After years of criticism for being a blatantly male-dominated industry, the National Football League has announced an aggressive diversity campaign aimed at ending sexism in professional football. By next season, according to the plan, 20% of all players must be female, with the percentage increasing 10% per year until it reaches the target of 50% in the 2011 season.

"This is a watershed in American history," said Holly Thorncleat, director of the Society for the Advancement of Secondary Sexual Characteristics.

"Professional sports are one of the last bastions of pure chauvinism where the dominant oppressive male ego continues to wreak its damage upon the national consciousness, which results in imperialist wars of conquest, like the one in Iraq."Judy Hindstress of Harvard University's Gender Modification Department notes that women confront the glass ceiling every day in pro football. "They could be, at best, one of those stupid announcers down on the field, or a petty little cheerleader - one of the most demeaning jobs for women and transgendered individuals."


Calisthenics at the Minnesota Vikings training camp

Players aside, officiating staff must now include at least two women, one of whom will be a certified life coach or licensed therapist. Of the remaining referees one must be hearing-impaired, thus particularly sensitive to the non-verbal cues of females.

NBC, CBS, and ABC all announced, within minutes of the League's statement, that every team of commentators in the coming season will be expanded to include a white heterosexual female, a lesbian, a transgendered person or hermaphrodite, and a female African-American, Native American, Hispanic, East Asian, and Micronesian - in addition to the two or three existing male broadcasters.

ESPN has pledged to go one step further, making each crew "include a wheelchair-bound Palestinian transvestite who is a victim of Israeli war crimes."

Game rules are to be changed accordingly. Female and transgendered players will have the right to call a one minute time-out for "emotional healing and spiritual realignment." Illegal procedure by a male lineperson, if it results in unwanted contact with a female defensive lineperson, will trigger an additional 15-yard penalty for sexual harassment. Displays of insensitivity toward a female player who fumbles or drops a pass will result in a 5-yard penalty.

Not everyone is pleased with these signs of progress. "There's no way some bitch on the rag can catch one of my bullet passes," said Huckleberry Armstrong, a quarterback just entering the NFL from the Canadian league, who was promptly slapped with a $50,000 fine and now faces a possible two-year prison sentence for hate speech.

Fearing that not enough qualified female players can be found on such short notice, a number of celebrities are stepping in to fill the breach. The Chicago Bears have disclosed the signing of free agent Rosie O'Donnell, who is expected to start at offensive tackle. The San Francisco 49ers have recruited Ariana Huffington as wide receiver, hoping to capitalize on her ability to fake out naïve defenders.

In addition, the San Diego Fire Department announced that it will allow some of its more robust female firepersons to fill the positions temporarily, until permanent players can be found.


Indignant defensive linepersons call for sexual harassment penalty

Hey, doesn't the leauge already have a team called the Queens? Isn't that enough, one full team full of men in drag?? What? OH, sorry, the Vikings. Those purple fuzzy hats with horns and braids.....hey, anyone could make the same mistake. And what or who are they "packing" in Green Bay. I don't want to know. Those purdy yellow hats, very interesting

Thems some nappy headed hoes.

RIK

I applaud the NFL for its efforts to progressivize such a boorish and barbaric sport as Amerikan FootBull! We must also push for NFL teams to change their kapitalist, racist, and specieist mascots to more politcally acceptable ones. Take a team like the above-mentioned Green Bay Packers, for Lenin's sake. This execrable mascot celebrates "meat packaging" and thereby glorifies the butchering of our bovine brothers on factory farms. This insensitivity we cannot abide, comrades. Green Bay will become the "Vegans", or else.

And what about the San Francisco "49ers"? This mascot commemorates European land grabs, the kapitalist lu$t for gold, and depredations against Mother Earth. This is so incredibly offensive that it makes my voice quiver with rage. If anything, San Francisco's team should be named the "69ers"!

Dare, I even mention the New England Patriots (the word makes me wanna gag!), Washington Redskins (racist), Kansas City Chiefs (ditto), Dallas Cowboys (probably cowpoke Bush's favorite team), Oakland Raiders (too scary for The Children™), New Orleans Saints (gratuitous endorsement Christianity), etc.

Throwing a quick slant for The Greater Good™,

--Dr. P

<img src="https://www.nodnc.com/modules/coppermin ... etwork.JPG">
CNN (Commie News Network) Headlines:
Hamas Blames Israel for 'occupation, unemployment, rain, and bad Mary Kate and Ashely Olsen Movies.'

Perhaps we should just neuter all players, making their private areas as slick as those of Ken and Barbie...

Comrade Ivan, I think you have it: The all Eunuch League! Just castrate the lot and let them play!! All would then be equal on the field!!!!

Comrade Hasan,

You forgot morning breath, traffic jams, smog, old age, wrinkles, and a host of other ills most assuredly caused by the Zionist Elders.

On a more serious note, I do believe the inclusion of 'non-males' into American Football will allow us to infiltrate the old Soviet female weight lifting team into the USA.

We could send them to the Detroit Lions..... It is not like the Soviet Women need to know American Football... The Lions do not...

If we have an all Eunuch league do we insist on true physical eunuchs? That would let in Rosie. But she is more of a man than say Richard Simmons or George Michael. But the real NFL champions could be the Screaming Queens, a Hollywood team led by David Geffen.

Of course the next step would be to genetically engineer professional sports players that have no gender whatsoever. They will be unisexual progressive models for the entire world. Of course that would eliminate real people from trying out for the teams, but we can't have ordinary people participating in such dangerous sports. It must be left to professionals who have been trained/programmed to do their job.

If we engineer sports players without any gender whatsoever, will they not then automatically become Republican members of Congress which have by definition no balls whatsoever? <character on AND off>

Yes and no comrade. Yes, they will have no balls, but since they are genetically engineered to be sports players, that is all they will ever be able to do. Once their sports careers are over they will be um... "disposed of" as to make room for fresh recruits. Unless of course they were amazingly good at what they did, then they would be paraded around the masses as an example of what they should be like. The best of any other people out there.

And there is no worry about them sneaking into congress because the career placement tests will tell everyone what they should be for the rest of their lives. This test will also determine whom may join Congress, and it will make informed decisions based on the person's beliefs. Almost like a more advanced version of our "Smart" voting machines. Only those with strong communist upbringing and true party dedication will be allowed in.

Of course since the sports players will be genetically engineered to be unisexual sports prodigies, there is no way they could possibly be cut out for anything else.

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:If anything, San Francisco's team should be named the "69ers"!

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:...Oakland Raiders (too scary for The Children™)

-Mikhail

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:...Oakland Raiders (too scary for The Children™)

I love it, Mikhail!

The revised "pirate" mascot will have a thong covering his eye instead of a patch.

For Goodness Sake Mikhail and Dr. P!!!

A warning would have been nice... I've just spewed coffee all over my computer monitor and keyboard...

That said, I am concerned regarding the Panty Raiders name and logo as it may be construed as anti-'naturalist' and be cause for litigation on the part of those athletes who prefer to play in the uniforms nature gave them... One can never be too cautious.

Best
SMO

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:The revised "pirate" mascot will have a thong covering his eye instead of a patch.

Is this more appropriate?

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:I am concerned regarding the Panty Raiders name and logo as it may be construed as anti-'naturalist' and be cause for litigation on the part of those athletes who prefer to play in the uniforms nature gave them...

I believe that the showing of the undergarments upon the head, as opposed to being worn normally will be enough to shield the People's League from litigation. Though I am not a lawyer, and I should defer to to the legal advisers.

-Mikhail

I believe it only requires that we check with Laika to make sure that any underwire not interfere with reception and our tinfoil hats... but I suspect Dr. P is a better arbiter of the legal implications.

I believe it only requires that we check with Laika to make sure that any underwire not interfere with reception and our tinfoil hats...

Not to worry, as long as they are properly grounded in socialism, it will improve the reception.
What about the Tennessee Titans?....The Tennessee Titty Tassles? Breasts not Long Bombs?
Well the NFL already has a "no taunting" rule. We need one that states any touching or contact with an opposing player is inappropriate behavior constituting harassment unless the opposing player has signed a written consent form and given it to the National Lawyers Guild referee before each play. This should speed the game up and create a whole new legal profession.

Let's not overlook the victim status angle to this topic, comrades. If I were non-white (I admit shamefully that I am not, and I hate myself!), strong, fast, and coordinated, I would be much wealthier, just like the rest of the Busheoisie. Therefore, I am owed reparations! Soak the wealthy players and give the money to me!*

*Yes, Punchenko and Pupovich, I anticipate your demands. We'll negotiate.

I would like to point out that I have been suggesting for many years that my New Orleans Saints should be re-named the New Orleans Hookers. It is more representative of the city, and as no doubt many of those here will attest, tough and don't take no crap from anyone. I also renew my plea that the New Orleans Hookers be made the official Party Team for many obvious reasons.

BTW, don't forget, we start the season tonight! Er...I may be a bit late to this evening's Party Lecture and Indoctrination Social.

Geaux Saints! er.... Hookers!

Comrade Blogunov wrote:*Yes, Punchenko and Pupovich, I anticipate your demands. We'll negotiate.

I am biased against on so many fronts...as I am pigment deprived, gravity challenged, aesthetically impaired, and a canine to boot! Where is my check? Er... so I can donate it to Hillary of course,

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:

Dr. W. S. Palimpsest wrote:The revised "pirate" mascot will have a thong covering his eye instead of a patch.

Is this more appropriate?


-Mikhail

Not bad, Mikhail; not bad at all. I think the league can work with this! *clink* Except, we still need to do away with the swords; you know, replace them with something more palatable to the progressive sensibility...

--Dr. P

perhaps some 'attachments' to the Hildo?... what do they call it... the 'crevice tool'... the 'dusting brush tool'... and of course, the ever popular 'extension wand'....

... would these items be appropriate?... they would make the league inclusive to appliances...

... or, perhaps it is an opportunity to include our vegetable friends as well... on one side, an appliance tool... on the other, a turnip... or if you prefer, a rutabaga... really, we are not lacking in choice... what vegetable and appliance tool might a Panty Raider find most useful and appropriate? I certainly did not mean to limit our consideration to root vegetation and perhaps gourds or melons are more thematic... certainly, one can never go wrong with a cucumber, though I suspect endive might be a bit obscure and awkward to render in the context of a logo, and for this reason, I believe the choice of vegetable should be both thematically correct and visually recognizable... We may have to look to Theocritus for an opinion on the vegetable...

What the hell is that behind the Panty Raider?

A crack rock?

Oh....and we need another rule:

No "HAIL MARY" PASSES.

I don't think I have to explain.......
OK....Just for this season
"Hail Allah" is allowed.
This is about diversity, right?
Allah is not a guy, right?
Sexism?
Hey, we can change the rules next football season!

Where is Commissar Theocrtitus anyway? He has been strangely quiet. Has be been "cardboarded" and I haven't got the memo?

Laika the Space Dog wrote:What the hell is that behind the Panty Raider?
A crack rock?

Panty Raider (non-specific) is wearing a brassiere on its head... that is why we were concerned about the underwire buggering up your transmissions...

Commissar Theocritus has been storing the loot from Needless Markup liberated during his recent trip to Dallas. You cannot believe the bling that I got for the Hildo Hydra Turbomatic 8.1. I emailed Our Many Titted Empress, taking the risk of a high priority email for she becomes inflamed for anything of little importance, like a Communist revolution in which she is an unindicted co-conspirator.

She is thrilled and I could hear her squeals of delight even over the email. She, Mr. Reno, and Rosie are coming down for an inaugural ride. I expect that the seismometers will be very active shortly.

Ah, it will be a grand ol' time in the old castle tonight! I am glad you are back safe and sound. I missed your wise and gracious guidance (Pup has new competition here when it comes to kissing up).

Commissar Pupovich, you are kind to talk of my wise and gracious guidance but being a Party Member in Good Standing, I stole even that. My only virtue is knowing what to steal. I am the perfect socialist.

I agree with Dr. P: the swords of AmeriKKKan Imperial Oppression MUST be replaced with something more tolerant and progressive... like, say, dildos or furry handcuffs.

Comrade Blogunov, you anticipated my demands correctly and I would like a meager 75% of whatever you earn plus some "alone time" with the cheerleaders. I would also like John Madden to polish my shoes and provide commentary on everything I do which will include commentary when I'm dropping a pant-load of revolution in the can.

Meow, I quite like your Madden idea. When you put the moves on one of the cheerleaders we could be greeted by his deathless prose: "He's getting in a position to score." How brilliant a tactician he is--to think that the game has something to do with scoring. Now that's why he's John Madden and I am merely some silly old man in Texas who doesn't see the point of the game, because I thought that it <i>was all about scoring</i>. Silly me. In penance I'll have Bruno spit-shine Mr. Reno's hooves.

She's grown two more, by the way, and has traded in her pick-up for a Ford F-350 King Cab. It will haul her arc welder too.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I agree with Dr. P: the swords of AmeriKKKan Imperial Oppression MUST be replaced with something more tolerant and progressive... like, say, dildos or furry handcuffs.

Meow... I'm sorry... I thought I told you... they are in bunker 4, along with several industrial sized barrels of warming jelly... shall I have Chicken Sushi take some out of stores for you?

I apologize for my silence in this matter, but I have been hesitant to make any more revisions to the aforeposted image until the collective mind becomes unified. Once the aggregate intellect has arrived at a suitable finding, alterations will proceed.

However, I do have these tasty nuggets of the new Progressive Football Party:

Football Mom

We're going to Disneyland...For our honeymoon!
<br>Garter League MVP


*EDIT* Due to increased vision impairment in Party members, I have replaced these pictures with links so as not to cause inadvertent blindness in those not prepared for the searing images. -Mikhail *END EDIT*

Uh, don't think too much of those thighs. And the only way those stockings wouldn't run would be to make them from the same material that Our Many Titted Empress uses on her Many Tits.

This thread scares the crap out of me.....

It will get better if you realize that it could have been the magazine with Roseann in fishnet stockings. I have that posted on my office wall to scare children. And, I had hoped, to turn fetching men but it is after all innate.

Oh great... my imagination's eye has gone blind again.

AbecedariusRex wrote:This thread scares the crap out of me.....

Well... I'm glad somebody said it... I was frightened to even admit it... the pictures were giving me nightmares... kinda like that one of Madelaine Albreit almost all the way down on the right-hand sidebar...

kinda like that one of Madelaine Albreit almost all the way down on the right-hand sidebar...

Arghh! More bad images! I'll never regain my eyesight at this rate!

Betty,
Perhaps these will help:
https://www.jossip.com/gossip/Michelle%20Malkin.jpg

https://www.ogdencity.com/img/import/im ... ELLECK.jpg

Ah yes. Selleck is the near-single example of a Hollywood type who is not a mountain of ego and stupidity. He's intelligent. As is James Woods. Listen to Ted Danson--and you'll wish for Miss South Carolina.

I'm here to help you Betty!
Get him some patchouli smelling salts and let him gaze on this:

My leg is acting up and I'm in a really pissy mood and being a good Socialist I'm going to share it.

With Betty

Molly Yard in bed with Rosie

Mr. Reno getting her hooves trimmed.

Roseanne in fish-net stockings.

Teddy in a jock strap..

There. I feel better and will continue to do so as long as I can repress the image of Teddy.

Oh, this thread is even beginning to excite me! LOL

Excite you?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!? I'm about ready to gouge out my eyes, and stick an electric egg beater in my brain to try to distract me from the horrid images these people keep throwing at me!

Must think of happy place... must keep in happy place....

Hillary wrote:I'm here to help you Betty!
Get him some patchouli smelling salts and let him gaze on this:

I know this picture!!! Isn't the chick on the right Diane Fossey?

Premier Betty wrote:Excite you?!? What the hell is wrong with you?!? I'm about ready to gouge out my eyes, and stick an electric egg beater in my brain to try to distract me from the horrid images these people keep throwing at me!

Must think of happy place... must keep in happy place....

Well, Betty, what can you expect. Pupovich is a canine.

And a lonely canine at that! It doesn't take much to get the Pup excited. As long as Nancy isn't part of the scene....

But doesn't Nansky look like a shar-pei? Mr. Reno looks like the love child of an Easter Island statue, which is not to be confused with Our Many Titted Empress, who <i>defines</i> nutcracker.

Can't say I agree, a shar-pei doesn't turn my stomach... sort of cute in their own way. Of course they are good ChiComs.

Are they, like Chows, bred for food? Let us imagine eating Nansky.

In the best possible way, of course.

Shar-pei's were actually bred as fighting dogs... hard to get a good killing hold on their necks with all that loose skin. Er...is there a best possible way to imagine eating Nancy? The easiest way I can imagine is to have some Ethiopian doing it, on TV, and me outside away from the set.

I had thought to wait to tell you, but you are on the guest list that Dr. Amin has prepared, once I accepted his offer to be his personal chef. The first guest of honor will be Nansky, and I shall stew her in burgundy for two weeks, with juniper berries, to get out that gamey taste.

Do not wear white.

Nansky.... the other Red Meat!

And Teddy. Already stewed in wine.

I'm not sure blubber qualifies as meat.

But think of the liver, Betty, the liver. In Provence they feed geese and ducks rich corn to make their livers cirrhotic, and then all you need is a hot pan and you have heaven. All that fat, and the blood can't get through it.

All we need is that liver and a really big skillet and we could feed Michael Moore for a day. That is if he's already eaten McDonald's. Not eaten <i>at</i> McDonalds, but eaten McDonalds.

Wait, there's something left of his liver?

Oh, yes, Betty. A cirrhotic liver gets bigger with fat. It gets spongy. The geese are fed a diet made to insure a cirrhotic liver and it grows in size to be I think about half the body weight. Have you ever had it? It's astonishingly fine.

In fact, as I told Dr. Amin, I like mine with a bit of thyme, but he's a purist. But then he has gone on record as saying that he prefers the blood of a black man to the blood of a white man as it is sweeter. And since the flesh of an animal is flavored by what it eats--corn-fed beef, you know--I wonder what his subjects ate before he ate them.

This was of course before he went into training before applying for a visa to come to AmeriKKKa to become a professional bowler. We can always use another bowler in America, you know, especially one who bowls with skulls.

I thought his liver died long before the fat deposits began to build up.

No, the fat is <i>in</i> the liver--fatty liver. The other fat is skin fat. The liver grows to several times its size, and is spongy. The various enzymes, AST and ALK, I think, something like that, are released when the hepatocytes burst from the toxins in alcohol, or from other causes.

Of course it's entirely possible that the booze never gets down past his neck and stays in his huge read balloon head, that endless repository of shit.

Diversifying male teams? It can work both ways too.

Life imitates the People's Cube:

I'll See Your Vagina And Raise You A Penis

Due to an obscure legal loophole called The Constitution, business can't restrict ladies' nights promotions to women. So when a man entered a ladies' poker tournament in Atlantic City, guess what happened?

65-year-old Abraham Kortotki signed up for the all-limit Texas Hold'em tourney at the Borgata on Saturday, and casino officials were powerless to stop him from entering. And the 261 other players, all female, were equally powerless to stop him from taking the pot of more than $20,000.

- https://deadspin.com/5362142/ill-see-yo ... ou-a-penis

Nearly 30 years ago in Austin there was a strip bar--for women. A man could go in provided he was wearing, I think, a white tuxedo.

Women have sued for admission to men's clubs saying that business deals are made there, and have won. I do believe in the right of association, which trumps what I can see as a point.

But I will never forgive that woman Shannon who sued to get into the Citadel and forced it to become co-ed. And was so fat and out of shape she lasted a month. That is, or was, a college for boys which in general had too much attitude and needed to have some older men knock the shit out of them. It is a male problem, and adolescent male problem, and the whole purpose of the Citadel was to socialize young males.

One could make an argument that a good deal of society's purpose is the socialization of young males. And the rash of single motherhood is just another failing, giving us an entire class of nearly sociopathic, but entirely irresponsible, usually violent young males.