"I'm going to tell you a story you've never heard before, because no one knows it the way I know it," Hussein writes in the publisher's release.
Saddam Hussein, a long-term admirer of OJ Simpson's life story, has most recently followed his icon's example, releasing a shocking new book titled If I Had Weapons Of Mass Destruction, in which he outlines how his illegal weapons would have been hidden - if he had them. The controversy surrounding Saddam Hussein's removal from power surfaced again this week when, just in time for November television sweeps, former Iraqi leader revealed that he will participate in a two-part Fox television special and release a book that will give a "bone-chilling account" of how he could have moved the WMDs to Syria using advisors from the Russian intelligence.
Former UN chief weapons inspector Hans Blix:
"I'm kind of curious about if he'll admit he did it. But I don't think he'll flat out admit it."
Former UN weapons inspector Scott Ritter: "I do not think that Saddam Hussein lied to the American people. Although I must admit my interest is piqued."
President George W Bush: "There's not going to be any closure to this. I know he had 'em. The vast majority of right thinking Americans and governments around the world know he had 'em."
Ramsey Clark, former US Attorney General turned Marxist political activist:
"Did Saddam have WMDs? Who cares? It created great coverage for peace movements and helped increase funding to anti-American protests by subversive Marxist groups, and that's all I care about. The issue is not the issue. The revolution is the issue."
"I think the media has spun it in the wrong direction," says former Iraqi leader who is now appealing his death sentence as a mass murderer, and whose televised trial deeply divided the country, often along religious and ideological lines. "When they see the special, and when they read the book about why I did what I did - invaded two countries, tortured and executed political opposition, mass-murdered Iraqi civilians, started a nuclear program, developed WMDs and played hide-and-seek with the UN inspectors, helped al-Qaeda, and financed Palestinian suicide bombers - I think they'll have a different viewpoint."
From the media perspective, experts said, even if Saddam confessed to having the WMD, he could not be accused of it again. Under the concept of double jeopardy, a person may not be charged with a crime for which he has been acquitted on the pages of the New York Times.
Saddam's new book is getting mixed reviews. "'Who wants to hear about Saddam Hussein anymore?" says a non-partisan New York Times book critic. "He's done what he could by helping the Democrats regain power. Now it's time for a closure. We must forget the old grumbles, unite the nation under the new leadership, and move on."
Oprah Winfrey strongly rejected the possibility of inviting Saddam to her Book Club: "Who needs another depressing book? Everybody is tired of all the doom and gloom. Let's focus on the great economic news, record employment, and perfect weather. Did you notice that ever since the Democrats had won, the Ozone holes have disappeared and the Global Warming has become cooler? That's what I'd rather talk about."
Yevgeniy Primakov, former Director of Russia's Foreign Intelligence Service
"The book is in effect a confession," said Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense who thinks the evidence proves Saddam Hussein guilty, only the US government did a lousy job of convincing the public. Rumsfeld says he recently talked to people who are close to the book and that Hussein writes about another man named Yevgeniy Primakov being with him when the WMDs went missing. "I don't think Saddam wrote the book for the money," Rumsfeld says. "He'll hang in a few months; he can't take it with him. He wrote it primarily to take revenge and gloat while he still can."
The case's reverberations are still felt in the world of progressive activism. Ramsey Clark, who defended Saddam Hussein at the mass murder trial, said he didn't care if Saddam had WMDs or not. Either way it was a great win for progress as it created great coverage for peace movements and helped increase funding to anti-American protests by subversive Marxist groups. He also said that everybody learned important lessons about how to frame an imperialist power and fight it from beyond the grave.
The few bookstore owners interested in stocking Saddam's book will have trouble determining whether it belongs in fiction or non-fiction sections. While some readers have indicated their curiosity, others said they'd rather wait for the screen version. Some called Saddam "a total sociopath who will do whatever makes him money," and one interviewed person said, "I won't buy it for the same reason I won't buy Bill Clinton's. He's a disgrace."
And though most people know what they think about Saddam's guilt or innocence, some questions about the weapons linger. If Saddam is truly confessing, perhaps he will solve some of the biggest mysteries: What product did he try to import from Niger if the country's only export is yellow cake plutonium? And what was that wingless airliner doing in the middle of the Iraqi desert?
Quote:Some called Saddam "a total sociopath who will do whatever makes him money," and one interviewed person said, "I won't buy it for the same reason I won't buy Bill Clinton's. He's a disgrace."
The names of these reactionary fascists will be submitted to the The Supreme Soviet Democratic Party's internal intelligence services for immediate execution. Henceforth all derogatory allusions to The People's Hero Premier Chairman William J. Clinton are to be considered thoughtcrimes and are to be reported as such. Those failing to report abovementioned thought crimes will, in turn, be executed.
The Party also recognizes the sacrifices of Comrade Chairman Annan and his Hero of the Party son for devising and executing the Oil for Food Pogram, er, Program. Without these Glorious Revolutionaries, all of Hussein's bravery would have been for naught. While the secondary objective of a nuclear Iraq was a few barrels and bushels of rice short from being realized, the primary goal of Hussein becoming a martyr and symbolic freedom-fighter for Islam (think Crazy Saddam's Emporium and Gifts a la Che-Mart!) for all Progressives everywhere nears culmination! In addition The Party's withdrawal of all USS Stormtroopers from the region will create the ideal socio-poltical atmosphere for our Islamic Fundamentalist allies to act upon.
He has been accused of plagiarism by someone from the Democratic Underground, but both are ultimately based on my act of beneficence towards our vanquished foes, "A Pledge to KKKonservatives from their Progressive Overlords".
I urge you to become a signatory to this important document.
In the future there will be no options, only pre-determined
and carefully construed choices decided by the Party. Enjoy the freedom
while it last!