Abu Ayyub al-Masri
Three days after a midterm election that put Democrats in charge of Capitol Hill, a tone of conciliation continued as Abu Ayyub al-Masri, commander of al-Qaeda in Iraq, welcomed Democratic leaders for lunch, saying he looked forward to working with them in a bipartisan way on issues they have in common. Noting that al-Masri and Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid have similar views about Bush, the al-Qaeda leader commented, "We tend to speak the same language." Harry Reid of Nevada agreed: "We will not rest until we crush Bush and his cronies through a constructive, bipartisan jihad."
Sen. Richard Durbin (D-Ill.): "By voting for us, the American people have spoken out for a fair representation of al-Qaeda views in the US government."
Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV): "We want to govern from the center, and I believe al-Qaeda must be factored into the calculation of where the center is."
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA): "We've made history. Now we have to make progress. And I am willing to work with whoever it takes to do just that."
"Just like the Democrats in the US, al-Qaeda was marginalized and angry because we had been disenfranchised by the Bush gang."
Osama bin Laden:
"The lack of reaching out from the White House made us feel rejected. Now that we have jointly defeated the Western imperialistic crusaders, we are ready for a constructive dialogue, in a civil and bipartisan fashion, between the Democratic Party leaders and al-Qaeda."
The day's events sealed a change that began Tuesday, when voters turned out to express media-fueled anger over the illegal war for oil and allegations of rampant homosexuality and pedophilia in the Republican-controlled Congress. It also opened a new era of divided government, with Republicans in the control of the executive branch, and al-Qaeda in the control of legislative - an alignment that historically has frustrated both.
Democratic leaders were optimistic about working with al-Qaeda, discussing common goals and opportunities for compromise, which include stopping Bush's warrantless domestic eavesdropping program, withdrawing troops from Iraq, and an immigration overhaul that would give several hundred al-Qaeda members a path to US citizenship with guaranteed minimum wage, expanded health care, and college access.
The al-Qaeda leader warned that Bush would be well-advised to confer with him next year about any judicial nominees, including future Supreme Court vacancies, or risk rejection. "Don't send us extreme candidates," al-Masri told Sen. Richard Durbin, who is the party's second-ranking Senate leader. Al-Masri also promised he will listen to all suggestions on Iraq, except for those that involve keeping American troops a moment longer, and expects Democrats to reject war-on-terror tools proposed by the lame-duck President.
In return, al-Qaeda leader promised that right after he beheads the current Iraqi government, his first decisions as a new ruler of Iraq would be to fund embryonic stem cell research, negotiate lower drug prices for seniors, expand Union benefits, enforce a rigorous recycling program, increase production of alternative energy, and impose a cap on industrial carbon dioxide emissions.
The leaders of the two parties expressed confidence in mutually beneficial cooperation, even as they acknowledged some ideological differences - on the one side it's abortions, gay marriage, and ban on religious expression, - and on the other side it's stoning of rape victims, beheading of infidels, and imposing Sharia law worldwide (including San Francisco).
"Some challenges still remain," al-Masri said as he concluded the meeting. "A new direction for America requires that we address those challenges constructively, by working together in the House and Senate committees on the Judiciary, Appropriations, and Foreign Relations. From the top of my head I can name such realistic compromise legislations as affirmative immigration, partial gay abortions, weaponized stem cells, lowering the minimum stoning age, and eliminating the need for parental consent to rape underage victims. I'm just throwing these in to give you an idea of what lies ahead. The next step, of course, will be changing the American Constitution, which is a living, breathing document in need of adjustment to the needs and grievances of the growing community of Islam."
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who watched the meeting through a keyhole from the women's section of the house, later stated: "We've made history. Now we have to make progress. And I am willing to work with whoever it takes to do just that."
Permission has not been given to publicize differences between the Party and its allies. A forum for the correct dispersement of Party-approved platforms will be held at Dzerzhinsky Square, cell block B, ask for Comrade Lavrenty Beria Jr.
OK everyone, gather round for the group picture, on the count of three I want everyone to say appeasement... ready?