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Michael Moore's Pledge - Revised and Improved

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Having read Michael Moore's pledge to disheartened Conservatives, we felt that its seemingly unthreatening tone might anger our radical base. They didn't endure all the fighting and the sacrifice so that they could watch a millionaire barrel of lard doing curtsies to the class enemy.

The People have spoken out - and they want blood! They have spoken out for purges, show trials, long prison sentences, and mass deportations. They want shakedown, expropriation, and redistribution.

Our radicals are radical not because they feed on subtleties! They take things at face value. If you say "war for oil" they see US troops breaking into the homes of poor Iraqis, grabbing barrels of oil from their shaky hands, and selling them at $54 a piece to sleazy Halliburton executives waiting outside.

Our radicals judge the contents by looking at the surface - and asking their Inner Comrades how good it makes them feel about themselves. It is both their strength and their weakness, which the Party has learned to exploit for the Greater Good™.

We hereby announce

People's Contest

for the translation of Michael Moore's Pledge
into a language that the radical masses can understand

In accordance with the Universal Equality of Outcome Principle, there shall be no winners in People's Contests. We declare you an equal winner even if you never have and never will submit anything.

We already have these Equally Winning Entries from our contributors:


Feel free to add more. It doesn't have to be a complete point-by-point rendition - just take your favorite parts and have your way with them. Post them below as text - or as links to your own blog.

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::To my God fearing redneck wage slaves in “Jesusland”::

I know you are disgusted and trembling at the results of last week's mandate for a New Direction™ and Islamofascism, we are personally excited. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place, where you don't want it to go -- like a bath house or a Streisand concert. Your 12-year Republican Revolt has ended with so much yet to do, steady defense appropriation, tax cuts, decent education that yields results and a tougher stance on the freedom fighters just to name a few. You are in a cluster f*ck of fatty fried foods, and I understand, because I am morbidly obese.

Well, buck up, FRIENDS! Do not walk away. I have disturbing news for you. I, and the millions of other communist, hypocrites and celebrities who are now in charge with our mighty Democratic Congress, have an agenda we would like to force on you, a list of demands that we offer you because we value your tax dollars, especially the hard earned ones. You don't deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power we recently uncovered in the living constitution -- and, to be a real son-of-a-bitch, I will fill ya in anyways on what we will do to you and your family, its all for my own amusement while I have the rest of this gravy intravenously enter my blood stream.

Dear Conservatives, Republicans and anyone else who values Western Civilization

I, and my fellow all-u-can eat buffet enthusiast, hereby thrust our agenda on you:

2. We will let you marry whomever you want; plant, animal, appliance, grandma and even a bowl of oatmeal -- especially when some of you consider our behavior to be "debauchery" or "immoral." Who we marry is none of your business and we have two activist judges who will back us up on that. Love and be in love, love thy neighbor and have sex with him, his wife, their dog and give a friendly poke or two with the fish tank, I do recall that in your “Bible”, yup I sure do and I would know, I'm a theologian in my spare time – this brave new sexual liberation is a wonderful gift, celebrate it.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have ever existed, and all Americans are able to get help choosing an abortionist, we promise that you, too, will be hoaxed into seeing an abortion specialist, regardless of your ability to find compassion for human life or deny our claims that your life is in peril danger, face it, the worlds population is too dense friends, and that explains poverty. And when stem cell research delivers our election night victory and the false promises of cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those false cures are translated into on demand abortion for you and your family, too. It's a lose lose situation, which makes us all ethical winners.

8. We will always write about, broadcast, advertise and educate you on various sexual activities that take place in the bedroom, but never the human life growing in your womb. What you do with your womb is between you and a consenting planned-parenthood representative, and to expose the procedure for all the world to see will overturn Roe V. Wade in a heartbeat, a living beings heartbeat if you want to believe hard science or this “biology” the oppressors like to cite. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not up to the moment of a partial-birth abortion. We promise you that, and will continue buying off as many Democratic politicians with NARAL and EMILY'S LIST money to ensure it so.

9. We will not take away your paintball guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to protect your property or civil-liberties from a jack-booted tyrannical progressive government, then you really aren't much of a paintball player and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our strangle hold on power free from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we did in Waco and Ruby Ridge.

Dear Comrades:

My heart leaps for joy and I weep the sweet tears of true Progressive Democracy as I read Comrades Moore, Kurgmann, and Chimp's manifestos. These persons are truly the intelligentsia heir-apparent to Marx and Engels! Even in victory our largesse toward the misguided, uneducated, and retarded fasco-conservatives is a shining example of true Marxist Democracy! The freedoms and benefits Moore, et al. bestow upon the imperialists rather than summary executions is more than they deserve.

However, I draw the line at waiving the mandatory twenty-year work camp sentence. Many of these conservatives are unrepentant and must be re-educated in lieu of a Tokarev behind the left ear. Our philanthropic line must be drawn somewhere, and the potential dissidence the neo-fascists can sow in the next two years must be contained lest the Proletariat be seduced by empty promises of financial and physical security. Let us temper our largesse toward the imperialists, let us not forget that The Revolution can only grow by shedding the blood of the bougeosie.

Thank you, and may Marx bless and equalize you

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What's amazing is that there is always room for more perfection in a Socialist Utopia!

1.) We will never call you "unpatriotic" because we don't really know what it means. Instead we'll call you Nazis. They tried to establish democracy in Iraq too. We think.

2.) You haven't heard the last from our activist judges.

3.) We won't spend your money and your grandchildren's money so much as give it away. Though some of it just might end up in a few freezers. Doesn't that sound balanced?

4.) After we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory we'll promptly resume hamstringing the military and the intellegence community. Viva la France deux!

5.) Under Hillary Care we'll all suffer equally. Whether rich or poor, your chances of dying while waiting for medical attention will sky rocket. The government is so swell at everything else, why shouldn't it be in charge of your health?

6.) We don't need no stinking economy. We will run with brother bear and swim with sister salmon over the crumbling remains of eeeeviiil western capitalism.

7.) Our enemies are going to have to nuke us before we decide they're worth fighting. Now that's what we call safe!

8.) We will be far too concerned with emptying your wallet and controlling your speech crime to look in your bedroom. Yet. Unless you're a Republican- then your bedroom and your families' bedrooms are totally fair game.

9.) We will promptly disarm the law abiding populace. Criminals should not be in fear while carrying out their chosen professions. Additionally the last recourse of the people against the tyrany of government is to lay down and surrender. If you cooperate with the bandits they probably won't kill you.

10.) So what if you have to work the register in a fast food restaurant to earn minimum wage? Everyone's entitled to whatever they want regardless of education or work ethic. In light of this we will continue all social engineering. At your expense.

11.) We encourage the practice and respect off all religions except for Christianity and Judaeism. We elevate Islam as being more equal than the others, and extremism will be welcome unless we have to worry about you murdering non-Jews.

One Enlightenment unit to be assigned to ignorant masses of Redneck oppressors...

To our future detainees,

I know you are upset that an election has taken place that avoided all disenfranchisement and irregularities.
Even the great Comrade Jyminski Carterich certified its authenticity.

We, the more equal leaders of The People's Republic of America, promise to dispense the following
in a more equal manner to you:

Zionist pigs,

We allot you in accordance to the great will of the people:

1. We will never call you "unpatriotic" because we do not understand what "patriotic" is. We will encourage you to speak out, into a cardboard box, which will double as your FREE housing unit.

2. We will allow you to marry anything until our Islamic rulers take command. They will love your women, they have already assured us.

3. We know how to spend your money. We will only enrich ourselves because we are the only people who can handle wealth.

4. We will bring your sons and daughters back to face war crime trials. Your children deserve to live like you will live, as a slave to the state.

5. You will never have to worry about retirement after we take over your health care system, trust us.

6. You will be allowed to drink water and breathe for only a minor environmental tax of eighty percent of your gross income.

7. If someone comes here and murders people who are not white, we will care and force him to go to Betty Ford for treatment.

8. You can mate how you want as long as you give your children to the state for a proper education.

9. We will not take your hunting guns, we will just disable them. Only an unarmed man can keep his children safe.

10. We will raise the minimum wage, which will also become the maximum wage. This will ensure equality.

11. We respect your beliefs as long as those beliefs are socialism or Islam. All others will be punished.

12. Our politicians will not be owned by the rich, they will BE the rich.

I promise your death will be swift.

Marked,

Mikeal Moorskivich

A directive to the once-free peoples of the Democratic States of Liberal Amerika

By Socialist Director and Activities Coordinator Mikail Mooreski

To the new minions of soon-to-be-oppressed people.

I revel in the fact that your government has been infiltrated by the socialist arm of the Democratic Republic and is now in our control. You are worried that the freedoms you once had and the progress you enjoyed are coming to an end. You should be rewarded for your correctness.

For 12 years my Democratic Brothers and sisters have sat by and complained to you how wrong you have been at every move, using your own media, supported by your “Freedom Document” which you call “The Constitution,” and the socialist law association you so stupidly refer to as the Amerikan Civil Liberties Union. We have taken your House and Senate and soon will depose your sitting president.

Be of good cheer, Komrades! Now that the politburo is in control of all the government services, we will soon be coming forth with our carefully hidden plan to take complete control of your lives and redistribute your wealth.

We make this promise to you and will by force implement the rules if necessary.

Losers of the great government control battle, here are the basic set of NEW rules you must abide by.

1. You will not use your prior conservative leanings to question the politburo or any member of that body. Doing so will cost you your remaining freedoms.

2. You will be given a chance to choose a mate, be it a cow, a pig (Ms. Clinton is already taken.. scratch the pig), Goat or stapler. There will be much merrymaking while destroying the values of the “Marriage Doctrine”.

3. We will grow a big and demanding government and will not be required to show you how our money is spent. We will extract a great tax from all whom we deem rich and will prosecute any who show us they can profit off the people's land or the people's sweat.

4. When we stop fighting for the cause of freedom and turn tail and run, we will remember that your sons and daughters over there can only be tried once for their war crimes. Surely the families of these criminals must be held accountable also so we would suggest you ignore anything they tell you about accomplishments and give them shelter only in the family barn.

5. When we have finally overtaken Amerika we will force you to take the health coverage we offer. You will see a doctor to get your state-approved shots; you will comply. We will start with the law abiding; we will find all the others too.

6. You polluting vermin will be stripped of all tools and devices that contribute to industrial output. Even though no other country on this planet will be required to be under these regulations you will. All luxury vehicles and private aircraft, watercraft, transportation vehicles that use gasoline will be deemed illegal and will be confiscated by us and used solely for government purposes.

7. Should there ever be a real terrorist attack that kills Amerikans NOT planned by the government, we will let you know when we have killed whatever person we deem responsible.

8. We will support sex for the purpose of murder. You may procreate as often as you wish but will be required to go through population control classes before you are allowed to bear a child.

9. We will confiscate whatever weapons you could use to defend yourself in public. We will decide how you hunt. When our forces take all the handguns and automatic weapons, then only the government will be able to harm you. You will comply.

10. We will set a working wage for all of the Democratik Republik. You will make the amount we agree is proper for the work you do. There will be no illegal aliens as we all will become people of the state. Those previously segregated and treated as criminals for only wanting a better life, will be rewarded with the highest wages.

11. To all religious Neanderthals: we will force you to practice what you think you believe in, to the level we think you should. You will comply.

12. When we decide that a politician has been corrupted, we will handle, by secret tribunal, all complaints. If that politician is not promoting the correct government belief, he/she/it will be publicly shamed. We will show you the level of corruptness by our Komrades first. When that one is cleared out, we will pick your party apart, one at a time, until there are none.

As our collective prosperity fades between the shores, we will store emergency funds in fat coffers - to be used as we see fit.

You will sink as one. Until we have won.

Socialist Director and Activities Coordinator,
Mikail Mooreski.


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Michael Moore was quoted:
2. You will be given a chance to choose a mate, be it a cow, a pig (Ms. Clinton is already taken.. scratch the pig
Comrade Moore, you have stepped beyond your authority with this remark. Accordingly:

All your base are belong to us!

You were useful only to a point, Comrade. We'll have no desecration of HRC here. Prepare your fat ass for boarding!!

BETTY!!! Call out the Nixon Clones!
CHAIRMAN MEOW!!! Ready the Michael Jackson!!

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The brilliant Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda wrote:

All your base are belong to us!

You were useful only to a point, Comrade. We'll have no desecration of HRC here. Prepare your fat ass for boarding!!

BETTY!!! Call out the Nixon Clones!
CHAIRMAN MEOW!!! Ready the Michael Jackson!!

His TAX dollars also BELONG TO US! The M.J is armed, ready and feeling a bit frisky... "Jamon, EEEHHHEEEEE!"

He is state property.. Give him only ONE GLOVE.. but since the MJ has entertainment value, make glove with sparkles!

I would say aim the weapon MJ at President Clinton but neither past or future one would be good target for this type of SEEKER!

I would say better weapon against anti socialist swine is the ROSIE O!

She will cause great damage if properly aimed at empty headed anti-state Mothers of suckling young. In girth alone she could topple the RNC offices in free DC!

Just prepare fuel and aim carefully!

Stoshu


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Comrade Stoshu,

We do not say "one glove" here. To do so will only lead the uneducated masses (and soldiers) astray with memories of O.J Simpson, the Peoples Hero of Social-Justice. Who I will remind you, was completely innocent of all charges pressed against him by the criminal L.A police Dept.

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1.) We will never steal or plagiarize the ideas of others like you guys do and we'll always give credit to those comrades whose work we've "lifted."

MOOREWATCH

MOOREWATCH - WATCHING MICHAEL MOORE'S EVERY MOVE wrote:*UPDATE*
<br>Oh my God. Hysterical. Moore stole the whole thing!

*UPDATE* 2

Like the good little lapdogs they are, the LA Times reprints Mikey's stolen manifesto without bothering to mention that he stole it.

Journalists today simply amaze me. Does anyone do any research into anything anymore? I'm sorry, let me re-phrase that. Does anyone do any research into anything that doesn't involve a republican anymore?

Posted by JimK on 11/15 at 11:13 PM • Permalink • E-mail this to a friend • Discuss in the forums

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives ...by Michael Moore (Deconstructed)

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. Neither will we call you “communists”, “traitors” or “anti-American”. We don't particularly regard those words as insults. Instead, should you dare to disagree with us on any issue for any reason, we will call you racists, sexists, homophobes, intolerant red-necked bastards, Nazis and “hairy backed, swamp dwelling knuckle draggers” (as per Garrison Keillor)

2. We will let you marry whatever you want in whatever number you choose, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." We reject all homo sapiens bigotry. Outdated prejudices against sex with children will be rejected. What you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

3. We will not let you spend your money on your personal whims. You are too stupid to save and invest for your own retirement and for your children and grandchildren. We have special education and training that gives us the wisdom to invest your money productively in social empowerment, self-esteem enhancement, economic and social justice, midnight basketball, fair trade, community outreach, AIDS research, gay and lesbian sensitivity training for all age groups, re-education camps, all electric vehicles and gun confiscation. It is our checkbook and don't you forget it. Besides, if we get our way, there need be no concern about your grandchildren's money.

4. We will soon bring your sons and daughters home from Iraq, and then send them on peace missions to prop up left wing dictatorships in Haiti and other enlightened and progressive areas of the world. Our sons and daughters, to the extent we have any, won't be going anywhere as they are too intelligent and educated to enlist in the military.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have government rationed health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. It may not be a real doctor and he or she might not have the latest patented medications developed by those incredible evil and greedy drug companies, and you may have to wait so long for life saving procedures that you die before your turn comes up, but at least everyone will receive the same care. (Except of course for high ranking party officials, whose well being is necessary for the greater good.) And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to high ranking party officials without delay. You and your family will no doubt derive great comfort from knowing this.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulations when their costs seem to exceed their benefits, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. You may have to wait in line for cabbages and potatoes, but just think about all that free clean air and water.

7. Should mass murdering religious extremists ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to understanding what caused them to act that way and how our foreign policy was really to blame. We will devote every effort to making our society more friendly and welcoming to those who practice a faith that requires them to kill or enslave all who they regard as infidels. We know that if we can adopt a policy of non-violence and tolerance that we can join with those who only want to kill us in a new spirit of universal peace and brotherhood. Besides, wearing a burka is a valid form of self expression. You will feel safe then. Trust us.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb unless we think you are hiding gold or guns in there. What you do as adults is our business. Let's be clear on this. You may not own guns, other weapons, more money than we think you need, tobacco, dangerous chemicals, reactionary literature or Bibles. You also may not pray or smoke in public places. We will continue to watch you from the moment you are born, until your social utility has been determined to cease. At that point, you will be given a quiet and peaceful termination at the caring and gentle hands of Special Public Serenity Services Employees. You may go to your rest assured that any useful organs recovered will be preserved for the benefit of high ranking party officials, (for the greater good.)

9. We will not take away your hunting guns, although without ammunition, they won't be much of a danger to you or animals. We will decide what, if any, guns you need. Old fashion ideas about the people being sovereign, and governments having only those powers delegated to it by the people are mere relics of a less progressive age. The very notion that armed citizens are necessary to the preservation of a free state is just right wing propaganda from troglodytes like the NRA. The Constitution doesn't say that, or at least, it won't shortly. We will make our streets and schools as hospitable to dangerous criminals as possible. We will protect the children of high ranking party officials with armed guards, high fences and security systems. You and your children are on your own.

10. We will raise the minimum wage and set a maximum wage. We will pay you what we determine is sufficient for your needs. Of course, when all goods are rationed and the good stuff is available only in special stores, (only for high ranking party officials), money won't really mean very much. So, we will give the poor tons of it.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, for now, so long as you don't practice those beliefs in public places. Religious instruction will have no place in public, except for the Koran, which will be required reading. Your children will be trained to be sensitive to the feelings of Jihadists....... and to inform upon you if you engage in intolerant speech at home. We will quote passages from your most sacred texts, regardless of context, to support political points we advance, but will ignore all other passages as it suits our purpose. We will insincerely invoke the Deity as it suits our purpose and we will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism, as we define it, here at home, thus setting an example of religious suppression for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich, unless they are named Reid, Clinton, Murtha, Mollohan, Jefferson, Hastings, or Hoyer, or if the rich guy is named Soros. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the Party. And we promise you we will bring phony indictments against Republican politicians in Texas who are too effective in Washington FIRST. Simply because we are in power we have the right to decide what is and isn't a crime.

I promise all of the above to you so you don't go getting uppity. You are every bit as American as we are, although some American are more equal than others. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one, except for high ranking party officials, who will get the only lifeboat. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to control wealth and power we did nothing to create.

Signed,
Michael Moore, (George Bruce)

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Stoshu wrote:
2. You will be given a chance to choose a mate, be it a cow, a pig (Ms. Clinton is already taken.. scratch the pig), Goat or stapler. There will be much merry making while destroying the values of the “Marriage Doctrine”.

THOUGHTCRIME!!!!!!!

Slandering Glorious Uber Comrade HRC!!!! Report to the nearest re-education with your government issued shovel at once!!! You will be digging up the horrid war criminals buried at Arlignton so they may be prosecuted for their atrocities against the universe. After you have completed that task you will begin construction on the Museum of Hope. If you do not appear within 24 hours it will become much much worse comrade.

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

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Good job comrade O'Brien, put that bigot to work building the Museum of Hope! How dare he call Her Excellency a "pig". HOW DARE HE!

Comrade Bruce, you have committed another critical error -- your name is George *gasp*! What parental unit or state-sanctioned care-giver named you that!? Huh!? Answer me dammit! I want names comrade Bruce, NAMES!

We will not tolerate lapses in Ideological Purity™. You're either a DEMOCRAT or a War KKKriminal. Pick one or have the ACLU choose one for you.

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1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
It will make it easier for the Thought Police to find you that way.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
Because “different” or “immoral” are relative terms, we want to allow everyone to marry whoever they want. Man, woman, brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, father, adult, child, whatever floats your boat. In fact, we have so much love to share, we won't even restrict you to merely one spouse.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.
Instead we will spend it on other people more deserving than your brainwashed little fascist bastards. Check with us before using your ATM card to avoid an overdraft.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
Let's learn a lesson from the French and capitulate. War should only be fought for morally imperative reasons like postponing unfair impeachment proceedings against politically correct thinking, enlightened socialist presidents.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
Just Imagine! All the best of government bureaucracy AND health insurance combined! It's just the sort of thing that's right up our alley. Start making your appointments now. It will be awhile before we can get you in. While we're at it, we will straighten out our medical priorities. Screw all the cancer and heart disease research. We need to address America's biggest health crisis since the Swine Flu… AIDS! And remember, all those aborted non-viable lumps of tissue are a COMMODITY.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
By the way, we have found an endangered North American Spotted Dung Slug in your backyard. Report to the Ministry of Housing for reassignment to a new dacha.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.
Provided we can do it without intervening militarily. Often a friendly letter can help resolve any misunderstandings that result in these unfortunate incidents. Of course this is all hypothetical since it was all the RepugliKKKans' fault anyway and won't happen again under our enlightened leadership.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
Unless it involves something we can you use against you for political gain. Your heterosexual relationships are boring anyway. We will fully support your patriotic choice in matters of reproductive freedom. Heck, it's in the Constitution somewhere.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.
We'll take care of that pesky 2nd Amendment…and oh yeah, you won't need those hunting guns after we make hunting illegal anyway.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.
…and we mean that literally comrade.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.
But please keep them to yourself and be a happy dhimmi.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
We will only tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by minorities, special interests groups, and foreign governments. Because of his enormous contribution to the revolution, George Soros will receive a special dispensation and will be grandfathered in.

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The Party's Directives to a Cowed Populace
...by O'Brien

To My soon to be re-educated Brothers and Sisters who are in fact beneath me,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go, but in fact that doesn't matter since we are now your duly appointed superiors and will round you up in a few short months. Your feeble democracy is now on the brink of disappearing forever. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, Comrades! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now your masters with our Soviets, have a list of orders for you to comply with. You will comply. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and your family.

Thus, here is the Party's Directives to a Cowed Populace:

Comrades!
I, and The Party, hereby declare to you:

1. We will always respect you for your beliefs, unless of course those beliefs do not coincide with our beliefs. If they do not, please make yourself known by dissenting so that you and your intolerant racist family can be rounded up and sent off to the re-education facility where we will get your ‘mind right' so that we may all live in peace and harmony.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, unless of course it is some ‘traditional marriage' in which you marry someone of the opposite sex. It is especially heinous if you marry someone of the same race and of the opposite sex. You are a racist and an intolerant bigot who will be shipped off to the re-education facility where you will get your ‘mind right'.

3. We will spend all of your money, your grandchildren's money, your dog's money…pretty much everyone's money, as we deem fit. It's your checkbook, and we will balance it for you since you can't do it yourself. In fact, don't worry about anything for The Party will do it all for you, and you won't even have to think about it. Remember: IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. This way they can no longer kill babies and torment those ‘freedom fighters' who only want to kill everyone that is not them. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie without bringing them back and spitting on them and calling them baby killers and then turning them over to our true masters, the UN, for war crimes.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to stand in line, wait months for an appointment and then see a doctor that doesn't care because no matter how badly he/she performs they will still have a job, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers cures for the common cold, flu, AIDS, acne, hair loss, small breasts, morning breath, sun spots, and rogue asteroids preparing to slam into the earth, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. Free of charge! Well not really free of charge, just the 80% income tax that we need to impose for this, but you'll never see that money anyway because it comes right out of your paycheck!

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, The Party, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. But only on every other Tuesday, because that is the only day that we will let you out of your cave so that you will not impact the environment in any bad way.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. Except the military because they are a bunch of war mongering baby killers. And the FBI, CIA, INS or any other US agency because we have no authority beyond our borders. But fear not! We will send out mass mailing to all the governments of the world to pretty please, if you can, if it's not too much trouble, please ask people to not kill us. The PARTY will protect you. The Party knows what's best for you. The Party will go to war when the Party deems it necessary for your peace. Remember: WAR IS PEACE

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. Unless of course you are a saying or doing things that are contrary to official Party Doctrine. If you do we will round you up and send you off to the re-education facility. We will continue to count your age from the moment WE say you were born. Big Brother is Watching You!!

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. We will make sure that you are insufficiently armed to oppose us in any fashion. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours. Because of course if we outlaw guns, there is no way that criminals can obtain them. Just because they are criminals doesn't mean that they won't follow the law. A cowed populace is a happy populace. Remember: FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. Period. Everyone makes the same regardless of deed or merit.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. Unless of course your religion teaches creationism, abstinence, man and wife, etc. We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't bless America, he blesses everyone else since America is ‘The Great Satan'. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism – by applying for a new Religion License. If we deem you outside of The Party doctrine, you license will be revoked and your followers will be imprisoned as intolerant bigots.

12. We will not tolerate politicians or anyone who is corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. By ‘rich' we mean Republicans. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of The Party (Pelosi!!). And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. There. Done. None on our side! It is the duty of everyone to watch your neighbors and turn in anyone guilty of THOUGHTCRIME.

All of the above are hereby enacted as LAW by the power conferred upon me by Glorious Uber Comrade HRC. You WILL comply or be sent off to the Ministry of Love to publicly confess your Thoughtcrimes to the general public and be re-educated. You will be given further instructions as to your new work assignments and housing in the months to come.
Do not attempt to circumvent any of these newly enacted laws, because we will know.
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!

O'Brien

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

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Meh, no need to go through a point-by-point reinterpretation of the "Moore Manifesto". The essence can be distilled simply by paraphrasing a certain well-known turncoat Socialist author. "All are equal in the eyes of the State but some are more equal than others". Guess on which side of that divide comrade Moore sees himself?

It's extremely generous of him to offer to "let" people keep "hunting guns" and to offer to pay you AND your employees fair wages. I'm sure that comrade Moore himself will be more than happy to let a government commisssion decide what portion of his millions he will be allowed to to keep and be paid in the future. I'm sure that the private security services that he and his friends use will no longer be armed. I also imagine that he will have no problem sending his child (or children?) to public schools and that he and his family will gladly use the same public hospitals and health clinics as the rest of the Proletariat. I can rest assured knowing that Moore and his fellows in the entertainment industry will not demand any special priviledge nor expect to continue to "live better" or "be more wealthy" than any of their fellow citizens simply because they amassed more than their "fair share" of wealth in the past. They will gladly be the first in line when it comes time to pay 70- 90% of their excess wealth to the government in the name of the Common Good™. We will be greatful for their contributions; all programs will be well funded and all people will be absolutely equal, regardless of past inequities.

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Commissar M wrote:I can rest assured knowing that Moore and his fellows in the entertainment industry will not demand any special priviledge nor expect to continue to "live better" or "be more wealthy" than any of their fellow citizens simply because they amassed more than their "fair share" of weath in the past.
And he will never, ever go through the Wal-Mart's back door to get a limited edition of PS3 just because all those less equal comrades waiting in line would've also done it if they were as important to the movement as he is.

Mr. Mooreskis Back door has been "Gone Through" more tomes than the weapon MJ has said "WOOOO HOOO!"


Stoshu

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Wow, they must have been really desperate.


ac1
I get to choose a mate huh. Than I choose Victoria's Secret model
Adriana Lima, man she is hot.

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Apparently the best and the shortest version of the same story was written about 2,600 years ago by Aesop:

THE FOX AND THE STORK

At one time the Fox and the Stork were on visiting terms and seemed very good friends. So the Fox invited the Stork to dinner, and for a joke put nothing before her but some soup in a very shallow dish. This the Fox could easily lap up, but the Stork could only wet the end of her long bill in it, and left the meal as hungry as when she began. "I am sorry," said the Fox, "the soup is not to your liking." "Pray do not apologize," said the Stork. "I hope you will return this visit, and come and dine with me soon." So a day was appointed when the Fox should visit the Stork; but when they were seated at table all that was for their dinner was contained in a very long-necked jar with a narrow mouth, in which the Fox could not insert his snout, so all he could manage to do was to lick the outside of the jar.

La Fontaine also wrote a versified version, ending it with these lines:

Swindlers, I've written this for you:
Just wait-your turn is coming too!

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Here is my contribution, Comrades!


Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

Indeed, in the coming Dictatorship of the Proletariat™ even suspicion of harboring an reactionary devotion to the "Nation-State" will get you "patriots" hauled before a Revolutionary Tribunal of Justice!

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

The Revolution is incomplete, Comrades....eventually this form of subversion will have to be dealt with, as it was by the Great Progressives Stalin and Castro, but for now the homosexuals are Class Allies. You will be informed when the Party no longer requires thier assistance.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

The voluntary contributions of the Proletariat will further the World Revolution, instead of fattening the coffers of the exploiting classes. But of course those Workers with more responsibilities require more than thier comrades who have lesser ones.


4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

The Reactionaries, Kulaks, and cosmopolitans will have to be weeded out first, but those who remain in the new Worker's and Peasant's Army will be the Vanguard of the Revolution, and there is much work for them to do....both against the wreckers at home, and other capitalist states whose workers need to be Liberated!

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

In fact, some of you will get the opportunity to assist the Comrade Doctors in the research that will make the Five Year Plan for Medicine a success!

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

You'll have plenty of time to do it, too....there are many Canals that need to be dug, and trees to harvest!


7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Just reflect on how many people Comrade Stalin found to be involved in the death of Comrade Kirov....that will be nothing to what we will do to you Conter-Revolutionaries!! We'll root out each and every one of you bastards!!


8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

As long as you're making new Workers and Peasants, that is.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

Every Party member will have his/her revolver.....and they'll have need of it, too!

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

From each according to thier abilities, to each according to thier needs.


11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

Ah, yes..religion. Another bourgeois concept that will be stamped out in time. The so-called "muslim" religion has been useful in destabilizing the Capitalist State, but eventually they will outlive thier usefullness and need to be liquidated.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

Tell the Cheka everything, Comrade...we have our quota too. If you do a good job of informing we may find it expedient to forgive your crimes before the Revolution. Of course spreading slander about a good Party Comrade is Wrecking and will be punished accordingly so be careful.


 
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