmmmm.... "Members of the Sorority" (for lack of a better term). It's not about their sexual orientation. It's about how well they can re-orient someone's legs.

But if Paulie finds out... there could be problems. Paulie is a known Bu$hitler supporter.

Are you sure it's a leg waxing session and not a back waxing session going on their? Don't peek in to find out! Spare yourself the horror of such sights!!!

I don't think that back waxing is needed for it's chafed off on the carpet.

Sounds like "The Glory of Socialism" in action.

All the socialists in Brussels don't sniff as much as Bruno when he sees someone in a Members Only jacket.

Commissar Theocritus wrote: And as for the Age of Reason? I choose reason only when it serves to make machines that I want. In all other cases, reason is subject to my whim.

This being the case, and I have no reason to question that, why would you search for a reason for the Chariman's need for your pain pills, and his apparently being pimped out to Pelosivich? Need there be a reason? Is it not sufficient that you accept the Chairman's behavior for what it is - the culmination of all the highest standards that we hold dear in the Collective state? I ask you, if you can not trust the Chairman, who can you trust? Most comrades you can never be sure how they will behave in a given situation, but with the Chairman, you can rest assured that he will behave in his usual Chairman way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The chairman this, the chairman that. I know him, Pupovich, and boy do I know him. I love him like a brother. The one that I informed on, and it was hard, so hard, to inform on that brother but I sucked it up and did it, and boy did it hurt.

And Meow hurts, too, you know. Really hurts. And so I think that we must all agree that whatever the chairman wants the chairman gets, as long as he <i>remains</i> the chairman.

And what if the Chairman wishes to be denounced, to be put on trial by his peers? Do you love the Chairman enough to do this for him?

Pupovich, have you been tete-a-tete with Our Many Titted Empress too much? You seem to love denunciation. Now I'm for a good denunciation as much as the next comrade--after all, what's May Day without a show trial? But all this denunciation? I realize that in view of your recent travails that no one could deny you a good denunciation if you really wanted one, but we do have to ration them.

And some years ago we did denounce Meow. And the scene he made! The noise! I am still scarred from that. Do you recall the scene in <i>Who Framed Roger Rabbit</i> when he drinks the booze? It was like that. Meow has been so long above the law that he was even astonished when there were raised eyebrows when he woke up in Mao's coffin with the empty bottle of booze and the half-empty bottle of what he thought were painkillers but which were really my rufies.

Don't denounce Meow. Unless you have a spare month and lots of earplugs.

Now why would I wish to denounce the Chairman? Do you have knowledge of him having committed heinous offense, above and beyond his usual? I was merely thinking that perhaps he wishes to be and perhaps you would show your love for him by doing so, along the lines of that fictional Jesus person... you know the scene...went something like this:

Chairman: Commissar Theocritus?
Commisar Theocrirtus: Yes Chairman
Chairman: Do you love me?
Commisar Theocrirtus: Yes Chairman
Chairman: Denounce me!

Marshal, Meow commits horrible offenses to people who are concerned with the sanctity of property and freedom and liberty. And, you ask, what has that to do with us? Just so. Nothing whatsoever.

His only heinous offense would be to give money, say, to someone <i>deserving</i>, say to your maid or gardener who are good people instead of sucking up to someone powerful who has everything anyway. And you know dear Meow: he'd steal from the maid or gardener to suck up to someone more powerful.

But is there a backstory here? Perhaps, Marshal, you are tired of being denounced yourself. After all, with your travails recently would another denunciation be just a bit <i>de trop</i>?

Of course if you get <i>off</i> to denunciations, the sky's the limit.

It's not for nothing that I'm the Commissar of Compassion. And Caring. And all that shit.