![]() A snapshot of the poster we took with our own camera at the local post office. |
This holiday season our warmest greetings go to the US Postal Service, an exemplary government-run organization, for issuing an official holiday poster that documents a positive paradigm shift in our national mentality. Displayed at post offices nationwide, it unobtrusively reminds Americans what national holidays they should observe this December: Hanukkah Ball, Kwanzaa Parade, Muslim Eid Carnival, Breast Cancer Gala, and Family Violence Bash (not necessarily in that order). In case you missed it, Chr***mas is not part of the holiday season. Come to think of it, it has never been. What Chr***mas? Never heard of it. The suspicious Madonna stamp on the poster may seem like a weak compromise, but we believe it's a wise move to soften the blow and to ensure a smooth transition to a new progressive era. |
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Proving that homosexuality comes in all professions, the new gay dentistry film Broke Back Molar is transgressing all boundaries. It was once thought to be a profession for straights only, but this new film speaks to power in a way that none has before (besides the gay cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain, currently in theaters near you). "It breaks all stereotypes," says student John Welshman. "I always thought dentists were straight! Boy did this open my eyes!" The Gay and Lesbian Association of Dentists (GLAD) applauded the movie as "groundbreaking." Howard Fine, President of GLAD, could not be happier. "Over 80% of dentists are really gay. The rest are sadists," Fine stated bluntly. |
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This email exchange started when a student from Communist China currently living in Japan bought an anti-Che T-shirt "My American Revolutionary Kicked Your Commie Revolutionary's Ass" from Che-Mart, an online store associated with the People's Cube. This letter makes one ponder about what America means to people in other countries, what message American freedom sends to the world by the very virtue of its existence. It also makes one think about those Americans who want to change this country, to make it look more like the Old World, and thus to kill hope for people like Billy. |
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Red Square Records, the new recording label of The People's Cube, is proud to present the first single by progressive, hip-hop artist Jihad E. Titled "Internationale," the song is a rousing tribute to the Communist Internationals (or Cominterns) of the twentieth century. NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FROM PROGRESSIVE SONGWRITERS AND MUSICIANS! |
![]() Voice of progress: kill the health care hogs! |
"Kill the health care hogs!" is the progressive message we hear increasingly from the more socially advanced comrades in Europe. How many times have you stood in line at the pharmacy behind an ancient decrepit walking dead? Inevitably, they order dozens of medications and then pay almost nothing as our Mother State picks up the tab! How is one to deal with these selfish broken-down useless monsters as they suck the economic lifeblood from our Cities? As usual, the Europeans have been leading the way... |
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Is this for real or just a clever spoof in the style of CFK? Go to StopBorat.net (highly recommended) and decide for yourself. The fact is, Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action against comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport. |
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The War on Terror has entered a new successful stage once the US field commanders began to force the enemy units to comply with the same government-imposed rules and restrictions that the US Army increasingly faces on a daily basis. One man, identified only as a "Soldier for Allah" explained, "We were led into a classroom and had to sit in circles for what they called 'Collective Self-Attaining Support Sessions' where they lectured us on matters such as "Gender Awareness." "Multicultural Identity." and "Environmental Racism." Even in Saddam's prisons, I was never accused so often of being guilty!" |
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Let's Do Empire Right!The 2008 Presidential election is just around the corner. We can't run our capitalist puppet Bush for a third time, Cheney's been compromised, so we've got to find some other incarnation of evil to run, to preserve both the Empire and our undeserved hegemony. The Left has competent, well-respected, and ethical statesmen who've risen up from the unwashed masses during the Bush years. The downtrodden are fed up with our imperialist wars and with the destruction of the planet for the sake of our boldfaced greed. We need a new sinister plan! |
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We break our rule of publishing only original stories for Comrade Julia Gorin, our undercover field operative, who first published this piece in Jewish World Review. In the past, she had also succesfully infiltrated Opinion Journal, FrontPage Magazine, Fox News, and other right-wing bourgeois organs. Operating on the mistaken assumption that engaging in terrorism can win sympathy for Jews the way it does for Muslims, two Israeli men opened fire on Palestinian civilians in separate incidents last month. But even though attacking the World Trade Center and the Pentagon four years ago turned out to be the best public relations move for Muslims yet, the two Israeli settlers misfired in their petty, low-key attempts to duplicate that successful strategy. |
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The French Muslim riots, caused by an uncontrollable reaction to poverty, racism, and a profound sense of alienation from the larger society, have recently inspired some American groups who share very similar grievances, to use mass violence as a means of gaining recognition and respect. As low income also immediately translates into uncontrollable violence, the first American neighborhoods to start rioting were the Chinatowns. Realizing that Chinatowns are among the poorest parts of the country, community leaders have encouraged the use of violence to raise the material wealth -- and self-esteem -- of the residents. |
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Rumors of a possible split between leaders of ACLU and al Qaeda have been fueled by an increased chatter level over the past few weeks, as follows from these interoffice memos obtained by our field operative at ACLU headquarters, in New York. * * * Dear Sir: |
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"The vigorous campaign led by human rights groups accusing God of favoritism towards Western countries and of unfair distribution of natural disasters that targeted minorities has caused God to reconsider His ways," God's spokesman announced yesterday at a press-conference held by an international clergy group representing Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. "This summer's unusual flooding in Europe and two devastating hurricanes in the USA serve as a proof of God's reconstructed, more equitable, and politically correct approach to weather patterns," the spokesman said... |

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Scare those annoying unaborted fetuses with real monsters! Did I miss anyone? |
International Coalition of Dead Voters Endorses John Kerry
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The International Coalition of Dead Voters has always supported progressive causes, being the most dedicated constituency of the Democratic Party. Consistently voting for the political Left they are playing an increasingly important role in the American democratic process. It is important that this Halloween all dead people of good will, again, take advantage of early voting and cast their vote for John Kerry. |
![]() Ernesto Che' Guevara signing order to arrest and shoot everybody at Cafepress.com. |
A lot of progressive people ask themselves when faced with life's problems: What would Che' say? We can assure you that in most cases our Ernie would say, Put 'em up against the wall and shoot 'em! And this is exactly what he would say in this case as well. Shoot the photographer who took the famous picture and all of his family members who hold the copyright to that image. The same goes for the Cafepress.com executive board, their lawyers, programmers, designers, mail room clerks, and the poor Albanian cleaning lady - for being capitalist pig-dog profiteers, the "Little Eichmans" in Ward Churchill's words, who dare make a living by exploiting Che's image, his life, and passion. They explicitly or implicitly participate in the running of Che' through the grinds, the gears, and the conveyer belt of the hated capitalist industry which Che' sought to destroy. |
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In our previous story we described how Cafepress.com censored our "Che is Dead" design with a hairy skull in a beret on a vague pretext of copyright infringement - while they turned a blind eye on other shopkeepers who blatantly used corporate logos and trademarks in designs that denigrated American corporations and capitalism in general. |
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![]() Sharon: "It's not every day when the French, the Germans, Muslims, Communists, Nazis, Arabs, Socialists, and the United Nations agree on things, so when they do, it's obvious that they must be correct." |
Persistent rhetoric coming from concerned progressive critics worldwide has finally convinced Israeli officials that the state of Israel has no moral right to exist. "That's it," Prime Minister Ariel Sharon explained at a press conference. "We are dismantling the Nation of Israel. I'm leaving for Poland next week." "My cabinet and I had long discussions about world troubles, and we concluded that our critics are right - all the troubles can be traced back to us. So, in order to resolve these issues, we felt it would be best to extend our withdrawal beyond Gaza to include the West Bank and Israel proper," Sharon said. "The Gaza pullout was only a test, and the ensuing waves of peace and brotherhood it had triggered in Palestine and beyond, encouraged us to disband altogether. Without us here, people of the world will finally be able, once again, to live in permanent harmony and understanding - just like they all did before Israel's founding nearly sixty years ago." |
$.$. Halliburton's simple plan to continue Imperialism apace, strengthen Capitalist class at the expense of the oppressed, ensure its political hegemony, and put a damn pretty penny in each and every one of his bank accounts. As every right-wing fascist knows, democracy is cumbersome and inefficient. Try to get something accomplished and you find yourself butting heads with every unwashed, uncouth commoner who has no conception of what's good for Class, Empire and the world... |
Are you a professional radical activist? Has your rigorous schedule of anti-war and anti-capitalism rallies left you exhausted? Perhaps you're beginning to feel more like a programmed automaton than a free-thinking human being? Are slogans like "No blood for oil" starting to seem a bit inane and trite? If so, you could be suffering from Protest Fatigue Syndrome (PFS), a common malady among full-time malcontents. |
Attention progressive, socialist, liberal, pacifist, anarchist, feminist, or environmentalist debaters! Whether you are fighting class enemy over the Internet, in school, or at your parent's house over dinner, this tool is for you. No more awkward mumbling or looking for the right word! Just enter your ideological opponent's name and generate a Progressive Truth that will render your enemies speechless!
This research is ongoing. We encourage you to submit your favorite debate framing elements for the following groups: "adjectives," "nouns," and "'because' statements" here >>
"Southern Decadence" in New Orleans,Sept. 5, 2005 |
We understand the importance of gay pride here at The People's Cube, but could there be a worse timing or place for such frivolity? This Sunday, Sept. 5, two dozen gay men and a few lesbians paraded down New Orleans's famous thoroughfare, Bourbon Street, while wearing beaded necklaces, hula skirts, and wigs - at the time when all progressive media outlets, political activists, and Democratic Party leaders have selflessly converged to paint a lurid picture of horror, death, and desperation in that very area, multiplied by Republican incompetence, racism, and mismanagement!... |
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No text... Words fail to describe this tragedy |
![]() The donkey-cart Baghdad looter, whose image was lovingly reproduced by worldwide media networks two years ago at the start of the Iraqi war, has turned up in New Orleans this year with colleagues |
Members of the Louisiana National Guard, fresh from Iraq, have stated that the scene in New Orleans bears an eerie resemblance to Baghdad in the wake of the Hussein regime's collapse. A few Guardsmen, formerly with the 3rd ID, believe they saw familiar faces among The Big Easy's looters, whom they witnessed filling a donkey cart with furniture stolen from Mayor Nagin's office. Some others were simply carrying chairs away on their backs--as did Muhammad Al Sayef, a self-described serial looter who turned up in New Orleans this week for the four-day media extravaganza and made himself available for interviews. |
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The latest creation by counter-revolutionary agents provocateurs and chain dogs of the bourgeoisie who defaced our Commander In Chief's image and signed it with ThePeoplesCube.com and Che-Mart.com's URLs. |
![]() Dr. Dean: "To rectify the situation, all those whites who evacuated submerged homes must be returned to those homes and drowned immediately." |
While Senator Clinton has proposed a commission to determine just how racist the hurricane and Government have been, Howard Dean seeks to cut out the middleman. "We don't need a commission to know that this is really about race," chairman of the Democratic Party said in a speech to the National Baptist Convention of America, one of the nation's largest black church groups. "Natural disasters never kill this many white people. Well, if the natural disasters don't want to play fair, we will." Tired of hearing that the Democrats are a party of baseless finger-pointing without constructive solutions, the former presidential candidate Howard Dean offered an undeniably constructive solution in his Wednesday speech in Miami, Fla.... |
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As events unfold in New Orleans, the Third World watches in astonishment |
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As Americans are trying to come to grips with nature's attack on the Gulf Coast, reports are growing about an increased level of hate crimes against environment in US cities and rural areas. In Georgia, a man was arrested for screaming environmental slurs at the passing clouds and threatening them with a shotgun, while in other areas local residents were seen "accidentally" ramming trees, rocks, and flowery hedges with their cars, trucks, and SUVs. No warm fuzzy feelings remain towards the environment in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana. A couple driving a car with a bumper sticker that said "Nature Lovers" were dragged out of the vehicle and beaten with sticks by a gang of angry neighbors. |
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The day after Hurricane Katrina smashed into eastern Louisiana and western Mississippi, leaving a swath of devastation comparable to some of the worst in history, a multi-national coalition formed for the express purpose of discouraging countries from providing any relief aid to the beleaguered inhabitants of the Gulf Coast. |
"Had Bush signed the Kyoto Treaty last night as the hurricane approached, it would have been turned aside, for Science is Forgiving, Merciful!" roared the ultraprogressive pulpiter who is sometimes criticized for interpreting scientific texts too literally. "But Bush and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour went against science, they sealed their ears to Science's prophets, and for that Science unleashed its wrath on the unbelievers! Hell shall be their home: an evil fate!" "It is a mortal sin to think that Science is open to interpretation, that scientific phenomena can mean more than one thing, or that Climate Change has a million factors! That would be just as bad as the ludicrous literal interpretation of Scripture by Christians!" Kennedy went on. "Fight those who do not profess the true faith! Remember that Science gives firmness to the believers, and it instills terror into the hearts of the unbelievers!" |
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Clearly, if America had elected John Kerry in 2004, none of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina would have happened. This is what we said almost exactly a year ago in a story below - and we stand by it!
Kerry To Build Hurricane Shield If Elected
By Red Eye
09/09/04 - 1:22 am
In addition to his previous campaign promises meant to improve the life situation for those who resent capitalism at the expense of those who are happy with it, Senator John F. Kerry has now announced a plan to harness the very nature itself...
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It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...Marx, Jesus, Iraq, Moonbats, and MSM: It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world! Thanks to our trusty Dr. Fuku who posted these images here. We thought they were too good to be buried in comments, so we made this collage. Poor Casey would fit in the top picture, but there's no place for him in the bottom one. If he were to come back to life they'd bury him again. |
![]() Polar bears in Alaska are being forced to adapt to the heat by lazing about on the porches of their caves and drinking all day. |
Senators John McCain and Hillary Clinton have returned from a high-profile, omni-partisan, and taxpayer-funded fact-finding tour in Alaska, claiming to have found incontrovertible proof that global warming is the result of US imperialism. "Go up to places like we just came from, it's a little scary," Senator McCain (R-AZ) asserted. "Green grass, wildflowers, even trees! Yet I clearly remember from the movie "Snow Dogs" starring award-winning Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alaska used to be covered with snow!" |
![]() Kofi Annan: "UN inspectors are confident that Iran is up to a decade away from incinerating another American city." |
With the ruins of Cleveland still smoldering after a surprise nuclear attack launched by Iranian Ayatollahs last week, the world's attention is refreshingly focused on more urgent matters as most people appear to be concerned with other things. "Like, I didn't even know where Cleveland was?" says a 23-year old shopper at the King of Prussia Mall outside Philadelphia. "I mean, like, this so totally doesn't affect me?" In Berkeley CA, naked transgender protesters are calling public attention to the pressing issue of a complete ban on all commerce. "We're also trying to free Mumia," says one of them, pointing out that his or her protest sign was constructed "without the poison of capitalist commerce..." |
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In an unabashed show of Neocon power, the Bush administration dragged the legendary Rolling Stones' lead singer Mick Jagger off the stage and threw him in prison without trial. It happened Sunday night in front of 36,000 Stones' fans, as the musicians were getting ready to kick off their latest tour with a concert in Boston's Fenway Park. Upon witnessing the arrest, the fans quietly went home in groups of not more than three, content in their knowledge that Jagger was right and not simply running his big mouth when he sang the new song My Sweet Neocon:
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Cindy Sheehan, who is angry with President Bush for disobeying her explicit orders to give in to Islamic terrorists, has bravely decided to return to Crawford, Texas, after visiting her bed-ridden mother. "I have THREE questions for the head terrorist Bush now," she says: "#1. Why did he kill Casey? #2. Why did he give my mother a stroke? #3. How much did he pay my husband to divorce me?" |
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A careful analysis of today's political scene shows that people are not hearing the Democrat Party's message. "Our message is right there, people just aren't hearing it," says the Party Chairman Dr. Howard Dean. "It's in our speeches, political ads, sympathetic radio and TV programming, friendly newspaper publications, progressive blogging, and mass emailing campaigns. Our (Democrat) message is clearly the only one that makes sense. So if we're still losing at the ballot boxes, that must only mean people aren't hearing us. Therefore, we need to make the same points, but make them louder." Millions of dollars spent by the Democrats have done surprisingly little to familiarize Americans with their program.... |
![]() Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "It will be so much easier to write one big check to the United Nations than to figure out who gets what this year." |
In the largest class-action suit ever, a federal jury has found the United States Constitution at fault for every problem faced by everyone, everywhere. The award, for over $2,000 billion, is equal to the entire federal budget. Of this, $500 billion will be for punitive damages - but most of it, $1,500 billion, will be for mental anguish suffered by the rest of the world. "Amen to what the jury decided," crowed the prosecuting attorney. "We just won one whopper of a case! There are six billion people who have suffered enormously from the ideas of limited government, personal freedom, and private property... |
![]() "We will catch that Zionist Dairy Queen whoever she is, then we will rape her, and Allah willing, we will remove her head with a rusty saw." |
Ella Cinder, whose son Chucky was injured in an accident involving a partially-eaten Chili Lime Chicken Strip Basket at the State Fair, is still holding a vigil outside a local Dairy Queen and is now claiming that the entire incident might have been avoided if "The Zionist Entity withdrew from Palestine." When asked what relevance Israel had to her son tripping on a Dairy Queen product, she started to tremble and then wailed, "Shaddup, you filthy mother-disrespecting son of a bitch!"... |
![]() "We've hated Dairy Queen for a long time, but now they've gone too far with their Chili Lime Chicken Strip Baskets!" |
Inspired by Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain soldier who is camping outside President Bush's ranch until she gets a face-to-face explanation of why he killed her son, other mothers begin to demand apologies for their grievances as well. In Wipeit NE, mom Ella Cinder has pitched a tent outside a local Dairy Queen, demanding a meeting with its CEO so he can explain his culpability for her 32-year old son Chucky slipping on a partially-eaten Chili Lime Chicken Strip Basket at the State Fair. |
Dressed in oversized trench coats and carrying heavy backpacks, the group members asked the New Yorkers a simple yet disarming question: "Is this the country you really want to live in, if it profiles a minorit that has blown up cars, buildings, buses, trains, and airplanes in the past?" "They're right," a concerned young lawyer told our correspondent." With so many people entering the subway, how can we be sure that the searches are absolutely random? There's a big chance it's all a cover-up for profiling minorities. If the police succeeds in preventing them from blowing me up on the train, it will be the end of my civil liberties... |
![]() Kennedy: "The biggest threat to the shuttle Discovery is George Bush and the Republican Party!" |
Encouraged by the success of his attack against President Bush's plan to fix Social Security, Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy took it a step further today, launching an attack against NASA's plan to fix the shuttle Discovery while in orbit. "There is no need to fix the shuttle," said Kennedy. "I categorically reject the deceptive and dangerous claim that there is something wrong with it! The shuttle will serve us another forty years without problem. The biggest threat to Discovery today is not the foam tiles, it's George Bush and the Republican Party." |
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Members of the right-wing conspiracy immediately went on the attack:"Hillary's third world values seem ... |
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Inspired by the success of random bag checks among people entering the New York City subway system, the City has decided to expand the idea of randomness to its other functions. Police Commissioner Kelly, the architect of random policing, spoke of why randomness works so well: "The idea is that no one is any better or any worse than anyone else; if we're all suspects, then no one is a suspect, and no one will feel hurt. As we know, the main function of a police force is to make everyone feel good about themselves." |
To remedy your "knowledge deficit" you can ask us any question you choose, and it will be explained by the legendary Professor Paul Kurgman in a language that you can understand.
From the evils of profiteering, corporatism, and economic exploitation to the rewards of regulation, social justice, and community/stakeholder involvement, Professor Kurgman will use his agile mind to clarify the otherwise intimidating field of economics.
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Soon after President Bush named Fred Thompson, former Senator and actor on the NBC television series "Law & Order," to help shepherd his yet-to-be named Supreme Court nominee through the Senate, he also announced a much-awaited list of nominees. "After a long process of selection, aimed at satisfying all parties and groups," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "The President has finalized a list that he hopes everybody will love." |
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A press photographer at the Tour de France captured this image of our very own Professor Palimpsest protesting the Yankee imperialist, Lance Armstrong. |
It was only a matter of time before the mainstream media ran out of catchy anti-Bush headlines. Starting with the 2000 elections the US editors appeared to be engaged in a prestigious contest: who would cast the President in the worst possible light. The opportunities seemed unlimited. The headline-writers spent countless nights awash in the pale
glow of their monitors, coming up with one brilliant hook after another. But four years of consistent Bush-bashing have eventually exhausted everyone's vocabulary and imagination. So when George W. Bush was reelected in November of 2004, several pundits sensed that a crisis of creativity would soon plague the media. By the end of the second quarter of this year, the national media hit rock bottom.
"There are only so many words one can string together while remaining impartial and objective - even if it's such fertile topic as our dumb and evil dictator President who is bent on bombing caribou herds into the Stone Age in Alaska...
By Comrade Smirnoff, our (The People's) political consultant in Edinburgh, Scotland. He has his own progressive blog, http://www.world-socialism.blogspot.com
![]() Bob Geldof: He may dress like a Maoist, but he doesn't fool us! |
They seek to 'MacDonaldize' African society just as they have done the West. With the forward advance of global capitalist hegemony in the West, all that is solid has melted into the air. In this context, Africa is not poor at all; it is spiritually and culturally rich, free from the rabid individualism and excessive materialism of the west. Let's keep it that way! "This is not about charity; this is about trying to redress the balance between rich and poor." Right wing cynics will question why we ought to take lessons from Mr. John, a man who lives a life of extravagant, hedonistic luxury (he recently claimed to spend 200,000 pounds per month on flowers) ... |
NEW YORK - July 7. As news of London terrorist attack by an al-Qaeda group spread Thursday, three progressive intellectuals Noam Chomsky, Ward Churchill, and Lenora Fulani immediately felt in their hearts the need to reach out and explain to Londoners why the attacks that killed over 40 people and injured 300 were their own fault and that they fully deserved what they got.
The three progressive icons gathered in New York for a press conference, where they stated that "Based on the first reactions out of London, we sense a glaring lack of guilt for being attacked. It is our duty as citizens of this world, to go to Britain and instill an enormous amount of guilt in the government and its constituents. We would like to see the British apologize before al-Qaeda for what happened"...
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EXCLUSIVE! Photos that will never make the news... You will not see these pictures in Time, Newsweek, and the New York Times! Why? |
![]() Abdul Mendel, America Last League,wearing non-programmable tin hat |
America Last!Interview with Abdul Mendel, America Last League"Basically we have several warring groups among us screaming at each other over the coffee. The moderate ones want to pull back from occupied lands we took illegally in violation of international law in the Mexican-American war of 1848 and return this sacred soil to their rightful owners." |
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Washington, July 4 - In another half-assed attempt at apologizing for his Flag Day (June 14th) speech on the Senate Floor, Senator Dick Durbin from the Islamic Republic of Illinois ( IRI ) has decided to change his name to Dick Durbin-Laden. "As a super patriot and big friend of our military," the Senator explained, "I feel it is my citizen's duty to do it out of solidarity with the poor mistreated detainees at Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Until every detainee is freed, given a house and home, two cars in every garage, a chicken in every pot, 72 live virgins, and a non-flushable Koran, we will fight the good fight, right every wrong, and out-French the French in pusillanimity every chance we get," Senator Durbin-Laden added. |
Chateau Babeuf's award-winning
"Propaganda"
Syrah
A bottle a day keeps thoughtcrimes at bay
Contains mind-control agents
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This site, as well as the Mother Site (CFK) has been bombarded with righteous anti-American, Republican-bashing posts written in good English, without mentioning the posters' nationality. But site administrators have a way of checking IP addresses. Some of them came from the Netherlands, some from Germany, and all of them point to RIPE Network Coordination Centre in Amsterdam... |
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WASHINGTON (PC) - A divided Supreme Court ruled Thursday that private property is a big lie concocted by the Bush Administration to further its capitalistic agenda, in a decision anxiously awaited by all communists and other progressive pressure groups in America. The Supreme Court's decision cleared the way for the city of New London, Conn., to seize private homes and businesses against the owners' will, and bulldoze family residences in order to build projects that generate more tax revenue for the Common Goodâ„¢ |
![]() Tikritos: It's cool, its progressive, it's rebellious! Every crunch is a loud political statement! Great for street protests and sleepovers! |
Our affiliate, Che-Mart superstore, was the first to learn the news from socialist networks: Saddam Hussein still believes he is president of Iraq, is obsessed with cleanliness, makes bad coffee, and loves Doritos, an ex-guard has revealed. Anticipating a new fad among its progressive consumers, Che-Mart rushed the manufacturing of Tikritos, a new product modeled on capitalist Doritos. In the spirit of socialist competition, the fastest-growing producer of progressive products didn't spare any of its sweatshop laborers in bringing the new favorite socialist flavor to the masses. |
![]() It has long been thought that Sean Penn was born the son of Leo Penn, a Hollywood director who defied the House Committee on Un-American Activities and was subsequently blacklisted. But shortly before the US invasion in Iraq the actor's mother confided in him that his true father was "some Middle Eastern guy" from a grocery on the corner. |
Sean Penn had long ago wondered about the source for his irrational disdain for America and its values. At home or on the movie set, the progressive actor would often find himself muttering, "The Great Satan must be destroyed!" but couldn't quite put his finger on the reasons why. His mysterious predisposition towards wife-beating, accentuated by wearing a mustache, made him wonder on many occasions, who he could blame for it. "I knew it couldn't be my fault," the Oscar-winning actor told us. "Individual responsibility is a sham invented by the Republicans to put minorities in jail. So I couldn't blame my own character. It had to be my genetics or my upbringing. I didn't grow up in a ghetto, unfortunately - so it had to be the genetic thing. But which oppressed ethnic minority was I part of?" |
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WASHINGTON -- Mike Tyson's career ended abruptly Saturday night after the sixth round against Ireland 's Kevin McBride. Three men - Black, Asian, and Hispanic - approached him as he sat on the floor and whispered something in his swollen ear. Tyson stayed seated for a few moments, then hesitatingly rose and walked to his corner, nevermore to return. Looking more like an aging man than the champion who once terrorized the heavyweight division, Tyson complained about being betrayed, threatened, and harassed by everybody, from the print media to communist governments to NAACP to Chinese taxidermists. "I had made some wrong choices," Tyson confessed, pointing at his tattoos of Mao Tse Dung, Che Guevara, and Arthur Ashe. |
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Violent protests erupted yesterday among faculty members on American and European campuses, accompanied by massive looting, flag-burning, and clashes with riot police, after Newsweek magazine published a report stating that a U.S. interrogator desecrated Das Kapital. The holy book of an estimated 1.5 billion world's Marxists was allegedly flushed down the toilet in order to humiliate and demoralize a progressive human rights lawyer and devout Marxist Lynne Stewart. Deans, heads of departments, professors, and assistant professors marched in the streets holding portraits of Karl Marx, chanting revolutionary slogans, tearing up American flags, burning effigies of George Bush and David Horowitz, and threatening to suspend those students who didn't join them in their righteous protest... |
![]() Punch out American President and they'll FedEx you a reward! |
This ad popped up on my screen today, inviting me - if I wanted a free new XBOX - to punch President Bush in the face against the background of the American flag. In this simple game I needed to bruise the war-time American president twice and make his mouth bleed. The third punch sent Bush on the floor and I was redirected to onlinerewardcenter.com which offered me to fill out a sweepstakes questionnaire. Such marketing strategy made me wonder: do they mean to sell XBOX via Bush-bashing, or to sell Bush-bashing via XBOX? If the former is true, they must believe either that all XBOX players hate Bush, or that most Bush-haters play XBOX. If the latter is true, however, they should switch to promoting The People's Cube instead. |
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The Rosen Trial: Mission Accomplished! |
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By Dr. Winston S. Palimpsest, Chair, Cultural Hegemony Studies Another semester has ended here in the progressive, sub-alpine village of Boulder, Colorado. The always hilarious Bill Maher (my buddy Ward's favorite comedian) has delivered the commencement address, wryly peppered with side-splitters about our half-witted President. Once again, our halls of higher learning have disgorged a fresh class of graduates out into the dog-eat-dog world of capitalist wage slavery. Hopefully, the seeds of collectivism that my colleagues and I so insidiously sowed in their minds will sprout into thorns in the side of the bourgeoisie! |
![]() Muslim neoconservatives |
WASHINGTON, D.C. May 14th, 2005. Our reporter attends a rally held by Free Muslims Against Terrorism at Freedom Plaza on Pennsylvania Ave. So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek. Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American flag... |
"It's time you all started calling me The Great Helmsman, Chairman Howard Zedean!" |
In comments long-awaited by the progressive community, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean blasted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay on May 14, 2005 as a criminal, saying that the top Republican belongs in a re-education camp. "I think Tom DeLay ought to be shipped off to the Gulag, where he can serve his jail sentence down there," Dean told Massachusetts Democrats at their state convention, while wearing the trademark Chairman's hat. "I also think it's time you all started calling me The Great Helmsman, Chairman Howard Zedean!" |
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All this talk of Social Security is making me sick! It's going nowhere! The revolutionary masses distrust our puppet Bush. The insubordinate and uncompromising world media have blown the insidious cover that we, the capitalists, had so cleverly constructed for this President. Now everyone not lazy enough to turn on the TV knows the terrible truth - that the US President is, in fact, a remotely-controlled zombie whose brain had been replaced with Styrofoam pebbles at a Grateful Dead concert back in 1974! Curiously enough, it was at the same concert that Hillary Clinton was turned into a cold-hearted cyborg by Saul Alinsky, her radical mentor! But let's go back to Social Security. |
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It is a matter of common knowledge that the path to a better future lies trough the creation of a gigantic number of progressive organizations, groups, fronts, initiatives, leagues, unions, centers, and movements. The number of existing ones is not nearly sufficient. Why? The logic is quite simple. If they were numerous enough, we would already be living in a better future, now wouldn't we? |
Official May Day AddressAnnual Transmission to Toiling Masses from Laika the Space Dog, Member of Politburo, Friend of Progressive People, on occasion of International Workers' Day |
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Following up on our earlier interview with Al Gore, a TPC correspondent went to Moscow and met with the reanimated Leader of Workers and Peasants, Vladimir Lenin. Looking younger than his age, the Leader was busy organizing the masses for the observance of Earth Day. He still found time to sit with me at a nearby bar with the view of Red Square and the Mausoleum. His supporters remained outside, waving Lenin posters and staring at us through the freshly cleaned window. |
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Kerry Exposes US Spy, Gets People's Hero Medal AwardSenator John Kerry, who after losing the 2004 election was purged and declared "non-person" by CommunistsForKerry.com (CFK), a powerful pressure group that acts as a shadow Politburo behind the DNC, may now be forgiven and allowed to resume his revolutionary duties for his successful exposure of a CIA spy yesterday. |
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Ask me about technology. No more politics. I have returned to what I love and know best - inventions! Remember: frequent computer crashes happen because people press the W key too much. Avoid it at all costs! That key had been removed from all White House keyboards on my secret orders! Every time you press a W key George W Bush knows what you're thinking... And don't listen to static in your phone line - you never know who may be playing with your brain. A lot of folks who I know did that wound up voting for W. Enough said. - Al Gore, inventor |
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Ask your new Kommissar a question, infidel dog! You may remember me from the other web site CFK, or from the news reports of our glorious victories over the forces of the warmonger W. I will only report the "whole" truth, no matter how painful that may be for you Godless Infidels. Your questions will be answered, unlike the other current slackers in the Party, I don't want to mention any names here.
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Back in the 16th century, progressive French pagan and atheist activists who attempted to celebrate New Year in April, were ridiculed as "fools" and harassed by the reactionary Christian Church. A few dark, oppressive centuries had passed before the winning Marxist ideology unveiled the reality of April Fools! |
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The wait is over! Oppressed workers, peasants, and unwashed toiling intelligentsia of our great American Motherland! The People'sâ„¢ Cube has finally risen over the virtual horizon like the red sun of the revolution, dispelling the right-wing darkness of the blogosphere! This day shall be known as the dawn of Gulagosphere. It shall become a state holiday, celebrated in centuries ahead by spontaneous street marches of correctly educated proletarians chanting Party-approved slogans, peacefully hurling bricks at occasional remnants of the bourgeoisie, and vigorously consuming quantities of inexpensive People'sâ„¢ Cube sugar beet vodka! |
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Unlike most high school students in his native Brooklyn, New York, Gareth knows exactly what he wants in life. Since the beginning of the war in Iraq, Gareth has joined every socialist, pacifist, feminist, pro-abortion, environmental, vegetarian, civil rights, or communist group on the Internet. He travels extensively to participate in as many anti-capitalist rallies as his modest student budget allows.
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We in the spirit of Socialist competition have liberated the People from the oil-carriages that the exploiters use to keep them in submission. The Lumpenwagon need only the fervent energy and motivation of the proletarians to propel it towards greatness! We humbly petition The Central Committee to alter the next Five Year Plan to build these Universal People Transporters and free State resources for the armed struggle against war and imperialism. |
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Gosnell's office in Benghazi raided by the IRS: mainstream media's worst cover-up challenge to date
IRS targeting pro-gay-marriage LGBT groups leads to gayest tax revolt in U.S. history
After Arlington Cemetery rejects offer to bury Boston bomber, Westboro Babtist Church steps up with premium front lawn plot
Boston: Obama Administration to reclassify marathon bombing as 'sportsplace violence'
Study: Success has many fathers but failure becomes a government program
US Media: Can Pope Francis possibly clear up Vatican bureaucracy and banking without blaming the previous administration?
Michelle Obama praises weekend rampage by Chicago teens as good way to burn calories and stay healthy
This Passover, Obama urges his subjects to paint lamb's blood above doors in order to avoid the Sequester

White House to American children: Sequester causes layoffs among hens that lay Easter eggs; union-wage Easter Bunnies to be replaced by Mexican Chupacabras
Time Mag names Hugo Chavez world's sexiest corpse
Boy, 8, pretends banana is gun, makes daring escape from school
Study: Free lunches overpriced, lack nutrition
Oscars 2013: Michelle Obama announces long-awaited merger of Hollywood and the State
Joe Salazar defends the right of women to be raped in gun-free environment: 'rapists and rapees should work together to prevent gun violence for the common good'
Dept. of Health and Human Services eliminates rape by reclassifying assailants as 'undocumented sex partners'
Kremlin puts out warning not to photoshop Putin riding meteor unless bare-chested
Deeming football too violent, Obama moves to introduce Super Drone Sundays instead
Japan offers to extend nuclear umbrella to cover U.S. should America suffer devastating attack on its own defense spending
Feminists organize one billion women to protest male oppression with one billion lap dances
Urban community protests Mayor Bloomberg's ban on extra-large pop singers owning assault weapons
Concerned with mounting death toll, Taliban offers to send peacekeeping advisers to Chicago
Karl Rove puts an end to Tea Party with new 'Republicans For Democrats' strategy aimed at losing elections
Answering public skepticism, President Obama authorizes unlimited drone attacks on all skeet targets throughout the country
Skeet Ulrich denies claims he had been shot by President but considers changing his name to 'Traps'
White House releases new exciting photos of Obama standing, sitting, looking thoughtful, and even breathing in and out
New York Times hacked by Chinese government, Paul Krugman's economic policies stolen
White House: when President shoots skeet, he donates the meat to food banks that feed the middle class
To prove he is serious, Obama eliminates armed guard protection for President, Vice-President, and their families; establishes Gun-Free Zones around them instead
State Dept to send 100,000 American college students to China as security for US debt obligations
Jay Carney: Al Qaeda is on the run, they're just running forward
President issues executive orders banning cliffs, ceilings, obstructions, statistics, and
other notions that prevent us from moving forwards and upward
Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Obama: green economy likely to transform America into a leading third world country of the new millennium
Report: President Obama to visit the United States in the near future
Obama promises to create thousands more economically neutral jobs
Modernizing Islam: New York imam proposes to canonize Saul Alinsky as religion's latter day prophet
Imam Rauf's peaceful solution: 'Move Ground Zero a few blocks away from the mosque and no one gets hurt'
Study: Obama's threat to burn tax money in Washington 'recruitment bonanza' for Tea Parties
Study: no Social Security reform will be needed if gov't raises retirement age to at least 814 years
Obama attends church service, worships self
Obama proposes national 'Win The Future' lottery; proceeds of new WTF Powerball to finance more gov't spending
Historical revisionists: "Hey, you never know"
Vice President Biden: criticizing Egypt is un-pharaoh
Israelis to Egyptian rioters: "don't damage the pyramids, we will not rebuild"
Lake Superior renamed Lake Inferior in spirit of tolerance and inclusiveness
Al Gore: It's a shame that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of polar bears
Michael Moore: As long as there is anyone with money to shake down, this country is not broke
Obama's teleprompters unionize, demand collective bargaining rights
Obama calls new taxes 'spending reductions in tax code.' Elsewhere rapists tout 'consent reductions in sexual intercourse'
Obama's teleprompter unhappy with White House Twitter: "Too few words"
Obama's Regulation Reduction committee finds US Constitution to be expensive outdated framework inefficiently regulating federal gov't
Taking a page from the Reagan years, Obama announces new era of Perestroika and Glasnost
Responding to Oslo shootings, Obama declares Christianity "Religion of Peace," praises "moderate Christians," promises to send one into space
Republicans block Obama's $420 billion program to give American families free charms that ward off economic bad luck
White House to impose Chimney tax on Santa Claus
Obama decrees the economy is not soaring as much as previously decreeed
Conservative think tank introduces children to capitalism with pop-up picture book "The Road to Smurfdom"
Al Gore proposes to combat Global Warming by extracting silver linings from clouds in Earth's atmosphere
Obama refutes charges of him being unresponsive to people's suffering: "When you pray to God, do you always hear a response?"
Obama regrets the US government didn't provide his mother with free contraceptives when she was in college
Fluke to Congress: drill, baby, drill!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'
Obama congratulates Putin on Chicago-style election outcome
People's Cube gives itself Hero of Socialist Labor medal in recognition of continued expert advice provided to the Obama Administration helping to shape its foreign and domestic policies
Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law
Enraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respond
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereof
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
Obama Administration running food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
White House: "Let them eat statistics"
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
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