After nearly 5,000 hate-night broadcasts, Quagmire "ODB" Letterman remains one of the sickest and unfunniest dirty old men in the history of conservative-bashing on television.
...
In an effort to repair the damage inflicted by George W. Bush's presidency, Barack Obama extended a gesture of goodwill and understanding to the victimized community of man-made disaster operators by promising them Miranda rights, wishing them luck in future undertakings, and advising them to abstain from earning money in the private sector.
Apologizing for the fact that the existing Miranda warning is unfairly slanted towards US citizens, Obama unveiled an improved international Miranda version, drafted by a team of ACLU experts.
The cast of Obama Czars hit the dance floor on the new show with the highly anticipated season premiere of Dancing with the Czars .
You will be introduced to twelve Czars, who hold varying positions of power within the administration. The great thing about them is that Czars operate with impunity and are "under the radar" when it comes to making policy. They are accountable to no one except the President and, oh man, can they dance.
In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter. Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the president's teleprompter, bound and blindfolded but unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood behind it, quoting from the Qur'an. The content of their demands is not being released.
President Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well..."
A recent discussion on the People's Blog prompted us to create a new line of People's Products under the title "Che Heart Plus." The thinking behind it is that if we combine the most popular T-Shirt designs into one, we must surely come up with an ultimate, most popular design that will guarantee us a timeless commercial success for the Common Good.
The idea is similar to the People's Cube FAQ, that is, if you combine all the FAQs that exist in the world in different languages, put them into a gigantic computer database financed by non-political charities sponsored by George Soros, and rearrange the questions in the order of priority, the list of world's most important FAQ must begin with "How to fight capitalism with Global Warming?"
As seen on Pajamas Media: The People's Cube takes a look back at great compromises of ideals and principles throughout history.
As all principled Democrats are pounding their uncompromising collective fist on the GOP's big tent, demanding that conservatives compromise their principles, and even Colin Powell has joined their unanimous opinion about the glaring lack of diverse opinions among Republicans, conservatives are clearly left with no other choice than to move their big tent down from the moral high ground to where the progressive majority is, so it can be better monitored by the media and have easy access for morally disabled persons with diverse opinions.
We don't always agree with Michael Savage, but yesterday we learned that the San Francisco-based radio talk-show host was barred from entering Great Britain because of his opinions. Tonight our reader Jill emailed us with this I-am-Spartacus-type answer to the British Home Office, which is responsible for the ban:
Dear People's Cube,
I've sent the following to the Home Office. You are welcomed to email them as well, and turn yourselves in for thought crimes. It's the right thing to do if you are guilty, which I'm certain you are.
Obama's plane scares Little Eichmanns out of their offices.
For too long have Americans scorned and disparaged the government - and now it's the government's time to fight back.
Belittled by America's arrogant self-reliance, individualism, and competitiveness, the government has finally organized and launched a fierce counterattack against American citizens by increasing their taxes, destroying their wealth, restricting their economic freedoms, controlling their guns, indoctrinating their children, and limiting their free speech.
This was written when I still lived in Ukraine in the early 1990s. It was intended to be a chapter in a fact-based novel, as yet unpublished. Although the Communist Party had been officially disbanded, it still maintained a firm grip on the country, using every means of manipulation available. Proponents of leftist ideologies around the world share one common trait: they always demand to be included, but once you let them in, they force everybody else out, while refusing to leave themselves.
A symbol of suffering and sacrifice for The Greater Good™. Used in hard labor therapy or in self-criticism sessions to redeem potential thought crimes. Every citizen must keep his or her shovel in good repair at all times and bring it to the railroad station if called to duty by the Commissar. The shovel is an important part of Earth Day festival, or Sacrificial Earth Shoveling Day, celebrating the death and rebirth of Great Lenin.
While some of today's comparisons between Obama and communist dictators may go over the top, the general direction of such thinking is not without merit: since they share a utopian goal of forced equality, it's logical to expect that their methods may also converge at some point. To wit, recent actions from Obama reminded me of a ploy Stalin used on Western entrepreneurs, which in itself is an illustrative morality play contrasting the differences between socialism and capitalism.
"My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks," Barack Obama told the CEOs of the world's most powerful financial institutions on March 27, when they cited competition for talent in an international market as justification for paying higher salaries to their employees.
Men ride unicorns, women ride dolphins. Everybody knows that. What we didn't know was that unicorns could also apply massage oils on their riders at the beach as they drink piña colada, or that dolphins could join Code Pink, cover their private parts with Obama logo, and wear S&M gear.
This discussion started as an auxiliary tunnel on another thread dedicated to Zen and the Art of Shovel Maintenance, but the Party is convinced that it deserves to be dug as a glorious separate tunnel. Sharpen your shovels, comrades!
Now that the properly conditioned guilt-ridden voters have elected the first Certified-Oppressed-Minority™ president, America has officially entered a new Guilted Age. The Guilted Age is similar to the Gilded Age, only instead of being motivated by the acquisition of gold, the nation is motivated by the distribution of Guilt™.
A guilty electorate is a less demanding electorate: beggars are not choosers. Collective remorse makes the masses more malleable. Workers toil harder for less pay and donate surpluses to progressive causes within the hope that it would offset their culpability for having the wrong color, ethnicity, religion, zip code, profession, hobbies, vehicles, grocery bags, communing and shopping patterns, taste in food, living standard higher than in Zimbabwe, and exhaling the CO2 while breathing.
David Frum, ruler and protector of conservative netherworld
Hi, I'm David Frum - the rabid right-wing ultra-compassionate conservative, the uber-centrist, and the monster of moderate extremism. My unthinking fanatical followers have dubbed me el-Frumbo, a lovable little sleazeball, and Doctor Doom of Democracy. The legendary Al Franken wrote a book about me titled David Frum is a Big Fat Idiot. My phenomenal name recognition and huge popularity among capitalist ruling classes are making the common man shudder at the very sound of the word "Frum." It invokes horrible images of right-wing conspiracy and an imminent reactionary junta that dwarfs the bloody tyranny of George W. Bush. Such are my bona fides.
I have been outed by the unbiased media and members of the US Congress as the sole cause of all wars, poverty, famines, country music, and Republicanism. Every disaster in the last two thousand years has been traced back to my long, scaly tentacles.
Did you know that if you translate "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" into Russian, it becomes "the vodka is agreeable but the meat has gone bad"? Literal translations can be tricky that way.
It seems that no translators were harmed in the manufacturing of Hillary Clinton's "reset" button, which she presented to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in Geneva on Friday.
"We worked hard to get the right Russian word," Clinton addressed Lavrov in a deliberately slow voice, as if talking to a special-needs child. "Do you think we got it?"
"You got it wrong," Lavrov answered in fluent English. "This says 'peregruzka,' which means overcharged."
There was a time in recent American history when certain Soviet jokes didn't work in translation - not so much because of the language differences, but because of the lack of common sociopolitical context. But that is changing. As President Obama is preparing us for a great leap towards collectivism, I find myself recollecting forgotten political jokes I shared with comrades while living in the old country under Brezhnev, Andropov, and Gorbachev. (I was too young to remember the Khrushchev times, but I remember the Khrushchev jokes.) I also noticed that the further America "advances" back to the Soviet model, the more translatable the old Soviet jokes become.
Did you ever ask yourself is your economy big enough? Do you feel insecure about the pork in your portfolio? Do you want to stop your Dow Jones from shrinking at the most embarrassing moments? It is finally possible with the only economy enlargement product that works. You can become a lean, mean and fierce economy-stimulating machine in just days! Satisfy your community's dream of having a representative with a massive Stimulus Package. Enhance, enlarge and upsize the economy today! Stop settling for second best, get your huge bailout here!
To automate the growing number of grievances, reduce paperwork, and bring the grievance collecting into the 21st century, the Obama Administration has created a new agency, the U.S. Department of Grievances, linked with other agencies and taxpayers through the newly launched 2009 Hope'N'Change Operating System.
Given that the most optimistic evaluation of Obama's stimulus plan included this language, "If we do everything right, there's still a 30 percent chance we'll get it wrong," and that the government's record of "getting everything right" is shaky at best, the new department's current goal is to prepare for the impending "30%" outcome.
If you and your family find yourself among the 30-percenters, you may submit your Grievance Report, which the government will redress within the limits of its estimated efficiency rate of 70%.
Howdie-Hi there Friends and Neighbors, It’s Yer Ole Pal Crazy Ivan Betinov, down here at the Stalin Storehouse, and have I got a deal fer YEW! We got us a brand new product line down here at the Stalin Storehouse! We are proud to announce that we are the new regional distributors of
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...
Although the mainstream media won't report it as such, Obama's approval numbers are shrinking. Which means that elsewhere, certain numbers are growing - the unreported-by-the-MSM growing numbers of Americans who are kicking themselves for not having bothered to read the small print underneath the word "change."
The small print was kind of blurry, while "change" was spelled in huge, pleasing letters on the signs they held at the rallies. The fierce urgency of now was in the air. Everybody was in such a hurry to bring about change; there was no time to ask "why" or "what kind of change." As objectivity faded into the sunset, their individual brains melted into a euphoric collective mush, swirling around the only remaining absolute - change. In the absence of other standards, the truth became a mere matter of taste, subject to change without notice. If it didn't change, it wasn't the truth.
Obama's Economic Motivational Note: $7.50 + FREE SHIPPING! A flexible magnetic sticker 8x3.5" for your fridge (also looks great on a shovel)! SEE IT IN THE PEOPLE'S STORE >>
Basic economic analysis of the $780 billion stimulus package indicates that the plan to socialize the US economy will likely fail unless the Obama Administration backs it up by replacing the existing legal tender called "the dollar" with a new kind of motivational currency called the "Thank You Sucker" (TYS) notes, which would flood the markets and stimulate the economy without causing inflation.
Above is our original design proposal of the new motivational money that features the portrait of Barack Obama, who once complained that he "didn't look like those guys on the dollar bills." The bill also features one of Obama's most relevant money quotes, "Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows poverty of ambition," as well as a couple of axioms that serve as cornerstones of the progressive fiscal philosophy: "Money is the root of all evil" and "I win, you lose." In place of denomination at the top corners, the bill features the big letters "O," which some may misread as big zeroes, and at the bottom corners, the anagram "TYS" in the shape of the hammer and sickle.
Obama won the election with a rhetoric that skillfully replaced the words "socialist revolution" with the word "change." Now he is skillfully replacing the word "recession" with "catastrophe." The next logical step is to keep the economy running by replacing "dollar" with "thank you."
Iowahawk hit progressive speechwriters right on the head with his last week's collection of proverbs, enlightening Americans about the truths of various Third World tribes, whose collective experiences are infinitely more liberating and inspiring than those of the so-called Dead White European Males (DWEM) - the useless inventors of an offensive culture with dull, dysfunctional proverbs.
Yet we must offer a correction given the recent progress made in our culture, which allowed the Western civilization to catch up with the more advanced tribes of the multicultural community.
Obsessive revisionism and self-loathing, sacrificing the individual to the collective, consolidation of power in the hands of a strong central government, and the cult of a godlike leader have rightfully made us an equal member among the wonderfully diverse Third World countries. Miracles abound. One of them is the spontaneous supplanting of the misleading ex-proverbs of the shameful past, with correct neo-proverbs that properly reflect the current truth in accordance with the regularly updated political context.
If a culture is to be measured by the quality of its proverbs, then, paremiologically speaking, we should soon be able to judge a book by its cover, make the most noise, burn the bridges, part with our money, and by the year 2012 become the pride and joy of the whole wide Third World!
These are a few collectively gathered neo-proverbs from our permanently revised collection.
No matter how much you cheat the government in taxes, you'll never get close to being even. Trust me. (Tim Geithner, Treasury Secretary's proverb)
Good intentions make the most noise. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
All good things are either illegal, immoral, or lead to obesity. (Kennedy family proverb)
Surely you can fool all the people all the time. (Proverb of the mainstream media)
To err is human, and we use this faculty frequently and with much pleasure. (Proverb of the US Congress)
All work and no pay makes Jack an exemplary citizen. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
If toast falling off the table always lands butter-side down, it is safe to presume that toast buttered on both sides will stop and hover in midair. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
All that glitters must be taxed. (Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)
Every time the government tries to organize the economy, the only thing that stays organized is crime. (Proverb of the Chicago Mafia)
The people are not only our most precious recourse, but also a means of enrichment. (Proverb of the US Congress)
Too many cooks don't pay enough taxes. (Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)
Every man has a right to the left. (ACLU proverb)
Every rake deserves a chance to be stepped on repeatedly. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
For a lie to become believable it must be published in The New York Times. (Proverb of Democrat strategists)
Teach someone how to fish, and you lose a Democrat voter. (Proverb of the Teachers' Union)
You will be driving your old car for a longer period of time if you don't buy a new one. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
No matter how much whiskey you stock up in your desk, you always wind up sending an aide for more. (Ted Kennedy's proverb)
Attractive women are distractive. (Bill Clinton's proverb)
Man can stare infinitely and without motion at three things: burning flame, flowing water, and another man working. (Proverb of the Department of Labor)
No matter how hard you negotiate your labor contract, there will always be an asshole who works even less and gets paid even more. (Proverb of unionized workforce)
Child-proof electrical outlets are there to make sure that only the most gifted children get electrocuted to death. (Proverb of Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA))
Safety violations may result not only in a person's death, but also in a person's birth. (Proverb of Planned Parenthood organization)
If a man wants to have a life, medicine is powerless. (Kennedy family proverb)
If your wife isn't talking to you in the morning, last night's party must have been a success! (Clinton family proverb)
Why is it that when you converse with God, it's called prayer, but when God converses with you, it's called schizophrenia? (Rev. Jeremiah Wright's proverb)
A woman wants a lot of different things from one and the same man, while a man wants one and the same thing from a lot of different women. (Clinton family proverb)
Having a tough day? Try changing your gender. (Janet Reno's proverb)
Never spend your own money when you can spend the government's. Charity begins with a lawsuit. (Proverb of community organizers)
Let bygones be hammered into everyone's brain using news media, television, and Hollywood. (Proverb of Democrat strategists)
Government helps those who refuse to help themselves. (Proverb of community organizers)
If necessity is the mother of invention, government mandate is the fairy godmother. (Proverb of carbon emission regulators)
A bad workman blames corporate greed and lack of government oversight. (Proverb of the Financial Services Committee)
All that glitters must be equally redistributed to each according to his need. (Proverb of community organizers)
Having naughty children in the back seat can result in an accident; having a naughty accident in the back seat can result in children, followed by a story in The National Enquirer. (John Edwards' proverb)
Never pick on a Democrat candidate's family; attack something he cares about instead. (Proverb of Republican strategists)
If you can't lick them, tax them. (Proverb of the Ways and Means Committee)
He who pays the piper must also cover his health insurance and retirement benefits. (Proverb of Obama's Economic Recovery Team)
The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue. (Proverb of Democrat strategists)
Be careful what you legislate; it may do exactly what Rush Limbaugh said it would. (Proverb of Rush Limbaugh's listeners)
Never argue with a loaded Kennedy. (Proverb of Republican strategists)
If wishes were horses there's be no need in fossil fuels (Proverb of oil executives)
Give your opponents one hundred dollars worth of steak, and you shall receive one trillion dollars worth of pork. (Proverb of the US Congress)
The difference between a kleptomaniac and a Congressman is mostly one of semantics. (Proverb of the US Congress)
Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow who didn't vote for you and me. (Found buried in a federal "stimulus" bill)
All it takes to prove that I am the smartest guy in any room is for the rest of the people in that room to believe me when I say it. (Joe Biden's proverb)
Multiculturalism is when people of all races, colors, and creeds join hands in a common effort to blame the Jews. (Proverb of Columbia University professors)
======================================================
Special thanks to Opiate of the People for contributions and to DDR Kamerad for vigilance.
A new out-of character essay by yours truly, published today in Big Hollywood - Andrew Breitbart's recently launched project for Hollywood conservatives and anyone interested in the interaction between culture and politics.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Four hundred years ago, Miguel Cervantes described an archetypal delirious fruitcake who wanted to change the world by turning the clock back to the idealized Utopian times that never really existed. Imagine what Cervantes would write today about the futility of his satirical effort, if he were to learn that four centuries later, a whole movement would arise that emulated his loony character and elected one of their kind as the leader of the free world.
The Supreme Court's decision to review the refusal by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (who is white) to allow a seat in the Senate to appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris (who is black) has caused Mr. Reid to offer a compromise in the form of "separate but equal facilities for colored senators" and 3/5 of a vote for Mr. Burris. "My offer is backed by not only legal precedent and a long-standing tradition of the Democrat Party which I represent," said Reid, "but also by Article I of the Constitution which I revere. If that's not progressive generosity, nothing is."
When asked whether this demonstrated racist attitudes in the Democrat Party, Reid angrily fired back, "No one has done more for people of color than the Democrats. Burris ought to have the intelligence to recognize that and show a little gratitude by going away."
The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans
of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent,
by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant
pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other -
until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's
official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand
Write down this number and report to your Kommissar at the nearest railroad station.
Don't forget warm clothes and a shovel!
SPONSORED BY:
Secretary of the Interior vows to turn Neverland Ranch into 'King of Pop' National Monument
Riots in Iran: Obama invokes Starfleet Prime Directive - non-interference with social development of native planet even at the cost of own life
Obama hurts a fly, forgets to read Miranda rights
ACLU: fly murder by slapping unconstitutional
Obama mistakes Inspector General for a private CEO, orders him to resign
DHS simplifies procedures, cuts learning curve, renames all terrorism 'right-wing'
Earth may collide with Venus in 3.5 billion years. We must act NOW!!!
CBS study: statutory rape jokes not as hilarious as previously thought
White House tree commits suicide over economic policy
Obama: 'I inherited this tree from George W. Bush'
Obama to economy: 'make like a tree and collapse'
In Cairo, Obama promotes shovel-ready projects for Muslim communities
Obama's comment linking Islam to algebra sets off anti-Islam riots in US inner-city schools
Keith Olbermann rises to #1 on Larry Craig's 'Top ten liberals I'd like to sodomize' list
Ahmadinejad hands out potatoes to corner Irish-Iranian vote
Lady Justice undergoes extreme makeover on TV, becomes sexier, more empathetic, less blind visit our new Che Heart store
Obama: "We must work to rid the world of nuclear weapons and of Israel too while we're at it"
Obama to impose a cap on temperatures for patients in government-subsidized hospitals
Brady Campaign to Prevent Cereal Violence applauds gov't crackdown on cheerios, calls for registration of cereal bowls
Obama's rich supporters chagrined to find he's a class worrior and not the cynical hypocrite they'd counted on
Congress nationalizes DeBeers, changes marketing slogan to 'government programs are forever'
Sen. Specter: 'we could be energy-independent by now if Republicans invested in eternal engine research'
Kentucky Derby winner admits to having no specific strategy: I just kept repeating 'hope' and 'change' and I won... wow!
Never waste a good crisis: Obama uses swine flu epidemic to put a mask on Joe Biden
Study: exposure to pork- barrel projects heightens risk of catching swine flu
Islamic scholars green-light use of government pork by Muslim groups: 'not haram'
DHS Napolitano's preferred man-made disaster color warnings: chocolate, vanilla, strawberryDow Jones rally prompted by record sales of tea bags on April 15
WH: Obama's handshake with Saudi King looked like a bow as King Abdullah's arms are twice as long as human arms but atrophy prevents useDHS tip on spotting a right- wing extremist: watch out for the one carrying a paycheck
Opposed to teabagging, Pelosi accepts motion to expel Congressperson Barney Frank
Spring cleaning tip: don't forget to change your scientific consensus from winter setting "climate change" to summer setting "global warming"
Obama uses old Bush-era teleprompter for Baghdad speech
Segway and GM launch a 2-wheeled contraceptive
Obama's stern reaction to North Korea missile launch: "I'm tellin'!"Lenin laughs ass off over crisis in capitalism Scientists: Lenin statue expelled no harmful gases, only dialectical materialism Obama gives Queen a shovel click here NBC: We are all Special Olympians now, especially Olbermann
Obama's teleprompter caught moonlighting as AmEx spokesperson: 'Don’t leave home without it'
click here for the story Alabama gunman was trying to 'be more like Europeans' After shootings, EU threatens potential mass murderes with increased paperwork and red tape Oil prices rising; most viable solution is blame Limbaugh Obama to bring Cuba in from the cold; political prisoners to remain outside Healthcare crisis: Planned Parenthood forced to offer 2 abortions for the price of 1; 50% off if you refer a friend Hillary presents Russian Foreign Minister Lavrov with the People's Cube CLICK HERE FOR THE STORY Obama's Reaganesque address: "I've just declared peace on the Soviet Union. The bonging will start in five minutes" Satellite launched to confirm global warming: finds none, crashes in Antarctica in protest Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, attacks own side in war an terror Obama to slash deficit after increase; firefighters to quench house after setting fire to it
Treasury Dept buys Monopoly board game for policy advice Democrats pay back their constituents, save faltering squeegee businesses from collapsing
Muslim group offended by pork hidden in stimulus package, threatens revenge Obama appoints guilt czar to oversee fair distribution of guilt among all Americans Size matters: stimulus package so big it won't even fit on Drudge No help from Obama to storm-ravaged Kentucky; officials consider renaming state to New Orleans in effort to get attention Politico: volcano trouble in Alaska a result of Palin's policies MoveOn adopts Bush's cowboy diplomacy: 'You're either with Obama or Rush' Obama urges liberals to start listening to Rush Limbaugh: 'all too often we start by dictating on issues and don't always know all the factors involved. So let's listen.' More bad economic news: area antiwar group lays off its bumper sticker makers Dissent no longer patriotic: Obama Reminder to Hollywood celebrities: must change 'patriotic' setting from 'hate America' to 'love America' on Jan. 20 Obama promises to Photoshop a better future for America You won't be told lies if you don't ask questions: Obama's new media policy Personals: senate seats available in NY & Il. Hardly ever used. Cash OK. Change we can believe in: Clinton 1990s staffers Somali pirates hijack international space station Starting with 11/5/08, the cor- rect progressive greeting in America is "Barack Obama!" The reply is "Obama Barack!" Laika the Space Dog consi- dered for new White House pet: "Thoroughly vetted by Bill Ayers" CHANGE: President-elect Obama crushes Yankee imperialism in a landslide
US choppers attack ACORN voter registration center in Syria US military: We decided to strike now because this time next year we’ll be a Peace Keeping force Biden predicts severe test for Obama in first six months: another question from Joe the Plumber Obama: Let he who is without wealth cash the first check! Joe Biden: work is a four-letter word
FBI investigates Mickey Mouse Club for voter fraud Embarrassed ACORN accidentally registers 'Ronald Reagan' Kids' hymns to Obama a success of Democrat strategy: If you can't abort them, indoctrinate them World to USA: 'Fix world ecomonic crisis so we can get back to hating you' Obama's campaign invites opponents to play 'Truth or Jail' Biden: Hoover text-messaged Americans to calm fears during 1929 crashDead support Obama, all are registered to vote by ACORN Biden calls taxes patriotic Study: Jesus spoke without a telepromter Obama promises free lipstic for everybody if elected KARAOKE: These Are The Jerks We Call Journalists Obama's negotiations with Gustav prove fruitful; storm spares "French Quarter" Feminist group: Sarah Palin worst mother since June Cleaver; decried as "too feminine" Obama: leave Bristol alone, she has been punished enough with a baby Putin shoots tiger with Polonium-laced dart Obama: ready from day one to place a call to UN if a US city is nuked Cult of personality at the People's Cube is up 90% compared to previous Five-Year Plan Congress established windfall tax on US gold medals International Olympic Committee to redistribute Phelp's ill-gotten golds to less fortunate athletes Obama beats Hillary to coveted CPUSA endorsement February 2050 declared White History Month. Future headlines expected to read "Minorities hardest hit... and deservedly so." Obama denounces Russia's actions; humbled Russia sends self to Gulag US trade deficit dropped; NYT instructs readers to turn paper upside down for more favorable view of graph Sharpton protests disproportionate deaths of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes, calls for immediate deaths of David Letterman and Billy Joel to even score Science to unveil invisible cloak; Conservative White Christian male in NJ says he's been invisible for years NYT: Russia's invasion of Georgia leaves much smaller carbon footprint than US invasion of Iraq Larry the Cable Guy issues call to "man the pick up trucks" as Russia invades Georgia Edwards claims he was having affair with camera, didn't notice woman attached Chavez's parents cut off Hugo's credit card after Moscow shopping binge Oil industry to Pelosi: You've been given a brain. Use it or lose it. Congress to declare July 19th International Swimmers' Day
How many superdelegates does it take to change a lightbulb? Photoshopped Iranian missile saves 25% on Islamic Republic's carbon footprint
Word of the day: HUSSIES n. Female Obama supporters changing their middle names to HusseinObama: we have always been at peace with Hillary ClintonGrand Rapids Mayor George Heartwell vows city will be "vanilla" when rebuilt Media grows impatient with Iowa's lack of flood-related rapes and pillaging: Why can't they be more like New Orleans? CNN investigates Iowans caught blowing FEMA debit cards at Tractor Supply Company Obama: WTC problem ended on 9/11, Pentagon still a problemHillary supporters organize against Obama Janet Reno congratulates Elian Gonzalez on joining Cuba's Young Communists
Dick Durbin denies that being Hell's spokesperson and moonlighting as a Democrat Senator presents a conflict of interest Flooding in Iowa causes typical white people to turn bitter and cling to evacuation procedures Democrat energy policy: let them eat cake Monica Lewinsky endorses Obama: 'This is not the Bill Clinton I knew' NASA unveils 'ass-crack' space suit for plumbing repairs at int'l space station Dead people at Obama's rally identified as a renegade splinter group of Hillary's 'invisible Americans' Howard Dean: dead people will vote Democrat no matter who gets the nomination Mainstream media silent on increased attacks on US troops by mainstream media Sen. Kennedy under treatment. Mary Jo still dead Muanmar drafts Mayor Nagin and Gov. Blanco to help with cyclone clean up New Orleans Mayor sends school buses to Myanmar As Darfur violence surges, world vows not to give a crap unless the US gets involved Chinese citizens crushed by bricks and rubble; tanks have day off
Friendly fire: BBC office hit by al-Qaeda rocket Al Gore knows what caused Burma cyclone but won't say it International community promises to suspend anti- Americanism until after American aid reaches Burma Mainstream media saddened that Austrian pedophile isn't a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, or a GOP senator
North Korea's nuclear technicians protest outsourcing jobs to Syria Earth Day: save the planet, starve the children! Focus group: if water boarding was a sexual preference, they'd be teaching it in public schools Study: Wall Street losses unfairly target the rich Mixed month for MTV: teen pregnancy drops, however STDs are on the rise Obama pledges to give every typical small town family a possum sandwich Delays at American Airlines: a sneak peak into proposed government healthcare Stop and smell the Sharpies Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy Media: this year's Global Bad News Awareness week to overlap with International Good News Obliviousness month NPR journalists go on truckers-style protest over high price of lattes Most popular April Fools joke: "A Democrat president won't raise taxes" Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama's new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment Obama's speech calls for change in stereotyping "the typical White person" Spitzer denies applying hardball tactics in front of bathroom mirror and threatening to come after himself New York State House retires Spitzer's #9 jersey KKK endorses Harvard's gym segregation policy: 'Blacks and Jews are next' London quake caused by SUV, now impounded by Scotland Yard Hillary's healthcare plan to include smelling salts for Obama's supporters and mandatory amputation of Chris Matthews' leg USMail Service to publish Obama's resume on new stamp Obama: one man's plagiarism is another man's audacity Candidate Barry O'Bama to court Irish vote Berkeley ousting US Marines gives hope to al Qaeda: 'If hippies can do it, so can we!' Berkley builds wall around self; man trying to flee 'Peace Sanctuary City' shot at checkpoint John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda's endorsement To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama NY Times: All the news that's fit to pimp Dems offer first female for President, first Black for President, first pretty pony for Attorney General Brokeback Mountain loses climber NASA's Spirit Rover finds Dennis Kucinich campaign on MarsLas Vegas: candidates offer plans to bail out flustered gamblers Feds: subprime borrowers' relief package to include subprime rib Silence in Cuba: Castro too ill to speak in public, Cubans too afraid to speak Dems adopt old British "don't mention the war" strategy for '08 campaign Obama's 'Take a penny, leave a penny' economic plan sparks new hope Obama's campaign hires homeless people to talk about change on street corners Panhandlers Union endorses Obama's plan for change Al Gore's children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win Pelosi declares she likes class war, pledges to stay the course Expert blames Republicans for not attacking all Democrat candidates equally High school Meth teacher starts new class Holy Mitt! Violence in Iraq down 60%; media stories reporting this down 6000% Imus covers all bases by hiring undocumented-Black- Jewish-homeless- transgendered-vegan- disabled-obese-Kartina- victim as a sidekick Poll: most Muslims find curvature of Riemannian manifolds offensive "How The Grinch Redistributed Winter Solstice" opens on Broadway Left-wing bloggers hold vigil hoping suspect is connected to GOP candidate Hostage situation expected to be politicized in the next 20 minutes "Mall security" takes over operations in Baghdad New study suggests that 1 US gallon of Latte is 170 times more expensive than 1 US gallon of Regular gasoline. Al Gore sterilizes self to protect planet: 'Having children is selfish' NY Times: some news is fitter to print than others Study: most Americans will be worried about economy if told so often enough Musharraf changes name to Chavez to avoid being called "dictator" by MSM and Democrats in US Congress Media changes old adage "no news is good news" to "no good news is news" US Congress extends hurricane season until the first Sunday in November Lack of bad news from Iraq causes media recession. Women and minority journalists hardest hit. LA Times drops term "wild" describing fire, uses "undocumented" fire instead USA Today: big fires are getting bigger, small fires are getting smaller Reid: Global Warming caused fire by overheating arsonist's head, provoking delusional paranoia MoveOn.org pressures Congress to stop fighting fire and bring firemen home Reid: The war on fire is lost Pelosi: The number of fires has gone up since we started fighting fire Kerry: If you don't do well in school you'll get stuck fighting fire in California NY Times: Fighting fire creates even more fires Harry Reid auctions clothes, furniture, car on eBay in effort to make millions off his name. "If Limbaugh can do it so can I." No takers so far. Princess Leia Organa presents the Alderaanian Medal of Honor to Al Gore Did Che Guevara descend from Prophet Mohammed? San Andreas Fault in California preemptively renamed George Bush's Fault Media Matters editor blows self up over Limbaugh's 'bomber' remark End of Ramadan brings new rioting season to France Harry Reid bangs shoe on table: "We will bury you!" Dutch follow Ahmadinejad's lead, declare "there are no dykes in Holland" Ahmadinejad to Amerika: "Don't tase me, bro!" Bomb Girl and Taser Boy sell rights to their characters to Marvel Comics Cindy Sheehan hires Bomb Girl and Taser Boy as image consultants CBS stands by firing of Dan Rather: "He couldn't tell our logo from a hole in the ground" Jessie Jackson on Obama: "too White." Obama on Jackson: "I'm a smoke dat biatch if I see him"
Tasered victim at John Kerry's speech to receive Purple Heart Mugabe blames Zimbabwe's meltdown on Global Warming To stomp out possible confusion, MSM changes spelling of Obama to Ubama Craving acceptance from liberals, General Petraeus gains 300lbs and debuts report at Cannes. George Soros stops funding Democrats, converts to Islam Edwards: 41% of American children don't have lawyers John Edwards proposes "single payer" trial lawyer insurance for all, mandatory pre-jurisprudence care Illegal aliens kill people Americans won't killDemocrats select 2008 presidential slogan: "Death to America" Larry "Happy Feet" Craig uses Michael Flatley's Riverdance defense "Americans Coming Together" admit they had timing issues Presbyterian clergy issue fatwah calling for Pope's deathNew Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face Vick awaits doggie-style welcome in prison Rock star behaves like rap star: huge media outcry China's recall of defective Daily Kos bloggers causes suicides among Democrat strategists Al Gore to recall the Internet Media declares September National Bridge Awareness Month First New Orleans, now Minnesota: Anderson Cooper travels up the Mississippi without a paddle Ray Nagin pledges to build a chocolate bridge instead William Jefferson spotted under collapsed bridge retrieving mystery package Cannibalism, rape, looting, republicanism rampant in Minneapolis Lindsay Lohan to enter astronaut training program Nigeria's plan to nationalize local spam industry sparks massive riots in Lagos
Democrat Congress's two major victories: minimum wage increase and al-Qaeda's restored operating capability London Mayor Livingston mandates Sharia law at nightclubs to prevent further bombings Taliban spokesman blames media bias as civilian deaths from US air strikes grab headlines: "Taliban has murdered thousands of civilians and we can't even get mentioned on Countdown with Olbermann. What gives?"Back alley massage parlors now offering "better ending than Sopranos" Bush to close Gitmo, detainees released into Mexican custody to be put on fast track to US citizenship
Study: Dan rather still unable to tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Katie Couric Civil war in Gaza: if it's not in Iraq why report it? US media increasingly impatient at lack of civil war in IraqUS Embassy in Syria warns of sex attacks. So how long will Bill be visiting for? Delighted Dems: "The surge has failed!"MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza! Palestinians still wonder why their real civil war can't knock Iraq "civil war" off the front page As Albanians welcome Bush and show love for USA, NY Times offers them free subscriptions to "solve problem" Paris gets out of jail faster than an illegal immigrant Socialist utopia takes foothold in Venezuela as water cannons salute victory Pelosi: "I've seen climate change." John Fogerty of CCR also wants to know "if she's ever seen rain" Democrats call for troop withdrawal from Jersey Harry Reid: "Troop presence in New Jersey creating more terrorists" French riot police deployed as open minded, tolerant socialists expected to react to election results Progressives concerned with Sarkozy's "extremist agenda " of rule of law and assimilation to French culture Dems: War needs deadline; only social policies can run indefinitely Sheryl Crow to wipe out global warming one butt at a time Va Tech lessons for MSM: must ban guns, rich kids ACLU calls for calm, fears backlash against innocent gun owners: 'all gun owners aren't terrorists' Liberal groups join gun tolerance and awareness workshops Gun owners converting to Islam in droves to ward off profiling Sharp jump in number of 'non-decapitated' babies following Supreme Court decision Sharpton makes a list of 57 Don Imus sympathizers on public airwaves Al Gore and John Kerry agree: people who live in greenhouses should not expel noxious gases Al Gore hired by K-Y to pro- mote Global Warming Jelly New study shows Earth's 'fever' contagious; Mars asks planets to kick 'Greenhouse Mary' out of solar system Schumer demands Karl Rove be indicted on 1976 parking ticket Al Qaeda reacts to Schumer attack: "Thank Allah we're not Republicans!" Dems: Khalid Sheik Mohamed just watched too many episodes of 24 and made all that stuff in his confession up Fitzgerald to prosecute Ann Coulter for disclosing identity of presidential candidate John Edwards Following Scooter Libby success, media demands journalists be included on all future juries Kent State professor calls for bin Laden victory: time to bring in the National Guard again? Hollywood to America: our moral issues are better than your moral issues Obama promises to "purge himself" if he loses to Hillary to spare the public a lengthy trial House vote: Insurgents react with non-binding IED Democrat leaders don't support terrorists but they support their mission North Korea agrees to nuclear disarmament, media hails Madeleine Albright Bush: I support Democrat majority - but not their mission Is it time for Pinochet yet? Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History
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Al-Qaeda founder discovers DNC playbook, 
Murtha: if we quit now, capitalism will win
New Jersey teen cracked iPhone with his face
MSM spokesman: There are no civil war clashes in Gaza!
Helen Thomas to be inducted into Museum of Natural History