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Congress Repeals Ban on Perpetual Motion Machines

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WASHINGTON - In a bold move to lessen our dependence on traditional fuels and decrease carbon emissions, Congress voted to repeal an old Republican ban on perpetual motion machines, clearing the way for the development of self-propelled water wheels, self-flowing flasks, float belts, zeromotors, and other environmentally-friendly industrial equipment.

Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.

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"These free and clean energy sources threatened to drain profits and power from their filthy grasping hands," he added, preempting further debates by revealing potential opponents' hidden motives.

"Our intense collaboration with the scientific community has shown that a desired scientific consensus can be quickly achieved with correct redistribution of scientific grants," Holdren said. "Likewise, any alternative technological solution can be just as quickly achieved through the government funding of the effort to raise public awareness of the need to fund alternative solutions."

Leaders of the shrinking Republican opposition in Congress predictably tried to rewrite history by claiming there has never been a legal ban on perpetual motion machines, but rather a scientific proof of their impracticality. But champions of progress silenced the deniers with an irrefutable argument that many other things used to be impossible in the past - like spaceships, tractor beams, lightsabers, and medical marijuana - which are all realities today.

"Opponents of repeal have spread outrageous myths in order to derail it," stated Barbara Boxer (D-CA). Like many of her colleagues she believes that the interdiction was the result of a corporate conspiracy. Her calls for a special investigation seem to fall on willing ears of the president who famously stated during the year-long repeal campaign that "failing to legalize perpetual motion would devastate the US economy" and that "the opposition wants the country to fail."

But President Obama also stressed that his policies are open to honest debate, citing a recent disagreement with Vice President Joe Biden, who believed that the ban was caused by safety issues, since "once a perpetual motion machine starts running, how do you stop it?" The argument was settled with the help of a specially trained "science consultant" who explained to Biden the concept of a switch button and "I thought you was told to shut the f*ck up!"

Nobel Prize laureate and Oscar winning film maker Al Gore cheered the repeal, noting that "the science supporting perpetual motion is settled." Now that he no longer has to worry about his carbon footprint, he can also repeal the self-imposed restriction on nightly big steaks, frequent trips on his private jet, and leaving his 20-room mansion lit up all night long.

In spite of the evidence to the contrary, there still remain pockets of bitter scientists nationwide who, in the words of President Obama, "have been passed over for government research grants, and it's not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to outmoded dogmas that perpetual motion will not work, or antipathy toward alternative energy sources, or anti-utopian sentiment in general, as a way to explain their frustrations."

Channeling these age-old resentments, Republican critics are arguing that perpetual motion will require vast amounts of additional energy to keep the process moving, which would end up raising, rather than lowering energy bills. But President Obama eloquently defused this charge, stating that the deniers were "bearing false witness" against legalization and that "this will not raise anyone's energy bill one bit; in fact, you'll pay less for energy!"

Government-appointed officials at the leading auto companies, GM and Chrysler, welcomed the legalization of perpetual motion and vowed to start working on the new PM technology, calling on Congress to create a "Cash for Clunkers II" program which would pay motorists to trade in their combustion engine and hybrid autos for self-propelled perpetual motion vehicles. The initiative involves a government subsidy of a few hundred billion dollars to GM and Chrysler. Brokered by UAW officials, the deal promises to make the new technology extremely cost-effective and provide millions of jobs throughout the economy.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Congress would pass the measure as soon as it completes work on the Repeal of the Law of Gravity, a regulation which is said to be hindering the recovery in the airline industry as well as holding down the President's approval rating.

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Opinion polls indicate an overwhelming support of the action by the public at large. In a scientific survey of Democrats, Democrat-leaning independents, and nominal Republicans who vote Democratic, 71% of the respondents were in favor of perpetual motion, 15% said it was the work of Satan, and 14% said "what the hell does 'perpetual' mean?" When asked if they thought perpetual motion would help or hurt the economy, 75% said "help," 10% said "hurt," and 5% said "stop bothering me you a**hole." These results were consistent across all ages, races and demographic groups.

Internationally, response to the news was mixed.

The head of the Chinese Economic Ministry praised perpetual motion as "a beautiful idea into which America should invest a lot of money," but had to cut it short due to what appeared to be fits of uncontrollable giggles and face spasms. French President Sarkozy coolly admitted, "I don't care, I'm French." Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared perpetual motion "a Zionist conspiracy" and vowed to accelerate his country's nuclear program to counter the potential menace.

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Gravity, thermodynamics, conservation of motion, friction, and other meaningless concepts must be fought and destroyed! NOTHING must stand in the way of our glorious progressive world of Next Tuesday(TM).

Things like gravity and physics make me uncomfortable and feel bad. This is reason enough to renounce them.

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Colonel 7.62 wrote: Things like gravity and physics make me uncomfortable and feel bad. This is reason enough to renounce them.

Colonel, I am going to nominate you for next year's Nobel Peas Prize for your good intentions. You could possibly be joining an exclusive club populated by the GIANTS of our time.... President Barack Obama, Former President Jimmy Carter and Should-Have-Been President Al Gore. But don't feel too good about this, it may impair your case for winning.

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Let me join the chorus in rejecting objectivism and reality based thinking. Somewhere in the vastness of the universe there must be a free meal.

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1933: Saul Alinsky launches his perpetual Chicago community organizing machine which is active until this day.

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Has Party Central considered what happens to my shovel ready green job on the People's Bio-Beet Fuel Collective when People's Perpetual Power makes the beet obsolete?

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If you ask too many questions, comrade, you will be issued a perpetual motion shovel.

Digging from here to eternity.

Four legs good -- two legs bad *

Proletariat good -- Middle class bad

No-work/Make-work good -- Laborious creation of Profit bad

Socialist redistribution of property good -- Private property bad

Equal outcome good -- Equal rules bad

Utopia good -- Reality-based thinking bad

Perpetual motion good -- Tiresome "Old Science" bad

Current truth good -- Self-evident truth bad


* Hat-tip to Orwell

Equal outcome good #


# This should be understood as a rule for the masses - some exceptions apply

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The self-correcting voting machine will be the greatest boon to People's Democracy since ACORNs began falling out of trees. Now, Chicago municipal employees and other Party apparatchiks will no longer have to work their fingers to the bone trying to adjust the gears on mechanical machines to correct them! Now Florida and Minnesota vote tallyers will no longer have to stare crosseyed for hours at paper ballots trying to spot ballots intended for the Progressive candidate which were mismarked. Now, union volunteers in the People's Republic of New Jerky no longer need risk getting electrocuted looking for the missing electrons that represented votes for the Party but somehow got misrouted due to quantuum effects. Another great invention by Comrade Algore! I smell a Nobel Prize for Pseudo-Science coming on!

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This is just what the economy needs in order to trickle up.

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Someone posted a link to this story on Little Green Footballs. The words "perpetual motion machines" in the text were automatically underlined by a shopping software. I "mouseovered" it and was rewarded with the following Shopzilla pop-up that would lead us believe that perpetual motion machines are already for sale: Bargain Prices. Smart Deals. Save on Perpetual Motion Machine!

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Kapitalists are everywhere! They are soiling the tender and fragile hopes of the masses as soon as they get verbalized on the Net. Getting rid of them is apparently what the concept of Net Neutrality stands for. On the other hand, comrades, the capitalists will sell you the rope on which we will hang them.

Speaking of hope, I came across a great quote last night while reading a book. The author was talking about a correlation between avoiding the truth and relying on hope.

Ayn Rand wrote:"So long as you don't know [the truth], you are free to believe what you wish - and you experience a foggy, pleasant, but somehow guilty, kind of hope."

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Jeepers. Ayn Rand would say anything people wanted to hear.

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Let's hope Rethuglikans lift the ban on Rube-Goldberg devices and oscillation overthrusters next.

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Soon we will have the Most Equal of all perpetual motion machines: the Universal Healthcare Perpetual Motion Machine. It will run forever producing instant, un-rationed, top-quality medical care to everyone in the Collective without requiring any input of tax money!

The BusHitler knew of this machine, but since he is a Rethuglican and wants everyone to Die Quickly he had the plans hidden in the Trade towers and destroyed.

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I personally want a perpetual-motion sex machine. You don't have to buy anyone dinner, or gifts, or even talk nice. Just set it going and you're fine. You're off. To the races.

I mean one except Bill Clinton.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:I personally want a perpetual-motion sex machine. You don't have to buy anyone dinner, or gifts, or even talk nice. Just set it going and you're fine. You're off. To the races.

I mean one except Bill Clinton.

I couldn't find anything that would resemble Gawdafallo, sorry. Imagine a Janeanne life size spouting out a looping "Tea-Bagging Redneck" while you "do" her.

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A free upgrade? <i>A free upgrade</i>? Can we do that for presidents?

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:A free upgrade? <i>A free upgrade</i>? Can we do that for presidents?

You mean you want a life size Barry Doll? Or do you mean change the POTUS for a new one? Me, I want a life size Many Titted Empress doll. Perpetual Progressive Bliss, with that adorable cackle sound she makes.

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I want a presidential upgrade. I want a president who looks like a real president:
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Can you imagine Stalin bowing to the Shiite-head King of Saudi Arabia? I can't. Why, I can't even imagine the dreaded Bu$hitler bowing to the Shiite-head King of Saudi Arabia.

I'm afraid that you'll have to wait though for the life-sized Many Titted Empress dolls. All that can be made are destined to be placed in the Mediterranean to block the sea to keep Venice from being flooded. Now that's only five or at most six MTE dolls, but do you know just how much latex her ginormous thighs take?

Just one of her thighs takes all the petroleum of two West Texas counties for a decade.

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:I want a presidential upgrade. I want a president who looks like a real president:
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Absolutely Brilliant Commissar Theocritus! The first Perpetual President, no term limits, or at the very least, drive an ice axe in your adversary's skull to maintain your power.

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Yes, I like the ice axe. And I also like baking Trotsky's remains into cookies. As was reported on this site earlier on.

But I have a better usage for Our Many Titted Empress than Secretary of State. She went to Moscow and was stiffed, as was Obamissumus.

We all know that our friends, idols and colleagues in Iran and North Korea and China have no use for our dear MTE--so she could be used to ensure our Obamissimo's Perpetual Power.

A Roman who earned a triumph rode into Rome on a chariot, with a slave behind him murmuring "<i>Sic transit gloria mundi</i>". Indeed for the Romans the glory of the world did go. But Keith Olberfhurer would be the slave in the Imperial (isn't a shame that Chrysler no longer makes them?) limo, who will murmur on Obamissimo's jug ear, "<i>Maximus est. Optimus est. Merda tua non putet</i>"*

So that he will never feel bad if something like <i>this</i> happens again.
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And any enemy of Obamissimo's never will be able to worry him for our Many Titted Empress will be dispatched from Tehran or other foreign places which contemn her to spend her time screeching at law-abiding tea party goers as they in an orderly fashion demonstrate, quite foolishly, for their property and liberties.

After all, we're all Made Progs here, and we never say boo to a goose because the goose might flap its wings at us, and then we'd shit our pants. But we will mug orderly middle-class, tax-paying, normal people who have the effrontery to resent the destruction of this horrible imperialist AmeriKKKa, which needs nothing so much as a makeover into the People's Republic of the United States.

*"You're the biggest. You're the best. Your shit don't stink."

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Commissar Theocritus wrote: So that he will never feel bad if something like <i>this</i> happens again.


Doesn't Dear Leader know proper Russian Social Etiquette, those Russian leaders were expecting a fist bump, a high five, then a slap on the ass. How uncouth DL.

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Perhaps they were merely stunned by the offer of His touch. It might bring on changes that they wouldn't like. The divine touch is a two-edged sword. This reminds me of a story that I heard:

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of ice tea?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" Once more the waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of tea. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, for your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, praised him and run out the door..

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me, I'm collecting disability."

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Castrate, I went back and looked at your love-doll website and noticed that you can order the doll with either a built-in pecker or one that plugs in. And in various sizes.

I must denounce you for recommending a doll which comes with an option for a small pecker. And the ass is optional.

Every good progressive that I know is a huge prick <i>and</i> and asshole.

What were you thinking?

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Commissar Theocritus wrote:Castrate, I went back and looked at your love-doll website and noticed that you can order the doll with either a built-in pecker or one that plugs in. And in various sizes.

I must denounce you for recommending a doll which comes with an option for a small pecker. And the ass is optional.

Every good progressive that I know is a huge prick <i>and</i> and asshole.

What were you thinking?

Well, actually those were used models, trade-ins from the govt. stimulus plan ... Cash For Peckers. There were a few Bill Clinton attachments, curved sharply to the left, but those were real popular with progressives, and sold as fast as they came.

The new models are equalitarian versions.

You get equally screwed, have equal pricks and assholes, and guaranteed equality of results. And of course all models are reversable to female for switch hitters. In this respect the new models are truly perpetual.

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Red Square saved The Revolution by inventing The People's Cube, but I, Al Gore, have saved Mother Earth by inventing The Gorbel's Cube as a Green Perpetual Motion Machine.
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The Gorbel's Math and Science are beyond dispute: 6 billion proles generating heat energy with low-CO-2 emissions while perpetually operating the Green Gorbel's Cube Perpetual Motion Machine will yield 100 Trillion Gazillion Mega-Joules of energy.

How does it work? Multiple electrodes are attached to the skin of each prole. Chemical/heat reactons when the sweat generated by the prole's work trying to solve The Gorbel's Cube touches the electrodes will generate electricity, which will be stored in batteries in stylish hand-cuffs to be worn by proles while "operating" the Green Gorbel's Cube Perpetual Motion Machine.

This invention has the added advantage of keeping potentially wayward proles too busy to engage in socially-destructive behavior such as attending 9-12 rallies, Tea-Party Rallies, or Town Halls. There are only two drawbacks: Among proles, there will be a "hockey stick" spike in Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome and in Hemorrhoid Syndrome (also known as Crapping Tunnel Syndrome). But the increase in carpal-tunnel syndrome will have the added beneficial effect of crippling trigger-fingers of wayward proles who may have forgotten to destroy the firearms they may have owned before their re-education became complete. And, amendments to ObamaCare will solve the hemorrhoid problems by requiring all proles to take regular preventive measures by periodically undergoing Remedial Health Care Procedures promulgated for all ObamaCare-Approved Physicians by the new ObamaCare Surgeon General, Dr. Jack Ass. Those procedures will involve the ObamaCare Approved Physician placing a bar of soap on the floor and requiring the proles to bend over and pick it up while an ObamaCare Medical Assistant applies the Standard ObamaCare Rectal Treatment. This has the added benefit of boosting the sales of soap.

As usual, however, Party Leaders need not worry about getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or Crapping Tunnel Syndrome because they will be serving the Greater Good by using all the excess energy generated by the 6 billion proles.

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I saw a documentary on the BBC last night of the Holy Gore operating the green Gorbel's Cube with his feet. It was most impressive. He was trying to teach Our Many Titted Empress how to do it with her feet, but since she has trotters it didn't come off well. In fact she squashed five in a row until in frustration she rammed her tusks into a wall.

He then tried to teach Nansky Peloski how to operate it with her feet, and was more successful since she has talons like a vulture. They scarred it horribly, and she had to pick out bits of fur and blood with her beak before she could properly operate the Cube, but after she got the hang of it she was so delighted that she took wing and soared above the camera, vomiting undigested bone and fur of animals, clutching the Cube in her talons.

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Gorbels Cube wrote:But the increase in carpal-tunnel syndrome will have the added beneficial effect of crippling trigger-fingers of wayward proles who may have forgotten to destroy the firearms they may have owned before their re-education became complete.

Proles still in possession of firearms!?!?! I could have sworn I took care of that with my warrant-less door-to-door searches that were illegal and unconstitutional necessary for the Common Goodtm.

Perhaps these enemies of the People are the hated Oath KKKeepers, a Constitution-upholding group paranoid hate-mongering Nazi fascist white-supremacist terrorism cult. No matter, your idea of crippling trigger fingers is GENIUS! Not that everything we all think all the time isn't genius (I don't want to make anyone feel less equal). But maybe now the taloned-Peloski will add a bill to the Universal Healthcare Perpetual Motion Machine bill that removes the trigger fingers from all babies unfortunate enough to not be aborted.

Remember the old saying comrades, "Guns don't kill people; conservative white people kill people with guns."

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Czar wrote:Remember the old saying comrades, "Guns don't kill people; conservative white people kill people with guns."
Yes, indeed. It is imperative that conservative white people be disarmed so that they cannot fight back.

Thirty-one laws were broken in Columbine. A 32nd law would surely have stopped that shooting.

When I was growing up in red state Texas (spit, spit), all the boys brought guns to school and in their cars and trucks. And no one ever was shot. I'm so glad that we never had anyone try to shoot up the school. Some of those horrible rednecks might actually have wounded the freedom fighter.

[ off ]I believe in the Law School of the Appalachians the students were armed. Three people were killed but the shooter was disarmed by students who had firearms in their vehicles. [ on ]
We cannot allow the citizenry to be armed. Because then they might fight back.

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Good Comrades, I have returned with news of progress on the Bel0ved Leader's Energy Initiatives, only to discover that the Current Truth™ has altered once again. Since leaving my position as Commissar at the William Jefferson Clinton Memorial People's Reeducation Center and Uranium Mine, I have been working on a new project. The Party has placed me in charge of Labor Relations at the as yet unnamed facility designed to capture, process and store the ultimate Clean and Green™ fuel source...

Unicorn Farts!

Although nearly $600 Billion in Free Government Money™ has been invested and the facility nearly complete (being that it was a Shovel Ready Project™), it appears that with the coming of Free Government Perpetual Motion™, it will no longer be needed. *SIGH* Well, no need to feel sentimental. Everything Within The State, Nothing Outside The State and all that stuff. Fortunately, it should only cost another $600 to $800 Billion in Free Government Money™ to "disappear" the facility and restore it to a pristine state. Then, the part I enjoy most, liquidating uh, reassigning the work force.

It's not that I mind, for I am a tireless servant of The Bel0ved Leader and The State but I do miss my old "digs" at WJCMPRC&UM. There I had high speed internet access, cable TV and plenty of Party Approved Pr0n™ in addition to a generous booze allowance. At "Project Unicorn", there's limited cable TV, little person computer/internet access and few comforts of civilization. Although the alcohol ration is much more generous, it's almost entirely vodka. The pr0n stash is limited to a grainy bootleg of Girls Gone Wild: Protest Rally Edition and some crap somebody got from 4chan. Ah, the work of a True Progressive™ is never done.

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My uncle knew a man who made a perpetual motion machine in his garage and Dick Cheney bought it and destroyed it.

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Margaret wrote:Jeepers. Ayn Rand would say anything people wanted to hear.

Margaret - do you by any chance write under the pen name Adam Kirsch? Because this is exactly the point of his/her/its book review in yesterday's New York Times. He/she/it knows exactly what he/she/it is talking about. If the Tea Party protesters are carrying slogans "Ayn Rand was right," it means she must be destroyed and her character assassinated again and again and again. It's for the Common Good(TM) and for the Children(TM).

Ayn Rand's Revenge

Adam Kirsch in NYT wrote:Rand's particular intellectual contribution, the thing that makes her so popular and so American, is the way she managed to mass market elitism — to convince so many people, especially young people, that they could be geniuses without being in any concrete way distinguished. Or, rather, that they could distinguish themselves by the ardor of their commitment to Rand's teaching. The very form of her novels makes the same point: they are as cartoonish and sexed-up as any best seller, yet they are constantly suggesting that the reader who appreciates them is one of the elect.

See? She's so uber-American because she is so vapid and at the same time is capable of marketing this vapidness by making it look attractive to the unsuspected young skulls full of mush.

Only I don't understand what Adam Kirsch has against elitism. As we know, elitism is the best friend of progressive radicalism, the endless source of funding, and the future model of the Utopian society we are currently building.
<br>Let me quote another authorwho sometimes appears on The People's Cube:

O.A. wrote:Short of stating it explicitly, elitism implies that "the masses" are mindless, spiritless creatures without free will, always in need of the largess of the state, and for their own good the state ought to nationalize the country's resources in order to feed its subjects.

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There is a reason why snobby elites on the Upper West Side of Manhattan generously donate to leftist causes and support leftist politicians. Snobs and radicals often act in accord because they are not opposites, as some believe, but rather spiritual cousins - equally despising "the bourgeois," sharing a low view of humanity as herd animals, and sorting people not on their individual merits but by color, income, occupation, ethnicity, gender, and any other characteristic except the content of their minds. Such beliefs have often served as a veiled excuse for tyranny.

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[ off ]I really wonder if these elitists snobs know anything about their servants' lives. I suspect that, to them, the people who make their lives interesting are interchangeable. I bet they're the sort who go ape-shit if the maid places the cheese-grater in the wrong drawer when anyone knows that if the cheese-grater is reliably placed in the same wrong drawer, that's where the cheese-grater lives.

Nansky Peloski is a rich bitch used to ordering servants around, and she now has 307,000,000 of them. That's the key to the woman.

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[prog off]
Don't tell her she's only got ~300 million of them. Remember when she thought 500 million Americans were going to lose their jobs every month unless she did something? She probably thinks her prole-slaves are limitless, the way tax money is, and gov't power should be!
[prog on]
Cheese-graters are racist.

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PDC! Report to Jiffi-Lobo if you think that Cheese Graters are racist! I'll have you know that both Our Many Titted Empress and Miss Resentment, the Lordly Michelle, use Cheese Grates on their feet. In fact our MTE uses a Cheese Grater on her legs too, to smooth out that stippled look.


 
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