The People's Cube Archive: January - December 2010
How did the ancient mass media report the alleged birth of Christ? The People's Cube prepared the following compilation of quotes from the Roman and Judean sources, which should help our readers to form an unbiased opinion of what really happened in the days surrounding the so-called Christmas.
© 2007 Directorate of Historical Revisionism, Karl Marx Treatment Center.
As seen in Pajamas Media
Are you enamored with the size and curvatures of our big, loving government? Do you yearn for a quick and easy romantic bonding? Try screening procedures at your local airport. You'll establish an intimate bond
for life. Critics
may call it a "junk bond," but that's true only according to their old-fashioned value system with its absolute standards - an absurdity in the era of relative Keynesian morals and redistributive justice.
In the eyes of the big, loving government you are a "junk asset" in need of security and equal protection. In practical terms this translates to an equal redistribution of pat-downs, as well as massive participation in the making of completely unbiased naked videos regardless of age, gender, body type, or membership in a certain murderous cult you may or may not belong to.
iOTW has announced its Second Annual PUK Awards.
As always, volunteer compliance is mandatory. Everyone is invited to post their suggestion on iOTW. As for this thread, please post your favorite images that have appeared on The People's Cube only
, by any author. You can also cross-post the links on iOTW. Our collection will be eventually submitted to iOTW, but it would be nice to have our own contest here as well, with the best image of the year chosen by voting in the end of December. The voting feature will be enabled once the thread gets populated.
I'm told it came out fine, although as the interviewee I felt that the filming ended before I began to talk. Next time I'll use shorter sound bites. Or try to talk faster. Or borrow a teleprompter from somebody.
I'm also told that my monotone and the expressionless face work in a deadpan sort of way for people who know me, but others might tune out too early to benefit. My answer to that is that if they think my voice is monotone, let them hear me type! Besides, that expressionlessness is used to disguise my very emotional gentle side - except when it's used to disguise my wild and crazy Party animal side.
Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
Let me, Dear God, shift the paradigm on this Thanksgiving and blissfully give thanks for the gift of government, and thank the government for the gift of taxes. Bless my taxes, O God! Give me peace of mind as I rejoice in filling out forms and returning money to its rightful owner, the government. Keep me joyous, I pray, as I write out those checks. Yea, Lord, we know that there is little reason to be joyous with this Administration's imperialism and impending rape of the Iranian peaceful energy program, but the thought of a new tax year still brings to us a swelling tear of joy. And whisper to me, Lord, all the good reasons that I send my money to my government every year.
Confessions of a former teenage communist Casanova
In an effort to boost compliance with new full-body scan policy, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano volunteers to pose in front of the scanner for a TSA poster to be displayed at all airports as part of the TSA public relations campaign. (Scroll down for rejected TSA logos).
In related news, a previously unknown group of Straight Rights Activists has started a petition asking why gay men get to have their genitals groped by same-sex TSA officers, while straights can't get the same treatment from members of the opposite sex.
The straight activist group demands the "right to be groped" by a woman instead of a man during the screening procedures at airports. Enhanced pat-down with romantic music and candle light is desirable but optional.
As seen in Pajamas Media
Have you ever had an obnoxious television show character's behavior remind you of a time in your past when you similarly behaved like a jerk? And now, years later, it makes you blush?
That is precisely what I felt watching our president's post-election press conferences and interviews. Even after the nation clearly rejected his agenda, he continued to insist that he had done nothing wrong - he had simply failed to make the country understand that whatever he did was "the right thing." I knew exactly what he meant. As a teenager, I used to think like that. In his mind, a rejection was always the result of a misunderstanding - an error of perception - and I sincerely promised to "listen hard" in the future, without really meaning it.
As Nancy Pelosi celebrates the success of her agenda in Congress
, let us not forget also to celebrate other achievements of socialism worldwide. Contributions from the toiling masses are welcome. This may well become an ongoing series.
As seen on Right Network
Tired of denying the obvious, makers of the popular TV sitcom The Office have admitted that Scranton is indeed the birthplace of vice president Joe Biden, and that countless parallels between their hilarious episodes and the daily interactions of a group of idiosyncratic characters in Barack Obama's Oval Office are not coincidental. Unable to process all the rich comedy ore oozing out of the White House, Office producers have given up rewriting it in allegoric terms and decided to go with a straight reenactment in a new side-splitting and faster-paced spin-off - The (Oval) Office.
The cast of characters include president Barack (Barack Obama), who thinks he's the coolest, funniest, best president ever - which, of course, makes him the uncoolest, most obnoxious and annoying president as far as the country is concerned...
The One Nation Working Together rally held in Washington on October 2, 2010, was hyped up as the Left's ultimate answer to Tea Parties - but it became a failure as the troops deserted the battlefield littered with socialist signs and free lunch boxes. The Democrats, the unions, and supportive radical groups had pulled resources together, aiming to quell America's thirst of freedom with deafening demands of free stuff. But all the free buses, free supplies, free lunches, and free media promotion didn't save the supposed mega-anti-Tea-Party palooza from becoming a dud - just like Obama's failed economic reforms based on a similar wasteful model. In the ancient, pre-Obama world, people would call this rally a mountain that gave birth to a mouse. In the modern frame of reference, it was a supersized free lunch followed by a tiny burp.
Red Commissar Tells Congress: 'Shoveling Good for Americans'
WASHINGTON -- Comrade Red Square made a highly bizarre - and occasionally lucid -appearance before a congressional committee on Friday to testify about the benefits of migrant labor force to one-party rule. Staying in character as People's Director of Unanimity and Redistribution of Speech, Red Square also shared his 'vast' experience in the proper conduct of party purges, as well as demonizing and crushing the opposition. Red Square told lawmakers that a day shoveling beets alongside migrant masses convinced him that the peasant class is a "great, great alternative to the unreliable American voters."
Threat to Burn Money 'Recruitment Bonanza' for Tea Parties
As seen on RightNetwork.com
The Leader of a small but vocal fundamentalist cult in Washington, DC, says he will go ahead with his plan to burn a pile of taxpayers' dollars this Friday.
Scheduled to take place in front of the White House, the money-burning ceremony will kick off a planned "systematic campaign of burning, shredding, drowning, catapulting, and otherwise obliterating trillions of tax dollars throughout the nation until the 2012 elections," declared Barack Obama, the shadowy figure behind this controversial plan. "My faith tells me that all money is evil; burning your tax dollars is my protest against the values of this prosperous nation that I have sworn to fundamentally bankrupt," he said.
Owning and caring for a congressional pet doesn't have to be a difficult or burdensome experience. Election season isn't all fun and treats, especially for our furry friends. From media poisons to legal hazards, the season is a minefield! Get the most up-to-date pet care tips and tricks from the Democratic caucus experts in behavior, nutrition, poison control, veterinary medicine and the human-animal bond.
The bond between the owner and the pet is difficult for non-pet-owners to understand, but for all of us who have a pet in our House of Representatives, we know the joy and pleasure these faithful companions can bring. Through a little knowledge and special care, you can make dogs, reptiles, and small rodents a healthy, happy part of ruling over the little people for years to come.
Our friends who were on the stage with Pamela Geller and Robert Spencer at the Stop Islamization of America rally at Ground Zero have already given us a full account, with great pictures of the speakers.
But my report is about what happened in the back of the crowd and on the outskirts.
The police made my job difficult by herding the demonstrators into tight pens, restricting movement on the sidewalks, and blocking most side streets from pedestrian traffic. I don't think many people have walked that day as much as I have, taking pictures in many different places, including the opposition rally next the City Hall. I also snapped pictures of "Islamophile" infiltrators and their signs.
So this should be a very informative report.
A little bird told me today that the worshipping Muslim collective of the Ground Zero community was having its weekly meeting this Friday at the Cordoba House Mosque, conveniently located next to the remains of the infidel community at Park Place 51 in Manhattan. The same bird insisted it had reliable information from "insider" sources about a gathering of protesters, even though it was a day away from the big 9-11 rally. Some of them came to support anyone's right to say Allahu akbar while ramming planes into skyscrapers, and some others came to oppose it.
So I took my camera and went to take a look.
The bird lied. That is, the protesting community was there, and so were numerous media organs. But the anticipated Muslim teach-in, sit-in, and bendover-in by the local Islamic community had been suspended by the City until next week, to avoid possible scheduling conflicts with certain arriving Koran-burn-in communities.
The IOTW contest for posting the most manipulative proposal
to get a FREE copy of my book Shakedown Socialism
is officially over. As a sole judge, I looked at the applicants' mooching and/or extortion skills - the two basic attributes of a fair social order we call Shakedown Socialism.
It you haven't guessed yet, this contest was not about winning or losing. Like most other contests and awards (the Oscars, the Pulitzer, the Nobels) it was a tool to propagandize, agitate, and advance a more or less hidden agenda of social change.
As a result,
The First Prize and an autographed copy
of Shakedown Socialism went to...
Our wonderfully illustrated, 134 pages-long paperback Shakedown Socialism is now in print.
True to the title, our marketing efforts were exclusively focused on lobbying the government to grant this book a "must-buy" status. As a result, all of you now MUST BUY
this book. We repeat - BUY - as opposed to a five-finger discount, spontaneous redistribution into your pocket, or waiting for the government to do all that for you. Neither should you wait for the DVD. This book requires immediate action. You must act now: reach into your pocket and pay $12.95 plus shipping and handling. Immediately.
On August 28, 2010 we joined other progressive reporters who infiltrated Glenn Beck's rally in Washington in order to observe, take compromising pictures, and manufacture a plausible Current Truth, so that our sophisticated readers would know what to think.
Like many media organs, we had reserved a template page for the most ridiculous protest signs. All we needed was to photograph those signs and fill in the blanks to match our pre-approved hilarious captions. But the untrustworthy Beck preempted our planning by forbidding all signs. It forced us to revise our talking points. The new and improved Current Truth states: the lack of hand-written signs means that the rally lacked a discernible message. It can also mean that none of Beck's followers can read or write, and that these illiterate home-schoolers have never mastered the essential skills of holding a crayon or finger-painting.
As seen on Pajamas Media
[OUT OF KARAKTER]
Of all the slips of the tongue and unintentional admissions by this administration, Robert Gibbs' "Professional Left" comment may well be the one they wish they could squeeze back into their collective windpipe the most. That was, perhaps, the first objective analysis we've heard from Gibbs in his career as Obama's press secretary - and it's likely to be the last one. For speaking his mind, Gibbs has been urged to resign in disgrace, as if he had committed treason. But why the uproar? Just who exactly is the Professional Left?The term "Professional Left" denotes a growing industry that specializes in converting other people's money into an ideological product, while making a good living out of it in the process.
The first rule of the Professional Left is, you do not talk about the Professional Left.
Great presidents make great speeches. Kennedy had his Ask Not speech, Lincoln's The Gettysburg Address, and there's FDR's unforgettable Infamy speech. Obama is the greatest of them all, and clearly his Keys To The Car metaphor will soon became his greatest speech. We must give it time to mature, though, because this speech is still under development.
He used it a few weeks ago as a simple driving a car metaphor, "Republicans had been driving the car for eight years. It went into the ditch. And now that Democrats have dug the car out., the Republicans want back the keys."
Last week he expanded the ditty with a new line about Republicans sipping Slurpees as they watched Democrats dig out the car - a brilliantly presidential move. Then a few days later he added mud, bugs, and boots. With the president in campaign mode until November, "Keys To The Car" is expected to grow into a two-hour-long routine with many quotable one-liners, destined to go down in history.
With this in mind I started thinking about Hollywood and the Obama-inspired films they'll surely be making for years to come. And since car flicks have been a mainstay for Hollywood as well, the two genres may subsequently merge into one. I have some movie re-make ideas for them to consider.
A note to skeptics: Obamao is a real living mythical creature first found in China and then in the U.S.
One of Obamao's early speeches, titled "From The Bottom Up," was devoted to the benefits of politically correct swimming. It taught the American people, women, and minorities, how to stay afloat in preparation for the radiant, shovel-ready future. True to his own rules, Obamao swam wherever he could. His penchant for swimming made it an accepted physical activity for many Americans, who until then never heard of water. In 1970, Obamao swam for the first time in Hawaii, where village elders taught him the secret of the Hawaiian dog paddle. It inspired him to compose a glorious autobiography and become the first American President.
On the 40th anniversary of that great event (August 14, 2010), jubilant masses of Floridians, tourists, and Gov. Charlie Crist crowded the beaches to participate a great "Suspend-the-Disbelief" extravaganza celebrating their First President who discovered water. Obamao attended the event and personally swam to stress his wholehearted support for the importance of swimming, just like Mao before him in the Yellow River
, which famously launched the Cultural Revolution of 1966.
As seen on Pajamas Media:
The GOP establishment is appalled: a young tea party activist and Navy veteran, who was once seen dressed up as Che Guevara holding a "Communists For Kerry" sign, may now defeat their moderate candidate in the primaries and take a seat in the U.S. Congress - the very place he claims is out of control and needs to be cleaned up.
It's funny how life turns out. That "Communists For Kerry" sign was designed by me, on this very computer.
Are you a lover of fantasy fiction feeling trapped in the 21st century with its corporations, consumerism, and other depressing aspects of Western prosperity? Are you a Progressive with a passionate longing for the pre-capitalist Golden Age of non-profit manufacturing, organic farming, and collectivist cultures thriving amidst non-industrial landscapes? Then WaybackWhen™ is for you!
Created for Western audiences by Nostalgia Productions in Taiwan, WaybackWhen™ is a set of escapist video games giving you the ultimate virtual experience of yesteryears no matter your cultural heritage. The scientifically accurate feel of the past is achieved by combining the three features that dominated the pre-industrial era: Poverty, Bad Hygiene, and Invasion.
The set consists of several themes that can be patched together and played in no particular order:
As seen on Pajamas Media
Holy Shiite! Pious pilgrimage just got more exciting at Imam Reza's shrine in Iran, where for a reasonable fee (see price list below) a mullah can join any eager pilgrim in holy matrimony of "temporary marriage" with his choice of a lovely, fully hijabed, and properly veiled prostitute for a period between 5 hours to 10 days. Pedophiles welcome: girls as young as 12 years of age are standing by. Not to worry, the mullahs got them covered: all "temps" under 14 must show a written consent from their fathers or male guardians (no doubt on advice from the recently fired, now freelancing ACORN specialists).
We are not making this up.
In a last-ditch effort to find a moral justification for a war that his radical leftist base could accept, President Obama attributed
recent bombings in Africa to al Qaeda's bigotry, describing the terrorist masterminds as racist radicals. Accompanied by a somber Rev. Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and NAACP President Ben Jealous, President Obama read a joint declaration denouncing al Qaeda's bigoted practice of "sacrificing innocent African life" as a means to hit a legitimate Western target.
To cover all possible bases, the declaration included a list of other random offenses, such as, the terrorist group's failure to embrace the local LGBT community, their complete lack of interest in environmental activism and in raising awareness about climate change, turning a blind eye to the existence of a "glass ceiling" for female suicide bombers, and a few documented instances of not separating paper from plastic. "This is not a behavior most self-respecting radicals would condone, nor expect from fellow radicals," Obama said.
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES:
Comrades! Your glorious leader Incarnadine Trapezoid was recently approached for an interview by a reactionary right-wing blog, Jumping in Pools. We never refuse a chance to proselytize and gain converts with our calculated, clean and articulate statements. As expected, the interview has instantly become the Current Truth™.
Red Square Speaks the Current Truth to Power
1. Who started the People's Cube and when?
We didn't start the People's Cube; it started us. The Rubik's Cube with all sides equally red has always existed as a Platonic ideal, a beautiful dream of the humankind symbolizing a world without risk or failure, where no matter what you do and how badly you do it, you will always have a smashing success and reap equal rewards. This also happens to be the goal of the progressive movement (whose adepts we are endearingly calling "progs").
On the Fourth of July Americans will be cynically celebrating the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
As seen in Pajamas Media, now with more illustrations!
A previously unknown document extracted from the Party archives in Moscow, dealing with Trotsky's departure from Stalin's inner circle, has made news today because it accurately mirrors this morning's news story about Rahm Emanuel's planned departure from Obama's inner circle. Except for the names of the government officials and locations, the verbiage in the Soviet article seems to be identical to that in today's New York Post
. MOSCOW -- 1925 Kremlin Chief of Staff Leon Trotsky is expected to quit as soon as this year because he's fed up with the "idealism" of Joseph Stalin's inner circle, a British newspaper reported early today.
Leaders of the international Rock'n'Roll community voiced their outrage today over the news that one of their own, who they always thought was a dependable degenerate extraordinaire, turned out to be a double agent, possibly working for the Reactionary Conservative Cabal Internationale.
Sir Elton John, who had been recently put on probation for singing at Rush Limbaugh's wedding
, violated his parole and defied the progressive community by flying to Israel, where he played Thursday night
to a crowd of 50,000 screaming occupiers of Palestine at a Tel Aviv stadium, thus breaking the international blockade aimed at sensory deprivation and cultural disorientation of the Zionist entity.
As Progs, we should remake the Father's Day into a Day of Atonement
by the males in the family, who must perform public self-flagellation in order to make up for the centuries of oppressive patriarchal rule. On this day fathers should dress as mothers, put on mascara and lipstick, and do all the housework while mothers should dress as fathers and sit, disheveled and drunk, on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Think about it: celebrating Father's day may baffle The Children™, who have absorbed the Current Truth™ at their publik skools about the detrimental effect of patriarchy and male chauvinism on their families. The Children™ will be confused!
But seeing fathers dress as mothers and mothers dress as fathers will unconfuse them and restore the normalcy of the approved KorrektThink™.
The rally was organized by Stop Islamization of America (SIOA) on June 6, 2010 at the corner of Church Street and Liberty Street near Ground Zero.
Thousands of New Yorkers gathered to protest the construction of a Mega Mosque 600 feet away from the WTC in the building formerly known as the Burlington Factory - a big clothing store that closed in the aftermath of 9/11 after it was damaged by the debris from one of the planes. Click for more info
Americans always welcome all kinds of ethnic and religious minorities as individuals - as long as they embrace the American ideas of liberty, equal rights, and tolerance.
But if such people reject American values, forfeit their individuality, and join a destructive and deceptive cult that is antithetical to liberty, equal rights, and tolerance toward others - they also forfeit their right to be tolerated by Americans. They are no longer welcome.
Songwriter in 'ongoing self-criticism'
after apprehension on suspicion of
Life never stops to imitate the People's Cube.
Just this Wednesday, in a moment of people's clarity, Paul McCartney told everyone to "lay off" Barack Obama, while at the same time taking a dig at George W. Bush. It made us search our archives for a four-year-old story that predicted and explained Sir Paul's current behavior.
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES:
New York -- Giving in to public pressure, singer and composer Paul McCartney issued a statement on Monday, apologizing to the progressive artistic community
for his "pro-American lyrics and compulsive right-wing behavior" in the days immediately following the 9/11 attacks in New York City...
BREAKING NEWS: BP hires Gaza flotilla peace activists to beat oil back into hole
- Modeled after the beating of Zionist occupiers by peace activists of the Gaza flotilla
- Lovingly handcrafted by reformed prisoners of the re-education camp #186, the People's Democratic Republic of North Korea
- Winner of the prestigious Hammer and Popsicle Award For The Advancement of Prepubescent Justice.
Boost your child's imagination with additional imperialist pig figures of a Zionist occupier, Tea Party goer, Generic capitalist exploiter, Fox News broadcaster, Sarah Palin, and more!
From the People's Archives:
As the progressive world denounces Israel's pirate attack on the peaceful Gaza flotilla, we must point out that it wasn't the first Jewish over-reaction in history.
"Did you toil today for the Motherland, woman?
" Digital illustrator Valeri Barykin
of Nizhni Novgorod, Russia, creates nostalgic fantasy art by combining vintage Soviet propagandistic posters with American pinups of about the same historical era, thus filling out the blank spots in Russia's culture, fantasizing about things that may have happened but didn't.
While history doesn't work in subjunctive mood, art does. Below is a selection of Cube-worthy fantasies we prepared for our readers.
The Gallery of Visual Agitation is an entirely new, unprecedented feature of the redesigned People's Cube, and is a victorious leap towards showcasing a complete collection of our glorious artwork to the masses. As it is being heroically launched today, it is already displaying the Cube's Greatest Hits
, A Picture a Day
, Out of Karakter
, and Mr Snuggle Bunny
albums. And as we continue to march towards the Progressive Word of Next Tuesday™, new albums will be regularly added according to our unstoppable plan.
Since the gallery is fully integrated with the Cube, every registered member can now upload pictures to a personal album, and use them for posting on the People's Blog and other places. While the old upload feature in the Rich Editor will remain equally available, Gallery albums are a much more equal way to keep your Cube images organized for posterity. Create collections of your own work, or of political cartoons that you liked and want to share them with the masses.
All hands to the Gallery now!
We are not haters.
Everybody has heard by now about Everybody Draw Mohammed Day
on May 20 - a grassroots campaign sparked by Islamist death threats to South Park's Kenny McCormick, Eric Cartman, and Kyle Broflovsky. The general presumption is that on this day the Internet is going to be filled with negative images of Mohammed. Not true.
We on this site are sounding our unanimous NO to negativity! We are preemptively opposing it with our own positive, loving images of Mohammed that will raise awareness and educate the nonbelievers about the correct way to treat the Muslim community and vice versa.
President Barack Obama cautioned
college students last week about the harmful effects of the free flow of information - a social ill typically associated with unfettered technological advancements in a capitalist economy.
Speaking to thousands of graduates, their family and friends, the president shared his concern over what his latest intelligence report characterized as "students' misuse of awareness-enhancing gadgets and empowering tools" as merely entertainment devices.
"Today's college graduates are coming of age at a difficult time when the alternative media is not always presenting the current truth according to our specs and we're just wasting valuable time writing detailed instructions for them," he said.
The news that Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were using government computers to watch porn sites on the job while the country was sinking into a financial crisis, has caused the national media to stop the ongoing campaign of bashing the bishops and punishing the Pope, and focus on exposing the SEC - an organ largely responsible for enforcing the President's policies of spanking the suspects of banking violations.
The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media. "A dirty mind might call these images sexually suggestive," she spoke into the microphone. "But our staffers merely observed best practices while getting hand-on experience in managing the growing crisis, as well as researching new angles in our handling of the finance industry and stimulating the economy."
April 22 is Lenin's Birthday!
Russian State Prize winner in literature and art Rinat Voligamsi (Ufa, Bashkiria) published his version of Lenin's life
, reports Interfax.
"The song inspired me to dream on the theme "Lenin is alive, he is more alive than all the living" 15 years ago," Voligamsi has told Interfax on Thursday.
The artist imagines the leader of the world revolution didn't die in 1924, but abandoned politics and started living as a good Muslim because his relatives were of Bashkir origin. Then "renovated Lenin" begins associating with his fictitious twin-brother Sergey and goes on Hajj to Mecca and even writes a work entitled "Islam as the last hope of the revolution."
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES: Dedicated to Iceland's Culture of Eruptions
On May 2, Chile's Chaiten Volcano
released a gigantic cloud of emissions composed of ash, steam, smoke, and various oddball gases whose estimated amount equals to one trillion cow farts, a UN-sponsored climate change study revealed. "In just one day, this volcano set the Kyoto Protocol back 15 years, obliterating the otherwise outstanding success of our multi-billion dollar efforts to curb the release of cow farts
into the atmosphere," complained Chairman of Intergovernmental Panel on Cow Farts (IPCF
) Rajendra K. Pachauri at an emergency conference at Grand Plaza Hotel in New York yesterday. "Therefore, we demand that this eruption be considered unscientific and thus disqualified from inclusion into climate change models. Need I mention that it wasn't sanctioned by the the United Nations?"
In a surprise move, the CPUSA (Communist Party USA) has announced a lawsuit against the Democratic Party and its leadership for the alleged theft of intellectual property. The plaintiffs claim that the entire so-called "new" Democratic agenda is, in fact, the product of a decades-long, painstaking campaign by CPUSA theorists, agitators, and underground subversive cells - which makes it the intellectual property of the Communist Party USA, protected by American copyright laws.
"They stole our entire platform, rebranded it 'progressive', and claimed it as their own," declared a CPUSA spokesperson at a press conference in San Francisco. "And we communists say, not so fast! Not in this country anyway, where we still have property rights and the rule of law, thank God! Actually, let me rephrase that..."
The long wait (3 months, to be exact) is over! Having spent more than three months in a temporal wormhole, we have re-emerged with the new upgraded People's Cube website - just in time for the glorious tax collection season!
The new WYSIWYG editor is much better and more reliable than the old Rich Text/Poor Text Editor, which has been put against the wall to end its misery. Posting clipart, videos, uploading images, and formatting text has never been easier! You might call it "editor for the rich" if it weren't available for free to the most oppressed workers and peasants among us.
FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES:
TAX DAY HOPE & JOY
To automate the growing number of grievances, reduce paperwork, and bring the grievance collecting into the 21st century, the Obama Administration has created a new agency, the U.S. Department of Grievances, linked with other agencies and taxpayers through the newly launched Hope'N'Change Operating System.
Given that the most optimistic evaluation of Obama's stimulus plan included this language, "If we do everything right, there's still a 30 percent chance we'll get it wrong," and that the government's record of "getting everything right" is shaky at best, the new department's current goal is to prepare for the impending "30%" outcome.
If you and your family find yourself among the 30-percenters, you may submit your Grievance Report, which the government will redress within the limits of its estimated efficiency rate of 70%.
| || |
This tax season you have surely wondered why you weren't allowed to claim your talking parakeet as a dependent. Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
GLORY BE TO THE PARTY!
If you have seen yesterday's announcement about the site's glorious people's upgrade, you may think that this is it. But let it be known that the selfless database conversion has been a heroic, massive, and unparalleled failure! As Karl Marx has predicted, the old content refused to be redistributed equally in the new Party-approved space.
We shall redouble our efforts and in the next few days hope to achieve a glorious liquidation of the digital kulaks and saboteurs that stand in the way of the people's unstoppable march towards a just and equitable user experience and website functionality.
In the meantime, consider yesterday's announcement an International April Fools Joke. In fact, we must strive to make the Day of World-Wide Solidarity of Fools happen not just in April, but all year round!
Fools of the World, Unite!
April 1: The People Cube is Five Years Old!
Classics from the Cube
Cube's writer at Groupthink computer
Within this period we have posted nine million articles that were viewed by sixty billion people in more than three hundred thousand countries. Our stories were quoted on ninety million websites and translated into fifteen thousand languages. Our mailroom workers responded to sixty four million fan emails, and the site membership has exceeded seventy hundred million registered users.
See previous glorious celebrations >>
The People Cube's Greatest Hits (in no particular order)
|APRIL FOOLS DAY IN PEOPLE'S CUBE HISTORY |
| Reconciliation: When the wants and desires |
of the Royals outweigh the will of the people.
Another instant People's Classic by Maksim!
Comrades, recently I called in a favor from an apparatchik in Colonel 7.62's department and obtained a combination Visa to The Future™ and hall pass. I was wondering what kind of glorious utopia awaits us when Chairman Obama's work is done well underway and Changeable Hopeyness has taken hold. With the benefit of the top-secret technology in the Department of Chronological Warfare (and a couple of cartons of cigarettes), I was able to take a look...
The date: January 20, 2019*, Chairman Obama's last full day in office. Here is his top secret schedule from that day...
OFF KARAKTER China Says U.S. Too Big To Fail, Offers Obama Bailout
Metaphorical tea-bagging befalls moonbats who become overconfident and register activist ".org" sites without a ".com" version.
Which is exactly what happened to Cindy "campout" Sheehan and David "Gloria" Swanson when they started peaceoftheaction.org as part of a new scheme to lure the unwashed progs into a tent camp in front of the White House, to shake fists and demand a surrender of America's "imperial forces" to all enemies, foreign and domestic. A People's Cube member who discovered their omission immediately bought peaceoftheaction.com for us to play with...
During the recent meeting with President Obama, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao minced no words when he stated that "immediate action is necessary to keep a once prosperous nation" from falling flat on its face.
"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients."
"Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."