Image

China Says U.S. Too Big To Fail, Offers Obama Bailout

User avatar
Image
During the recent meeting with President Obama, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao minced no words when he stated that "immediate action is necessary to keep a once prosperous nation" from falling flat on its face.

"If the U.S.economy collapses, so will China because we are so heavily invested in your country," said Wen Jiabao. "We thought we were investing in a nation of the world's greatest entrepreneurs, but a recent analysis shows that America has become little more than a home to overpaid union workers, whiney media, and spoiled welfare recipients. Our fears were confirmed last year when Americans elected you, Mr. Obama, as their president. But, to use one of your own expressions, America is too big to fail and so we will have to bail you out. This is no longer your decision. As your biggest creditor, we will now decide how to get the best return on our investment. You got elected on a vague promise of change; now we're giving you the specifics."

Mr. Obama was then given the following list of changes designed to fix America:

  1. Replace all regulatory czars with one mandarin of deregulation.
  2. Build the Great Wall on the Mexican border; it will employ at least 10 million people.
  3. Send 4.5 million troops to Afghanistan with a two-week victory plan.
  4. Crush the pesky Islamic extremists with a single wave of soldiers from Pakistan to Morocco. There will be no detainees. All suspects will be executed on the spot.
  5. Unilaterally institute a pro-American foreign policy. Make your national self-interest a priority, for crying out loud.
  6. Cancel all foreign aid. Retrain ACORN employees as small business instructors and ship them to third world countries with one-way tickets. Let them earn their keep by promoting the private sector and developing consumer markets for American products.
  7. Sell off Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac to the highest bidder with a special "buy one, get one free" incentive. Eliminate subprime mortgage programs.
  8. Begin immediate drilling for oil in ANWR, complete with a caribou meatpacking plant to feed the arriving workers.
  9. Disband EPA. Drop restrictions on energy and coal mining. If you want cleaner air, build nuclear plants.
  10. Remove "endangered species protections" from animals and give them to producers of American wealth.
  11. China will take title to all national parks and develop them into industrial and housing projects. Grizzly bears make tasty char siu and pandas attract more paying visitors anyway.
  12. Cut taxes and eliminate government programs including welfare and food stamps. Those willing to eat must wash dishes at Pei Wei Asian Diners and stuff fortune cookies with quotes by Friedrich Hayek, Ayn Rand, and Milton Friedman.
  13. Shut down public schools; that should double the national IQ within six months. Sell the buildings to private schools that teach strong work and study ethics. If you want your children to build self-esteem, convert the Department of Education into a Ping Pong Palace.
  14. Ensure a young and vibrant workforce by strengthening marriages with a minimum two-child policy.
  15. Purge Hollywood using Tiananmen Square tactics if necessary.
  16. Return decency, moral standards, and patriotism to American movies with a strict motion picture production code. That will boost national morale and optimism better than the daily lecturing on TV by a wussy president and his embarrassing sycophants.
  17. Repeal minimum wage, ban strikes, and dissolve labor unions. Reboot Detroit auto factories and Pittsburgh steel mills.
  18. Stop subsidizing industrial and agricultural concerns, ethanol plants, and wind farms. If they can't stand on their own, let them fall and give way to those that can.
  19. Mandate all public officials to use public transportation and public health care. Cap their salaries until the economy in their districts fully recovers.
  20. Oust the defunct Castro regime. Expand the Guantanamo base to the rest of Cuba and change its name to Gitmo Island. Reuse Castro's network of political prisons to house opponents of this recovery plan.
  21. Resettle those Americans who advocate green collective lifestyle to Cuban tobacco plantations with no electricity and polluting farm equipment, where they will toil the rest of their days in fields fertilized by own excrement.
  22. In case of emergency China reserves the right to demote Mr. Obama to a White House greeter and give his current position to Jerry Yang or a similarly adept business executive.

In conclusion, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao assured President Obama that "failure is an option." If the United States doesn't regain its former status of a self-sustaining and productive nation by 2012, it will become property of the Chinese government and open for a full-scale colonization under the name of New Taipei. "This is the kind of change we're talking about!" said Wen Jiabao, paraphrasing Mr. Obama's most successful campaign slogan.

Image
Image
_____________________________
This satire was written using ideas from several People's Cube contributors.
It was published in Pajamas Media on 12/15/2009 but I delayed posting it here until after Christmas

User avatar
Ah so, it IS true after all; the communists DO have all the good ideas.

User avatar
B-b-but Comrade Red Square, u-u-under these conditions, I would have to go out a-a-and g-g-get a (shudder) j-j-j-j-uh-employment!

User avatar
Yes, Great Stalin's Ghost, what a horror. And to think of how close we are getting, now, to establishing a glorious progressive system, only to be facing the possibility that it will all be snatched away from us. I blame Nixon for all of this. If he had never traveled to China, this would have never happened. He started it all. Yes, of course, we can continue to blame Bush for everything else, but for this, the blame falls squarely on Nixon's shoulders. These Rethuglicans ruin everything.

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Sell off Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac to the highest bidder with a special "buy one, get one free" incentive. Eliminate subprime mortgage programs.

I'll go $1.37 ... no higher.

User avatar
Does this mean that the Obama officials will have to, and I hate to say this, <i>pay their income taxes</i>? I recall when Linda Chavez was thought to have a nanny problem but didn't. Now we have Obama people who are blatantly cheating on taxes.

And why shouldn't they? They're progressives, after all.

Why are we listening to the Chinese? Just because they know a thing or two about totalitarianism doesn't mean that we should listen to them.

Isn't the point of the Obowma administration the destruction of AmeriKKKa? That's where I came in? And Nanski tells me that she won't rest as long as there are people in the world who don't hate AmeriKKKa as much as she does.

User avatar
Red Square wrote:Resettle those Americans who advocate green collective lifestyle to Cuban tobacco plantations with no electricity and polluting farm equipment, where they will toil the rest of their days in fields fertilized by own excrement.

This is going to put a damper on the Soylent Green plants we had planned for Kalifornia.
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

User avatar
While the "idea" of jobs for the workers sounds appealing, I don't think we ever intended to actually deliver on that vague promise.

And what is to become of us? In a prosperous, productive economy, who's going to need internet community organizers, provocateurs and agitators?

I don't know about the rest of you but I'm getting too old to get a "real" job. I'd have to learn a trade. Sorry, I have too much invested in being a mealy-mouth malcontent.

User avatar
Stop subsidizing industrial and agricultural concerns, ethanol plants,and wind farms. If they can't stand on their own, let them fall andgive way to those that can.

Hey, I got an idea man, why do (hhhoooo) n't we (hick) use all that (burp) grain to make more of that delishhh (urp) ish vodka?

User avatar
When fate hands Obama a lemonade he'll figure out a way to make lemons out of it.

User avatar
What kind of China has it become?! I thought it was America who invaded China and injected its KKKapitalistic ideas into it. On that note, shouldn't China be the one to put its communist ideas into America?

I demand answers! What has our society become when we lose China?

User avatar
Whoopie wrote:Sorry, I have too much invested in being a mealy-mouth malcontent.
Me too. I quit thinking once I got a degree. Isn't that what it's for?

After all, once you pass some sort of entrance exam--union membership, election to Congress, a degree--that means that you are absolved. You never have to prove anything again, ever, because you've bought into the system.

As a Made Progressive I believe in life tenure. Once I get it I am no longer responsible. That's the best positive right that I know.


I see Red Square continues to illustrate our fate with his Famous Fist,

A-Mob-Activated-By-Oshit*
(AMABO)
(Either direction spells slavery)

*Oshit, last word on recovered tape recorder

It Began with the Trillionization of Debt
Followed by the Zimbabweazation of the Dollar
Leading to the Mother of all financial Crises
Resulting in the Stalinakranian Choice:
Send your sons and their sons to our factories, and
Send your daughters and their daughters to our entertainment houses
or else Redeem all your Bonds held by China, with pure Gold
Which means you will have to begin living within your means and start saving
Just like when you were Pioneers

User avatar
Citizens

When those Red Chinese Commies learn to turn a buck on abortions like Planned Parenthood, then those Capitalist wannabes can get back to us on how to run an economy!

Publius

User avatar
Why do we not do what the French do, and make cosmetics from aborted fetuses?

Everybody is happy.

User avatar
Everything must be recycled, all the way up to Barbara Boxer's hubris.

And, here is one more thing the Chinese ought to do:

Round up all the rats in New York to feed the homeless.

User avatar
This is all the fault of that Capitalist War Pig "Dick"Nixon who opeened the door to the once glorious Red China and exposed it to the corruption and degradation of Capitalist markets.
Now Chinese who once starved in solidarity with Communist brothers are engaged in, forgive me for uttering such filth on glorious Prigressice site such as this, "profit activities" and ammassinbg personal wealth!
A Commrade recentlt visited Beijing and reported thousands who once rode peoples bicycles now drive BMWs and Audis!
Surely Great Leader Mao is spinning in his grave at such counyer revolutionary actions!

User avatar
Just a thought?
Posted this project a while back. It's shovel ready in the extreme and when complete will provide millions of green jobs pulling cargo along the canals. I think it would compliment the new Great Wall nicely.

The Obacanal Project


Image

User avatar
Commissar Theocritus wrote:Why are we listening to the Chinese? Just because they know a thing or two about totalitarianism doesn't mean that we should listen to them.

Isn't the point of the Obowma administration the destruction of AmeriKKKa? That's where I came in? And Nanski tells me that she won't rest as long as there are people in the world who don't hate AmeriKKKa as much as she does.

My dear Commissar, you missed the point entirely, perhaps Bruno's constant jabbering is beginning to dull your intellect. China wrote THE BOOK on totalitarian enlightenment. I am afraid that in comparison Nansky and Barry's Most Excellent Adventure is at best a form of Socialism Lite...less inspiring, tastes like industrial sewage, leaving Amerika poorer and more flatulent than before, with a hell of a headache. Of course, any lessening is a better result than a re-emergence as a self-confident power on the world stage, but come on. We deserve better than this!

Komrade Krinkov is right, Mao is counter-revolving in his crypt at record speed over this.

By the way, I wonder if Caribou are tasty? May I humbly suggest that if no Commissar's sphere of corruption service oversees the operation of the ANWR Caribou packing plant, perhaps I should offer my expertise. For the Common GoodTM, of course.

User avatar
Grigori E.R. wrote:Just a thought?
Posted this project a while back. It's shovel ready in the extreme and when complete will provide millions of green jobs pulling cargo along the canals. I think it would compliment the new Great Wall nicely.

Comrade,

I hope you don't mind, but your project has been confiscated and revamped for greener centralized efficiency.

Image

User avatar
Hey, wait a minute? My buddy Wen Jiabao from next door is going to rend assistance to the white devirs in Amerika but not rend me a few birrion tons of rice? What wrong with this picture?

I going to terr him to see-pol, nome because he a big, fat gae sae kee!

My ji-ji is bigger than his. We wirr see who's got the biggest barrs around here.

(dialing rotary-dial phone) "Herro? Is Rieutenant Park there? Werr, go over to Peopre's Rest & Reraxation Centre and purr him off that whore he rikes so much!

(tapping fingers impatiently) "Park! I want you to go to Grorious Peopre's Frowering Of A Thousand Suns Miritary Speciar Weapons Magazine Number Four and purr out Speciar Weapon code-named Get Attention Of Western Powers #2 and wheer it over to the Grorious Future Proving Ground and....

"Don't question me, you insorent puppy! I give the orders around here! Any more backtark and I have your entire famiry shot. What's that? I arready shot them rast year? Werr, I have your favorite whore shot if you don't risten to me!"

"That's better. Now, make sure you use an extra rong fuse when you set off speciar weapon. How rong? I don't know! That's your job! Jesus Christ, I gotta do everything around here? Just make it rong enough that when you run rike herr you be outta the brast radius and upwind of the cobart farrout. Yes, yes, I'm grad too that the wind is browing towards China. Teach that Jiabao sonofabitch to upstage me! Ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ha-ha!"

Stand by for Big Frash(tm)!

Happy New Year,

Kim Jong Irrin'

User avatar
Comrades,

If the Chinese Communist Party says it, so it must be! Pish to those reactionaries who scoff that China is actually an economic paper tiger.

User avatar
General Mousey-Tongue,

Please know that Bruno's jabbering, although intensely irritating, has not dulled my intellect. I know that the Chinese wrote the book on totalitarianism but I think that with Nanski et al we have a chance to redefine it with American efficiency. The Brits, the ones who are not jealous, talk about American efficiency. Why should we not be more efficient than the Chinese about totalitarianism? Just look at our Useful Idiots. Howard Zinn, Mark Morford, the Mime, and my favorite, Jodin Morey. Ah, dear Jodin. A fool for every season.

We have Obowma. A man who bows to foreign leaders and pisses on Americans and American values. We will enter a new age when the American experiment of human rights is discarded for the whims of things like that Peloski.

User avatar
If the Chinese take over, does this mean there will be Chinese restaurants on every block in America, instead of every other block?

There are more Chinese restaurants in America right now than any other kind, don't you know.

Hmm, I wonder what rat tastes like. And will Steinway pianos become Steinwang Pianos? So many possibilities.

User avatar
Perhaps instead of a cookie with your Starbucks Coffee you can have a fried rat on a stick. I hope that Pupovich doesn't notice that I'm suggesting this; he'd want a cut of it.

Fried rat on a stick with hollandaise. Fried rat on a stick with mignonette sauce. That raspberry vinegar and shallot sauce is perfect with fried rat.

Fried rat on a stick with tartar sauce, and if the rat is getting a bit long in the tooth--well all rats are a bit long in the tooth; have you seen Rahm Emanuel's choppers?--fried rat with cocktail sauce.

Enough horseradish can drown the taste of even a first-rate rat like Emanuel.

But for Axelrod it takes horseradish, chinese mustard, and tabasco in a base of motor oil.

User avatar
Yes, the horseradish, chinese mustard, and tabasco in a base of motor oil would smother the smell and taste, but that hard rubbery texture, you would need, first to beat it will a mallet. Oh, no, wait a minute. If you did that the dark ooze of lies, deception, and acrid smell of hypocrisy would splatter all over.

User avatar
But you'd feel right at home with other progressives, wouldn't you?

Can you imagine chewing on the haunch of Barbara Mikulski? I bet Harry Reid is tough as shoe leather.

After all, if you've made your home in the sewer, the smell of fresh mountain air would be cloying, wouldn't it?

User avatar
That depends on the definition of who you is. If you are referring to you as in me, then, of course, I would feel at home with most progressives. However, as a black woman with no detectable Negro dialect in my speech, then I would make an exception for Barbara Boxer, in that as she saw fit to repeatedly call a black man "Sir," she might "Ma'am" me ad nauseum. If, on the other hand, by you, you mean you, yourself, well, then, I can't speak for you, you know.

User avatar
How odd that you should bring up Babs Boxer. I recall well that she read a general or admiral for calling her "Ma'am." She wanted to be called Senator.

I think that we ought to be as equal as possible, except for some who are more equal than others, and I'm looking at you Leninka, and me. We're very equal.

So let us call everyone Senator. Not sir or ma'am but Senator.

On the law of averages I think that we'd have a better quality of people.

User avatar
Why that's very senatorial of you, Comrade Theocritus. Yes, there's Senator Red Square, Senator Pinkie, Senator Bruno, Senator Leninka, the possibilities are endless.

User avatar
And the final and very equal senator would be Senator Bruno.

He would be a light in the Senator chamber. Can you imagine him singing "Tico, Tico" in the Senate well? It would be the most sensible performance there in years.

Stupid Amerikkans working for China.

https://www.aolnews.com/world/article/u ... latestnews

Why not working for me, the great Leader? I will pay way more and you won't get caught, because I have invented the invisible cell phone for communication that FBI can never find!

https://iamkoream.com/kim-jong-il-inven ... ell-phone/

User avatar
Hey Comrade Kim,

Do you have a contract with the Treasury to print the Billion dollars, or is that free enterprise on your part? Is this not a punishable offense? Are you not legally liable?I forgot, you write the laws, so most likely not.

Has this effort been subcontracted from the Chinese?

Just judging from appearances, you lack the intelligence, the skill, or the height to pull this off.


 
POST REPLY