The news that Security and Exchange Commission (SEC) employees were using government computers to watch porn sites on the job while the country was sinking into a financial crisis, has caused the national media to stop the ongoing campaign of bashing the bishops and punishing the Pope, and focus on exposing the SEC - an organ largely responsible for enforcing the President's policies of spanking the suspects of banking violations.

The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media. "A dirty mind might call these images sexually suggestive," she spoke into the microphone. "But our staffers merely observed best practices while getting hand-on experience in managing the growing crisis, as well as researching new angles in our handling of the finance industry and stimulating the economy."

"We can't be distracted at a time when our hands are busy expanding the government sector," said Mrs. Palmer. "We see it as our job, to stave off the President's shrinking approval rating and make Senator Reid a Happy Harry. We were instrumental in last year's flogging of General Motors, beating off the pirates, and freeing the hostages. Public exposure seriously jeopardizes the steady growth of SEC's regulatory enforcement authority. We will not allow this prematurely disseminated 'news' shame thousands of our hardworking staffers who deserve a raise," she said.Our correspondent took the opportunity to take a tour of the SEC and speak with its staffers.

Rusty Palms from Human Resources agreed to squeeze an interview into his busy schedule, between faxing Jimmy Dean and meeting with Mr. Thumb and his four partners. He was happy to get a load off his mind: "We're going blind at our computer monitors trying to give the economy a helping hand," he said. "I think the reporters should stop blowing their horns at the SEC and go back to belaboring the obvious. Now if you excuse me I must give someone the John Hancock."

The SEC manager in charge of Kleenex deliveries, Bobby Longfellow, spoke to us in the loading dock while adjusting the antenna on one of his trucks. "All this media ruckus is like going five against one. But working for the government, you get used to it," he said. "At least our work keeps the tissue industry in business."

"I've never been so busy in my life," agreed the SEC garage supervisor Jack McNasty. All I do is change oil, grease the axle, check the hand breaks, wax the car, and fix the pipes. In the end of the day there's no juice in me left even for batting practice with my best friend Shorty."

Fistina Willies, the SEC accountant whose computer allegedly contained 600 pornographic images, was busy debugging her hard drive. "I'm overwhelmed by a mound of work related to underhanded dealings I have to probe," she said. "The laptop on my lap gives me sweaty thighs, and I'm working my fingers to the bone doing repetitive activities. But this job pays my bills. I don't want to be out in the streets shaking hands with the unemployed. A job in hand is better than two in the bush. Which reminds me, I used to have my fingers full with my own personal Bush policy issues. I can't go into all the details but some of what the previous administration requested from me to do really rubbed me raw", she stated. "At least now I got my own PDA - Personal Digital Assistant - that makes finishing tasks at hand a breeze."

Like many at the organization, a senior SEC lawyer Frank Spanking was wearing thick tinted eyeglasses. "I was so busy climbing the corporate ladder, I have hardly any time for personal life, although I'm known to be a virtuoso flute soloist and used to climb Mount Baldy and date Miss Michigan as a law student. But now as the economy hit the speed bump, all I can afford is couch hockey, five-minute vacations south of the border, and quick dates with Mrs. Fist in the closet. "My eyes are getting weaker, so I'm glad Obamacare was passed, it'll keep the optometrists in business for a long time," he said.

We found Bobby Whiteknuckler in the SEC self-service cafeteria, at the table underneath a framed depiction of Colonel Sanders' Heimlich Maneuver, as he was bunning his hot dog and spreading the mayo in solitude. Mr. Whiteknuckler described his job at the SEC as doing the unionized janitor thing - buffing the wood, polishing the knob, spackling the ceiling, manning the hand cream dispenser, handling heavy equipment, and doing other manual labor. "Someone has to do the handiwork down here while others are manning the cockpit and phoning the czar," said Mr. Whiteknuckler.

"Making sense of the economic crisis is like getting your palm read by Mister Softee. We the government employees must simply take matters into our own hands and give the economy a good once over," he added and called down for more mayo to the cafeteria workers who were in the kitchen peeling the carrots, frosting the pastries, stirring the yogurt, unwrapping the pepperoni, and tossing the salad for the upcoming staff meeting.

On Capitol Hill, the Senate is using SEC recommendations to work up a lather on erecting regulatory oversight of the financial industry with the goal of preventing another withering Wall Street climax, like the one in 2008 that gave rise to the U.S. recession. The bill includes a $50 billion repudiation fund created with money from banks and other finance industry corporations to ensure an orderly cover-up of failing and shrinking entities.

"This is far too important to be left hanging," warned Congressional Staffer Johnson Pullins. "We're going to have to act in a bipartisan fashion, reach around, left or right, if we want a happy ending to this sticky issue."


Additional reporting by General Secretary, Snoogie Woogums, Ivan Betinov, and Commissarka Pinkie

Glorious, Maksim! And if that doesn't work, or if you're employed in the private sector...

Comrades,
Gives a new meaning to “The Beatings will continue”

Kongradulations, Komrade Square, on managing to work every cultural euphemism for "manual stimulation" currently known to man into one article... and, I believe, invent a few of your own along the way!

Apparently they had their own video site.

After reading this article for some strange reason all of the sudden I have an urge for a cigarette.

After that, I am too wore-out to even attempt speaking in a Negro dialect for the Senator from Nevada.

One of several battered manuals discovered by investigators.

Where is PETA?

A picture is worth a thousand words!

Working for the government is so self gratifying.

Check the website - we missed all the obvious signs.

Commodore Snoogie Woogums wrote:A picture is worth a thousand words!

masterbate.jpg

. Commodore Snoogie Woogums, It looks like you superimposed someone's head onto the long-suffering Bill Clinton's body. --GAIA Minister Neytiri

It's only good manners that enables me to resist saying, "I've got to hand it to you" for (as has already been said) having mastered debate using all known American slang and colloquialisms. Not bad for a former Soviet Agit-Prop agent. Now you can reveal how the images posted were posted by Soviet Agit-Prop operatives for the express purpose of handing a defeat to the U.S. by exhausting the engergy of all U.S. Government workers. . I have no doubt that you've done other "special ops" work in the past, and it's good for the Collective that your skills are now available to Progressives in America. . It just proves the Tea-Partiers don't stand a chance-- except, perhaps for the Tea-Baggers ... . ... who really know how to turn heads. . --GAIA Minister Neytiri

How could I forget about our Masturbation for Dummies thread back from the 2008 election when we were all rooting for Obama? Today it makes even more sense than before. Here are only some of the images...







And, finally, the grand finale...


A carnival float depicting a flying U.S. President Obama with Europe being dragged along is seen during the traditional carnival parade in Duesseldorf, Germany, on Monday, Feb. 23, 2009. (AP Photo/Frank Augstein)

Get a Grip! Stick with Slick! Who needs freedom and liberty when you are hanging on to something bigger than you! Hold onto Obama's Stimulus Package and enjoy the free ride!

On the Commodities Exchange this week, the price of Kentucky Jelly was up, then down, and then up again.

I was worried about flaccid markets, given all of this regulatory manipulation, but I forgot all the package stimulation provided by the President. Thank goodness he was on the ball and we once again stand proud and firm in the hollow of his mighty hand.

"Research"!.. Don't they know, that this aspect of Science is already settled and fisting is determined to be the best way to stimulate everything?

Red Square wrote:The SEC workers, who were being paid between $99,000 and $223,000 a year for sharpening their pencils, were nervously gripping their glue sticks and whiteouts as their chief executive Mrs. Palmer and her five associates were taking a stand before the members of the media.
Additional reporting by General Secretary, Snoogie Woogums, Ivan Betinov, and Commissarka Pinkie

Seriously? 100K + to rub one out for 8 hours a day? I wonder how much downtime the SEC has due to friction burns? I'll make dear leader a deal: He can hire me to do the same gig an' I'll only charge 75K a year. "It's for the greater good!"

Thank Dear Leader! I was hoping these unsung heroes of the revolution™ wouldn't go unpraised. Talk about job creation! We will need a "Mopping Czar", a "Blue dress destruction" Czar, a "Handi-wipes Czar", a "personal lubricant" Czar, a "Director of dirty mags hidden under your mattress", and, of course, a Komittee to bring 'em all together: Government Hired Employees Reactionary Kommitee On Fiscal FreedomS (G.H.E.R.K.O.F.F.S) Viva la Revolucion! And sandwiches! Viva la Sandwiches!

It's good to know that the SEC had the whole situation firmly in the palm of their hand.

The SEC has commissioned a new statue from France.

All the good shirts are always snatched-up quickly!

GAIA Minister Neytiri wrote:

News flash--

I've learned from anonymous sources that the SEC was merely conducting research on how to crack-down on aliens seeking special treatment under the newly-enacted ObamaCare.

Here you Doctor Obama's medical assistant, Rahm Rod, in a video posted on-line to train ObamaCare workers on how to discern whether someone seeking medical care is an "illegal alien." This is part of the SEC's effort to prevent "waste, fraud and abuse" by ObamaCare providers to be sure they don't provide treatment to illegal aliens.

--GAIA Minister Neytiri

How excellent! Obama Care covers steroidal smurfs! Are the Navi'i covered too? Oh, wait-they're the same thing!

Maybe instead of shovels they need the shake weight.
https://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/satur ... weight-dvd

Staggering, simply staggering. Can these SEC proles shovel also? Or does the arm only go so far?

Second Citizen loves you...

It sounds to me like they were giving the economy "a hand"!

Reposting from another thread since it fits the bill. It's a real poster; I didn't alter anything except adding the English caption at the top and the TPC stamp at the bottom. The Russian word at the top literally means "We shall overcome". The lettering on the snake says "Alcohol abuse."

Last night I went to web sites just a little out of the norm
I was hooked with the cable and I watched it 'til four
I saw some skanky web sites right up 'til the break of dawn
Yeah I've been sitting alone lookin' at porn

Then I went to my favorites and I found some kinky sites
I saw them doing different things I ain't never seen
With whips, and chains, and handcuffs and leather costumes tight
Yeah I've been sitting alone lookin' at porn

Chorus
I'm looking at porn
I'm looking at porn
Rubbing things better left alone
I'm erecting muscles of love that's better left alone
Yeah tonight I'm sitting alone lookin' at porn

And I went to this web site and I found some things in there
Like those two girls with one cup that I just couldn't bear
And I recall how good they made it look once you were in there
Yeah I'm sitting alone lookin' at porn

I'm looking at porn
I'm looking at porn
Rubbing things better left alone
I'm erecting muscles of love that's near dead and gone
Yeah tonight I'm sitting alone lookin' at porn

I'm erecting muscles of love that's near dead and gone
Yeah tonight I'm sitting alone lookin' at porn

I'm looking at porn
I'm looking at porn
Rubbing things better left alone
I'm erecting muscles of love that's near dead and gone
Yeah tonight I'm sitting alone lookin' at porn