From: Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III Esq.
W.R.M.A.T.D.T.B.T.S.C.*
Westchesterfield, Staffordshire Proper, Great Britain

Dear Mr. Imus,

I really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes? Tut tut! What has gotten into you Yanks? I say, so what! If some young birds like to wear nappies (or as you Americans say "diapers") on their heads, what is so bloody "racist" about the mere mention of it? I submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer, but unless this is some twisted version of "A Clockwork Orange" that has gone horribly awry, I cannot comprehend what the entire ruckus is about.

Certainly, over here we stop wearing nappies straight away once our mum has raised us properly to use the loo, but if you observed these birds wearing them on their heads, what is the problem? I see no sign of racism in what you said. What happened to you could never happen here. Perhaps it is because we've managed to keep women and Negroes in their place for centuries without incident.Some people say that you used a "sexist" remark. You didn't harass them for cross-dressing, did you? Now that would be sexist. After all, cross-dressing is fun to do, especially when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister and we all dressed up when Elton John would grace us with his presence at concerts. But alas, I stray from my point.

With all due respect Mr. Imus, nevertheless had you said they were the Rutgers rug-munching, vulva-licking bull riders or horse-faced, apple-eating, whisker-biscuit sperm receptacles, I could see the nags getting a little bit poutish, but you said nothing to cause them to sack you! It was just a harmless little analysis! Quite frankly, I think this whole thing is absurd! They bloody do look like hard-core, butch-dyke, bearded-clam diving, vagitarian tarts! So bully for you!

Luckily we here in the U.K. don't have to muck around with all that "free speech" twaddle, because we haven't any! All opinion and information is cautiously filtered through the B.B.C. and therefore no harmful or criminal thoughts can injure the public. We pride ourselves of being the centre of culture and vulgar people are not allowed to voice their wretched opinions without consent from our Majesty or the Ministry.

Another thing that has me puzzled is, what is the great harm in your observation that girly basketball players use garden equipment, specifically hoes? When my wifey toils in the olde Victory garden, she frequently uses a hoe. When she's working, I go to the Stone Pig Pub for my Wednesday six pint romp. After I get good and pissed, I tell everyone in the village that my lady is the best hoer around! Does that make me a sexist? I think not, because everybody laughs out loud when I say it. Whatever, I'm tired and believe I shall fetch me some buttered scones and tea.

I hope you get your situation back olde boy; if not, there is one available here for someone like you. Yes olde boy, someone such as you, going about hating everybody, thinking that all men are inherently evil and can never be trusted. You are the gold standard of bitter, wretched olde men who presuppose that everyone is always in need of the strict direction and control of an all-powerful omnipotent government. Over here, we are of the opinion that by giving a man a good pranging every once in a while, he soon forgets all about that "liberty" stuff. Thank goodness you colonists are slowly coming around to our point of view and censoring all sorts of speech, then twisting it around to sound as if asking for lower taxes is tantamount to open rebellion against your own benevolent government and you ought to be hung from the highest lanyard for treason.

Ta Ta,

Reggie

Lord Reginald Higgenbotham III, Esq.,
Westchesterfield, Staffordshire Proper, Great Britain

___________________
* W.R.M.A.T.D.T.B.T.S.C. = Well-Respected Man About Town Doing The Best Things So Conservatively

Diapers... on their head...?

I have never been so offended in my life and have provided an analysis for Lord Haw-Haw's rant! This thing should be aborted immediately so the The Children™ will never have to learn such vulgar and demeaning language (unless it is done by 50 Cent, Tupac, P. Diddy or Dr. Palimpsest and myself. Then and only then is it acceptable).

Lord Haw-Haw wrote:I really cannot seem to fathom what this big row is all about. Why would anyone get distraught regarding your observation of a small number of nappy-headed hoes?

His reference to the NHH-words is clearly bigoted and racist and should be sanitized for collective viewing.

Lord Haw-Haw wrote:I submit that wearing nappies on one's head sounds a bit queer

His use of the Q-word without "theory" at the end suggest homophobia, necrophobia, appliancephobia and is bigoted in so many ways that I'm at a lose for words!

Lord Haw-Haw wrote:With all due respect Mr. Imus, nevertheless had you said they were the Rutgers rug-munching, vulva-licking bull riders or horse-faced, apple-eating, whisker-biscuit sperm receptacles, I could see the nags getting a little bit poutish, but you said nothing to cause them to sack you!

His reference to both Rosie O'Donnell and Madam Lewinsky is clearly uncalled for and should be censored by Party apparatchiks. Never have I seen a string of stereotypical racial and sexist epithets used in such a vulgar manner... I am shocked, appalled and outraged. I'm also at a lose for further words on this matter as well.

Lord Haw-Haw wrote:They bloody do look like hard-core, butch-dyke, bearded-clam diving, vagitarian tarts!

The use of "tarts" is both sexist and offensive to Pastry-Amerikans and Womyn. Appliance-Amerikans are also offended and all three Party Caucuses will be meeting with all Demokratic Presidential candidates to formulate a proper response to this blantant act of "free speech".

Lord Haw-Haw wrote:After I get good and pissed, I tell everyone in the village that my lady is the best hoer around!

We all know that anyone who dwells in a village who uses this kind of sexist/racial language will certainly not be around the next morning. I question his role and wether or not he does indeed dwell in a village. If he does in fact dwell in a village, I propose that this village he speaks of be burned immediately to the ground with all inhabitants inside their huts! We must purge this disbelief with fire, comrades! The Goracle demands that they feel the flames of Global Warming™ in order for them to atone for their sins against progress!


In conclusion, this Angry White Christian Male (who happens to be a member of the Wealthiest 1%™) is a Macacaist™ and should be sacrificed on the Goremon™ Weather Rock® at once! We MUST appease the God(ess/repair(womyn/man) of Global Warming™ with this thing's fluids so that The Children™ will be spared by His/Her/It's wrath!

Meow wrote:His use of the Q-word without "theory" at the end suggest homophobia, necrophobia, appliancephobia and is bigoted in so many ways that I'm at a lose for words!

I bow to you yet again, Chairman; I had merely thought that that's just what I am and thought nothing more of it. But if I can spin some theory out of it--after all I majored in math--then I can prove anything that I want and make O'Brien sound like Ayn Rand.

Now let's see. From hereforth I proclaim myself a victim nonpareil. And I'll have all sorts of theories, anything which will serve, for anything that I want. And since I'm a victim then it doesn't have to make sense.

My only worry though is that if your Appliance Americans form an alliance with the Hildo Hydra 7.1 and are marketed by the rug-munching Rosie and k. d., we will not be safe in our beds. Especially not in our beds.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:My only worry though is that if your Appliance Americans form an alliance with the Hildo Hydra 7.1 and are marketed by the rug-munching Rosie and k. d., we will not be safe in our beds. Especially not in our beds.

That is why we'll pit all victims groups against one another!

- Hetero Vs. Homo

- Latino Vs. African-Amerikan

- Appliace-Amerikan Vs. Pastry-Amerikan

- Rich Vs. Poor

- Worker Vs. Entreprenuer

- Gay Vs. Lesbian

- Everyone collectively Vs. White Christian Male

And the list goes on and on and on and on! All we have to do is find a small segment within the AmeriKKKan population, label it, set is a protected minority class, add the hyphen before Amerikan, and VIOLA we have a new angry and disatisfied victim group ready to protest the whatever trumped up or completely fabricated injustice we present them! Hopefully enough discourse between these groups will become too great for the state to handle thus ensuring favorable conditions for a People's Revolutionary Class Struggle! All we have to do is sit back, kick up our heels, and let the revolution takes it's course! But be mindful, we musn't let it get to out of hand so that the revolution consumes us! This is why, noble Theocritus, we have publik educashion to dictate who and what will be consumed when the revolution finally happens... this of course is to ensure our survival, and more importantly, our power structure (with us at the top, mind you).

LET THE PARADE OF VICTIMS BEGIN! LEAVE NO HEART UNBLED!

*******NEWS FLASH*******

Reuters News Service

Angry mobs of Liberal Lords began tossing their W.R.M.A.T.D.T.B.T.S.C.'s over a barricade at Buckingham Palace today in response to Lord Higgenbottom's outrageous and offensive remarks against every victim group real or imagined.

Some Lords were doubly offended when they discovered that W.R.M.A.T.D.T.B.T.S.C. actually contained the "C" word at the end.
With stiff upper lips and shouts of "Jolly good show, old man" thousands of Lords leaped at the chance to actually make a political statement and condemn Higgenbottom.

"I say, this really is a romp and quite good fun. I really haven't had an outing like this since I was in knickerbockers" declared Lord Clivedenset.

Chairman, your idea is inspired. Of course all must be turned against each other for our access to power. But think of how tedious it would be to actually have to listen to that for I do need to take a month off to catalogue Crown Jewels coming in from the Tower on Trump's private jet. (Arm and Hammer and Sickle's was so 80s that I couldn't use it. Sense of style, you know.)

So we shall use the PolySci students of the graduating classes of pricey private universities, like my old one, who, so swollen in their self-importance, will be more than happy to mediate between the warring factions. I know from the great pleasure of some experiences that I had in the 70s with this sort demanding my money back that the collectivists had taken by fiat from me for services of their devising which I did not need, and after a 45-minute haggle in the Cabinet I had not won but I had caused severe distress in some budding pirates. Fools all, whose best result in life would have been to be gibbeted.

They will endlessly chair committees, have all-night bull sessions, and Dominic's will give us a discount, and if they won't, we'll get one, and in the wee hours of the morning feel themselves having done a good job as they fall into bed and flushed with the success of running other's lives, or thinking that they will, hump their needle dicks into the mattress as the sublimation of their pathological need to interfere.

But let's go further and make the various factions unintelligible: All blacks must speak Ebonics; all Mexicans Spanish. All male gays Polari. All Lesbians Snap-on Toolese and so forth. Then we can employ other fools as cadres of translators, for the number of translations grows combinatorically, you know: By the time that we get to 100 dialects we will need more translators than there are atoms in the universe. (True.)

Commissar Theocritus wrote: So we shall use the PolySci students of the graduating classes of pricey private universities, like my old one, who, so swollen in their self-importance ...

Indeed! But let's limit it to only the lovely females. They tend to cause other things to become swollen and that can be employed to our advantage and delight.

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

Comrade Blokhayev wrote:But let's limit it to only the lovely females. They tend to cause other things to become swollen and that can be employed to our advantage and delight.

That is going to be rather difficult knowing that the Party does not employ "lovely" womyn. The closest thing we have to "lovely" womyn, comrade Blokhayev, is the Hollywood Gliteratti - and we all know they're too stupid to convert anything/anybody to OUR way of thinking. No, the proles will except our Party womyn for whats on the inside as opposed to cowering at the sight of their manish faces, hairy palms, and over priced pant suites. We, as good Communist, know that a womyn who mimics a man, both in appearance and deed, is surely something special, something worthwhile, and most importantly - something that should be treasured and obeyed FOREVER! I have absolute faith that Janet Reno will persuade any young adolescent to except her and other progressive womyn for their au naturale beauty and their oversized bleeding hearts. Because, well... they don't really have a choice. Especially when the old sea hags start yelling, yes, that is sure to get their attention.

And if they do not accept their new roles, then a visit from Dykes on Bikes will re-educate them. And they always travel well-accoutered--no brace of lesbians ever is far from an arc-welder, for emergency repairs on the Hildo Hyrda 7.1.

And Comrade Blokahev, as Chairman Punchenko remarks, the Party does not employ lovely women, but rather those who look as though they might pass a DNA test at the Olympics--and it was for just such confections that the DNA tests were instituted, when the East Germans took Hans and by dint of a little surgery, made Gretel and entered her into the shot-put.

I personally would relieve you of these people for I do not mind large hands and feet and the silicon implants can be removed. And once I tire of them, I can put them to work changing the oil on my collective's tractors--the ones which have been besmeared by the love of the proper young Soviet boy, whose first crush is always on farm equipment.

To further the appeal, I suggest a lottery for proles and the winner will get to make a mess with a John Deere. If that doesn't fetch 'em, I don't know what will.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:That is going to be rather difficult knowing that the Party does not employ "lovely" womyn.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:...as Chairman Punchenko remarks, the Party does not employ lovely women, but rather those who look as though they might pass a DNA test at the Olympics...

You two mean to tell me that we don't have a womyn that is both a Party(tm) member and listens to Ani DeFranco??? WTF?

--
Zampolit B. S. Blokhayev

One does not so much listen to Ani DeFranco as to have the entire experience of being immersed in Ani DeFranconess. We must give our all for the party, in someone else's all.

All this was made clear to me when I had an epiphany as lapidary as the one when I realized that Publishers' Clearing House was not going to give me money, or that the Texas lottery, being set up by Texas, run by Texas and for the benefit of Texas, was going to do me no favors. That moment of insight was when I realized that the East German male atheletes with their private parts cut off or turned inside out would still be more feminine than Olga and Istvana. And require less electrolysis.

Commissar Theocritus wrote:East German male atheletes with their private parts cut off or turned inside out would still be more feminine than Olga and Istvana.

Or Ani DeFranco

--

I have had some experience dealing with braces of lesbians and I know from experience that any brace of lesbians will have access to an arc welder. This is not a joke. I have just bought a new house in the best neighborhood in this town, which is like being the best ski-jumper in Jamaica, but in a way I'm sorry to leave. It is an enclave, in this town of 9500 people, of people who walk down the opposite of the street. But I felt safe here, in this crime-ridden barrio, because of the burglar bars on the back of the house and because all the lesbian gym teachers live across the street and can fell a peeper with a beer can at 50 paces.

But if you've ever seen J. and T. in swimsuits, washing their jet-skis on a summer afternoon, their asses two ax-handles wide, as we say in Texas, you might get a house and move in down the street from me. That sight would change your luck and has confirmed my nature. It is the only time in my life that I might have bought into the Christian canard that homosexuality is a choice. If they're the bait, then yes, and I defy a man with the (professed) piety of Jerry Falwell and the id of Bill Clinton not to subscribe to <i>Playgirl</i> after that sight.

Gruesome. If I could find a way to render up cellulite I'd be a very wealthy man.