Comrades, recently I called in a favor from an apparatchik in Colonel 7.62's department and obtained a combination Visa to The Future™ and hall pass. I was wondering what kind of glorious utopia awaits us when Chairman Obama's work is done well underway and Changeable Hopeyness has taken hold. With the benefit of the top-secret technology in the Department of Chronological Warfare (and a couple of
cartons of cigarettes), I took a look...
The date: January 20, 2019*, Chairman Obama's last full day in office. Here is his top secret schedule from that day...
Which is exactly what happened to Cindy "campout" Sheehan and David "Gloria" Swanson when they started peaceoftheaction.org as part of a new scheme to lure the unwashed progs into a tent camp in front of the White House, to shake fists and demand a surrender of America's "imperial forces" to all enemies, foreign and domestic. A People's Cube member who discovered their omission immediately bought peaceoftheaction.com for us to play with...
"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients."
"Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."
That may change with the latest Fistgate scandal, which exposed Obama's Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jenning's proclivity to teach young children such non-conventional sexual techniques as fisting. "Progressives" are Fisters!
Speakers included Steve Maltzberg, Curtis Sliwa, Andy McCarthy, Debra Burlingame, and others.
A large elevated LCD screen to the right of the stage alternated images of the speakers with close-ups of the audience, their home-made signs bobbing like white sails above the sea of umbrellas. In spite of the cold rain, over five hundred people showed up. On a better day the turnout surely would have been in the thousands.
|SPECIAL THANKSGIVING ISSUE (FROM THE PEOPLE'S ARCHIVES):
As much as I abhor Christianity, I occasionally attend progressive churches in my community - as long as the pastor expounds on socialism and its variants like environmental causes, and the rights of the oppressed masses of gays, wymyn, African-Americans, Palestinians, Hugo Chavez, and Hezbollah. Our local pastor, thank Lenin, rarely talks about anything else. He even asked me, a Marxist, to compose a prayer for this week's Thanksgiving sermon. Now, everybody knows that Thanksgiving observance does nothing more than perpetuate the Holocaust of the Native American. What positive meaning could be found in such a grotesquely shameful holiday? Well, my admirable laser-sharp mind of an economist with three PhDs immediately found a brilliant, socially significant answer. I wrote a prayer thanking God for the gift of government, and thanking the government for the gift of taxes.
Last Thursday a flying saucer landed in my backyard. A friendly, if slightly disoriented alien pilot told me he needed a drink. I had just what he wanted, since this was Thanksgiving and all.
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
Goodbye, America, my country!
Goodbye, my dearest, goodbye.
Above our heads is rising sultry,
Socialistic crimson sky.
"The management can say whatever they want, but I personally blame Bush," said Fred Fluger, a longtime employee, as he carried home a storage box filled with "I Hate Bush" shirts, sweaters, boxers, beach towels, and pajamas, with which the cash-stripped company had been paying its workers for the last three months.
Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.
On the heels of a half-assed attempt at assassination of a Saudi official by an al-Qaeda operative who had a pound of explosives stuck up his rectum, comes this latest al-Qaeda training video. We have obtained the full transcript.
Ass-Sahab and Purple Jihad present
GET LUCKY WITH A BOMB
UP YOUR BUTT
Al-Qaeda Training Video
Al Sharpton was the first to speak. "I always knew that anybody opposing Barack Obama for any reason was a racist...
LATEST IN PEOPLE'S KARAOKE
Why is this president always doing the opposite of what needs to be done? Instead of supporting Iranian protesters, he snubs them. Instead of snubbing the ousted Honduran would-be dictator, he invites him to Washington. Instead of leading the world, he apologizes to it. Instead of offering a new vision, he resurrects hoary cliche's. Instead of promoting liberty, he bows to kings and hugs tyrants.
Some think he acts like an enchanted prince; others think he's a spoiled brat. But there's a method to this madness; its logic should be obvious to anyone familiar with antiquated leftist cliche's, which Barack Obama seems to have smuggled into the White House without as much as pausing to brush aside the decades-old creepy cobwebs.
Banking on a wildly successful media coverage of its efforts to transform the backward, individualistic America into a nation of enlightened state-worshippers ruled by unelected czars, the administrative branch is preparing for a next radical reform that will further streamline the system and dispel the accusations of oligarchic rule by concentrating all the powers enumerated, extrapolated, and imagined under the constitution in the hands of only one man.
Said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "We must urgently streamline the decision-making process because the time for talk is over. The outdated 19th century idea of reading and debating bills must end. Face it, not only does debate delay immediate action, so does voting."
Since the best minds of the country have concluded that health care is a basic human right, it must also be presumed that this right automatically includes the most fundamental component of all human health - food. Leading nation's scientists have long been warning us that denying a person the nutrition from food impairs health in the most direct and injurious manner.
Today the debate is over: the right to health and the right to food are pretty much one and the same - the inalienable human right to have your bodily functions regulated by the government for your own good.
"I don't know where this President is taking our country if a student can no longer openly express his idealistic aspirations and make a difference," says English teacher who oversaw the publication...
Within a few short years, similar revolutions happened in almost every country of the world, especially Canada. Now that the dream had become an incredibly colorful reality, it was time for the unwashed everywhere to develop the theory and tactics of the revolutionary movement according to their ability to access the capitalist parent's wallets.
|The end of summer rapidly approaches, but there is still time for your child's indoctrination at Kamp Obama!
At Kamp Obama we educate young skulls full of mush in such progressive activities as groupthink, activism, denunciations, and show trials. From Marx and Engels to Alinsky and Ayers, your child will learn the best tactics, thinking techniques, and viewpoints. In addition to fun, we train in the following useful skills that he, she, or it will need as a progressive adult:
|Considering the overwhelming response to these designs, we created
a few new items for sale with them: http://www.zazzle.com/red_square
The selection of cities is not final, but they will most likely be Dallas and Houston in a nod to the Democratic desire to attack cities in a "red" state.
As part of a new incentive tied to Obama's upcoming healthcare reform, the network of Planned Grandparenthood Centers are to begin running ads, themed "Double Cash for Your Old Coot."
The push offers a cash incentive or zero-percent financing on top of free government plans for all families whose trade-in old-timers qualify for the government's program known as "Cash for Clunkers," up to a maximum of four grandparents over 70 years of age.
White House Press Secretary Robert Glib insists the President is healthy and blames his "somewhat altered demeanor" on the Republican steamrolling. "It makes the President flat angry and steaming for days; his head seems to be about to explode," says Glib.
It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today! Stop settling for second best, get your huge bailout here!
In this installment, the Cube goes to Chicago...
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
After nearly 5,000 hate-night broadcasts, Quagmire "ODB" Letterman remains one of the sickest and unfunniest dirty old men in the history of conservative-bashing on television.
Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs!
"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our cities?
You will be introduced to twelve Czars, who hold varying positions of power within the administration.
The great thing about them is that Czars operate with impunity and are "under the radar" when it comes to making policy. They are accountable to no one except the President and, oh man, can they dance.
President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
The idea is similar to the People's Cube FAQ, that is, if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must begin with "How to fight capitalism with Global Warming?"
|At the end of his presidency, Obama reveals his imaginary friend whose name is "Collective Economic Worth of Amerika." Mr. Obama seems to be the only one capable of seeing his little friend.||Obama announces his running mate, whom he met at the circus, the magical fairy elf Jobama O'Biden.|
As all principled Democrats are pounding their uncompromising collective fist on the GOP's big tent, demanding that conservatives compromise their principles, and even Colin Powell has joined their unanimous opinion about the glaring lack of diverse opinions among Republicans, conservatives are clearly left with no other choice than to move their big tent down from the moral high ground to where the progressive majority is, so it can be better monitored by the media and have easy access for morally disabled persons with diverse opinions.
So, Michael Savage is a thoughtcriminal. I humbly beseech with shovel in hand for Commissar Smith to place me on the banned list with Michael Savage.
Here are my thought crimes:
Belittled by America's arrogant self-reliance, individualism, and competitiveness, the government has finally organized and launched a fierce counterattack against American citizens by increasing their taxes, destroying their wealth, restricting their economic freedoms, controlling their guns, indoctrinating their children, and limiting their free speech.
This was written when I still lived in Ukraine in the early 1990s. It was intended to be a chapter in a fact-based novel, as yet unpublished. Although the Communist Party had been officially disbanded, it still maintained a firm grip on the country, using every means of manipulation available.
Proponents of leftist ideologies around the world share one common trait: they always demand to be included, but once you let them in, they force everybody else out, while refusing to leave themselves.
A symbol of suffering and sacrifice for The Greater Good™. Used in hard labor therapy or in self-criticism sessions to redeem potential thought crimes. Every citizen must keep his or her shovel in good repair at all times and bring it to the railroad station if called to duty by the Commissar. The shovel is an important part of Earth Day festival, or Sacrificial Earth Shoveling Day, celebrating the death and rebirth of Great Lenin.
In this sense, the conference of religious leaders and scholars from around the world, titled "From Security to Homelessness: Moses and the Renegade Exodus of the Hebrews" was the first major event of its kind, focusing on Moses' fraudulent activities and the resulting major humanitarian disaster called the Exodus.
While some of today's comparisons between Obama and communist dictators may go over the top, the general direction of such thinking is not without merit: since they share a utopian goal of forced equality, it's logical to expect that their methods may also converge at some point. To wit, recent actions from Obama reminded me of a ploy Stalin used on Western entrepreneurs, which in itself is an illustrative morality play contrasting the differences between socialism and capitalism.
"My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks," Barack Obama told the CEOs of the world's most powerful financial institutions on March 27, when they cited competition for talent in an international market as justification for paying higher salaries to their employees.
Someone emailed us a caption for this image "Doing the Darfur Shuffle." This prompted us to animate it so it looks more like a real party. Pick a tune you like to watch it with - below are some Party-approved suggestions. The best way to listen is put the mouse over the link and click on "play" inside the little window.
Anything we missed? Suggest other tunes in the comments.
Many of you maintain a strong loving relationship with your cats, dogs, hamsters, or sheep. You can't imagine life without your pet - just like your next door neighbor whose companion happens to be human - yet you are denied the same rights, respect, and recognition that your neighbor enjoys - only because your companion happens to be a member of another species.
This discussion started as an auxiliary tunnel on another thread dedicated to Zen and the Art of Shovel Maintenance, but the Party is convinced that it deserves to be dug as a glorious separate tunnel. Sharpen your shovels, comrades!
Think of guilt as secondary taxation. While the government extracts the first round of money by taxing a limited number of activities by wealth creators (with the help of a mind-numbing tax code), the imposition of guilt allows us to extract the remaining money in virtually unlimited amounts by associating guilt with the broadest range of activities - from what you eat to how big your toilet tank is. Most of you are guilty merely for breathing air, and the number of victims suffering from your noxious CO2 exhaust is unlimited - from the whole planet Earth to endangered microscopic communities of bacteria that thrive collectively...
A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing. Take the Guilt Quiz >
I have been outed by the unbiased media and members of the US Congress as the sole cause of all wars, poverty, famines, country music, and Republicanism. Every disaster in the last two thousand years has been traced back to my long, scaly tentacles...
Did you know that if you translate "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" into Russian, it becomes "the vodka is agreeable but the meat has gone bad"? Literal translations can be tricky that way.
It seems that no translators were harmed in the manufacturing of Hillary Clinton's "reset" button, which she presented to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in Geneva on Friday.
"We worked hard to get the right Russian word," Clinton addressed Lavrov in a deliberately slow voice, as if talking to a special-needs child. "Do you think we got it?"
"You got it wrong," Lavrov answered in fluent English. "This says 'peregruzka,' which means overcharged."
There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model...
It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today!
Given that the most optimistic evaluation of Obama's stimulus plan included this language, "If we do everything right, there's still a 30 percent chance we'll get it wrong," and that the government's record of "getting everything right" is shaky at best, the new department's current goal is to prepare for the impending "30%" outcome.
If you and your family find yourself among the 30-percenters, you may submit your Grievance Report, which the government will redress within the limits of its estimated efficiency rate of 70%.
Political editorial humor may be dead, but the Oscars are alive and well and our picks are:
Best push of a political agenda in a motion picture:
Best Supporting Actor:
Best Foreign Film:
Best original screenplay:
|Advice from an
old Ukrainian Rabbi
in Pajamas Media
Although the mainstream media won't report it as such, Obama's approval numbers are shrinking. Which means that elsewhere, certain numbers are growing - the unreported-by-the-MSM growing numbers of Americans who are kicking themselves for not having bothered to read the small print underneath the word "change."
The small print was kind of blurry, while "change" was spelled in huge, pleasing letters on the signs they held at the rallies. The fierce urgency of now was in the air. Everybody was in such a hurry to bring about change; there was no time to ask "why" or "what kind of change." As objectivity faded into the sunset, their individual brains melted into a euphoric
collective mush, swirling around the only remaining absolute - change. In the absence of other standards, the truth became a mere matter of taste, subject to change without notice. If it didn't change, it wasn't the truth.
Our friends in Denver - El Marco and Comradette Ronitchka - joined the protest on the steps of the Colorado State Capitol where Obama signed the Pork Bill this Tuesday (2.17.09). They took photos, which they posted on their blog, including one of Michelle Malkin holding a People's Cube poster. There were quite a few of our other posters there. Find them all!
How To Get In Touch With Your Inner Comrade
Get a firm grip of your proletarian shovel and make several slow, deep and heavy digs, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Dig in peace and love for the common good until you start experiencing the people's pain, suffering, and hatred of the class enemy, its running dogs, and capitalism in general...
|NOW ONLY $7.50 + FREE SHIPPING!
A flexible magnetic sticker 8x3.5" for your fridge (also looks great on a shovel)!
SEE IT IN THE PEOPLE'S STORE >>
* * *
Four hundred years ago, Miguel Cervantes described an archetypal delirious fruitcake who wanted to change the world by turning the clock back to the idealized Utopian times that never really existed. Imagine what Cervantes would write today about the futility of his satirical effort, if he were to learn that four centuries later, a whole movement would arise that emulated his loony character and elected one of their kind as the leader of the free world.
One of our images born of the creative power of the masses (and delivered to us in full glory by Superkommissar Maksim) has been chosen to adorn a book cover in Italy. We have been contacted by the author Donatella Della Ratta and prepared a high-resolution image for her cover designer. We expect the books to arrive shortly and hope this is not some capitalist ruse but a mighty progressive blow at Western imperialism.
Waging Jihad against the Zionists just got easier. With Hamas® brand "Intifada Baby Armor" your mission to destroy Israel can be achieved even sooner. You'll love these new features:
Infant not included
COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER:
For generations to come Americans will benefit from our footing in the War on Terror, citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan will enjoy the opportunity to live in freedom, and millions of Africans will live without disease because of President Bush.
He will be remembered as one who did whatever was necessary to defend your country from terrorism, staying the course...
LATEST IN PEOPLE'S KARAOKE:
Q: How many autoworkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 17 at GM, Ford and Chrysler; 1 at Honda, Hyundai and Toyota.
Q: How many Chicago pols does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: F--- you, what am I gettin' outta this?
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's burnt out on the Republican side, so we're not changing it.
Q: How many MSM journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No need, Obama is the Light.
"My offer is backed by not only legal precedent and a long-standing tradition of the Democrat Party which I represent," said Reid, "but also by Article I of the Constitution which I revere. If that's not progressive generosity, nothing is."
(Just as progressive poets have liberated the verse from the oppression of rhyme, we have liberated our haikus from the archaic 5-7-5 syllable restriction, which was a purely bourgeois formality. Who needs to count? Report them to the nearest ACLU officer!)
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
Study finds stunning lack of racial, gender, and economic diversity among middle-class white males
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
People holding '$15 an Hour Now' posters sue Democratic party demanding raise to $15 an hour for rendered professional protesting services
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Biden: 'If I had a Ferguson (hic), it would look like a city'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
The aftermath of the 'War on Women 2014' finds a new 'Lost Generation' of disillusioned Democrat politicians, unable to cope with life out of office
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Desperate Democratic candidates plead with Obama to stop backing them and instead support their GOP opponents
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
African countries to ban all flights from the United States because "Obama is incompetent, it scares us"
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Revised 1st Amendment: buy one speech, get the second free
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
White House pledges to embarrass ISIS back to the Stone Age with a barrage of fearsome Twitter messages and fatally ironic Instagram photos
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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