To highlight the urgent need for these measures and to emphasize the many successes of government-run automaking, we present the 2008 Government-Subsidized Auto Show. All automobile manufacturers are rated according to the Red Star system, with five stars as the highest award.
...that if Pres. George W. Bush really WERE Hitler, most of his political opponents would be dead by now?
...that after almost 50 yrs on this planet, the US Presidency will be Barack Obama's first REAL job?
...that if politicians could run things like the auto industry successfully, the Soviet Union WOULDN'T have collapsed?
His name was Ollie and he came to Earth looking for an honest, self-reliant, optimistic, and technically inclined nation that could benefit from a contact with his more advanced civilization.
"Whoa, whoa!" I raised my finger. "To call yourself advanced you must take at least three diversity training classes. What planet are you from, really?"
Communists of Petersburg and the Leningrad Oblast have issued an official statement on Barack Obama's victory in the 2008 presidential election. They are the same glorious party who earlier denounced Harrison Ford with Cate Blanchett for the anti-Soviet propaganda in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and most recently accused Olga Kurylenko of treason for playing the new Bond girl.
"The days of the bloodthirsty and thieving Bush administration are ending. The American people have rejected the rabid Russophobia and anti-Sovietism of McCain. We, the Communists, believe that McCain must respond to his own defeat like an honorable officer and shoot himself in the head. Or there will be no respect left for him..."
To this end The Peoples Cube presents the "Order of Republican Moderation" as a reward to those Moderate Republicans who show courage and bravery in ridding the world of conservatism, in the following categories:
Comrades! November 4th 2008 shall be inscribed in golden letters in the history of the international revolutionary movement as the day when American workers, peasants, and toiling intelligentsia finally rose to reject the archaic idea of American exceptionalism. Our agents in the academia, mass media, and trivial entertainment divisions have lived up to the Party's expectations in swaying the voting populace into throwing off the chains of accountability, integrity, and individualism - and embracing their true nature as a mote of a vast collective.
Below is a list of mandatory slogans for spontaneous pronouncements at congratulatory rallies, approved by the Central Committee of the Democrat Party of the United States of America (DPUSA) for the official four-year-long celebration of Change.
Comrades from all over the world are converging. Young, old, dead, plant, pets, oatmeal and just everyone and everything in between is ready, willing and now registered to hand Senator Obama -- OUR SAVIOR -- a solid and decisive VICTORY!
|PEOPLE'S HALLOWEEN 2008
In this election season, Americans are becoming increasingly convinced that if they don't vote Democrat they will all get sick, paralyzed, dismembered, and ultimately die for lack of on-demand embryos available for their consumption. The good news is, once they are dead they'll be voting Democrat forever! Dead voters are playing a progressively important role in the American democratic process, consistently casting their votes for the Democratic Party. According to "Countdown" on MSNBC, the International Coalition of Dead Voters has endorsed all Democratic candidates in this election cycle. "We have always sided with progress and unilateral disarmament, and it is very important that this November all dead people of good will, once again, vote Democrat," said the Coalition's spokesperson to Keith Olbermann in a segment called Bush Disenfranchises The American Dead. "Not all of us are from this country, though" the spokesperson said, adding that a standard term for his constituents would be "necro-proxies."
The scientific consensus is clear: while Republicans spread freedom and democracy, Democrats spread sexually transmitted diseases.
Meet Bam the Driller as he dances to the rhythm of his trusty jackhammer, making holes in your wallets, border fences, talk radio microphones, school vouchers, prison cells, babies' heads, and US military.
Cameo appearances of Wright, Chavez, Farrakhan, Marx, Mumia, Raines, and others.
NOT FUNNYFirst published in
Our out-of-character reporting in Pajamas Media appeared on Drudge Report and hundreds of other websites within hours:
While the Democrat-leaning media continues to scare undecided voters with bedtime stories about some mythical angry McCain supporter whom nobody has seen, here is a real district attorney's complaint documenting an unprovoked assault by an enraged Democrat against a McCain volunteer in midtown Manhattan: "Defendant grabbed the sign [informant] was
holding, broke the wood stick that was attached to it, and then struck informant in informant's face thereby causing informant to sustain redness, swelling, and bruising to informant's face and further causing informant to sustain substantial pain."
|First published in American Thinker
A unanimously negative media response to the political slapstick movie American Carol reinforces my theory that humor -- and satire in particular -- is an accurate litmus test of one's political and ideological convictions, even if one insists on having no convictions at all. If you want to check your friends' politics, take them to see this conservative comedy and watch the reaction.
Committed liberals won't laugh at conservative humor and vice versa. If they don't agree on the joke's basic philosophical premise, the sting will miss the spot and the joker will be shrugged off as a pathetic fool (for reference see conservative reaction to any of the David Letterman shows in the last ten years).
"Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn't it?" the plumber asked...
|People's Karaoke: Turn up Your Speakers!|
"It's truly an honor to receive such a covetized award," the president said in a few brief remarks at the ceremony honoring his achievement, "but we cannot forget that this was made possible only through the work and dedication of our excellent military personnel." Progressives everywhere were on their feet, chanting Progress! Progress!, applauding, cheering, and waving American flags.
A view at today's security issues from the distant future. Works as a great standalone video regardless of the fact that it is, in fact, the KG3's answer to American Centurion, the latest political short from the makers of BLUE BALLED and the New York-based TruthThroughAction.org, an organization creating online videos in support of "progressive" issues and candidates.
The restoration of the Fairness Doctrine has enabled us better to manage the information coming out about the various problems of the Administration. The New York Times is continuing to work with us on getting your message out to their 86 subscribers, who are behind you 100% of the time.
GET OUT THERE NOW! GET OUT! GET OUT! HE IS RAINING ON THE MESSIAH'S PARADE! HE IS RAINING ON THE MESSIAH'S PARADE! SARAH PALIN IS INEXPERIENCED! SHE HAS NO EXPERIENCE! SHE IS A GOVERNOR -- A GOVERNOR! SHE WAS NEVER A COMMUNITY ACTIVIST! FOR THE LOVE OF THE MESSIAH! RUN THE TAPES OF THE TEMPLE CORONATION! MCSAME IS CHANGING THE STORY! INEXPERIENCE! SHE IS DAN QUAYLE! SHE! SHE! SHE IS A SHE! DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! GET JOE BIDEN! BOOK JOE BIDEN! SWEET MERCIFUL STALIN!
This is an Internet version of Victor Vashi's original book, which is long out of print and the publisher no longer exists. The message of this book is so vital and well delivered we felt it a shame not to share it with the world.
Especially considering the recent attempts by Russia's ruling elite to bring back the glory of the good old USSR.
In a stunning upset here at Beijing, Lamar Ferguson of Marietta, GA, won gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawnmower event over the heavily favored Mexican champion, Pedro Rodriguez.
Our special correspondent Blogunov, who is in Beijing making sure that all events receive equal coverage, interviewed Ferguson for the People's Cube.
Below are some of our suggestions, broken down by categories. Feel free to add your own.
What the artifacts of Atlantis have told the world, is a story of the demise of a once great nation whose citizens grew spoiled and apathetic as they forgot the reasons for their success and allowed a sense of entitlement and self-loathing to set in.
WARNING: These videos contain extremely forward-thinking language. Send your children (if any) to play in the street or something before watching.
Barack Obama attended high school (or was it school, high? Nah, go with the first one) at the prestigious George Orwell Academy for the Political Performing Arts on the West Side of Chicago. There, he met his best friends for the next few years, Fat Albert and Rerun.
Barack Obama was born Steven Urkel in a log cabin near Springfield, Illinois. His father was a militant piano tuner from one of those African countries where they change the national boundaries every other week. His mother was a loan officer at the Oppressed Proletariat Bank and Trust Company where she spent her days rejecting loans to people who had little more to cling to than God and guns. As a communist, she hated that her job forced her to oppress the poor and disenfranchised; but, also as a communist, she loved power and control so she threw herself into her work with alacrity. His father, not finding a large number of militant pianos in the American Great Plains, left the fledgling family for places with more bellicose musical tastes, leaving young Steven and his mom to fight capitalism alone.
Every Obama's nut is unique with various properties and characteristics and has the ability to induce hope, as well as store, receive, and transmit energy. Other legendary properties include the ability to attract compassion and understanding of the media, reveal the location of other people's money, ward off unwanted inquiries, and prevent drug overdose.
As you may remember, in Dec. 2007, Iran's official propaganda website used our spoof image "Iran heart Jews" to illustrate a "current truth" that Jews are welcome in the Islamic Republic of Iran (see below).
We urge the congress to shut up and open ANBR (the Algore Numbskull Baldspot Refuge)
DRILL HERE. DRILL NOW. DRILL AL.*
Satellite imagery reveals that despite protests by Greenazi groups of "damage to pristine forestation!", the area targeted for drilling is, in fact barren of any foliage whatsoever. The first glimpse of gore's "flesh tone beanie" at the democrat convention in august 2000...
But it turns out that Obama's sudden rightward shift has an easy and rational explanation: he has an evil twin who often poses as Good Obama and spouts disturbingly non-progressive views. The absolute resemblance of the Obama twins makes it almost impossible to distinguish between the two, although it has been reported that Evil Obama wears a goatee.
Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
Thus spoke Che: "Friends, muchachos, comrades, fellow revolutionaries: Listen carefully to my words, for I have been granted leave from the netherworld only for a sufficient time to deliver a prophecy that shall guide your social policy when you take the reins of power ...
In the words of Boston Legal's creator David E. Kelley, "This court decision gives Hollywood elites a rare opportunity to correct American biases toward terrorists...
This is a parody of TruthThroughAction.org's short film, Blue Balled. The original film, horribly edited, has a message so badly cobbled together that to parody it is like whacking a pinata with a boat oar, sans blindfold. But we couldn't resist. The film is so self-satisfyingly smug it has a virtual "kick me" sign on it.
With the refrain that "it is all Bush's fault" echoing through the halls, it was little surprise that the New-Age Faiths offered their unanimous endorsement to Senator Barack Hussein Obama's presidential campaign.
"In its wider crackdown which has started from Saturday, police will confront those who appear in public in an indecent way and will also seal off shops selling un-Islamic dress," the newspaper said, quoting an unnamed police official.
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?"
The Goddess on the Mountain Top
She's thinkin' she could beat the Man
Got toppled by a thousand fools
all chanting "Yes We Can!"
He's got it!
Obama, he's got it!
He's the savior-
He's on fire-
He's your Messiah!
The Party looks kindly at your attempts to correct and improve history by unobtrusively modifying the Google logo on notable calendar dates. For years you have zealously informed the masses about progressive and useful events like Earth Day or Earth Hour, while purposefully ignoring Memorial Day (no logo change on this reactionary American holiday). Most recently, you enlightened the unwashed about the Spanish artist VelÃ¡zquez on June 6 without mentioning the Allied Invasion of Normandy on D-Day, a celebration of which would indeed be offensive to National Socialists.
The automaker communities are widely celebrating the event with eco-friendly block parties, Earth fairs, outdoor concerts of New Age music, drum circles in the wilderness, meditations, body painting, and unrhymed poetry readings that venerate the earth as a living, spiritual being that feels pain when it is bring drilled for oil.
Reactionary satirists have begun their usual demonization of progressives leaders.
Leave it to rightwingers to describe Barack Obama as Hitler, Alfred E. Newman, or Barakula! Progressive satirists would've never done this to Republican candidates! We would've never printed a picture of George Bush as Alfred E. Newman on a magazine cover and ranked it in top 40 best magazine covers! We would've never put a mustache on Bush's face and call him Bushitler. And there's more...
The tone of the event was set by the Director of the Expediency Council of Iran, who nodded off before finishing his welcoming address. "Today more than ever, the Islamic World is in need of wakefulness of Muslims," he said as he slowly slid behind the pulpit.
WHO ARE THEY?
Presenting new hit single from the greatest songwriting team the world has ever known:
The unverbalized question on everyone's mind is, has the Empress finally initiated the feared nuclear sequence by terminating the most influential superdelegate who was among the first to abandon her and join Obama's faction?
Join the pre-emptive memorial thread.
I once started writing a comment on the Offensive Arts thread but it turned out bigger and more serious than I had expected. It kept growing the next day and the day after that. When it was fully grown I trimmed it a bit, brushed off some odd pieces, and sent it to Pajamas Media.
This new section is a must see. And when the Party says you must, it means that you must.
This article shows how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.
Comrades! Such Progress Our Progressive Progressivism the World Has Never Seen!
Can't win at the ballot box? Get a Chevy Bill Ayers!
No money down and your daddy pays the rest!
Carter hard at work as Hamas members prepare to launch fireworks in celebration.
After finishing Habitat for Hamsters in San Francisco, President Jimmy Carter went on to start a new Habitat for Hamas project in Gaza, building new homes for families whose homes were destroyed by Israeli bulldozers in retaliation for suicide bombings.
In this sense, the conference of religious leaders and scholars from around the world, titled "From Security to Homelessness: Moses and the Renegade Exodus of the Hebrews" was the first major event of its kind, focusing on Moses' fraudulent activities and the resulting major humanitarian disaster called the Exodus.
Western terror labs have finally produced a weapon so horrific that it has shaken Islamic world to the core, making over a billion people from Morocco to Indonesia fear for the survival of their freedoms, morals, beliefs, cultures, governments, and the very life itself. The new weapon of terror, the so-called "Cartoon," is capable of delivering an equivalent of one million Hiroshima bombs, resulting in a horrendous mass destruction like none seen on Earth before.
"I see no way to combat this horrific infidel weapon other than by balanced, fair, and rational hostage-taking, bomb-throwing, and embassy-burning, based on strict Islamic law and mutual understanding of our commin goal, which is the Islamization of Earth. These methods have proven efficient in dealing with the West in the past..."
The mystery letter of the day is "D."
Why don't we hear this phrase in the news anymore: "The Culture of Corruption" as in: "Culture of corruption is so pre-2006 elections"?
The answer is in the magical letter "D" next to a politician's name, which tends to vanish mysteriously in news media reports!
Brought to you by the MSM: "Indulging your fantasies because the truth is just too hard to bear"
The next mystery letter of the day: "-"
When we entered Bosnian airspace the sky was filled with the Serbian Luftwaffe intent on shooting down our humanitarian expedition. Sinbad manned the rear gun turret and Sheryl Crow... uhm... womanned the belly turret. The flak was very heavy in that dark, cold and rainy night. We could see the bright flashes and black oily smoke of the bursting shells. We had never flown a night mission before. It was hell!
"I can no more disown Reverend Wright than I can disown class struggle and redistribution of wealth," said charismatic Obama who is believed to stand above the racial divide. His speech was often interrupted by a thunderous applause from the audience of political activists and news reporters, so united in their eagerness that it was impossible to tell one from the other.
The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.
"Have you been bad?"
"Ooooh, I've been a big, bad corporation...."
Speaking to a bipartisan council of mayors opposed to airplane violence, Bloomberg said, "There is no issue more important than fighting crime. On 9-11 thousands of Americans were murdered with airplanes, and most airplanes used in crimes are hijacked illegally...
Hugo Chavez is threatening to invade neighboring Colombia after he gave $300 million to the Marxist terrorists of FARC. On March 15-19 2008, the international Left is going to hold traditional "anti-war" rallies. Will they condemn the fascistic regime of Hugo Chavez? Not likely. Progressives don't oppose wars started by socialist dictators. Their idea of "peace" was best expressed by Karl Marx: "Peace is the absence of opposition to socialism."
Warning: some questions are more equal than others, and some answers will make you want to slap yourself upside the head with a shovel.
Although vPlugs are a valuable tool to assist you in voting for a candidate you don't support, Voter Aides Inc. is not responsible for broken campaign promises or any other use of presidential powers. We make no claims of a smaller government, lower tax rates, strict constructionist judges, free speech protection, appropriate interrogation of captured terrorists, continued Gitmo policy, securing our borders, drilling in ANWR, and rejection of man-made global warming myths.
Culture = A Massive Sham Perpetrated by Rich Capitalist Oppressors
Laugh all you want at George Lakoff's advice for the Democrats to win by framing the debate and altering the vocabulary. Language is a key battleground in culture wars, and as soon as you step into your opponent's frame of reference and start identifying bad weather as climate change, illiteracy as public education, and freedom as desperate need of care and supervision, you may lose not just the debate...
I am His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshall Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC ['Victorious Cross'], DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular, and Professor of Geography. I have come here to endorse Hillary Rodham's presidency and answer any of your questions in this regard.
Having supported every wall-related cause and courageously stared down the free world over hundreds of minor injustices involving walls, co-founder and former lead singer of Pink Floyd Roger Waters has announced that he will take 'The Wall' performances to the Muslim world to protest the practice of crushing homosexuals with walls.
"I've already dragged my Wall concerts around the world to protest against walls, fences, and miscellaneous types of enclosures," explains Waters.
Here's my answer. I came up with it during one of my Leer Jet trips to Asia. The place was crawling with useless, carbon-breathing babies. The babies are the ultimate mindless consumers. They don't contribute anything to society except waste, gas, noise, and general disturbance...
"...I run the daily cartoon thread at Free Republic where I occasionally post your wonderful work. IAC, I post more than 13,000 cartoons per year & at the end of each month several of us select the top 15 for that month (at the end of the year, members of Free Republic can vote on the resulting 180 cartoons in the Best Of The Year preliminary round voting)... Your cartoon finished 10th for Best Cartoon of 2007! I've attached your "trophy...."
A GAME THAT NO ONE EVER LOSES MAKES A PERFECT STATEMENT ABOUT OUR TIMES
John Martin, Special to The Province
Published Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Every era is partially defined by the popular culture that emerged during that period. And now there's a product that speaks volumes about today's particular point in time...
"There I was!" she declared, throwing her arms akimbo like an old war horse at the hunting lodge preparing to tell a tale of life and death on the Saranghetti. "Iranian student radicals to the right of me, Mullahs to the left. Was I frightened? No. I planted my feet firmly in the sand, I looked those savages straight in the eye and I said: you release those hostages, you! You release those uninsured middle-class Americans from our embassy right now before we take office! Don't get me mad, you people don't know who you're dealing with! And the rest is history."
Rubiks & Rubik’s Cube ® used by special individual permission of Seven Town Ltd.
New Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"
Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for president
Hillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidence
In effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkas
TV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoons
Russia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"
Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis Island
Green energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energy
State officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lottery
NASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budget
ISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios
'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch break
ISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned Parenthood
Shocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same people
John Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the side
Citizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space drone
Chicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekend
Cuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductibles
Student job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessons
Junior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinals
US media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States?'
China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"
Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%
America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith
Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine
Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths
Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State
President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise
Police: If Obama had a convenience store, it would look like Obama Express Food Market
NASA: We're 80% sure about being 20% sure about being 17% sure about being 38% sure about 2014 being the hottest year on record
Cuba-US normalization: US tourists flock to see Cuba before it looks like the US and Cubans flock to see the US before it looks like Cuba
White House describes attacks on Sony Pictures as 'spontaneous hacking in response to offensive video mocking Juche and its prophet'
CIA responds to Democrat calls for transparency by releasing the director's cut of The Making Of Obama's Birth Certificate
Obama: 'If I had a city, it would look like Ferguson'
Obama signs executive order renaming 'looters' to 'undocumented shoppers'
Ethicists agree: two wrongs do make a right so long as Bush did it first
White House: Republican takeover of the Senate is a clear mandate from the American people for President Obama to rule by executive orders
Nurse Kaci Hickox angrily tells reporters that she won't change her clocks for daylight savings time
Democratic Party leaders in panic after recent poll shows most Democratic voters think 'midterm' is when to end pregnancy
Ebola Czar issues five-year plan with mandatory quotas of Ebola infections per each state based on voting preferences
Fun facts about world languages: the Left has more words for statism than the Eskimos have for snow
Nobel Peace Prize controversy: Hillary not nominated despite having done even less than Obama to deserve it
Obama: 'Ebola is the JV of viruses'
BREAKING: Secret Service foils Secret Service plot to protect Obama
Sharpton calls on white NFL players to beat their women in the interests of racial fairness
President Obama appoints his weekly approval poll as new national security adviser
Obama wags pen and phone at Putin; Europe offers support with powerful pens and phones from NATO members
Obama to fight ISIS with new federal Terrorist Regulatory Agency
Harry Reid: "Sometimes I say the wong thing"
Elian Gonzalez wishes he had come to the U.S. on a bus from Central America like all the other kids
Obama visits US-Mexican border, calls for a two-state solution
"Hard Choices," a porno flick loosely based on Hillary Clinton's memoir and starring Hillary Hellfire as a drinking, whoring Secretary of State, wildly outsells the flabby, sagging original
Accusations of siding with the enemy leave Sgt. Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from Massachusetts
Jay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks
100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"
Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news
"Anarchy Now!" meeting turns into riot over points of order, bylaws, and whether or not 'kicking the #^@&*! ass' of the person trying to speak is or is not violence
Obama retaliates against Putin by prohibiting unionized federal employees from dating hot Russian girls online during work hours
Russian separatists in Ukraine riot over an offensive YouTube video showing the toppling of Lenin statues
Obamacare bolsters employment for professionals with skills to convert meth back into sudafed
Joe Biden to Russia: "We will bury you by turning more of Eastern Europe over to your control!"
In last-ditch effort to help Ukraine, Obama deploys Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson's Rainbow Coalition to Crimea
Al Sharpton: "Not even Putin can withstand our signature chanting, 'racist, sexist, anti-gay, Russian army go away'!"
Mardi Gras in North Korea: "Throw me some food!"
Obama's foreign policy works: "War, invasion, and conquest are signs of weakness; we've got Putin right where we want him"
US offers military solution to Ukraine crisis: "We will only fight countries that have LGBT military"
Putin annexes Brighton Beach to protect ethnic Russians in Brooklyn, Obama appeals to UN and EU for help
The 1980s: "Mr. Obama, we're just calling to ask if you want our foreign policy back. The 1970s are right here with us, and they're wondering, too."
In a stunning act of defiance, Obama courageously unfriends Putin on Facebook
MSNBC: Obama secures alliance with Austro-Hungarian Empire against Russia’s aggression in Ukraine
Efforts to achieve moisture justice for California thwarted by unfair redistribution of snow in America
North Korean voters unanimous: "We are the 100%"
Leader of authoritarian gulag-site, The People's Cube, unanimously 're-elected' with 100% voter turnout
Super Bowl: Obama blames Fox News for Broncos' loss
Beverly Hills campaign heats up between Henry Waxman and Marianne Williamson over the widening income gap between millionaires and billionaires in their district
Biden to lower $10,000-a-plate Dinner For The Homeless to $5,000 so more homeless can attend
Kim becomes world leader, feeds uncle to dogs; Obama eats dogs, becomes world leader, America cries uncle
White House hires part-time schizophrenic Mandela sign interpreter to help sell Obamacare
Kim Jong Un executes own "crazy uncle" to keep him from ruining another family Christmas
OFA admits its advice for area activists to give Obamacare Talk at shooting ranges was a bad idea
President resolves Obamacare debacle with executive order declaring all Americans equally healthy
Obama to Iran: "If you like your nuclear program, you can keep your nuclear program"
Obama: "I'm not particularly ideological; I believe in a good pragmatic five-year plan"
Shocker: Obama had no knowledge he'd been reelected until he read about it in the local newspaper last week
NSA marks National Best Friend Day with official announcement: "Government is your best friend; we know you like no one else, we're always there, we're always willing to listen"
Al Qaeda cancels attack on USA citing launch of Obamacare as devastating enough
The President's latest talking point on Obamacare: "I didn't build that"
Carney: huge ObamaCare deductibles won't look as bad come hyperinflation
Washington Redskins drop 'Washington' from their name as offensive to most Americans
Poll: 83% of Americans favor cowboy diplomacy over rodeo clown diplomacy
Obama administration gets serious, threatens Syria with ObamaCare
Obama authorizes the use of Vice President Joe Biden's double-barrel shotgun to fire a couple of blasts at Syria
Sharpton: "British royals should have named baby 'Trayvon.' By choosing 'George' they sided with white Hispanic racist Zimmerman"
Nancy Pelosi extends abortion rights to the birds and the bees
Hubble discovers planetary drift to the left
Obama: 'If I had a daughter-in-law, she would look like Rachael Jeantel'
FISA court rubberstamps statement denying its portrayal as government's rubber stamp
Every time ObamaCare gets delayed, a Julia somewhere dies
GOP to Schumer: 'Force full implementation of ObamaCare before 2014 or Dems will never win another election'
Janet Napolitano: TSA findings reveal that since none of the hijackers were babies, elderly, or Tea Partiers, 9/11 was not an act of terrorism
News Flash: Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA) can see Canada from South Dakota
Drudge Report reduces font to fit all White House scandals onto one page
Obama: the IRS is a constitutional right, just like the Second Amendment
Jay Carney to critics: 'Pinocchio never said anything inconsistent'
Obama: If I had a gay son, he'd look like Jason Collins
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester
White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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