Ernesto Che Guevara sold 100,000,000 T-shirts this year alone! He's world's greatest T-shirt salesman. Come on, trust-fund college kid! Be a non-conformist because everybody else is! Being popular is so elfin' hard. Che shirt = instant recognition. Viva la merchandise!
Who's your daddy? Have yourself a nice progressive Christmas!
Let's defend from disbelievers Dear Leader's commitment to government control by saying "I bought this t-shirt before he was dead," meaning that his very death had been part of this Five Year Plan, strategically earmarked by the Central Planning Committee for the end of the final quarter of this fiscal year.
Nothing happens in this world without Government's approval. The word of Government is perfect; its truth is eternal; it cannot be touched by man, woman, nor a transgendered person. The will of Government is always done, and it is revealed to us through Central Planning, whose infallibility we honor by saying "I bought this t-shirt before he was dead."
SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE (FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES):
Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
Let me, Dear God, shift the paradigm on this Thanksgiving and blissfully give thanks for the gift of government, and thank the government for the gift of taxes. Bless my taxes, O God! Give me peace of mind as I rejoice in filling out forms and returning money to its rightful owner, the government. Keep me joyous, I pray, as I write out those checks. Yea, Lord, we know that there is little reason to be joyous with this Administration's imperialism and impending rape of the Iranian peaceful energy program, but the thought of a new tax year still brings to us a swelling tear of joy. And whisper to me, Lord, all the good reasons that I send my money to my government every year.
IN RELATED NEWS:
After Barack became president, he realized, to his great joy, that in addition to the small people he now also had the power to focus on large and small businesses, factories, financial institutions, and the economy in general.
But there's more - Barack has learned to train his focus on the world arena! His favorite international targets are America's closest allies, especially Israel, as well as US troops serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I'm (expletive) insane, like I'm Kanye West," he said. "One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did," Hitler said, drawing boos and negative energy from the crowd who were there to snack on beer and pretzels, and not to listen to a sociopath with an ego the size of Reichstag.
That would not be happening if politicians, like businesses, needed to stick to truth in advertising. We prepared some samples of political ads promoting feel-good ideas while at the same time keeping it honest.
Further deliberations led us to believe that the outcome in either case will be THE SAME! Let me illustrate it with these formulae:
CHANGE + CHANGE = THE SAME
CHANGE - CHANGE = THE SAME
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
This article shows how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.
Our speech to the workers and peasants of Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania delivered on Feb. 4, 2011 - now in 3D and digitally remastered to enhance the optical illusions of redistributive justice.
Includes never before seen episodes of standing ovation, as well as previously excluded scenes of conspicuous consumption of beet vodka and potatoes during the afterparty that followed.
So we pulled some strings in the Motherland and arranged an interview with Comrade Khrush, who witnessed the launching of Sputnik while working with the Soviet Space Program as the official dog catcher, supplying canines to test the safety of space exploration before sending humans into orbit.
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu(D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
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Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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