Right-Wing Muslims For Bush?

So what happened? The Washington Post has this short video (you will get a glimpse of our correspondent Red Square in it). C-Span has this full-length video. The Right-Wing blog The Autonomist has this report. We, however, will focus on the analysis of the perpetrators' ideology. We will prove that they do not fit into the Marxist definition of Muslims. We will tell you who Muslims ought to be and what they ought to do. And we will finish with the good news of a toilet accident at Newsweek.

Who are Free Muslims Against Terrorism? Are they another progressive minority organization acting within the carefully defined by us limits? A new ethnic voice in the skillfully directed chorus denouncing evil Bush for terrorizing poor freedom-fighters in the Middle East? That's what we hoped too. But our warm and fuzzy optimism vanished once we saw their website displaying a non-burning American flag right side up and shocking statements like "Taking our religion back one Muslim at a time," and "Free Muslims was created to ... strengthen secular democratic institutions in the Middle East and the Muslim World by supporting Islamic reformation efforts."

How is this possible? Our progressive social scientists and media activists have drawn strict boundaries for every minority group in this country, including the Muslims. Each has its ascribed role, legend, and grievances. Each group is supervised by a respective progressive organization, in this case, CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations). Each group pulls the blanket of privileges and exclusive rights on itself, thus rendering the American Constitution meaningless. Together, however, they create an illusion of a vast majority, a representative body competing with the US Congress, an alternative government, a massive front battling American capitalism and individualistic ideology. It is a duty of every progressive citizen to nurture, advance, and recruit members for this genius system widely known as "Multiculturalism."

Where do Free Muslims Against Terrorism fit in? They don't! They boorishly violate our perfect design and break every rule in the progressive book. Every liberal knows that Middle Easterners are not our equals. They can't be self-reliant and must be treated condescendingly. That's why bringing democracy to the Middle East must be opposed at all costs. These people can't be allowed to think, speak, or act for themselves. In the Western countries, Muslims must be horded into ethnic enclaves and stay there under the supervision of caring progressive lawyers and Commissars of Ethnic Collectivism who will speak, think, and appoint representatives on their behalf.

Who allowed these "Free Muslims" to support Bush's foreign policy? Who gave them permission to praise the War on Terror? Do they really equate themselves to the self-reliant Caucasian individualistic grownups in the Republican Party? What if other Muslims start following their example and leave our protection racket? And where was the Commissar of Ethnic Collectivism when they got organized? Where was the local mosque organization looking? Someone will have to answer these questions!

These individuals are destroying our carefully structured and religiously maintained definition of Muslims as an oppressed minority under the umbrella of international Marxism. In our book, all of the 1.2 billion world's Muslims pray five times a day for the destruction of Jews and Israel. It is mandatory, therefore, for all progressive organizations to display a fervent support for the Palestinian bombers and to denounce Zionism as the greatest evil, likening the Jews to the Nazis. The opportunity to recruit 1.2 billion Muslim supporters is just too good to let go; if that means watching a few million Jews being pushed into the sea and drown, we say it's all for The Greater Good™.

Therefore, "Free Muslims" are not Muslims at all! The real Muslims, as we in the progressive media and academe define them, are burning American flags, blowing up school buses, cutting of heads, and in every other way expressing their righteous protest against capitalism. The so-called "Islamism" is really a manifestation of the struggle of oppressed minorities in Third World countries against white imperialists, reactionary Christians, and Zionist colonialists. Islamism's professed disdain for the Western lifestyle, its intolerance towards the bourgeois morals are of vital importance for the international class struggle and have our full-hearted support and cooperation. We will be able to sort our philosophical differences after the Western civilization collapses. We think.

Use your First Amendment rights to eliminate yourselves!

The good news is that because of the timely toilet incident at Newsweek, many potentially renegade Muslims skipped this dangerous pro-American rally and stayed home. We mean, of course, the recent report by our loyal progressive journalist Michael Isikoff, in which he blamed the U.S, Army for desecrating the Koran. The news was immediately spread around the globe by our trusty agents, causing massive riots, damaging years worth of diplomatic efforts of the Bush administration, and recruiting thousands of new faithful willing to fight America to death. Another positive, albeit unplanned, side effect of this publication was that it helped to keep masses of American Muslims from attending this unauthorized rally.

The desecration report turned out to be bogus and was retracted. But who remembers retractions? Already we are spinning it as an attempt of the Bush administration to stifle American press and to establish military censorship. Bogus reports like this have always placed our progressive movement in a win-win situation, from Walter Duranty to Dan Rather to Isikoff. When the revolution comes, we will make sure that Michael Isikoff is rewarded with a doubled ration of beets and potatoes, provided he can prove to our allies in the Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigades that he is not Jewish.

Progressive journalist
Michael Isikoff

Liberal activist advocates feel-good progressive morality which is always relative. Cutting off people's heads, for instance, is not immoral on the progressive moral scale because such scale does not exist. Differences between the head cutters and the head cuttees must be evened out through mutual acceptance and tolerance.

Every liberal knows that Middle Easterners can't be self-reliant and must be treated condescendingly. That's why democracy in the Middle East must be opposed at all costs.

International Zionists watch the rally to make sure the event goes exactly according to their plan laid out in 1897.